Here I am a year later, feels like not a lot has changed as I sit alone programming at home. A year ago I lost all the things I cared about, I tried hard to regain it and yet something was always missing...

Another year, another quiet lonely week. Funny how it is, I was wished happiness, to find happiness, and yet here I am still alone...


I still miss you, and I don't know why you called, but I want to talk.

Netflix got another good anime that I've started watching that definitely resonates with me in some ways.

Explores the ideas of love from the perspective of one who doesn't understand it in a very slice of life sort of way, beautifully animated as well.

Take some time, watch it, Violet Evergarden.


I miss those I loved, never stop caring and loving.

I find myself staying up later and later, letting my mind just swim while watching anime...

Finished up the Aico Incarnation on netflix, definitely recommend it...


I wish I could just sleep, but instead I'm greeted with dreams. I wish I could just rest and for once not be tired.

I sit at home, programming... Quietly working through my list, and like always the music continues roll through my ear-phones.

How the music can't help but find way to make any sense of freedom from my emotions and shatter it I don't understand.


Zack Hemsey seems to be the flavor as of late:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4J.....=RDdUOyB4raGLU

Today I had to talk to a friend of the family... his wife of forty years passed away after battling cancer for four years. He was my father's best man, and a friend of the family though after moving I was always distant we would also be friendly at Christmas when we would meet up, talk etc.

I called him like my dad asked me too, to check up on him. I could hear it through the phone... the loss, his voice quivered, he seemed old, tired... this was not the happy laughing fellow I saw at Christmas this year. I'm not good at cheering people up, maybe I'm to blunt, or maybe it's just that my emotions are too deadened as of late, rationally he lived a long life, he got to spend forty years with a woman he loved... I was envious as he said those words.

Talking to this man about his wife, about how long and happy he got to spend of a life with her, it took a lot out of me today... I wish I got to spend that much time with someone I love... I wish I hadn't lost the girl I love.

Welp, back to the unemployment line... Company I was working for decided I wasn't exactly what they were looking for. Not negative, but still let go...

Guess I have all the time in the world again.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=62s1zivwCaw

Was listening to my new favorite artist's older album... This song... Such a strong song.

It conveys a lot... how I felt, how I feel, how I am...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrKnM23Y-7s

Though I regularly look back and my heart aches with love... I Keep walking forward alone. How I long to simply have another paw to hold.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=05v4nfUmBYI

It's been about a month since I posted a journal... my life has been very different. Nearly 30 lbs lighter than I was through a change in diet that has taken me from feeling hungry to skipping meals and generally enjoying the food I eat even more, to studying my stoic readings everyday.

I wanted to examine what it means to differentiate between what is important in this world and what is not, as my readings have taught me. Though I still have my moments of annoyance with things I've learned to let go of the problems in life, people who are foolish and things I can't control. I've come to accept that I am master of my own life and absolutely no one has power over me, and likewise I have power over no one else, this is as it should be. I've made new friends, joined an amazing community of people and have separated from things that were negative in my life. Slowly I worked through my problems and after a long several months I finally feel happy, almost zen-like in my calm and yet overjoyed and excited by the things and people I do pursue.

One thing I have learned to do again was to focus on what is truly important in my life. When I was at my worst I lost track of everything, I worried so much about things I couldn't control and I lost sight of what should of had my focus. I also accepted pains from others because I cared about them and was willing to give, to absorb the blows in hopes that things would get better. Today my focus is utter, I'm aware of two beautiful things in my life that draw me, and with utter focus I pursue those things. I'm happy and content, and each day I contemplate the words in my books, I write, I deal with the anxious feelings of want and excitement I feel during my boring time at work.

I am focused... I will achieve what I desire, through learning, through strength and stability, through stamina, patience, and grit.
I made my choices, now let's see where the path leads.

While reading another chapter in the enchridion, "How may a man preserve his proper character upon any occasion"

I found this:

The student asks:
How, then, shall each of us become aware of what is appropriate to his own proper character?

In reply:
How comes it, replied he, that when a lion charges, the bull alone is aware of his own prowess and rushes forward to defend the whole herd. Or is it clear that with the possession of prowess comes immediately the consciousness of it also?

Yet a bull does not become a bull all at once, any more than a man becomes noble, lest a man must undergo a winter training. He must prepare himself and must not plunge recklessly into what is inappropriate for him.


