God its so hard to describe all this as the thoughts rush through my head.

tl;dr

I had a mental awakening/healing/w.e today.

I've figured out that after I stopped being a people pleaser in 2017, I just kinda tunnel visioned my own interests instead and stopped doing much new and just, couldn't enjoy others kinks as much even though I get so happy when others are happy and stuff. But now I'm reaching a happy medium, and exploring so many new interests and being way more comfortable with playing with others the way they like it but not to the point of just being what they want. y'know?

Anyways, kinks I'm fine with (a few really into): Ask me about them too if you want! Ask me about yours!

Cartoonish/Overexaggerated (non-painful) biting/chewing. Big cheeks a plus <3
Exhibitionism, more than ever l3
Perma-TEASING (not actual)
Much more comfortable/liking snakes now owo
AV/Full Tour (clean)
Belches!
Transformation, me or others! Other forms/creatures, objects, body compositions... <3
Petplay l3 (oh yeah feral Emberflame is back, not the main though!)
PAWBS
Hypnosis <3
Licking... <3
Binding, trapping, pinning, ESPECIALLY WITH FLUFFY TAILS. Coils too <3 Bondage in general real good...
Role reversal~!
Size diff l3, macro/micro too. Or micro/macro... hehehe
Possessiveness <3
God, Aquaphilia. Submerged in liquids...
Maybe breathplay... Yeah, breathplay.
Sweat/musk is a toss up rn undecided, might be fine for close friends (actually i'm fine if its steamy.)
Powerplay 'w'
Playful bullying...
Pokephilia and the like, sapients only tho.
Could make a case for latex perhaps.
Fats fats fats <3 Feederism and all. Love you hun!
Considering dabbling in corruption...! Although the case of 'evil' isn't so much being mean or the like, but throwing away restraints and stuff l3
UB... yeah, i'm ok with it now.~
Gasplay! Yeah I know a couple i'd be fine doing that with l3
Ooooh, slime can be good.
Preg is unknown rn
Various traps or the like, quicksand, goo, all that stuff. Yeah sure!
Diaper stuff is a possibility. Not ABDL myself but I'm willing to experiment on a very casual level. Pampers and such l3
And CLOSE friends, may, in fact, call Emberflame mommy if they like. I may or may not reciprocate, still kinda touchy.
Mawplay!
Am ok with some degradation
Emeto is fine
Temp is good
Profile play teasing is really good, though i'm more inclined to have others do it for me-
Melty digestion is my fave- (DW I still love endo <3 Comfy! Temp/long-term also good- especially teasing-)
Absorption is mmmmph <3
also GOD i love meta elements in kink stuff <3 HUDs, hp bars, all of it. YES
Ya know what, hyper is ok.
Ahegao!? (it amuses me)
Food play gods yes
Flexibility...! ;3c (in body)
Inflation sure! Inflatables..!?
Tail pulling, on others really l3
T E E F, F A N G I E S
Femboys!? MAYBE
Rubbery latex...! Oh no I can hear the Changed coming
Lycanthropes of all kinds, yep yep yuep
Facesitting? absolutely
TIL TANTRIC SEX IS A THING AND YEEEEES
Dubcon is a maybe?
BAD ENDS YEAAAHH (some limitations apply, I'm not a complete sadist-)
I learned breast smothering is a thing, not the action i knew that. But the name of it. YEAH
Fearplay...
Feminization! GONNA MAKE YOU SO GIRLY <3!
Force feeding! C'MERE CHLOE
Testing objectification...
Powerbottoming is fun
Aftercare please <3
Collars maybe!
Bad type match ups in pokemon stuff <3
Xenos/aliens... (some anyway)
Undead 'w'
Humiliation play..........
Aphrodisiacs can be fun...
bellyaches <3
Ok thinking about Driders...


List will be updated as things come in! Also anything I was into before very much still applies!

Still no CV, just not my thing l3 I just don't like dicks in general tbh.
Not a fan of kink audio stuff.
No disposal please!
No pets in kink stuff, zoophilia or not. IRL pets explicitly. Non-sapients in fantasy also apply.
No watersports 'w'
Not into gore, or guro, or any of that!
Plz no younger characters/ageplay.



Update: I may as well list my usual stuff here for those who don't know all of it lol

Oral vore uwu
Endosama
Monsters...~!
Angels, demons, plants, ghosts, dragons, sphinxes, does, fae, humans,- its a lot ok.
TOON STUFF, GOD I LOVE CARTOONY SILLY STUFF
Comedy in kinky stuff
Chubby (not all fats before xd)
Plushies
Weight gain!
Other stuff i can't think of rn but probably already listed above-



Fuckin i need to get on FF14 and change my sign to Menphina's. Love!!!

I have embraced hedonism <3 My final mental hurdles are finally falling. <3 My soul feels resplendent!

"Ember WTF happened." There is very little holding me back now. God tried to chain me down and I can no longer be stopped.

I have chosen love. Happiness. Fun! This isn't to say I'll ask friends for things they don't like/want. This is just me being more open to these things or being into them now!

I shall become so snuggly for those who I'm really friends with <3

"Ember how can you do some of these-"

Illusions are a wonderful thing~ To make things feel so real even if its not. How dreamy!

Yes its gonna get religious. for clarification/tl;dr. I'm agnostic.

---

I grew up as a baptist Christian. Haven't followed it for years. Recently I realized I didn't believe in much of anything except agnosticism at a basic level.

But, after letting myself slide into the idea of Hedonism, I've found my faith again. But not in any Christian, Jewish, or other such god.

I have to thank Pope Francis for one of his most 'heretical' comments. (Anyone calling it heretical is a moron and I stand by that. ((for clarification, many people i've seen go as far as saying the pope should be excommunicated/pray for them to refind their way/etc when this is arguably one of the most humble and sincere popes we've seen in decades))) https://fxtwitter.com/CatholicSat/s.....qfJcg&s=19 this one.

