A poem about my experiences being, doing, seeing, losing, and choosing as an artist what it means to be online. As an artist and to gain and hold influence in an environment that encourages blinding narcissism by nature of its cultural expression.



Gimme your dang art!
Play your damn part!
Social media Social media
Please fulfill my heart

I'm so empty
My soul has left me
I need attention
Attention a plenty

I need your kinks
I need you to think
I've got it going on
And that I don't stink

So draw for me please
Let's trade artistry

Just know it'll never
Make me happy
Never and forever
Not a single bit better

It might be a please
It's probably a tease
But it's just for a moment
A moment of ease

I'll reach out for anyone
Branching like trees
I'll lie to you boldly
"Only you can help me."

So please let's acquaint
And please let me paint
You with my target sign
I'll strike you a feint

You gave me your blow
And now watch me go
Hey, know your place, pal!
Don't dare to follow

I'm me, I'm my own
Stay out of my zone
Just give me your art
Give your heart, blood, and bones


And when I go big?
You better go fig
I ain't gonna invite you
To none of my gigs

'Cause I don't know commitment
I'm only a kid
I live in the moment
Don't know what I did

Don't know where my soul went
Don't care where it hid
Just give me your kindness
It will be wasted


Please give me your grace
Pity my blindness
See my anxious face?
How I hurt when I mind this

This history of my own
This misery in my bones
This mystery which I won't show
This hysteria when you know

What I've done
And who I've hurt
How I don't care
And even worse
Think I'm the victim
How perverse


Don't hold me accountable
Please don't say you found 'em all
Because my sins are deep within
And I won't look in that direction

I just wanna escape my past
Is that really so much to ask
After all, I ran so fast
From the violent explosive blast

That I caused 'n refuse to see
Or take responsibility

You want real friends but why insist?
You're a silly clown for feeling so pissed
Look around, haven't you noticed?
This playground is for narcissists

A human isn't meant to be
Drowning in popularity
We're meant to live
Meant to give
Energy to souls
Not lies through a sieve

I wasn't given a chance to be human
So I chose to be a work of art
But all this time I should've looked when
I wanted to be human from the start

Your attention?
It's best unspent on
Narcissistic works of art
Please always ask your questions
Look much closer at the hearts






If you don't know what DARVO is?
You're a narcissist's best friend.

Please take care.

I wish I could be a happier artist, perhaps. The kind who was light-hearted and joyful in every breath of his art? Perhaps I wish that I could be a beacon of entertainment, with no sudden holes of emotion for folks to fall in? I've dreamed of wanting my art to be easy to enjoy, of my characters to be flat affects that everyone could walk upon and enjoy. With no dimensions of height and volume to climb or sink into.

I've once been flattened in my own soul. It's how I express disassociation. To reduce the experience of being into just the facts. No dimensionality, no volume. No emotion. Just the facts, and hardly even a story really. A sequence of information.

And that's not who I wish myself or my art to be. I don't wish to disassociate from the true experience of myself in order to please anybody with my art. I confess I've noticed myself deeply enjoying watching horror and elation light up in the surprised comments and reactions of others to my art. I'd much rather unsettle folks than be loved, I have to admit.

And I don't want to hurt anybody with that dimensionality of emotion, but I must confess: my art has always panged with a traumatic core that's nestled as infinitely deeply as the love I have for my work and what I do.

Creating my Dandy Toons campaign and unraveling its story has forced me to encounter within myself the fact that I will always revisit themes of deeply troubled trauma and the ways that trauma expresses itself sexually through kinks and perverse relationships.

I really can't avoid that that is where I love to express myself and be who I am. And I don't want to avoid it by disassociating from it and attempting to fulfill some kind of mask of pleasing an imagined standard to unfairly hold against myself. Y'know, "pleasing others.". I really don't want to engage in that kind of fantasy play...when I really could be imagining the traumatic inflection of my childhood expressed in a fox stepping on someone and flattening them.

That is way cooler than pretending to be something else and flattening my own soul with disassociation.

So anyway, this is just my own declaration to myself, made a public example because I am an artist.


I'm going to let my emotion, all of it, bleed through my art and kinks. Because I want my blood to flow and pump. I want to be alive.

Not a sequence of actions and information.


Also fuck GEN AI users, seriously, haha. Use your brain. USE YOUR BRAIN. USE YOUR BRAIN

Howdy my supposed friend.

It's been a while, but I've been convinced I shouldn't make it any longer, so what I'm about to tell you comes from a deep well in my soul. Whether you care to hear this is the question, because it isn't pleasant or friendly, and it's a little past its expiration date one could say.

Firstly, I'm sorry for giving you the silent treatment, and hiding my true feelings from you. If I truly wanted to do what was for the best, you would have known from the start when the feelings were benign. But I was caught up in myself and still am in a way, otherwise I wouldn't be here saying this all. But I believe it needs to be said. And before I continue I want you to understand that I send you this message with zero expectation of the future, this is but a mere expression my my soul, nothing more.

When I first met you, around that time, I remember us talking about animation, I think I was doing a piston animation of Orange and you'd given me advice about anticipation frames, and even created an example animation to demonstrate the timing difference. I always thought that was so impressive and cool, and the experience painted a strong positive impression of you, and I honestly kept that impression for a long time. I learned alot from you that day, and went on to do all sorts of things with the knowledge. You were great in my eyes and I always assumed you knew alot more about art and things than you let on, and I guess you can say that I wanted to learn what I thought you secretly knew, like I could experience something like that story about you teaching me anticipation frames for a second time. I think it's part of why I liked to do art challenges with you.

