Sorry to be captain Awkward of the good ship cringeworthy (I really don't care though) but I feel led to share this miraculous thing that's happened to me recently.

I discussed in a previous journal about me giving coffee enemas a chance. My mate had been using them for years, and she said they saved her life.

The first time I used it, I "passed" what turned out to be liver flukes or liver parasites. They were coating the insides of my intestines, blocking my ability to absorb nutrients.

In the 2 weeks plus that I have continued to use them, I have passed literal worms.

I use half coffee half water, some salt, and sometimes a few drops of tea tree and frankincense oil, and collagen peptides. I'm still experimenting. Warm water and coffee feels absolutely wonderful.

The anus is rich in nerve endings and quite honestly stuff in there feels awesome. I know a lot of people are into butt play in some way or another, why not so something that will improve your health?

So, since I embarked on this journey and i can tell you the following things have happened.

My vision is getting better. I had laser eye surgery years ago and sometimes I would blink and have perfect vision again, and it would go away the next blink. I realized using thera tears eye lubricant made my vision perfect, and I wondered why my eyes were so dry. I used to get one or two "crystal clear vision moments" a year, now i am getting that every day almost!

My joints are not hurting any more. I would take vinnegar and joint supplements and they would definitely help, but i feel like a teenager again.

My brain fog has cleared up. My memory is better. My depression is drifting away, and my worldview has changed to the positive, although a lot of that is me aligning my beliefs with my creator, still, everything is getting better. My thinking is clearing up! My anxiety is getting better! I was hospitalized for it, once!

I have more energy. I'm eating less but having more energy! I ate nothing this morning and nothing for lunch but i was able to run around shooting marshmallows at kids for hours and really didn't feel hungry. I think my body was in crisis mode for SO many years it was storing so much fat and nutrients that now that I am getting sorted out I am burning those long-stored nutrients. My mate was worried i was eating so little but I am actually fine. I had one slice of pizza later and i was actually fine, i had to stop eating.

People say that all illness starts in the gut, and they are finding out the gut actually controls more than we thought. They are actually almost curing autism with fecal transplants. Yes, you read that right. Google it you will be amazed.

I AM EATING LESS. I am literally wating 2/3 to 1/4 as much maybe even less. I went from craving sugar to the point of NEEDING it to not even caring about it AT ALL. I think my body had been living in crisis mode for SO LONG that it needed the carba to stay working. I eat 1-2 small meals and i am FINE WITH IT.

How many people are OBESE because they're feeding parasites instead of their bodies. Those parasites aren't taking the fat from your food they're taking the vitamins... And your body is left going hungry. How many people have mystery diseases that are parasite related. Most people have them and don't know it! Yeah it's gross seeing them in the toilet but it's even grosser letting them live inside of you! Eww!!!

Though my tongue is kinda sad it doesn't get to taste "consumption of mass quantities" my taste buds have actually started to come alive. I CAN TASTE MORE FLAVORS. Food is coming alive! I am eating less but the quality of the experience is improving! I was worried about how much I ate before, but I didn't want to starve, either. Not eating caused me serious pain!

I am drinking 2/3 more water! I wondered why I didn't drink that much, but now my body is demanding I drink a healthy amount. I add collagen to my water.

I am having more fun. Today I went to a birthday party for a friend of the kids and I had SO MUCH FUN just being a kid again. They had these cpvc pipe marshmallow guns that we shot each other with. I gave an 85 lb boy a piggyback ride and ran with him on my shoulders. No pain.

I have a terrible anal fissure from past abuses of my backside. It's been bleeding and painful for years. Nothing has helped, not even seeing a doctor.

Since I don't have to "push" (not nearly as much as before) to have a bowel movement I haven't had the excruciating crippling pain I've had in the past. I've lived with this life ruining pain for years. I never thought I would be free of it. Just treat the symptoms. But now it feels like it's beginning to heal.

I am sleeping so much deeper and better. My quality of sleep hasn't been this good in DECADES.

Now the negatives.

I have had a tremor that may be related to my alcohol use (no I'm not ready to stop yet i am working on cutting down here or there) and it's gotten worse with the enemas however it feels like it's a lot leaa scary. Like one day I will be healthy and not have them any more.

Headaches. I don't have them often but 2 or 3 times I had a pretty bad headache I felt was from the enemas. The headaches were uncomfortable but not terrible. I didn't need aspirin or anything.

I have read it depletes electrolytes so that's why I add salt. I also take vitamin supplements to replace any vitamins that may have been leached or washed away. I take acidophilus which helps a lot. I also take a fiber supplement.

As my stomach naturally shrinks, the acid has to go somewhere. So it decides to release itself WHILE I AM STUCK IN TRAFFIC!!!

It was NOT a fun experience! And it took a few trips to the loo to get the bile fully out.

It can be uncomfortable allowing a lot of liquid into your colon. When warm it's less of an issue, even wonderfully pleasant. Regulating the water influx is key. Click type regulators are awful. Get a roll type. Endure the discomfort, it will go away as it progresses. I am up to a full regular bag and keeping it in for a half hour or more. The pangs come and I just endure them. What i endured before the health benefits was far worse!!!

I consider the negatives to be a drop in the bucket when I compare the massive health benefits.

I recommend finding a confortable, safe place, use a towel for any leaks, get a good book or watch YouTube videos. I lay on my back. Right now my mate is laying next to me. I'm in my underwear and just socks, watching a video on solar power while writing this. I hope I don't need to spell out what i am doing right now haha.

Remember to shut the valve all the way off before removing the applicator or there can be a little leak. For people who are hard core about it they even make inflatable bulbs with tubes in them. One reviewer said he can get an entire gallon inside! They make inflatable ones they say are for enemas, even ones that vibrate (maybe to shake the stuff loose? Lol sounds like fun!) But they don't have a tube for the water.

If you're handy you may be able to put non collapsable tubing in after making a hole on the tip and a hole at the base (make sure the tube is recessed or it would really hurt going in) and sealing it up with red silicone (make sure the silicone says food safe!)

Have fun, relax. They say it can take years for constipation to "come out"... Some of the things I've seen... And smelled... Were black, and hard!

It's curious to know that while I have not eaten any solid food for 3 days there's hard stuff coming out! My mate says she's passing some very scary looking stuff. We're such nerds we show each other the stuff that comes out haha.

I know it's gross and taboo and weird, but sometimes ya just gotta get over it =) life is weird and strange and kinda gross at times. It does nobody any good to pretend otherwise. Embracing truth does good for ones soul.

As a final note, I recommend silicone non bpa enemy bags and tubes. You cam get them on ebay for 20 bucks. Boil your coffee to get rid of the acidity.

I am caffeine hyper sensitive but I don't get any anxiety in spite of the fact like 5 cups of coffee and a ton of water are going up in me. So don't worry about that too much. And when i drink coffee by mouth, it doesn't hit me as hard but it's still very enjoyable. I can do a coffee enema before bed and sleep great. If i drink even a sip of coffee even hours before sleeping i will not sleep all night. But somehow the enemas don't do that.

Sorry for the cringe but I'm carin less and less. I'm embracing my inner child more and more and not caring what people think about it. I'm not wearing a diaper or acting crazy or anything I am just letting go and caring less about what other people think. It is very freeing =)

Anyway i hope whoever reads this decides to give it a try. Most of us are in lockdown anyway. Why not give it a try? Be kind to your backside, let everything you do be done with caring, nurturing love for your body. It's working so hard to keep you safe. Practice positive self- talk. Stand in front of a mirror and say out loud the things you say to yourself. You may be shocked at how hard you are on yourself. Learn to treat yourself kindly. You are precious and unique and you're doing the best you can. You are doing just fine, you are not your depression! You are not your insecurities. You are just fine. Relax =)

So my mate has been into coffee enemas for a while. I decided to give one a try. Before I go into the details, let me ask you guys 2 important questions.

