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Hopefully new stuff soon
General | Posted 2 years agoYeez, quite some time since I wrote a journal update.
And when I write something its about depressing things. Not something most people want to read about.
Sadly I just don't have much to tell about and I rather don't talk about ideas that I can't get made.
Anyway I hope to have some new Cikyla stuff soon.
Despite that Savannah seems to have taken the spotlight I have not forgotten my dream girl/character I want to make comics with.
And when I write something its about depressing things. Not something most people want to read about.
Sadly I just don't have much to tell about and I rather don't talk about ideas that I can't get made.
Anyway I hope to have some new Cikyla stuff soon.
Despite that Savannah seems to have taken the spotlight I have not forgotten my dream girl/character I want to make comics with.
My birthday caught up with me again
General | Posted 5 years agoHello all,
It is my birthday today or at least was on the 23th of October when I started writing this.
While I knew it was my birthday this week I had not really prepared for it. There was not anything special I wanted to do celebrate it or anything specific I really would like to get for myself (well a new PC but that lies a bit more complex, I have saved up for it but I don't know what setup to go for) that I normally would postpone because of the price or other reasons.
I also did not contact any of the people I know to tell them that my birthday was coming up this week to ask if they would perhaps send a message. Not because I did not want to be reminded of this day, I just thought of it too late to do so.
My siblings did contact me, my sister for example sent me a package with some new duvet covers, some cat toys and a card. And my brother contacted me to wish me a happy birthday and had previously asked if there was something I wanted for my birthday. (I would liked to have had an older or cheap laptop for internet use, alternatively either a new chair, a DVD set, or perhaps some SD cards to put stuff on)
And my aunt also contacted me to congratulate me.
Oh and I just notice that a number of people have left a message for me on Facebook. Really have to reply to them before I forget that again.
That is one of my worst habits, my forgetfulness and delaying things I am planning to do such as writing this message which got delayed because I got distracted by Youtube again.
How does this day feel?
Well I feel I am kind of in a daze to be honest like I have been these last couple of weeks.
It may have to do with how I am living my days these last years which are quite repetitive, mostly doing the same stuff over and over and not having a good day-night routine, but that is mostly because I don't know what to do with my life.
But I also have a big problem of the near future on my mind that is also really affecting me badly.
And more recently my cat Little Flame passed away and leaving a big hole at home.
It feels like a pretty regular day, one who like most of them I will probably quickly will forget about again other than perhaps feeling that it was rather a disappointment in general.
I know that days are what you make of them but that is one of my problems, I don't know what to make of days any more.
What would I like to be different?
Well for twenty-one years now and perhaps longer I feel now that I have accomplished nothing in my life, something that has given me bouts of severe depression from time to time to the point that I sometimes wish I could find the strength to finally end what I consider to be a pointless life.
I do have a number of ambitions I always wanted to pursue during my life such as;
-Being able to draw on a similar level of skill such as artists I admire.
-Being able to write. Well I do write from time to time but I mean write good (really having a good grasp of the written word) and know what I am writing about as I dislike pseudo intellectual, pseudo philosophical, and pseudo scientific nonsense. (well the last is not always a problem if it plays only a minor role or some flexibility is required to make an idea work)
-Being able to make computer games. I have reached this point that I would rather work on making a game than playing them as I have been become so disappointed in gaming in general but yet still feel a lot of passion for what it once meant to me.
A big reason why I have made little progress in any of these is my own lack of focus and discipline but also severe doubts and depression play a large role in this.
Almost every birthday these last five years I kind of hope that this will be the moment of significant change in my own development, that now a profound growth of character will be taking place, I get my thoughts straight and my goals are clear in my mind, and I push aside all my own nonsense that is holding me down or causing me to just make more excuses.
Some might say "Isn't it time then to give up on these ambitions?"
And then what? I already live a life in which I have difficulty with attaining these ambitions and it is honestly not that I have never though "Hey what else would interest me? What else do I find worthwhile to pursue?"
If anything it has only made me want to find out more what it is exactly that is holding me back and how I can overcome it, it is not just these ambitions but also a lot of other things I have difficulty with because my attention keeps jumping around.
So what I would have liked to have had most for my birthday, well other than being able to start my life over from the age of fifteen but with the knowledge of today, is being able to put more focus and discipline in my life and finally be able to deal with my doubts and achieve some degree of fulfilment that I so much desire.
