My Mother passed away on the 11th, I am still having difficulty processing the loss, and still working up the courage to go through her belongings. It has been a rough week but I am trying my best to keep it all together, but I fear that I might be sinking slowly back into the mess I was before when my father passed away.

Had a birthday today...well yesterday. Had work too, but I did treat myself by buying a Birthday Cake flavored icecream pint, and ate the whole thing. So that was pretty good.

I started this job back in August of last year, and today had me really upset.

I am supposed to do the garbage at my store, today I show up to work, and we are completely out of trash bags for the cans I am supposed to empty.

Monday we were given new rules by the boss, that say we aren't supposed to put up damaged products...today I go back to work, and that product is back on the shelf, so I text my boss and he says "So long as it isn't leaking it should be fine".

We also have rules that state, we should only put products in their properly labeled slide...but most of the slides aren't labeled properly...so ...basically in ONE fell swoop, they made it impossible to do my job, by applying new rules that I am not capable of following because the people who made the rules are using their own discretion to make exemptions to the rules....

On top of that there was a girl today I work with who was singing in the store, loud enough that I could hear her from the back...meaning it was loud enough to disturb customers...so I go and ask her to tone it down, suggest maybe humming instead, and she starts yelling at me about how I was implying she was annoying, and that comments like that make her want to kill herself...and then she stormed off crying and hid in the bathroom before I could clarify what I meant...so she basically implied that I was the bad guy which I can't stand...especially if you try to guilt me about feeling suicidal from an innocent comment.

Hope you all had a wonderful Holiday, and that you are looking forward to 2018.

I have been looking into these things called "Escape Rooms." Apparently the premise is, there are rooms with specific themes that you go in with friends, or by yourself if you don't mind being grouped up with strangers. Each themed room has a specific goal to it, and you have an hour to solve puzzles and decode riddles to figure out the solution to the room to escape or accomplish the goals of the room. I have some in my area, based on Sherlock mysteries, a couple based on spy themes, and some based on Houdini. I want to try them but I can't afford it...

IT SUCKS BEING BROKE!!!

As some of my friends may know, for the past one and a half years I have been in a 'Job Coaching Program' in attempts to find myself a job that was nearby that I could work despite my mental conditions. After 1.5 years of stressing myself out, and many anxious stressful nights I am unable to continue moving forward with the program. I informed one of my job coaches, and we are hopefully going to work towards a better solution, all that is clear at this point is that if I continued the present course of countless cycles of stress enducing interviews followed by crushing rejections over and over with my options growing smaller and smaller by the day that I would be rapidly approaching the condition I was in back in 2005.


Fresh out of Basic Training and with nothing but ambition and ideas, I found myself in a very bad place in terms of my anxiety and my mental conditions, I was in the Army Reserves at that point, working a job at Walmart, and trying to juggle school on top of all that. I was 17, having just turned 18 that October, but the stress was monumental. I went days without proper sleep, and when I was awake I was literally quivering the entire day with dread from my mental conditions. I ended up having depressed/suicidal thoughts, and I was trying my best to cope but things were falling apart. The only course I had was to remove the stress, as soon as I could, because by the day self-destructive impulses started to become more and more appealing as an alternative.

Even after leaving the Army, being let go from Walmart, and leaving the school system, it took me a long time to recover from my situation I was in. I continued trying to find some employment, which was way too difficult for me to handle considering I still wasn't fully recovered by the time I found those jobs. In 2007 my mental conditions got so bad that I looked towards getting disability from social security in an attempt to have a plan for my future because it was becoming ever prevelant that I was in no condition to hold a steady job. Fastforward to 2014, after almost 8 long years of fighting with courts to try to get disability, I was offered an alternative.

The Job coaching program that I entered into, was intended to help those with disabilities or are recovering from addictions, find work that they would be able to do, despite the fact they have circumstances outside the norm. This seemed like a Godsend, I wanted to enter the work force, to be a productive member of society and pay taxes and have a job I could be proud of. I worked with them, told them everything up front, and the work they do is great. The problem was, despite all their good intentions and affiliations, after 1.5 years...I still came up bust.