1. Have you ever visited planet Earth and spent any time there, and
2. Have you ever eaten any Earth food or drank any Earth drinks?

If you have said "yes" to either or both questions, there's a chance you may have picked up some parasites and don't even know it.

Let me share with you what coffee enemas have done for me.

I would watch the toilet bowl for anything weird, and 3 enemas in, I was horrified to see some red film in there. I was scared enough to actually fish it out of the water (It was pretty clear). It was hard like dried tomato skins. We looked it up and it turns out it is a parasite called "Liver flukes".

Shortly after passing that, the following things almost immediately changed:

1. My sense of smell got better. I have been living in my dwelling for a few years, and I began to notice smells. Has it always had this scent? I began to ask myself.

2. My sense of taste improved. I began to taste things in common food items I had not been able to taste before. The foods came "Alive" on my tongue. Ordinary eating experiences became new adventures! I began to really look forward to eating!

3. I stopped eating 2/3 of my normal food intake, and felt "Fuller" longer. Gone were the starvation-pains between meals. My body was finally able to absorb the actual nutrients!

4. My brain-fog and poor memory began to lift. I was able to form coherent thought-chains for the first time in years.

5. My stomach settled. It was less "nervous."

6. I woke up one day and began to realize my depression was lifting. My world-view was improving. This is something I had never had happen to me before. Granted, I am working with my Creator to better understand the human condition and my thinking is getting more healthy and happy all the time, so that's a part of it, yeah.

7. My joints stopped aching! I remember a few years ago I would groan and get up in "steps"... Maybe now my body is finally able to flush out the toxins in my joints!

8. I am drink 2/3 more water. It sort of scared me how little water I would drink. Now I am closer to meeting the "Ten glasses of water a day" mark!

Granted, I take supplements, multivatmins, calcium magnesium, and other things to put the nutrients back in my body.

I have to wonder how many obese people are that way because their bodies need so much food to replace the nutrients parasites are taking? The parasites aren't taking your fat! Just your vitamins!

I also drink Kombucha (We are actually beginning to brew our own) fairly regularly. I even put some Bucca in my enema!

If you endeavor to try this, and I hope you do, if the coffee is too acidic, simply brew it, then boil it in a kettle. Once boiled, coffee loses all of its acidity. Or, you can boil the grounds in water, then filter them out, after.

Also, I have had a pretty awful anal fissure for many years, it has gotten so painful, I began to realize, the next step on the pain scale is actual shock. I have been in shock several times and I know what it feels like. I just dealt with the pain and powered through it day to day. Now that I am not "Pushing" as hard for a bowel movement, the pain has actually gone away. I *never* thought I would be able to go a day without pain. But here I am!

Granted there is a lot of stigma and taboo with the anus and pooping and whatever but honestly that's a bunch of immaturity and needless shaming of the human body. I really don't care. If I can help someone improve their health it's worth the ridicule and shaming.

I also wonder how many people are dying of cancer because their bodies could not absorb the nutrients they needed to heal... Because of parasites... It's a thought that occurred to me... Why do cancer patients usually look so skinny? Someone once said, "Never underestimate the human bodies ability to heal itself" and I believe God gave us powerful abilities to heal.

While we're on the subject of things this society considers shameful and taboo (Like I give a f*ck) as someone who is a sexual assault survivor, and abused my body in the past. "Inserting" the enema thing, while it is small, my body clenches up and fights me. I have begun to "Massage" my butt, taking my time with lube or even olive oil, honestly treating it with kindness and respect, it helps it to relax, and this morning, it occurred to me that my fissure could be exacerbated by all the tension and fear I had been holding inside my butt (Tailhole?).

My mate once told me muscles can "Hold" trauma and this became apparent to me today. And actually massaging the butt feels freaking AMAZING. Really a huge turn-on. Sorry if that's candid, but, again, I don't really care, people who would shame others were once shamed, themselves, and that's why they need to harm others. Sad, really.

It should be said that coffee enemas do take some minerals from you. If you embark on a healing journey, be sure to:

Drink Kombucha regularly
Add salt to your diet for electrolytes, or an electrolyte supplement
Take a multivitamin!
Take calcium/magnesium
Take acidophilus! Replenish the healthy microbes in your gut.
B vitamins

Experiment with various supplements to see what works for you.

I am 40 years old and I feel like I am becoming a new man, literally. There has been *no* area of my health that has NOT improved since flushing these toxins from my system. Toxins that had been in there for years! My health had been steadily deteriorating and I just accepted it. I am losing weigh, but in a good way. I am not nearly as hungry as I used to be. I have more energy and less pain. My thinking is clearer and my depression hits me less.

Oh! and I almost forgot... My terrible Tinnitus, (Ringing in the ears) that drove me insane for years, it doesn't bother me as much like it used to. Even my hearing is getting better! These things aren't placebos. These are actual observations of things as they get better. I still have a "Dad belly" but it might be going away or staying I don't really care.

One more thing, after beginning the enemas and passing bizarre and freakish things in my gut, I stopped eating for a few days. I not hungry at all. My appetite has slowly come back, and when I eat it is a thoroughly enjoyable experience. I think my body was dealing/getting rid of excess fat and stuff my body had stored as it desperately tried to absorb the nutrients it could, my intestinal walls being blocked and all.

So, recently my SO and I were talking about how we compliment each others lives, and what we appreciate about one another.

I listed some things I really truly appreciate about her... But I thought about it deeply, and it turned out there was something, several things in fact, that I had just glanced over.

Turns out I had forgotten about the crippling pain of the loneliness I had felt before we started talking again, the perpetual broken heart that caused me to walk around with tears constantly just behind my eyes... And other things.

So I told her about them. I was honest, but it hurt to honestly go "back in time" and place myself smack in the middle of the pain I had endured for 40 years, and to feel it wholly and totally so that I could be honest with her.

It turns out that I am like many people in that pain and discomfort are two things I want to avoid.

So, being with my woman, has removed my loneliness and other issues (but not replacing it right off the bat for feelings of love and euphoria, we're still working "us" out, to assume your SO is perfect will lead to heartache and heartbreak) and my lizard brain has conveniently "forgotten" the pain I was in before she came into my life.

So, in short, when you find your SO, don't be so quick to forget the sorrow their presence erased, the loneliness they eased or satiated. In fact it would do a lot of people some good to recall the hard times before they met their SO. It would produce gratitude. But do not remember to be afraid of losing them.

And for everyone struggling with the pain of loneliness, please do yourself a massive favor and learn to be happy, and contented alone. It is possible, and if you can find contentment by yourself, when you do meet your SO, you will be self sufficient, not a slave to them (for your happiness) and you will have found what so many desire but rarely find, contentment with just yourself. So many people need other people to be happy. It is better if you do not.

The worst thing that can happen is you get your SO when you need them to be happy. The best thing is to get them to compliment your life, but do not need or rely on them to "make you happy". That is a terrible burden to place on another human being. Be happy on your own. Appreciate what they bring to the table and be grateful for it.

I wish you guys the best.

Hey guys I know selfish people are buying up toilet paper and that's leaving regular folks with nothing. (Increasing the spread of germs and sickness)

I know in some cases in the USA we are 30-40 years behind Europe with some things (and ahead with others...) But I want to share with you guys something I discovered.

