It's exciting. I get to see all sorts of things I'd never see otherwise. I feel like I have a purpose again, for now.

On another note, is it just me, or is the PM system here broken? My entire inbox/outbox has been erased, and the last two I've sent haven't registered either. Is something going on I don't know about? It's a little confusing and I don't know what's going on....

Alright!! :) I got a job with the census. I'll be making my rounds as an enumerator soon enough!

Okay, back!

Looks at top (117 new submissions). Whoa!!! Bit more than usual!

Well, as of tomorrow, I'm going to disappear until April. I hope everyone is alright when I get back! Hopefully, I'll be in a different and better state of mind when I do. Until then, C'ya!

Said the joker to... oh never mind.

And no, I do not mean a way out the bad weather currently sealing me in the house. I mean the more current, difficult thing that is sealing me in: my wait for an employer's offer.

As far as I am concerned, my life would be considered pretty good right now, but I don't have a job, and five days out of every week, I do the same job search for hours. I've been across the nation on the net about five, probably more times applying for numerous jobs, and not one of them has gotten past a second interview, not even the local stuff has contacted me after I put applications in. Should I be poking them a bit more afterward? I feel like the application is not enough sometimes. That and I need find the motivation to actually do that, and it's difficult, because I still fear getting a local job, and being stuck in it for years.

As an ASD type, I have a need for routine and sameness, but this has gone beyond sameness into the realm of flat. I rarely ever get out of the house, and as much as I have liked staying indoors and doing PC gaming (I still do), it just does not have that same adventurous gaming feeling anymore, even if it still can be enjoyable. As the journal title says, there has to be a way out of this. And perhaps I should also be careful what I wish for: I might end up getting it, and it might be more than what I bargained for. It's happened before. <crosses fingers and hopes not to have another bad episode>.

End of that, then. Perhaps what I really need to be doing is holding on to each stable moment I get. I might get few enough of those when I finally am employed. Hope everyone's doing okay!

Writing to occupy my time. Plus I like where this might go.

Since I've been thinking about them in action over the last couple of days, I thought I'd post some of the more interesting details on my character here, namely his equipment.

When I gave previous details on him, I hadn't thought about it much, but my character, despite having laser light as an element actually has no real powers of his own. The transient wings that appear at heightened emotional states are just for show, and part of genetics. Instead, when performing or fighting, he uses a complex series of floating robotic prisms and lenses that can project a sort of cohesive plasma between them to form a straight beam of energy. Using a thought and motion activated control system, he can project up to 8 of these beams in virtually any direction he chooses, and when they are lined up the right way, he can use these devices to create some very interesting effects through diffusion, reflection, refraction, etc. Think of all the ways one can project energy beams in this manner simultaneously, and it makes for some amazing visual imagery.

The armor he wears is also unique, though it is not the one pictured in mikewolfkin's model. It consists of an interlocking series of angular plates of bright colors that can reflect any known form of light. This helps him not to be damaged by his own beams, and makes things a bit more interesting when used in concert with the prism system. The coloration presents a much more visible target, but this is all part of the act, so to speak.

As a last resort, he also carries a cohesive plasma blade with him, though he is not particularly skilled at swordplay. He would much rather use the prism system, and it shows. However, when the two are used in conjunction, they become that much more effective.

I rather enjoyed picturing all of this while describing it. Hope it's as fun for your imagination as it is for mine!

NOTE: Journal is subject to change while I think about this some more.

I once saw a billboard around where I live about ten months back that went something like this:

"If 1 in every 150 children in the U.S. were kidnapped, we'd have a national emergency. We do. Autism."

I realize they likely meant low functioning autism, but I found this board insulting. Kidnapped? I had a happy childhood, and my parents would back me up. I don't think they saw me as some sort of... i-don't-know with their child trapped inside somewhere. Just my thoughts. What are yours?

CAUTION!! This will be one of my more moody posts. If you do not want to read about issues that deal with handling problems not un-similar to the ones I’ve posted about before, stop reading now. You were warned.




