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Waiting for some good news...
Posted 7 years agoI know, it's like, I have nearly everything I want in life. But it's hard to come to terms with the fact that it doesn't really give you what you hoped for. It's nice to have what I have and I wouldn't want to be without it, but it really doesn't bring fulfillment.
Years ago I used to help an elderly couple run their food ministry, the only reason I got involved was because I was in a bad spot, basically I was homeless, abandoned on a large ranch where there was a water war going on, all alone, being shot at by the neighbors, no job, miles from anywhere, food running out.
I had enough fuel to go into town and apply at all the fast food joints, no luck. Spending $8 on fuel and hours of collecting cans to recycle by digging in garbage got me $14.
SO I went from church to church trying to figure out who could give me some food, because it was running out... Some churches said I had to be a member for 3 months before they'd give me any food XD Well I'd be dead by then. But one church said, load yourself up! So I did and WOW. I have cake, meat, bread, yogurt, eggs, I went from eating ramen noodles 3x a day for weeks to eating better than I ever had.
I was so grateful I ended up helping them out, and went from being on a ranch that was sold from under me to living with this couple, driving a ten ton diesel truck and picking up food, distributing it to various churches, sober living homes, and etc.
I didn't make a dime, I was never paid any cash. My room and board were taken care of, and of course I ate like a king. To this day I haven't ever eaten as good XD
And so for 6 years I lived like this, maybe doing small jobs here and there to make enough cash to maybe buy something I wanted. I remember having a $20 bill in my wallet, and 3 months later, the same $20 was still in there, nothing had entered into the wallet or come out.
And yet I had my insurance paid, fuel in my bike, food, shelter, but I wasn't saving for the future or anything.
So they eventually dissolve the food ministry and I move out to Arizona with my mom on various horse ranches, because there's work here. Now, I have 5 acres with a million dollar mountain view, butted up against BLM land that will always be wild, I have vehicles, for pleasure, for work, for off roading, for camping. Whereas years ago I had one old truck I barely kept running and was worried about being stranded because of it.
I am well- fed, have a reasonably prosperous construction company (Although things are slow presently). I have two dogs that I adore.
I have a tractor XD
But looking back, living in that ancient, run-down single wide mobile home- and not even in all of it, just the room and bathroom in the back, and the kitchen in the front, the rest of it had freezers and fridges used to keep the ministry food good until we could distribute it.
Looking back on those hard times, when my only TV was a small LCD TV I had to repair, I had 4 TV channels only one of which came in that well, no internet, just miles of mountains and desert expanses... Honestly guys I was never happier, I didn't have money I didn't have the stuff I have now, I had no land, no real home, nowhere to go and no way to get there, but now that I have those things, I realize how fleeting they are. They don't provide any true fulfillment.
The Bible says that one the day of a man's death, all of his plans end.
I am getting right with God. So much is being torn down and broken down in my life, my mind, my heart to be receptive to what is true, what is eternal.
I don't know why I am writing this, honestly, just woke up feeling depressed and kind of Meh. SO much heart break and weird sh*t going on in my life, just... Kinda want some good news to happen for me, but right now, I am not even sure what would truly be "Good news" because so much that seems good... Just isn't. And so much that seems bad, or empty, is actually the way to fulfillment and life.
IDK I'm just rambling, I'm sorry.
I hope y'all get some awesome news today.
Lord knows I could use some.
Years ago I used to help an elderly couple run their food ministry, the only reason I got involved was because I was in a bad spot, basically I was homeless, abandoned on a large ranch where there was a water war going on, all alone, being shot at by the neighbors, no job, miles from anywhere, food running out.
I had enough fuel to go into town and apply at all the fast food joints, no luck. Spending $8 on fuel and hours of collecting cans to recycle by digging in garbage got me $14.
SO I went from church to church trying to figure out who could give me some food, because it was running out... Some churches said I had to be a member for 3 months before they'd give me any food XD Well I'd be dead by then. But one church said, load yourself up! So I did and WOW. I have cake, meat, bread, yogurt, eggs, I went from eating ramen noodles 3x a day for weeks to eating better than I ever had.
I was so grateful I ended up helping them out, and went from being on a ranch that was sold from under me to living with this couple, driving a ten ton diesel truck and picking up food, distributing it to various churches, sober living homes, and etc.
I didn't make a dime, I was never paid any cash. My room and board were taken care of, and of course I ate like a king. To this day I haven't ever eaten as good XD
And so for 6 years I lived like this, maybe doing small jobs here and there to make enough cash to maybe buy something I wanted. I remember having a $20 bill in my wallet, and 3 months later, the same $20 was still in there, nothing had entered into the wallet or come out.
And yet I had my insurance paid, fuel in my bike, food, shelter, but I wasn't saving for the future or anything.
So they eventually dissolve the food ministry and I move out to Arizona with my mom on various horse ranches, because there's work here. Now, I have 5 acres with a million dollar mountain view, butted up against BLM land that will always be wild, I have vehicles, for pleasure, for work, for off roading, for camping. Whereas years ago I had one old truck I barely kept running and was worried about being stranded because of it.
I am well- fed, have a reasonably prosperous construction company (Although things are slow presently). I have two dogs that I adore.
I have a tractor XD
But looking back, living in that ancient, run-down single wide mobile home- and not even in all of it, just the room and bathroom in the back, and the kitchen in the front, the rest of it had freezers and fridges used to keep the ministry food good until we could distribute it.
Looking back on those hard times, when my only TV was a small LCD TV I had to repair, I had 4 TV channels only one of which came in that well, no internet, just miles of mountains and desert expanses... Honestly guys I was never happier, I didn't have money I didn't have the stuff I have now, I had no land, no real home, nowhere to go and no way to get there, but now that I have those things, I realize how fleeting they are. They don't provide any true fulfillment.
The Bible says that one the day of a man's death, all of his plans end.
I am getting right with God. So much is being torn down and broken down in my life, my mind, my heart to be receptive to what is true, what is eternal.
I don't know why I am writing this, honestly, just woke up feeling depressed and kind of Meh. SO much heart break and weird sh*t going on in my life, just... Kinda want some good news to happen for me, but right now, I am not even sure what would truly be "Good news" because so much that seems good... Just isn't. And so much that seems bad, or empty, is actually the way to fulfillment and life.
IDK I'm just rambling, I'm sorry.
I hope y'all get some awesome news today.
Lord knows I could use some.
"This bike isn't that fast"
Posted 8 years agoOi I need to make a smaller journal now XD Sorry
So I decided to relate the story of how I got the BMW in my pictures.
It was a total scam, or so it seemed. I was so nervous I even asked some guys on motorcycle forums, what the heck is this?
It was too good to be true. And even more than that, the bike was owned by a guy who was out of the country. He signed the title so it could be sold. Half the people I talked to said RUN AWAY
And it was far enough away to where if I went there, I had to buy it, there was no just checking the waters.
SO I GET THERE and I want to test ride it. Of course, right? It's a residential neighborhood, and the guy who was selling it by proxy had some really nice stuff, classic cars and such, so that kinda put me at ease, cos if he was trying to scam me, he had a lot to lose.
Well I take this bike out from the alley behind his house, and I am cautious, because it's been a few years since my V Star was stolen. I am kind green again, you know?
Well I'll never forget it.
I take that bike down a residential street and run through the gears. I'll never forget, thinking to myself, "This bike isn't that fast!" (For a 1200cc engine)
And then... I glance down at the speedo...
I am doing almost 80 MPH down a 25MPH residential street XD
Oh, maybe it is kinda fast XD
Good thing it has excellent brakes XD
Only the Germans can make going so fast so.... Boring XD
My V Star at that speed would be vibrating and shaking and almost ready to explode haha because the previous owner severely damaged the engine, but it still ran, it was actually a wonderful bike lol. Yamaha did a fantastic job on it.
So I decided to relate the story of how I got the BMW in my pictures.
It was a total scam, or so it seemed. I was so nervous I even asked some guys on motorcycle forums, what the heck is this?
It was too good to be true. And even more than that, the bike was owned by a guy who was out of the country. He signed the title so it could be sold. Half the people I talked to said RUN AWAY
And it was far enough away to where if I went there, I had to buy it, there was no just checking the waters.
SO I GET THERE and I want to test ride it. Of course, right? It's a residential neighborhood, and the guy who was selling it by proxy had some really nice stuff, classic cars and such, so that kinda put me at ease, cos if he was trying to scam me, he had a lot to lose.
Well I take this bike out from the alley behind his house, and I am cautious, because it's been a few years since my V Star was stolen. I am kind green again, you know?
Well I'll never forget it.
I take that bike down a residential street and run through the gears. I'll never forget, thinking to myself, "This bike isn't that fast!" (For a 1200cc engine)
And then... I glance down at the speedo...
I am doing almost 80 MPH down a 25MPH residential street XD
Oh, maybe it is kinda fast XD
Good thing it has excellent brakes XD
Only the Germans can make going so fast so.... Boring XD
My V Star at that speed would be vibrating and shaking and almost ready to explode haha because the previous owner severely damaged the engine, but it still ran, it was actually a wonderful bike lol. Yamaha did a fantastic job on it.
Meme
Posted 8 years agoTaken from 
chrysisi
1: What did you do last year that you'd never done before?
Started to cook for myself, meals that are more intense that adding milk to cereal in a bowl? Adding hot water to instant noodles? I bought an "Instant Pot" pressure cooker and it lives up to it's reviews on Amazon. I absolutely love it. Meals taste wonderful with it.
2: Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for this year?
I don't make them, to be honest.
3: Did anyone close to you give birth?
Uh, yeah, my army buddy's daughter gave birth.
4: Did anyone close to you die?
No, thankfully.
5: What countries did you visit?
None and no desire to honestly XD I love the USA, I have everything here, including freedom.
6: What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?
The woman that God has for me, wherever she is. It's pointless, I feel, to keep hoping, I will meet her when I am ready.
7: What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
No dates. It was a hard, hard, hard year for me in many ways, but a year of painful growth.
8: What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Built a million dollar house for a client. Learned some valuable new skills! Did some things I have never done before, learned a lot. Improved my skillset.
9: What was your biggest failure?
Struggling so much when I just need to trust God. Struggling needlessly.
10: Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, thank God. I have never been happier or healthier. No wait what am I saying XD I sprained my hip and had to learn to walk again XD That was no fun and it still hurts but not so bad I am unable to walk.
11: What was the best thing you bought?
The Instant Pot =D
12: Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My close, close friends. There aren't many, but I am grateful they are in my life.
13: Whose behaviour made you appalled?
Some world leaders. You know who you are.
14: Where did most of your money go?
Food! I am finally starting to eat healthy. It's expensive!!! But worth it. Also alcohol, but I am doing better in controlling it. Hard times.
15: What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The idea of spending my life with a woman. I have had so many heart breaks and setbacks. And I have struggles I desperately wish I didn't have. But all of the pain has molded me into a stronger person. But do I want to hold someone in my arms, and watch a sunset? A sunrise? Go camping with her? Play music for her on my guitar... Write stories for her... Listen to her, and just hold her in my arms and love her with all my spirit? Well, yeah...