Look!

https://www.ebay.com/i/182291491626.....a&googleloc=9030322&poi=&campaignid=9426322705&mkgroupid=96614844198&rlsatarget=pla-886286053915&abcId=1141016&merchantid=114790103&gclid=CjwKCAjwvOHzBRBoEiwA48i6AiSWtm-uVe1yk6gOIUaYKc8aOpXIMn8ki6DLFDZ74sO5fN5Hfjh2NhoCiFEQAvD_BwE

It is called a "bidet" and they have been in use for years overseas. Recently I bought one because nobody knows how long the toilet paper will last, or if we'll be able to get more. They work great! I use 1\4 as much toilet paper now and only to dry.

Just be sure you get one with a "tee" or valve that lets you screw it under the toilet fill tank, so you can use the toilet as usual, otherwise you will have to buy the tee separately.

They also have bidets that cost half as much, too, and bidets that go under your toilet seat.

5\5 stars, much recommend!

Hello,


So in the vein of some fairly serious journals, here's another one.

Some of you may know that a woman (And her 2 children) has recently, in the past few months, come back into my life. I have had a handful of relationships, and the only consistent thing was the intensity of the trainwreck. Because they always ended in fire.

Also recently, more trauma my mind had concealed to help me survive, at the hands of an immediate family member, came to light, and it was worse, so much worse, than I thought, or remembered. In fact, it couldn't have possibly been worse, and it came to light that this person has been trying to get me, in one way or another, to commit suicide because of the guilt they feel over the things they have done. And, this is one of the people who raised me.

SO...

I have to deal with that, and I think I am doing pretty good, except what they did to me has literally colored all of my relationships.

And caused them to fail.

Last night, me and this woman had a fun, sexy night planned, and it started out okay, but ended with me feeling insulted by something she said, getting VERY upset with her, and her withdrawing from me and leaving me feeling justified.

This morning, she confronted me and asked if I was still upset... I told her I will NOT be disrespected in my own home, ESPECIALLY when I am doing my utmost to keep her safe, fed, and comfortable. Sorry, I see a lot of women walk all over their men and I will NOT be one of those guys.

Turns out, she didn't have that tone, and if she did, it was not in her heart t insult me. As she put it... Why would she bite the hand that feeds her?

Well now, this is wonderful.

Because, for a few reasons, I am learning more about HER as a person, her motives, (Not all women are vicious monsters who just want to tear men apart) and the way women work.

Here are a few things I have found out. YMMV, these are truths I know. they do not apply to everyone, I get that.

Us men are driven by facts. We have a slow, steady trail we walk, and we will not often depart from that trail. A single fact, however, can get us walking down a similar path, but in the same direction. Does that make sense?

From what I have seen, women are not this way. Women are more emotionally steered and driven. This is not a bad thing, in fact, it's (part of...) what attracts us men to women (If that's your thing). A woman can be 100% invested in a relationship, and into a guy, and the guy has to slowly come out of his shell to trust her, to let her in, to learn to be vulnerable to her. Of course, if she hurts him, that makes it hard.

I see it like this. Men, and women, are ships int he ocean. Us men have a rudder that steers us, but our rudder is small. It takes time for the massive ship to change direction.

For women, their rudder is much larger, but when it turns, their ship can change fairly quickly. The problem isn't the rudder, though, the problem is the windows in her vessel. She starts out, all the windows showing bright, clear, white light, or perhaps with a soft red glow of love... The problem is, as she feels insulted, or damaged, or let down, those lights begin to dim. A few lights going dim, the ship is still lit up... But when enough lights go dim, she can die inside. If she isn't careful, her rudder can begin to steer her ship away from his.

THE PROBLEM.

The problem with men, is that society teaches us to lust after women. To want sex. Who teaches men to appreciate all of who a woman is? To nurture, care for, and temper her? Almost no-one. We are taught to chase tail, to want sex. We are taught women are perfect the way they are, and that is also completely untrue.

Women are never taught to be in control of their emotions. Women are taught to "Feel freely". (I am woman, I am right! How may of us men have experienced this? Some women even admit it! They are always right! Wrong!!!) This is a great error. Our feelings change, constantly, and life always throws us around. Kim, the woman in my life, has said, if she is hurt, or offended, she gives herself a day to see if she still feels that way. If after a day, she still feels hurt, she gives it another day.

She is inadvertently tempering her emotions this way.

I have dated women who, when offended, they just run with it. Hurting me, and our relationship.

In my life, I have seen countless men treat women like objects, stifling their hearts and minds, desiring sex, and stopping there in their own development. This is so damaging!

I have also seen many women (80% of divorces are filed by women) give up on their men and run away, before the issues can be ironed out. This damaged the men (Who many times will end their own lives) and damages the women, as, statistically speaking, drastically increases the chances of future divorces. If only they would have turned their emotions down and stuck with it for just a little while longer. I think, society teaches people to "Get out of toxic relationship!" Too soon. "You deserve to be happy!" they say. Well, these people often end up twice as unhappy in the end. They can "Never be wrong" right into dying alone. (Not with an SO)

Anyways, after we talked this morning, I was, again, lead to understand her better. Turns out, the devils in my mind that constantly whisper fear and discord in my heart, are being proven wrong. I am finding this woman, to be a virtuous and loyal woman, a woman of tempered emotion. What marvel is this to me? We are REAL with each other, we hold NOTHING back, and we are 100% honest with one another... If it was anything less, what would be the profit in that?! If I can't be real with someone, do I want them in my life? I put on a "face" for people (And so did she) for so long, we're both utterly sick and tired of it. We won't have fakeness in our lives any more.

Now, before you start reminding yourself of how lonely you are, remember, dear reader, I spent nearly all of my 40 years in crippling loneliness. DO NOT ENVY ME.

In fact, it wasn't until I was finally, truly happy alone, that I was given Kim, and only a literal moment after I "Saw myself" in my van, with a delicious beer, belly laughing over youtube videos, enjoying my life, after years of being "The worlds most miserable man" ™ diagnosed bipolar 2, OCD, with severe depression.

Okay, I went all over the place with this, but in walmart today, with Kim, we were so relieved to see the barren shelves somewhat re stocked, I found myself ultra-grateful for the things I had constantly taken for granted. In a moment I believe of God, God had shown me where nearly every moment of my life, in pure misery, I had said to myself, "I can't wait for this shit to end. Fuck, I just want to die. Fuck ALL this shit. God damn pointless bullshit that never ends..." (<--- 40 constant, passionate years of this!!!) and all the stuff that used to be true for me. I resolved there, that I would turn that attitude, that self-talk around, and start walking the opposite direction. It was the first time I had done so, on this level. I can tell you, the changes in my attitude and mood were immediate.

I suddenly became utterly grateful for all the wonderful things in my life... I resolved to continue my life, to provide for Kim and her (our) kids... (Again, do not remind yourself of your loneliness. This will keep you miserable! Instead, dear reader, endeavor to be content and happy as a single person. If you can accomplish this, you will be infinitely more happy with a SO. It is a grave disservice to place your happiness on someone else shoulders. It is a wonderful way to stay miserable! Be happy by yourself! It is possible!)

So, in that moment, I decided to cease the negative self-talk, my own languishing will combining so well with the talking devils, getting me to desire and crave death, to being happy I am alive, loving the wonderful things in my life, including my SO, to even beginning to love God. As strange as that sounds. I have always struggled with my idea of God, and attributed so much of my suffering as His direct hatred of me. All my life I believed this, with a righteous passion. And cautiously, today, in wal mart, I also decided that it was... "Safe" to love my Creator.

In fact, I encourage everyone reading this to allow God into your lives, I personally believe Jesus made the way, that is my belief. I think religion has damaged and distorted Gods true essence terribly, I am one of its victims. We are all just damaged humans in a broken world, trying to figure out how to get through life with the least amount of suffering as possible.

Every day it gets harder to hate people, to attribute their sins to them, as I see more and more brokenness in myself brought to light, not to shame me, but to be viewed for repair and right-alignment with unchanging truth.