If god is real, any god. Then there is no 'wrong' way to reach him. Jesus Christ is not the only way to salvation. Etc.

I also find that things such as 'sin' or 'heresy' is just words used to control the masses at this point. If it is not used to assure one's control over others, then it is used in such extremes that it crosses over into such territory anyway. (Something something a lot of the Catholics on twitter.) but that's besides the point.

Hedonism has set me free. A dear friend helped me understand that the usual view of hedonism is not the sole way of it. It is simply the belief that happiness is the ultimate pursuit (paraphrased.)

I don't wish to gain my happiness at the expense of others. But hedonism has opened my mind to the fact that, without happiness, life is boring. Any truly caring, benevolent god would not ask us to deny ourselves mutualistic worldly pleasures to gain access to a happy afterlife. Thus.

I believe if there is one god, and all paths lead to him/her/etc. That they are benevolent. And they understand concepts such as context.

Science can't explain the pre-big bang. And I have chosen to fully embrace agonisticism. I know i may be wrong, but I choose to believe there is a truly benevolent entity out there. Not just Christian, Jewish, etc. But the sole being.

"Ember what about polytheistic religions" those are the same by this logic. They simply split God into piecemeal parts that allows them to understand it better or shape their beliefs. There is no wrong there.

I don't wish to restrain myself anymore over nothing. There is no good point to it. Hedonism has set me free from concepts such as sin.

I know what is right and wrong, I do not need some human-written scripture to tell me. (Which is to say i think the Holy Books are in error. They were written by mankind. We make mistakes. We have BIAS. Etc.)

Yeah yeah heresy whatever. Miss me with it. I've found my truth on the matter. I won't lose it again.

I'm not also saying anyone else should abandon their religion if they have. That's not my choice to make for you, nor would I want to. Find your own happiness, that's what I want you to do.

It will make life so much more fulfilling.

JESUS CHRIST DRAGONEER IS DEAD

OH GOD

nmy brain is on fire but as a just in case for those who don't know

Dragoneer owned the site himself, which means i have no idea if this site may go offline while they try to find a way to keep it funded

he was a good friend to, when i talked to him anyway

bah fuck shit man

this is insanity


here just, links

https://itaku.ee/profile/emberflamefoxheart itaku
https://bsky.app/profile/emberflame.bsky.social bluesky
https://x.com/RealEmberflame twitter

ok i need t ogo fuck off and figuremybrain out now thanks

It occurred to me that not everyone uses Twitter and some might just not read even if they do.

Plus I have more to share.

Thusly I shall make some bulletin points first:

- tired of suicide idealization in vore. I hesitate to say it's fine to a degree because that sounds completely fucked but people who've been around long enough know what I mean. Like at a certain point it goes beyond kink into disturbing territory. I'm trying my nest not to target or out or anything like that but Jesus. Some people are WAY into the whole dying in vore thing to the point where it feels like it's... actually what they want to happen. Yknow? It's hard to explain under these conditions.

- people really should spoiler tag thier adult art and tag it more. Mostly a Twitter problem but like. I don't want to see dick on my feed/timeline/etc if I've blacklisted the content. But some people just, don't mature mark it or put any tags. Frustrating.

- people are way too comfortable sharing every dark or depraved thought in public now it feels like. Can't mute all the keywords either for obvious reasons. But not following a friend seems like taboo online. Also it's just, concerning? Anyone can find that? Especially people who don't know you and might take it the wrong way... bonus points if you don't even talk to friends like that but somehow it's fibe to post on open social media. (No call out here, just a trend I've seen)

- repetitive teases and such: im a hypocrite dw. But I've seen so many RP accounts and random people using the same tired tropes it's exhausting now. Bonus points for really contrived dialogue about how sensual/hot/etc it is. Or abusing noises like wild. (No judge if you're into that)

- abusing prefs seems more common than ever. Just fucking stop people. If they dont want it, stop fucking trying to make them. Hell I made a phrase about it. Kinks are like veganism, nobody is gonna want it if you keep shoving it in thier faces.

- slight follow up. As a closet exhibitionist because I don't want to attract the wrong people to me. It's insane what people think is ok to post in adult spaces. Even if it's adult content not everything should be posted willy nilly.

- also man the Furry community at large is disturbingly tolerant of individuals who make or buy good art. Even if they're actually really shitty people and there's actual proof of such... like, there's so many artists out there, please don't tunnel vision on stuff like this.

- side note I feel some people white knight way too hard over thier favorite artists. Like, Jesus. Calm down. You don't need to throw yourself into the firing range for someone who may not even know you exist. Especially over critique.. (which I have a bad history with myself)

- also some scenarios really should be thrown out of being so common. Like eating retail workers or the pizza delivery guy. Job sucks as it is, don't make it worse or just bully it even. Or eating someone's SO to try and gain worship/thier love. It's, fucked up in a lot of cases. Or pets. Just, cripes. I have no intention to kink shame, these can be done well, but a lot of the time it comes off or is intended to be sadistic.

- I feel like the Furry community has a lot of snowflakes, at least from what I've observed. Hugboxing, trying to clear the air instead of resolving an issue, just. Not resolving the problem which only makes it worse. Especially when it's a minor thing but someone completely breaks down over it or throws a tantrum and just ugh. I'm guilty of it myself but I do feel like boundaries should be established better and problems not swept under the rug hoping it'll go away.

---

As a second part.

I don't hate fatal vore. I just think that certain scenarios if it go waaaay too far or are just disturbing even as a kink.

A lot of it is just framing. How it looks, is described, emotions, consent, etc. I don't care about cruelty like i may suggest because this is really hard to explain and I'm bad at words at times.

But like.