16: What song(s) will always remind you of 2017?
IDK TBH.
17: Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder?, b) thinner or fatter?, c) richer or poorer?
I am much, much happier. Like way. I have my ups and downs... I am glad I am off all prescription drugs! Haven't been on them in at least 15 years. (Aside from pain killers when I sprained my hip and couldn't walk for a few weeks.)
I am friggin crazy blessed! I have land, trailers, trucks, motorcycles, quads, tools. I even have a diesel tractor!!!! (Oh my goshhhh yessss) The satisfaction I get from owning a tractor is just... ohmygosh. The best.)
18: What do you wish you'd done more of?
Drawing. I am disappointed in myself. Drawing for me is... emotionally traumatic. Because I have the Mona Lisa in my mind and heart, and what comes out... Looks like something a preschooler drew. I know the only cure is to draw more... Maybe I am going through too much right now. Maybe the storms need to calm before I can take on more trauma
19: What do you wish you'd done less of?
Being so worried about stuff. Especially money. And worrying that God was mad/didn't love me. How I feel has no bearing on reality. More people need to be aware of that fact. Emotions do not equal truth, or reality. Some times, but not always.
20: How did you spend Christmas?
With a friend. I was working on a story that morning and really wanted to write XD It almost ruined my Christmas.
21: Did you fall in love in 2017?
Nope. I fell more in love with my dogs, actually, and I did ask God to help me understand them and love them more. I don't mean in a perverted sense, I have to clarify that, I can not and do not condone bestiality XD Sorry I had to say it. And if you struggle with it, God has healing for you.
I mean in an emotional/spiritual sense. My dogs are such pure hearted beings. All they have is pure, selfless love in their hearts. And it's beautiful to be close to that, to hold them in my arms and feel so close to such a pure being. It's just wonderful.
One day I hope to feel that for another human being.
22: What were your favourite TV shows?
MST3K!!!!!!!!!!! I haven't laughed so much in my life XD
23: Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
LOL no. Some leaders of countries still haven't learned that life NEVER ends well for dictators. But I know that some of the things a part of me wants, don't end well, either. SO we're all kind of damaged. But people who cause other people to suffer, I do not like that. People who hurt animals, too. It's so needless.
24: What was the best book you read?
I uh... For as much as I write, I just don't read. The last novel I read was years ago. I have tried to read again, even purchased books, but I usually never get passed a few pages. I just can't. I don't know why. It's a big block in my head. I would much rather write. I don't know what's wrong with me.
25: What was your greatest musical discovery?
Christian hip hop. I am not kidding lol. NF is pretty edgy, but I like his stuff. I like it when Christians are honest and open and don't hold back. In America we are supposed to put on a good Christian face and pretend everything is fine- when it's not. And God doesn't want us to hold it all in.
26: What did you want and get?
That tractor >.>
27: What did you want and not get?
My life mate. The woman God has been exhaustively preparing my heart, mind, and soul for. The woman I will share my life with.
28: What were your favourite films of this year?
There were a few, and I've forgotten them all =D The Hobbit? I like Rogue One, too. It was a hard movie but had a good message.
29: What one thing made your year?
The tractor -_- Oh my gosh I can't stop talking about. I'm sorry.
30: How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?
"Derelict" "Holey" "I feel sorry for you, Dave, so here's some clothes" I made good money but looked homeless doing it XD I really REALLY REALLY need to buy bulk white tshirts, and bulk jeans, and just have those two things in my closet.
31: What kept you sane?
My dogs. They are my sweet babies. Writing. Getting out all the stress and broken ness. It mends a broken heart slightly, it does. Camping, and reconnecting with nature. Alcohol, yes, I am honest. It helps to escape sometimes, but I recognize it can also lead to trouble. Riding my motorcycle, riding my quad. Riding my streetbike in the dirt =D Jumping it, just a little.
32: What political issues stirred you the most?
The people who think they have good ideas, but who's ideas have never worked in history. Ever. In fact millions of people die when their ideas are followed through to the end. Like, do you even know what happens when you go through with those things?
The people who are puffed up, and hurt/kill others. Who cause people suffering. Who imprison people just for their beliefs. There's enough suffering in this world without y'all making more of it. Things can be good. Things are progressing. The times we live in, have ACTUALLY never been better! And we can continue, as a world, to even BETTER things! But no. People have to go and screw it up. And it pisses me off =D
33: Who did you miss?
My best friend, Bruce.
34: Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017.
Stop worrying about stuff. Relax in God's Provision. I just spent more money in food than I ever have in my life, I am out of work, but I know it's going to be alright. I learned that even though I can be completely vexed and afraid, it doesn't change the grip on me that Jesus has. You, too, can have this provision in your life, all you have to do is ask Jesus for a relationship =D
35: Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"It won't last forever!" Impending Doom- another band I discovered and LOVE!
=D
chrysisi1: What did you do last year that you'd never done before?
Started to cook for myself, meals that are more intense that adding milk to cereal in a bowl? Adding hot water to instant noodles? I bought an "Instant Pot" pressure cooker and it lives up to it's reviews on Amazon. I absolutely love it. Meals taste wonderful with it.
2: Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for this year?
I don't make them, to be honest.
3: Did anyone close to you give birth?
Uh, yeah, my army buddy's daughter gave birth.
4: Did anyone close to you die?
No, thankfully.
5: What countries did you visit?
None and no desire to honestly XD I love the USA, I have everything here, including freedom.
6: What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?
The woman that God has for me, wherever she is. It's pointless, I feel, to keep hoping, I will meet her when I am ready.
7: What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
No dates. It was a hard, hard, hard year for me in many ways, but a year of painful growth.
8: What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Built a million dollar house for a client. Learned some valuable new skills! Did some things I have never done before, learned a lot. Improved my skillset.
9: What was your biggest failure?
Struggling so much when I just need to trust God. Struggling needlessly.
10: Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, thank God. I have never been happier or healthier. No wait what am I saying XD I sprained my hip and had to learn to walk again XD That was no fun and it still hurts but not so bad I am unable to walk.
11: What was the best thing you bought?
The Instant Pot =D
12: Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My close, close friends. There aren't many, but I am grateful they are in my life.
13: Whose behaviour made you appalled?
Some world leaders. You know who you are.
14: Where did most of your money go?
Food! I am finally starting to eat healthy. It's expensive!!! But worth it. Also alcohol, but I am doing better in controlling it. Hard times.
15: What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The idea of spending my life with a woman. I have had so many heart breaks and setbacks. And I have struggles I desperately wish I didn't have. But all of the pain has molded me into a stronger person. But do I want to hold someone in my arms, and watch a sunset? A sunrise? Go camping with her? Play music for her on my guitar... Write stories for her... Listen to her, and just hold her in my arms and love her with all my spirit? Well, yeah...
16: What song(s) will always remind you of 2017?
IDK TBH.
17: Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder?, b) thinner or fatter?, c) richer or poorer?
I am much, much happier. Like way. I have my ups and downs... I am glad I am off all prescription drugs! Haven't been on them in at least 15 years. (Aside from pain killers when I sprained my hip and couldn't walk for a few weeks.)
I am friggin crazy blessed! I have land, trailers, trucks, motorcycles, quads, tools. I even have a diesel tractor!!!! (Oh my goshhhh yessss) The satisfaction I get from owning a tractor is just... ohmygosh. The best.)
18: What do you wish you'd done more of?
Drawing. I am disappointed in myself. Drawing for me is... emotionally traumatic. Because I have the Mona Lisa in my mind and heart, and what comes out... Looks like something a preschooler drew. I know the only cure is to draw more... Maybe I am going through too much right now. Maybe the storms need to calm before I can take on more trauma
19: What do you wish you'd done less of?
Being so worried about stuff. Especially money. And worrying that God was mad/didn't love me. How I feel has no bearing on reality. More people need to be aware of that fact. Emotions do not equal truth, or reality. Some times, but not always.
20: How did you spend Christmas?
With a friend. I was working on a story that morning and really wanted to write XD It almost ruined my Christmas.
21: Did you fall in love in 2017?
Nope. I fell more in love with my dogs, actually, and I did ask God to help me understand them and love them more. I don't mean in a perverted sense, I have to clarify that, I can not and do not condone bestiality XD Sorry I had to say it. And if you struggle with it, God has healing for you.
I mean in an emotional/spiritual sense. My dogs are such pure hearted beings. All they have is pure, selfless love in their hearts. And it's beautiful to be close to that, to hold them in my arms and feel so close to such a pure being. It's just wonderful.
One day I hope to feel that for another human being.
22: What were your favourite TV shows?
MST3K!!!!!!!!!!! I haven't laughed so much in my life XD
23: Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
LOL no. Some leaders of countries still haven't learned that life NEVER ends well for dictators. But I know that some of the things a part of me wants, don't end well, either. SO we're all kind of damaged. But people who cause other people to suffer, I do not like that. People who hurt animals, too. It's so needless.
24: What was the best book you read?
I uh... For as much as I write, I just don't read. The last novel I read was years ago. I have tried to read again, even purchased books, but I usually never get passed a few pages. I just can't. I don't know why. It's a big block in my head. I would much rather write. I don't know what's wrong with me.
25: What was your greatest musical discovery?
Christian hip hop. I am not kidding lol. NF is pretty edgy, but I like his stuff. I like it when Christians are honest and open and don't hold back. In America we are supposed to put on a good Christian face and pretend everything is fine- when it's not. And God doesn't want us to hold it all in.
26: What did you want and get?
That tractor >.>
27: What did you want and not get?
My life mate. The woman God has been exhaustively preparing my heart, mind, and soul for. The woman I will share my life with.
28: What were your favourite films of this year?
There were a few, and I've forgotten them all =D The Hobbit? I like Rogue One, too. It was a hard movie but had a good message.
29: What one thing made your year?
The tractor -_- Oh my gosh I can't stop talking about. I'm sorry.
30: How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?
"Derelict" "Holey" "I feel sorry for you, Dave, so here's some clothes" I made good money but looked homeless doing it XD I really REALLY REALLY need to buy bulk white tshirts, and bulk jeans, and just have those two things in my closet.
31: What kept you sane?
My dogs. They are my sweet babies. Writing. Getting out all the stress and broken ness. It mends a broken heart slightly, it does. Camping, and reconnecting with nature. Alcohol, yes, I am honest. It helps to escape sometimes, but I recognize it can also lead to trouble. Riding my motorcycle, riding my quad. Riding my streetbike in the dirt =D Jumping it, just a little.
32: What political issues stirred you the most?
The people who think they have good ideas, but who's ideas have never worked in history. Ever. In fact millions of people die when their ideas are followed through to the end. Like, do you even know what happens when you go through with those things?