I did not want to start out 2010 this way.

As anyone reading this may or may not know, I am a man of mild to moderate social problems. This sometimes unpleasant fact has resulting in me having very few friends in my life. Heck, I don’t even come here all that often anymore. Granted, that has been changing, but that is not what this is about. It may or may not be a side effect of that, but in the absence of social contact (or social contact the way I would prefer it, which more often than not is not appropriate), it has been a tendency of mine to attach myself to characters, be they characters on television, art, real life representations, etc. Being an Aspergian, which brings some obsessive tendencies with it, when I am interested in something, it has my complete and undivided attention, or more often than not, preoccupation.

This brings me to the point. In the last decade, it has been the case that when a character or someone I was or am very attached to experiences emotional difficulties or pain, I tend to experience it with them, or just in general. This is taken to the Nth degree. It can leave me in a state of horrible depression for months on end, and it is rarely resolved quickly (mikewolfkin, if you are in fact reading this: 1. I’m sorry -and- 2. That’s how we sort of met, remember?). I have tried to avoid this happening again for the past few years, sometimes to the degree that I shut myself out from interests I feel could hurt me in the long run. Well, it’s happened again.

This time, I have become attached to a storyline in a webcomic written by someone here. I will not address this person directly, because I don’t really know them, and the last time I tried something like that, I made a long speech out of it directly to them, and I came off sounding like a creepy stalker. And if this person happens to stumble upon this (I doubt it), just ignore this. You have many other fans who didn’t obsess over this. Anyhow, it’s a little different this time. This story involved enough positive, negative, and primal elements to get me hooked, and now it’s a bit late to just walk away. If I don’t wait around to see the eventual continuation of this story, I may always be stuck at this point. That won’t do anything to stop my bleeding heart, though.

There are a number of different ways I could deal with this. I’m hoping that writing this will be something of a start. Might help me to vent. I also know of a song that might help me to let this out, but I still fear listening to it despite making progress in the fear of music department (see previous rants of insanity, and no, it has nothing to do with copyright. At all.) Perhaps this is due to the fear of the song becoming the driving influence in my life, which I don’t want. Or finally, if I listen to it, I might start trying other things I previously locked out of my life, and end up regressing to the point I was at four years ago. I don’t ever want to go back there, ever. And I don’t trust myself enough to open myself up to certain things for fear of going back again.

End of post, I guess. If anyone reads this, and knows of things I might try, thanks. Otherwise, I’ll be making another post shortly so I don’t have to look at this constantly. On the upside, my UTI, despite coming back at the end of last year, is finally showing signs of departure. The near OCD tendencies like excessive handwashing are taking a bit more time, but I’ll get there. I really hope all of you are doing better than I am at the moment. This roller coaster ride is absolutely insane.

This will be my last entry for 2009. After this, I'm on vacation until January.

This was a year of many changes for me, among them my master's degree and entry into the job market. I did enjoy 2009 as a whole, though there were parts of it that were difficult. I guess every year has them, huh?

Now, in 2010, I am hoping to clear the next big hurdle: actually getting a job. I cannot afford to overlook any sector of work now, and I have put applications in to a small number of non-degree related positions. Hopefully, one of them responds. My medical problems also seem to have cleared up for the time being, but I'm still in wait and see mode. Today and tomorrow will be spent with family and friends, either eating or sharing in gift giving, so hopefully, jobs and medicine will be the last things on my mind.

To all reading this, have a very Merry Christmas tomorrow, and an early happy 2010. I be around later! C'ya!

Wow. I rarely seem to post here anymore. It's not that I don't have anything worth saying, I just never get around to it. Anyway...

As it turns out, I've been walking around for the past two months or so with a bad UTI. I cannot stress enough how much these things SUCK. It was quite the inconvenience, and only after visiting a doctor and starting on a second type of medication are things beginning to improve. To anyone reading this: prevent this sort of thing happening to you at all costs. It isn't something you want to have to deal with.

