Okay so anyone who cares to read my stupid shit possibly read my journal about buying my first car. I deleted the journal after someone came by asking about buying it. But now I'm making a new one bout the same car. I couldn't choose at that moment if I wanted to keep it or try to sell it for a nice little profit. I've chosen to keep and continue to fix it. The car is a 1973 Ford Mustang Mach 1. I've always liked muscle cars and pony cars, so I bought the thing. After thinking long and hard, as well as spending about $500 on it already she's starting to feel better. I fixed the windows that didn't roll down as well as fixed the ignition, changed spark plugs, replaced the broken power steering hose, and I'm getting ready to replace the old broken radio. It is a bit of a rust bucket right now and needs some rust repair but she runs and drives okay other than guzzling gas, and she has almost no power (177 horse power or so) but I'm ordering stuff to fix that, I'm looking to get 500-600 horsepower out of it, and that's not hard but not easy. getting it to 300 horsepower is simple right now, new heads, new roller cam and fuel injection should get her close to that according to my mechanic. Anyway, that's kinda what I said in my deleted journal, so if you live in the Fife/Milton/Edgewood area of Washington and see me driving around wave, or give me a thumbs up or whatever I guess

Basically what's been going on with me lately (as if anyone cares) is I've gone into a spiraling pit of depression after Rainfurrest this year. I didn't wanna get online, I didn't want to be social or do much of anything. So all I've done for the last few months is play videogames, So far I've beaten Halo 4, all of the assasin's creed games but the last one, I beat fallout new vegas and fallout 3 again...as well as a few other games I played through again. I hadn't really seen much of anyone from the beginning of November until Christmas so gaming was the only thing I could do, but it isolated me more and more making me feel more and more alone so I didn't wanna talk. So thats why I haven't been around

On a slightly brighter note I got accepted onto SSI disability so I will finally have money to pay my rent and pay for ammo.

Oh and for those who don't know there is a rehab kinda place across the street from my house and some guy who apparently took a knife after his mom broke out of the place a week ago and we had about twelve cops running up and down the street looking for him. Probably the most exciting thing that's happened in a while

While playing a video game my mind's been off elsewhere. It's making me mad cause I can't concentrate on the game. I guess I've got to get this problem out of my brain or at least off my chest. I've seen a youtube video a while ago which I'll put a link to in a bit. The video states that men and women can't be just friends. Now, it's a broad statement that I'm having a hard time feeling is 100% true. I don't go a lot of anywhere and as such I ain't got any friends that are female. I'll agree for the most part I'd kinda agree. I know there has to be some exceptions to this stupid idea but other then being homosexual. When I look at society I see the good looking people having the most friends, and as such it makes more sense to me. But in the end I over analyse anything and everything. I tend to try to make everything make sense by looking into as many details I can think of, but still people are such strange things. I'm not saying that I'm not strange, I'm strange in my own way but I understand why I am the way I am for the most part. I tend to keep emotionally distant as much as I can, that's why I act like an ass most of the time or I try to be funny. I am frightened to death of looking people in the eyes for stupid reasons and I just can't face my own personal emotional scars.

Well, now that I've gotten my thoughts out of my head I'm going back to playing my video game maybe I'll concentrate much better, will be finally able to beat the stupid floaty rotating things and I won't brake another game controller this time I play and get pissed off. Anyway the video link is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA I hope anyone that reads this has good day I guess.


edit from my phone: beat it quite easily with my mind cleared whoo, I'm happy.

Usually I have either really bad or really good things to say about Christmas time, and this year was no different. It was a really good Christmas for me. This year my Mom has been working really hard, getting over like 100 hours of over time this month. Christmas kinda fell on my shoulders. I got most of the house cleaned up, and got most everything together. After it was all done I spent a bit over a hundred dollars for gifts just from me. It was hell trying to gather money for gifts, I had to do a lot of yard work and even with that I was short on money. But after borrowing some I was surprised how empty the tree looked. I gave all the presents I could to the people early, because I hate waiting. And by the time Christmas came we only had 5 or 6 presents under the tree. I ended up getting some money and I went to buy a baseball bat today. I love baseball bats, although I couldn't care less about the sport. After I broke the last bat I had over my knee, I needed a new one. Now whatever I have left from Christmas is going to be going to a new chess board, maybe a commission, and I want to save all the rest.

This is really the only commission idea I've had in a long time. I'n not really all that creative normally, but sometimes an idea just comes to mind. I don't know who to get it from. I'm really indecisive about things like that.