The people who are puffed up, and hurt/kill others. Who cause people suffering. Who imprison people just for their beliefs. There's enough suffering in this world without y'all making more of it. Things can be good. Things are progressing. The times we live in, have ACTUALLY never been better! And we can continue, as a world, to even BETTER things! But no. People have to go and screw it up. And it pisses me off =D
33: Who did you miss?
My best friend, Bruce.
34: Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017.
Stop worrying about stuff. Relax in God's Provision. I just spent more money in food than I ever have in my life, I am out of work, but I know it's going to be alright. I learned that even though I can be completely vexed and afraid, it doesn't change the grip on me that Jesus has. You, too, can have this provision in your life, all you have to do is ask Jesus for a relationship =D
35: Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"It won't last forever!" Impending Doom- another band I discovered and LOVE!
=D
Signal boost for an awesome artist!
Posted 8 years agohttps://www.furaffinity.net/gallery/lynxyjones/
Check this girl out! WOW! Less than 2K page views, and such awesome art!
Do me a favor and check her out! :3
Check this girl out! WOW! Less than 2K page views, and such awesome art!
Do me a favor and check her out! :3
Signal boost for a dear watcher of mine
Posted 8 years agoDO YOU HAVE PROBLEMS WITH YOUR TEETH
Posted 8 years agoSorry for the all caps. But this is important. A company has been making nanohydroxyapetite toothpaste since the eighties. They are in Japan. This tooth paste re mineralizes your teeth.... Which means it literally puts them back together with the substance there made out of.
I drank a cold drink before brushing with it, and I felt it in my teeth. Cold. Pain. I brushed my teeth with the toothpaste... And immediately after drank the same drink... Just one drink... And the pain was gone.
The Ada doesn't endorse it for the same reason natural cancer cures get swept under the rug because healthy people don't pay big pharma's bills. The Ada is no different. Remember they pushed for toxic fluoride to be put in the water (banned in the UK).
If you're interested, and yes, I'll be using this tooth paste the rest of my life, here is where you get it:
https://www.amazon.com/Apagard-M-Pl...../dp/B0016GCZQO
If you have bad teeth or tooth problems please give it a try. Your teeth are priceless. I've had molars pulled and it's not fun. Try it. It's less than $20
Oh. And read the reviews <3
I drank a cold drink before brushing with it, and I felt it in my teeth. Cold. Pain. I brushed my teeth with the toothpaste... And immediately after drank the same drink... Just one drink... And the pain was gone.
The Ada doesn't endorse it for the same reason natural cancer cures get swept under the rug because healthy people don't pay big pharma's bills. The Ada is no different. Remember they pushed for toxic fluoride to be put in the water (banned in the UK).
If you're interested, and yes, I'll be using this tooth paste the rest of my life, here is where you get it:
https://www.amazon.com/Apagard-M-Pl...../dp/B0016GCZQO
If you have bad teeth or tooth problems please give it a try. Your teeth are priceless. I've had molars pulled and it's not fun. Try it. It's less than $20
Oh. And read the reviews <3
Have a happy Thanksgiving!!
Posted 8 years agoHey guys I just wanted to wish you all a happy Thanksgiving! I hope the food is good, the shows are entertaining, and the atmosphere is warm <3
Taking a 3 day fast
Posted 8 years agoWill be gone for 3 days fyi
The gift of Unconditional love
Posted 8 years agoI thought this was beautiful and I wanted to share it with you all.
(Okay, edit. I identify as a virile, sexy dude who is full of love. If a woman hurt like this, I would love nothing more than to hold her in my arms, safe, giving her nurturing, reassurance, and selfless empathy, holding her heart safely in my hands. Asking nothing in return, but to share the moment, our hearts healing one another, if only for a moment. This just strikes my heart, and engages the nurturing instinct in me. Sorry if that's sappy.)
From:
https://www.elephantjournal.com/201.....ditional-love/
You came into my world. You came into my soul.
It seemed like forever that I had been waiting for unconditional love.
And there you were offering it to me—freely.
I took it for a moment and held you and your love in my arms. It felt incredible.
But there was a little girl inside of me afraid of love. Convinced that attention was attached to punishment and trying to save herself from pain, she was afraid of the wholehearted presence of another being.
She was convinced that love hurts and wasn’t ready to let you in.
You felt like an intruder to her, a threat to her safety.
So she pushed you away.
I heard her words come out of my mouth. My body spoke the language of her fears.
Every time she pushed you away, you stood in the doorway to my heart patiently waiting until I was ready to let you in again.
But this little girl was stubborn. She controlled my mind and created judgmental thoughts. She made me think you had poor boundaries and did not respect yourself enough, when all you ever wanted was to fully love me with all of my unhealed, inner-childness, all of my open wounds, all of my imperfections.
“That’s not possible,” I heard her say, mistaking her voice of fear with the voice of my intuition. I pushed you away one last time. I slammed the door to my heart in front of your face to make sure you will never return and threaten me with the purity of your love.
Because in the presence of your utter affection, the painful memories would return. Memories of countless past moments of emptiness. Moments of absence of love.
The little girl inside of me was not ready to go there again. She was not ready because she did not know that the world had moved forward, and she was actually living in an adult body. in a different time and space.
After years of letting her push everybody away who came to close, I finally understood that all this little girl needed was for me to connect to her again. She needed to express her fears, scream, and cry the tears of loneliness. She needed to see that feeling cared for was not painful or dangerous, and join me in the safety and softness of the present moment.
I showered her in absolute presence until she was able to open herself, her spirit and mind, to the possibilities of pure attention and sheer warmth again.
And when I took this wounded inner child back into my being, I thought of you.
For the first time in my life I understood the intensity and beauty of your never-ending kindness.
For the first time in my life I saw that unconditional love had presented itself to me in the form of your face, your smell, your touch. Instead of welcoming it, I had pushed it far away.
I can finally feel the pain that my actions have caused you. I can see how your soul split into a thousand pieces when I closed the door to my heart forever.
Today, I go back into this moment and turn the knob to a door that seemed to be closed forever into an open house of eternal acceptance.
I go back in time and breathe in all the kindness you offered me in the past.
And I invite you back into a universal space of pure tenderness, so that you can continue to give the world what you so freely gave to me: the gift of unconditional love.
~
~
~
Author: Alice Dea
(Okay, edit. I identify as a virile, sexy dude who is full of love. If a woman hurt like this, I would love nothing more than to hold her in my arms, safe, giving her nurturing, reassurance, and selfless empathy, holding her heart safely in my hands. Asking nothing in return, but to share the moment, our hearts healing one another, if only for a moment. This just strikes my heart, and engages the nurturing instinct in me. Sorry if that's sappy.)
From:
https://www.elephantjournal.com/201.....ditional-love/
You came into my world. You came into my soul.
It seemed like forever that I had been waiting for unconditional love.
And there you were offering it to me—freely.
I took it for a moment and held you and your love in my arms. It felt incredible.
But there was a little girl inside of me afraid of love. Convinced that attention was attached to punishment and trying to save herself from pain, she was afraid of the wholehearted presence of another being.
She was convinced that love hurts and wasn’t ready to let you in.
You felt like an intruder to her, a threat to her safety.
So she pushed you away.
I heard her words come out of my mouth. My body spoke the language of her fears.
Every time she pushed you away, you stood in the doorway to my heart patiently waiting until I was ready to let you in again.
But this little girl was stubborn. She controlled my mind and created judgmental thoughts. She made me think you had poor boundaries and did not respect yourself enough, when all you ever wanted was to fully love me with all of my unhealed, inner-childness, all of my open wounds, all of my imperfections.
“That’s not possible,” I heard her say, mistaking her voice of fear with the voice of my intuition. I pushed you away one last time. I slammed the door to my heart in front of your face to make sure you will never return and threaten me with the purity of your love.
Because in the presence of your utter affection, the painful memories would return. Memories of countless past moments of emptiness. Moments of absence of love.
The little girl inside of me was not ready to go there again. She was not ready because she did not know that the world had moved forward, and she was actually living in an adult body. in a different time and space.
After years of letting her push everybody away who came to close, I finally understood that all this little girl needed was for me to connect to her again. She needed to express her fears, scream, and cry the tears of loneliness. She needed to see that feeling cared for was not painful or dangerous, and join me in the safety and softness of the present moment.
I showered her in absolute presence until she was able to open herself, her spirit and mind, to the possibilities of pure attention and sheer warmth again.
And when I took this wounded inner child back into my being, I thought of you.
For the first time in my life I understood the intensity and beauty of your never-ending kindness.
For the first time in my life I saw that unconditional love had presented itself to me in the form of your face, your smell, your touch. Instead of welcoming it, I had pushed it far away.
I can finally feel the pain that my actions have caused you. I can see how your soul split into a thousand pieces when I closed the door to my heart forever.
Today, I go back into this moment and turn the knob to a door that seemed to be closed forever into an open house of eternal acceptance.
I go back in time and breathe in all the kindness you offered me in the past.
And I invite you back into a universal space of pure tenderness, so that you can continue to give the world what you so freely gave to me: the gift of unconditional love.
~
~
~
Author: Alice Dea
Op went well.
Posted 8 years agoSo it went good. Very good. There was a counter protest and some posturing, but the show of force in support was incredible. One woman said she never felt safer. I thought we were going in full force but ended up being undercover. Regardless it was fun and well worth it. Someone told me I better be getting paid a ton to do this but I told him I wasn't getting paid a dime. He asked me why I did it, I told him I believed in what was being said there.
Ah, but now, the adrenaline dump X_X
Ah, but now, the adrenaline dump X_X
If something happens...
Posted 8 years agoHey guys so I'm part of an armed security detail that will be protecting human rights speakers. There have been threats on some of the speakers by anti human rights people (Yeah you read that right) but I'm there to give the speakers one less reason to be afraid. All that's needed for evil to triumph is for good people TO DO NOTHING!
There is a possibility of violence.
No matter what happens I want you to know that I love every one of you. Thank you for sticking with me it means the world to me.
For the people who have noted me I am sorry I have been so busy lately give me time and grace to respond when I am able <3
Love you guys. Thanks for being my friends.
There is a possibility of violence.
No matter what happens I want you to know that I love every one of you. Thank you for sticking with me it means the world to me.
For the people who have noted me I am sorry I have been so busy lately give me time and grace to respond when I am able <3
Love you guys. Thanks for being my friends.
Meme
Posted 8 years agoStolen from icon:silverdeni
- Name: Dave
- Single or taken: Single
- Sex: Only with the woman I love more than life itself
- Birthday: 12th of August, hot humid day
- Sign: "This sign has sharp edges"
- Hair color: Dark brown
- Eye color: Blue
- Height: 6'1"
- Are you straight/bisexual/gay?: Straight with struggles.