Please, stop the negative self-talk, don't agree with the devils who wish to harm you. You are valuable, you are precious. Endeavor to be happy... By yourself. It is indeed, possible. Remember, these things have taken 40 years (!!!) for me to learn, trudging through endless sorrow, and suffering.

Remember, neuralplasticity takes time. But in order for your brain to change, you must endeavor to change. I am medication free, I have beaten most of the crippling depression. As I see how wonderful my life has always been, and practice being grateful for even the small things (Especially the small things! I just ate ramen (the 22c kind from wal mart, chicken flavor, with an egg!) noodles! They were good!) the neuralplasticity from depression, begins changing to a mind of joy. And gratitude.

Enjoy yourselves. Enjoy, and crave your solitude. Practice stoicism. (Being in control of your emotions) You are stronger than you can imagine. You can do this. Lasting change is rarely instant. Your progress won't be linear (Steady and always increasing) and that's okay... Try and be grateful for just one thing a week. Maybe get to one thing a day. Think on the GOOD things you have, NOT (!!!) what is bad! There will ALWAYS be bad things. There will ALWAYS be things that "Would be nice" to have. That we forget the amazing, wonderful things that we DO have.

So be grateful, guys. Be contented by yourselves.

The world will recover from the COVID thingy, and we will be TWICE as grateful for fully stocked shelves. I couldn't stop smiling in wal mart. I thanked a few employees. I joked with them and wished them good health. Things are gonna be okay my dudes.

I love you guys.

Be good (And strong) out there.

Ugh oh my gosh.

So I have spent the first 40 years of my life basically alone. Not just alone but existing in what feels like perpetual broken hearted crushing loneliness.

I've had a few "relationships" none of which lasted or was of substance.

Recently a person has come (back) into my life that has changed everything I thought about love...

Mainly that it isn't something you feel, but rather something you practice and do... And more than that, it's often not like in the movies (smiles and hand holding etc)

I have had to work out seemingly endless trauma from my childhood, incredibly wrong thinking, wrong beliefs I clung to like my very soul depended on them... Toxic attitudes that I had to swallow to survive the atmosphere growing up.

It has shocked me how much I thought I knew about "love" and was incredibly wrong. My views of the opposite sex... My issues "trying" to be "good enough"...

It turns out I was raised to be a "gentleman" (among other things...) So harshly that I vowed never to hurt a woman, and ended up destroying myself in a way, trying to be so gentle I end up being so afraid of harming them I end up appearing to be distant.

A complete disconnect from the reality of the tender requirements of the opposite sex.

A relationship completely performance based on my part, overly sensitive, and shocking in my demands I place on people, things they were never supposed to be burdened with. Stemming from performance, rather than a desire to nurture and please the other person.

To make matters worse, she is a highly sensitive empath, and to make them much worse, so am I. We can't hide from each other.

My battles register to her as withdrawing. When I feel her pain I battle within myself... Put it all on myself, and she feels me withdraw even further. I am so afraid of causing her pain I end up just doing... nothing.

I realize how little I know and how naked I actually am. What am I even doing?

We do... However talk. We talk a lot. I am sometimes painfully honest about my struggles,and she can hear the wrong thing, and I hear the wrong thing from her and we realized recently we need to take our battles and positions in life, our pasts into consideration, because her soul is not masculine, and it operates much differently than mine does...

It is a point of contention as much as it is a beautiful interface with my masculine soul.

I am thankful for her tenderness and kindness when I feel like I have withdrawn, torturing myself at night thinking I have failed her... Being so painfully aware she is an entirely different creature than I am.

I am trying to reconcile these Revelations into my stories I write, which are every one a love story. How much more complicated and painful life is than the tender hope in my heart.

In short, I ached for love for so, so long. But now that I have what I wanted, I'm realizing it's different than I thought. The biggest blessings come from the deepest sorrows. Whatever honeymoon period we had is either yet to come or has long passed. We do not exist in a joyless union, but one of painful leaving of our shells, terrifying vulnerability, self conflagration, and the labor of accepting another souls truths in our hearts.

Now that I have what I wanted, it is terrifyingly easy to forget every ounce and shred of agonizing loneliness... Because who wants to relive the sufferings of times past?

Yet it's necessary, to remind one's self of the gift you have. If she were to leave, some times it seems like it would be okay, and yet, other times it seems as if life would be irrevocably damaged. I am a highly passionate man, I am honest with myself, part of me whispers that I would not end up okay without her... Because she brings so much to the table, everything I would realize in painful reality, if we were to go our ways, as it is said you never know what you have until it's gone... And yet to mine and search out those things, to take a step back until gratitude is developed, is a difficult and painful thing, setting comfort aside and instead grasping at what matters, perhaps for a greater reward later on, forsaking temporary pleasures to build a lasting foundation that will last a lifetime.

I wish every one of you a ease of your burdens, a relief from pain, an end to sorrow.

May you find what your heart has always wanted.

So I'm sitting in my 40 year old truck, pumping out 1500 gallons of water leak flood water, and thinking about the last year.

Man it was hard!

While it had some good moments, and overall it did get better in some ways, I'm glad this year is over!

I have a feeling 2020 is going to be the year things turn around for many folks. I hope so, at least.

Happy New year, guys.

Pro tip,
Spoiler alert

If you +watch a whole bunch of artists...

Your inbox is going to be packed with more, and more art, until there is so much art, giving each piece the attention it deserves becomes impossible. If you take a break from FA even for a day or two, there's gonna be so much art in there that catching up becomes a guilty, joyless chore. I have no idea how to fix this.

This has been your PSA, please enjoy your day.

(Edit: This also applies not only to submissions, but journals as well)

(Edit2: Admiral Obvious, here. I have learned to still appreciate the multitude of art that fills my inbox. It is good.)

This person:  kegeti

Has 400 watchers and I am doing a signal boost!

Here's the journal: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/32497636/

Thanks for reading :)

Here's a cute camping YCH guys. I love camping! I live to be in nature, and this one is adorable.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/32177934/

Hey guys,


So I wrote another story I called "Aspasia". My Naakaanee people are kind of primitive wolf people who have soft and beautiful hearts. I got tired of them being inferior to humans with technology so I created the Lunarii, who are Naakaanee who were seduced by fallen angels but ended up with the technology of the universe (Long story)

Aspasia gives up her immortality to come to Earth (She is a sapient anthropomorphic wolf person) to spend her life with a human man she believes is intertwined with her spirit. (If anyone wants to read the story, note me with your email address and I'll send it to you. I think it might be the first story I publish on Amazon!)

She lives with her mother, Mara, aboard a Galactic Destroyer, a ship that dwarfs our planet, and is capable of passing through planets.

On this ship is a guard, a guard of her people, an eight foot tall muscle bound wolf-guy who calls himself "Thor" by our human mythology (They have seen many, many worlds and many, many peoples. My fursona is based on Thor's people, but unlike him, my race of wolf people are more hedonistic. My friend called the below "An epic space opera")

In the story I make Thor a very manly, attractive, but stoic and sworn to celibacy, because his wife died in battle, he swore never to love another woman again. (Despite two of the most powerful women in the universe wanting him)

I recently came across this song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jmk5frp6-3Q

It's a very epic song. When I am driving (I like to drive, but mostly for work) my overactive imagination imagines epic scenarios with my characters, and as much as I would like to animate some of them, alas, I cannot.

SO! I decided to do what I do best, which is to write. I wrote an epic space opera! I analyzed the music second by second and came up with a blow by blow scene of Thor, when he lost his wife in battle. I hope you enjoy it, despite the somber note I tried to make it resonate with heart strings.