It is my birthday today or at least was on the 23th of October when I started writing this.
While I knew it was my birthday this week I had not really prepared for it. There was not anything special I wanted to do celebrate it or anything specific I really would like to get for myself (well a new PC but that lies a bit more complex, I have saved up for it but I don't know what setup to go for) that I normally would postpone because of the price or other reasons.
I also did not contact any of the people I know to tell them that my birthday was coming up this week to ask if they would perhaps send a message. Not because I did not want to be reminded of this day, I just thought of it too late to do so.
My siblings did contact me, my sister for example sent me a package with some new duvet covers, some cat toys and a card. And my brother contacted me to wish me a happy birthday and had previously asked if there was something I wanted for my birthday. (I would liked to have had an older or cheap laptop for internet use, alternatively either a new chair, a DVD set, or perhaps some SD cards to put stuff on)
And my aunt also contacted me to congratulate me.
Oh and I just notice that a number of people have left a message for me on Facebook. Really have to reply to them before I forget that again.
That is one of my worst habits, my forgetfulness and delaying things I am planning to do such as writing this message which got delayed because I got distracted by Youtube again.
How does this day feel?
Well I feel I am kind of in a daze to be honest like I have been these last couple of weeks.
It may have to do with how I am living my days these last years which are quite repetitive, mostly doing the same stuff over and over and not having a good day-night routine, but that is mostly because I don't know what to do with my life.
But I also have a big problem of the near future on my mind that is also really affecting me badly.
And more recently my cat Little Flame passed away and leaving a big hole at home.
It feels like a pretty regular day, one who like most of them I will probably quickly will forget about again other than perhaps feeling that it was rather a disappointment in general.
I know that days are what you make of them but that is one of my problems, I don't know what to make of days any more.
What would I like to be different?
Well for twenty-one years now and perhaps longer I feel now that I have accomplished nothing in my life, something that has given me bouts of severe depression from time to time to the point that I sometimes wish I could find the strength to finally end what I consider to be a pointless life.
I do have a number of ambitions I always wanted to pursue during my life such as;
-Being able to draw on a similar level of skill such as artists I admire.
-Being able to write. Well I do write from time to time but I mean write good (really having a good grasp of the written word) and know what I am writing about as I dislike pseudo intellectual, pseudo philosophical, and pseudo scientific nonsense. (well the last is not always a problem if it plays only a minor role or some flexibility is required to make an idea work)
-Being able to make computer games. I have reached this point that I would rather work on making a game than playing them as I have been become so disappointed in gaming in general but yet still feel a lot of passion for what it once meant to me.
A big reason why I have made little progress in any of these is my own lack of focus and discipline but also severe doubts and depression play a large role in this.
Almost every birthday these last five years I kind of hope that this will be the moment of significant change in my own development, that now a profound growth of character will be taking place, I get my thoughts straight and my goals are clear in my mind, and I push aside all my own nonsense that is holding me down or causing me to just make more excuses.
Some might say "Isn't it time then to give up on these ambitions?"
And then what? I already live a life in which I have difficulty with attaining these ambitions and it is honestly not that I have never though "Hey what else would interest me? What else do I find worthwhile to pursue?"
If anything it has only made me want to find out more what it is exactly that is holding me back and how I can overcome it, it is not just these ambitions but also a lot of other things I have difficulty with because my attention keeps jumping around.
So what I would have liked to have had most for my birthday, well other than being able to start my life over from the age of fifteen but with the knowledge of today, is being able to put more focus and discipline in my life and finally be able to deal with my doubts and achieve some degree of fulfilment that I so much desire.
And yet another year has passed
General | Posted 5 years agoWhile I almost daily visit this site I barely ever make any posts on the journal.
Most of the time that I do it is when I have some new commissions to show to people but for the rest of the time I am pretty quiet.
To be honest I am not that interesting of a person. My personal life is well not worth talking about out other than that it feels very repetitive and that I feel that I have rather made a mess of it.
Sure I have dreams and ambitions but I also have a lot of issues and problems and those that I have talked with in the past know what troubles me. And part of the problem is my own personality.