____________________________________________________________________________
S P E C I F I C S
____________________________________________________________________________
- What kind of shampoo do you use?: The cheapest one that smells alright or has pretty pictures
- What are you listening to right now?: Roots bloody roots by Sepultura it's my theme song
- Who is the last person that called you?: My stepdad asking me for something I am using
- How many buddies are online right now?: A few
____________________________________________________________________________
F A V O U R I T E S
____________________________________________________________________________
- Animal: Wolves
- Colour: Bluegreen
- Drink: Coffee, diluted unfiltered apple cider vinegar, orange juice (yes), beer and or/ hard liquor
- Element: Lightning
- Food: Pizza, dude
- Game: I don't play games, sorry
- Movie: Heat. Shows you the end of a violent lifestyle. Not worth it
- Song: Trance/metal
- Subjects in school: Art/writing
- T.V.: I do not watch it, no time
____________________________________________________________________________
H A V E | Y O U | E V E R
____________________________________________________________________________
- Given anyone a bath?: Nope
- Smoked?: Used to smoke 3 packs a day. Now I smoke cigars, rarely
- Bungee jumped?: I'd like to
- Made yourself throw up?: Accidentally brushing my teeth
- Skinny dipped?: Yes
- Ever been in love?: Yes
- Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: When I was a kid?
- Pictured your crush naked?: I don't have a crush
- Actually seen your crush naked? ...
- Cried when someone died?: Yes
- Lied: Everybody lies
- Fallen for your best friend?: Yes
- Used someone?: Yes
- Done something you regret?: Yes
____________________________________________________________________________
C U R R E N T
____________________________________________________________________________
- Clothes: Boxers and shoes
- Desktop picture: Some rocks that came with windows
- CD in player: No optical drive
- DVD in player: Guardians of the Galaxy
____________________________________________________________________________
L A S T | P E R S O N
____________________________________________________________________________
- You touched: Doggies
- Hugged: Doggies
- You kissed: My ex (Staci- good woman)
- You IMed: My friend
- Talk to online: Same
- You sexed it up with: My other ex (Danielle- needs her head sorted out)
___________________________________________________________________________
A R E | Y O U
___________________________________________________________________________
- Understanding?: Yes
- Open-minded?: Yes. But I know what ends in ruin
- Arrogant?: Yes and I hate it
- Insecure?: Some times
- Random?: Some times
- Hungry?: Always
- Smart?: Yes
- Moody?: Yes
- Organized?: Nope but I know where my stuff is
- Shy?: Some times, I'd really just rather not.
- Difficult?: Or impossible
- Bored easily?: Yeah
- Entertained easily?: Yes
- Obsessed?: Yes
- Lazy?: Yes
- Angry?: Leave me alone
- Happy?: I enjoy things in life
- Hyper?: Only when I'm working
- Trusting?: Yes, and it's trouble some times I need to be more wise
___________________________________________________________________________
R A N D O M
___________________________________________________________________________
- In the morning: I have so much to do if I acknowledge you it's a miracle
- Love is: Hard, painful
- I dream about: Terrible things
- What do you notice first in the sex you're into: Her spirit
___________________________________________________________________________
W H O
___________________________________________________________________________
- Makes you laugh the most: Comedians
- Makes you smile: My dogs
- Gives you a funny feeling when you see him/her: IDK
_____________________________
D O | Y O U | E V E R
___________________________________________________________________________
- Sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to IM you?: No
- Wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: No
- Wish you were younger?: God no
- Cry because someone said something to you?: No
___________________________________________________________________________
N U M B E R
___________________________________________________________________________
- Of times I have had my heart broken?: Some times I believe I have a heart purely so it can be broken
- Of Cd's: None any more
- Of scars on my body: Many
- Of bones I've broken: About thirty all told
- Name: Dave
- Single or taken: Single
- Sex: Only with the woman I love more than life itself
- Birthday: 12th of August, hot humid day
- Sign: "This sign has sharp edges"
- Hair color: Dark brown
- Eye color: Blue
- Height: 6'1"
- Are you straight/bisexual/gay?: Straight with struggles.
____________________________________________________________________________
S P E C I F I C S
____________________________________________________________________________
- What kind of shampoo do you use?: The cheapest one that smells alright or has pretty pictures
- What are you listening to right now?: Roots bloody roots by Sepultura it's my theme song
- Who is the last person that called you?: My stepdad asking me for something I am using
- How many buddies are online right now?: A few
____________________________________________________________________________
F A V O U R I T E S
____________________________________________________________________________
- Animal: Wolves
- Colour: Bluegreen
- Drink: Coffee, diluted unfiltered apple cider vinegar, orange juice (yes), beer and or/ hard liquor
- Element: Lightning
- Food: Pizza, dude
- Game: I don't play games, sorry
- Movie: Heat. Shows you the end of a violent lifestyle. Not worth it
- Song: Trance/metal
- Subjects in school: Art/writing
- T.V.: I do not watch it, no time
____________________________________________________________________________
H A V E | Y O U | E V E R
____________________________________________________________________________
- Given anyone a bath?: Nope
- Smoked?: Used to smoke 3 packs a day. Now I smoke cigars, rarely
- Bungee jumped?: I'd like to
- Made yourself throw up?: Accidentally brushing my teeth
- Skinny dipped?: Yes
- Ever been in love?: Yes
- Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: When I was a kid?
- Pictured your crush naked?: I don't have a crush
- Actually seen your crush naked? ...
- Cried when someone died?: Yes
- Lied: Everybody lies
- Fallen for your best friend?: Yes
- Used someone?: Yes
- Done something you regret?: Yes
____________________________________________________________________________
C U R R E N T
____________________________________________________________________________
- Clothes: Boxers and shoes
- Desktop picture: Some rocks that came with windows
- CD in player: No optical drive
- DVD in player: Guardians of the Galaxy
____________________________________________________________________________
L A S T | P E R S O N
____________________________________________________________________________
- You touched: Doggies
- Hugged: Doggies
- You kissed: My ex (Staci- good woman)
- You IMed: My friend
- Talk to online: Same
- You sexed it up with: My other ex (Danielle- needs her head sorted out)
___________________________________________________________________________
A R E | Y O U
___________________________________________________________________________
- Understanding?: Yes
- Open-minded?: Yes. But I know what ends in ruin
- Arrogant?: Yes and I hate it
- Insecure?: Some times
- Random?: Some times
- Hungry?: Always
- Smart?: Yes
- Moody?: Yes
- Organized?: Nope but I know where my stuff is
- Shy?: Some times, I'd really just rather not.
- Difficult?: Or impossible
- Bored easily?: Yeah
- Entertained easily?: Yes
- Obsessed?: Yes
- Lazy?: Yes
- Angry?: Leave me alone
- Happy?: I enjoy things in life
- Hyper?: Only when I'm working
- Trusting?: Yes, and it's trouble some times I need to be more wise
___________________________________________________________________________
R A N D O M
___________________________________________________________________________
- In the morning: I have so much to do if I acknowledge you it's a miracle
- Love is: Hard, painful
- I dream about: Terrible things
- What do you notice first in the sex you're into: Her spirit
___________________________________________________________________________
W H O
___________________________________________________________________________
- Makes you laugh the most: Comedians
- Makes you smile: My dogs
- Gives you a funny feeling when you see him/her: IDK
_____________________________
D O | Y O U | E V E R
___________________________________________________________________________
- Sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to IM you?: No
- Wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: No
- Wish you were younger?: God no
- Cry because someone said something to you?: No
___________________________________________________________________________
N U M B E R
___________________________________________________________________________
- Of times I have had my heart broken?: Some times I believe I have a heart purely so it can be broken
- Of Cd's: None any more
- Of scars on my body: Many
- Of bones I've broken: About thirty all told
Stories dump
Posted 8 years agoHi guys,
Some of you are aware that I love to write. I have so many stories that nobody has ever read. Honestly I'm not interested in selling them, the thought of selling my Characters or even my race of wolf people feels like it would be selling part of my soul.
So I'd rather just offer my stories to you all for free. And you are free to tell me what you think, I need critiques to become a better writer.
I am planning on posting all the stories I have written that I can find, what do you think about that?
Some of you are aware that I love to write. I have so many stories that nobody has ever read. Honestly I'm not interested in selling them, the thought of selling my Characters or even my race of wolf people feels like it would be selling part of my soul.
So I'd rather just offer my stories to you all for free. And you are free to tell me what you think, I need critiques to become a better writer.
I am planning on posting all the stories I have written that I can find, what do you think about that?
All those days ago
Posted 8 years agoI was riding my V Star 1100, taking it offroad.
I rememeber being on a grip from AZ to CA and I was so tired. I threw my jacket over my helmet under a power distribution transformer. I laid my head on the jacket, as comfortable a pillow as I could manage.
I fell asleep there.
Awakened by the horns of rude people who wanted to know why I was sleeping in the desert, having ridden nearly 400 miles.
It was hard. It was brutal. But it was my life.
I put 30,000 miles on that bike, some of them in the hard desert sand, dirt, clay, and mud of the San Bernardino mountains.
I jumped that 600 lb yamahog.
On a trail, once, trying to connect to a road, and when I went to my neighbor's house. almost every time. All dirt roads...
Sleeping on abandoned trails, in boxcars, in abandoned structures in the desert. just me and my Phoenix raven. 25.
I remember trying to turn it into a boot gun.
Afraid of any passing vehicle that may stop... My big cruiser hidden, and I, just trying to get some rest from the weary trail.
I rememeber being on a grip from AZ to CA and I was so tired. I threw my jacket over my helmet under a power distribution transformer. I laid my head on the jacket, as comfortable a pillow as I could manage.
I fell asleep there.
Awakened by the horns of rude people who wanted to know why I was sleeping in the desert, having ridden nearly 400 miles.
It was hard. It was brutal. But it was my life.
I put 30,000 miles on that bike, some of them in the hard desert sand, dirt, clay, and mud of the San Bernardino mountains.
I jumped that 600 lb yamahog.
On a trail, once, trying to connect to a road, and when I went to my neighbor's house. almost every time. All dirt roads...
Sleeping on abandoned trails, in boxcars, in abandoned structures in the desert. just me and my Phoenix raven. 25.
I remember trying to turn it into a boot gun.
Afraid of any passing vehicle that may stop... My big cruiser hidden, and I, just trying to get some rest from the weary trail.
Updates
Posted 8 years agoHi! I hope everyone is doing well.
I had to go camping last weekend because I need to reconnect with nature or I begin to lose myself.
What I like to do is go out as far as I can go and just be alone, without any distractions or interruptions. When I go to the "Prescribed" camp sites that are groomed by the FS they are so close to the road, every time some guy with a loud side by side quad or dirtbike zooms by, it shatters the peace, and it happens quite a lot, day and night.
So I go and be by myself. I love it.
This time I bring my van instead of any of my 4x4 trucks, and my van is 2wd, so I can only go so far but I manage to find a bitchin spot. The traffic is surprisingly minimal, no real offroad vehicles, a car every few hours, and nothing at night. A fire is prohibitive as the smoke would be noticed, but I can dig a dakota hole and eliminate that.
So the next day is off to a bad start, I let myself lose control for a little bit with the alcohol, and I end up running through the desert, tripping, and if I remember right, dislocating or spraining my hip, it sounded like when you twist celery. Crunch crunch crunch.