The line made me smile but also recognize that life has hardship, and that it's necessary to progress and growth. The last year was a winter training and I came out hurting, but I keep walking forward. I miss the core parts of my life that I lost, but I just keep walking forward looking at the new, finding news joys and new opportunities. I'm better for it.

The movie Baby Driver was wonderful. An excellent mix of action, personality, and music.

Best part, he got the girl. When a movie is so driving that I feel in-tune with the kid in the movie, so in tune that I see the love story in the actions, it's so very powerful.


Go see this movie.

Was listening to music while working from home this evening... I heard this... it inspired emotions but I didn't cry this time...

Powerful song... I'm growing stronger... Why my heart feels so weak I don't know... I'll be okay...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VgaEXGehDw

Today I read distinctly over the first section of the Enchridion of Epictetus... There were some things that in particular felt important and so I took them as notes:

- As was fitting, therefore, the gods(*1) have put under our control only the most excellent faculty of all and that which dominates the rest, namely, the power to make the correct use of external impressions, but all the others they have not put under our control.
-> This faculty of choice and refusal, of desire and aversion, or in a word, the faculty which makes use of external impressions.

-We must make the best of what is under our control, and take the rest as its nature is.
-> How, then, is its nature? As god(*1) wills.

- The point of the retort lies in the defiance of the officious but all-powerful "freedman"
->"If I wish anything, I will speak to your master."

- My Moral purpose not even Zeus himself has the power to overcome.
-> In response to a man threatening to fetter (to chain) him, he responds to fetter him, but...


Sub-note: I am not a religious person, I've build my own belief on my own life experiences but... stoicism views god, gods, the world as a construct. That is to say, nature itself. Perhaps the better use would be to say, The world, or the japanese word for many gods of the world, the Kami. Perhaps to think instead that the world as a whole is a living breathing thing and as we live we align with it's nature, this term is Logos. Logos being "The divine word of god" among Christian, but among the greeks, it had a different meaning:
- The divine reason implicit in the cosmos, ordering it and giving it form and meaning.

I tried my hardest to be good, to give affection and attention, I tried my hardest and now I'm alone... IS this what it means to be free?

I committed to another, for three years of good bad and ugly, and I loved it, I loved being committed, even though I never got it back... now I wish I could just talk and I can't... Is this what it means to be free?

What good was all of this... What good was any of this? What good is being free when I'm a slave to a mind that has no answers and hurts... What good is being free?


I'm tired and alone... I'm sorry for my Failures... But I don't know who I am anymore...

Three card pull...

Death/Transformation
The Devil/Temptation
The Moon/Illusion


All of it points towards change, uncertainty and things in my life that needed change. I miss the one I love...

I'm tired of it all really...

Yesterday I had an emotional breakdown/panic attack at work, I instantly saw my life before me, feeling lost and alone, surrounded by people at work who don't care about me a bit. I hate my job, I feel lost and constantly reminded of how my job a year ago took everything from me in a cascading fall. The loss of Sabiru my dog, took a huge toll on me, and while I'm watching over a new dog now he brings me a lot of stress with constantly doing business in the kitchen. I'm exhausted and tired, possibly sick now, with what feels like a fever and body aches.

Yesterday my breakdown draw me to search the internet vainly for answers, I came upon an old topic I once knew, Stoicism. I realize I didn't actually know it, I simply sought to call myself a stoic in some attempt to appear cool while brushing off emotions that normally affected me. I wasn't cool, I was a nerd and eventually after several relationships I realized I was full of emotion, the relationships left me hurt. Losing the girl I love recently, it's taken everything out of me, I feel like a zombie cow clopping through life at a slow ponderous pace constantly assaulted by emotions, fear, pain, sorrow, hurt, love, yearning. I miss the girl who brought calm to my life... but I know she probably will never talk to me again.

Today I spent more time at work reading, stoicism... Marcus Aurelius... I felt sick today, my muscles in pain like I had worked out but I hadn't... Keto flu? I don't know...

I'm gonna spend some time reading Marcus Aurelius' Meditations... and order a copy of Epictetus' Enchridion. I hope that learning what it means to be a stoic for these ancient men who held such wisdom will help me... Today I was mindful of things, when I got upset I spoke to myself internally that there is nothing to these feelings, that I'm allowed to have them, let them wash over me and past me and not effect me. I yearned for someone I love with all my heart, but is outside my world. I have never had any control outside of myself, I always knew that but failed to control emotions that constantly barrage me. I can only hope that things change, but in my heart I know that I love the girl who left me. I know that what I am doing now, is not what I was meant to do and need to change that.