Chances are if it involves stuff looking photorealism, involves non sapient as prey (like pets), or is committed to realism (to an extreme)

I can't say I morally agree with that at all. No kink shame or hate to my friends, I'm just trying to describe the sheer extreme side of the scale.

---

And I also tried to define various vore terms because it feels like nobody can agree on some at times. Copy pasted.

Endosama: just being inside, no melting or anything like that. Acids present but inactive or w/e.

Non fatal: prey comes back at all. Let's go deeper. Reformation is non fatal. "What if they don't know they're coming back or not" then it's Temp until proven otherwise.

Fatal: gone, not coming back. Dead in universe. No resurrection ever. Overlaps with Perma. Perma tends to be gone in every conceivable way forever. No soul, spirit,blblbl. Multiversal included.

Let's go over the blurry lines.

Perma is only perma if it stays that way. Cause perma is basically a verbal contract. It can be undone if any involved party says so. Shrug.

Non fatal means it is known by someone they'll be back OR if the implication they could is made or thought of. Digestion is not fatal unless see fatal above. Soul still there?

Blblbl. Difference is mostly just what's implied at the time. Can still cross back over to either side until its decided. See Temp.

Hopefully this can help some people figure it out.

I am open to debating if people have more questions or nuances.

---

I'm a lot happier being myself online now. But at the same time, I know I'm only human and will fuck up a lot. But without having to live like people expect is so freeing, and with that. All this stuff I've been bottling for years finally came out.

I hope I've explained everything well enough, I can't tell how it comes out at times.

I really don't mean to make people feel targeted or the like, I'm just stating my observations because I want what's best for the people around me

Thanks for reading.

Hi.

It's technically another me update journal but with a more serious tone.

I've linked two twitter threads below, without the whole, i have to be a nice person and get people to like me and blblbl

Well, mask is off.

Now that I'm not hiding myself behind a character anymore I feel less scared to rock the boat as it were and bring up some issues I find troubling in this entire community and beyond it to an extent.

That said, I feel better having written it, a lot of suppressed thoughts and emotions came out.

I am me now, and it feels a lot better to be me instead of someone i'm not.,



https://x.com/RealEmberflame/status.....24801139073029 rambly but part one
https://x.com/RealEmberflame/status.....41708596789308 part two after some discussions and points brought up and i go full aggression

Hai hai

My mental has been improving a lot. Anthro Emberflame has been soooo fitting as a sona uvu

But with it came something I couldn't have expected, a lot of issues that were somehow just, out of sight out of mind while being a quadruped for years. Probably caused by my forever dissonance of never being able to accept her as a proper sona because biped is hardwired into my brain, ahahaa.

In a way, I just care more about myself now. I've found a slight return of my thanatophobia, as well as beginning to care more about my identity than ever.

But I also feel more equipped than I was during my original identity crisis as a teen to deal with it all.

I also just feel more, personally invested. I can really feel the stuff Ember does instead of trying to force myself to feel it. It's, really nice.

I've also slowly been getting over my issues of being touchy-feely with friends who like it. Or in layman terms... God I love booba. WEW

In essence, I am getting better as a person and Emberflame is most definitely an anthro.

It's weird to be so outwardly vulnerable and unable to handle everything, but...

I think its good.

Creative thinking to get around issues.

Ahh~

Hai.

After a lot of talking with my special sweetheart  softfoxxo and another good pal of mine, I've begun to refind my center, as it were.

Some inner peace, comfort in my own skin, that kinda stuff.

So, I'm just gonna make some things clear.

Anthro Emberflame is the default now. She's also my sona, no more of this flip-flopy "mascot? avatar?" blblbl, I am Emberflame Foxheart. And not in an otherkin sense either.

And since I'm finally more comfortable with my identity now, I'm shedding the whole 'goddess' thing I've been doing. I barely use even a quarter of its potential, and honestly it feels like I was overcompensating for my issues now. I don't need it anymore, so I'm going back to what I enjoy. Just a nine tailed kitsune, a shapeshifter, planeswalker, control over fire and lightning, some trickery and such, but able to be vulnerable in general instead of forcing it.

That said, I also played Cassette Beasts recently, 11/10 fucking buy it

And it also, surprisingly, helped me with one of my own mental issues regarding my past content.

I hardly be subtle about how much i loathe my past works for being cringe, self-fulfilling, blblbl

But after seeing that exact same kinda topic covered and thoroughly played out, I feel more at peace with my past online in that regard. The vitriol has left me, for the most part, and I've accepted that even if i think its bad now, it helped me get to where i am now. And that even if i hate it now, which i don't anymore, i still liked it back then. And that means something.

But yes, does a little twirl with the tails and hops up and down.

I've brought myself back to the present.

Life may suck right now, but it will get better. I just have to keep going.

And this peace of mind will help a lot.



And yes, still fox queen~

In case the new art doesn't say much

Emberflame is mainly an anthro now, quadruped still exists but

I feel so much happier and healthier now, and it all happened because of a friend drawing me an art of a possible new character and me getting way too attached before snapping back to normal

crazy

anyways

i'm tall and strong and soft mwah

hi yes

I'm really back to enjoying endosama again, its been years xd

Also if you wanna know more about the recent endo stuff and how Ember is different do yourself a favor and read her updated bio that's now on GOOGLE DOCS

https://docs.google.com/document/d/.....it?usp=sharing

tl;dr i'm even hotter than ever and digestion is just for friends who want it since i can just make myself as fat or whatever as i want uwu

Though as usual I prefer my usual shapeliness l3

https://docs.google.com/document/d/.....it?usp=sharing

Emberflame bio is no longer being stuck in fookin FA descs

its also updated

Trying to be more, comfortable, less selfish, and y'know

Just better explained

27 baybee

I'm not making a journal for each part but it was conveniently timed to this-

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/54607029/ Part 1 of Ember gets fat drive is done!

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/53515750/ Ref sheet update here~!