I am in agony. I can no longer walk. I crawl back to my van, and fashion crutches out of a 20LB digging bar and a large branch. I hobble around, moaning, gathering my little generator (I had to drag it by a twine, all the way back to the van) and stuff I swore I'd leave behind because it hurt too much to walk.
Driving home, it was decided I need to go to the emergency room. I am in agony. Thankfully my hip wasn't broken. But they say a sprang can be worse than a break. Well. It has been excrutiating. I have weaned myself off of the narcotic pain pills and have done the same with the Ibuprofins. It's been six days since the injury. I went to the grocery store yesterday and hobbled around gathering items. I over extended myself but I am alright.
It's funny, the third day I was walking around, moaning, in severe pain, and I grabbed a grate for cooking meat over a fire when I am camping, I am not even healed yet and already I am planning my next camping trip. It's what I love, I will not live without it.
Tl;DR
I really messed my hip up camping but I am doing better.
Okay so I have something to admit. My gratitude for those of you reading this far is overflowing.
I have been pretty honest in some of my past journals about my past, my sexuality, and my struggles. The last few years have been intense and eye opening in my desire to find the woman, the "one". There have been a few ladies, ranging from desperate to outright psychotic, but each one I have given a chance and each time I learn something. I have made mistakes. I was never intimate with any of them, but it was always an option. (And I am glad I restrained myself.)
I have a deep and abiding love for the beauty that is furry. Not even the art, but the innocence, purity, and heart, the spirit behind the art. It is love on a level that we humans crave, and are desperate for- I am convinced of it. Of course not everyone sees it that way.
But... I have written thousands of pages of love stories. With anthros in every single one. I love writing.
It has come to my attention that furry, in all of its beauty, even it's flaws, has become a sort of surrogate for my own emotional, and in a way, even sexual development. Yeah, it's hard to admit, but I do it anyway.
When I wrote my first sex scene, it was 20 pages long. 35 if you format it novel- size. Every page dripped with passion and lust, but it stemmed from true love and empathy. I found myself immersed in thought after, and some things begin to stir in my soul. In my heart. Of course as a Christian I am conflicted about it. I have never shared it publicly and I don't know if I could.
But God opened doors to my heart.
When I was a young child I was abused, and the abuse continued for many year. Sexual, physical. Homosexual abuse, and honestly my childhood is just a blur of trauma. I don't remember much good. Hardly any. It's like warm emotions in a cold fog.
On top of that the females in my life would rip me to shreds, because I am a sensitive male, and I take everything to heart. I struggle with that to this day.
But I am much better, healthier, stronger, able to deal with it better now, at the age of 37.
Anyway...
I have been laid up in bed, on addictive opioid narcotic drugs to mask the pain, unable to walk.
I don't look up much porn, I try very hard not to, it is rarely a thing I will just do, usually there is quite a bit of struggling involved before I collapse on myself and let the temptations win. Some times I do win and I don't do it.
So... I haven't drawn in a while and I know I need to keep drawing. The passion in my heart to draw is insane while I am at work, but is a mere glowing ember when I get home, exhausted, and it is frustrating.
Well, I am going through some... nude pictures (Anthro pictures) I shamefully (Regret) sent a friend (He didn't care but I should have had more honor.) while camping, and I get the idea to draw one of them.
Now these are not tasteful nudes. These are... Well. Pictures a wife would send to her husband to drive him up a wall and entice him to return home to her as soon as humanly possible, pictures that would... cause him to obsessively think of her the remainder of the day and possibly hinder his work performance. There is "Nothing" going on in some of them, but that doesn't mean they do not inspire as much, or more desire than couples pornography itself.
So... I pick one, anthro woman, seductive pose, and I draw her. I change a lot. I change her expression, her hair, her tail, her eyes, eyebrows, add things, etc. In the end the only thing recognizable was the pose.
And for refs, I had to look at a lot of pictures of, well.
In the end it was incredibly exciting. And, i felt more of my more primal self, the part of me that is in the majority of men, yet these men take it for granted... Awaken. "You know, a part of me wants this. It is natural. More natural than the things I have been through/endured/were forced on me when I was young."
It was good. But it was also bad.
I felt some of the innocence, some of the beauty, some of the mystique of my love of what anthro is, become dulled. If my love of the beauty of anthro is 10 points, I lost, at least in a way, albeit I am hoping temporarily, one point of that mysqtique, that beauty that makes anthro so attractive and wonderful to me.
I took great pains to make her... As realistic as possible. I even gave her a name. "Jenny". And naturally I craved a story and began drawing a background for her. I decided to give her a husband. I decided that that picture was her honeymoon picture, as her husband finds her, naked, vulnerable, seductive. Senses dulled because she trusts him. Because she loves him.
Of course I wanted to draw them together, every... glistening detail of the physical oneness of a man and a woman who love one another. My lust seemed unbridled for a moment, my loneliness satiated... at least for a moment.
I struggled with it. Coming to terms. Seeking God. Being honest with myself. Being hard on myself, but allowing myself to comprehend the why. Why do I do what I do and why do I want what I want???
I guess that's it. That's my confession. You can see I had a deep reckoning with it.
Tl;Dr:
I drew a sexy, naked anthro girl. I struggled with meaning of it. Sometimes what I want isn't what I want, even though I want it more than anything else.
Hope you guys are doing good. <3
I am in so much pain. I don't mean to whine. Today I took my first steps like a normal person. I'm glad nobody is around to hear me groan I sound like an injured animal. It feels good to walk again it outweighs the pain. Every step hurts but it's worth it. Ibuprofen is a miracle. So is msm lotion, arnica 30c, and glucosamine. Icing helps tons and tons and tons. I'm a very muscular person and I asked the nurse how ice is going to go through all those muscle she just said "it helps" she's right it does. Thank you all for everything.
I had to go camping last weekend because I need to reconnect with nature or I begin to lose myself.
What I like to do is go out as far as I can go and just be alone, without any distractions or interruptions. When I go to the "Prescribed" camp sites that are groomed by the FS they are so close to the road, every time some guy with a loud side by side quad or dirtbike zooms by, it shatters the peace, and it happens quite a lot, day and night.
So I go and be by myself. I love it.
This time I bring my van instead of any of my 4x4 trucks, and my van is 2wd, so I can only go so far but I manage to find a bitchin spot. The traffic is surprisingly minimal, no real offroad vehicles, a car every few hours, and nothing at night. A fire is prohibitive as the smoke would be noticed, but I can dig a dakota hole and eliminate that.
So the next day is off to a bad start, I let myself lose control for a little bit with the alcohol, and I end up running through the desert, tripping, and if I remember right, dislocating or spraining my hip, it sounded like when you twist celery. Crunch crunch crunch.
I am in agony. I can no longer walk. I crawl back to my van, and fashion crutches out of a 20LB digging bar and a large branch. I hobble around, moaning, gathering my little generator (I had to drag it by a twine, all the way back to the van) and stuff I swore I'd leave behind because it hurt too much to walk.
Driving home, it was decided I need to go to the emergency room. I am in agony. Thankfully my hip wasn't broken. But they say a sprang can be worse than a break. Well. It has been excrutiating. I have weaned myself off of the narcotic pain pills and have done the same with the Ibuprofins. It's been six days since the injury. I went to the grocery store yesterday and hobbled around gathering items. I over extended myself but I am alright.
It's funny, the third day I was walking around, moaning, in severe pain, and I grabbed a grate for cooking meat over a fire when I am camping, I am not even healed yet and already I am planning my next camping trip. It's what I love, I will not live without it.
Tl;DR
I really messed my hip up camping but I am doing better.
Okay so I have something to admit. My gratitude for those of you reading this far is overflowing.
I have been pretty honest in some of my past journals about my past, my sexuality, and my struggles. The last few years have been intense and eye opening in my desire to find the woman, the "one". There have been a few ladies, ranging from desperate to outright psychotic, but each one I have given a chance and each time I learn something. I have made mistakes. I was never intimate with any of them, but it was always an option. (And I am glad I restrained myself.)
I have a deep and abiding love for the beauty that is furry. Not even the art, but the innocence, purity, and heart, the spirit behind the art. It is love on a level that we humans crave, and are desperate for- I am convinced of it. Of course not everyone sees it that way.
But... I have written thousands of pages of love stories. With anthros in every single one. I love writing.
It has come to my attention that furry, in all of its beauty, even it's flaws, has become a sort of surrogate for my own emotional, and in a way, even sexual development. Yeah, it's hard to admit, but I do it anyway.
When I wrote my first sex scene, it was 20 pages long. 35 if you format it novel- size. Every page dripped with passion and lust, but it stemmed from true love and empathy. I found myself immersed in thought after, and some things begin to stir in my soul. In my heart. Of course as a Christian I am conflicted about it. I have never shared it publicly and I don't know if I could.
But God opened doors to my heart.
When I was a young child I was abused, and the abuse continued for many year. Sexual, physical. Homosexual abuse, and honestly my childhood is just a blur of trauma. I don't remember much good. Hardly any. It's like warm emotions in a cold fog.
On top of that the females in my life would rip me to shreds, because I am a sensitive male, and I take everything to heart. I struggle with that to this day.
But I am much better, healthier, stronger, able to deal with it better now, at the age of 37.
Anyway...
I have been laid up in bed, on addictive opioid narcotic drugs to mask the pain, unable to walk.
I don't look up much porn, I try very hard not to, it is rarely a thing I will just do, usually there is quite a bit of struggling involved before I collapse on myself and let the temptations win. Some times I do win and I don't do it.
So... I haven't drawn in a while and I know I need to keep drawing. The passion in my heart to draw is insane while I am at work, but is a mere glowing ember when I get home, exhausted, and it is frustrating.
Well, I am going through some... nude pictures (Anthro pictures) I shamefully (Regret) sent a friend (He didn't care but I should have had more honor.) while camping, and I get the idea to draw one of them.
Now these are not tasteful nudes. These are... Well. Pictures a wife would send to her husband to drive him up a wall and entice him to return home to her as soon as humanly possible, pictures that would... cause him to obsessively think of her the remainder of the day and possibly hinder his work performance. There is "Nothing" going on in some of them, but that doesn't mean they do not inspire as much, or more desire than couples pornography itself.
So... I pick one, anthro woman, seductive pose, and I draw her. I change a lot. I change her expression, her hair, her tail, her eyes, eyebrows, add things, etc. In the end the only thing recognizable was the pose.
And for refs, I had to look at a lot of pictures of, well.
In the end it was incredibly exciting. And, i felt more of my more primal self, the part of me that is in the majority of men, yet these men take it for granted... Awaken. "You know, a part of me wants this. It is natural. More natural than the things I have been through/endured/were forced on me when I was young."
It was good. But it was also bad.
I felt some of the innocence, some of the beauty, some of the mystique of my love of what anthro is, become dulled. If my love of the beauty of anthro is 10 points, I lost, at least in a way, albeit I am hoping temporarily, one point of that mysqtique, that beauty that makes anthro so attractive and wonderful to me.
