My story! And critique it. Seriously I want some feedback.

That is all.

Well originally this was gonna be about my year, and then it was gonna be some emo depressed thing because I was really miserable and felt forgotten about. but it turns out an email i was really looking forwards too was only a day late and not forgotten about so Im doing a little better and opting for the original one.

This year has been a crazy one. Probably the craziest my Train-Wreck of a life has ever seen. Im afraid of what next year will bring.

This year... Where to start...

Alright we'll start with the good/not bad stuff that happened.
Well My sister had a baby, thats a good one. a boy, hes cute, yknow for a baby.
For the first time in my life I have a "sexual Identity" beyond just looking at porn.
I came to the conclusion I am absolutely and irrevocably Gay. no more uncertainty.
I came to the conclusion that just because Im attracted to men doesnt mean I Cant appreciate aspects of an attractive female.
It does mean however I Dont want to have sex with, kiss, or any other such thing with one.
I discovered that Guys who wear skirts are hawt. Especially short ones.
I also learned that as rare as they are Dominant Twinky guys are about as sexy as it gets.
I fell in love.
I fell head over heels stalker type in love.
I came to terms with the fact that he may never think of me the same way i do him.
We got a 42" screen TV.
I got a Sega dreamcast and a SNES.
I succeeded at my resolution last year To start execising.
I also succeeded at, Eating healthier, taking better care of myself hygienically.
I Finally stopped hating my father.
Im sleeping more, and often better.
I made a few new friends.
The rest of my family is finally on the financial bandwagon

and now for the Bad stuff.
My grandfather Died.
Im STILL a virgin :(
I still havent talked to my father.
Im still cold and alone every morning when i wake up.
I failed to Dye my hair.
I failed to take a very important trip, to visit someone very important, because my family is useless.
I fell out of touch with a few old friends.
aforementioned bandwagon is in very poor condition and Im still responsible for holding it together.
I am still stuck in a dead end job, in the middle of nowhere, with no one to hug, kiss or hold, and wishing
for little more than to walk out that front door and never come back.

and my new years resolutions...
Well, For one, make that Trip i didnt make last year.
now that I am exercising, I want to do it more regularly.
Further work on eating healthier. baby steps here.
and To commission art. at least one piece.

Well thats it, heres to crazy ol 2009, and hoping 2010 will be easier on me.

I should make this a meme. HEY, if anyone actually reads this, I tag you.
post a journal and list off your year, the good (include successful Resolutions) the bad (include failed ones) and your resolutions for next year.

nobody can see my face in this solo stained glass masquerade,
you're the only one who sees beneath these cold dark masks that have taken me.
I can't show my eyes, my one true face, they'd eat me alive, and leave no trace.
and yet you have seen beneath the scars, the broken mind and seen my heart,
you looked upon that which i hold secret, close, cold, and alone.
and when i showed you my heart, it had turned to stone.
somehow you awakened things, i thought no eyes would ever bring,
a man who'd given up on life has found a beat to bring him light.
It kills me that i cant do the same, Save you from your inner pain,
but know that what you mean to me, will never change or cease to be.
I'll always hold you in my thoughts, pray you get that which you want,
and someday soon i hope you'll meet, the person who can fill your needs.

I haven't left you yet, even when you were hurting so bad you tried to tear me to pieces with you,
and I know that's not you, because even though its not the same, you care for me too. But I'm still here,
and I'm not going anywhere any time soon.

I love you, I know it, you know it, and As much as you wish i didnt because you know it only hurts me,
I know I'll never be able to stop, and I'm content to love you, even if you can't love me . I may never
find another who can look upon the side of me you know, it was never meant to be seen by anyone,
and anyone else would only ruin the beauty that's finally found its way there.

A fairly taleted artist who would be willing to work with me to make a reference sheet for my character. I have NO artistic skills outside of the planets i make, And ive been considering commissioning some pictures but i want a ref sheet first.

Now, Free would be epic, But i wouldn't expect someone to give me free art just for asking, I do have paypal so I can work out some sort of fee. So if you're interested, or you know someone i should ask, just PM me and let me know :)

sometimes i find myself wondering...
all this shit. all of it, all the pain, all the suffering, all the sadness i went through, and all the crap i take every day, i wonder... is it worth it? was it worth it to get where i am?

and then i remember all the people that i care about, everyone i love, and those few who love me back, and i realize... yeah, yeah it is... its people like my mother and my best friends... that make everything ive gone through worth the pain

250 images, and 150 journals later... im all caught up... thatll teach me to not check FA for more than two days again...

And yes, i read and looked at EVERY SINGLE ONE... i do that

1st Fa is Back (Creams pants) happy time.

2nd my cousin got married, the wedding was cool, but even cooler was the place we stayed.