Secondly, the house I lived in for over twenty years has passed to another owner, the move out having been completed at the end of October. It was difficult, but it isn't like I'm very far away (my other house being literally five minutes from that one).

Third, my job search is still not yielding much results. If this keeps up, I will be working in something like a restaurant. I've already put in an application for one such establishment in the area. We'll see how this unfolds in the next few weeks.

Other than that, can't complain. I have recently discovered the joy of online gaming, namely in Command and Conquer Red Alert 3. A coop campaign is infinitely more fun than single player, as everyone I've met is vastly superior to the AI co-commander. A great deal of them are outside the U.S., too. This just makes it more fun: it is awesome being able to chat with someone across the world while conquering/saving it :P.

Finally, I've also got a new computer desk, the result of the recent move, and I love it! A lot better than the table I had been using, and now I have shelves to store my stuff. In effect, it's given me my own little space for job searching, gaming, typing, whatever.

That's about it, then. I'll catch you again very soon. Have safe and merry Christmas! Bye!

I know I haven't posted for a while, and I think an update is in order.

I'm getting frustrated with my job search. I've had six telephone interviews and one very good live interview out of over 100 positions applied for, and none of them are getting me results. I'm starting to think I might be stuck in this for the next year. Screw you, U.S. economy, get yourself moving!

Other than that, pretty quiet actually. If anyone else stumbles across this, check out the awesome model that  mikewolfkin recently completed for me, it's a thing of wonder! See you all later!

Oh,  mikewolfkin is so going to hate me for this...

After three years of sticking with the cat representation, I've finally decided on a character change, but not a drastic one. Per my previous phoenix entry, I've decided to fuse my cat and phoenix characters together into what one might call Anthrofelis phoenicia, part phoenix, part cat (but mostly cat in appearance). The idea here is that he is not truly a phoenix, but almost one, striving to be one, and would identify very strongly with a true phoenix as a symbol (see my previous entry on phoenixes). He has the partial appearance of a phoenix, but mostly the personality of the cat character.

What this means: take how my cat character looks as a baseline, and the only changes are changes in color, and the addition of transient wings. The previous fur color was Russian blue, but the new one is a combination of a deep brilliant purple for most of the outer body, followed by the colors yellow, orange and red going inwards down the face. In other words think of a cat's head that is mostly purple stopping below the eyes, then does a smooth transition from yellow to orange and finally to brilliant red for the lower jaw and entire chest (think how a cat's belly is a lighter color than the rest of it starting with the lower jaw, and you'll get what I mean). Arms and legs are mostly purple with a yellow to orange transition starting at the inner elbow/knee joints and working its way to the red chest. The fur would be ever so slightly more feathery in appearance than normal, but not by much. The new wings are fully avian in appearance, and are quad colored, starting with purple on top and going yellow-orange-red to the tips of the feathers. Overall appearance of the wings (and the rest of him) is mostly purple, and has the appearance of living flames of these colors. They are also transient, only appearing when at the extreme height of positive feelings or combative frenzy. He cannot fly with them. The long coat/clothing has now changed color from indigo to a brighter blue indigo, almost the color of starlight. Finally, the new name: Rilind Azan Aden Algernon Ostargi (prefers the nicknames "Trip" and more formally, "Triple A". The first and last names are Albanian and Basque, respectively, meaning "rebirth" and "aurora", but he is quite North American in nationality/mannerisms. Oh, and Asperger's Syndrome stays too. To sum up, color changes and wings, but no other major changes.

 mikewolfkin, if you are reading this, and are already in a terminal stage of the original model, don't bother with these changes, I just had to make note of this, since it is a pretty big move in official character. And thank you for keeping at this all this time, regardless of your reaction to this.

In other news, I've had a fast past two weeks, and my job search has picked up. That's about it. I hope everyone's alright. C'ya.

<note: this journal is subject to change for two days while I iron out the quirks of this.>

I meant to post this like a week ago, and a few frustrating events have happened at home since then, but what the hey, consider this a late journal.