I took great pains to make her... As realistic as possible. I even gave her a name. "Jenny". And naturally I craved a story and began drawing a background for her. I decided to give her a husband. I decided that that picture was her honeymoon picture, as her husband finds her, naked, vulnerable, seductive. Senses dulled because she trusts him. Because she loves him.
Of course I wanted to draw them together, every... glistening detail of the physical oneness of a man and a woman who love one another. My lust seemed unbridled for a moment, my loneliness satiated... at least for a moment.
I struggled with it. Coming to terms. Seeking God. Being honest with myself. Being hard on myself, but allowing myself to comprehend the why. Why do I do what I do and why do I want what I want???
I guess that's it. That's my confession. You can see I had a deep reckoning with it.
Tl;Dr:
I drew a sexy, naked anthro girl. I struggled with meaning of it. Sometimes what I want isn't what I want, even though I want it more than anything else.
Hope you guys are doing good. <3
I am in so much pain. I don't mean to whine. Today I took my first steps like a normal person. I'm glad nobody is around to hear me groan I sound like an injured animal. It feels good to walk again it outweighs the pain. Every step hurts but it's worth it. Ibuprofen is a miracle. So is msm lotion, arnica 30c, and glucosamine. Icing helps tons and tons and tons. I'm a very muscular person and I asked the nurse how ice is going to go through all those muscle she just said "it helps" she's right it does. Thank you all for everything.
I lost twelve pounds!
Posted 8 years ago... except that I was already at my fighting weight XD strep throat sucks! I should have gargled with super salty water right when it started to get sore. Had an opportunity to get antibiotics and turned it down... Never again
Oh, you have strep throat?
Posted 8 years agoHere, let me call you so we can talk about how much it hurts to talk.
Seriously.
4 people so far, 1 person 4 times. Not kidding.
I don't get it!
The person who called four times is my crazy stalker ex. I didn't pick up any of those times.
Seriously.
4 people so far, 1 person 4 times. Not kidding.
I don't get it!
The person who called four times is my crazy stalker ex. I didn't pick up any of those times.
Sheerah, why?
Posted 8 years agoThe lone wolf- girl stood in the middle of the smoldering village, her chest panting. In one hand, was a tightly grasped combat bowie, the water of war covering it, in her other hand, a plasma rifle.
It's tritanium and artificial diamond muzzle glowing warmly as it condensed moisture in the air, which wafted off of it as steam.
Steve sighed, his own rifle held low. He knew... If Sheerah was standing like this... There wasn't much left of the enemy at this point.
"Hey psycho." He said with a grin. Yeah, he was taking his life into his own hands. But he didn't care.
Some risks were worth it.
He felt a part of her focus on him, and hoped his instincts were right. She smiled, just a little more, and relaxed, when she heard his voice.
"You're late." She said, steadying her breathing.
Steve sighed and pushed his fifteen pound plasma rifle behind his back, and stood next to her.
"You know what they call you, right?"
Unable to quench her crazy grin, she turned to him.
"What." She asked, breathing through her teeth, when her lips finally relaxed, her eyes closing, as she regained her composure.
"The demon. Female demon." Sheerah chuckled.
She walked to a chair that sat outside of an adobe hut, and sat down on it. Her face now totally relaxed, she almost looked sane.
Steve sat next to her with a sigh.
She looked at him, the tears coming to her eyes, but she barely felt it.
Steve looked around, and saw her hand there, hanging limply by her side, her eyes closing tightly as she hung her head.
"You wanna get a drink?" He asked when her hand suddenly clenched into a fist- making him glad he did not attempt to hold it, and comfort her.
Her pained silence gave him all the answer he needed. He looked away, and closed his eyes, his heart wrenched for this poor creature.
He knew many Naakaanee were empaths, and he wondered if Sheerah was, too. The hair that covered her body was a light grey, with dull streaks of black, striking and beautiful marking on her face, and those sometimes soft yellow eyes called to him. He did not know if it was because he had not seen too many of her kind before, and he was deciding if it was just novelty, or if maybe she was something special.
Sheerah got up and walked off into the village, slowly, stunned, and with a clenched fist in one hand, a bowie in the other.
~
Steve slept next to the APC. It was one of the older units, diesel powered, with armor plating and tracks, it did not hover in the air like the Destroyers.
But it afforded him some solace, as his fellow soldiers caroused and partied their fears away, Naakaanee and human both, drinking, at the bar in the base.
His eyes finally closing, the adrenaline wearing off, he did not hear her silent foot falls as she stood over him.
"What do they call you? Butthead?"
Steve winced.
"I wouldn't repeat what they call me in the presence of a lady."
Sheerah grinned, blinking, and looking away. He felt her shame, at letting her more... crazy side... take control back in the village. She was a warm blooded woman, before they captured her, and she still was. The Naakaanee heart was a very warm, very caring thing, and it was hard to turn them dark, although the Ishtarii had a knack for doing just that.
She stood there, in nervous silence for a moment, and looked towards the noisy bar, about three hundred meters away.
"I'll buy you a drink." Steve said, groaning as he leaned up with a yawn.
"No. You're tired." She spoke softly, as he felt her heart drawn towards him. But the pained look on her face told him she was conflicted. She wanted things, yes, most women did, and she was unusually vulnerable, now.
"I don't. Uh..." She stammered, and blushed, the soft hair on her cheeks bunching up into small clusters, which was a traditional Naakaanee blush, beings that their facial skin was not visible under their hair.
She stood there, looking like she was about to break down.
Steve looked around. They were alone.
He looked up at her, and those soft yellow eyes looked down at him. Slowly, he extended his hand up to her, as her trembling hand took his, he guided her down, in front of him.
She leaned in to kiss him, but he turned away, instead, pulling her into his lap.
She looked down, ashamed.
Her body was tense, and trembled, slightly. Most of her wanted to pull away, and run far from that place. But the rest of her quivered in fear, with a desire to be close to someone. Close to him. Terrified of rejection, of being used, though a part of her, felt so unworthy even that would have been okay.
"Don't be ashamed. I like you. Neither of us is in our right mind, right now. Relax..." He spoke softly. As platonically as he could manage, he wrapped his arms around her belly, and pulled her tight into his chest. She tensed up, yes, but when her heart felt his motives- which was to comfort her in the purest way he knew how, she did soon relax.
Her head hung low, and yes, the tears did come. A very soft, very warm hand hung limply, her fingers pushed numbly between his arm and her stomach, as it dangled there, her pain too great to even bring strength to her own hand, instead, she allowed him to be her strength.
Steve nuzzled her, through her long auburn hair. He couldn't help taking in her scent, as he knew, scent was a big deal to her people. If not for the scent of war and carnage, being this close to her, he could just barely make out her body's own natural scent. It was as soft as she was, sweet, and could only be described as pleasant.
Breathing slowly, he felt total peace as her heart synchronized with his own. Incredibly, he had never felt closer to another living thing as he did right now with this hurting woman.
She closed her eyes when his lips pressed gently through her hair, and on her neck, when he pulled away, and gave her a friendly nuzzle, with a sigh, as he looked at the setting sun on her planet. Purple hues mingled with green, and tickled yellow streaks in the sky as the darkness came.
He felt her heart call out to him, and rather than indulging in her turbulent and carnal desires, instead, he comforted her with his own selfless love, tenderly nurturing the feelings he had for her, with respect for her well being above even his own desires in the ether between her and himself. She closed her eyes, feeling his sober devotion and love for her.
"How come you never told me you liked me."
"I always thought you knew. You're a mind reader, right?"
"Empath. And yeah, I guess I did." She said with a smile, her ears laying flat against her head, her head slightly low in submission to him. Cool yellow eyes looked blankly down, not focused on anything in particular, really.
He felt her belly spasm as she chuckled, then relaxed, again. He exhaled through his nose, the warm air softly pelting her shoulder as she moved her hair out of his face, and they both watched the sun set.
Steve took her hand in his own, and squeezed it. Despite what he felt for her then, and what she felt for him, he gave her a warrior's promise. No matter what, to his dying breath, he would always be there for her, and give his life for hers, if it ever came down to that.
Sheerah smiled, looking down, blushing, touched by this human man's kindness to her. She squeezed his hand back, and turned to look at him.
His people were so different... So driven by sex and a desire to mate. Her people were driven to find lifelong companions, courting for years sometimes, in celibacy.
She blushed and chuckled nervously. Ah, but he was different. His intense blue eyes looking into her soft yellow eyes, which glowed just for a few moments as her sun slowly ebbed behind the mountains of her planet. He would not ask of her the one thing she felt guilty for offering him. Neither would he take it. Instead, he would honor the traditions of her people.
She squeezed his hand once more.
"I am... I'm.. Damaged." She whispered, and he felt her sorrow streak through her heart as she spoke those words to him, as they both sat in the cool dirt.
"Me too." He said with a deep sigh.
"Filthy human."
"Dirty Nak."
Steve grinned as she laughed, pushing her back into his chest. They fall back, onto his USMC main pack. She writhed in his hands, pretending to be fighting him and giggling as he tried to hold onto a person who was three times his human strength.
Laughing, from her heart for the first time in years, she relaxed on his chest, as he held her close to himself. He grinned, too, feeling free. Free to hold her, free to channel his devotion to her. He did not know where it would take him, but he could offer this female warrior his heart.
Sheerah sighed, knowing she could only ever feel this way with this man, grateful he did not judge her. Did not ridicule her in his heart like some of the other men did when they would look at her and scoff.
His crazy made friends with her crazy.
It was the beginning of something beautiful.
It's tritanium and artificial diamond muzzle glowing warmly as it condensed moisture in the air, which wafted off of it as steam.
Steve sighed, his own rifle held low. He knew... If Sheerah was standing like this... There wasn't much left of the enemy at this point.
"Hey psycho." He said with a grin. Yeah, he was taking his life into his own hands. But he didn't care.
Some risks were worth it.
He felt a part of her focus on him, and hoped his instincts were right. She smiled, just a little more, and relaxed, when she heard his voice.
"You're late." She said, steadying her breathing.
Steve sighed and pushed his fifteen pound plasma rifle behind his back, and stood next to her.
"You know what they call you, right?"
Unable to quench her crazy grin, she turned to him.
"What." She asked, breathing through her teeth, when her lips finally relaxed, her eyes closing, as she regained her composure.
"The demon. Female demon." Sheerah chuckled.
She walked to a chair that sat outside of an adobe hut, and sat down on it. Her face now totally relaxed, she almost looked sane.
Steve sat next to her with a sigh.
She looked at him, the tears coming to her eyes, but she barely felt it.
Steve looked around, and saw her hand there, hanging limply by her side, her eyes closing tightly as she hung her head.
"You wanna get a drink?" He asked when her hand suddenly clenched into a fist- making him glad he did not attempt to hold it, and comfort her.
