I woke up to a tragedy today.

I will now be uneasy and fear for my friends even behind a genuine smile or laugh for the next few years.

I'm embarrassed for every single illiterate, clueless, hate-filled idiot who made this possible, as well.

What follows will be in large red letters in the history books.

Happy Halloween, YOU NERDS <3.

Whew.

Yesterday, one of my closer friends dropped off their soon-to-be ex off at a bus station.
The dude left.

And it's great.
Because this dude was the most selfish, lying, whining, entitled, dishonest, attention-whoring piece of shit I've seen in a long, long while.
A year and half ago, I started speaking to this friend more actively, and little conversation bits would come up. Sorry I was X because Y was Z kind of stuff.

Over time, I got a clearer and clearer image of what was going on. My friend has been gaslight and emotionally conditioned by a horrific narcissist piece of shit to just work to support him while he paid almost zero for anything, but did use up 90% + of his own monthly income on uber eats and furry porn.
Over time, I understood that my friend was responsible for having to drive them 1 hour to work and 1 hour back , taking time out of their own work day to do so - when a good (enough) bus service existed and the kid could have done that. But repeatedly chose not to.

My friend told me tales. Of how he was woken up to some creepy hair rubbing by this stoned out loser. Of how he was yelled at for no reason often (Some of which was recorded and shown to me). Of how dismissive, rude and self-important the little bastard sounded like in a regular, normal conversation. This unnamed friend, at one point, was dangerously close to committing the big S - to the point where I do truly believe, had me and another one of my friends not told him that what he feels (In his words, that he "Must deserve it" , to "feel bad all the time") is wrong - and that his relationship is unhealthy.

I'm glad I grew up around awful people and realized what was going on sooner through signs and hunches, and that my friend is now not living with that absolute asshole any more.
Said friend is quite hurt though, because they currently think all that time, effort and energy was now wasted helping that particular douchebag out. And my friend helped this kid out in a lot of ways. If not outright saving his life once as well, then making it a LOT better and easier - something the little idiot actively fought against.

For me, this is a large exhale. I've been listening to what the turdbag has been doing for over five hundred days now, and I'm just so glad my friend doesn't have to deal with it any more.
He doesn't have to deal with being told "We can sleep around, it's fine" but then get query'd and quizzed and harassed about why he went on a work trip and what he may have done - when the kid can go to cons and get fucked with my friend in the same room or next room and he had no idea it was happening.
My friend no longer has to be told he has to uproot his life and leave his good job so they can move to where this little idiot kid was getting side-cock, all the way across the country, JUST FOR THAT.
All the while passive-aggressively tweeting shit about my friend, or pretending to be many medical things (They were provably not) - and pretending to be an anarchist but buckling at the smallest hurdles. All attention-seeking performatism.

I'm so relieved.
Because when I posted more details of this story (PAGES more) , on a reddit meant for relationship advice, within 12 minutes, an admin came and flagged and closed it and messaged me, saying "Dude. This looks like an abusive relationship, post it in [forget the name of the subreddit] !" . TWELVE MINUTES. ABUSE.
And they were right.

I raise a phantom glass to my friend, who may be hurting right now, but is free of this. This and more. So much more. The future is yours after the ache of processing this goes away, sweetheart. And you deserve it, because you're a good guy and a great friend <3.
I'll be here for you as I've been the last couple of months. Enjoy the new, happier days as they come <3.

Whew.

I did not expect to get up today and have my shout wall be host to REVENGE PORN and doxxing. But uh. There you go I guess.

More importantly, can people drop names to ...are they also called artists? Um, people who could create a 3D model of Talon at some point?
Cluelessness up there not gatekeeping or elitism. Just, realizing "Hae wut r termite-ology for dat?"

THURSDAY BABY.

Okay so.
This is a journal to let you know you better be looking forward to a particular pic I'm waiting for finishing because I just saw the WIP And HNNGGHHH HOLY ABSOLUTE *FUCK*.
Consider this a warning for your libido O_O.

120 days left :->.

Thank you my dear friends and lecherous perverts for 7777 views on my profile, or the lovely tasty art inside!
https://gyazo.com/178865a4e372b72f535cef90986b7f75

Hope for a few more digits at the end of that and many orgasms caused by my big boy's handsome self <3.

Just in the process of getting my ticket to see my sweetie BF in February <3.