All of the events that have occurred in my collegiate career have led to this point. I finally can be called "Master of Education", or so the degree says. It became official on the 17th. Three days later, I turned 24. The week of the 17th has been one of reflection, relaxation and near non stop celebration for me. Top it off with the fact that June will see a triple graduation party for me and my younger brothers, both of whom are graduating or have already from college and high school, and I have a period that I wish would never end. It will, of course, but I will enjoy every minute of its memory. My long journey that started with aspirations for one career and ended with another has finally reached its end. For the first time in a long time, I have felt on top of the world.

Now comes the fun part. I am in the process of applying for various jobs, and even with the master's, the process is slow. One rejection so far, and several more to come, I'm sure. I'll be fine for a few months though (I hope). I hope everyone who's reading this has been doing well in my absence. I won't be around much for the summer, but I will still drop in, and perhaps I'll find a nice surprise or two. Take care, everyone!

75,000 keystrokes, 13,000 words, 43 pages. How does anyone survive these things?

I have finally completed the manuscript of my master's paper, though it still may require some editing. On one hand, this dwarfs every other assignment I've ever undertaken, and is some of my finest work. On the other hand, after this, I never want to academically write again for five years. This entire thing has been 3 months of slow work, and some of it was downright unpleasant. But here I am. If this helps me get a nice job, I have no complaints anymore. I hopefully graduate in May.

Well, that's all, I suppose. Heading out this weekend to watch my brother's college graduation. It's going to be 80 degrees and awesome. I hope everyone else is doing alright, or at the very least, surviving. I know I am, for now. See ya!

The title reflects both a very good Babylon 5 episode, and the state of my personal life.

Today, for the first time in ten months, I had a lapse in judgment where "naughty" stuff is concerned. It's made me realize some unpleasant truths about myself. The first of these is something I will admit straight up, even though I really don't like it: I like art and writing of a sexual nature. I would have a hard time believing someone if they told me that at least 70% of the male population between 18 and 30 didn't. But to me, it doesn't matter whether or not I like it or not, what matters is that I believe that to be a morally upright person, I am expected to avoid this kind of material. So, for the past year, maybe more, whenever something came up on this site or another that was even the slightest bit arousing to me, fetish related or no, I would get away as fast as I could. Usually, I also add the item in question to my personal "ban list". It's grown quite large in the past years, and a great deal of it has actually kept me straight. But now, this has made me face the second unfortunate truth about myself.

I'm a prude. There's really no kind word for it. That's the term for people who avoid most everything of a sexual nature. Anything I would even consider has to meet a very narrow set of criteria. And being a prude has made me both a hypocrite and an intolerant man. Yes, I have become intolerant of certain societal taboos. What they are, I won't say. But damn it, look at where I am (FA)! This place is built on every sort of tolerance one can think of, even if it isn't always practiced. That's what makes me a hypocrite, and I hate being one.

This is the price I pay for being so literal. I have to shape myself to be everything that expected of me by God, society, the status quo, copyright laws, everything. I might be able to do a good deal of it for a time, but ultimately, everything that I try and avoid is never truly gone. It's always there, hunting me through the darkest corners of my mind, either calling me back or leaving me unable to live with myself.

Barring something drastic, my life will continue to be a "war without end". I either have to practically be a prude, or lapse into an uncontrollable maniac. I still don't know whether it's better to be prudish and stringent than relaxed and possibly fearful. I might find long periods of stability out of it, but I have yet to find a middle ground. I don't even think the term "middle ground" is in the Aspergian vocabulary. There's got to be some way out of this cycle of fear and guilt, and I've got to find it. I'm getting tired of dealing with it. I can only hope it happens someday soon.

Well, I guess I'll deal with that previous unpleasantness on my own time. For now, I've had an interesting idea lately: a new fursona.

For the past few years, I've undergone some major changes in my life. All were different, and not all were pleasant. Some were "trial by fire", if you will, both personal and academic in nature. And from that fire, I've come out better each time, having lost a little or a lot of the life I was living before. I don't doubt I'll have a few more experiences like that before my life is over, and I'd like to have something to identify that with. Therefore, my proposed alternative fursona is a symbol of that which can die and be reborn again, in choices, personality, habits, and influences where I am concerned. It is a creature of myth which I have always liked and have recently been strongly identifying with: a phoenix.

