~Quickly, I'm going to say this first. I didn't save the logs of the person who said this, I will openly admit to getting defensive back early. I'm tired, and I could have been a bit nicer, but I tried. I know I'm not perfect, I know I'm not the best at being 100% nice. I'm okay with that.


Now, I know I've had a decently easy time of it coming out as bigendered, and being far more of a women lately. I understand that word women, implies plural, but you get the context of it. I have had friends there who support me when I came out as bigendered, I have made new friends who love the fact I'm a sexy girl. Hell, I think I'm about 10 times more awesome of a person now. However, I know I am a bit lucky in that sense also.

So when I was in a furry IRC room, and this trans women says she needs help. I tried to be helpful. She said, her problem was facing again cissexist sentiments. Okay, I get it, people aren't treating you like the woman that you feel you are. Now, because I've never felt much discrimination for being a guy who looks like a girl in the strictest of sense, because for all the moments it upsets me for half a second. I choose not to let it effect me beyond that. So, I went in when a very open my to some heart felt stories about feeling down and out.

When I start to get corrected over accidentally typing women, and assuming the person was a transwomen, I'll bite the bullet and admit my fault. When I get informed that there is more then just transwomen, and such. I'll take the hit. When I ask, well what do you need help with, and you inform me is because of people being dicks. When I ask are they friends, co-workers or such. Then you reply with, well the one guy is the person who you get your weed from, and that if you stop being their friend you'll only look like more of a bitch. That they are also friends with the gender queer person who you like, and don't want to cause conflict with them. Don't get upset when me for saying, then I guess deal with it?

That is what I would say to anyone, and I thought over it, and said sorry for saying it like that. However, I took from that, that weed, and this girl was more important then you not being called she. I'm sorry, but I learned from a very very good friend, that when someone upsets you, or seeks to hurt you. It's best to never let them do anything at all to you. So, when you ask for help on how to handle people being mean, I'm going to respond with, well people are mean, so just hold out. Don't let them get to you, or hurt you because they aren't worth that power. I am sorry if that hurt you.

However, turning back and telling me I should go kill myself, and I deserve to die because I'm heartless. Will earn you no points, telling me that all you can feel is angry at everyone, and that it's making you vomit up black stuff from ulcers, will make me not feel sorry for you. When all you can do it intermittently insult me, and then ask for help. Why? Because telling me I deserve to die, is never ever going to make you a nice person. Throwing yourself a pity party around me isn't going to help you. I've been around the block, and I know I have a few more blocks to go. However, I know when to admit it's not everyone else all the time, and learning some humility when asking for help is something you should learn when you're young.

The entire conversation I had, felt like dealing with daggers being thrown at me. It made me feel like I was being attacked for giving what I thought was help, and then being pulled back in to be attacked again. Maybe I wasn't right, or maybe I've just learned that if I deal with how I'm feeling, and I choose to be happy I don't have to feel sad.

There was more to this, and this entire thing definitely makes me feel like the bad guy. Simply because I don't want someone who willing chooses to attack people after asking for help to feel attacked again. It's not the first time I've felt like I've been attacked by someone else who is trans for not throwing a pity party for them. When I came out as trans I knew I would get the bad with the good, and I choose to let the bad go. I get my insecurities, and I feel a bit lost sometimes. However, to be so attacked by other trans people makes me sad.

Sad that someone can become so indoctrinated with hate and fear, they only know how to be a mean and nasty person. I just don't get why... Why, when you finally feel like you're on the path to who you truly are, you would feel anything but joy.

That phrase single-handedly drives me up a fucking wall. I've been hearing it more and more, because as I've embraced my more female aspects, I am in that sense going to be a bit more flamboyant. But now I've been hearing, you're the gayest person I know, or you're so gay.

Then whenever I get grumpy with that, they say well you are gay so. First off, I'm not gay I don't know what I am, but it's not just a love for men. So frankly, you're phrase there is wrong. Or, we're all gay here. Either way, that is not the reference you are using. I know it, and you know it. You're using it in it's derogatory sense in that way, and that is the only way I'll ever take it because that's what you mean. You mean to say, I am not the up tome of what a male should represent by being more girlish. I am not reassuring your ideals of what a male should represent therefore you go to calling me gay.

I've heard that phrase all my life because I'm not super masculine who acts like a "boy". I like sports, I like working on stuff. But I also like feeling pretty, I'm not afraid to get dirty or do some actual fucking work. However, I damn well love to look good doing it. Oh, you're gay so that makes it okay for you to use that word like that? No it's not, because you're not using it in reference to me liking men. You're using it in reference to my actions which have no correlation to sexuality.