This in itself would not be an issue, the problem lies in the fact that my anxiety has been bearing back just like it did back in 2005. Their assistance has lessened the stresses in taking interviews and filling out applications and all that, but it is still there. After 1.5 years of stressing out and being anxious for interviews, applications, and cold calls, coupled with the heartbreaks and sadness that comes from being turned down from jobs that seemed like you 'had it in your hand'. I have reached a point where my anxiety is not easing, and those suicidal/depressive thoughts are showing up again.

That is my main reasoning for leaving the job coaching program, I cannot go through the rock bottom place I hit in 2005 again. It feels like I am trapped underwater in a deep sea. I can see the surface, and the occasional glimse of the sun reflecting down, but the harder I swim for it the further I seem to sink. My lungs are already burning at this point, and my vision is starting to cloud...I just can't hold my breath any longer, I can't risk drowning again, going back to that dark place of uncertainty like what happened back in 2005.

So through the office that was trying to help me find work, we are going to see about applying for disability again, hopefully with their assistance and their testiment on my behalf that they tried to find me work but were unable to because of my mental conditions, I will have better luck this time around. I was at a tipping point, and this is the only alternative that is left open to me at this point in time. I thank you all for reading through my ...well it is basically a life story at this point, but I thank you for all the support my friends have given me up to this point.

Wish me luck, hopefully something good will happen with all the suffering I have tried to force myself through for so long.

http://www.astro.com/cgi/atxgen.cgi?btyp=cf

I did this thing, it was pretty darn accurate for me, if anyone else takes it let me know in replies how accurate it was for you.

I am absolutely worn out. The job is immensely tedious and it has definitely worn on me. The job has me moving and checking metal parts all day, checking them with 2-3 different processes. According to rough math I checked well over 1000 parts when most new people only check 700 or so if they are lucky...so apparently I was busting my ass pretty hard.

I start tomorrow, everyone wish me luck.

I am up so early this morning, I have a job interview at a local university for a Custodial position. I hope it goes well, and I will be able to bring back some good news for you guys, everyone wish me luck.


Interview is over now, my Job coach said I did well, here is hoping I hear something soon.

I had a friend stay with me last week, giving him and his wife a place to crash. I caught something from them and now I am sick, some sort of cold, my nose wont stop running and I have been sneezing my brains out. It sucks so much, but Its a small price to pay for helping a friend out.

I had an odd, interesting, and slightly depressing dream last night, that I can't really explain but Ill type out the parts I remember here.

It started off, as far back as I can remember, with me, goofy, and Lola bunny as well as Donald duck heading off to some sort of camp of sorts....Lola was dating a guy I knew back in highschool and he was one of the people who did not go to this camp thing. While I was away, I told him he could stay in my room because I would not be using it and he apparently needed some place to stay. Anyway, at this camp.... Lola bunny and I got pretty close, but Lola was acting....like a slut really, she tried sleeping with me, and she slept with goofy....and a couple others at this camp....We shared a sleeping area, so Goofy, Donald, Me, and Lola all basicly shared a couple beds in a room. Anyway, after a few weeks, Lola and I got pretty close....like I loved her in the dream...despite her sleeping with a bunch of people..and she got pretty close to me...After several weeks of the training, we finished the camp thing, and it was time to go back home. after I got home, apparently word had gotten out that Lola and I had gotten close in the camp, and the guy I knew from high school didn't like that, so when I got home, my room was utterly trashed....he turned it into a place to keep his birds....so my bed was covered in bird shit, and wood chips and shit. well after cleaning on that a bit, I got word that they were giving out awards to the best candidates from the camp....it was apparently a chalice trophy type thing that was filled with a white liquid...but there was a special thing about it, that the person who won it, if they gave it to someone, they would share the white liquid inside, and share their true feelings, and be together (corny I know). So apparently I won....for my performance in the camp....I in turn, gave the chalice to Lola....because I loved her in the dream, and had feelings for her. Instead of sharing the chalice with me she went over to the guy I knew from Highschool, they were dating before the camp.....and she felt guilty about sleeping around on him in camp, so she thought sharing it with him would 'atone' for her mistake. So I was heart broken....so I was up on the award platform looking down on them, hugging eachother with the chalice between them, still full of what ever the white shit was...and I smiled cause I was happy for them knowing that maybe she would be happy or better off with him, but she looked up at me with an expression....thats hard to describe, but it was like the look of someone who realized they made a mistake, and didn't know what to do....with a hint of sadness too...then for some reason I saw myself from her perspective, and in the darkness of the cloaks hood that I was wearing....I guess it was part of the outfit for the ceremony thing....You could see my pained smile, and tears streaming down my cheeks. It looked like something out of an anime, where the tears and smile showed up really well, but the rest of my face seemed muted and distant....then there was a cut, where I was back home....talking with my family about the camp experience stuff....then I heard a knock at the door, I got up to answer it but then I woke up before I could really get a good grasp on what it was that was behind it but for some reason my mind is thinking it was Lola, at least thats the portion that my brain filled in after I woke up, that it was Lola, and she had the cup....but I cant be sure.....cause I dont remember that potion, its just how my brain filled it in after I woke up...but I kept feeling remarkably sad.