Tiny grump because...
https://gyazo.com/a2a8de59ffe57154356fd1cf9b3ca009

I mean.
Rando taxes and rando charges are higher than the actual ticket costs? That's insane.
Hell, I was scalped 140 pounds just for the ability to wear my clothes because I'm taking them because I'm staying 2 weeks.

DGMW It's all absolutely worth it but *flips off airlines* eat a bag of dicks ya greedy cunts.

So I had 7~ vials of blood taken a few days ago during my trip to the hospital.
I now have a letter that says they want me to call my local doctor (which they name as the wrong doctor. Including where it is. By a good amount of distance!) and they want more blood for another test.

The funny part is this.
"Specimen type : Gold top"

Oh my, I'm getting famous.
I did a little snort-laugh at seeing that tbh :-P

Wow.
I just made the journal for yesterday a couple of hours ago.
WELL.

5 mins ago, I got a call from the radiology department.
They want to do some kind of doppler-carotid-artery scan (??) of me and wanted me to go back in TOMORROW. Too soon , plus the flooding isn't helpful. Mentions of this "being sort of urgent" (exact words) did not help.
Sooooo now I have to throw away another day both in November *and* October 4th.
And I'm properly nervous now because why in absolute *fuck* do I need a random X-ray? What did they find they aren't telling me that warrants this?
"Woo!"

All good.
Walked 2,5 miles since I had time.
Less good was getting soaked by the bastard rain :-P.

In the end, similar tests, I got no consultation this time. They took SEVEN fucking vials for blood (at least I mean).
Just got a text saying hi you have an appointment on November 5, come back again.
*fucking full day thrown away groan*
Gotta call them too as there is no possible way I can get there by 10:30 lol.
To start with my bus from the place I live in leaves at 9:10 AM or so, takes 30 mins, 20 min wait to transfer to an approx hour long bus ride. GAAHHHH.

Fuck.

HELLO.

There is a high but non-guaranteed chance I'll aim to visit my lovely boyfriend who lives somewhere in Texas - early next year. Like, February kind of early.
If you're in the area, poke interest through DMs or Telegram and we can see about potentially meeting up if I do fly on over.
Things might interrupt the plans (such as the unlikely but amazing combination of finding a job, which then isn't crap, and then also quickly finding a place to move to in the Netherlands) , but that's the current rolling assumption at about 75% certainty.

I'll be re-evaluating this at the end of November to see if another scenario might be best for seeing sexy werewolfriend <3.

Whee O_O.

In a bit I'll head into town to get a nice local bakery baguette (ham, courgettes, onions, some lettuce style stuff), then dump a found bank card in the local bank branch.
After that I gotta get my nuts in line and start applying for jobs. I expect that part to take weeks and months and be quite depressing at times, but :-P.
Wanna be able to move, have a place just for myself and maybe an eventual sweetheart to visit and \ or live. *Glances at  Mjodvitnir *

I gotta get the last job out of my mind, the way they basically did nothing for 1,5 years and underpaid me and all that. I know that's kind of the capitalist norm, but uhhh.
You know. Maybe I'll get a company that actually gives a shit about my quality of life through paying me not minimum wage. Or, for the first year, *below it*.
It's just kind of tough to get out of your head when you basically live in it :-P.

Helloh!

Long story short, I went and spent ten hours to get a scan of my eyes.
The result of which was the doc telling me there isn't anything immediately OMFG or HOLY FUCK with my eyes so it's not "URGENT" like the letter said. Which is good!
The problem is two-fold though.

1) My left eye deteriorated quite sharply since the laser eye surgery merely 3 years ago which is highly abnormal and something may still be up.
2) Again in the "something may still be up" column is - the letter that had "URGENT" on it had the scans from the local eye centre where I got tested. The doc held it up to the hospital scans they took yesterday and they weren't just visibly different, they were *almost entirely* different.

Now, that could be someone fucking up, or something anomalous or ...you know, bad.
So uh. I have to go back on the 25th to do the entire scan nonsense again and see what it results in.
I enjoyed it as a day trip for the most part but I'm not hot on many many MANY half and full hours of waiting :-P

Still. Stuff is fine for now!
Thank you for those asking\wondering <3.

Arghle, hello!

Tomorrow, I've got to go to the nearest hospital.
I've got a letter with red "URGENT" lettering on it.
FUN, right?