(The Set are an ancient race of creatures expelled from Heaven who are constantly trying to wipe out the universe)

00:00-00:33- Thor and his wife court, become friends, and eventually marry. Thor gives her his sacred ring, made from the rarest of minerals in the universe, with his familial blood-crest on it.

00:34-00:55 The Set begin amassing and creating an armada to lay waste to planets and civilizations. Their only goal is to destroy all God has created.

00:56- 01:04 The Lunarii begin amassing their own armada in response. Thor and his wife are both warriors and are present.

01:04–01:23 The Set attack. Battle ensues. The battle rages more and more intense.

01:23 – 01:56 Thor's wife and him are separated, she agrees to fight in other corners of the universe, taking an armada with her. The battle rages.

01:57- 02:12 His wife fights a loosing attack. The Set were lying in wait. They have a creature that spits white hot fireballs, her armada suffers heavy losses in that quadrant.

02:13- 02:30 Thor's wife fights valiantly, and bravely, though she is outnumbered. The battle is raging all around her.

02:30- 03:05 His wife is successful in destroying much of the ambushing attackers. She fights, with small numbers, bravely, wiping out many of the Set.

03:06-03:16 His wife is killed by the creature, her ship is destroyed, just when they thought they had the upper hand.

03:17-03:34 Thor gets the distress call and begins hyperdimensional travel to meet her where she was fighting, to help her. He overloads his reactor to get there faster, faster than the rest of the armada.

03:35-04:12 Thor crashes through to her quadrant of the universe, seeing the wreckage of Lunarii ships and Set alike. He scans for life signs, hoping his wife is still alive.

04:13-04:17 Thor finds the wedding band with his family crest on it, broken, and floating in space.

04:17-04:26 Thor is shocked, then enraged. The copilot, the ship's avatar sitting next to him in the cockpit (A hologram, but realistic) senses Thor's rage, and they both begin pushing the reactor past safe tolerances, energizing simultaneous weapons systems.

04:26-04:35 The ship, with it's fireblade technology, plasma cannons, and antimatter energy weapon turn to face the remaining Set, and their monster. The ship is lighting antimatter on fire, and appears to be burning, though through the flames you can see the hull.

04:36-04:43 The Set see the lone ship, and attack.

04:43-04:50 Thor engages the Set, flying through their ranks and ships, slicing through them, setting them ablaze, heading straight for the monster.

04:50-06:00 The remaining Lunarii ships emerge in that embattled quadrant.

06:01-06:15 Thor's ship plunges into the monster, that appears to be made out of liquid magma.

06:16-06:26 Thor's ship blasts through the creature, tearing it in half. His ship is floating in space, badly damaged. Thor himself has passed out, hoping to have joined his wife in the next life.

06:26-06:35 The remaining Lunarii ships drive the Set back into deep space, and a ship finds Thor's damaged Drone.

Final scene: Thor, kneeling at his wife's grave, tears streaming from his broken face, vows never to love another, so long as he lives.

I am watching a video on YouTube, and the guy made the comment while passing a rack filled with 400 different magazines, and his brother said "A magazine for every personality!"

Well, this website has 40,000 people on it give or take any any given time, what about us?

Seriously, why not a magazine for furry that's mainstream. Not a magazine filled with juicy girls and pinups that will freak people out and confuse them, but say an attractive picture of various anthros and backgrounds for them, intensive stories with them. Of course some pictures drawn of various anthros just like any other magazine featuring people, just cartoon animal people. Artists could contribute and authors/writers can collaborate. Kind of...

Humanizing the furry subculture to the rest of the world, showing them there's more to it than the adult aspect of it. I think this is a good idea and should be pursued. I think the time is now for a dignified, intelligent furry friendly regular magazine that's on the shelves everywhere, grocery stores, etc.

What do you think?

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9154875/

If you can donate, or send encouragement, I would appreciate it :)

Here is a video of a rarely gifted psychologist on the dynamics of shame.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IAbe3Vmulng

I know that shame is a murderer, it kills our spirits, it keeps us tied up and in bondage. It helps us lose control of ourselves. And it is a liar. Shame that cripples is a liar, shame that guides you into a healthier lifestyle to make immediate and proper corrections is good. But shame that has no cure... It is evil. I am about a quarter of the way into it, but it is very good, it comes highly recommended.

I highly encourage everyone to give this a watch, it can help you live your life.

I need you to do me a favor and click this link. No, it's not a trick.

https://m.imgur.com/gallery/zMqNbfx

Go ahead and give those memes a good looking over.

Apply them to yourself, most of them, perhaps even all of them.

I know that life is a grinder that eats people up and forces us to deal with trauma sometimes on the daily, like hot lava in our hands, we don't know what to do, most of the time, other times, we do the complete wrong thing, and we can end up feeling like a total failure...

But those feelings are just feelings. That voice in your head telling you that you're ugly... Or worthless... It's a mean bastard. And it's ONLY job is to constantly put you down. What kind of job is that? Because that's all he can do is lie to you and bring you down. SO don't listen to that voice...

I know a lot of you hate God and that's okay. God can take it. We blame God for everything bad, at least, that's something I struggle with.

But the truth is that God gave us this planet, He gave us life, and He gave us the ability to give Him the finger and screw this world, animals, and other people up, and guess what, that's exactly what "we" did.

So hate people, right? Well, no. We can identify as non human, but the truth is, we are all human, unless someone's pet dog is staring at this screen and suddenly can read.

No, even down to the most evil, hideous twisted and evil person, that person was broken so terribly at one point in their lives, that they were unable to recover, and that little voice whispering vile lies in their head convinced them that humans had no worth, animals had no value, and this world was a shitty place. All of those things are lies...

I know, because I used to be a shitty person. I still kinda am. I am a lot better today, and I have learned a lot about myself. I shame myself a lot. I even hate myself, sometimes. I feel like a failure, in spite of the evidence to the contrary (I own one business, am starting another, i own land, vehicles, I have, or had everything I ever wanted, and I even have a tractor! I worked through hell to get what I own, i suffered for years to get it.)

Terrible things were done to me as a child, and I swallowed it all. I took it all inside and let it eat away the tender parts of me that were capable of love. I turned into a vile, hateful, angry, violent boy who turned into a burnout teenager, who turned into a criminal adult. It took two drug overdoses and a 240LB wolf to get me out of my path of self destruction.

I worked not on my depression, but on myself someone once said depression is a sign that something is wrong. I took meds for depression and they WORKED. And when I couldn't afford them any more, I was back to square one, and i realized, it's only a band aid. But for what?

Battling OCD, Bipolar, depression, and crippling anxiety without meds was, and is hard. But I am working through it... God is helping me. I accepted Jesus when I was very young and God never forgot that. God is showing me in all the ways the wiring in my mind... and soul... was so screwed up. As a child I was forced to deal with sexual trauma, physical trauma, emotional trauma, and even spiritual/religious twisting trauma, all at once, when my young mind literally had zero coping mechanisms. I dealt with it, finding gossamer, fleeting tendrils of peace and enjoyment where I could, but I did a terrible job, really.

If I disassociate myself from myself, and I look at myself as an extremely sensitive, vulnerable little boy, that adults, and even other children took advantage of, treated like I was subhuman, of zero or even negative worth and value, I weep for that child.

Today God is helping me unf*ck my soul. My mind. My terrible, terrible, misogynistic (Women and girls abused me, too. Their cutting words were more vicious and cruel than anything the men and other boys did to me.) and misanthropic thinking I clung to like my eternity depended on it. I was so ferocious holding onto the things that were slowly poisoning my to death I would make a religious fanatic blush. Combine this with a very high IQ and you have a walking hot, melty mess of a human being.

