I no longer owe anything to him
A stranger in my life
I no longer have an obligation to keep
your secrets
his secrets

I could shout it out loud
Tell the world the truth
from here to utah
I've been hurt
shouldn't you hurt

You turned me into a joke
But i will laugh last
Destruction and doubt
Was my pain worth your pleasure

Pathetic is your relationship
Buy him a ring
Like it'll make him faithful
As his looks fade and the rejection becomes his norm
You've become his choice

A solid back up
that worked it's way
to first place
He cheats and he lies
and in time you'll feel this pain

He will embarrass you
he will hurt you
but he will make himself the victim

Enjoy your days
While I enjoy mine
Free of your secrets
Telling the truth

You can always deny
but once someone hears it
They will always think it

Can the heart truly heal?
Lies and thievery cut deep into the flesh
Leaving memories of what was
Did he ever love me?
Was I his place holder?

A ring on his finger
Celebrating infidelity
He cheated on me
He'll cheat on you

My heart is still breaking
He drives the knife in over and over
I search for the humor
To keep the darkness at bay

You spent 16 days together
A year ago
You call that love?
I spent 4 years proving my love

You've spent years creating excuses
To not actually be together
Your're using each other
To fill a void

It's pathetic
True love has no excuse
A year apart with no valid reason
Should've been a year to wake up

What's meant to be will be
But when it's fake
Excuses will last a lifetime
Enjoy your ring

I miss him being next to me
Especially on cold nights
His arms wrapped around me
Encompassing me in safety

Now he holds his phone
Secrets keep him warm
Playing mind games with others
But they don't have a clue

He'll tell you he loves you
But it's your back the knife is in
Your a pawn
As was i

I think he became a monster
But I long for the monster's touch
Does that make me pathetic?
Or just another victim

Breathe
Just once
Then once more
Be strong
Don't miss him
Stop loving him
Let go
He's not worth it
Do better
Be better

Breathe
Just once
Then once more
He's already moved on
His options are plentiful
You're not one
Move on

Breathe
Thru the pain
Just once
Can you do one more?
He's 3 people
On a good day 2
None of them want you

Breathe
Say goodbye
Close the door
Close your eyes
Walk away
Food his lead

Finally gave in and started a blog page yesterday. A sare place to put down my thoughts and such without worry. I'm excited to leave as much of this year behind me as I can. I've already excepted that some of it will drag along for a bit but I'm ready. I'm ready to take control and live a life worth living.

If you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

...the days are passing by ever so slowly. My mind is racing and thoughts are pouring out, I don't know what to say, what I'm allowed to say. I miss my best friend, I miss my partner, I miss the shoulder to cry on and the arms that held me tight. I miss his smile and goofy sense of humor, I miss being able to trust him and believe him, believe in him. It's been 24 hours since we last texted/talked. I'm going crazy but I can't give in, I can't give anymore of myself without knowing its a reciprocated feeling.
I miss him, but I don't think he's mine to miss anymore....

This year is definitely the one I am looking forward to leaving behind. I have had rough years in the past, dealt with unemployment, uncertainty, and other hardships. Yet this year as things draw to a close, I am filled with so many emotions. I choose to write on here because I know I need to get it out, I can't find my notebook, no one notices me here, and I truly feel like I have no one to confide in and talk to.
I won't go into the sordid details of the events of the past 12 months but rest assured, I've taken my fair share of potshots this year. Christmas is tomorrow, and for the first time in the past 5 years I came home to an empty home. Tomorrow I will wake up alone. Saying it out loud brings me to tears. I thought I had found the one and my life was complete. I single handily started the ball rolling on the dissolution of my favorite love story.
I am currently in a situation where I am afraid to be happy, afraid to let my guard down, afraid of the pain. Words can cut like a knife and things said in anger can leave a lasting impact. For the past 2 days and nights I've been replaying events, re-reading texts, and trying to comprehend my life.
But I sit here tonight, alone on Christmas Eve, retelling the events on and off screen in the hopes that something will click in my mind. Christmas alone at 28 years old isn't where I saw my life heading last year. My family is broken and shattered, my friendships are strained and distant at best.
Maybe this is what I deserve after the things I have done. I know I can't dwell on this forever and eventually something will click and I will know what to do.