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Anyone else broke or just me--
General | Posted 11 hours agoFor a long time now, it's been hard to ignore the way that commissions have slowed down. Commission advertising has, ultimately, changed quite a lot since some of the major social media sites became enshittified - I've been my own 1-person customer service, production, and social media manager for over 10 years at this point - and I've been steadily drowning in the noise ever since. At times, I completely understand why some operations have personnel for this kind of stuff. Its moderately soul-crushing work. Frankly, I don't understand today's online hellscape now that conventional methods are no longer producing results (engagement no longer yielding clients) and I envy those already-big-name artists who seem to have no problems getting slots to fill. Of course there is a major factor in all this: The economy in the United States is complete shit, and corpos are still making us pay for it. I can't help but think about those successes I see on Bluesky and FA and Tumblr, propagating despite economic downturn, and wonder if it's just a "me" problem. Who knows.
It's been a little over a year since I started on antidepressants and it hasn't totally erased that feeling of being unlikable, though it has done an amazing job overall. I feel what I can only assume neurotypical folks get to enjoy every day (without a magic brain pill): Normal! Though I do still struggle with imposter syndrome and self blame. Ultimately, I'm never turning back. As an unfortunate side effect, however, my ADHD has been insufferable. I still can't quite focus for long enough to read anything longer than a few paragraphs... With pictures. Please pour one out for the Sci-Fi novel that I've had to re-start twice due to forgetting I was even reading it. Someday I will actually finish A Maze Of Stars and move on to literally any of the dozens of other used books that I scored from the local bookstore for $0.15/each... At least the investment wasn't too steep, hah. Still, I am getting by and managing to keep the house clean, myself fed, and my emotional state stable. My fatigue has been much worse lately, probably not helped by the fact that winter is practically here and the sun has all but entirely disappeared here in Appalachia. Catching double barrel strep & mononucleosis this Summer has seriously thrown a wrench in my daily life. I've been forcing myself to stay awake through most of the chronic fatigue episodes, but good fuckin' hell is it ever a losing battle. Lately, to combat this, I've taken a significant reduction in my online time. Which, has re-affirmed to me that, yes, social media sucks total ass, makes me feel actively worse, and only makes me miserable by keeping me addicted & scrolling.
If you've caught my older updates across the net, you'll remember that my fiance and I split up earlier in 2025. Years of living together with others did not prepare me for just how exhausting living alone is, but I am managing. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't miss him horribly and at times I do still wonder if I made the right choice. There's still uncertainty in it that irritates the back of my mind from time to time. Regret. Guilt. I don't know how to be anymore (in a social sense) so I've poured my cups into continuing my activism. That's another feature of mine that I've come to understand folks do not find particularly charming... I am too strongly principled, it seems.
Hopefully, someone out there in my following is still active and somehow sees this. Say hello in the comments, if you get a moment, and tell me about something you've been working on lately.
Personally, I have started painting props and minis again after years of not having the drive (depression is a bitch like that) and it's reminded me of how much fun it is to just do things and be creative. It came back to me so naturally that I have hope that I could get back into painting canvas or watercolor again. I'm gardening more. For the first time in four years I'm decorating my house, my room, my porch, everything, and I live in a colorful space once more. The amount of positive progress that changing my surroundings has provided is just astonishing. Right now, the sun is out for the first time in days and the birds are outside my window, plucking berries off a massive virginia creeper vine that makes its home on my fence. I hope to see them return to nest on the porch again this spring.
Life updates aside, I am open for limited commissions: Portraits (waist-up) for Destiny guardians. Sort of a pick me up, I enjoy drawing the unique armors and characters from the game, especially exos, and though I don't expect to make much from commissions at all it would still be a nice, chill thing for me to work on. If you have a couple of spare dollars, and you also happen to have a Destiny OC, don't hesitate to reach out. I am taking 6 slots at a time during this opening, and am happy to draw your entire raid team if you like :)
INFO HERE: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/63336528/
Anyway. I don't know what to put on these journals honestly. Introspection is a new thing for me and I often don't have much to say. If you read this far: thank you, have a fantastic day, and enjoy the holidays!
It's been a little over a year since I started on antidepressants and it hasn't totally erased that feeling of being unlikable, though it has done an amazing job overall. I feel what I can only assume neurotypical folks get to enjoy every day (without a magic brain pill): Normal! Though I do still struggle with imposter syndrome and self blame. Ultimately, I'm never turning back. As an unfortunate side effect, however, my ADHD has been insufferable. I still can't quite focus for long enough to read anything longer than a few paragraphs... With pictures. Please pour one out for the Sci-Fi novel that I've had to re-start twice due to forgetting I was even reading it. Someday I will actually finish A Maze Of Stars and move on to literally any of the dozens of other used books that I scored from the local bookstore for $0.15/each... At least the investment wasn't too steep, hah. Still, I am getting by and managing to keep the house clean, myself fed, and my emotional state stable. My fatigue has been much worse lately, probably not helped by the fact that winter is practically here and the sun has all but entirely disappeared here in Appalachia. Catching double barrel strep & mononucleosis this Summer has seriously thrown a wrench in my daily life. I've been forcing myself to stay awake through most of the chronic fatigue episodes, but good fuckin' hell is it ever a losing battle. Lately, to combat this, I've taken a significant reduction in my online time. Which, has re-affirmed to me that, yes, social media sucks total ass, makes me feel actively worse, and only makes me miserable by keeping me addicted & scrolling.
If you've caught my older updates across the net, you'll remember that my fiance and I split up earlier in 2025. Years of living together with others did not prepare me for just how exhausting living alone is, but I am managing. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't miss him horribly and at times I do still wonder if I made the right choice. There's still uncertainty in it that irritates the back of my mind from time to time. Regret. Guilt. I don't know how to be anymore (in a social sense) so I've poured my cups into continuing my activism. That's another feature of mine that I've come to understand folks do not find particularly charming... I am too strongly principled, it seems.
Hopefully, someone out there in my following is still active and somehow sees this. Say hello in the comments, if you get a moment, and tell me about something you've been working on lately.
Personally, I have started painting props and minis again after years of not having the drive (depression is a bitch like that) and it's reminded me of how much fun it is to just do things and be creative. It came back to me so naturally that I have hope that I could get back into painting canvas or watercolor again. I'm gardening more. For the first time in four years I'm decorating my house, my room, my porch, everything, and I live in a colorful space once more. The amount of positive progress that changing my surroundings has provided is just astonishing. Right now, the sun is out for the first time in days and the birds are outside my window, plucking berries off a massive virginia creeper vine that makes its home on my fence. I hope to see them return to nest on the porch again this spring.
Life updates aside, I am open for limited commissions: Portraits (waist-up) for Destiny guardians. Sort of a pick me up, I enjoy drawing the unique armors and characters from the game, especially exos, and though I don't expect to make much from commissions at all it would still be a nice, chill thing for me to work on. If you have a couple of spare dollars, and you also happen to have a Destiny OC, don't hesitate to reach out. I am taking 6 slots at a time during this opening, and am happy to draw your entire raid team if you like :)
INFO HERE: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/63336528/
Anyway. I don't know what to put on these journals honestly. Introspection is a new thing for me and I often don't have much to say. If you read this far: thank you, have a fantastic day, and enjoy the holidays!
