...and it's really specific, and you have no idea who you could commission for it.

We try out best to make things better and it's a hard fight. Being vulnerable can hurt. When you don't even have the ability to be cynical, it can be even harder to know what to do.

On this site I am a ghost. I'm not consistent, and I've spent nearly the last 3 years of my life just.. being unable to focus or make things. If I changed now, If I found the strength to finally make things, would I find a community or friends? A meaningful one? How long would it last? But some of you are here, still. I dunno. That not knowing is hard.

There's things I love, so much. I love Undertale still. And I love Bug Fables, with all my heart, more than I can say. And all this love, It can feel like I have no where to put it, nowhere safe, anyway.

And yet I keep trying. In July of 2025 it'll be 3 years since I came up with an idea that I wanted so much to become a story I made. It's still in my heart. My instincts cry to forget it, all of it, but I can't. I need to create, to make. I still do, privately, but it's lonely and it hurts. I want time to stop so I have all the time I need to work through this agony and then begin creating.

I would give anything to have a community of writers and artists, even if we're not always making what I want most. I want to make things and discuss what we make, passionately, be there for each other. I've tried so, so hard to make it happen but this world drains us of our love and people struggle to like themselves and I am no different.

This holiday was a nice one for me. A lovely one. Things feel a little better, a little more hopeful. I hate that I've been unable to truly, consistently write for coming on seven god damned years because I let the hurt I felt from my trust being broken in others rule me. Selfishly I want someone else to "fix me", but that's not anyone else's job. I really just want people to trust. Maybe I'm finding a few in my husband, in new dear friends, in other friendships being reforged. And the holiday was a nice one.

I hope, for those of you who read this, who see what I get up to, who watch and fave my stuff randomly, had a nice one, too. I know a lot of you are quiet and new yourselves, but I love being reached out to. I wanna make things. I know it's hard. Maybe you've been burned. Maybe the way schools taught you to read and write completely screwed with you. Maybe you're tired of trying. But still, an open invitation is offered; if you wanna talk writing, if you wanna talk poof, if you wanna create, i wanna be here.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and a Wonderful New Year.

Politics is a battle, a game, a puzzle and a war with words.

If you call cancer a battle, some people will have the energy to fight. Some will crumble before the fight. If you call it a journey, some people will be happy to walk the road knowing there's an end. Others will become anxious with no easy goal to see.

If you call politics a war, people will wanna fight. They'll wanna slay their opponent, fearing their opponent will slay them. If you call it a debate, a discussion, a meeting of minds, people will fight that because they've heard it called a war for so long.

If we call people other and treat them like they're not us, then we will see them as such.

People want comfort. They will look to where it's easiest. I don't think that makes them bad. Just makes things a lot harder as we struggle to figure out where "comfort" is.

And a merry late birthday to me. And a happy new year to all of you.

I don't really post much anymore, for one reason or another. Though my heart is still deep into writing, my mind isn't so much. I want to fix it so badly, but it's hard to think there's much of a point.

I never wrote stories about pokemon anyway, and I certainly never liked writing stories about kids. AB/DL content and my weird mix of it with other fetishes encouraged me to keep things adult and mature. There's blurry lines, there always is when it comes to fantasy. Still, I prefer to think about adults doing these things, because I am an adult and I like talking to adults.

I have a lot of good memories of this site. Self-discovery, finding many of my friends here, blah blah. Real "coming of age story" stuff. I also have a lot of heartbreak here, enough I don't really have the energy to be super active like I was a decade ago.

I see people leaving, scrambling to other places, carving out there own. For my own feelings on it, it feels like another goodbye in a long list of goodbyes. It's hard to take, it's hard to accept, it's hard to deal with it.

Writing is hard. Making words is easy, but writing is hard. To make a story you have to care about it. When it feels like the world doesn't care, it's hard to care for yourself. I made things for my and my happiness, once, and that got me heartbreak when the world wanted to consume it, but not understand it. Writers don't get a community that tries to understand because no one wants to seriously make the tools. Writers have fragile egos because of how lonely it all is. Consistency is hard to maintain because what is the point? You make and you make and no one understands. We don't have a place or a space. We don't have a home.

I'm just screaming into the void. The people who would read this and care are gone and basically don't exist. No one will understand, not really. I want someone too. I don't want to be grim and edgy, I'd like someone to prove me wrong. Writing out these feelings like these, even if it makes them look concrete, helps me get them out of my head. Maybe because FA is fading I think I can just write out stuff here like a diary, knowing no one who matters will read it.