3rd wrote a few poems while site was down, post em tomorrow likely :D

4th saw Dark knight and Wall-E while i had the time, both are epic movies, i encourage you to go see them :D

5th im tired gonna go pass out now

so today, we had a storm... it was crazy, i literally watched the sky going black, im standing there like... its gonna rain bad... and i was right, about an hour later it started raining... like torrential downpour style rain... and then... it stopped... 10 minutes later the storm was done, i looked out the window, and the skies were turning blue again, the storm was still raging on.... just on the opposite side of town moving away XD

MASQUERADE

Masquerade!
Paper faces on parade...
Masquerade!
Hide your face, so the world will never find you!

Masquerade!
Every face a different shade...
Masquerade!
Look around -- there's another mask behind you!

Swish and swirl...
Fish and fowl...
Gull and goat...
Skull and scowl...
Flash of green...
Splash of brown...
Ace of hearts...
Face of clown...

Faces...
Take your turn, take a ride
on the merry-go-round...
in an inhuman race...

Kurd and king...
Bird and beast...
Ghoul and goose...
Fool and priest...
Curl of lip...
Twirl of cape...
Trace of rouge...
Face of ape...

Faces...
Drink it in, drink it up,
till you've drowned
in the light...
in the sound...
But who can name the face...?

Masquerade!
Grinning yellows, spinning reds...
Masquerade!
Take your fill -- let the spectacle astound you!

Masquerade!
Burning glances, turning heads...
Masquerade!
Stop and stare at the sea of smiles around you!

Masquerade!
Seething shadows breathing lies...
Masquerade!
You can fool any friend who ever knew you!

Masquerade!
Leering satyrs, peering eyes...
Masquerade!
Run and hide -- but a face will still pursue you!

[HUMAN QUESTIONS]
What's your real name?
Michael West (Call me mike)

-Gender?
male

-Orientation?
um... well if anything id have to say bi, but really its whatever the opposite of Bi would be, as i really have no orientation at all.

-Race?
Canadian!

-What's your favorite genre of music?
ummm... any kind... i listen to everything from techno to opera, and from rap to country...

-What's your favorite band/musical artist?
Daft Punk.... and Aesop Rock

-What's your worst peeve?
when people put themselves down, because they are better than that and they dont know it.

-Are you doing well in school?
graduated highschool last year, not in college yet

-Do you have a religion?
non-denomination christian.

-What turns you on?
ummm. private information TYVM

-Do you consider yourself a whore?
ummm... can a virgin even be a whore?

-Do you have a favorite movie?
umm, dont really watch enough movies enough to have one.

-Funniest thing you've ever said?
...but now its being passed around like aids at kelly's house! (you'd have to know kelly and have been there to get it)

-What do you eat?
burgers lots, but thats because i get my food half price where i work.

-Are you flexible?
used to be, but now ive built up "Some" muscle and im not so much anymore

-What's your favorite video game?
FFXII and Halo 3

-Do you have a crush on anyone?
not really.

-What's the most embarrassing moment you can remember?
i dont think i get embarassed...

-Are you a (gulp) myspace whore?
did you just say myspace?!? *Pulls out a crucifix* BACK YOU EVIL FIEND *GROWL* there is no greater evil in the universe than that of myspace.... save for perhaps facebook...*readies his holy water*

[FURRY QUESTIONS]
-What's your furry name?
Theo

-Species?
Anthro-Wolf

-If you could describe your furry in one word, what would it be?
Lonely

-Does your fur have a side-story?
yes, a long one that im still working out...

-Is your fur a whore?
no, not unless someone gives me free art of him being so, and even then, not really but free art is always good :P.

-Does your fur have any traits that resemble yourself?
Many, though most of his personality represents the way i used to be,
Physically: hair, build, eyes and clothing

-What's your fur's favorite outfit?
jeans, and large baggy shirts or jackets, loose clothes are more comfortable.

-Describe your furs overall personality in a few words.
calm, quiet, sad, and seeking redemption...

-How often do you RP using your fur?
sometimes

-Does your fur have any weapons?
A sword, and fire magic.

-How does your fur wear his/her hair?
long, shoulder length, and either down or in a ponytail.

what wickedly awfully wonderful weather today :D

its been pouring rain the entire day.... and i couldnt be happier, i even went for a walk i was so excited... came home soaking wet.... YAY!!!

thanx to to FA's recent downtime i logged on today to a whopping 87 new messages, more than 30 more than the previous record.... im happy, lots of arts to see....

Edit: made it to 95 by the time i was done reading my journals

Q: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search:

Michael needs Mum

Q: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:

Michael looks like drag queen in one of Pauls porn videos.