The fact that I'm hearing it from a bunch of hypocrits is just the icing on my rage filled anger with people. I'm tired of being made to feel less then others who are so insecure with themselves they need to belittle my actions. Knock it the fuck off, it's not making me feel less then, it's making me think you're an annoying prick who's spent the better part of there life hating themselves and their sexualities just so they could make others feel worse. I've dealt with it my whole life I don't need to deal with it anymore. I am confident in how I am, and you saying that only makes you look immature.

No, I will not ever accept any defense for anyone using the phrase oh you're so gay or such. Period. The fact that my local furries keep trying to defend it only pisses me off more.


p.s. Oh, and if you say well gay means happy, fuck you, you moronic piece of shit. No. That's not what I mean, and using the different ways to say gay doesn't change it. If I walked up to a black man, and called him a lazy nigger, are you gonna say that phrase is redundant because they both mean lazy? No, you're going to call me racist and I'm gonna get my ass beat. Fact is, words change. Get over it, you pretentious prick.

Yes, I've still been working out. I just got crazy sick through January to February like I always do, but progress is being made in that regard.

On to the real issue, me being more of a girl. I've dealt with it since I was in high school, I just kinda denied it for myself for a long time. But with talking with a local furiend, it's made me being ok with it a lot easier.

Now for my own personal and religious reasons, I can not go for being transgendered. [Again it's about me, not anyone else.]

However, I am going to express my bigendered self more readily. Because, if I can't be happy being myself, around people I like, what should I be doing? I am just scared of it a bit, because it's a big step towards over coming somethings I've struggled with for a long time.

Well, i started working out again last Wednesday but i am back into my level I was before I got super sick for that week and a half. Unfortunately, I went from 153, to 148 in that time some how. Which is a bit frustrating, but usual for me. I don't look like i lost anything, but... I'm constantly in an up hill battle to gain weight it feels like.

Hopefully, I can get back to eating a bit more, although my income was dropped for a bit due to being sick, and the BS with my other job.

On a side note, my calfs look so sexy.

Isn't on hold, I've just been very busy, and very sleepy, and rather sick. So, well I still have been working out, I just haven't been posting it.

I have been trying to incorporate more free weights into my work outs. But until I kick this stomach flu/cold bug I am gonna be on hold.

I worked out monday but didn't post, I worked out wednesday but I had shit to take care of.

My workout was a bit typical of my usual workouts, however that is going to change up I think. I've been working out three times a week, but I think I need to add in more food. I also need to figure out which work outs are working best for me I think. Hrm.

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2869516/

Is drawing an orgy. So I figured I'd adverstise. :3

Ugh~! My ankle was not happy with me doing my leg workouts again.

I did my usual walk/stretch, then I went to... Squats!

Yay! 12 at 15 pound, then I did 2 sets of 10 reps at 25 pounds.

Then, I did calf machine at 3 sets of 10 reps at 90 pounds.

Into! Lunges 44 total with 25 pound weights.

Then I did the mid-row machine at 164 x 3.

I may start using this journal for more stuff but... probably not.

So my sprain was still a bit sore, but I really wanted to get back into it. I want to gain some mass so back, it makes me push a bit harder each time, and I'm starting to love it.

I really enjoyed my workouts at home, but the ones at the gym just seem so much fuller.

Today was mostly upper body, I did some light stretches.

I did 8 x 3 at 160 on the pec machine, [however, this one was a bit older, and it didn;t have the numbers clearly labeled so...]

8 x 3 at 105 deltoid machine

8 x 3 at 165 on the mid row machine

8 x 120 at the tricep dip machine.

Then I did 45 lunges with a 25 pound weight.

Was decently sore, but we'll see. I got to work my overnight shift after that so lol

A few things happened. I was able to work out friday, but unfortunately monday I sprained my ankle pretty bad. So I am on a bit of a hold on working out, until I can walk reasonably. I should be able to work out tomorrow but, I can't do leg work outs until next week.

Oh did I mention I didn't post friday because I was in a minor car accident? Fuuuu.

I was just posting this on FA, but my LJ isn't used for anything! :D

Work out Day 10 - Day 8 Skipped due to being tired.

Day 8 work out - 6 x 3 of dips/chin ups, 36 calf work outs, 80 lbs x 20 squats, 8 + 6 + 6. I did some push ups, and 45 second head stand.

Day 10 work out -
I was a bit disgruntled when I got there, mostly because I've been upset the past few days. So to get there, and find parking for 100 full made me want to leave but! I worked out anyways.

I started with the typical quarter of a mile, steep quick walk to increase my heart rate. I may start doing jump rope though for that, since I'm not trying to loose weight I try to limit my cardio. After that, I did my stretches, then 6 x 3 of an increased sloped push up. Off to the pec machine/deltoids machine. I did 6/8 x 4 reps of each, at an unsure weight because the weight was off. Roughly, around... 170-180 for pec, 115 for deltoid. I wish I knew a better free weight work out for it though.