I'd like to care. I'd like to make things and know it's wanted. I'd like to do like so many others and say "I'm gonna go here". Would anyone care enough if I did? I wanna believe so, but I really don't know who would. I can share my stories with those closest, even if I don't have a community. Why post stuff into the empty *whatever*?

I'm not deleting my stuff from FA or leaving, and if I make stuff I care about I'll probably still post here. But I'm not gearing up to fight for a good place to stick stuff. All I'm really doing is passing along and wishing for a good place to share art.

Just wishing for a space I can be me and be accepted for it, writer, gamer, story maker, AB, weirdo and all. I hope we can all find a place like that.

31. I sure don't feel that old. I still feel 20, at best.

A lot changed this last year. Kinda sucks. Still living. In some ways, I'm happier than I've ever been, though. Thank you, to the dear friends I have ,and the friendships I've forged, for making life worth living. Here's to another lap around the sun. I'm still out of breath, but I wanna run the lap with you all.

My dream job is to be a therapist. I love helping people. I love feeling like I can make a different in some way. I love seeing people improve and helping them achieve what they want to do. What I lack in resources, I make up for in knowing how to have a positive mental framework and how to begin making the improvements you want to make.

What I don't have is a degree.

Hello. I'm not a licensed therapist. But I'm pretty decent at therapy-lite ideas. I have testimonials and people who can tell you I'm a good listener, and a good talker, and people who can tell you I'm pretty good at helping people improve themselves.

I want to do that. Even need to do that. I feel better about myself when I can help another. If people who see this are interested in that, I'm willing to be an off-brand life coach for a fairly cheap price (which is to say, nothing for several sessions). We all could use someone to talk to. Someone to listen to use in times of strife, and therapy can be expensive. If I can help, I want to. I'd like to at least try.

Message me, please, if you're interested, and we can work out times, schedules, how you want to go about doing it. I hope I can help you soon, if you need it.

I'm half making this journal at the suggestion of my therapist. Just to kinda get my thoughts out there in a space where I think it's safe to express it. At the same time, I also don't honestly expect anyone to do anything about this. I just wanted to vent, I guess.

I don't post as much stories on here as I'd really like to, and if we cut all the nonsense out that's on me. I'm the one who's not writing the stories I want to write. I'm the one not putting the effort to make them happen. If I really wanted to make the stories happen, I just would. Is the idea.

At the same time, though, writing with as much care as I like to takes a decent amount of effort. Light and fluffy pieces, in the strictest sense, aren't natural for me. I like a deep dive into feelings and emotions and sensations. I like to submerge myself utterly in descriptions and, most importantly to me, feelings. And that takes effort. A lot of effort. And especially time. That's time that I could spend working at my D&D job or making time with or for friends. Time spent writing is time spent not being with people. And when you're hard wired to crave human interaction while also being so traumatized from easily forming casual friendships (and even close ones), it's difficult.

What sucks the most about writing is how lonely it is. The parts of your brain it takes up to make it look good are a lot different from the ones you use while drawing, from what I've seen. You can't host a stream while writing and have a lot of conversation about the latest Sonic Frontiers game going on. If you're trying to write about characters sitting down to eat dinner, people talking about what Batman's been up to in the comics lately is distracting. When you're writing, you gotta immerse yourself in it. You gotta be totally in it. You have to go completely into the world, whether it's a world from some other media or one you've made.

When I first came to FA, I just wanted to make things. Write stories about things that made me happy during a really sucky time in my life. But then people wanted to be friends, too. They'd come up to me and say, "Wow, what you make is so good!" and then want to get to know the author behind the words. And then they want to spend more time with me, and in some cases want to get really close because my sincerity makes them feel good and loved and wanted. And I'm glad to do that.

And then they ask "Why aren't you more passionate about writing? Why aren't you writing more? You used to be more passionate a few years ago."

And then I'd say, because of all the time they want to spend with me. Perhaps they could spend more time making worlds with me? Helping me write? Helping me create stuff?

And they'd say, "Yes!"

And then they wouldn't. Something would always be in the way. Sometimes, sure, they would. But then they wouldn't be consistent. They couldn't keep up steam or passion for more than a day or a week. Then when I ask about them doing what they promised, trying to set it up so we can do it again, even if later, they'd say "soon, soon" or "once things calm down."

Soon never comes. Things never calm down enough. And I'm supposed to be okay with that. I'm supposed to just accept those promises and them not coming through and just... be okay. Forever. Instead of them just... letting the promise go. Letting me know it's not gonna happen.