I find it very difficult to be motivated for anything or when I try to do something I have the tendency to quickly get distracted or I become very frustrated because I feel I am not making progress towards the goal I wish to achieve. (something I bring up a lot in my PMs with people and something I am sometimes worried about is that I am testing people's patience)
I do want to work on the problem and I have been given advice in the past about it but none of it has really worked for me or I quickly fall back into old bad habits again.
Then it becomes rather cyclic; I hate my life because I feel I have accomplished nothing of noteworthy that I can feel proud of myself or show to people, but when I try to start on any project or learning effort I quickly loose focus or become distracted.
Part of it is uncertainty and doubt (especially because I feel that my age is has become an obstacle for any kind of change) and that I still have so much to go and there is no certainty that I will achieve what I want to reach. (yeah I am really goal obsessed)
One of my ambitions and sources of frustrations is my desire to be an artist, the drawing kind.
I have been on this for fifteen years (not continuously mind you as otherwise I would have made progress) and I still seem to be stuck in the opening phase which does really make me sad.
I still don't really know what I am making progress at and what the mistakes are that I am making.
Last year Racerdragon suggested that I started on a short story as just a practice project and while I have written some things I have yet to do any kind of prose story involving Cikyla or any other character I have made up myself (or fan fiction based on any existing character(s) )
I have not had any idea I really felt I could tell a story with or if I had an idea I find it very difficult to work out a complete plotline for. And then there is my frustration with my own lexicon which I find very lacking. (how to describe things so that people can visualize it in their mind's eye, or the text having a certain dynamism that makes it grab and hold the reader's attention)
I also do not know exactly what kind of stories I want to tell with Cikyla.
Well I would like to take inspiration from some of my favorite comic series in the present or in the past such as Tintin or Donald Duck when they are engaging in an adventure that sends them to distant places and look up the mystery and confront danger. Those are themes that really appeal to me and that is what I would like to do with Cikyla and other characters, her being this globe-trotting adventurer whose jobs or missions take her around the world.
But there are some difficulties with that.
I have been trying to think of various settings and themes.
My original theme was something like Hellboy and the BPRD, Cikyla and my other characters being these paranormal investigation agents that look into any supernatural and protect the public in general from it.
Thing is that I don't know that much about various countries' histories, cultures, and mythologies and that would be very important for something like this.
Another setting I have been considered is one inspired by Boktai, a favorite Gameboy Advance series of mine which is sort of a combination of Gothic Horror/Castlevania and Spaghetti Westerns.
My characters living in a world that is overrun by the Undead (not just zombies) with most people living in great cities that are almost isolated from the outside and various small settlements spread between them, sort of like Western frontier towns.
Cikyla and other characters would play the role of Gunslingers or Rangers whose job it is to protect these small settlements (the major cities are protected by the Church's army and the city militia/guards) from the Undead and their dark masters; the Nobility, people and beings who have given up their "humanity" in return for power and immortality, who wish to put the entire world under their control.
The world would be a sort of mix of early 20th Century/WW1 level of civilization and technology (though there are remnants of advanced technology from the past and some modern technology that is WW2 and perhaps beyond), magic and the supernatural, and gothic horror.
Still that does require some understanding of various cultures, mythology, legends and so on.
And then of course there is science fiction but I have a tendency to quickly think of Star Trek and Star Wars like settings when I much rather would like to go for something different.
In one video I watched about world building it was suggested that I should perhaps write something based on my own experiences, but I have nothing worth talking about because of what my life is like.
Plus some details have become unclear over the years.
Okay that becomes rather self pitying which is not my intention but I do not feel a lot of my own life is very inspirational to tell a story about, there is little meaning and purpose in it.
Now that video did talk a bit about why not to linger to much about working on details and at some point just start but that leaves me stuck with that I do not know what to start on.
Here is a link BTW, I found it interesting to watch; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2056pPqISQo
As for commissions, I have commissioned something from Shonuff44 I hope to post here as soon as he has made it but that might take a while
What commissions I have had made in the recent past are for my own enjoyment and I have my reasons why I do not put them online.
I don't want it to give me a certain reputation that may haunt me in the future at some point but it is also the type of feedback such uploads might get I do not really like.
People should not be worried that they miss out on much, by Fur Affinity standards it is pretty generic material.
I have in the past considered opening a separate account for these types of commissions or have the artists who made them for me put them on their own accounts but at the moment I prefer the current situation.