I don't know where I'm going but I'm hoping I wish to find out soon.

I grew up hearing this story, I loved it. It was everything I aspired to be in terms of my life, gentle, life loving, caring, and unwilling to hurt others.

I know this may never reach you... but I wish beyond everything I could watch this with you Tigerlily... I miss you so...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jyJgGsZo2wA

Fate has a funny way of kicking you when you are down... when something good comes along it never lasts long...

O Fortuna, why do you curse me so... I am neither strong, nor rich, nor young... You've already taken my heart from me... Just when I start to see something that makes me happy you take it again...


Sine Mora... All I can do is keep living my life til the sand runs out.

Today I meet and took home a new dog. His name is Myles, he's abused and neglected and I need to teach him to trust.

Got my first wound, a fang deep into the palm of my hand... Seems even just getting him on the leash will be a chore. He's sweet, but not a shiba, at least not totally. I think corgi or sheppard mix with shiba maybe.

I'm not sure how I feel just yet, but he's sleeping in Sabi's old bed panting, I hope he calms down soon. All I can do is giving him lots of loves I guess and teach him the basics like harness use and get him back in line. Teaching trust, I don't know if that will be as easy. Hope he doesn't eat all my things -..-

Either way lets see how today/tonight goes and I'll have to dog proof the house a bit.

I gave you everything...

I gave you my life for three years, my dedication even though you never gave me yours.
I poured my heart and emotions into trying to figure out your problems, and even when my own stability failed I kept trying because I loved you.
I lost myself, I lost myself in a story of love that I wanted more than anything to come true because I truly love you with all my heart.
I lost my job and the stability that came with it.
I lost my dog, and the last pillar of loneliness beside my time with you.
I poured my effort into everything I loved, and found myself empty.


I know you don't see it... I know you may believe that I used you, I manipulated you, or lied or cheated on you. The worst part in my heart is I didn't... foolish, stupid, stubborn, frustrated, yes even angry, but I never once sought to harm you, because to me that was anathema to what I wished, one true chance to be with you.


I see now the failure in giving myself over to someone who refused to do the same. Who was so blinded by paranoia that she can't see the heart that was rended by pain had no room for anyone else nor the energy to be with anyone else because it poured everything it had into trying to stop the final pillar of his life from falling... You. You don't see it, and it's sorrowful, I howl in my room in pain because no matter what I did, I couldn't get you to see it.


So I say goodbye... I'm done with looking outward trying with all my heart to work through something with no meaning, to fight pain instilled in me without purpose, and fighting an image that you sought to imprint on me, but isn't true for a reason I can't understand. He won't change, and the fact that you now put yourself in the arms of someone else is proof of it, but instead of seeing the worth in us, you simply pointed and painted a lie that lets you deal with the pain, ignoring the truth that I am alone, and you are not. I still love you with all my heart, but there is nothing left to bare it anymore...


I don't know where I'm going anymore... but I'll find it... I wish for just once, you could see how I see you through my eyes... Beautiful beyond words, the woman who I loved more than everything else, and some part of me will always love you, no matter how much it hurts. Maybe you would then see the truth. I love you Sweet Tigerlily... I'll always be under the tree... Remembering what could of been, what could be.

~Your Bull

My Online therapist says that our emotions can help guide us to figure out what we need as a person, I showed her my journal and she saw grief and pain, she said that emotions simply seek to end the pain, but I don't understand as my emotions simply drive me to it. I read at lunch, this morning when I woke up at 5am, even when I wasn't supposed to at work.

I scribbled notes, thoughts, images into my notebook... Today was to much for me... I cried in my car at lunch in frustration... the whole way home. Who am I ... I don't know who I am anymore...