While I didn't know then that I was driven by that initial impression of you, I think that desire put alot of cumbersome pressure and strain on you in a very negative way, and I'm very sorry for that. However, I also wanted you to know how I looked up to you that way, because I don't think I was mature enough to express it when we last talked. And just as well, I don't think I was mature enough to express the following:

You deeply hurt me the last time we regularly spoke, and not only that, I feel like a great deal of what can described as our friendship was ultimately toxic and poorly communicated. I'm not at all implying I'm faultless because I've been weird and volatile towards you in some, or perhaps many of our exchanges, and I'm opening myself to you right now to air any grievances you may have with me and I will pay mind and listen.

However I have to say that I've come away from our relationship feeling powerfully hurt and very convinced that it was irreconcilable, and sincerely began to believe you did not care how I felt. So I ran away from it, from you, and childishly deleted just about everything I'd drawn of you from my online galleries. I chose not to speak about it because of that perceived apathy, even though you later came to me and asked how I was doing. I continued to believe you weren't actually concerned about me, because I also deeply felt that throughout our entire relationship you seemed to care about my retired character Niju far more than you were interested in being my friend.

Sincerely, I enjoyed that you loved Niju so much, he was a deeply personal creation of mine, so naturally I was flattered. But over the course of our interactions I felt as if a pattern developed of you being Hot when the topic was Niju, and Cold when the topic was anything other than Niju. I also felt like this Hot & Cold pattern grew overtly stronger over time, to the point that I felt like a complete stranger if the topic wasn't Niju.

This experience culminated completely in two separate incidents. The first time was when I sincerely offered to give you Niju as a character, to give you everything related to him, because I felt so emotionally beaten down by this pattern that I didn't know what to do and wanted to give up by giving him up.

The second was when I cleaned the ink up on an old gift comic I'd drawn for you, and then coloured and shaded it. I felt embarrassed that I made you that offer of my character, and I wanted to do something nice for you, but admittedly I also wanted to know how you'd respond to the gift, because that felt easier than talking to you.

What I remember about your response was that you seemed clearly uninterested in the comic, and that you had nothing to say about it when I probed for some kind of a response. And I distinctly remember you not showing any appreciation for the gift, and then not interacting with it for the day and a half after I uploaded it despite actively replying to other art as well as gift art you'd gotten at the time. Admittedly, I was very desparately searching for acknowledgement from you, not just for that gift, but for me in general. But I was profoundly convinced that day that you didn't value me, and that any value I had to you was only for the sake of fetish art of Niju, even after I'd repeatedly stated I'd retired the character. Admittedly, I directly stated I was making exceptions for you, but I profoundly regret drawing him for you at all nowadays.

Have you ever done anything wrong to me? No, you haven't, and I will assure you that I've never said a poor thing about you to anyone, because you have never done anything to hurt me. And I think you are a great artist, who draws stuff that I would enjoy, and I'd be happy to tell that to others if your name came up. I really mean all of that.

I deluded myself into thinking we wanted the same thing as friends and voluntarily made self-violating sacrifices to my personal boundaries, comfort, and artistic expression to you for the sake of that delusion. I should've noticed you weren't responding positively long before things got as bad as they did, and that truly isn't your fault.

But you certainly never treated me right, and I have a hatred for you now, and I hate carrying this feeling.

I hate you, my ex-never-once-a-friend.

But I hope you're doing well.








This is a letter I sent years ago to someone I admired for most of my time online up until a few years ago. Why am I sharing it?


I genuinely think it will help younger folks. I don't see people giving examples and talking about their experiences publicly, so I'll just set myself on fire a little.

What are we doing here together, huh?

I'm an artist, what does that mean for me? I draw my interests, and I draw kinks, and I have a weakness to draw for attention, because I started out drawing online while in a pit of profound loneliness. What does that mean for me? What should I be doing with that across time? How should I understand what I'm doing with others?

Well what is an artist here? Is that someone who...draws as a hobby? Someone who draws for spiritual need? Someone who draws for indulgence? What if it's all 3? What if they're just someone who only draws maybe once a month? Every day? All these answers change the rules for an artist, and all these rules change what an artist will understand about and want from their audience.

These terribly complicated questions will plague some artists, or go terribly neglected by others, or be answered in simplicity with confidence and determination. I'm one of the artists who neglected these kinds of questions, and over the last three years leading up to therapy I've been churning them in my mind quite thoroughly.

Now get ready for the butter, because you're already bread.

I've learned those questions are kind of distracting and dumb, and that there's a few simpler questions to focus on:
"What do I want?"
"What do I expect of myself?"
"What image and impression am I giving everyone about myself?"
"What is expected of me?"
"Are any of these things in conflict with each other? Resolve conflicts by prioritizing questions in descending order."

Across time I've had to understand that because I draw for indulgence, for spiritual need, and for sillies, that I give off a very confusing image, because I've had difficulty keeping some things where they belong. Wires got crossed repeatedly, and in that cross-confusion, the answers to these five questions were always shifting in and out of place. I was changing constantly, and it was giving off a confusing aura and vibe to my audience and commissioners.

What did I learn from my folly?
Know your people, or start finding them. It starts with finding yourself.

Where am myself? In other people. Figure that out.

How does that work? Everyone in the world is a signal to the source of our being. Everyone. The source of our being is primed, ready potential that simply requires a relationship as a vector to reach its destiny. Other people carry within them things that pull and tug on our souls and interests, or that make us shrivel and run in fear. But these things give us impulse and move us away and towards who we are.

I believe we owe a responsibility to ourselves to search for those things in others, and that we truly begin to know ourselves when we acknowledge that the interesting thing we find in other people: Comes from somewhere outside of ourselves.

And that process gets terribly messy, which is why I've learned to start bringing it back to those five simple questions.

Why those five simple questions though?

I plan to be around for a long time as an artist, and I never truly grappled with the seriousness of that before. It's easy to fall into a trap of simply doing what I'm doing to make art and passing along to the next idea, and I did that most of my life without considering where it was going and how I wanted it to be.