A totally routine eye test made the specialist doing it go "hmm...why is this thing looking slightly inflamed?" and thinking and looking at it for 20 additional minutes, she thinks it's an optic nerve swelling. Which could be totally nothing. Or it could be caused by fun stuff like, oh I don't know - an autoimmune disease.
While I don't think I've got *that*, some of the other options aren't fantastic, either.
And even ignoring those, my left eye is significantly worse than my right, despite having gotten laser eye surgery just about 3 years ago. Yes, my eyes will naturally worsen because a duh - but this quickly? And only one of them?

So yeeeeeeah.
I've got to head out early to maybe be at the hospital between 11 and 12. I'll have my phone with me but due to a mixture of nerves, phoneslol and very sick people probably cross-infecting each other (and now me -_-) I'll be very antsy.

WIll post news when I have some. May be days, may be weeks.
Bwee >.>;

So remember a few years ago, on Youtube when Nintendo just ignored COPYRIGHT LAWS and acted like the mafia, extorting people for ad revenue and demanding such and such videos be removed, and for some reason people let them get away with it?

https://www.eurogamer.net/nintendo-.....-inappropriate

They're doing it again, *but even harder*.
Fuck this anti-consumer garbage company.
As a friend pointed out, they also use a UI whose name I don't remember (TOTK used it AFAIK) and they didn't pay\tip them anything, despite that being the good practice.

Nintendo is scum. No purchases.

I'm not a big drinker. If there is an occasion like a birthday and I happen to be somewhere with drinks (pft) or new years maybe, I'll do a tiny bit of drinking.
But I'm preparing for a few days from now by getting lovely spiced local rum to drink. (Edit : https://theartisanfoodvillage.com/p.....W8TFd2xDE72S11 )
I'm preparing to celebrate not being employed by those folks any more.
I've had three days where I mostly didn't check in, worry, or care about the job (and to be fair there was literally nothing in those 3 days that happened).

I got to have little walks. In the morning. I got to say hi to people I actually *like*, to have events, encounters, experienced. My E3.
It feels like I'm alive, and now like I'm crunched up, stressed, in a corner, worried about shit that may or may not happen.

It's a shame, I had high hopes for this place for a year, but they stopped half a year ago when the first red flag hit, along with being told I can't "justify" higher pay than the bare minimum increase by law.
After this, I won't have an income. I don't plan to go back to them *at all*.
But I'm less worried about that, than the shit they'd have me do if I did stay. And that ain't normal.

Sometimes you gotta punch yourself in the dick a bit to move ahead in the ways that matter.

Here's to mind-free September, woo!

WHELP.
Spoke to a friend who works in the Netherlands.

Now.
I get paid, pre-taxes, about 1850 GBP . For a full time IT job. Pathetic, right?
Well, that translates out to approx 2100 eur *before* taxes.

So my friend casually tells me he works full-time and gets paid 2900 euros a month.
AFTER taxes.

The discrepancy is insane. That gap is MASSIVE. The job doesn't sound as complicated as the IT shit I have to keep track of (No offense obvs to my buddy <3) and yet he's paid so much better.
I really, desperately need to start job searching ASAP and target Dutch companies especially. I neeeeeed to get over there, so bad!
Amazetits.

I didn't know him too well.
And with my brain, even *processing* what happened was a recoil event.
Just. Suddenly, you wake up and that's the first thing you hear.

I didn't think much at first (I am slow to process death events).
Then I started hearing from people, perspectives, what FA is, what it means. It started to kind of dawn in on me.
He was only 44.
He wasn't even half-way through what should have been a full life, and that is fucking awful.
Eventually, all I could get was angry when I heard that the US health"care" system was largely responsible for failing him at every turn.

Tragedy is tragedy. We can change nothing about this.
But I hope people take away lessons - talk to your loved ones, maybe more often. You never know when suddenly, something like this will take that ability away.

Take care of yourselves. And each other.

*Sigh*

Another week, another person contacting me on Discord to peddle art.
Look.

Within 25 minutes, you went to "want some art?" . Your motives were unclean from the start. I don't care. I'm going to immediately distrust you, because you are being dishonest.
There was a guy who made claims that he can't post art or visit NSFW art sites (...but found me here. On an NSFW art site. While commenting on how much NSFW art I have. Right) and of course, didn't have an FA. Because the account was banned. Even if everything this person said is true, I tried to give advice and help, but all I got was just what do I do what do I do I'm real etc.

Maybe you are.
But you approaching with this instant buy art bullshit is very rude. Not to mention you acted almost exactly like all the other scammers. "Oh hey I love your character! They are so cute\unique\sexy\amazing!"
I'm tired of it, okay?
Life is hard for you, life is hard for me, life is hard for *everyone*.
I want to help people, but it's not my job to subsidize your existence - especially when you can offer nothing, and I mean nothing, as proof that what you say is real.