I dunno why I had Goofy, Donald, and Lola in my dream of all things. Nor why I 'loved' Lola in my dream....considering as a character I don't think I had any particular attraction to her. Or why a guy I knew back in highschool was there, but I know that the feelings of hurt and betrayal I had in the dream carried on with me after I woke up....despite the vague resolution at the end.

I guess the rules are, you comment on this journal, saying one thing you assume about me, and I respond to it with an explaination if you are right or wrong.

I dunno if I can make it more fun or not, but how about, if you post an assumption, and its right, Ill answer a seperate question as well. Keep the Assumption and the question you want to ask seperate, but in the same post. If you don't have it in your assumption, I will assume you have no question to ask!

Have fun!

I just had a Catastrophic PC failure, If you have me on Furcadia, or anything, send me a whisper when you get the chance, so I can add you back to my whisper list. I am going from memory the best I can, but I may miss a few, so please message Wilhelm until I figure it all out.

I have a mouse in my house, apparently it is somewhere in my vents that run under my house. I took one of my vent covers off so I could see if I could see it running around down there since most of my vents are long straight shots. While I went to look for a flashlight, one of my cats decided she wanted to go exploring herself, and she got stuck (and by stuck I mean she got in, but could not figure out how to get out again). So I tried coaxing her out every way I could, eventually she parked herself in the vents, too scared to move...directly under my furnace. I just spent the past few hours taking my furnace apart, all the way down to having to take the heating elements out of it, and the blower vent so I could access the portion of the vent she was all to ready to make her new home. Pulling her out soon after, followed by me having to put it all back together. I just hope that when winter rolls around, I got it all back together alright, or else it is going to be a LONG COLD Winter, unless of course my house burns down.

So today I was called in for a job interview, and just as short notice, it had to be rescheduled due to an employee not finishing her shift, leaving the person who was to interview me alone on the job. So rather than close the store for the interview (which would be a dick move) we rescheduled for tomorrow! Wish me luck everyone!

http://color.method.ac/ I went and played this game about matching colors, and got an 8.2, friends of mine should take it and tell me what you scored!

I got my brother some Dried Scorpion Peppers for Christmas, he let me try it. So I took a pepper and pinched off a tiny flake less than the thickness of my thumbnail and ate it. It was hot, but not terrible, I can only Imagine how hot it would be if I ate a whole one though.

That is not the issue though.....the problem came later...I forgot I handled the peppers...and I went to rub my nose....Im currently typing this with such an immense burning pain in my nose that I can only relay it this way.

Imagine if someone came along, and grabbed your face, and ripped out every one of your nose hairs....at the same time....all at once, thats the first 3 seconds....now imagine them shoving a lemon up there too....

I am looking for an artist, to help a friend and I with a board game we are designing, we have the whole concept done, we just need an artist to do enough work with us so we can make a viable pitch to kickstarter so we can raise the funds to get it started and sold.