So I want to share with everyone what I've learned so that they can understand what I believe are good rules to guiding oneself into kinky prosperity as an artist in a community.

Finding one's people and understanding the kind of relationship you want to have with those people is important. They can be geared towards encouraging more collaborative creative work, or intended for inspiring perverse feelings in each other for the fun of it, or to explore ideas in conversation, or to do art trades, etc.

So, when dealing with others, I now add this question to my list:

"Is this the kind of relationship I want to live with, and where is it going?"

What relationship do I want to have with my kinky toon audience, and where is it going?

It's going far away from explicit sexual imagery, and even further into kinky imagery that rides the fence, for one. I don't ever want to talk to my audience about their direct sexual impulse, it grosses me out and makes me uncomfortable, but I do enjoy talking around a kinky topic to build it up, while never touching directly on the sexual energy another might have towards it. I like being able to talk through and create complex kinky scenarios and ideas with people for the sake of roleplay or creating art(same thing) without ever getting into explicit sex, in order to play with dynamics and ideas.

I want to be able to inspire people down a sexual path, and not go down it with them, because I'm that big of a pervert, and the ideas and pictures I play with are just that kinky and awesome. But to also still be there to talk with the sexual perverts about ideas in general, because I don't want to close my mind off completely.

So my key suggestion to artists seeking art friends, especially artists who want to take commissions?

Figure out how you want to talk with people to make fun and make art with them. Try out ways of engaging in conversation or asking questions to bring out fun ideas and feelings in each other that help make the art flow and that does inspire. Don't only simply make what's great then masturbate.

I don't believe online art is about making sure you can churn out a picture for money in time and make a living, I think this drawing for others/commission stuff is an important vector of expression and exploration that an artist, commissioner/friend needs to take seriously as a realm of mastery to engage with, because it points to the souls in each other.

I believe it's an utterfly foolish philosophy of some artists and some commissioners to be searching for "Ready-Made" Clients/Artists when it comes to drawing an idea outside of a template for a commission. Sometimes a client just wants an artist as a tool to draw the idea, and that's fine. And sometimes an artist just wants a client that has an idea they want to have paid drawn, everything already prepared, shazam. And that's fine and great, too.

But I believe that growth, and the true soul required to live a human life, are found in exploring that realm of communication that happens between two people before something new is created.

I believe that that realm is communication is where people find themselves, and see each other, and make friends.

Anyway, those are my thoughts again.

Questions again:

For dealing with OTHERS(People, communities, circles):
"Is this the kind of relationship I want to live with, and where is it going?"


"What do I want?"
"What do I expect of myself?"
"What image and impression am I giving everyone about myself?"
"What is expected of me?"
"Are any of these things in conflict with each other? Resolve conflicts by prioritizing questions in descending order."


Thanks fo reading. Myehkobold.

I'm sorry to my audience for being such an anxious person all of my life and taking it out publicly all of the time. I'm sorry for being scary and intimidating, because I was too weak and self-isolating. I'm sorry for growing that anxiety into paranoia in the past, and carrying an ominous cloud around me. And I'm sorry that it took so long to understand that all.

I was exercising and these thoughts summoned upon me, thoughts I consider every day about my entire time being an online toon artist. I've always viewed the way I carried myself as a dumpster fire, but never quite understood how resigned I was to that image of myself. I just kept doing without intention, and feeling without question.

My friends, the people who appreciate my work, they're all who directly had to suffer the qualities of my neglectful attitude. An attitude which expressed itself with confusion, frustration, and an insatiable neediness from others. A neediness which even I couldn't properly articulate because of my neglect. The anxiety was just `too much`, and -I was too much of a victim on my own-..."it wasn't fair that I had to help myself with nobody's help at all.", and honestly, somebody should've been there for me, right?

But people were there, I just didn't acknowledge them for the full capacity of who and what they were. Because I was searching for what I thought I needed, which was best described as only things I wanted but didn't understand.

And people were helping me, perhaps the best they could, perhaps some not at all, but my attitude to only pay attention to what I was looking for neglected to acknowledge the value and help they brought to my life...because I was just so anxious, and needy.

Perhaps one of the largest problems I can see myself repeatedly making is the attempt to rebrand myself, to play with my identity and art style and see if people would support that. I wasn't aware that I'd fallen into such a state of disrepair and neglect that I felt the need to -destroy my sense of self and re-arrange it in hopes that people would like me more now-.

I also wasn't aware that it was possible to simply remain in the realm of toons, and then expand my sense of self outward into anime art styles and attempt to manage both at the same time. I was too anxious to consider that, I thought I had to be only one thing, so naturally...when I tried to totally transform myself and everyone reacted with confusion...it only left me more anxious.

I kept going about handling myself and others the wrong way simply because I was too anxious. Every gesture was becoming grand and large, nothing was simple, easy, and relaxed anymore. I was becoming a tensely wound up puppet for a machine of anxiety that was losing touch with the people around me, and myself.

Now, if that's how I behaved privately....well, my public record is messy I must confess.


Why do I share all of this? I honestly, sincerely wanted to apologise to everyone for how truly terrible my behaviour has been, and gets. And perhaps...may still express itself poorly because of my anxiety.

Because my experience with anxiety has been one of disassociation most of my life. ...I wasn't really aware that I was that anxious, because I was hidden behind my porcelain mask, concealing myself from my own feeling so I could function and perform The Artistry.

And that element of neglecting to be in connection with my feelings is a powerful factor for why my anxiety was able to grow out of control and hurt so many others in my time online, just because I was trying to make friends and I was too selfish and childish to really pay attention to my feelings and take care of them. ...I tried to make it everyone else's problem, and I'm sorry for that.


The support and gratitude I've received across my life means the world to me, and it's scary to admit that my anxiety had made me lose touch of that gratitude, and just how powerfully heartfelt the first interactions of support for my work online really are to me.