Just text stuff, but you might find it alluring l3

Emberflame — Today at 12:36 PM
⁠advertise-yourself⁠

Yell @ Me! I am in the works of convincing Chloe to triple all weight from all sources if we reach the final goal
SoftFoxxo — Today at 12:39 PM
if we reach the final goal I'll totally quadruple it lmao
Emberflame — Today at 12:39 PM
SHE SAID IT HERE
SoftFoxxo — Today at 12:39 PM
I'M A LADY OF MY WORD
Emberflame — Today at 12:39 PM
everyone SHE SAID IT HERE, HUGEST EMBER IF WE HIT THE DONATION GOAL

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/54563693/


that's all you need to see xd

Yeah!

My Gurlfwiend  softfoxxo is raising money for herself and I chimed in by being the weight gain target

She gonna be hueeeeg

Her post: Time for some Mayhem! Fatten up Emberflame by giving my magic a bit of a boost with a donation at https://ko-fi.com/softfoxxo . Every donation helps, and is heavily appreciated! 💜

Plz donate uwu

---

Unrelated: My character roster is 'slowly' increasing.

Alongside those mentioned in the previous journal, a new Deertaur, non pokemon and such, is coming

No name yet, but a wip sketch in progress

I plan to slowly continue adding to my roster as I figure out characters i want and will love long term

As for the deertaur...

Dreams, sleep, and a dryad that goes beyond the forest.

Heavy inspiration from Lillia from LoL and the Dryads of WoW

Yeah. I'll copy paste from my discord but before that

The long and short is I feel stuck with a lot of characters I made and reworking them enough to satisfy would basically be a new character regardless

I have reasons for each, but I can't keep holding onto them to make other people happy when I feel chained to them and don't want to use them

---

Most of the characters I made for Clearspring, and others outside of it

Axed

Shadow is fine obviously, she's been with me since gen 3

This list will include chars I've given away for context sake like Talion

Ahem

Abigail, Lumi, Kadin, Turt, my crazed science mienshao, Lauren, Talion, Sophia is long gone, Yuri, Diana, Varin, Einstein, Lily, Victor, Kyuu,

Chances are I've forgotten some, if in doubt, ask, but any not explicitly excepted below are likely gone

I'll spare my Purugly, Luria
Katherine, Zoroark
Cybele, Lucario
Veronica, my Nurse Joy
Shadow obviously
Snowfrost, Alolatales


And now characters can be made that don't have this baggage

And I can only hope people stop begging me to use them when it only hurts for me

---

I have plans to make characters of the same species for those I still want, but in a way that makes me happier to use them

Ones I want to try again with: Lopunny, Glaceon, Espeon, Sylveon, Flygon, Mienfoo/Shao, Mismagius, Luxray, Liepard...

Newer ideas: Cinderace, H-Typh, Manectric, Milotic, maybe Snivy, Salandit (male), probably more

---

Im not gonna promise anything, this is hard enough as is

But I do have one newcomer to share at least

While playing through a romhack called Unbound, I got a Male Lopunny

I don't know why, but he made me happy to think about

I called him Shane, and then my brain liked him more than a female Lopunny

He kind of kicked all this off, especially with my far better mental health now

So... this somehow also turned into him being a Transmale. An alpha, too, Size wise. He's just trying his best to deal with life and enjoys being with his friends. Happy cuddle bun, but not afraid to fight or use his size/strength

Some of the characters being Axed will be given to others who want then

I just want to be free from my own baggage.

Thanks.

Hiii

Since I've mostly talked about it elsewhere I shall inform the people who are only here

Its kind of a meme I obsessively try to improve Emberflame at every opportunity in a way like the boy who cried wolf

But with my mental issues significantly clearing up I am hoping to try and stop this endless cycle of updating Emberflame all the time

So here we are updating Emberflame again, or am I?

Yeah. Honestly.

I don't intend to do another lengthy bio for her, the short one I have now is just fine with minor tweaks

But considering how scattered peoples knowledge on her is, which is my fault, I am going to try and put everything here to clear up stuff

Soooo...

Emberflame is no longer trying to befriend everyone. It was hopeless from the start but one friend pointing out she wouldn't be able to form meaningful friendships on top of the issue of trying to be neutral with two parties that hate each other, yeah.

I've also allowed some of her more negative traits, which I base a lot off myself, to finally just exist. Hot blooded (literal and otherwise), possessive over others, egoistic, dramatic/flashy, attention needy, a bit air headed, naiveish, you get the point

She's no longer always friendly and much moreso is prone to starting problems, worsening them, and missing simple or easy solutions because didn't think of it.

I've had people tell me she has some real depth now. Which is gratifying. I've been nervous to do a lot of this cause of aforementioned mental issues. It's hard when you're scared of being assertive, or looking like a godmodder, or just pissing people off when you didn't mean to

It's a slow process. I've been trying to break through a lot of mental blockages now that my mind is so much clearer. A lot of boundary testing and such, but I'm hoping to avoid past mistakes and even moreso my tendency to go towards extremes. Which is what usually causes me to update Ember because oops.

Speaking of God mod... I have accepted that Emberflame simply is a kitsune-no-kami

A fully powerful long lived fox goddess of fire. Who's still very much a goof off and ignorant of a lot.

Also quite voracious.

Whats more apparent now than ever is I'm letting her cause problems instead of cowering at the idea of causing one and having to fix it.

For those who read my Clearspring Finale, the new attitude does show there, if restrained some. She's still physically affectionate and such, but I'm letting her just be more of a person metaphorically. She makes mistakes, she's not trying to be always good, and she's not perfect.

It's been a lot of thinking these past few weeks. A lot of challenging what I believe in and seeing the obvious flaws I never noticed or willfully ignored.

Emberflame is not all powerful nor does she claim to be except for her chosen element of fire. Creation gods, or things like the Ascians of FF14 are above her in sheer scale of ability. But I don't want to do combat stuff much anyway.

