No serious stuff here. No complains about real life ('Cause, du-uh, we all know it can be very tough from time to time), today's topic...
MEMES
All kind of memes. Yes. Have you ever noticed, that sometimes we all use some memes in our life? Damn, even our life itself could become a meme on its own! And i mean it! Just try to remember the last time you did something very awkward, and you felt very funny about it? No? Well then, good sir (m'lady), you've lived a very boring life. Personally, i think of myself as an immature, sometimes stupid, slow and lazy piece of work, and oh my, where would i've been right now, if there wasn't any meme around to make me laugh about my situation! I think it's a little strange, that right now i'm writing this sort of text. Perhaps i don't have anything to write it right now, or, perhaps, i just don't give a diddly-fuck about it. You know, we all getting trough some very crazy shit sometimes. And some of you (yup, you, the curious one, that reads it right now) having some shit that even more wicked than mine. I don't know. I can't understand how the different people feel it. But i sure can understand, that a good laugh about something simple and/or stupid, like a well made "RKO outta nowhere" meme can make your life a little better. Of course, we all have different tastes and interests, but the laugh is the thing that unites us all. So, YOU, yes, you, the curious one, when you feel bad, just find something, that can make you smile. Even if it's just a little smile, you'll start feeling better right away, guaranteed. Or not, some people are just don't have sense of humor, i suppose...

Summer is here. The weather goes from warm to cold. There's sun, and rain. Sometimes it's calm, sometimes there's a wind strong enough to blow you away (not far however). And some of my old wounds have opened again. Of course, i dont mean that i have a wound on my body, that had opened and bleeding right now. No, i'm talking about something, that goes in my mind. Memories of some crazy stuff, that happened about 3 months ago. There was a person, who i considered as my friend. And for 2 or 3 years, we enjoyed our friendship stuff. However, things got fucked up on the sideways, and something went awfully wrong. Was it me, who was burried into the deepest levels of my job, or was it that person, who started to distance itself from me. First it was just chatting problems - we couldn't chat so often, because of daily problems. Person had some problems in it's family, i've got my job routine. Anyway, it turned out, that this person actually began to say, that i'm paranoid, and that upsets this person (yea, i will not give it a discription, was it a girl, was it some guy who i thought to be my friend, you're left to guess). And this is where i say:"The fuck?" What kind of bullshit is it? What paranoia? Is it me, who's trying his best, to not get the whole company upset or worse, by hopping in the chat with my shitty mood, to the jokes that pisses me off, or to people (which that person had brought aboard with itself at some point, some "friend" of their) that i hate? Ow, that's good. Cool! Yea, i guess folks, i do have the paranoia indeed! I think, i was expected to act like nothing happens, that i'm ok, when, obviously, i wasn't. But hey - that's A LIE. And i have one rule, that is, however that sounds, is one and only rule in my life, that i will not disobey - I won't lie to my closest friends. Never. Whatever the truth is, i will not lie. If i feel bad and, if i want them to know it, they'll know it for sure. But sometimes, you just have to keep your problems jsut with yourself, away from other people. Because it's your problems, and your's only.
But, unfortunately, the Person had different opinion. We argued, we shared some bitter words (letters), and, as a result, we stopped talking to each other for 3 months. After that i learned what's the word "Depression" means. It sucks people. How do you live with it sometimes? Sucks to have this shit... Anyway - few days ago, i've felt that i HAVE to speak to that person again. Even when my friends did their best, to help me forget this Person, i've came to conclusion, that i just have to say everything i kept up to that moment. And, what do you know, i did! I'm so goddamn pround of myself! Well, i was, at least at that moment. The Person revealed itself as a total shit-for-a-friend. It just wanted me to feel sympathy towards it. It needed my sympathy, to feel "Needed". To make this clear - it just played with me. And when it found new target, it thrown me away. Yup, sounds like a cheap whore story. But that's how i feel. I was emotionally used, then - thrown away. Yesterday, i suddenly realised, that this person deserves nothing, but regret. I feel sorry for that miserable creature right now actually. Perhaps, that Person wasn't a bad buddy to chat with. But, who cares now? Now this Person is out there, trapped in it's own world of dreams. But the truth is - it just keeps lying to itself, and everyone around it. And that Person truly belives, that it's needed to "help" people around. To you, folks, to understand - that Person is studying in psychology or some sort of it. But the thing is - it's totally sucks at it. But still, it tries. And fails again for numerous reasons. The reasons to personal, to tell about them. I'll just say, that this Person never needed a "Friend", as i realised, it needed a patient. Someone sick and weak, to nurse it. Not to help, i must say, just to play with it...
In the end, i'm left alone. And i still care for that Person, 'cause, well, it did gave me a good time of chatting with it. That was really good. And sometimes, when i've felt bad, that Person always cheered me up. Perhaps, i regret, that i've let myself to go this far. Perhaps, a simple "Sorry, that was my bad.", could correct this shitty situation? Perhaps, exept i tried it. I did apologise, but the Person just answered with "I see", or "Ok", and left. Next day the Person deleted almost every contact, that i could use. So, i guess, there's nothing to be sorry about, right? Everything that happened, happened for some good reason, and it couldn't get any other way. Because, well, i'm still alive, right?