So I wanted to share the general story of my folly and anxiety, in hopes that any artists who do look up to me learn to...care for your feelings seriously, and share your feeling with others carefully.

Don't try to use people as puppets and get them to say and do the things you feel like you need to be happy. Just have faith and pay attention and appreciate them for what you truly see them for, and try to love and move forward.

https://bsky.app/profile/jardtoons....../3lka4xbvv2k2z

Toon Tower Tumble is a Social Pyrography Project I want to complete this year. And unlike my fanciful dreams of wanting to make a 2D game out of toons...this one I can actually complete on my own with my current abilities. (Zen won't learn to code yet.)

https://bsky.app/profile/jardtoons....../3ljr5gezgnc22

I've noticed that the one thing that seems the absolute most consistent about me and my artistic habits is my desire to bring people together into a picture. I love expressing the sense of connection and community I want to see in visual and artistic form(Still....working really hard on expressing that with my -entire- life.

...So I want to continue doing that with this project, but in order to step forward with this project I feel as though I need to express a sentiment about Toon Tower Tumble, and what it means to participate in it.


Because this is a social art project, funded by commissioners and my personal love for my friends and toons. But I also have to reconcile with the fact that socializing with others, and participating in kink games, is a very sensitive realm of intimacy. And the greater community is large enough that heated division of petty and deep natures between participants can exist. And I've personally been a divisive, anxiety-driven idiot in the past, so I must confess that I understand the sensitivities around having beef with people.

So my intentions are to express my intentions as absolutely clear for this project, and to impose upon everyone who chooses to participate on this project my intended philosophy for this project's existence.

Together as toons we build our community, and it might be uncomfortable at times to be considered part of the same structure as everyone entirely, or to feel like a load-bearing piece of the puzzle tightly connected to other. Or perhaps empowering and rewarding. Maybe anxiety inducing to consider the possibility that one will bring some or all of the tower tumbling down if they tried to dislodged. Some folks pass in and out real easily, end up rotating back into the tower or sitting out the game. Regardless, as toons we're resilient, and we bounce back to life just so we could comically fall down again.




So, my philosophy for this project is: No interpersonal drama.

If you have personal beef with someone who is part of the tower, keep it to the vessel of your beefy relationship, and outside of the vessel of this project, please. It will never be my business or the business of everyone else involved in this project, unless it's like...criminal?




Also MAGA furs, and their colloquially known equivalents, nazifurs, aren't welcome to participate. They've demonstrated an intolerable willingness to support the blatantly expressed intended eradication of people I love and those with identities like mine. They've expressed alliance with sincere sentiments of sinful evil, and should go to hell in their hearts and burn in a fire until the sin is gone and something worth redeeming remains.















For clarity's sake, here's an updated list of all the BRICKED TOONS.

Jaydii (It's Miibiidii)
AppTextures
Aero_Osprey
Cornbread Cat
Cyrus(Flatbirb)
ZincXIron
Kelveron




Thank you for supporting me through my continued madness and insanity. I love doing this stuff despite myself!! <3


So if you'd like to be part of this first set of bricks (54) send me a DM with your ref, an expression desired, and whether you'd like the pose symmetrical or tangled up. Can ask me to focus on a specific body part too, like paws or hands or belly, etc.

I keep the bricks. Part of this deal is I get to steal your soul after trapping it in the wood, and therefore I need to keep the bricks.

...It's also important for being able to play the game at cons.


Ultimately I intend to find a way to give these a matte varnish that protects the bricks without disrupting the ability to play "Jenga" with them. I'd also like to create a little soft, flat "play mat" for cushioning falling bricks on a table to avoid damaging them too much (kind of inevitable, I feel like, impermenant art)


Payment via paypal.

People want to talk to me about kinky stuff?

I wanna talk about traumagenic kinks, ya'll! But I don't know how! I also want to talk about Endogenic kinks, and the relationship between them, and the overall etiquette?? of roleplay? But to key things in, let's focus on these elements:

Antagonism, sadism, and qualities like permanence send shivers down the spine. Negatively! Positively?? Ambivalently!?! All in varying quantities, too. So how do we handle the boundaries around this?

I don't know, I'm not offering solutions, really. Like I said, I'm here to talk, not reveal the new order. I'd love to hear others' thoughts <3! I personally just really like thinking and talking about these things.

But I am somebody who came into the online space packed full of Traumagenic Kinks. Traumagenic, meaning: I developed it as a response to trauma.

....So what? Right? A kink's a kink, don't make a stink, don't make me think! Right? Yyeaaahhhhh....wellll.....I was a teenager when I started out on DA. Not trying to make this about me, illustrating a point: I was young, naive, and trauma-centric entering the kink realm as an artist who wanted to contribute to a community(and get attentionplzpl0xthanks).


So what this means is: I had a traumagenic attitude about my kinks. ....This was a complex, most often horrible thing for me, and for the people who therefore began to encounter me on my journey across life as a toon artist, because the boundaries I had constructed around a traumagenic attitude were hurting others and myself whenever we engaged in kinkplay. The boundaries I'd subconsciously built were designed to essentially recreate the way my traumatic experience made me feel, in a kinky way: In a secure, trusted, safe environment? Right??

SURE? MAAAYYYBEEE??? But is it a actually safe, secure, and trusted environment if I myself am operating under a traumagenic intention and am essentially Seeking Any Actors Out For My Kinky Stageplay Where I'm The Director and Main Star?. Is it a safe environment between me and my roleplay partner on a 1 on 1 DM Session to roleplay something erotic together under that intention, and I haven't communicated my intention to them because I myself don't even understand it yet?? I really don't know, life is life??

What if it's not erotic, and what if it's actually a large, shared server and I'm just being antagonistic like a cartoon bully? Am I creating a fun, encouraging, playful environment if all I'm doing when I engage with it is twist every picture shared and joke made into something about me? Or if when others were goofing around, I always interjected to be a bully and insult others as a joke? And never quite extended past the boundaries of my little, little game?