Emberflame is meant to be OP, but I never saw that she could have challenge beyond combat. Reading about one punch man opened my mind a lot in that regard. The tunnel vision is finally over.

That and stupid stuff like people asking "why doesn't she eat her opponents if it's so op" and I never considered she may be bored of it or just not in the mood. And boredom is something she can't stand.

It all kinda meshes so much better now.

My sweetheart  SoftFoxxo has been super supportive as well ❤️

But yes

Now that I'm finally getting better mentally

I hope I can end this cycle of constantly changing Emberflame too so she can settle and grow like she should.

Man I don't do rambly journals often but this one is... special, to me

Content warning this shit gets dark

As of yesterday, after two weeks of being stuck remembering more and more about my past (and emailing my therapist since he likes seeing my thoughts)...

Well

I finally found the truth. A painful, harsh, shitty truth

For context: my childhood sucked. I always just shrugged it off by saying it could have very easily been worse and I grew up at least on a good path.

And as of last night, after some texting with my mom that had her tell me something arguably minor about my father... I finally snapped.

My father is... an alcoholic, smoker, currently in jail for things not related to me personally and has been for years. He was fond of tough love. I've said all this before. I've met people who had way worse times growing up. But... thats just no excuse to pretend mine was acceptable.

My mom divorced my dad when I was in fourth grade. I happily went between houses, didn't bother me. What I should've done is stayed with my mom, i had the choice, but I was loyal to my dad and the house I grew up in

That choice fucked me up. Badly.

He wanted to be a good dad for me. That is how I've excused all the shit he caused me. I happily ignored the problems and warning signs that staying with him primarily wasn't a good idea.

He wasn't abusive, fond of spanking, grounding, etc. But he never randomly flew into blind rages or the like. But

He wasn't a good dad. I just never realized how bad of one he was.

His garage was a hoarder paradise. he barely read the mail and missed power payments multiple times. We went months without internet or even cable because no money.

Meanwhile my mom despite all the shit she had to put herself through was a smart spender, kept receipts and emails, all the good stuff. My dad admitted many times she kept the house together and she was far better than him.

You get the idea, yeah?

I was raised on valuing family and shit. So until last night I considered the idea of demonizing him in spite of his good intentions to be taboo. Reminds me of someone else, if you know what I mean.

I won't go into detail about everything, too personal and long. But...

He is the originator of a lot of my current mental issues. And worsened them too.

My anxiety from his punishments and skirting around him when he wasn't home just to enjoy some internet time

My depression for how awful my home life was, although a lot of other shit contributed to it too

My confidence issues and worry of others judgment. He saw me watching SpongeBob as a teen and off handedly remarked I'm a bit old for that, among other things.

Horrifically the cause of my need to please others and be what they perceive me to be.

That's not to say he's to blame for everything, school, lack of friends, other shit contributed.

But his vices and wants caused so much of it to start, and worsen.

I broke last night when I was texting my mom at work and she told me he didn't want me tested for mental disorders as a kid. He didn't say it, but from all that I remember, he wanted me to turn out normal. Football, fishing, other shit

He played video games with me, some sports, other stuff. But...

When I found out he actively opposed the idea that I wasn't normal.

I broke. My mom got me an individualized education plan, medication, and more. What did he do

Nothing

I finally validates feelings I've had for years when I snapped. I hate him, I don't want to forgive him, and he doesn't deserve exclusion from my stance that people should change for the better.

He didn't accommodate my problems. If my grades sucked, I got punished. If I needed help, he'd just tell me to study or be unhelpful. The rest of his side of the family isn't much better. One of my cousins grew up to be a delinquent so bad military school couldn't fix him. His dad? A womanizer, general asshole, and someone I hope I never see again.

One of my uncles was so much of a train wreck he ate his gun in front of his own dad. My dad's dad. Im not explaining this well

My grandpa had four kids, one girl, three boys

One of them blew his brains out after he couldn't take his train wreck of a life anymore, in front of his own father. The other had my delinquent cousin. And then my dad had Mr.

The uncle who is dead has a kid who's my older cousin. He's not much better than his dead and has two kids younger than me. One of them is ok but the other... she's smart, but her behavior is atrocious. Like, bratty little girl mind in a middle schooler body at this point.

All the above? Except my granddad, all got divorced by thier wives. Nobody in my dad side of the bloodline that is male seems to have any redeeming qualities about them. As in, my dad, his brothers, thier kids.

They're the reason I don't have a backbone. Very physical family. One time my cousin and uncle were fighting and my uncle took his belt off and threw it at him. It missed, knocked a curtain down. If you couldn't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen.

My dad wasn't as physical as them but I've felt the belt plenty. Had CPS called on us once. Fun. Same person who made me come home on weekends from my mom's just to feed the birds we cared for on behalf of a friend who was a bird groomer and rehomer. Responsibility my ass. Two different buses, both ways. Fuck off.

My dad didn't force me to do a lot of the dumb shit I've done over time, but many of them wouldn't have happened if he hadn't been the source if events that led up to them. I had to go into a teen ward for a weekend once because I was going so insane i was having hallucinations of stabbing him in his sleep with a knife. And even after that

He never changed. He tried, but he never did. His vices and wants ruined us all. Even after the ward all he did was try to be less harsh.

It's so fucked up, man.

We never lived anywhere with many kids my age, I was a weird kid at school, and while he didn't make me socially stunted. He didn't help it either. Same person who said if I got into a fight with a bully, he'd defend me from the staff. Also told me to break thier nose.

Me. Someone who hates pain and doesn't want to get into fights.

The only reason I turned out like I have now instead of becoming another problem is because of my mom's side of the family and my genuine desire to improve. I've never done any drugs, all I do is endure.

All the family values I had growing up made me feel taboo to validate my feelings and thoughts about him and the rest.