Most of the time that I do it is when I have some new commissions to show to people but for the rest of the time I am pretty quiet.
To be honest I am not that interesting of a person. My personal life is well not worth talking about out other than that it feels very repetitive and that I feel that I have rather made a mess of it.
Sure I have dreams and ambitions but I also have a lot of issues and problems and those that I have talked with in the past know what troubles me. And part of the problem is my own personality.
I find it very difficult to be motivated for anything or when I try to do something I have the tendency to quickly get distracted or I become very frustrated because I feel I am not making progress towards the goal I wish to achieve. (something I bring up a lot in my PMs with people and something I am sometimes worried about is that I am testing people's patience)
I do want to work on the problem and I have been given advice in the past about it but none of it has really worked for me or I quickly fall back into old bad habits again.
Then it becomes rather cyclic; I hate my life because I feel I have accomplished nothing of noteworthy that I can feel proud of myself or show to people, but when I try to start on any project or learning effort I quickly loose focus or become distracted.
Part of it is uncertainty and doubt (especially because I feel that my age is has become an obstacle for any kind of change) and that I still have so much to go and there is no certainty that I will achieve what I want to reach. (yeah I am really goal obsessed)
One of my ambitions and sources of frustrations is my desire to be an artist, the drawing kind.
I have been on this for fifteen years (not continuously mind you as otherwise I would have made progress) and I still seem to be stuck in the opening phase which does really make me sad.
I still don't really know what I am making progress at and what the mistakes are that I am making.
Last year Racerdragon suggested that I started on a short story as just a practice project and while I have written some things I have yet to do any kind of prose story involving Cikyla or any other character I have made up myself (or fan fiction based on any existing character(s) )
I have not had any idea I really felt I could tell a story with or if I had an idea I find it very difficult to work out a complete plotline for. And then there is my frustration with my own lexicon which I find very lacking. (how to describe things so that people can visualize it in their mind's eye, or the text having a certain dynamism that makes it grab and hold the reader's attention)
I also do not know exactly what kind of stories I want to tell with Cikyla.
Well I would like to take inspiration from some of my favorite comic series in the present or in the past such as Tintin or Donald Duck when they are engaging in an adventure that sends them to distant places and look up the mystery and confront danger. Those are themes that really appeal to me and that is what I would like to do with Cikyla and other characters, her being this globe-trotting adventurer whose jobs or missions take her around the world.
But there are some difficulties with that.
I have been trying to think of various settings and themes.
My original theme was something like Hellboy and the BPRD, Cikyla and my other characters being these paranormal investigation agents that look into any supernatural and protect the public in general from it.
Thing is that I don't know that much about various countries' histories, cultures, and mythologies and that would be very important for something like this.
Another setting I have been considered is one inspired by Boktai, a favorite Gameboy Advance series of mine which is sort of a combination of Gothic Horror/Castlevania and Spaghetti Westerns.
My characters living in a world that is overrun by the Undead (not just zombies) with most people living in great cities that are almost isolated from the outside and various small settlements spread between them, sort of like Western frontier towns.
Cikyla and other characters would play the role of Gunslingers or Rangers whose job it is to protect these small settlements (the major cities are protected by the Church's army and the city militia/guards) from the Undead and their dark masters; the Nobility, people and beings who have given up their "humanity" in return for power and immortality, who wish to put the entire world under their control.
The world would be a sort of mix of early 20th Century/WW1 level of civilization and technology (though there are remnants of advanced technology from the past and some modern technology that is WW2 and perhaps beyond), magic and the supernatural, and gothic horror.
Still that does require some understanding of various cultures, mythology, legends and so on.
And then of course there is science fiction but I have a tendency to quickly think of Star Trek and Star Wars like settings when I much rather would like to go for something different.
In one video I watched about world building it was suggested that I should perhaps write something based on my own experiences, but I have nothing worth talking about because of what my life is like.
Plus some details have become unclear over the years.
Okay that becomes rather self pitying which is not my intention but I do not feel a lot of my own life is very inspirational to tell a story about, there is little meaning and purpose in it.
Now that video did talk a bit about why not to linger to much about working on details and at some point just start but that leaves me stuck with that I do not know what to start on.
