I've been so mellow.

It's all good.

Lately I have been hanging out with Liane's older brother Erich's friends. Me and travis are kind of an item, it's cute. <3
But it's all open ended, so there's no pressure on either of us, we hang out, cuddle, etc. But no titles.

I love hanging out with them because there isn't bunches of douchebaggery, everyone just tries to get along and there's absolutely no drama. We're all just...chill. It's sweet.
Too many times have I gotten pulled into tangled messes, webs with layers and layers of complication and drama. And I've just stopped buying into it at all. I won't even listen to the "he said, she said" bullcrap anymore, I just tune it out and go on to other things. It's just gotten me into trouble with people when I question them about it. I don't listen to it or confront people about it anymore. Someone has a problem with me, they can say it to my face, othwerwise, I hope they don't hate me, and if they do, oh well.

I just don't give a fuck. And in a good way.

I don't even like to partake in talking about people from high school. Or people I don't know. I dunno, I find it pointless. Which is why I go and find my own fun when people start digging out the yearbooks. I don't like talking shit behind people's backs. If I have a problem with them, they will know. Right now I don't have a problem with anyone, except maybe some family members, and they know.

I've gotten into disc golf, I hope to play again very soon! I like that it's been warm lately.

This spring break has been good for me. I've taken time to think about alot of things, and my inspiration has gone back up.

My mood is just so...flatline, mostly. And, I like it that way. I'm really beginning to think that love and intense feelings are pointless, they get us into trouble, make us selfish, and crush our hopes when the feelings aren't returned or get underwhelming responses.

Instead, just, be as good as you can to everyone, try to get along, don't cause unnecessary shit, just go with the flow. Be peaceful, and chill with lots of friends. And the sweet people will do the same right back. It just causes a chain of mellow and happy. Then, the inspiration comes on its own. The feeling that you do have friends who give a shit, and aren't just there for a relationship or sex and blow you off otherwise is an amazing one. One that makes you realize you don't have to intensely love just one person. Instead, give just a little bit of that love to everyone.
I've found that that's all I need to be happy.

Or maybe I'm just a stoner. I don't really know.

I just know I am so much more mellow now, and I like it.

not really dead guys

DUHHH

thought everyone would realize by now

I don't just die *rolls eyes*

Im feeling really sick now...

i thought id have more time but everything is taking effect quickly

icanty barely see anymore

i just want to tell everyone goodbye, i really did love you all

justwish you had felt the same.

i have nothing to livefor

bye.

ududududdudhwrftitititititi
gadjubub


llllllllllllllllllllllllllll


this is the best journal entry

ever


it wins the internet

Really know what I'm doing


All I've got is school



It seems that I do fail at everything else.

I am destined

to be alone.

Many people know me as the "party girl", the "raver", "the chick with the colorful hair that goes totally carefree and wild." So this might sound "strange" to hear this from me to some people.


Listen, people. Life isn't all a-fucking-bout partying and just not doing anything that's unpleasant.
You do that constantly, eventually you don't appreciate anything. You don't have a direction, and like a vicious cycle keep looking for the next quick fix to solve your 'boredom'. Each time taking it to more and more dangerous levels.
I've realized this about some people I'd been hanging out with the past few weeks and know it isn't the path for me.
I'm done with that. I'll see them on weekends within groups of other people maybe, and even then distance myself from them. That's it.


I am not JUST a partier. I will not be carried away constantly. And I'm not to be thought of only that way.
I both want, and have direction in my life. School IS important to me, and I honestly don't care if people have a problem with that anymore or call me lame for it.
No one is going to literally take my work away from me and pass it off as "helping" me anymore.
If I have an assignment due, I'm not going to skip and flunk it just to go dancing. No, I will just go dancing another night.
As mean as I might sound I'm not going to drop everything for everyone anymore just because I prefer company to being stuck alone.



I've become a lot MORE rational by keeping my sense of purpose and duty, yet at the same time this leaves room on the other side for so many more dreams.
All about balance, like it's said.
You can't appreciate the dreams when all you HAVE is dreams and nothing to show for it.


With this sense of direction, voila! my creativity and inspiration's suddenly come back too! Hooray! So maybe I will start putting up more arts and actually set up my paypal for commissions.


I've been doing some thinking and talking to people closest to me and realizing what's really important. They've helped me get back on track too.


xD I may have trust issues, but at least now I know where my loyalties DON'T lie, where they are a waste of my time, effort, and what little emotions I have that aren't desensitized.

And, though I'll never say for absolute certain, possibly ever, I think I'm starting to see where they do. Which is a profound thing for me.



And sure I have visions of things outside of school, now perhaps even moreso. Hopeless romance and giddiness about it, that will probably never be reciprocated. But I guess that's part of being an artist. To carry the burden of dreams that will never come true for us, and when we try to express it, instead send it to another dimension entirely.
See-able, but not quite attainable.