Working through trauma is hard. It's hard as f*ck. It's also agonizingly painful, because you must learn to release and let go all, or most of the things that you got so little pleasure from... Because it's the ONLY pleasure you ever knew, in a sea of dark black wretched suffering. It seems like you'll never be happy... But one good thing I learned is that all of my desires, even the weird ones, are rooted in godly things that God intended for my benefit... But I allowed them to become twisted, far from their proper use, grasping at fleeting enjoyment. But when I let them go, I end up with them returning right back to me... But healed, this time. Healthy. Able to give me more joy than I ever thought was possible.

But I will never get that joy unless I let go. The more I let go, more is returned to me, better, overflowing with goodness.

But most of all, I am learning to let myself go. Growing up in an unhealthy Christian home I was either perfect or I was worthless. And trying to cope with everything else, I pushed it all down. I can't blame my parents, they suffered as children, too. Hurt people... hurt people.

But guess what, I am a fallible, flawed human being who doesn't know everything. Thrust into a world that can be unrelentingly cruel. I need to be merciful to myself. Because I am not perfect. Heck, I am not even really a good person outside of God. Left to my instincts I am frightened and disgusted with the things that seem good. So I cling to a God who has said "I will never leave you, nor forsake you." I work through the agony of self introspection, the cutting of wires and lifelines in my mind and heart, to allow them to be re attached in their proper connections.

Able to truly give love, see people as God intended and not as they are, because we're all a bit of a mess, really, there's no use in trying to hide it.

And if I can tell you, dear reader anything today, it is, forgive yourself. You aren't perfect, although it's fun to believe that about ourselves, it is ultimately self- destructive because it simply isn't true. And, whiel you may not be perfect, you strong badass, you ARE doing the best you can right now, with what you've been given. Give yourself some credit. In fact... You could say you are doing better than anyone else would be doing, if they were "Sitting in your shoes" right now. You are kicking ass... We beat ourselves up for our failures but we NEVER give ourselves credit when we do good. We just... glance over it. Well, that's bullshit, you deserve credit, and you do deserve to be pardoned... By yourself.

One thing I know, and it's stressed in the Bible, is that God does not see us as we are, but rather, as He created us to be. He doesn't see a little boy, teenager, and adult filled with hatred, cursing God with every breath, he sees a sensitive, vulnerable, delicate human being who coped with bad shit the wrong way, and held onto his toxic beliefs with an adamantium deathgrip from hell. Through much suffering, I have begun to let it all go. Even my wrong beliefs about God, which is why I can say, if you hate God, He isn't up there, all offended, or angry. I can't count how many times I cursed God, and IU got real personal about it, too. But, He's waiting... Molding you into the world- changing, wonderful human being you truly are.

I know, because in spite of my best efforts to screw myself, he is still working in me.

Today I have never been happier. It's not a superficial happiness, but one that soaks down into the very essence of my being. It's not something that can be taken away from me. If I lose everything, tomorrow, I can still see a weed poking up from the asphalt and revel in its beauty, and smile.

Yeah, I can still be a dick, and I am aware of that, and I am working on it. The fight is constant, sometimes, and draining. The "Good fight" as the Bible calls it sometimes just feels like a fight. That never goes away... But that's a lie, too. Because this morning I woke up with two wonderful dogs, pressing themselves into me. I woke up with dank memes on my phone, excellent furry art in my inbox, and a cutting plotter I got at a garage sale for fifty bucks (I can make stickers with it, hello side business!)

Dude, life is so wonderful. It's not all the time I get to be aware of how great, and wonderful, and amazing, and mysteriously cool life is, sometimes I feel just the opposite. Thank GOD my feelings do not dictate reality, or the world would be covered in white hot fire on my bad days... And everyone, and everything would be burned up and I would be glad. Yeah, I'm messed up like that, but those days are getting fewer. Less intense. And further between. Without meds, although I could really lay off the booze in the evenings, in fact, starting today, i will.

So, dear readers, ladies, gents, otherkin, take it from a survivor, from a guy who was even bitten (Uh, a few times) by a "real" wolf, it gets better. I do not care if the crisis, nagging depression, hopelessness is whispering vile garbage and has been since you were a kid, it's bullshit. Learn to forgive yourself, see that poor child, filled with hope, and the free-willed people who took it from you, see that child and weep for him. Weep for her. Give yourself a hug, and tell yourself it is Okay. It is okay to be broken, to hurt, it is OKAY TO BE ASHAMED. Because we're all a little warped, we're all a little twisted, and we can work on what ails us, and it definitely is a walk, not a sprint.

Real change happens over time, sometimes excrutiatingly.

Naw, you're alright. You're doing the best you can, and if you saw you, you would see that you are smashing it. You're getting through it. The biggest lie is that it'll last forever. It won't I promise, you have my word on that. If you're considering suicide, please, drop those thoughts. They're toxic. DOn't even joke about, do not flirt with the idea of ending your life, just stop. SO many beautiful, wonderful things like you cannot even comprehend await you. You are forgetting all the good... And focusing on a pain that is killing you. Let it go. It doesn't have to kill you. I find that depression is actually addictive... I also find that everything bad in my life are things, on a level, that I actually want there, invited into my life, and even enjoyed, as they killed me inside.

Hard pill to swallow, but you must. You have come this far, your warrior badass, you survivor, you amazing, wonderful, incredibly tough person, you.

Keep fighting, keep going, keep walking through Hell, because Hell is only so big, the fires will abate, and soon, you will find that all that darkness, the feeling you had to live there, was just a lie. That not everyone is evil, not everyone is out to hurt you. And even those who are, are so torn up and broken inside if you could feel their pain you would weep for them.

I hope this helps, plants a seed in someone's heart. I hope this gives you hope. I am not trying to be religious, I am just sharing a truth I have learned. I know for a fact that Jesus is real, I know for a fact that He loves you so much the word "love" is a pathetic excuse for the true compassion He has for you. I know that Jesus is waiting for you to give Him permission to heal you, and I tell you now, it will not be easy. Now is the time of salvation, my friends, if you call on Jesus at any time He will answer you... But it may take time before you are ready to hear His voice =) I know it took almost 40 years for me.

I pray that everyone reading this has a blessed day, I hope you find joy in something that you never saw joy in before, I hope you get that thing you always wanted, I hope today you see beauty in another human being, not on the outside, but on the inside. I pray you find strength to keep going that never fails you, and never leaves you.

Life is hard, it is scary, but there is hope.

I love you all.


*Edit I wanted to say one of the hardest things to come to terms with was the fact that I was wrong, wrong in how I "felt". I was convinced my feelings were based on some sort of concrete reality that was sovereign- boy was I wrong. Rather than believing whole heartedly in a jumbled up mess of toxic emotions that were constructed by my own ignorance, but a malevolent entity I had a relationship with sure helped lots. Satan is never going to say, "Oh, gee, that'll kill ya, better not do that!" No, he'll throw you head first into the flames as far as you're willing to go. My problem was I didn't really have any limits.

So, thank God for being wrong, dead wrong, and my emotions not equaling reality, or truth. It is a sobering epiphany, but a neccessary one. I am not God, oftentimes I am not in control, and that is okay. And that is a good thing... Because I break stuff. Even inside myself I break stuff. I am glad God is not surprised, confused, angry, or put off by my stupid mistakes, wrong thinking, and doing the dumb thing over and over and over and over and over and over (Did I mention I did it before? Well I'm doing it again. I'm touching the hot stove because getting burned is fun, wait, isn't it?)

God is instead waiting for me to admit I am wrong, admit I cannot change, and say, "Lord, help." His response is never, "No." His response is always, "This is the best way." Sometimes it takes time to hear His voice, though. Sometimes all we hear is silence and think He hates us. There's that lying voice, again. And again, and again.

Anyway, hope today is better than yesterday for you. I hope you consider something positive as you read this, even if only for a moment. I hope you hold onto that little bit of light. You deserve it.

