I've been keeping a dream journal in an attempt to familiarize myself with my own subconcious. I figured I'd share.

My dreams are usually fucked so, consider yourself warned.


I was in a massive cluster of buildings connected by a maze of corridors. Every room except the chapel and banquet was all white. The chapel and banquet hall were both black and dark reds. There was an olympic sized pool, several conference halls, and a massive banquet hall. I don't why I was sent there but it was bliss.

The chapel had a series of clear glass panes on one end to let light in. The panes framed a view of a field and distant woods. There were several rows of pews, a stage, and a large organ on the wall opposite the windows.

The banquet hall was an elaboratly decorated room with a long table that ran nearly the length of it. Guests could eat as much as they wished.

The pool was fairly standard. No diving boards; just a few bouy ropes to divide it. The smell of chlorine was enough to erase your sense of smell.

I'm not sure how long I had been there but I hadn't slept at all. Strangely enough, I don't recall any bedrooms. Somewhere along the line, I must've done something wrong. I remerber standing and mingling with a crowd of strangers. The next thing I know, I'm laying on my back with my head through a hole staring up at the biggest blade I've ever seen. It seemed to fall in slow motion. I remember seeing the field and distant trees. The blue sky seen previously was now dark grey. As I struggled to free myself, the blade severed my head and part of my shoulder. I didn't feel it but I looked on in horror.

After a moment of shock, I stood up. My body was somehow able to see my shoulder and head. It started to run away. I was soon captured. The crowd of people I'd been chatting with earlied whisked up both pieces of me and carried them in the direction of the pool. I begged for them to stop by they didn't seem to hear my cries. They tossed me into the icy-cold water. I tried with every ounce of strength I had left to surface. The distorted celing turned from blue to pink to crimson as I sank. I tried to scream and woke up with a start.

I may or may not find a way to make this into a story.

The weirdest thing happened to me today. Of course, it's not uncommon for strange things to happen to strange people.

I was walking around Manchester all suited up and me and my buddy headed up toward the Red Arrow Diner. I waved at a cop parked out front and proceeded to walk up the street. He shone his spotlight on me and asked, "What's wrong with you?"

I stopped and responded, "nothing," as I shook my head.

He said, "take that thing off for a second"

I took off my mask and he shone the spotlight right on my face, looked me over and told me to "be on my way". I just kinda looked at my buddy, smiled, and then put my face back on.

I love it when the authority figure has a genuine look of "What the Fuck" on his face but can't do a damned thing about what he just saw. It's kind of a change of pace considering how I'm normally treated by Manchester Police Department. If you ask my friends, I'm not a bad person, I just have bad luck when it comes to police, security, and authority in general.

I hope he remembers this night for a long time. If I'm lucky, his buddies at the station won't believe him.

My day started when my alarm pulled me out of my first good dream in over a year. I looked out the window to see pouring rain. It made me think of the old saying "It's raining cats and dogs." I wished it were a literal phrase. Thinking literally had me picturing all these furries just falling from the sky.

I was supposed to have a modeling shoot today but now I'm just pissed off. My photographer stood me up....again! I'm beginning to think this gig is too good to be true. My feet are soggy, my clothes are drenched, my hair is stuck to my face, and I feel like a tramp cause the old guys of the city wouldn't stop staring. I don't know what's so arousing about runny make-up, a drenched strapless dress, and a forlorn face. Looking back, it's a lot like that one sad scene in every dramatic movie. The difference is that reality doesn't have a happy ending.

On top of that shit, my cousin blew off hanging with me to go to dinner with my family. I wasn't invited. My mom and her boyfriend, my aunt and cousin, and my grandparents will be there. It's not like she had a choice, our grandma guilt tripped her. I just wish that I was there too. At least being with superficial family is better than being alone at home. I really only see the grandparents during the holidays now. Mom never calls me anymore, grandma and grandpa haven't tried. The last time I tried to talk to grandma was a few months before prom. She got mad when I asked about making a prom dress for my date instead of me and hung up. I don't have the best relationship with any of them anymore. I'll see them all tomorrow at the family barbecue . Is I feel a feeling it won't go very well.

Today is not a good day.

I wouldn't recommend reading this journal. I'm really just looking for a method of venting. I was told journaling can help people like me. Read if you want but don't say I didn't warn you.

I've been in a bit of a rut lately. I'm losing touch with friends and losing touch with myself. I've been the hero for so long and now that I need one of my own, nobody's around. It took me two whole years to realize how lonely I truly am. I have a good life but I feel somehow neglected. I haven't been in a loving relationship for almost 3 years now. I've seen my friend's lovers come and go. I can't help but feel a bit down.

The main culprit, well, let's just say High School is very unforgiving of those who are different. I didn't have a single true friend until senior year really. No one seemed to understand why I wouldn't conform or why being myself was so appealing. I got sick of people treating me like shit at lunch so I started eating in the library. Eventually, it got to the point where I was too stressed to even eat at school.

My inability to stand up for myself became clear to me when I hit rock bottom of my self esteem issues. A friend of mine made it clear in just a short statement. He said, "You are the only person I know that has been in so much pain for so long and not resorted to any form of self destruction." It made me feel and worse all at once to find that the person I looked up to envied my strength when I thought I was so weak.

I have a modeling career, I have quite a few talents, but I have nobody to share any of it with.