On another note, I probably won't be online to much after Friday. My Mom will be going into the hospital for shoulder surgery and I've got to take care of everything around the house and wake her up every four hours to make her take pain medication like the doctors said.

Anyway, I hope everyone who reads this had a good or at least not terrible Christmas time.

I get migraines for those who don't know and randomly reads this. And because of my attendance or lack of it at my high school (Only in high school cause I can't pass with 6-7 credits again because of my lack of attendance at school) Anyway, lately my head has gotten worse and worse, last year I could make it to school two to three times a week for my one class...this year it's gone down to like one day I can make it a week just cause of the pain, and so now I was informed that the counselor at school is trying to get me kicked out. She has always been trying to get me out of the school and out of her hair. I have something called a 504 plan at school because of my medical problems which excuses me for the days I can't make it to school. If they end up kicking me out because of this I don't know what I'm going to do, I have to be in school until social security says weather I'm truly disabled or not and gives me disability so I can survive or denies me and I need to find a lawyer. This is all just complete bullshit, legally because of the 504 plan the school can't kick me out or so I've been told but they're still trying. They act like I can help the kind of pain I'm in and I'm going through...

I'm gonna go get my badge for Rainfurrest today, probably nothing else because I gotta go get food and stuff for staying there on Saturday night (because of a Larry the cable guy show my mom is going to so I can't get home Saturday night.) I may take a quick look through the artist ally and dealers den today but I doubt it.

So for the last five days I've been doing hard labor. We had to build/extend a giant cinder-block wall. but to do this we had to break our water line and move it a few feet, so from Thursday to Saturday I had no water, so as soon as I had water I took an hour long shower because I worked all day those days, and I hate being dirty and sweaty. So today (Sunday) we had to fill in the wall with over 2 tons of cement since we just dry stacked it. I'm damn tired now, as well as a bit stoned seeing as I had to take some Vicodin pills just to get me through today.

On a different note I took a break for three hours on Saturday to head to the gun show, I found a gaming keyboard and got an amazing deal on it, so I'll probably be playing team fortress 2 more for a while seeing as it's stepped up my game a bit because I don't have to move across my keyboard to hit a single button then move back, it's all at the tip of my fingers. It's only 5 right now but seeing as I worked so hard today I'm thinking of heading to bed.

That's it I give up...my friends don't seem to be friends anymore, I'm alone and that'll never fucking change, I don't care what is next or what comes after I just want to be done. Fucking selfish asshole friends.

You know there are only two times I ever feel so angry at myself I would put a bullet through my face, One being I'm feeling bad I cant make friends easily because I don't talk to people and the other, when I find someone I think looks really cute acts nice, basically someone I'd like to get to know better for a possible relationship. There's this really cute girl in my math class, I've basically only talked to her twice so I don't know anything really about her (bad start huh?) I have no idea if she likes someone, has a boyfriend/girlfriend or anything like that, cause I'm a social retard and only poke my two cents in when I know something about what people talk about...anyway, my friend is really trying to get me to talk to her so I can get to know her better. Now let me explain my fear of people to anyone dimwitted and bored enough to read this, I'd rather live in my basement rather then meet new people, and honestly the thought of talking to her had me so frightened I was literally fighting back tears....I've never been a social person to my memory but hell, I never thought my fear of talking to people would make me freeze this damn bad. I guess as I'm typing this all out it's kinda putting how I am into sight at least for me, I think since I haven't gotten to know her to much I shouldn't try to get to know her...probably not worth it for me in the end anyway.

Thanks for reading my insane diary entry....not really but after rereading this it feels like something I'd write in a personal diary if I ever wrote one in my life.

on a much happier note, I got another new bed after the last one I got didn't work for me.

My birthday is Monday, I feel better this year then I did last year. I have over $300 in my savings account right now, so I'm doing much better then last year by far. Plus I got the new 3DS while I was in Florida, it rocks!

I'm leaving for Florida, I'll be back in twelve days. Disney World here I come. I'm up at 2 now to get ready...I hate getting up this early but at 11 today I'm gonna be on a plan. 8 hours on a plane is gonna kill me.