As much as i hate to admit it, but i'm still human. And even, if i wish for a death, for some people, i still think, that there's some room for "good stuff" in my being. Too bad i've learned that just now, but, i guess, it's better now, than never. Especially it's good to realise, that not every people around me is worthy of spending these "good things". I think, i can't just be an asshole, that lives in his own shell, shielding himself from reality. And reality for me, is a world of indifference, where such things as "good" and "bad" is just words, that we use to describe some stuff as "good" and other stuff, as "bad". The thing is, that everybody are naming different things. Wich is leading me to concusion, that world itself is colorless. Ofcourse, by "colors" i mean "essense of things". Think of it - we give our opinion about things around us, giving some sense to these things, but each person sees things differently. It's about two guys seeng each thing differently - one guy thinks, that this thing is "good", other one things otherwise. For one guy, the thing has white color (for instance), but for another guy it's black. But in reality, everything is gray... I guess, we never can find an agreement, about certain amount of terms, things and subjects. And this divided state of our existance, is something that will be our end in future, and perhaps not so distant. By this point, if you still reading this poorly written crap, you probaply asking yourself, what it has to do with "Spring, summer or the guy, who wrote this"? Well, i dunno. Perhaps this is what they call, "Spring time", when all of our mental disfunctions is getting worse from time to time. Everything blooming and growing, and so does our insanity. This is my sickness. I'll change my mind very soon, i can guarantee that. But not at this moment, not this day...

My words and thoughts may not comply with yours, no offense.
Now, this one is quite personal. This month i've learned how miserable i am. No, even pathetic. You see, i've asking myself from time to time - "Am i a good person?". Pretty dumb question, eh? But, i've never seen an answer for it - everyone around me saying/proving different things. The closest friends say that i'm fine, but after speaking with other people, sometimes i feel like i'm not. I can't tell this for myself. I guess, the closest "correct" answer to this question is - "I am what i am".
The thing is, how can we be sure for ourselves? What do you think about yourself? What do you feel? How often you ask yourself? And how do you deal with the thought, that you can easily find yourself to be puny, pathetic two-faced scum? I can't find the answer. I mean, ok, good - I am what i am, and i couldn've been anyone else. But what about people around me? What if i am an asshole? It doesn't mean, that people around me (especially thosei care about) have to deal with an asshole like me, doesn't it? Definitely not. But what about other assholes? Those, who deserve to be fucked over? What should i do if i care? What to do if i am a human? I'm not willing to become heartless picece of shit, that doesn't cares about anyone, but himself, thats sucks bricks!
That's being said. Perhaps, i'm just tired. The previous month was full of "suprises". Pleasent and not. I do belive, i'm not alone, that i am not the only one who asking himself the same question. But, how do you people dealing with it?

An unnecessary note.
For a week straight i've carried it within. Tons, tons of freakin' negative stuff. Anger, hatred, sadness, loneliness and rest emotional shit, that everyone is talking about when they have nothing else to do. And you know what? That's fine i say. You can't just keep your shit inside and hope it all will dissapear one day. Na-ah, f**k you, that's how it works! You keepin' it inside for days, weeks, months, years, and it keeps piling up, until you can't say anything normal. You just spitting out your negative crap all around. And more you do it, the worse you feel. Of course, if you are a human being.
So, i think, that's why we got our immeasurable imagination skills, right? That's how people should express their feelings. But not just by some hardcore dismemberment art or another sick shit, no. We express alot more curious ways. People draw some really cool, but creepy and frightening arts, writing some dark and depressing music. Or, if they lack of any sense of an art, they just start a war. Yup. Isn't that a reason? Our own arrogance, our own corroded souls, our own shit is the reason of all of our troubles. Or, are they? Is it serious? Or is it just me, and my poor writing/drawing/singing (wut?) skills?

NOPE
That may be one of possible reasons for all of the shit that happens in the world. Is this the right one? Who knows? This is how bad it is, we just so decieved, that we can't find a reason for our problems... Or we just don't want to?

At first, i was in doubt, shall i begin to upload my trash here? Will it find some attention? What's the point of uploading non-furry related stuff to the mostly furry related site, am i doing it right? Maybe not, but why can't i try it? Perhaps, this is the perfect place to release all of the fucked up stuff that bothers me. Not to insult someone, not to bother others, just for self relief . How do you know, maybe somebody will actually like my stuff? Well, if not, then i'll do nothing at all. Yup. Nothing to loose anyway, right?

For Christ sake, who gives a shit about another little, miserable life like yours-truly? The night behind the window whispers:"No one, you self centered piece of shit, take a nap and get a grip of yourself...". And so i shall obey this call once again...

To anyone who will read this: i do belive, that i'm pretty much fucked up, i don't mean to offend anyone. Hey, i'm pretty friendly, really, i swear! Well, if you care about such things as friendship.
The first thing to ask, mostly of myself - what in the Christ name am i doing here? Am i really that desperate, that i'm sitting here, writing this shit, hoping that something marvellous will happen! Why not? This is the freaking internet. A place where i can say whatever i think, if it's about myself, if it's related to me. My problems, my stuff, my roaches! And i do whatever i want with that. 'Cause, well, it's my stuff. Right.
So, what am i about? Why am i here? Why registering here? Why start a developement of my profile? Start to share my ugly af "drawings"? In time, maybe. What shall i expect here? Shall i be despised? Should've i start this whole text with the sentence:"Hi, my name is %username%, i'm 23, and i'm an asshole."? Isn't that a cliche? Or, maybe i'm not an asshole at all? Well, i guess, it remains to be seen, i'll just wait, i'll just sit here in the backseat, and enjoy my slowly-progressing insanity, 'cause why the hell not? There must be something to enjoy, right?