Having art means nothing because all the other scammers just use the same identical ai generated shit to get people.
It sucks for artists that AI art is proliferating the way it is going.

Tired of this shit.
From now on the policy is immediate block if I as much as *smell* this kind of shit in the wind. My patience is gone.
Get a real job instead of scamming people. If you are *truly* very badly stuck like this guy claimed to be, look at your options. Consider not doing the thing that isn't working, at least temporarily.
At best, try not to almost totally ignore the dude trying to help you with advice :-\.
Done.

So with my situation with the work contract shutting me out of rentals in the Netherlands, I became a little bit panicked and unsure of what to do, right?
Well I got a random email a night or two ago from some guy pretending to be another guy.

Well written English saying he's a Civil architect working in Spain but he *happens* to have a flat he can rent to me for 850 euros a month *next to the train station*. Pre-furnished, includes gas and water and elec and internet.
I was immediately sus on this but answered his questions up to a point.

I agree to the 850 and deposit thing to keep the ball rolling, so he sends me another email very suddenly saying 1400 GBP.
INTERESTING.
I ask him what that was about and the reply email was quick and short, with broken English saying it was "Compose at work, sorry about tat" .
Oof. Big red flag number four by this point.
Even better, that same particular email was signed with *my* name.

Suddenly he's gone quite quiet when I said thanks for clarifying, let's get on Zoom or some other face chat service for 15-30 minutes :->.
Just because you're in a somewhat desperate mood or situation doesn't mean you should forgo thinking.
The guy could have taken a solid 2.2 thousand gbp off me.

The interesting thing is he kept mentioning booking.com as they charge less and could act as a kind of guarantor. Yet I never saw any booking.com listing, either.
My guess is this was a money \ real life info scam and as soon as the dude's script was deviated from, the broken English revealed it for the kindergarten shit that it was.
Another friend linked me popular scams in the Netherlands and *yup*. Dude said he's working in Spain, conveniently, which is one of the most popular excuses scammers use.
Interestingly enough, the dude was asking me stuff a real landlord would want to know - name, IRL address, email, *ID or passport photo*.
So of course a scammer takes those and simply pretends they are me and if a worried person like me goes "Ok but can you prove it?" they can show them the stolen identity passport to put minds at ease.

Quite gross.
Stay safe out there.

*Sadpout*

Spoke to someone else at the company.

1) Very definitely no contract as I knew it. At best, I can get a "service contract" up (X services for Y an hour)
2) Boss may or may not accept depending on what range of things I can offer at what price
3) Definite and severe cut to my income, BUT
4) No longer floating around PC "just in case" they want some 5-25 minute crap out of me that the assistant we should have (but do not because saving money when you don't have to) should be doing. So that's good, at least.
5) No contract and shit income means my plans to move to the Netherlands have been murdered , for the time being unless I find a place to move to in thirty-odd days (Unlikely) before my current contract ends *or* a Dutch company wants to hire *my* sorry ass - because they could help me move over there and find a place way easier.
6) This did make me think that I can put myself out there as a contractor at least, which is more money than zero. I'll have to think what services I can provide and dial in a cost per hour for this over the weekend. Still, in a world drowning in people that do the same thing I do - even before, you know...AI - it's going to be a difficult situation for a while.

95% less bummed out about this than I thought I would be, but obviously not happy about this. Purely a money saving measure, or laziness, or both.
Thanks to the bad way the place is managed , I saw documents regarding company income. I can tell you this is *definitely* unwarranted, this money saving shit. There is no way the amount the company was paid, this is justified.
So, you know.
Compartmentalized seething, but honestly, I'm mostly fine.

In other news, anyone with a Dutch company wanna help a guy out? LOL

Mmmkay.
I'm under a general NDA so I can't give exacto details but basically.

My company is rebranding and moving HQ to a place where PAYE contracts (Employee tax taken care of by company) is "complicated" (their words) so they don't want to do it.
So they want me to go contractor.

I don't know how this works but from what I've heard, I'll be fucked sideways for a lot of reasons.