Artists ARE all gay. xD



And, I know I've always been alone.
I have been hurt while alone.
But also I've continued to live on and make accomplishments while alone.
I saw myself start to fall back into a pattern, and the fear continue to amplify more and more, all because I wanted to forget the me that WAS, and again live under the illusion that people "care" and that I'm not alone. PEople can only care so much...

I know that all too well because I such a disregard of my OWN for people that annoy me. I guess sometimes I get upset about how little people care about me and how easily they CAN forget me because I know how easily I can do both myself.

I guess it's more of a war I have with humanity itself. There's always this inner struggle, and this strain to achieve some kind of balance.


There are people and dreams that inspire me more than any substance/drug EVER could. And, they intoxicate me more than the bottle the others handed to me ever could.
I didn't know these feelings were left in me really. It's got to be something epic, when things can do that. It's got to.

Life seems to be really looking up. Especially this past month.
What a great way to ring in the new year. n.n

I was stressed for so long. But I've made some tough decisions, toughed out some other stuff and it just seems like everything is turning out for the better, for lots of people.


Just when you think all your bridges have been burned and only the dust and ash remains...
There's just this little light of hope that starts peeking out of the concrete, this concrete is what we're led (falsely) to believe ... that our life is set in stone.

When really it was just put there, over the grass that shoots up every spring once again. Nothing but an artifice, planted by hands of laborers putting up preconceived paths.

As for myself, I make my own paths. I need no generic, pre-made paths. I go wherever my wings take me, and dammit, I can soar.
Few people are on my level and I go right over their heads.


anything is possible. Anything. And you know, for that I'm happy.
I'm not sure if things are fated, nay, I have the ego to believe *I* control my own fate.

One thing is for sure.
I do have chances.
Everyone has chances.
And now they're illuminated.

Things done are bolded

1. Smoked
2. Drank alcohol
3. Cried when someone died
4. Been drunk
5. Had sex
6. Been to a concert
7. Gotten/given a hand job
8. Gotten/given a blow job
9. Been verbally/sexually harassed
10.Verbally/sexually harassed somebody
11. Felt someone up and/or been felt up
12. Laughed so hard something came out of your nose.
13. Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend before.
14. Been cheated on by a boyfriend/girlfriend
15. Been to prom.
16. Cried at school
17. Gotten lost in a WalMart or a department store.
18. Went streaking
19. Given or received a lap dance.
20. Had someone of the opposite sex in your room
21. Had someone of the opposite sex sleep over
22. Slept over at someone of the opposite sex's house
23. Kissed a stranger
24. Hugged a stranger
25. Went scuba diving
26. Driven a car
27. Gotten an x-ray
28. Hit by a car
29. Had a party
30. Done serious drugs
31. Played strip poker/darts/basketball
32. Got paid to strip for someone
33. Run away from home.
34. Broken a bone.
35. Eaten sushi
36. Bought porn
37. Watched porn
38. Made porn
39. Had a crush on someone of the same sex
40. Been in love
41. French kissed
42. Laughed so hard you cried
43. Cried yourself to sleep
44. Laughed yourself to sleep
45. Stabbed yourself
46. Shot a gun
47. Trash talked someone and then acted like their best friend the next day
48. Been online for 9 consecutive hours.
49. Watched TV for 9 consecutive hours.
50. Watched an animal die.
51. Watched a person die
52. Kissed and/or messed around somewhere with at least 1 person present.
53. Pranked somebody.
54. Put somebody in the hospital (I helped "put" my mom in the hospital once but that is because she's crazy)
55. Snuck into someone's room and/or your own room after being out
56. Kissed somebody of the same sex
57. Dressed punk
58. Dressed goth
59. Dressed preppy
60. Been to a motocross race
61. Avoided somebody
62. Been stalked
63. Stalked someone
64. Met a celebrity.
65. Played an instrument.
66. Ridden a horse
67. Cut yourself
68. Bungee jumped.
69. Ding dong ditched somebody.
70. Been to a wild party.
71. Got caught stealing something.
72. Kicked/punched a guy in the balls.
73. Stolen a boyfriend/girlfriend from a friend.
74. Gone out with your friend's crush.
75. Got arrested.
76. Been pregnant.
77. Babysat
78. Been to another country.
79. Started your house on fire.
80. Had an encounter with a ghost.
81. Donated your hair to cancer patients.
82. Been asked out by someone that you never thought you'd be asked out by.
83. Cried over a family member of the opposite sex.
84. Had a boyfriend/girlfriend for 3 months or more.
85. Sat on your butt all day
86. Ate a whole carton of ice cream all by yourself.
87. Had a job.
88. Gotten cut from a sports team.
89. Been called a whore.
90. Danced like a whore.
91. Been mistaken for a celebrity.
92. Been in a car accident.
93. Been told you have beautiful eyes.
94. Been told you have beautiful hair.
95. Raped somebody.
96. Danced in the rain.
97. Been rejected.
98. Walked out of a restaurant without paying.
99. Punched someone/slapped someone in the face.
100. Been raped

...I'm tired.


Alas, no sleep for the wicked. >:P

I works on arts right now.

the tables have turned.
And my life is upside down.
I don't know what to do anymore.