The Artist would be preferred to have drawn some Icons/symbols for us to look at, so we can choose the artist we think best fits what we need.

We had an artist before, but she had to back out because of personal reasons, but essentially it would work the same way which is as follows.

Details: During the project you agree to devote the art rights to our board game, sadly we do not have the funds to "Pay" right now, hense the kickstarter, but on completion of the kickstarter, you will get a portion of that to pay for the work you have done, as well as a portion of the sales from each boardgame we sell should you help us through the complete project. If you leave the project before the kickstarter is done, you will leave us the rights to the artwork you have done as to not put us behind and leave us with no artwork once it is complete. IF the kickstarter fails, despite you having done the work, we will disolve the rights to the artwork you have provided, that way your work will not be a waste of time, you would then be allowed to sell/auction off all the artwork you have done for us to recoup losses you may have accrued while drawing for us instead of standard commissions.

Art Style: We are looking for someone who has experience with, or could draw the following. Game Board, Symbols for tokens, Card backgrounds, Icons for various classes of NPC, and other items.

If any artist or follower has an Idea of who might be a good fit, or is interested, send me an Email or on Skype at Williambrown15[at]msn.com or you can contact me on Furcadia under "Wilhelm"

I was denied my Social Security claim again, apparently they saw no flaw in the protocol that the judge used to unfairly dismiss my case without an expert testimony on the case, and without interviewing the only witness I brought that day. So Monday I have to contact an attourney, I also have to get a couple written statements from those people whom I spend most of my daily life with to submit as evidence in my case when I try to get it again. I just hope I don't have to keep fighting like this because it only hurts me more the longer it goes on.

The day is not a total loss however, a family member gave me some tobacco pipes, I cleaned them up so I am going to have something more classy to smoke.

I do, and I posted my fond memorys here http://4playernetwork.com/forum/topic/226/. I really loved this game, I really hope that they will make another one some day.

Seriously, This is the most annoying thing I have encountered so far. My pawn, is directly tied to me as a player, All the items he has are used to assist me, and help me along, as well as help you along should you choose to use them. You get to see everything he has on him before you even recruit him, so you know what he has and what he could use to help me.

WHY IS IT THEN, That after Using my Pawn for upwards of several hours at times....do YOU think its fair to send him back to me....with a Rock....or a Rotten pumpkin? Rocks serve little use, and even if they had a great use, They are common...I can walk out in the world and have a rock within 10 seconds. Rotten food? I can sit and let food rot, and get the same thing you gave me.

If you use a Pawn, for more than 10 minutes, for Christ sake, give him at least an herb, or a potion or something. Have a spare weapon thats better than the one the Pawn is using that you or your own pawn cant use? Equip it to them, its not like money is hard to come by, Im level 30 and I have over 500k. It really helps the player that owns the pawn in the long run.

Basicly, if you use a pawn for a long time, that pawn is helping you out, without him you would get your ass handed to you. I tailor made my pawn to draw the hate off the player and keep the enemys focused on him so you can deal with dealing the damage and killing them, so if you can help him out then DO IT.

I have it on Xbox Live, I beat the Solo Campaign but Im looking for someone to try the Coop modes with and give that a go so I can form an objective opinion on the game, anyone willing shoot me a message on Xbox Live to "Burnt Baboon"

So in light of new information, turns out the game is Far less of an Elder Scrolls game than I originally imagined, its going to be a generic fantasy MMO, with Elder Scrolls Lore injected into it. The game is operating off the MMO Philosophys from back in 2009, when it was all about the grind, and hotkey spamming, and they are building a game based around that. Essentially making a WoW clone, and hoping to draw in players by saying "LOOK, ITS THE ELDER SCROLLS MMO YOU ALWAYS WANTED" ....Its like asking for a Chocolate Cake, and they throw down a Hostess cupcake "LOLOL ITS CAKE AND ITS CHOCOLATE, JUST LIKE YOU ALWAYS WANTED" No, I wanted a good experience in the Elder Scrolls Universe that felt as immersive and pleasing as all the other Elder Scrolls games. Not some Generic MMO with the Elder Scrolls Logo slapped on it.