After all, every cartoon slapstick needs an antag, and it's the only role I fit into y'know? Lemme just stomp on you some more, please~

Am I....having good etiquette if I do all of that? I did it most of my life, I'm ashamed to say, and happy to laugh at and share for the sake of wisdoms and insights, and the chance that others can take a crack at me and reveal something more maybe.

So what am I even trying to get at?

I'm not trying to create fear and apprehension around social banter and kinky roleplay, rather I am trying to promote more mindfulness about it. Because I really believe a tremendous deal of unnecessary pain, dread, and confusion is caused when people don't pay attention to themselves, the way I didn't.

And I believe a great deal of young artists who enter a kink community often are packed full of traumagenic kinks that they're still in the midst of trying to work through and understand how to express healthily with one another.

Which is why I'm writing this journal, to plead with everyone to be more mindful with themselves, and towards others. Because I would like to discourage the chances of more young artists being encouraged down an uncontrolled self-destructive path of kink-expression just because they meet people who like their art..

And if you want me to offer my solution to this whole etiquette problem?

I EVENTUALLY BEGAN TO practice sharing my feelings and speaking the truth of my desires as kindly as I could while remaining sincere to my personal boundaries, and then waiting for and responding to the response.

MY PERSONAL RULE OF THUMB If a toon can't show me some real feels, or at least make a genuine wildtake at the world news, then I will never share my kinks or playfulness with them.

Across most of my time online I feel like I've caused a tremendous deal of pointless minor and major sufferings... and incurred a great deal of them to myself as well, but perhaps those ones were necessary.



So why do I share this all now? Because I've started DMing D&D, as I call it for myself, Dandy Toons, and in the future that might grow into something much larger, and if it does....I'd like to have at least started encouraging the kind of roleplay environment around myself that I'd like to be within.

And these are thoughts that I believe are supremely important, as a person who has fucked around and found out and now wants to share the wisdom of pain.

Thanks for reading, thanks for being around and dealing with my clownin'.

I just haven't felt inspired to post anything here except a reminder that I'm not actually here despite not having left.

https://bsky.app/profile/jardtoons.bsky.social

I should have a website made for me and App...


Anyway, all of my kinks pre-2018 are all traumagenic. And everything kinky post-2018 is endogenic.

Kinks are like personality structures. Boy howdy do they spin. It's worth meditating on what they mean to us.

I'm not leaving furaffinity. But I sincerely don't feel comfortable like I used to posting here. I bake doodles almost every day.

https://bsky.app/profile/jardtoons.bsky.social

Catch my doodles and my occasional insane ramblings there. Alot of my activity is focusing on Bluesky right now.

Still posting stuff here.

I ran the module with a group of four friends as one of the initial tests. It ended up being a two session long module with a group that large. The first session ended with all of them being jarred and imprisoned for their antics. And the campaign concluded with a majority of them being made into temporary contract servants for some kobolds. It was a friggin' blast.

I believe this module can be completed successfully in one long session with a group of 2 or 3, and have a few more tests to run with it.

Right now I've got a few more tweaks I've learned to make after the first test run, and I actually still need to gather proper music, and draw my own token art for my OCs in the module. As well as plug some stuff into Foundry by hand, still...

I'm still not certain on how I want to price this module. I'm considering making it a flat $100 total to run from start to completion for a group of 2 or 3 people. Not certain though. Maybe less, we shall see. Payment is something that the players can split between themselves however they want.

Regardless, I'm super excited after completing the first test run, and looking forward to the next few I have lined up.

If you're interested, I'll be able to start running this module in December and onward. I suppose I can craft a list of interested players, too. I highly recommend that anybody interested in this attempt to get a friend to join in, paying to play with strangers for several hours is a risky endeavor, but it is one that I'm willing to host.

Leave a comment or a note if you're interested.

Module Intro...

Mount Myre has sagged once more, the fourth time this moon; the Arcane Consortium can no longer obfuscate the issue and the peasants of Pearlescent Port have begun to notice the island's proud peaks have sunken into a concave crater of itself. They've taken to shamefully renaming the landmark: Mush Mountain and forming protest groups at the guild gates.

The wizards of the consortium have excused themselves of all fault and lay the blame on "mysterious emanations" within the mountain that the guild has ignored for...who knows how long? According to them they'd sent multiple scouts to go investigate, but none of them ever reported back.

It's now on your group to venture into Mush Mountain and get the peasants to shut up...err, stop the mountain from collapsing in on itself! The Arcane Consortium has outfitted you with gear and sent you into the mountains with a guide to lead you to Mush Mountain's mouth.


 Alephgon &  Brakkwani duo
 Shiroshark1 &  Aero_Osprey
 Alephgon &  Flatbird
 Sleeplessenterprise,  anothercreature , &  Velo423

Last year I asked that everybody please continue to feel awkward ambivalence about my continued existence.

But between now and last year I proclaimed that I'm finally cool, you can like me and it'll be ok.

Sigh, so I can't be too stupid about this.


Anyway, it's my birthday, please continue to ambivalently like my awkwardly continued existence.

Hey howdy folks, I've been hard at work on a homebrew module to be run in FoundryVTT using D&D 5e. It's currently being tested with a party of 4 and a party of 2 before I tweak and adjust it, I might've made the module too big for a party of 4, so we'll see with this other test....

Anyway, it took me 2 straight weeks with little to no drawing involved during that, but it's essentially done. I only need to draw token art and splash art, and find some royalty free music to use. So here's the details:

Mush Mountain module includes
8 Maps (3 Battle Maps) to explore
Several Squish Inducing Traps & Antics to Avoid
Several Smush Seeking Hostiles to fight, seduce, or squoosh
And a handful of fun and flavorful NPCs to roleplay with.
Up to 6 hours of Dandy Tabletop Fun (Oh god please don't make it last more than 6 hours).