I could be so much less fucked up mentally without him. But the past is long gone. I haven't seen him in years, don't want to either.

I hate you, *****. I don't forgive you. I don't want to even see you again.

If he can, Papa would be disappointed in you. All of you. He raised you all better than this.

Context: grandpa was called papa. He wasn't nearly as bad as the others, everyone respected him, even my mom who isn't fond of any of them. When he said dinner, everyone materialized.

When I see my therapist again soon, i can hopefully get guidance on how to finally heal. And even more, overcome my mental and social issues.


It pains me to say my dad going to jail labeled as a pedophile because he pissed off someone popular and powerful in her community was the best thing to happen to me

But it was

And yes, that's real. Even the people who hate my dad agree there was no real proof of him being a child predator. Not on me, not in photos, not in the computer.

But having him out of my life, well

That was the first step to me becoming who I am now

Free of a truly terrible influence and father figure

There's so much left for me to do, so much I need to heal from

But at least now I've finally identified the original cause of so many of my mental problems not from genetics

Fuck

I had to tear out one of my core beliefs

Just to stop ignoring the signs, stop burying the truth, and finally see how the dots all connect

It's not fucking easy

But I had to do it

Otherwise I'd just keep going in circles and never having real closure and healing.

Man this is gonna be a bit rant

So like

Yeah i updated Emberflame's bio again

It's arguably the shortest it's ever been lol

But there was a lot leading up to it

So, how do I put this

This will retread stuff I said before sorry

Emberflame was never meant to be as extremely kind and friends with everyone as I've portrayed her

Partially out of fear, but also just my own weird brain not understanding shit

I wanted Emberflame to be friendly to everyone because popularity and also her affiliation with a friend if mines character, a certain Luxray if you will, who is chaotic evil

Rather than being smart and saying she's an exception or it's non Canon, I've spent years trying to make it work in various god awful not well thought ways

But this also didn't help that I wanted Emberflame to look good

She's genuinely popular and I didn't wanna ruin it on accident so I just kept upping the antenna as it were

But I just can't be that

Who could be?

Plus, she's not supposed to be always kind and stuff

She's impulsive, emotionally driven, mischievous, even a troll at times

She does stuff and thinks about it later if at all

I wanted to avoid consequences and stick to realism, but that just doesn't work AND I overthought and overcomplicated it which then ruined my writing drive on tip of other shit too

Bluh

The point is

With help from friends I'm getting past all this shit

I'm trying writing, even though I worry

And Emberflame is a lot less pure good

If anything she's chaotic neutral leaning good

I've taken out or resolved a lot of longstanding issues holding me back and her

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/53515733/

Her bio is here, if you'd like to see it

I'm glad this nightmare of mine is finally coming to an end

Even if I'm scared of losing what made Emberflame special to people through all this

Hawwo

After a lot of help and encouragement from my friends last night, I think I've finally gotten past my writing troubles and such. Or at least enough to really consider writing for fun and such again more.

But buying a lot of Ember art and actual useful things is expensive

So Ima reopen comms, they were already open but shush

There is however, a price increase, sorta.

Given my style is pretty unique and a bit niche, I'm charging more for less and less for more.

If the story is 1500 words or less, its 50$ per 1k words. (75 if at 1500 blblbl)

If the story is over 1500, its 35$ per 1k retroactively. (70$ at 2000)

This is cause I usually write short, fast, and loose. So I'd rather make more on the norm than do the seemingly smarter thing of charging more above a certain word count

I know my strengths and such. If you're comming me its for my writing style, y'know?

Price is open to negotiation if you want something you want decently long instead of a couple scenes or the like.

Bear in mind my motivation and attention can be fickle, so it might get done really quick or it might take me a long while

I can do a buncha stuff, SFW or oral vore is preferred, but I can do other tame kinks and maybe some lewd stuff (maybe for a bit extra cause its not my thing?)

My best stuff tends to be dialogue, accurate character portrayals (canon characters or your characters with some info), and comedy. I'm not super descriptive by any means and i prefer stuff to be fast for the most part.

I tend to send snippets as I write them for accuracy and satisfaction so I don't have to redo stuff after the fact.

That's all ya need to know, just lemme know anywhere if you'd like a story.

Copy pasted from twitter.

It do be that time again.

Bleeeeeh

After some deep discussion with close friends and my sweetheart I have realized that Emberflame is not where I want her to be, on accident and on purpose.

shocker, I know, the person who constantly focuses on self-improvement still has issues

But this is a bit more of a deep issue considering how many times I've tried, and failed, to tackle it.

The problem is both my mental and also the way I just kinda let other shape how Emberflame is/acts. She's popular, I won't deny it, but I feel like I'm- how to put it...

Subject to the expectations of others? An old bad habit.

I do want Emberflame to be kind, but I've avoided certain things like "overprotective of friends" because of that ugly edgy furry stereotype of "FUCK WITH MY FRIENDS AND DIE" and such. Even though I've now learned thats just kinda normal? You wanna be protective of the people you care about. Blegh.

So I feel dumb for that.

But that's slightly off topic.

Emberflame just, isn't meant to be friends with EVERYONE ever. Not only is it impossible but getting dangerously mary sue, which we all know how i feel about that.

I just wanted an avenue of "Why is Emberflame friends with villains if she's not evil herself" and in my usual problem I went to the logical extremes. Not helped by how friendly she is normally.

"Ember what's the point here?"

I'm trying course correction again. Emberflame is, well. Fuck.

I just don't wanna have her come off as evil or annoying. Cause I've had so many years a while back of people telling me how hard it'd be for her to have friends with how she is.

She's, well. There's no need for overexplanation this time.

Emberflame is a goofball goddess full of mischief. She's usually friendly but isn't against just doing whatever because she felt like it. She doesn't think long term, she hardly thinks before she acts! She's driven by impulsiveness and her emotions. Sometimes she's a troll, sometimes she just wants to mess with people, sometimes she just eats someone nearby because she felt hungry, hell her mere existence is property damage given her size.