Hi,

I was thinking the other day... I give my dogs kisses, smooches, hugs, cuddles and snuggles, talk baby talk, tell them I love them, and always try and show them affection when they are around me.

I am trying to reorient my mind and heart and soul and spirit to as reality-based as possible... In doing so, it has come to my attention that at the basest of understanding, dogs are merely an animal that guards our homes, barking when something is amiss. To be fed the same food until their short lifespan is over. To not be shown much affection at all, because it is a limited use animal, and not a human being, who has more dimensions of personality.

Now, I understand this view. It is not incorrect. But if it is not wrong, then why am I so in love with my dogs? Why do I show them undue affection, and squee simply because they exist...

Then this morning it came to me.

If one of my dogs, or both, ran into a burning house and dragged me out before I burned to death, would I not shower that pooch, or both pooches, with undue affection until the day they passed on? Would I not do this??? Wouldn't anyone?

Well. I am a very sensitive empath, I am sensitive to some spiritual things that some other people can not sense or feel. (It can be a huge curse, and has caused me a great deal of grief until I learned to even try to control it and not get flooded with overwhelming emotions of all kinds) I also live alone. I have been hurt horribly by the opposite sex. I have been hurt by the same sex. So I am enjoying the freedom of being single, and have been for some time.

When I am near my dogs, or hugging them, or in bed when they curl up on either side of me and push themselves up against me, as I toss and turn throughout the night, there is a pup on each side, that I can lay my arm on and hug, or stretch my arm out underneath, nuzzling them or even giving them a smooch and saying what a good boy or good girl they are, while making exaggerated kissing noises... I *feel* such a pure, selfless, wonderful spirit from them. It literally calms my spirit down, puts me at ease, causes me to sigh, and relax. It is almost involuntary. I know these babies will never, ever hurt me.

So, in effect, I do live in soul crushing loneliness... Right now the alternative to that loneliness is actually worse than that loneliness. But, in being alone, I must also endure the loneliness. So if these wonderful, gentle rescue babies, my pups, my doggos, my pooches provide my vexed soul with comfort, with a reason to go home, even sometimes a reason to keep pushing on, to keep going in life, do these dogs not pull me out of the fire on a daily basis?

And if so, then, are they not due all the affection, appreciation, and gratitude I can provide?

Food for thought, I hope, guys :3

Hey guys!

I am sorry I have not yet responded to comments. I have been insanely busy and my laptop crashed. I've had to put in a new hard drive in it and now I have operating system woes that I'm in the middle of wading through.

Truly, I hope this year finds you better than the previous... Life is full of struggles and pain... But things do get better.

I have taken a break from writing, which I don't like doing because writing is my passion but I tend to over produce if I don't take breaks.

This morning I wrote a little something... I hope you guys like it.

Comments are welcome. May this year be better than the last.

I took in her visage as she folded the clothes, her long auburn hair masking her face, but not her mouth. She was a woman from another world, an impossible distance from my own. Some said her facial features were more akin to an animal than a human... But anyone who bothered to get to know a Naakaanee came to understand they were as kind hearted, decent, and intelligent as any human alive.

And yet, when she turned to look at me, feeling my eyes studying her, she blinked for a moment, her expressive and pointy ears moving slightly back, dulling her sense of hearing to let me know she had no malice in her heart... A gentle blush in the form of the small hairs on her cheeks bunching up as the skin underneath tightened, and no doubt turned a form of red I could not see.

Another slow, gentle closing of her soft, cool yellow eyes, the edges of her soft pink lips curled up in a sweet, gentle, feminine smile for me.

She indeed had features of many earth canines... But when she looked into my eyes with that look of love, the way her soft eyes glowed so softly, reflecting light reversely through her gentle irises, combined with her smile, and her delicate yet powerful hands gently clasping that green shirt I liked so much, it was a beauty universal to both our worlds.

“What?” She finally spoke, that grin widening, that blush intensifying, as she turned, slightly to face me.

I wasn't aware of my own smile until I tried to smile for her- But I had been smiling, unconsciously.

“I just...” I said, feeling her gentle, vulnerable feminine spirit in the air between us, her people being highly empathic.

“I just love you.”

It came out softer and quieter than I had wanted. The way I felt about her cried out inside... But I knew better then to emote like that.

She gently set the shirt down and padded on those bare feet over to me, falling into my arms. I wouldn't trade the warmth my heart and spirit felt in these moments when she was this close to me for anything.

I pulled her in close, sighing as she used her muzzle to give me an additional hug, pressing it against my back, her eyes closed, the palms of her hands pressing gently into my back.

She had that effect on me. On my spirits.

Instantly I relaxed, knowing the love she held for me in her heart... And feeling it as if her heart was beating in my chest, the telepathic bond between us that intense.

And she, accepting my human love for her, in all of its flaws, cherishing it, although some times I doubted if I, not only a man but a human man at that- was truly worthy of such a wonderful person.

She chuckled at my insecurities, and I knew it was a uniquely human flaw to doubt one's love and passion... Ones worthiness of love and compassion.

“You're so funny.” She whispered softly, ending it with a chuckle, and a gentle withdraw from my clingy arms, she looked into my eyes, her eyes softly glowing, ears fully back now.

I gave her a gentle peck on her lips, as she smiled, her face lighting up. We both walked back to the pile of laundry, her head leaning and resting on mine, her soft, warm hand in my own.

I helped her fold the rest of the laundry, and did the dishes for her after breakfast.

Later that day we stepped out on our balcony, enjoying the sunlight in Alaska, after I turned to see her bright eyes and bright face smiling so beautifully at me, expressing that feminine joy that my masculine soul craved to feast on with my eyes.

My hand found its way to gently caress her back, my fingertips exploring every muscle, every vertebrae, finally ending by pressing my palm against her blouse, in a pseudo-massage that caused a bit of warmth to soak into her back in spite of the chill in the air.

She turned to press her belly to my own, as she stood with me, her muzzle tucked in and against my chest, in deep and pure Naakaanee trust. We held each other, enjoying each others company on the deck of our remote Alaskan home. It was moments like this that made life worth living, that made my world calm down for a moment, where it was only us two, together, close.

Hey guys i hope you all had a good Christmas! I didn't have much planned but it ended up being good :)

I'm also sorry I didn't say this yesterday, I also had it planned and somehow I just kept getting distracted.

Right now I am fitting a weeks worth of solid fabrication into a few days and it's just not working. I'm taking my Dodge conversion van and putting a sleeper top from a Chevy on it, fitting it with solar panels, a septic tank and toilet (From a Ford conversion van so I have parts from all 3 domestic car companies haha), making a captains chair on a swivel, installing skid plates, and mounting a front receiver hitch and portable winching system for front/rear use so I can get myself into those sweet camping spots far and away from everything :)

Also have a Wilson cell phone amplifier, 32" TV, so hopefully will have the innernets out there. I can "Rough it" but I can find myself bored, so I like netflix, and taking college classes in the wilderness. I am literally never anxious or depressed when I am in the wilderness. I will also get to real world test the solar array, (240W, MPPT charge controller, 1KW pure sine wave inverter, 12V system) and have an inverter generator as a backup. I would have thought Honda or Yamaha would have been the first to incorporate bluetooth fuel level, runtime, and shut off via cellphone app, but it was Ryobi. :) Real time test of fuel consumption will commence as well.

I am super psyched about it but I was hoping to be done by Christmas (hahahaha) but it's looking like I'll still be welding stuff even tomorrow.

I'll reply to the last journal comments *(Thank you guys!) when I am able sorry I haven't yet.