Meet Jase, my anthro-phoenix side. He shares many traits with my cat side, the Asperger's, the senstiveness, the awkward social tendencies, the kind demeanor and so forth. His elements are both flame and light, plus he can fly, which is always a bonus. However, he is more noble in personality. He has been reborn a great many times, so has been through adversity, but it has always made him stronger, and in the process more tolerant of changes that take place in his life. He has learned to love himself a little more with his experiences, something I desperately wish I could do easily. And he's a warrior, determined to be the best at what is expected of him, and armed with a strong sense of justice, outraged by the awful indignities that are suffered by those he believes are not deserving of them. He is a representation of a casting off of old ways, bad influences, or troublesome habits. He's very much like me in many ways, and at the same time, I desperately want to be like him in many ways. He is by every definition a phoenix.

I'm not sure whether to make him an active alter ego of mine, as he's not 100% me, but rather what I am striving to be. I'll have to think more on this as it develops. I just thought I'd just put it out there. Comments are welcome! Hope all of you have a great spring break!

Currently Listening to: my conscience throwing a fit.

URRRGGHHH!!! I hate getting myself into situations like this! A few months back, I took a unit on copyright law in a class. It really opened my eyes to the precise number of ways one can violate these sorts of laws. Since then, everything I seem to enjoy is taking on a sort of illegality, and sometimes immorality, in my eyes. My former rom collection is no more. They had to go, the arguments against made too much sense for me to ignore. Next, it was many mods to a game I enjoy. I'm a fan of a certain space combat flight simulator whose source code was released to the public about seven years back. Since then, a community I am associated with has made mods for it that included graphics updates, which I still see no problem with, or new models or spacecraft for it. Anyway, some of these included total conversions that created mods based on popular universes like Wing Commander or Babylon 5. Because of my interpretations of the laws of the land, even though they were unique things in their own right and were not being sold for profit, I could no longer enjoy them with a clear head, or at all. So they're gone too. And now it has come to this. I took pictures of the models of spacecraft, B5, WC, you name it, that people had constructed, and started my own private little gallery. Now from an ethical standpoint, I may have to ditch even those pictures. How might they be any different than owning a micro machine of one, for instance? How do I know it's not against the law as well?

I've gone too far, I know I have, but I cannot ignore these so-called voices in my head calling me a thief once more. I've already talked to a few people about this. It hasn't gone away. I need to resolve this soon, or it's going to hunt me down indefinitely. Ugh, did not have that good a day.

In lighter news, though, I'm 8 pages into my thesis/master's paper and spoke at a symposium on Friday. Go me.

And I'm better than ever! Or, at least, I will be once I finish this stupid thesis. I don't know how this will be accomplished, but I will do it. I must. Had a great holiday, with much food, drink, and merrymaking. Hope you all did too. Not much else, really. See you all around!

Hi all.

I'm going to be away for a while, likely until mid-January. It's been quite a year for me, and the next shows much promise with my thesis and graduation approaching. Oh, and I got straight As again. Go me. So to all watching, thank you for your advice and support (you know who you are) through the year, have a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year. See you around!

Let me run this down. I’m something of a pro wrestling fan, and this meme has to do with one of my favorite parts of pro wrestling: the music. Every character in that form of entertainment has his or her own theme song. I’ve noticed also that it can change over time whether that character is “good” or “evil”. My challenge is this: what would you consider your theme songs? Select one for a “good” you, when you are at your happiest, best, or things are going alright or steady, and one for a “darker” you, for use when depressed or any of those other wonderful feelings <sarcasm>. I’ll begin.