But that's the problem, all this comes with `consequences` which drive me mad

A lot of vore stuff doesn't take any consequences into account and I'm tired of it on both sides. I don't wanna keep track of each individual person or whatever Ember eats or messes with, it kills my motivation. Especially when I feel like I have to overexplain shit so nobody can question anything. It's awful.

It's why I can't write. I get paralysis from it. "How do I handle this? Will Ember look too bad? Is the idea itself bad?" etc.

I'm a slave to my own worries and perception of others. I feel like my writing is mediocre shitposting

And I know I'm better than average, but what do I do??? Its hard to accept that my lack of descriptiveness, my "you have to know what I'm talking about to get invested" style, my lack of seriousness, all that stuff. I'm nowhere near a 'normal' writer like some others I know.

I make people laugh, I'm ADHD as fuck, I can't waste my motivation on shit that bores me or I'll burn out entirely before its done. It's why my style is so freeflowing.

But all these realistic things and seeming requirements ruin writing for me and make my mental boom.

So how's this all tie in together?

I can't make myself write because I hold myself to unrealistic standards I can't get rid of and feel held down by my past writing mistakes even if nobody else really cares.

Which makes it harder for me to do stuff with Emberflame other than theorizing and imagining.

How do I write Emberflame if she's gonna have no friends because of her true nature as a troll, mischief maker, and general goof off? Sure she'll have some, but she'll cause so many problems and she can't fix them all, leading to resentment- and other shit I have to keep up with. It just feels easier to be big friendly goof off than introducing less 'nice' elements even if its truer to her real self.

I don't want her to look evil or the like man. She's not stomping cities for fun or doing the moidah cause lul

She hardly even thinks that far ahead. A lot of what she does can be undone, but it feels unrealistic to have it be that people are just 'ok' with it, y'know?

She truly is loyal and loving to her friends though. All that physical love and emotions and stuff was always real

It's just, it can't be for everyone. There's not enough time or Emberflame for everyone. She was made to treasure her real friends, popularity cheapens it all. She doesn't mind popularity, but she just can't show all her love to everyone like she can close friends.

That's the whole of the issue.

I feel held back by my own worries and the perceptions of others.

That's why everytime I keep saying Emberflame will be less super nice fails.

This is the burden I carry.

Truth be told I wanted to make some silly epilogue thing out of this but genuinely I just can't bring myself to.

So instead I'll simply put it here

For those who enjoyed my Clearspring works, Bittersweet Tales, Rekindling, and Traversing Boundaries

I have not spoken to others about all this, so whether or not its fact is really primarily up to  tastytales

But enough preamble, a short list.

- BST: Abigail's beloved human friend never dies. The elderly woman, specifically. It was done because a certain someone I had come to listen to freshly didn't like how Abigail was and that she was being written with too much 'niceness' for how evil she was. It was my fault for underestimating how bad she looked, but also I took that way too seriously and decided to make things worse for her just cause. Honestly a lot of stuff with her was completely ruined by that, but I worked with what I had done regardless. Were her friend to be alive now, she'd be free to leave Clearspring and come back as she pleases. And be a lot happier, too. Lumi would probably also follow her, guild-bound or not.

- BST: Emberflame changing color. This is just, I dunno what I was doing other than shoehorning it in lmao. I dunno what else I'd do but putting it here cause it irks me.

- BST: How Emberflame survived on Mt Coronet for some years... I dunno. Of all the ways to start a story, man I really chose a poor one. Maybe she had provisions? Maybe she just went feral as needed? I dunno. Maybe the mountain itself provided as a mystery dungeon.

- Rekindling: The entirety of the whole thing with the Luxray and the secret hideout. Dios mio. Just, beyond writer shame of which there is a lot, it did very little. I just wanted more characters and to show off one of my at the time favorites. If everyone else forgets it exists and never acknowledges it, fine by me.

- All three: Emberflame's various breakdowns, returns to Clearspring, and general crazed mental. Writer shame but also just like, real life writes the plot. The more I wrote Emberflame the more I discovered of myself and I kept using her as my vessel for it. Honestly it was a bit much imo.

Man I'm really getting off track.

But that is the majority of stuff that bothered me.

Poor Abby.

You never deserved it had I known how to write you better.

https://itaku.ee/profile/emberflamefoxheart now itaku is the best new art site

Soooo

Now that I've had time to adjust and practice being a better person overall, it definitely feels more 'me' as it were.

That last journal wasn't just meant for Emberflame despite her being in it, I've tried irl to just like, be nicer.

I tended to ghost/evade people instead of saying i'm not in the mood or don't want to talk, I find it hard to just say no in general, I was abrasive/prickly, just, it felt wrong.

But I find it hard to change myself around people I'm comfortable or have known for a long time, it feels; weird?

Regardless, I feel like I'm doing a lot better but am by no means like, perfect or morally high ground or whatever. Although it has been nice for older friends of mine to say I'm acting like myself again, hah.

As for Emberflame, I will be toning back the super kindness and such a bit. I'd like her to just be like, kind, trusting, affectionate, but also have that kitsune knack for mischief.

She just won't do like, fatal unless someone really wanted it blblbl, or just long term harm stuff in general. She likes to have the kind of fun that's easy to fix, so to speak

But yeah, I just wanna keep improving at this point. Cause I don't wanna be a drama magnet, or an abrasive asshole, or just like, I just wanna be me.

Even if I worry i'll be a pushover again-

So, I'll make this as short as I can before the paste.

As of a little while ago I've been struggling with dissonance with Emberflame. That is to say, the Emberflame I envision and love is different than the one I've put out publicly.

I don't want it to be that way, not to this degree. So I've spent time talking with a few friends of mine to fix this.