*ALSO*

I DO have more wolf pictures I want to post. The statutes of limitations of doing dumb stuff around wolves has passed, so hopefully now I can post them... Long story short I accidentally let a woman with her young kids in with a pen with wolves in it... Actually it was alright, but there should have been a more experienced handler in there at the time (I was new, then and didn't know the protocols that well at the time. I knew it would be fine and it was). Anyway the reaction to the human kids by the wolves was NOT what ANYONE would have expected. In fact it was beautiful. I may be posting them soon so keep an eye out for it.

Thank you guys for reading, and hang in there, everyone!

So yesterday I caught myself smiling. I have never smiled. I mean, I will laugh at a joke, or when something funny happens... But my normal face is pretty much "Resting murder face" all of the time. I do this because I am tall and I intimidate people... I walk fast and have a thousand yard stare from all the stuff I have been through and it keeps people from ever approaching me or talking to me and that's how I have wanted it for a long time.

As a Christian and knowing my Creator, the last decade has been God working in me to fix all of the trauma I suffered as a child. The rejection, violence. Wrong beliefs I held onto with a deathgrip... That were, well, wrong. And making me miserable. It's been hard and it has sucked, I won't lie. I've been off all prescription medication for depression and anxiety for over 20 years and I have never been happier.

Catching myself smiling just because I am happy and in a good mood is something that I can honestly say has never happened in my life. At least, not like this. In all my 39 years. I am discovering the person I was supposed to be had this evil world never gotten it's cruel hands on me and twisted me up when I was growing.

Anyway I guess I said all that to say this. Whatever you're going through... It gets better. I used to take drugs until I felt numb, anything to escape the pain of being me. Of being alive. I took comfort when I was a teenager sleeping with a loaded rifle, it's muzzle under my chin. I cut my skin to feel any kind of pain, to distract me from the pain in my soul, in my being.

It gets better.

Don't give up.

Keep fighting. You will NOT have to endure this forever. Do NOT kill yourself. Don't commit suicide. (Do yourself a favor. Stop thinking about it. Thoughts give it power. Give no power to the weakness of giving up. Soon, you will rise up. Soon, you will stand on your own. Soon.)

If you told me I would... actually be happy with what I have (And it's not much... Not valuable) and just... be happy in general a year ago I would have given you the stinkeye and laughed. God is restoring all things... And I know, for a fact, that He loves every one of you like you are the most precious soul in existence. :)

Raphial, an artist who's stuff I like, is in real trouble.


If you want, here is his journal:


https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8861519/



Thank you.

Oi I apologize for the fatalistic title friends.

So I lost something recently and it forced me to dig through all my old stuff, and I happened upon an old sketchbook. I decided to open it. (All of my sketchbooks have anthros... Maybe a space ship here and there)

Flipping through the pages I saw my meager but honest attempts to re- draw other people's art, and I felt the spirit behind it. It was so sweet, so innocent. Not that I am drawing "bad" stuff now, although I did draw a nude and one intimate scene (Drew it an hour ago lol) with no bits showing.

After I wrote my first love scene years ago, I remember walking down the dirt road and realizing that sex can be something beautiful... Not something that causes me shame. And that it is something I am "allowed" to experience with someone of the opposite sex, if that makes any sense. Something clean, pure, wonderful, even fun.

Because I guess up until this point in my life the majority of my sexual experiences were fairly awful, and when I was very, very young.

So, the intimate scene of a loving woman and the man who cared for her opened doors in my heart that should have been opened when I hit puberty, but were closed due to the shit that happened to me by people of the same sex, and even cruelty by the opposite sex.

I mentioned I drew an intimate scene not long ago, I got an older laptop that has stylus capabilities and I have been drawing with it fairly often.

In searching for reference art, I tried to find the most loving, caring, devoted, passionate things I can find... And sadly, there's not much out there.

Talking to my best friend, he said that American men are afraid of being called "Gay" if they show a tender, caring, loving side to western women. He cited an example of an ex of his... How utterly sad.

Don't women want men who will truly love them, and appreciate them, and be grateful they are in their lives? Or is that "gay"? How sad that men are not allowed to show any true affection, lest those afraid to confront their tender sides blurt out that they are gay.

Anyway, back to the original point. My art has become a lot more mature. Drawing this scene between a Naakaanee (anthro) woman and a human man was... Amazing, exciting, and dare I say, touching and beautiful. It left me with some pretty powerful emotions, some warm and sensual, others not so much.

Looking back at my earlier art, I am saddened to see that I have lost some of my innocence. Such as Walt Disney drawing hard core art of some of his characters, it's like... Well. I don't know. (I know that is out there but I just... Can't. Keep innocence.. Innocent.)

That said, seeing this affectionate, caring Naakaanee woman, her society based on the truest, purest love and devotion, seeing her so close to this man- not sure what story it will be from, perhaps the one I am writing now, but seeing them together like that, in true passion was simply... Wonderful.

It gave me hope for a wife who will care for me with a pure heart, one day. Who will love me the way I have been dying to be loved all of my life... Hoped, prayed, sacrificed. Brutally introspected with terrifying honesty, my own thoughts, motivations, even the darkness in my heart, all to become the man she wants to be vulnerable to.

In the picture, I experimented with her face, a bit. The expressions ranged from wildly passionate, to lustful, to playful, and finally, I settled on "Happy she is finally with a man who loves her, her heart unassuming, her love pure. Forged in the fires of adversity, he has proven his worthiness of such a maiden, a woman from a pure world untainted by human corruption. Finally, after years of waiting, of knowing one another, of growing fond, of building a lasting foundation that will endure for the remainder of their lives, he sheds his clothes, and she sheds hers. In nervous, but anxious anticipation, they discover what it means to be joined as one.

In short... it was wonderful. But it was also crossing a line. I have to be so careful... Like with writing my first love scene in my stories (it was 20 pages long! 30 if you format it like a novel!) soon every story became a reason for a sex scene, my characters lost their souls, and it became all about sensuality. My stories suffered. And because it was so new, so intense, and appealed to me on such a deep emotional (Not to mention new..) Level, I had to force myself, painfully so, to instead write about true love, rather than... wet, hot sex.

So, in that vein, and with advice from my best friend, I have decided to begin practicing a new form of drawing, layering over references and trying to draw my own thing. It beats doing the same thing but offhand, which often ends up badly proportioned. I am hoping it helps me to get better at digital. It is also especially challenging to substitute an anthropomorphic lupine visage for a human face, getting the spinal alignment right, the expressions. The result was partially cartoony, but I was pretty proud of the spirit of what I had drawn.

So expect to see some affectionate art from a past story, "Captain Jameson's final flight" where a human man crash lands on Sorren, the planet of lupine anthropomorphs. He is stranded, alone, and winter is coming. A lone renegade Naakaanee woman finds him, takes pity on him, and decides to save the strange hairless creature. They go on adventures, battle bad guys, and one day Marty Jameson realizes that he cares for Mitsee Longtail.

Anyway, expect to see some affectionate hugging art, as he realizes how much he loves her, and how much he has missed her, in a touching reunion scene. Perhaps he has come back from battle, worried about her, only to find her safe, as he cries tears of relief =) I may post the story too, why not.

If any artists want to give me some tips on using digital (I use SAI) I would greatly appreciate it!

And again, thanks for reading!!

I hope you take the time to watch this very short reading of some inspirational poetry.

https://youtu.be/sSSqc1qG238

Wow in the last two days three really good artists are selling all their characters, I don't get it, why now?

Check it out:

https://www.boredpanda.com/adorable.....k/?page_numb=2

I have the ability to take some college courses at my local community college.

When I went to see the counselor he was a good help overall, but not specifically for art.

I have taken some color theory classes and things like that in another state, but really it didn't help me, I need to learn the basics of sketching, proportions, drawing etc.

Can any artists tell me what classes they took that were really helpful to them?