Dark Theme — “Answers” by Vigilante: This song portrays pain, the kind I usually find myself in when things go horribly wrong in my life, which is fortunately not too often (knocks on wood). I find myself remembering things that I’ve done that I’m not proud of or regret. I become a sort of “dead” inside, feeling hollow, wanting for everything just to go away. I drown in my own depression, I long for things to get better, and silently, I lash out, asking the same question asked in the song: “Why?”. Why do I feel this way, why can’t I do anything about it? And it continues, until I left in a state of depression that can last for months. (It’s still a kickass song, though).

Good Theme — “Standing” by VNV Nation: Thankfully, the times described above don’t last forever. Something or someone has always come to lift my spirits: an event online, a major victory by a sports team, a fantastic semester in college, a nice birthday, anything. It’s at those times I realize I can’t be afraid to feel good, for fear of everything coming crashing down. It might eventually, but that can’t be a reason for me to stop trying. What will change if I don’t? Nothing. This tune reminds me to savor every good moment that I can, and hope they last. It speaks of all that I could be, and all that I am. It reminds me that I have to move on from the bad, and when that happens depends on me. Most importantly, it reminds me to smile, whenever I can.

What about you? What are your personal anthems? I tag you, :mikewolfkin: , and one of my newly watched, :cooper: !

by VNV Nation.

I cried when I heard this song for the first time last night. It really puts a lot in perspective for me. It's lyrics speak to me, echoing many things that I am, things I have been, things I want to be. It reminds me to live my life as fully as I can. And now it is one of my many personal anthems/themes. To all who read this, listen to this song. Maybe it will speak to you too.

Redone so it doesn't disappear.

1. What is your character's name?
Trayus Azan Aden Algernon Tarusa (middle initials can be read as AAA)

2. What is your character's name in another language?
Not applicable, yet, I'll work on it.

3. How old is he/she?
23

4. What is your character's race/species?
Russian Blue Cat

5. Do they have a crush?
He did once.

6. Do they have many friends?
The list is starting to grow.

7. What planet is your character from?
A place of happiness, a in a Starfox-esque universe.

8. Does your character like to eat?
Often.

9. What's his/her favorite food?
Steak, lamb and strawberries (an odd combination...)

10. What's his/her favorite drink?
Pomegranate juice and Riesling.

11. Is your character annoying?
Sometimes.

13. Is your character loved?
He would say he's loved enough.

14. Is your character hated?
I hope not.

15. Is he/she emo/goth?
Not really emo, just sensitive.

16. Is he/she straight, bisexual, or gay?
Straight, but tolerant.

17. Is he/she a virgin?
Yes, but he's waiting for the right person to come along.

18. Name 3 hobbies
PC Games, Star Trek, singing.

19. Is your character normal?
By no means. He's got Asperger's Syndrome, just like me.

20. Is your character attractive?
By my standards, yes.

21. How does your character handle emotions?
He stresses out a lot about the little things, but he's usually quite a joy to be around, and really harmless, even when angry.

22. Does your character have other forms?
He kinda glows with an aura of power while dancing or singing.

23. Does your character overreact?
Often.

24. Is your character a criminal?
No.

25. Does your character go to school?
Yes.

26. What's his/her IQ?
125.

27. Does your character have a disease/curse?
Asperger's Syndrome can be a curse sometimes, but its really more of a paradox.

28. Is your character dead?
No.

29. Does your character have a family?
Yes, and they are very loving and supporting.

30. Has he/she encountered any tragic times in life?
A few.

31. What's the best time in your character's life?
Whenever he's happy.

32. If you could name one friend, who would you relate to your character?
My best friend, he has been a pillar of inspiration for me.

33. Is your character single?
Yes.

34. Has he/she developed any relationships?
Almost once, but it didn't work out.

35. Does she/he have an element?
Light, specifically laser light.

36. Do you role-play your character?
Haven't had the chance.

37. Do you write about your character?
I tried, but it's kind of stagnated.

38. Does your character have a bad temper at times?
Sometimes, but it's usually overreaction.

39. Does your character get depressed?
On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being often, 1 being never.....5. But that's because he thinks too much along the wrong lines, more than he should, and he's still not sure of where he'll end up in life.