Then I did 44 lunges with a 45 lbs weight. With 20 sloped push-ups, and a head stand for 1 minute.

Thoughts -

I've definitely began to notice changes in my build, and such. No one else has, and with being a bit worn out, and down. I wish I could have gotten a bit of a confidence boost but! I'm good I think.

Food -

This is my new one, since I've started to watch what I eat.

Every morning - a smoothie, with 6 whole strawberries, and one whole small/medium banana, with half a cup of yogurt, and about 2 cups of almond milk. I add some protein mix sometimes, but over all this is my power breakfast so good!

Typically I work about 4 and a half hours with out a chance to eat. I'm gonna try and bring a snack bar with me. Simply because I get a bit nippy near the end. Then I come home, and half about a bag of boil in a bag jasmine rice, and a medium sized salad with cheese, and some form of meat on it. Then I nibble on either a snack bar, almonds, of some such on my brake at my next job, then i get home and have a pretty big/decent sized meal. Then a small snack before bed....

Wake up - 10:30 Am
Smoothie
Work - 11:30 Am
Home - 4 pm
Salad/Rice
Work [ Either start at 5:30, 6, 6:30, 7, 7:30 or 8 Pm.]
Break/Snack
Home/Gym [Mon/Wed/Fri] [Almost always after 10 pm.]
Eat - Typically around midnight.
Snack typically around 2 am.
Sleep, Repeat.

This is my end of the week journal, I skipped Wednesday because I was to tired and busy Wednesday evening and Thursday to post. So today~ I'll post~ :3

Pec Machine - 165 x3 at 10 reps each

Reverse of it - 110 x1 8 reps, 90 at 10 reps, and then my arm stopped working for me at 8 on the last one so I called it.

I think a Calf work out, which really worked, I had tried it before and didn't put enough weight on. I put on 240 pounds, and felt it this time so~ I did about 8 reps of that 3 times.

3 sets of 10 squats at 35 pounds on a 45 pound bar.

[Wednesday, I had done dips 8 x3, and chin up, 8 x3 and so my arms were still really sore. Those are much harder then they look. Wednesday I just tried a number of things to see which I liked best. on top of 36 sloped push ups. ]

Thoughts -

I am trying to push myself harder, and just see my limits. I am not wrecked after every work out, but I have a hard time finishing out the lasts of them. Like my body just can't do it. I think perhaps because I don't go fast, and I go slow it might be why I feel like i can go more, but when I try to I just can't. Hmmm...

Technically speaking, this is my work out day 1 for my journals. However, I started working out again more recently since I'm no longer constantly sick, and can work. I was working out at home, but things were to cramped and such for me. Being 6' 5" trying to work out in a very small space isn't easy when I do mostly body weight work outs.

Work out :
12 at 135, 10 and 150 x 2 at the pec machine.

12 at 90 x 3 on the same machine for reverse deltoid.

[Honestly, I could probably do push-ups for this. However, I like the machine and I'm not sure how to rep it with free weights.]

I did 46 squats, 12 with out a weight on the weight bar, and 24 with 10 pounds on the weight bar. I am not positive I did them right. I know I had proper form however, I looked awkward with the bar.

I did 10 tricep dips, before I got to tired and went on to lungs, and another exercise I don't know the name of [works the calfs.] I did 46 of the calfs, with stretches in between each rep. Then I did 44 leg lunges with a 25 pound weight. 22/22 with a 45 second supported Handstand in the middle of it.

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Music : Adele, and DJ Masa, with a bit of Glee. What can I say? I like fun music.

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Thoughts :

The reason why I dislike this gym, is because a lot of people from my high school work out there. Now why is this a concern? I was much gayer in high school, and a lot of them didn't like it to much. Simply because I like the... football builds, and they were all footballers. So I can't really use free weights. As much as I wish I had a friend there, to help me. It is simply to awkward to deal with.

I don't think any of them would do anything mean to me, but I'm not about to get much help either. Especially since I am a skinnier guy. I'm tall, and I'm not really tiny but I am not big either. It's just weird, and I'm still rather sky when I feel stares, and have no one there to give me a boost. So it makes me second guess myself.

As a side note, which probably doesn't help my case. When I first got into the gym, and was changing. Mind you, I change in the little side area, the big area I let others change in. However, two short but very stocky dark hair, and very handsome. They changed in front of me, and I swear I try not to look at others, but when you purposely go out of your way to stand in my line of site. I'm gonna look. I tried hard not to, but I can't fault myself for appreciating the way others look.

I was supposed to hit the gym tonight, but due to a series of events I have to wait til tomorrow.

I want to start doing squats with a weight bar so that will be my first one to try. I heard they are really good with a weight bar, I've done them a lot without it so hopefully the transition isn't to hard.

Goal weight : 180

Starting weight : 155 (ish, closer to 150 on the whole right now.)