It's hard to want to try and be consistent for people when people won't be consistent for me. Why make things for anyone other than myself? I'm almost... afraid to post things here. Half because I'm afraid of the lack of response I'll get (I wish more people would leave comments and make favorites instead of telling me over discord), half because I'm afraid someone else will promise me to help me and I'll have to dredge through all my trauma over the handful of people that expected me to be okay despite being let down, only to be let down again.

I'm fine with people not helping me write. My writing is my business and no one has to make it theirs. I'm fine if my fanbase is just 30 people. I prefer small groups, anyway. I'm mad people expect me to be okay with them promising and then not being there. I'm mad people expect me to be there for them all the time and then wonder why I'm not writing. I'm mad at people breaking my trust, then being so hurt that my trust is broken and not working with me to fix it.

I'm not done writing. But you know? Writing sucks. It's really lonely.

I host/Dungeon Master Dungeon and Dragons (and other) tabletop games, and I do it so well that I'm a pay-what-you-want service. Running games like this is hard work and I appreciate whatever someone wants to pay. Since I'd like to make a business out of this, here's some official advertising about it.

I'm most proficient in running Dungeons and Dragons, but I'm have many systems and I'm willing to learn others for you if you want to try something out!

I'm willing to run any kind of setting. medieval is what D&D is based on, but I also have some Final Fantasy-like settings and some Mass Effect kind of settings if you're into those kinds of adventures. Fetish games are off the table for now. If you want to play, these will be normie-safe games.


Times;
At the moment I have no set times, but Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Saturdays are my best days to plan something. Once I have enough players we can work it out. Once I have an official game going, I'll make the times, though I do/am willing to do multiple games a week. Not that I'm in central time and we'll need to work around that.

I also run games on Tuesdays at 5 PM (Cental time) and Sunday at 12:30 (Central time) that people can join.


Required materials;
A mic is preferred for communication during game, but text-only is fine if there's enough players that want to play the game that way. Otherwise, I'll provide rulebooks and other materials. I'll teach new players how to play and have plenty of homebrewed material to help you play the kind of character you want to play beyond the normal D&D boundaries.


Prices;
As I mentioned, this is pay-what-you want service. You can absolutely try before you start paying for anything. It's appreciated if you pay, but you're as much content for other players as you are getting to play. The only real price is respect, and what that looks like depends on what's happening in the games.


Simply message if you're interested. Bring your friends! We can try to work something out and hopefully have a good time~

I won't make excuses or call names or anything. I just wanted to express this small bit of myself out into the internet in the off chance someone sees this and it helps them, or maybe to help someone else not do something cruel.

If someone is toxic to you, it's okay to cut them out of your life. If someone has hurt you really badly, it's okay to not take their guff anymore. I support that fully. But also... it sucks when someone is trying their best and you don't even give them a chance. If someone has made it clear they'll never change, that's one thing. But to just cut someone out, out of the blue, without even telling them what's going on... it stings.

I won't name names. I don't even care if they read this. They made it clear they want nothing to do with me, even if I had to break a rule and common courtesy to hear that. I will admit I'm a flawed human. I try my best to be self-aware. I have issues. My biggest flaw is I hold grudges without meaning to. Not gonna make excuses for that. It was a learned behavior and I've been trying to unlearn it for a long time without help. I'm not good at it, though I try. I make mistakes and I'm not the best at comforting other people when I feel like I'm owed comfort for being so radically hurt.

Still. To utterly vanish on someone without even saying goodbye, and then to tell that person they're reacting angrily to a cold letter without speech or talking... that's cruel. That's utterly cruel.

I'm not going to ask to be friends anymore or beg, if that person does read this. I'll let it go, to prove I can. I lose either way. I lose a dear friend I love through letting them go, or I lose them through spewing vitriol and suffer consequences. I'm self-aware enough to not bother. I'll still miss them, and the fact they left me so suddenly and in such a cold way will hurt for a long, long time.

I beg anyone that reads this... don't hurt others this way. And for those that are hurting others, be okay with them telling you you're hurting them. Even if you're hurt, others are hurting, too, and more screaming doesn't help anymore than just doing nothing.

There's this neat, seemingly newish artist,  Dark_Ethna doing an art raffle! You should check it out~

LINK TO RAFFLE >>> https://www.furaffinity.net/view/44913592/

Bit of a random and weird thing for me, but after such a lovely service I felt a need to say something. As someone who has no clue how to advertise my D&D services, I felt a need to spread the word for someone who's just awesome.

I had a lovely hypnosis session with  SangriaSnake. They were kind, personable, and just all around accommodating and kind. That personal bit is the important part; they were accepting and knew just the right words to get me in the zone and be who I really want to be. I felt like the big fat inflatable flower I am deep in my heart. And Sangria made that feel like the truth, in and out of the actual hypnosis session. So if you're into inflation, balloons, diapers, confidence, self-love and things of that nature, this snake does it well.