I still need to do a handful of extra preparation work outside of the actual module, like writing classes, backgrounds, and races into my Foundry system, and creating at least 9 character templates for players to use and adapt if they please.

PRICING...

Oh yeah, pricing is a thing. This is something I will figure out after my test runs, but I'm considering a flat rate to run the dungeon, depending on how long it takes, as well as throwing a very, very sketchy doodle of a toony scene from the adventure. That'd be neat and fair, I think. Really need to finish my test runs.

I got a job working at a donut shop, been trying to work at this place for a few months now, so yay. Glad I got the module mostly done before this happened! As a result, I don't know what my time availability going forward is looking like exactly, but once I finish my test runs and figure out the prices I'll post that here as well.


I'm aiming to develop this module, and a small visual guide for helping others learn how to quickly play D&D in Foundry for this module. I'd like to be able to give new players a chance to roleplay some Dandy Toons, too. We'll see if I'm a good enough DM to do that, let alone get paid for it.

Anyway, stay tooned.

Hey howdy. I friggin' LOVE roleplaying. I always have and always will. It dominated my interactions in the furry community early on, for better and perverse, that's just how powerful of a force it is!

I also love tabletop roleplaying, particularly D&D 5e, though I started out in 3.5e/pathfinder days over a decade ago. But I've never dared to combine toony roleplay and tabletop roleplaying...until now!

I've been told repeatedly that I'm a talented dungeon master, or as I call myself, Dimm Dumm Meister, and this year I've gotten back into fulfilling that role for my friends and experimenting with running a homebrew campaign. Toony antics being thrown in as a simple flavor of the roleplaying, rather than being a hard-mechanical function of the game system. Prone/Stunned/Paralyzed/Restrained all easily cover describing toony antics without changing the way everyone learns and plays the game, to put it simply. Running this game has been a terrible amount of fun.


And it has built in me a confidence that is daring to ask other toon furries out there a simple question...

I'm making a homebrew One-Shot D&D 5e campaign module and running it with toony gimmicks as part of the roleplay flavor for a light-hearted & adventure. I want to share toony roleplaying with folks as well as give them a great D&D experience, but my time is valuable.

If I sold seats to my D&D game for a single one-shot adventure, would anybody be interested?

The module is intended to be between 3 to 5 hours(Still have to run my tests on it). Roleplay is text-based, with voice calls being used to supplement communication between players, particularly during combat where all decisions are made via voice, but confirmed via text. The tone of the campaign is SFW & Light-hearted, meaning it will be toony and flirty at times, but it will not be involving roleplaying kinky or erotic scenarios between players & NPCs.

I'm not sure of the price quite yet, since I really want to run my tests and tweak the game before selling seats, but I'm very interested to know if anybody would be willing to pay for such an experience.

I've decided to start being cool. You can start liking me now, sorry for the long wait.

Also find me on Bluesky.

https://bsky.app/profile/jardtoons....../3l5rvy4q5z72w

I can't post videos here.

https://bsky.app/profile/jardtoons....../3l4pnajit6b2k

Here's a compilation of all 25 pancakes Kinky received for the community. ^^

https://t.me/JARDToons

I gotta remember to like, post stuff to this though. I'll try. I'll post App's stuff there, too, but he doesn't have a telegram account yet.

https://bsky.app/profile/jardtoons....../3l4pnajit6b2k

For my stoaty's Marten, Gapp. Go get crushed if ya wanna, I dunno.

S'gonna be a little moment until I release a YCH again. Not until the end of this month, or beginning of next.

4 years ago I asked a stoaty for the privilege of getting to discover who he really was as a person, and in return I offered him myself and my heart. My life and who I am as a person has been radically changed in the experiences that followed after. And now when I look back on my life and my folly, I genuinely laugh at the pain and hardship as much as I've cried at it.

So much of my life has become a genuine dream come true, getting to care for a home and pets, cook meals, and spend my time making art and talking about it. And what I've learned the most above all since growing love with my stoaty is: Loving people help us learn what things in life we want to focus on and live for.

My familial relationships are spiritually bankrupt, to put it briefly, and the madness that came from being born and growing in such a poor environment sincerely twisted the way I saw not only the world, but my own sense of desire. The world was a playground where I needed to find things that made me feel good is the warped lesson I'd learned from that world.

But growing sincere, honest and loving relationships over a long period of time has helped me unlearn that twisted teaching. The world isn't a playground for seeking thrills and fun with people being its toys. The world, and the people within it are there to help me discover the things about life I actually enjoy living for. And focusing on paying attention to that feeling of what inspires a love for life is such a better thing to have learned to focus on, than how I want the world to thrill me.

Appreciate the ways people make you love life, and love them, and yourself for it. Always try to be mindful of what you love.

Thank you, App.

Hey guys remember this?

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/55575058/

I promised to open for more slots of these before going on an artistic adventure for nearly half a year....Soo uhhhh. Anybody want to get stomped?

All of my previous YCHs for this will be moved to my  Idun account, since some are smutty, and round 3 and other pornographic YCHs will be made available there in the future as well.

Send me a note if you're interested.

Howdy folks! It's me, Jaydii Dingo, Myehkobold. And I'd like to share some more thorough thoughts with you, because as I'm becoming incredibly aware of my mental health, and the possible tremendous lack of it I've become a lot more mindful of my desire to articulate my experiences online as a kink artist and as a troubled person, in the hopes that others may find it helpful and resonant, if not at least interesting. There's also a few things I'd like to ask. This has been my preamble. Myehkobold~.

Please do not pity me for anything I share here. I do this with joyous and curious intent.

Genuinely, I've got smut on the mind. Because, asexuality ignored, I'm a kinkomancer through and through and I learned how to twist and tease kinky concepts in my ritualistic practice of the craft. So I've got a question I'd like to ask!

