Seems I can't go a day without a new song bubbling to the surface and shattering me...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrRrqzaBFzk

I spent the day weaving between a panic attack and trying, striving, urging, messaging others trying to find a way to fix everything broken inside me. I drive around before I get home looking at industrial parks for a small hole in the wall that I can keep my dieing fire. To big, to expensive, not even sure what I'm looking for, where do I go, what am I looking for. I shake and sob in my car unsure what to do... I shake it off and drive home. Every night I come home... I drop my bag by the door, I look around my house and shiver... 65 degrees, I keep it cold to numb myself. I trudge through my house, I eat a few bites of food brought to me by the person I love more than anything, I wish it would last forever. I've been mostly skipping dinner, having a single glass of beer instead after working out like some kind of monk.

I spoke to so many people today, the man who helped me build my forge, who told me there isn't any money in the craft that I've grown to love, but there is joy and happiness. Another, down by my parents, he works full time to feed the craft, they both encourage me to keep moving forward... I can't keep working this job forever, this career has taken everything from my life, I hate it. What do I do... How do I get to where I want to be, I don't even know entirely where I want to be. Raige keeps telling me to take little steps, but I keep stumbling everyday. There's no joy in this when all the things that stoked my flame are gone... I stare at the screen in the dark trying to will myself to push forward.

I reflect on my life like some unstoppable force of a world, like a realm of darkness and I'm the soul that has to live there constantly trying to turn over a flame that doesn't want to light. I practically sleep on the purple mound of blankets and pillows in my living room... I wake up every night, or in the morning and sit on my bed, I stare at the things that brought me such joy, they still do but they tinge with sadness. I want the girl I love back... I want her back more than anything. I hug those belongings to my heart and and stand up pushing through day after day. When I work out, I fight myself, when I enter a world of color and darkness I'm assaulted like a reflection of my life, I fight back, I try... but sometimes it's to much for me, sometimes the orbs assault me and I lower my arms, just taking it. I reflect on my life and hit the restart button again and again until I get the song done right...

But there are some songs, some pieces I play over and over again... They bring me to hurt, they bring me to pain, they bring me to sadness and frustration, I have to fight off every urge to rip my headset off and throw it across the room. I roar out in pain, tears stream down my face soaking the pads of the headset to my face, right through, down my cheek. I fight begging, please come back, I don't know what to do, I can't bare this, and before long I'm on the floor as the final vestiges of sound die, weeping, shaking, uncertain of everything in my life. I know a few things in my life, a few things I'm certain about... I know I loved Sabi, I know I love the peace and calm of working at my forge, and I know I love you with all my heart.


I don't know how to get to where I want to be, I don't know how to stop the strings of my heart plucked by fate from aching, I wish I knew how to stop this pain, but the very same flame I can't light burns so brightly I can't bare it in my heart, it incinerates me and I wish it could consume me, I wish this void left surrounding my heart would refill, would heal... I don't know how... I wish I knew how to mold this molten pain into something... I just don't know how... I'm scared, I'm tired... I'm cinders, I'm ash...


I can't stop crying... Please make it stop...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uU3YvYqFdAQ

Come home to a lovely message... someone bitched to the HOA about my blacksmithing, calling it a fire hazard... lovely...

Guess I'll have to find some alternative... I don't know... this was something that kept me going...

I'm so tired of just one kick to the gut after another...

The words sit like ash in my forge, grey, dieing cinders in my heart. Another year and I'm alone... I put all my hope and love into wanting to be a mate... I don't know what else to do.

I went to work, I didn't want to be there, everything inside me screams to run and leave, I hate this.

I don't know how to show you, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say or be.


*weeps* I keep trying to turn over my fire, add more fuel, more air... it never burns... I've lost the spark that kept my flame churning. Just an empty thing questioning everything about my life... There's no joy in this "freedom"... There's no happiness in this loss... There's nothing but grey ash...


I don't know how to start the fire again... I don't know how...

I don't understand the point of all this... I wish to talk to you, but I don't understand what to do...

All I can do is quietly sit here. I still love you, but I have no choices in this.

You know how to reach me, just please know that I never used you or manipulated you... I don't have anymore energy, I'm so very empty.

Please come back... I don't know how to convince you of all the things you can't see...

I never used you, or lied or manipulated you... Please come back and talk to me, I can see that you are hurting...

You know the truth of things... Please come back and talk to me...

Been playing a lot of audioshield, doing it every-day to try and lose weight and release all of my emotions...

Was looking some of the music that caught my heart, gunship being one... Each and every one of these videos is both classic in style and amazingly powerful.

They say more than I ever could about how I feel, how I long for the one I love to come back...


https://www.youtube.com/playlist?li.....9OYBqRh0BleT3y

Everyday I sit here, trying to eek out my existence, I play my video-games, I talk with people to try and get myself under control. I look at people in their face wearing a mask of calm, hiding the pain with laughter, looking to people's faces like I'm okay. I'm not... How could I be, how could any man who has felt the love of someone who he cherished so dearly be okay with watching it drift away, unrequited. Lovelorn, that's the word I have been called.

Everyday it's the simplest things, whether it be seeing my skype window, or looking at my wrist and seeing the bracelet that you gave me. I try not to look away, I stare at it tired and shaking, and like a searing poker I feel the air knocked out of my lungs, my knee's shake and grow weak, my hands shake, my heart races, tears well up in my eyes and my brain asks a thousand questions. Why weren't you good enough? Why does he get another chance? What was the meaning to this pain? What should you do now? What can you do now?