Her pained silence gave him all the answer he needed. He looked away, and closed his eyes, his heart wrenched for this poor creature.
He knew many Naakaanee were empaths, and he wondered if Sheerah was, too. The hair that covered her body was a light grey, with dull streaks of black, striking and beautiful marking on her face, and those sometimes soft yellow eyes called to him. He did not know if it was because he had not seen too many of her kind before, and he was deciding if it was just novelty, or if maybe she was something special.
Sheerah got up and walked off into the village, slowly, stunned, and with a clenched fist in one hand, a bowie in the other.
~
Steve slept next to the APC. It was one of the older units, diesel powered, with armor plating and tracks, it did not hover in the air like the Destroyers.
But it afforded him some solace, as his fellow soldiers caroused and partied their fears away, Naakaanee and human both, drinking, at the bar in the base.
His eyes finally closing, the adrenaline wearing off, he did not hear her silent foot falls as she stood over him.
"What do they call you? Butthead?"
Steve winced.
"I wouldn't repeat what they call me in the presence of a lady."
Sheerah grinned, blinking, and looking away. He felt her shame, at letting her more... crazy side... take control back in the village. She was a warm blooded woman, before they captured her, and she still was. The Naakaanee heart was a very warm, very caring thing, and it was hard to turn them dark, although the Ishtarii had a knack for doing just that.
She stood there, in nervous silence for a moment, and looked towards the noisy bar, about three hundred meters away.
"I'll buy you a drink." Steve said, groaning as he leaned up with a yawn.
"No. You're tired." She spoke softly, as he felt her heart drawn towards him. But the pained look on her face told him she was conflicted. She wanted things, yes, most women did, and she was unusually vulnerable, now.
"I don't. Uh..." She stammered, and blushed, the soft hair on her cheeks bunching up into small clusters, which was a traditional Naakaanee blush, beings that their facial skin was not visible under their hair.
She stood there, looking like she was about to break down.
Steve looked around. They were alone.
He looked up at her, and those soft yellow eyes looked down at him. Slowly, he extended his hand up to her, as her trembling hand took his, he guided her down, in front of him.
She leaned in to kiss him, but he turned away, instead, pulling her into his lap.
She looked down, ashamed.
Her body was tense, and trembled, slightly. Most of her wanted to pull away, and run far from that place. But the rest of her quivered in fear, with a desire to be close to someone. Close to him. Terrified of rejection, of being used, though a part of her, felt so unworthy even that would have been okay.
"Don't be ashamed. I like you. Neither of us is in our right mind, right now. Relax..." He spoke softly. As platonically as he could manage, he wrapped his arms around her belly, and pulled her tight into his chest. She tensed up, yes, but when her heart felt his motives- which was to comfort her in the purest way he knew how, she did soon relax.
Her head hung low, and yes, the tears did come. A very soft, very warm hand hung limply, her fingers pushed numbly between his arm and her stomach, as it dangled there, her pain too great to even bring strength to her own hand, instead, she allowed him to be her strength.
Steve nuzzled her, through her long auburn hair. He couldn't help taking in her scent, as he knew, scent was a big deal to her people. If not for the scent of war and carnage, being this close to her, he could just barely make out her body's own natural scent. It was as soft as she was, sweet, and could only be described as pleasant.
Breathing slowly, he felt total peace as her heart synchronized with his own. Incredibly, he had never felt closer to another living thing as he did right now with this hurting woman.
She closed her eyes when his lips pressed gently through her hair, and on her neck, when he pulled away, and gave her a friendly nuzzle, with a sigh, as he looked at the setting sun on her planet. Purple hues mingled with green, and tickled yellow streaks in the sky as the darkness came.
He felt her heart call out to him, and rather than indulging in her turbulent and carnal desires, instead, he comforted her with his own selfless love, tenderly nurturing the feelings he had for her, with respect for her well being above even his own desires in the ether between her and himself. She closed her eyes, feeling his sober devotion and love for her.
"How come you never told me you liked me."
"I always thought you knew. You're a mind reader, right?"
"Empath. And yeah, I guess I did." She said with a smile, her ears laying flat against her head, her head slightly low in submission to him. Cool yellow eyes looked blankly down, not focused on anything in particular, really.
He felt her belly spasm as she chuckled, then relaxed, again. He exhaled through his nose, the warm air softly pelting her shoulder as she moved her hair out of his face, and they both watched the sun set.
Steve took her hand in his own, and squeezed it. Despite what he felt for her then, and what she felt for him, he gave her a warrior's promise. No matter what, to his dying breath, he would always be there for her, and give his life for hers, if it ever came down to that.
Sheerah smiled, looking down, blushing, touched by this human man's kindness to her. She squeezed his hand back, and turned to look at him.
His people were so different... So driven by sex and a desire to mate. Her people were driven to find lifelong companions, courting for years sometimes, in celibacy.
She blushed and chuckled nervously. Ah, but he was different. His intense blue eyes looking into her soft yellow eyes, which glowed just for a few moments as her sun slowly ebbed behind the mountains of her planet. He would not ask of her the one thing she felt guilty for offering him. Neither would he take it. Instead, he would honor the traditions of her people.
She squeezed his hand once more.
"I am... I'm.. Damaged." She whispered, and he felt her sorrow streak through her heart as she spoke those words to him, as they both sat in the cool dirt.
"Me too." He said with a deep sigh.
"Filthy human."
"Dirty Nak."
Steve grinned as she laughed, pushing her back into his chest. They fall back, onto his USMC main pack. She writhed in his hands, pretending to be fighting him and giggling as he tried to hold onto a person who was three times his human strength.
Laughing, from her heart for the first time in years, she relaxed on his chest, as he held her close to himself. He grinned, too, feeling free. Free to hold her, free to channel his devotion to her. He did not know where it would take him, but he could offer this female warrior his heart.
Sheerah sighed, knowing she could only ever feel this way with this man, grateful he did not judge her. Did not ridicule her in his heart like some of the other men did when they would look at her and scoff.
His crazy made friends with her crazy.
It was the beginning of something beautiful.
Short story. May be violent. An intro... To Sheerah
Posted 8 years ago"GAH!" Sheerah shrieked as she dove next to a tree, pushing her hundred fifty pound body against it for cover.
In the sky above her, an ATX micro Destroyer streaked silently, startling her.
She closed her eyes, her chest heaving for a moment. Teeth gritted together as the pain came trickling back into her heart.
Memories... Of sorrows suffered as a mere object at the hands of the Ishtarii.
SHe gripped the strange weapon the humans had given her.
When her eyes opened again, cool yellow irises widened to take in the blunt and seemingly useless object.
But she knew better.
She had seen them make trees explode into fire with just a squeeze of the trigger of this strange weapon... The stench of ozone generated by the micro reactor making her sneeze as it's strange scent lingered in her canine nostrils.
She crinkled her nose and braved a snort, clearing her nasal passages. Her pointy, and forty nine times more sensitive canine ears perceived the soft whine contained within the plasma rifle.
"HUH!" She jumped when a Destroyer overhead activated it's plasma cannons, igniting the air around the intense beams of white to light, as it seemed to shoot out fire, rather than superheated matter. Twenty- four million degrees of heat set fire to the air, causing a thunderous crash to shatter the silence and drown out the reactor in her rifle.
Damn these humans. And their technology.
Her race was once enslaved by human men with these same rifles, yes, she remembered. She was just a child when it happened, nut having been bought and sold as a teenager by the Ishtarii, she knew what her parents had felt as captives, forced to strip mine their own planet.
There was work to do, now. Old hatreds had been buried. Alliances formed. Mankind seemed to have two faces, and now her people saw the friendly side... Where they once washed their clothes in streams and rivers, they had high tech stepper motor driven washing machines, electricity, and indoor plumbing.
But still the threat remained.
Ishtarii kidnapped young girls, sacked villages, and bought and sold sex slaves, women who were once the loving mates of devoted husbands, were sold into lives they dreaded.
Sheerah had escaped such a life.
She forced the agony down of being used as a piece of meat, and gritted her teeth- her breaths became more narrow, and quicker- that grin her fellow soldiers had told her she had- appeared- but she wouldn't have known it.
Nothing was more terrifying than a female scorned. But a female with a plasma rifle, well.
Sheerah glanced at her wrist console, which told her there was Ishatariian activity nearby, and subconsciously, her grin widened.
Her console told her that fellow soldiers, both human and Naakaanee were closing in on the location. Her orders were to meet up with them in a nearby village.
But they might be gone by then... At least she told herself that as she smiled, a little wider.
Memories of the screams of little girls as they were wrenched from their parent's dying arms echoed in her mind as her smile widened so wide, and so high, that gleaming white teeth began to show.
She ran to the town that had radio'ed in a distress signal.
She was fifteen minutes out. As she ran, her face near maniacal, she stepped up the reactor to 'ready' and charged the capacitor banks in her gun. A steady, increasing whine came to her ears, letting her know, that soon, white hot balls of superheated plasma would be formed at the muzzle of her weapon, then propelled with concentrated electromagnetic pulses at her enemy, with horrifying results.
In BASIC she learned about the weapon- but nothing could prepare her for it's actual, devastating reality.
Once warm, squishy bodies instantly turned into smoldering heaps of smoking charcoal and carbon, the victims of plasma blasts never had the chance to scream.
And for Sheerah... That was disappointing.
She was full lope now, her eyes so wide they showed crescents of white, around her once soft yellow irises. Thick canine lips were pulled tautly upwards, revealing her full rows of vicious predator's teeth. Her rifle now bounced against her back as she ran, barefoot, with abandon.
"SHEERAH, DAMMIT! WAIT!" Came her commander's orders.
Grinning wildly she stopped running, her eyes still wide. Panting, she considered responding, but her hand froze.
He may just spoil her fun.
"AH HAHAHAHA!" She yelled, so happy nobody could hear her, because if they had of heard her, she would surely be expelled from the military, and worst of all, they'd take her plasma rifle.
As she ran, slowly, the scent of burning wicker, wood, and leather trickled into her nostrils, her mouth dry, but her grin still tight on her face.
Her face moved to and fro in sudden, jerky movements, her eyes wide as they gathered every available photon of light.
Impossible as it may have seemed, her eyes went even wider when she thought she saw an Ishtarii raider between two huts, forcing a Naakaanee woman down, as she screamed.
Yes, Sheerah grinned even wider, her pink tongue peeking out front between her dry, sticky teeth.
Click.
Her rifle may deny her the ability to hear her enemy scream, but her BKT Combat Bowie would never deny her that pleasure.
Laughing and trying not to scare the raider, she ran towards him.
Sure enough, he was trying to force the poor villager down.
Sheerah's face might have been comically mad, had she not of been wielding a long, thick bowie tightly in her hand, a devastating plasma rifle bouncing joyfully behind her back.
"AHAHAHA!" She yelled when the raider suddenly looked up... and soiled himself.