"How do you see and feel about your relationship with porn/kinks and the artists who participate in them?"

To answer it myself: I've personally come to view kinks and sexuality as inescapably tremendous and positive aspects of exploring the self, and as a curiously powerful force within the creative realm. They move through people and some folks just get whisked away into the sky by these ideas and relationships and it's always magical; sometimes it's a bad nightmare time, or meaningless fun, and others it's a weirdly beautiful experience, but these forces change people when they're brought together by them I think. And there's alot to appreciate and take caution of in that, I believe. My life has been radically changed multiple times by my time playing with these concepts and imagery, and I can't help but love them for their role in our experiences, even for all the discomfort and sadness it's played a part in through my life.

...I'm a proud kinkomancer...But not as proud as I once was looking back on my kinky smut?

A few years ago I started clinging to a concept I'd organized for myself, to help regulate my spiraling, deteriorating emotional state. And that concept was: I stole all of my porn back from the world and withdrew my personal involvement in sharing it publicly, and I'm genuinely happier and better for it. And that was thankfully very true for myself and exactly what I'd needed at that time. (Thank you everyone who stuck around through all the times I stole stuff back <3 I'm such a dimmer.)

My personal journey through my sexuality is intrinsically linked with the art I've drawn across all of my life, and the things I put in my art are the genuine concepts that inhabit my soul and integrate into my sense of self. In the past being unaware of the nature of how I processed ideas through my art lead to extreme and unusual levels of stress and confusion when playing with sexual concepts; especially with others.

This was made even more difficult and awkward of a personal process when weighed against the boiling and growing joys, heat, and pressure of receiving even greater attention and money. Thrill and elation drove me onward while I was unaware I was too anxious and uncertain to give myself direction; so I span out and spiraled each time I hit a bump, hurting others, and myself.

Incredible personal naivety had me crashing in a direction I apparently didn't even care to look forward to, because my focus on positive responses/attention I was receiving, and my focus on reproducing and/or escalating kinky/cheap thrills blinded me to my sensibilities. I stomped all over how I was feeling(and the feelings of others). I ignored how I felt about what I was doing by focusing on exploiting pornography as a tool, both socially and physiologically. Ultimately that lead to a mental crack and a skewed, distorted relationship with smut and a warped perspective towards it as an artist, not to mention the strain and ruin on relationships it helped play a role in because of my obsessive, misguided use of it.

Eventually I'd reached a point where sexual themes and kink themes dominated nearly all of my art and relationships and then there was absolutely no escaping the unhappiness I'd clearly gone out of my way to create for myself. I'd ignored how much I didn't want the things I was working for so so so much longer than I care to share...

And then I took extreme measures to steal my art away again, only not because I was in the middle of a raging and sad panic attack, but because I'd been drowning in myself for years, being an awkward pain all around to others and then very slowly taking it out on myself, like sitting under a very slow piston and trying to make sure all my friends who stuck around me got squashed by it with me. Really stupid behaviour, emotionally.

After deleting my gallery AGAIN I began to restructure points and facets in my life, reprioritizing things that were tangibly meaningful to my mind. I clung to the people whom I couldn't convince myself of their lack of care for me, whose interactions with me spread beyond sexual impulse, kink themes, and blush inducing banter.

Years later, I can say through tears of joy that I'm surrounded by some of the best friends I couldn't have imagined having, with so many playful pals and amazing artists in my life, all of whom I've been able to establish interactions with outside of my old obsessive kink patterns. And through that time restructuring myself and then slowly re-exploring myself I was able to discover that I'm a handful of things I'd never expected to identify as.

Being surrounded by a multitude of people whose interests and perspectives varied wildly, but who I could also still be a friendly little furry with, enabled me to see past my obsessions and discover the corners, colours and facets of my soul, and standing where I am today it's as amusing as it is beautifully sad to understand how easily my weaknesses got in the way of those discoveries...and a melancholic confidence to know that with my mindfulness of it now, that weakness will be easier to manage going forward.

I'm a non-binary, man/stoat-loving demisexual ace. Happy pride month, I think!

(and I'm autistic, but I've known that for a decade and hid it in my shame)

Becoming mindful and aware of the nature of myself and being able to articulate the patterns of my desires and impulses...being able to map and understand the way I behave and then name it genuinely made a significant difference in improving the way I explore my understanding of myself. It made me more aware of the ways I love, the ways I hurt myself and others, and the ways I see and build connections with ideas and people. Being aware of this certainly made more deeply aware of the reasons how and why I would previously get so anxiously uncomfortable around sexual concepts and kinks when with people sometimes.

And on a silly note, I genuinely think it made me more artistically inspired/driven. Articulating the experience was like...building a road to the idea. Thoughts travel easier and more swiftly to and away from that concept/emotion/experience.

Being aware of myself, and being surrounded by a wider group of friends grew around me the social structures and boundaries around sexual concepts and feelings that I was missing and couldn't create on my own, and now that I am going forward in life with these blessed people and healthy structures around myself and my art...

I find myself having a genuinely smutty mind again. My extraordinarily strict boundaries are relaxing slightly, and there's a sincere impulse to share more smut again...

But I genuinely don't want to be known for it. And I don't think I'll be posting it here! I don't want to hide my porn, I'm not ashamed of it, except for like 2 or 3 specific pieces. I just genuinely could not handle the emotional and mental strain of what I was doing with it during the time of my life where I was obsessed with it. But I'd like to look back on it with indulgence, now that I feel as though I've grown enough to handle it.

Because I'm proud of my weirdness, and proud of sticking to art despite how poorly I handled it at times. Art means the world to me, and kinks and sexuality aren't any less a part of the human impulse and soul. And I now believe I understand better just how powerfully these forces move others now, from my aloof, disjointed asexual and autistic balcony. They are a joy I used to delight in delivering to others, and they are a joy I'm tempted to titillate toons with again now that I'm equipped with better mental tools and boundaries, and especially now that I know how to healthily rely on good friends.