The weekend I get back will be my birthday, Going to the zoo to do random ass shit...should be fun I guess

I feel depressed. I have no idea why, I just feel depressed. The past two or three months now I've felt this way...I haven't been acting like myself because of this feeling. Life feels more and more meaningless to me. I've felt like this many times before, but not near ad long as I have lately. I normally don't like to make journals based on my feelings. I hate myself and all I've seemed to become as of late, I hate the feeling of being alone in the dark abysmal pit I seem to be in at the moment, and I'm lost mentally. These are never good feelings to have but sometimes it can't be helped. I'm heading on a trip back to Florida soon and I really hope I can rip myself out of this by that time. If I feel better after heading to Disney World I'll be back just in time for my birthday. At which time I'll be applying for disability, I know many want on disability just to be lazy but I don't really want on it at all. I want to be normal, have a normal life and not have to be living off of tax money from the government but that can't be helped the way I am. I can't make it more then an hour at school because of my migrains.

In other words, fuck my life I wanna cry but just can't.

Okay, so on Monday I went to my friend's house. He and I we're getting more and more stupid as the day went on and eventually I start this little fight with an empty 2 liter soda bottle I had just finished. I chucked it at him and it bounced off his head, landing in his little brother's lap. The little brother picks it up and throws it back at my friend and the bottle lands in my hand so I threw it at the little brother and it conks him in he head. Instantly his hand moves to his head and he bends over, as he gets up we see blood just gushing from his head. "I did that with a soda bottle...so does that make me a bad ass or just an asshole?" was about the second or third thing darting through my head. Eventually we clean up the blood, stop the bleeding and take care of the wound but the question remains was it cool that I can do that with a soda bottle or just tragic that now this ten year old may have a scar on his forehead?

Whoo! I love snow. it's awesome and here in Washington we don't get snow all the time but there's snow again.

Hope there's no school, or at least late arrival school tomorrow

Have you ever been in so much pain that you forget the laws of physics or something as simple as the days of the week. Yesterday (Sunday) I was in so much pain I forgot that it'd be Monday. I literally thought it'd be Saturday again. I felt I should be dead; it felt like I got shot in the head. So even today my head hurts so I'm staying home. if I couldn't find a joke outta this I'd hate my life, Oh wait I do. I like making jokes and yesterday I came up with quite a few of them just because I felt like shit.

I'm heading to the movies tomorrow, gonna go see the new Tron movie and the new Narnia movie with my friend and little brother then meet up with up with my mom to see the Narnia movie. I've already seen the Narnia one, it was okay I think, but everyone wants to go see it. I'm gonna feel like absolute crap by the end of tomorrow.

On a completely different note, I think I have found a time to apologize to someone, I think I have hurt farely bad in the past. Truth of the matter being I have to say I'm sorry so I can try to move on and be a better person in the end. Not because I wanna try to be a friend with this person. I'm not sure if they'll believe me or forgive me for how I've acted but like I said it's something for me to try to get some of the guilt off my chest. I just have to get the courage to talk to this person even to say I'm sorry.

I know it's late in the day so I guess I wish you all a good time for the rest of Christmas day and hope you had fun earlier today. I got some really cool stuff from my family, including a short range blow dart gun (to add to my collection of weapons), a "hard/impossible" puzzle from one of my aunts (they told me in their toy store they've never seen anyone finish it but I got it done in about 5-7 minutes no problem), I got an amazing old spawn action figure still in the original box from my uncle, And My mom ordered me a new bike with a small electric motor so I can get around easier with out a driver's licence. I honestly hope whatever other's have gotten is just as good as or better then my presents, cause I hope someone has a good Christmas time.

On a bit of a side note I haven't really felt like myself this holiday season, I've kinda been in a funk since Halloween.

Yeah, I aint sick no more, Happy me! I just wish my headaches wold go away as easily as the flu, oh well.

So, because I got over my flu I asked to go out to eat. Mom was doing some yard work so when she was done I knew she wouldn't have a problem with getting food. On the way home we started talking about more work, witch needed duct tape and my little brother says "You know duct tape comes in more then just silver now? it comes in all the colors" So being me I raise my hand and say in the gayest way I can "Oh, yeah, everyone knows duct tape comes in all the designer colors now, sheesh" The entire car burst into laughter. after a minute my mom looks over at me and says "You know it's not nice to make fun of fag..." stopping in the middle of the word, now this is coming from a Christian lady that still thinks being gay is an awful choice...Although I have to admit she acts a bit lesbian sometimes anyway and admitted she went to a strip club in Britain with some of her work associates and said she had fun. Anyway I pointed out that she just stopped and she says "oh, well I was thinking I should say something then I just said never mind after I started to say it" For anyone that knows my mom saying "fagot" is not something she would ever say and that's really why it's funny

I am dieing, haven't eaten or kept anything in my belly all day. I've had an awful headache all day and I can barely get outta bed today...I would rather be dead then go through this right now

So, I've been thinking about making a podcast. I don't really know how it'd go but I was wondering if anyone would listen to it. I'd probably get  bigb93 as a co-host and maybe  speedfox

For those who don't know what a podcast is, It's like a radio show on the internet...downloadable in like MP3 format.