I had a painful realization that I'm not as kind as I think I am. I rarely compliment people, because it feels like y'know. I'm just dumb or stupid for saying what feels obvious, or i'm like those useless comments that some people phrase it as that just say "Nice"

Emberflame, also, has just spiraled wildly from how I love her. So, after much discussion and trying to figure out my own issues as well as my dissonance.

I rewrote Emberflame's bio, went to work on her personality to be more like my dream pred version of her, and now its all ready.

So, here it is, also put in my Emberflame ref sheet bio. (more stuff/a summary after if you don't want to read it)

---

Emberflame is a very large fat nine tailed fire kitsune (6'3'' at the shoulder, around 7'8'' at head.) Her absurdly fluffy fur reminiscent of a samoyed is the color of a yellowish gold with tail tips of orange, eyes of a striking blue hue, and a large mane accompanying her own special hairstyle. The fox wears a silver tiara inset with rectangular sapphires and small circular rubies. A deep blue blanket masquerading as a scarf is wrapped around her neck. Even her tails follow in the trend of bigger and better, all nine each sporting luxuriously soft fluff and being more than enough to act as a blanket and bed for herself or others wherever she goes. The tails are also surprisingly prehensile, able to be used for a variety of purposes no matter how inelegant it may seem.

Emberflame is extremely trusting, friendly, and affectionate. She wears a tiara that makes her look like royalty, which while its fun to her to pretend to be royal; she just knows she's special and wants to have everyone around her feel as special as she is (as they deserve to be by her.) Even her scarf has a purpose, being larger than a towel yet far softer, perfect for carrying items or smaller friends in while held right against her soft fluffy neck. While she has quite a lot of energy and at times a short attention span; she can calm down remarkably fast for intimate physical affection with just about anyone. She loves attention and doesn't mind being public at all with her affection. Her biggest desire is to be a friend anyone could go to for a shoulder to cry on, a fluffy tummy to cuddle up against or in, someone to vent to, or anything they could want or need. She's reluctant to fight unless its for fun, though its a great way for her to actually exhaust herself.

Emberflame may seem naïve at a glance, but she simply chooses to believe in the best of everyone, good or evil. Even if she can't make everyone be friends with each other like they might be with her; she's not against resolving things with deception if it'll keep everyone ok that she loves. The fox is constantly wanting for company, getting rather possessive of those she likes or even random beings if it means she won't be alone. Even in those moods, she still cares deeply about those she holds. She could swallow down a hero from a world in danger and adventure for them with their blessings or powers if she wanted to, or at the very least keep that hero safe and close to her heart as a break from whatever nightmares they must face. Even villains who've caused so much pain can be spared in Emberflame, if they're truly friends with her.

The kitsune is a glutton of the highest degree, eagerly stuffing herself with entire feasts or everyone around her as she desires. When she gets stressed she binge eats, gulping down whatever she can even if its not the most edible. She doesn't discriminate between the powerful, weak, or normal, everyone and everything can be gulped down just the same in her eyes. But anyone that ends up in her stomach is entirely safe. Whether they're kept inside whole and safe or digested and having their spirit put into a safe predscape she maintains (or simply held as sentient fat if they wish.) Those seeking an end can find comfort in her, quick, painless, and guaranteed to be within her predscape as its own afterlife (unless they don't even want that.) Emberflame cares for her prey as a friend no matter their opinions, she'll give them compliments, talk about how great they make her feel, and offer as much as she can to make it as nice as possible. Some even have fun teasing her from inside, once they find out what buttons to smash and tease her with to make her really flustered. She also loves to eat anyone she defeats, comforting them after an enjoyable fight and telling them how well they did no matter the result. Even if she causes delays or upends entire schedules, Emberflame doesn't want to cause any real harm with her appetite. Though she might make an exception if she feels she knows better and keeps someone in for their own good.

Emberflame's magic is vast yet concentrated. She has mastery over fire, but also calls upon wild magic* just for the randomness it has (its very fun). She has hypnosis to help her friends relax or calm down those around her that need it. She can speak in human tongues, as a beast, or even through telepathy. Nowhere is truly impossible for her to go, as she crosses entire universes by just magically getting lost. She's learned transformative magics to make her entire body practically indestructible on the inside as well as change her own form into other kinds (as well as turning others into things they want to be within reasonable limits.)

*Wild Magic is basically random effects and power: https://www.angelfire.com/rpg2/vort.....ablemagic.html

Pokemon Stuff:

Stats

Level ???
Female
Naive nature
Loves to eat
Starts with max friendship and affection

Ability: Voracious (swallows opponents on KO, gains a random stat boost and heals for some hp)

Known Moves:

Dark Pulse, Fire Blast, Flamethrower, Solar Beam, Confuse Ray, Will O Wisp, Disable, Quick Attack, Iron Tail, Tail Slap, Psychic, Hex, Flare Blitz, Energy Ball, Shadow Ball, Attract, Hypnosis, Hyper Beam, Imprison, Heavy Slam, Power Trip

---

I guess a bit of bullet points

- Emberflame is almost never fatal now
- Emberflame is MUCH kinder and friendly
- Emberflame has been slightly toned down on the chaotic frenetic energy
- Readded predscape
- Added a bit of trait theft power
- Updated her Pokemon stuff
- Tried my best to make Emberflame just a wonderful fox to be around, a true friend through and through instead of just seeming like one.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

I'm

Very emotional about all this

I'm going to do my best to be kinder, compliment people more, and just be more positive.

Thanks for being here with me.

So because it seems like FA might actually implode this time given their doubling down on stupid shit™

I've decided to branch out.

Including to err... yeah. UGH

https://www.weasyl.com/~emberflamefoxheart
https://inkbunny.net/EmberflameFoxheart
https://emberflamefoxheart.sofurry.com/

considering Aryion and Telegram...