But again, I won't be posting porn here anymore. I'll be posting it to my old, second FA account,  Idun.

Damn...And I just beat my watcher count there, too. I'm not going to re-upload everything, only the stuff that I think is really good or that I like, or haven't shared. If you commissioned me in the past and would like to see your commission uploaded there, please contact me. I might've forgotten your commission exists because I lost it.

This separation should be good and fun for everyone! So remember, if you see toony porn that looks like my art...

I done didn't do it.  Idun did it.

I have completed the first round of experiments, and the results are in: I have poor inhibition control when it comes to creative whims. And I do a lot of whimming when I'm drawing.

Thanks everyone for participating. Next round of commissions will have a little more structure in both how I take the commission ideas. As well as a little more structure in the pricing and scale of the commissions.

I also think Kincorax had alot of fun, and that it would be fun to offer up comic commissions involving him explicitly being a playful, kinky bastard. My toony ideas get their weirdest and wildest when I'm drawing Kinky, and I think it would be fun to continue exploring that.

So next time I open up(after I complete my YCH project) I'll be taking slightly more structured PWYW commissions. The minimum buy-in price is going to be considerably higher than $3, and I'll try to offer at least two different scales of commission complexity and pricing.

If you got a PWYW commission from me last round, your chances of having your commission idea picked next round are reduced. I wish to spread the art around.

I ended this journal with the expression of how afraid I am. Much of that journal was an exploration of fear and anxiety towards being a public figure in any capacity, even one as trivial as artist and entertainer.

I just want to say, now that I'm a thirds of the way into this year, and still going strong on pushing myself to be more social, express more gratitude, and share more joy.


I'm still terrified and afraid of people. But I think I've discovered, despite everything I've been, done, and said in my life....I think I've discovered I actually like people?

And I spend alot of time hurting my head over the idea: "I could've discovered this so long ago, and just been a better person, more of myself, this entire time?"

And no...I couldn't have. I needed years of experience managing relationships more seriously and putting more thought and care into how i engage with others and by paying so much more attention to just what people seem to want out of me and what I feel like I want to give to or share with them, or encourage.

I needed time with folks who I'd recognized helped to encourage and bring out things about myself that made me enjoy life, but that I was completely unpracticed in sharing with others. I needed time away from folks who I'd recognized had more intentions for my skills and abilities than they had thoughts and feelings for me as a person. I needed to talk with more people and actually learn more about how they see the world, and all the minutiae of interpersonal interactions.

People are genuinely inspiring, weird, and/or absurd joys worth being grateful for, even in all their ignorance, naivety, and stupidity. I think I like them, despite our innately flawed nature.

Made you look.

I lied, please forgive me.

I've decided that I will advertise my non-kink art, drawn under my alias Volumbran.

https://www.furaffinity.net/user/volumbran/


If you like seeing Sabba, Kinky, Rezni, and Zen, they will primarily be found being drawn under my Volumbran alias. The art there is extremely personal, and almost entirely for the sake of my soul, and/or to experiment with story-telling.

This doesn't mean productivity as TantricToons/half of JARD Toons is going to slow down. I've been managing drawing art for Volumbran while drawing my toony stuff for the last half a year.(Alot of it isn't uploaded).

I just want to share my art with more folks, and hope that it gives them joy, insight, or something worth thinking about.

https://www.furaffinity.net/user/volumbran/

I'm sick. Myeehhhkobold this sucks. Been forever since I was sick.

Drawing is slowing to a stop for a bit. For YCH invoices, those will be sent out and work continued once I've recovered enough.

In the meantime, I request everyone else flatten a toon once a day. Or more. Or multiple toons, more than once a day. Thanks.

Experiments are full

Aggron - Done
Catcatcat - Done
Pozzo - Done
Dreadbreadcorn
animeking
Polarisbot


Howdy everyone, I'm going to be experimenting with PYWY(Pay what you want) commissions. Entry fee is $3, at least pay me $3.

Here's the deal:
Send me a note and include your character reference(s).
Tell me the idea(s) you want with what expressions.(References are a plus, even if they're stick figures you drew!)
Ask me any questions you have for me.
I'll draw, then send you my paypal address and the picture, then you send payment.

I will respond, having drawn one, some, or all of the ideas, and send you an invoice for you to pay. Or I'll simply say "Those aren't things I'd like to draw, I'm sorry."

How much quality and work I'm willing to invest into any single drawing is something that can be discussed during or before the work, but I ultimately get to choose when I'm done with a drawing. PWYW seems like a fair trade for Draw How I Want, with this looser, nebulous structure.

I also will probably stream myself drawing every single commission, unless you explicitly ask me to keep it private. Commissions might not be posted to this account, depending on what they are.

Restrictions:
No children. You can't BE a child, you have to be an adult to commission me, and none of your OCs can be children. Obviously.
No smut. I'm not drawing dongs or chest blobs for you, or crotch canyons. None of that. Bulges at best. Null if you're even better than best.
No bodily fluids unless you're crying or bleeding, or a slimy/goo thing.
You must own the OCs you use, or also give me proof of permission from the owner.
MAYBE I'll do fanart(of anthro men)? I really don't know, it depends on who you ask for and of what. So try me, and sorry if you try me and I go all Ivo Robotnik with a big fat"NO".
I can say no for any reason, or none at all. If I do, sorry that we find ourselves in that position.

If you send me a note and I have not read it yet, it means I'm working on the current commission, or that I'm forgetful.

Shotgun blast me with your ideas if you don't want to choose one. You could even just tell me to do `something toony` or `with paws/mallets` with your character and see what comes out of it. If you're unsure, just ask me questions and I'll answer.