Here is a link BTW, I found it interesting to watch; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2056pPqISQo
As for commissions, I have commissioned something from Shonuff44 I hope to post here as soon as he has made it but that might take a while
What commissions I have had made in the recent past are for my own enjoyment and I have my reasons why I do not put them online.
I don't want it to give me a certain reputation that may haunt me in the future at some point but it is also the type of feedback such uploads might get I do not really like.
People should not be worried that they miss out on much, by Fur Affinity standards it is pretty generic material.
I have in the past considered opening a separate account for these types of commissions or have the artists who made them for me put them on their own accounts but at the moment I prefer the current situation.
Finally a honest to goodness update!
General | Posted 6 years agoLittle late as I posted these drawings an hour ago but I have some new panels of my skunk girl that I feel comfortable about sharing.
Not much else to say really what I have not already said/wrote about in previous posts.
Occasionally I wonder if I should put so much into the skunk and other characters (money, energy etc) as I feel that I can do so little with them other than commissioning drawings from others.
Sometimes I feel I am wasting my time and other people's time by constantly talking/writing about what I really would like to do.
But truth is that my interests and passions have been declining over the years, because of depression and other reasons and the skunk is one of the few things left I actually give a damn about. That makes it double so hard being all talk and no action.
More skunk, tiger, red panda, and other critter stuff one day in the future.
Not much else to say really what I have not already said/wrote about in previous posts.
Occasionally I wonder if I should put so much into the skunk and other characters (money, energy etc) as I feel that I can do so little with them other than commissioning drawings from others.
Sometimes I feel I am wasting my time and other people's time by constantly talking/writing about what I really would like to do.
But truth is that my interests and passions have been declining over the years, because of depression and other reasons and the skunk is one of the few things left I actually give a damn about. That makes it double so hard being all talk and no action.
More skunk, tiger, red panda, and other critter stuff one day in the future.
A single new upload
General | Posted 7 years agoI have uploaded a single panel today of a sequence I am having made.
Hope to have some more new panels next year of the skunk, the tiger, and a couple of other characters I would like to have designed next year when this sequence is finished.
Hope to have some more new panels next year of the skunk, the tiger, and a couple of other characters I would like to have designed next year when this sequence is finished.
And even more Cikyla commissions
General | Posted 8 years agoA little late now as I uploaded the first picture an hour ago and then spend about forty minutes getting the last online, but here is more Cikyla (and some Elsie) for you all to enjoy
Some new Cikyla commissions to show
General | Posted 8 years agoHello all,
Finally a new update to my FA page, it has been a while since I last posted here even though I come online every day to check if there is any new art to my interest.
And I happy to write that I am adding this post to several new drawings I commissioned and uploading alongside it.
Ronzo as usually has made some pretty drawings again based on the commission ideas I send him.
Others may prefer ZigZag, Chloe Sinclair, the Skunkwork girls, or Fifi La Fume, but for me the best skunk girl is Cikyla (though I do like Princess Asrial a lot as well), and one day I hope to make her a bit more popular as well among others when I am able to make some comic stories with her.
But for now it will have to stay with the few times that I am actually able to afford a commission during the year.
(occasionally I am tempted to open a donation jar/account. But why should people donate specifically to me? There are plenty of persons who would like money so they can order drawings or buy other stuff and it makes me look greedy. I also can not offer any reward or incentive for donations. If I was capable of making something good or providing a service I would have gone the route of selling those to earn money for commissions the proper way)
Finally a new update to my FA page, it has been a while since I last posted here even though I come online every day to check if there is any new art to my interest.
And I happy to write that I am adding this post to several new drawings I commissioned and uploading alongside it.
Ronzo as usually has made some pretty drawings again based on the commission ideas I send him.
Others may prefer ZigZag, Chloe Sinclair, the Skunkwork girls, or Fifi La Fume, but for me the best skunk girl is Cikyla (though I do like Princess Asrial a lot as well), and one day I hope to make her a bit more popular as well among others when I am able to make some comic stories with her.
But for now it will have to stay with the few times that I am actually able to afford a commission during the year.
(occasionally I am tempted to open a donation jar/account. But why should people donate specifically to me? There are plenty of persons who would like money so they can order drawings or buy other stuff and it makes me look greedy. I also can not offer any reward or incentive for donations. If I was capable of making something good or providing a service I would have gone the route of selling those to earn money for commissions the proper way)