I scream in agony at all the questions I am barraged with daily, I scream in agony at every moment I sit alone in the cold desolate place where I held you, I loved you, I talked with you, I drank and ate with you, I fell asleep beside you. There is no peace in this, there is no joy in this, there is no laughter in feeling my days drift by interlaced like a tapestry with pain at the loss of the woman I love. I never wanted freedom, I wanted you, I wanted to be yours, to be your mate forever. I wanted to be held and loved by you, I wanted to be the thing that drew smiles to your face, to be the one that challenged you when you stalled, to pick you up when you fell, to pick up the slack when you were weak. I was your bull, and stoic or not, I was never confident or strong, I simply lived because I lived in your arms.

No longer does my skin bare your mark... No longer does my heart feel the warmth of your love... No longer do I see the world in color like I did with you in my life...


I'll be starting our birthday project soon. I'll pour all my pain and my anguish, into something loving, forged with heat from a fire to sear away my sorrow. I'll pour my heart out over the next month or so to make something beautiful, for us... Because at the end of the day I can't live without remembering, I can't live everyday without seeing what my heart remembers so clearly as love, however unrequited. Please my love, if you feel the same, look deep please... Know that everyday I love and long for you, know that you always have a place you can come be who you truly are, and where the beautiful flower that I cradled in my arms can blossom and be everything I grew to love and cherish. Please come back to me...

I saw this today... reminds me of us... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yl-TrEhLXRg
Another from today... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7xai5u_tnk

I finished my welding class today early, we got to do stick welding... it was fun while it lasted as I start work at my new company tomorrow.

I wish you were here to give me a hug and tell me it will be okay, I'm scared beyond belief. I miss you so, but I'll try to focus on work like you asked me to.

I love you my Tigress, not long till both our birthdays, I'm working on something beautiful.

Was a long weekend... Went to my LARP, had fun.

But it wasn't the same... I lost something between now and then... I had some fun here and there... But it's not the same...


*curls up* Wish this pain would end... I love you... Even though you may never read this, I love you.

Seems the only way to stop the pain of this is a glass full of alcohol...

I wish my nerves weren't like this... I miss the one I love...

At least this doppelbock is good... hopefully whatever monk created it will grant me some semblance of peace from imbibing it.


Hopefully I'll get to sleep without horrid dreams this weekend... so very tired.

Last time, I saved a turtle on a rainey day... Seems fate has a way of repeating...

Different day... Different turtle... Coming home from the local brewery...

This week has been infinitely hard, I yearn to see you, yearn to talk and miss you so. Either way... day by day... all I can do...

I lay here at night quietly wondering what else I can do... I just my mate back...

I have no choices... just quietly putting one hoof infront of the other as I walk into a world that is darker without her warmth. I'm sorry very tired, spending my weekends crying and lonely.

Please come back... Please my love come back to me -..-

What joy is there anymore... I've lost you again...

What joy is there anymore... Please come back... I can't stop this pain...

I can't stop crying... Please come back...

No matter how hot it is outside, nor whether I work on my forge I miss the warmth in my life...

I miss you my Tigress, I wish I could talk to you... There's nothing else I can do but keep walking forward but I keep looking back wanting you back.

*weeps* I love you...

http://asphodelon.com/post/88185785.....nger-of-spring

This brings me to tears... It feels the same... having to say goodbye, and each time wishing you back again...

You bring such warmth to my life... I miss you so...

I was given an offer letter today for a job... Trying to retain myself in the face of fear.

Gonna send my response tonight in the evening... I worry... I just want to see her, to hold her and tell her I love her.

So very tired...

I failed yesterday, my heart couldn't take any more, I couldn't not speak the words circling my head day after day...

Greeted with more Hatred, statements about how I lie and deceive... and worse... Why is this world so cruel...

*weeps*

Please, make this shaking stop... Make this pain stop...

I just want to see her... I just want to see her...

Interview today went well, it's with a company nearby. Stability, it's what I crave right now so that I can be the man I used to be. Before I left there was talk about expecting an offer letter.

I worry every day, I see the little notions, the messages we display quietly, messages without discourse, without response. I want to talk to you but I can't. Do you feel the same? I'm trying to stand by your request. But everyday I say the same thing, I love you, I scream it out from my porch, I whisper it in bed, I say it as I play games, as I weep as I laugh.

You are my spark, my flame, and each little push I make, each thing I cross off my board is a cinder in the air that sparks my flame. I love you with all my heart, I wish I could hold you again, I worry about if you are alright...

I'm here...

Everyday I fight life, step by step.

I want so much to reach out, but I can't... I'm trying with all my might to do what was asked and I cry every night yearning for us back.

I just keep walking but this desert is so desolate... all I can do is just keep walking...


I love you... I'm here and I still love you...

Driving home from the career center, realizing even if I take a free course in welding I'll make next to nothing in the career until I get certified and it's not really what I want to do... would just be training to add to my blacksmithing skills.

Tired, lonely, empty... I miss the girl I love, I miss stability, I miss having a passion in my life... I feel like a coal in my forge, hours after I stopped the blower... Just cooling with no purpose other than to burn out.

*weeps*

Guess I'll go make some of those coals now...

Each night I sit at my computer I wish for you back... Pandora constantly knows how to shatter me into feeling.

I remember all the nights, each and every moment without you. Each piece of art, each long call keeping us both up.

I love you...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBmNTLxclXE

This is beautiful... silly and beautiful...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uh4dTLJ9q9o

I wish you could see how I love you. I miss you everyday and I worry... I worry you will wither away doing what's right instead of what makes you happy.

I'll be here waiting my love.