40. What's your characters favorite animal?
Cats, of course.

41. Does your character have any fears?
He fears the apocalypse, and watching everything he holds dear crumble.

42. Does your character have any weaknesses?
Many, but he'll never tell.

43. Does your character look up to anyone?
Many people and/or characters are role models to him, but his father qualifies as number one.

44. Does your character like music?
Indeed.

45. What's your character's favorite type of music?
Epic Dance, Rave Dance, Hard Rock, Alternative, Video Game Soundtrack.

46. Is he/she impatient?
Sometimes.

47. What's something funny about your character?
He's incredibly gullible, to the point of extreme hilarity.

48. Name 5 nicknames
Tray, Trips, Triple A, The Laser, The Raving Enigma

49. Does your character curse?
Sometimes.

50. This test is over, what does your character have to say?
Nothing, just a soft smile.

So, again I venture back into the very unique environment that is grad school. I'm in a good place where classes are concerned right now, I think I'll really enjoy this semester. I even volunteered for one more credit in research topics (Ladies and gentlemen, mark the time, Triple A has officially lost his mind!). I've never actually volunteered for any extra work before! I hope this is as much an opportunity as I think it is.

Other than that, not much. Summer was awesome, most productive one I ever had! If I gave anyone the impression I wouldn't be around much, that was just not true. I am still here, I am still watching. Hope everyone's doing alright!

....by the above title I mean two things: one, the song by Motorhead which is stuck in my head, and two, my own personal line in the sand, which I have drawn and will try not to cross. The lyrics of the aforementioned song seem somehow appropriate........."I've seen the line in the sand, time to find out who I am...."

All of this refers to recent concerns and events that I've talked about here. I must learn both not to idealize people in the real world, especially ones I've never even met, and to practice a fair degree of restraint in my life. Tonight, perhaps in less than an hour, I'm going to have a long talk with one of my parents, to get some perspective and to see exactly where I stand on these things. I hope I can start living a stable life again soon.

In other news, summer classes are going great, As all around! To anyone watching, thanks for reading. C'ya.

Music In My Head: "Behind Blue Eyes" by Limp Bizkit

It's not generally something I wish known by anyone at all, but I have some pretty freaky fetishes. What they are, I won't say. However, while they may provide a massive turn on at any one point in time, they also bring with them incredible guilt. I am ashamed of what I am due to them. I want to be free of them, mainly because I am trying to be a good Christian, and these odd interests pose something of a problem.

I thought I'd found the way to block them a year and a half ago. I came here, and to the furry community in general, and found many artists whom I was proud to call inspirations, even muses. After reading their journals, here and elsewhere, I became convinced that there were more important things to do with my time, and that if I could fight my urges, there would be some positive divine influence on their lives, and by extension, mine. For one year, it worked. I was clean. I was restrained. And I was happy, mostly because they were happy. Simply because I found these artists, I was able to suppress everything I now believed to be "bad" or "sinful". One year later, I find that nothing lasts.

Many of those that I have derived joy from watching have encountered unfortunate events in their lives. They have experienced breakups, unhappiness, depression, etc. In some cases, what happens breaks my heart too much for me to be around their sites or pages anymore. Many would just say "stuff happens", or "why should it matter to me". But this is what I am, and I can't escape it.

In trying to get over my pain, and find something that will give meaning to me again, many of the impulses I had thought repressed at the end of last year have returned, and I find myself at places I thought I'd never see again, and I find, to my disgust, that I missed them. Without any meaningful inspiration, my voice of suppression is getting weaker. I still cannot fully commit back to what I used to do though. My whole experience with this community's certain members has been almost religious, a way that God or whatever you want to believe in showed me a higher road. That sticks in many ways, and to throw that away seems sacrilege.

So here I am, stuck between the inspirations that broke my heart through no fault of their own, and interests that I am unwilling to commit to. I'm drowning in a storm between the two, and I can't surface. Nothing I try seems to produce any lasting results. I don't know what to do anymore. To anyone on heaven or earth listening: help.