1) I need a contract to present to agents and landlords during my NL rental search, which is *already* not going well as I'm badly underpaid.
2) I won't have a contract is what I surmised. But If I *do* it is likely "Blah blah we hire X to perform Y services for Z an hour".
3) Cool. Except I'm a "specialist" and a key part of my *contract* work was that I am on-call for requests regarding [things - NDA] so the "actual work" I do is very little most of the time.
4)They want me to use a time sheet. Fair. Except as part of #3, I work extremely little compared to a regular job, I imagine max of 2,5 hours a day on average. Even if I charge more than my current, pathetic 11.59 gbp contract rate , this is gonna be a serious problem. If I go up to 20 gbp an hour, that's 50 a day. 24 work days (So more than you'd work already) is still only 1.2K GBP or a solid 50% less than what I currently earn. Nobody will want to rent me *shit* with this amount of money.
5)Suggesting a higher rate to compensate can make up for this. In theory, 30 an hour would put me back into a similar amount of money. Except...
6)...boss has to accept it and he likely won't.
7) This assumes I *am* given 2,5 hours of work each day (Very very unlikely) . Any less and I'm still down money.


Soooo.
I have *one month* to find a place in the Netherlands to rent before my contract expires and I either don't get one, or I get one that doesn't state my income so they won't care about it and it will be literally impossible to find a place to rent.
Talk about stressed.

Any Dutch friends have any insight on this?
Gently losing my mind over this, I obviously won't suddenly have a miracle land on me and find a place.
Especially because I want to move with my dog and an *incredible* amount of the few listings there even ARE, all specify "no dogs".
Thankfully my ex is okay for me to leave doggo behind with her to take care of, but that just puts my current problem of no rents on her when *she*wants to move to the Netherlands.
Plus, I'm worried I won't be there if doggo gets sick and moves on from this world..

I don't even know if work wants to restrict me working for anyone else with the "Contractor" arrangement because I have no proof or guarantees they will give me a livable salary (They seem averse to doing that already) because if they do, I can't even find a 2nd job to fill a paycheck with, get a contract from.
So currently it's really REALLY looking like I should find a Dutch job. They could move a lot of mountains for me to help me move there, they'd likely pay better, etc.

Crap situation.

Helloh!

I'm looking for someone who can take a commission to design me a little logo or emblem or something like that, you know?
Since I have zero visual imagination, I'd be working out the details from creation with them until delivery.
Anyone know anyone like that ?_?

It just dawned on me how important to my development something small and potentially silly has been.

Since I tend to do long posts and rambles, I'll try really hard to make this short :-P. Comment below for elaborations or deets if needed!

So around 1999\early 2000, Digimon came over to Hungary and got aired. And I freaking loved it. I was big on Dragonball, Sailor moon & the like at the time and Pokemon bored me to tears.
And it's that show that's played an incredibly pivotal part in me being who I am today in ways that are kind of shocking.

First of all, I barely had any friends, since my ADHD was diagnosed but never treated and nobody took it seriously. But *despite* being a weird friendless adhd brained misfit, I really liked what Gabumon's whole deal was with friendship and loyalty. There are 2 kinds of people in this world. Those who do not have and thus do not understand, and those who understand *because* they do not have. Even though my school had awful kids that often got into fights with me (One didn't like his test results and threw a *very heavy* cast iron school desk at me), I still tried to make it a point not to be an awful person and to treasure the few people I had. Some times, that didn't end up working as the rift widened, but trying was better than letting it go to fuck.

Secondly, Digimon was my rabbit hole starter into the furry fandom. Had I not gotten in here, I wouldn't have met a lot of my great friends - and it's doubtful I may have even survived.
You see, about 12 years ago, I was briefly homeless with a view of it happening again, and a furry I met through a different site was the one to alert her parents and rescue my stranded ass and bring me over to TERF Island.

Had I not had Digimon, I wouldn't have talked about it to a friend who showed me early furry porn of one particular character I was really interested in - Gabumon, and more importantly, his evolutions. Yes, my endless love of Weregarurumon isn't just a silly fan thing ! All the events peeling off that lead me to the fandom.

I am, like most people, a work in progress. It took a lot of experiences and falls to eventually bumble my way into being better. And it's not over yet.
But I very definitely have that period in time to thank for just becoming a better person, even if it didn't internalize immediately.

I tended to think of Digimon as that show with all the hot creatures to lust over for a long time but on second thought it's that *and* something very important to me. Wonder what would have happened if I hadn't ever found that show.
And I mean when you look at it, it's nothing *super* special. Bunch of kids and their monster friends doing the helpful justice good guys thing. I guess impressionable kids react to it differently? Ionno. Just positive headspin after this, haha.

Anyone else have something like this, something pivotal?