Sangria does a lot of fun work; audio plays, sound scapes, and hypnosis. It's a fun and unique sort of thing even if you're not one who's susceptible to being hypnotized. And if you are, their work is a treat and pretty fairly priced. A personal hypnosis recording with all the bells and whistles is about $100, while a live session is $30. I did the live session and was just so delighted. Like all hypnosis, you have to want it for it to work, and it might not be a virtual reality simulator. But it was good and the best a quick hypnosis session could be in 30 minutes.

This brought me a lot of joy and I have to temper myself to keep from getting addicted to how soothing Sangria's voice and personal touches are. And aside from that, Sangria themself is just... wonderful. You can tell that the only reason they take money is because they need to eat; your joy is what they really, truly want. That sort of friendly love is worth the price of admission.

So, yeah. Go check out  SangriaSnake, please. They deserve business and I hope this sends even one person their way, cause they're just so great and lovely.

Also yes I still love Toby's games the most.

(Thank you all who still watch me despite never writing anything. I love you all. I'm just so lacking in energy dealing with life and the people in it. SOMEDAY. I will post an Undertale story. And SOMEDAY. I will make fetish content again.)

You know what I think kinda sucks? Being blocked without even interacting with a person. Just, you fave their art cause you like it and enjoy it. Next thing you know you try to fave their most recent picture and you're blocked. It's really kinda rude to not even say what's going on. And I know, a person has the right to block for any reason. But it's kind of rude not to even try to talk about what's wrong. Instead I'm just not allowed to know.

It's the end of the year!

Yeah that's all I got. Hope you're all well.

And a belated birthday to me. I hope you're all well~

I've gone to ACEN, Or the anime convention in Chicago. First time I've been to something like this. It's a little intimidating. All these amazing artists and nerds peddling their sometimes can based, sometimes original work. It's inspiring to see all these creative and shameless people.

As well, being less sedentary and not worrying about a job has cleared my head. I find my urge to sit around and do nothing fade so fast, that lethargy feels unfamiliar. I'm afraid of falling into it again. I need to change myself, of course, it's on me. Still. I wish I had some to make me get up, exercise, and do new experiences more. I don't want to lose this clarity.

But, looking beyond that, having oodles of fun with my girlfriend. We've explored and seen all kinds of neat stuff. Some if it I wish I could unsee. Japanese porn is a nightmare, holy frick.

Let's try to be more productive, hmm?

You know what I've always wanted to do? Be a therapist. It was my dream job. But to get a PHD, to make the human mind so... clinical. I feel that's wrong.

I want to help people. But I want to do it my way. I want to be a life coach. I'm going to figure out how to help people. It's a job I'd love, to assist people and talk to them. To be a mental support and talk them through life's complications at their pace, and to make sure both their time, and any money they might want to spend, is worth it.

Now to figure out how.

It's my birthday. Not much to say besides that. Sorry for not having much else to show.

I know it's a niche fetish. I wish I had something solid to post to read about, but I don't. Sorry to anyone expecting anything else.

I know I've been quiet on FA, and I'm working on making more stories. But I just wanted to let those who still check on me once in a while that I'm having a great holiday. My christmas isn't so green with envy anymore. :)

Cheers!

But! I'm hoping to have something to post soon. For all the people waiting, take heart, there may be something soon-ish. Expect padded poofy ponies soon.

On that note, I has something I'd like to suggest. I need money. We all do. Writing commissions hasn't worked so well, though, so I had two ideas to help it make it easier to write. I want to write and give everyone pretty stories. I know a lot of people would like that, but my life is hectic and my brain is often fried. So I have two suggestions.

1) Private writing lessons. Lots of people want to write, and a lot of people come to me for advice. Why not make a class of a sort out of it? I'd work with you, and it would be personal. I'd go over your strengths and weaknesses and encourage you, for an hourly fee. I'd make sure to be fair, if strict. It's your time to buy, and I would not waste it.

2) Donations. Because it would be nice to have something to fall back on so I can have time to write.

Is there enough interest in the first option that I could figure out if it could be done? Even if it was only one person.

What do you do when writing becomes a chore? What happens if you've spent 8+ years writing and then, all of a sudden, the desire is gone? What do you do when someone suggests that you should write and your groan because you feel like you're about to go wash dishes?

https://docs.google.com/document/d/.....QHYH1hY6Y/edit

Sorry, going through another crises of life. Let's see if we can at least chat things up.