I feel like I don't have a choice.
It hurts.

it's just not right. In a lot of ways. It's a STUPID reality of mine I wish I didn't see. I take a lot of the blame on myself.

I jumped in blindly, much too fast, feetfirst. All parties involved in this were blind though. a lack of understanding to try and fulfill our own wants.

I don't want to hurt anyone. it is going to hurt, either path.
I'm not being fair this way, I'm being an abandoner in the other, to my own self too.

People I once persecuted for abandoning me, I can somewhat grasp why now. And I can see why holding on for that while even though it wasn't right hurt so much.

All just to feel safe.

My life's a bit scrambled right now.

I'm just not sure what I want anymore, and I've come to realize that.
what I said I wanted before was my associate's, an income, video games. A perfect physique.
The video games still stand. But that's besides the point. xP

I was thinking about this shit. I want my associate's, but then what? Where do I even go from there? An internship having to do with the graphic design may help but then it's like I'm too intimidated to even compile my best work and show it. And it's like, I'm just not sure of what I want to do, exactly.
Sure there are things I like to do, but the same thing, all day every day for the rest of my life?


I am afraid of committing to anything I'm supposed to do for the rest of my life right now... I don't want to feel like anything's set in stone because sometimes it's only after you get the position, only after you get involved that you start to realize what it's all truly about. Small things that aren't quite right for you build up, and...

and then you're afraid to change it for fear of loss or letting people down, even if it isn't the right place for you (anymore).

To make it even more complicated is when people seem to be setting it in stone FOR you...but you haven't even gotten your own internal wants or feelings together. and then you feel bad when you snap at them over differences you can no longer do anything about. You want to tell them to leave you be yet you still want them for the needs of yours they DO fulfill besides the ones they don't, rather than having nothing. Or at least I do anyway.


I wonder if people see me as the bastard I really am or not. Honestly? I feel like I don't have components of a "soul." Sometimes I think I might care about things and people a lot only because of my own ego. My wanting to be the better person at something. Sometimes I wonder if the whole of humanity is like that. All at the same time I feel like I care very deeply for my friends, adore many people, like to do things for people whenever I have the means or money. but again, maybe that's not my soul, just some false sense of empathy I've chosen to make it look like I have morals, something yet again I wanted to be the 'better' person at.

I wonder a lot about whether souls are just delusions of grandeur our egos make. Hell, I have such an inflated ego I have alter-egos. I have fursonas I fly around with and dream about. I get, I suppose, extrasensory intuition and insight about people I like, like some spoiled child of the new century.



I see someone in an unhappy situation/ where they've been wronged and really want to be that person to catch them when they fall. Or rather, have them never fall again because they'd be safe in my arms.
It sounds sweet of me in theory, but am I really sweet? If I were actually sweet I would wish I had the ability to empower that person with not being afraid getting up, dusting off, and not being afraid of standing alone? Being whole and unafraid for once ever solo?
It's for my own selfish reasons that I want to hold them, talk to them, tell them everything, isn't it? To be THEIRS.

I haven't even dealt with my own fear of being alone yet and here I am thinking of that.
And then, to be selfish enough to disregard everything else because of these internal gears, this intution telling me there's something really important there, my first instinct being wanting to cling onto it, smitten and driven wild.
To be constantly reminded of the other things I haven't worked out yet that don't seem right for me...or are semi-right for me, but just not in the way they intend to be. I'm so afraid of admitting when I don't feel quite the same, for fear of losing the part that I really do like. And have too much pride and ego to admit that I've made a mistake and can't live up to their expectations.
Feeling like it's something that's supposed to be a great, fulfilling part of my life but not in the same aspects.


I feel like there's so many more people I have to meet yet.
That, after I did lose four friends of 10+ years over the major ex of four years (and freaked out badly over it because it's my worst fear)
I realized there were better people out there all along anyway.

I got out there, met new people and some just instantly CLICKED like the other ones that tossed me aside never had..

I meet some people and there's this instant, epic sort of similarity, like I've known them for years already. And then I wish I had.
You always want what you can't have...and then once you have it, then what?

But, people are free...you've never had them to begin with....they can leave at any time.

I think that's how I'll deal with a portion of the current confusion, by thinking like that. That, even if I had them, I might not ever really have them. And they might not me either, because (I'm a picky bastard?) I might eventually change again, see small things add up that I can't deal with, or just want to go another way again.
I might stay happy for quite some time and then one day realize it isn't for me, like the fool I am.


There are only a few things that have stayed constants in my life. This is living my life as an artist, seeing elaboration and layers in everything. even the writing is a pert of my title of artist. I like to illustrate, be it words or pictures. I like to tell my story about this life and these people central to it because I'm an egotistical slob, but at least I realize it I suppose.

My head is in a whirlwind of confusion. I'm filled with regret, smittenness, imagination, brain meltage around the people I want to tell the most things, a lack of direction but a want for other directions that are completely unsure, creativity but passiveness, sickness but exhilaration. Guilt over quite a few things I'm feeling but can't seem to help.