I'm heading out to rainfurrest really soon now, I only live like 20-40 minutes away so yeah I don't need to pack, unpack or move anything at all. I loved the con last year even though I had no friends there to hang out with, but this year...I still have no friends to hang out with, even though I tried to get some of my friends to come. Oh well, I'm gonna go play games and spend money so yeah should be lots of fun.

Well, I went to the wedding, got to see my aunt, and almost all the rest of my large family. I unfortunately was the tallest one there. anyway I went to my grandma's grave and left a few flowers, and a few tears behind. She died October of last year so it still hurts and sometimes feels like she really isn't gone. Now, my job is to get more money for Rainfurrest, next weekend...oh, and I got 66% done with the new kingdom hearts game, so far it's been awesome

Yup, so I'm off to Oregon for a wedding, I like heading down there because all of my extended family lives down there, and they are awesome people. So not that any of you actually care but I probably won't be on until Monday unless we get free WiFi at the hotel.

Also, I bought a new PSP just for the brand new kingdom hearts game...I don't know what I was expecting for it but as different from the other games as it is I really like it...I didn't realise you would be able to play three sides of the same story (Ventus (the dude that looks like Roxas) Aqua, and Terra all have different sides apparently) I'm playing Aqua's story right now because I hate mage characters on games like this usually but I'm finding the extra magic power really fin and helpful...plus I think she is kinda cute *Cough* there's nothing wrong with that is there?

Staying at:
Home

Mode of Transportation:
I'll be riding either in a giant public bus or more likely a large truck thing

Room Share:
*looks around my room* I guess I'm rooming with my cat...I'm not getting a hotel room

Major Plans at the Con:
Goof off, play games and probably spend money

Who Will I be with:
Uh, myself for the most part

Fursuit(s):
I fucking wish

Attending Parties:
>.> if someone was crazy enough to invite me to a party I'd probably laugh my ass off

How best to find me:
You don't look for me, I'll just appear random places...if for some crazy reason you wanna find me look for the leather jacket like the one my fursona has.

Stage Performance:
I got stage fright so no

Drink:
monster, and most sodas that aren't coke (Hate coke)

Smoke:
*Coughs* Nope

Hugs:
If you don't wanna get hit I'd suggest you not hug me...

Talk:
not good at talking to people but if you wanna get to know me just act friendly

Art:
NO!

Do you do trades?
Nope

What is your gender?
Uh...I got a penis so I'd assume I'm a guy...

How old are you?
4043 (I look younger then I am)

Can I touch you?
can I punch you? No seriously if I don't know you, don't touch me.

Can I buy you lots of drinks?
I'd rather you not, I'm not a cripple that needs others to get me stuff

Can I give you lots of money?
Uh, maybe...I always like free money

Can I hug or snuggle with you?
NO!!

How tall are you?
A bit taller then 6 foot I think.

You look pissed off out of suit can I come up to you?
Uh, I don't have a suit and I shouldn't looked pissed off at a con.

Are you nice?
Meh, I try to be.

Are you cliquey?
No.

Can I stalk you?
Nope

Do you like parties?
Maybe...

If I see you, how should i get your attention?
Uh, just come up to me I guess

Are you fursuiting?
if I had a suit.

Can I ask ya to dance with me during the dances?
Nope, I don't dance so I won't be at one

Can I buy breakfast, lunch, or dinner sometime?
No

Can I take a picture of ya?
NO! I take pictures not get pictures of me taken.

Can I steal ya away for *censored*?
Fuck NO

Would ya like to get a commission done of ya?
Yup

Wanna cuddle at the con?
doubt it

You like Shiney's?
I suppose

During the Fursuit Games what team ya being on?
don't have a suit so I'm not gonna play

Wanna play some Xbox games?
Maybe, even though I hate the Xbox controllers

Wanna take a photo of me too if I'm suiting?
I'll take pictures.

My evil cellphone finally died, it was on it's last legs for the last few months now, it didn't get half of my texts, would make me try afew times to send a message out before it went through, wouldn't ring a good 90% of the time and it wouldn't call out well. Today I kinda dropped outta my pocket and it got fried...I gotta use one of those six year old brick phones you get for free until I can get a new phone....And I'm trying to save for rainfurrest so that makes the timing worse!!