Q: Type in "[your name] says" in Google search:

Michael says, stealing books for the Kindle is trivially easy (For the what?)

Q: Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search:

Michael wants to get head

Q: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:

Michael does a little magic

Q: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search:

Michael hates Toby

Q: Type in "[your name] asks" in Google search:

Michael asks why (Why?)

Q: Type in "[your name] goes" in Google search:

Michael goes to sling media

Q: Type in "[your name] likes" in Google search:

Michael Likes A Good Blowjob

Q: Type in "[your name] eats" in Google search:

Michael eats a HotDog (Dirty?)

Q: Type in "[your name] wears" in Google search:

Michael wears Fred (ok that ones definitely dirty)

Q: Type in "[your name] was arrested for" in Google Search:

Michael was arrested for performing a lewd act in front of an undercover policeman

an evil force of nature capable of horrible thing like keeping me at work till 2 am changing the prices on all the menu boards...

actually it wasnt that bad, i wasnt alone cuz my friend was in charge of reprogramming the tills, and i started later than usual today to make up for it. it was actually kinda fun doing the price changes... but inflation is still evil

i got beaten up by a drunk guy last night... theres more to it... im fine though... nobody is seriously hurt, and this is my first fight like that ever so now ive had one and i didnt go down. but dont feel too bad for me... its at least partially my fault and i still feel stupid about it. although im pretty sure i was targeted specifically instead of someone else because of my hair. but like i said he targeted me but its still sort of my fault so w/e.. just wanted to let you guys know.

so, i was walking home in the rain today (YAY!!) and i started looking up at the pitch black sky and wondered...

if i had a spaceship that could fly for eternity, it needed no fuel, and supply its own food and water and i took it and flew in a straight line where would i end up? would i discover the the universe like earth is round and that given enough time id end up back where i started?, would i find that the universe is truly infinite in its size and that no matter how far or how long i flew, 100 years... a million.... more.. id never find the edge?, would i find the edge of the universe? and if so what would i find there?? would i find nothing, just infinite darkness for the rest of eternity? would i find heaven? god? would i find the birthplace of new stars? would i find life? death? the meaning of life? the entrance to a parallel universe? would i find the end of all existence as we know it? or the creation of it? how i wish i could ever see it to know....

so i end this journal with a couple questions..

first what do you think we would find at the edge of the universe?

and second am i weird for putting so much though into this?

End of a long day,

Grandfathers funeral was today (Friday not sat but my day ends at 6 am)

woke up early at 9 Am to be with my mom....

went to the funeral around 130, i cried, im glad i did, i needed to get it out of my system so i could be there to comfort my mother. it lasted till about 2:30, then as one of the pall bearers i helped carry the casket out to the hurst and then to the grave... got back around 2:45 then went to the Lunch, which ended around 3:30

came home had a cheese fondue (we decided to fondue today to help lighten the mood and help my mom out im glad we did)

at 5:30 we went to the Family supper (i didnt eat... much) came home (again) around 7:30 had the meat fondue

about 10:00, 10:30 when we were finished, i left my mothers side for the first time today (my fathers not here, and so it was my job today as the oldest boy to be there for her, whether or not anyone else thinks so, and i wasnt gonna let her down) and went for a walk with my brother, sister, and her boyfriend. we went to the park, layed down on the merry-go round, and stared at the stars while spinning in circles. for like half an hour, we also played frisbee for a bit. came home (for the last time) had the chocolate fondue, and then everyone else went to bed... id be asleep too but i cant risk screwing up my sleep habits too bad or im screwed with rok...

of my grandfather... he passed away at 5:00 this morning, he was a good man, he lived a long life, and ill miss him dearly.


but i have a question for you, is it wrong that im not sad because of his death? im happy that hes passed on.... maybe its because i saw all the suffering he went through these last few weeks, or maybe its just that my relationship with him was never really that strong that it would be a crushing emotional blow to me, or maybe its because ive been dealing with the possibility of this happening for 2 years now, more than likely its all of the above.... all i know though, is that im glad hes no longer suffering that way, but i also feel guilty because im not really upset at all...

ever been so tired you cant sleep? cuz thats where i am right now, im so mentally and physically exhausted that i cant sleep.


i guess ill just have to wait until i pass out on the keyboard or floor and sleep there.

Why is it that ive worked so long and so hard to feel happy like this, and then i still get the feeling i dont deserve it?


Dammit i thought i was done with the self hatred thing

updated my profile, read it or dont, i just wanted it to say something better.

YOUR LACK OF ZEN IS MESSING WITH MY CHI!!!!!

im bored someone not creepy add me on aim or msn and talk to me dammit

New avatar FTW

Doing my part to help out someone in need

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/.....9/#cid:2784930

help out if you can... because sadly i cant.