I tried looking up what a Taurus is... http://www.astrology-zodiac-signs.c.....-signs/taurus/
- Strengths: Reliable, patient, practical, devoted, responsible, stable
- Weaknesses: Stubborn, possessive, uncompromising
- Taurus likes: Gardening, cooking, music, romance, high quality clothes, working with hands
- Taurus dislikes: Sudden changes, complications, insecurity of any kind, synthetic fabrics


I read page after page about them... I cried because I thought I was these things, I cried because I read about how insecurity, loss of stability, pain and hurt can drive a Taurus to instability and fear. I realize in my reading how much I hurt, how badly losing my job, losing Sabi, how it destroyed who I was. I was loyal, I was dedicated and I tried, it was all I had all I gave. When I was hurting I found stability in my projects, I found something I could focus on intently to bring me peace in my life. You also brought peace to my life, you cared for me, loved me when I didn't even love myself. I just want you back, I was dedicated to you, even with all the fear of abandonment hovering around me. I didn't want you to leave... I didn't know what to do when you got upset... I would rather be hurt myself than see you hurt.


I scribbled in my note book thoughts... about the pain, about the hurt... about what I was sorry for...

I'm sorry that I let my burdens rule who I was like atlas bearing an impossibly heavy stone, unable to give you the love I wanted to give you because of that burden.
I'm sorry I could never be enough to fix the hurt in your heart, that our situation was never enough to satisfy either of us.
I'm sorry that my heart ached and my mind couldn't focus from the whispers and pain of all the snakes that circled my head... Like a Gorgon with a hair of venom and scale I covered my eyes out of fear, anxiety, loneliness, hatred, anger, insecurity, abandonment, doubt, and before I could realize it, I opened my eyes and I was stone, petrified by my own reflection and hating myself for everything that happened. Hating myself for losing a job that I needed to take care for you, hating myself for Sabi's death, hating myself for hurting you and not knowing how to fix it, or how to show you the truth and have you believe it... I hated myself, so how could anyone else love me...


I see where I want to be, I see who I love and what I cherished melting before my eyes, I don't know how to fix any of it... I sit here weeping as I write this, wanting to talk to you, to fix this. I've given up on having dinners, just some nuts and fruit and a glass of beer is all I can manage. I get the monk brew from the local brewery... my nights are spent filled with reflection, reading, tears and sorrowful searching...

I'm sorry that when I lost my stability I harmed you with my choices. I'm sorry that my ADHD caused me to focus intently on a project that challenged me and silenced all those pains, that made me feel accomplished, that I thought you would be proud of. I'm sorry that with all the emotions behind my eyes I spoke poorly and with anger, or words that hurt you. I never meant to cause you any pain, but all I knew in my head was constant anxiety, and fear, and each time you stepped away I shook with the only thing I knew, abandonment. I know you loved me, I know you cared, I know you saw good and I know I was happy with you, you brought stability to me when you were near. I wish I could show you how I saw you, I wish you could see to clear all the fears and hatred you have. I don't know how to accomplish that, and the anxiety, fear, pain is unbearable some days.

I don't know if you even read this anymore... but I love you... I'm sorry that all the events that happened destroyed who I was... I'm trying to fix it, but I don't know how exactly...


I don't know who I am... I wish I knew who I am... I wish looking into the mirror didn't bring me to tears, I wish all of this didn't paralyze me and turn me to stone. I wish my dreams weren't plagued by fear and doubt, recurring nightmares of losing you and Sabi. I wish work brought me joy, or even just comfort, but all it does is remind me of the past, fear, hatred, anger and sorrow, just like the last job.


I'm taking steps, taking small even minuscule steps to reach stability, to never have another job take from me my passions, my ability to protect and take care of those I care about, to take my confidence and my heart from me, to drive snakes into my head that hiss and whisper everything that destroyed me. Each step is like a hammer blow to me, it takes everything out of me and drives me to pain and tears. Every step I take to move forward is meet with resistance and struggle, I don't know I ever did this, but I know I need to rebuild who I am if there is any chance of us again.


I love you Tiger... Please forgive me... Because I can't forgive myself... I hate myself for hurting you... and I don't even know who I am... *weeps*


Add more to the fire... Shiba inu rescue wants me to foster a dog, I'm afraid I'm tired, I don't want anyone else hurt... I don't know what to do...

I wish this pain would end, but it doesn't. It just continues on like a wasteland stretched before me... I'm so tired of walking...

Please come back...

The nights grow more and more lonely without you... I don't understand why you talk with me then push me away. All I can think of is that you still have feelings for me... Please, come back, talk with me. I still want a chance with you... I still love you.

*curls up and stares at the screen* All I do is stare at my screen, play games, watch the clock tick by... I miss you so...

Please come back to me Tiger.