Falling back, justice, revenge, and death coming towards him at full lope, all he could see were two enraged, hateful, and terrifyingly happy eyes staring at him. The moment before she closed in on him, was the moment he regretted all of his life decisions up until that point, in a flash. He dropped his scimitar, and held his arm up, his terrified eyes begging her for mercy, his mouth open, and his tongue- welded solid in his mouth, he tried to scream, but could not.
His victim screamed, but she did not hear it.
Her pointy ears focused on him, and him alone.
Blunt toe claws dug deep into his chest as she forced him on his back, and lunged all of her weight onto his chest. Grabbing a handful of his unkempt hair, she jerked his head towards the village.
"DO you regret this?" She whispered softly in his ear. She felt his head shake as she pulled a handful of hair.
She laughed, giving him a few moments to repent, before turning to his victim, who was weeping, still clothed, her back to a corner.
"Run." Sheerrah whispered, and motioned towards the hills. When her grin returned, the woman leapt up and sprinted towards the hills.
Gripping the knife, Sheerah was filled with the joy of vengeance. She had work to do, now.
Now it was time...
It was time to feast on the screams of those who preyed on the weak and the innocent.
In the sky above her, an ATX micro Destroyer streaked silently, startling her.
She closed her eyes, her chest heaving for a moment. Teeth gritted together as the pain came trickling back into her heart.
Memories... Of sorrows suffered as a mere object at the hands of the Ishtarii.
SHe gripped the strange weapon the humans had given her.
When her eyes opened again, cool yellow irises widened to take in the blunt and seemingly useless object.
But she knew better.
She had seen them make trees explode into fire with just a squeeze of the trigger of this strange weapon... The stench of ozone generated by the micro reactor making her sneeze as it's strange scent lingered in her canine nostrils.
She crinkled her nose and braved a snort, clearing her nasal passages. Her pointy, and forty nine times more sensitive canine ears perceived the soft whine contained within the plasma rifle.
"HUH!" She jumped when a Destroyer overhead activated it's plasma cannons, igniting the air around the intense beams of white to light, as it seemed to shoot out fire, rather than superheated matter. Twenty- four million degrees of heat set fire to the air, causing a thunderous crash to shatter the silence and drown out the reactor in her rifle.
Damn these humans. And their technology.
Her race was once enslaved by human men with these same rifles, yes, she remembered. She was just a child when it happened, nut having been bought and sold as a teenager by the Ishtarii, she knew what her parents had felt as captives, forced to strip mine their own planet.
There was work to do, now. Old hatreds had been buried. Alliances formed. Mankind seemed to have two faces, and now her people saw the friendly side... Where they once washed their clothes in streams and rivers, they had high tech stepper motor driven washing machines, electricity, and indoor plumbing.
But still the threat remained.
Ishtarii kidnapped young girls, sacked villages, and bought and sold sex slaves, women who were once the loving mates of devoted husbands, were sold into lives they dreaded.
Sheerah had escaped such a life.
She forced the agony down of being used as a piece of meat, and gritted her teeth- her breaths became more narrow, and quicker- that grin her fellow soldiers had told her she had- appeared- but she wouldn't have known it.
Nothing was more terrifying than a female scorned. But a female with a plasma rifle, well.
Sheerah glanced at her wrist console, which told her there was Ishatariian activity nearby, and subconsciously, her grin widened.
Her console told her that fellow soldiers, both human and Naakaanee were closing in on the location. Her orders were to meet up with them in a nearby village.
But they might be gone by then... At least she told herself that as she smiled, a little wider.
Memories of the screams of little girls as they were wrenched from their parent's dying arms echoed in her mind as her smile widened so wide, and so high, that gleaming white teeth began to show.
She ran to the town that had radio'ed in a distress signal.
She was fifteen minutes out. As she ran, her face near maniacal, she stepped up the reactor to 'ready' and charged the capacitor banks in her gun. A steady, increasing whine came to her ears, letting her know, that soon, white hot balls of superheated plasma would be formed at the muzzle of her weapon, then propelled with concentrated electromagnetic pulses at her enemy, with horrifying results.
In BASIC she learned about the weapon- but nothing could prepare her for it's actual, devastating reality.
Once warm, squishy bodies instantly turned into smoldering heaps of smoking charcoal and carbon, the victims of plasma blasts never had the chance to scream.
And for Sheerah... That was disappointing.
She was full lope now, her eyes so wide they showed crescents of white, around her once soft yellow irises. Thick canine lips were pulled tautly upwards, revealing her full rows of vicious predator's teeth. Her rifle now bounced against her back as she ran, barefoot, with abandon.
"SHEERAH, DAMMIT! WAIT!" Came her commander's orders.
Grinning wildly she stopped running, her eyes still wide. Panting, she considered responding, but her hand froze.
He may just spoil her fun.
"AH HAHAHAHA!" She yelled, so happy nobody could hear her, because if they had of heard her, she would surely be expelled from the military, and worst of all, they'd take her plasma rifle.
As she ran, slowly, the scent of burning wicker, wood, and leather trickled into her nostrils, her mouth dry, but her grin still tight on her face.
Her face moved to and fro in sudden, jerky movements, her eyes wide as they gathered every available photon of light.
Impossible as it may have seemed, her eyes went even wider when she thought she saw an Ishtarii raider between two huts, forcing a Naakaanee woman down, as she screamed.
Yes, Sheerah grinned even wider, her pink tongue peeking out front between her dry, sticky teeth.
Click.
Her rifle may deny her the ability to hear her enemy scream, but her BKT Combat Bowie would never deny her that pleasure.
Laughing and trying not to scare the raider, she ran towards him.
Sure enough, he was trying to force the poor villager down.
Sheerah's face might have been comically mad, had she not of been wielding a long, thick bowie tightly in her hand, a devastating plasma rifle bouncing joyfully behind her back.
"AHAHAHA!" She yelled when the raider suddenly looked up... and soiled himself.
Falling back, justice, revenge, and death coming towards him at full lope, all he could see were two enraged, hateful, and terrifyingly happy eyes staring at him. The moment before she closed in on him, was the moment he regretted all of his life decisions up until that point, in a flash. He dropped his scimitar, and held his arm up, his terrified eyes begging her for mercy, his mouth open, and his tongue- welded solid in his mouth, he tried to scream, but could not.
His victim screamed, but she did not hear it.
Her pointy ears focused on him, and him alone.
Blunt toe claws dug deep into his chest as she forced him on his back, and lunged all of her weight onto his chest. Grabbing a handful of his unkempt hair, she jerked his head towards the village.
"DO you regret this?" She whispered softly in his ear. She felt his head shake as she pulled a handful of hair.
She laughed, giving him a few moments to repent, before turning to his victim, who was weeping, still clothed, her back to a corner.
"Run." Sheerrah whispered, and motioned towards the hills. When her grin returned, the woman leapt up and sprinted towards the hills.
Gripping the knife, Sheerah was filled with the joy of vengeance. She had work to do, now.
Now it was time...
It was time to feast on the screams of those who preyed on the weak and the innocent.
Short stories. What do you want me to write about?
Posted 8 years agoHi,
So I have tons of long ass stories I have written but I want to get into shorter things.
So tell me. I am a dealer in love stories. What's a subject or setting you want me to deal in. I am open to any species as long as it's the wolf! I know it's hard to tell but I really think wolves are just great. My specialty is anthro and human pairings but I want to hear what you guys want. War settings? Peace settings. Telll
Fixed species. Existing race of wolf people interacting with Earth. Tell me the setting you want.
So I have tons of long ass stories I have written but I want to get into shorter things.
So tell me. I am a dealer in love stories. What's a subject or setting you want me to deal in. I am open to any species as long as it's the wolf! I know it's hard to tell but I really think wolves are just great. My specialty is anthro and human pairings but I want to hear what you guys want. War settings? Peace settings. Telll
Fixed species. Existing race of wolf people interacting with Earth. Tell me the setting you want.
TMI thing, but it doesn't expire...?
Posted 8 years agoSo I see people doing a TMI tuesday thing where you get to ask them anything you want, even sensitive things. I think I will do one but since it is Saturday, and not Tuesday, as long as this journal is here, you can ask me whatever you want, and I will give you my best answer. I may decline to answer some questions though XD but I will consider answering every single one. I'll just leave this right here...
Ask me anything you've ever wanted to know.. (About me, ... or wolves)
Ask me anything you've ever wanted to know.. (About me, ... or wolves)
Some creative writing
Posted 8 years agoAdvice I have a beginning writer
The number one thing that will make you reach your goal (Notice I didn’t say it will help you reach your goal, it will MAKE you reach it!) Is having a love for your story. The love you have for your story can stem from anything, but you must simply love it (almost) more than you love anything.
When I wrote my first novel, “Kumala”, about a sapient anthropomorphic wolf girl, who befriends, fall in love with, and is eventually rescued by a human man, the story had been brewing in my heart for maybe 7 years.
Notice where I said it was brewing… In my heart… not my head!
One day I decided to finally write it… I wasn’t sure what to expect as I have never written anything of length before, only in high school for homework.
I soon discovered that writing was my passion. One day I wrote from sun up to sun down in “Kumala”, and wrote 75 8.5x11 sheets of paper.
Weeks went by. I was constantly writing, every break and chance I got. Once, I had an opportunity to take someone to a birthday party, and I thought, perhaps I should go venture into the real world for a few hours… The entire time I wanted to return to writing about her.
When I write about my characters (All of my stories are love stories) I can see their faces as they speak and smile, I can smell the scent of their bodies, and most of all, I can feel their spirits. I describe these things as they flow from my fingers, and it is as real as being in the conversation, listening to it yourself, as you observe the characters, not three feet from them.
The only other advice is to write by showing people what’s in your brain, by describing it, rather than plainly telling them. For example:
This is not the way to write:
“She kissed him.”
Rather, try this:
“Sarah smiled as she blushed… The light glinting off of her nervous eyes. Still, her head cocked softly to one side. She looked down… Afraid of what she may see in his eyes, but her heart had to know…
When her eyes locked onto his, he was looking into the face of the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life. He knew he would spend the rest of his life with her, and now, he knew, he had to have her.
Submissively, she smiled, tall pointy ears falling gently against her head, dulling her senses, showing him she trusted him, and begging him to be have mercy.
Smiling, he reached up… His fingertips sending an electric current through her jaw the moment his fingertips touched her cheeks. He felt her face, impossibly soft, and so warm. She smiled, her eyebrows showing him the face of a desperately vulnerable Naakaanee woman.
She opened her mouth, just slightly, to speak, she wanted to tell him how she felt, right then and there, she wanted to pour the overflowing love in her heart out, through her mouth, past her lips, and spill it’s desire all over him. She wanted to feel the warmth of his heart bask and glow in the devotion of her own, being slightly empathic, as most Naakaanee were.
Instead, he pressed his lips to hers, her fearful tongue softly, gently, kindly probed by his own. He did not force anything, but instead coaxed her nervous tongue out of it’s lonely cavern, and rewarding her with the softest caress she could have known.
She closed her eyes. Hot, sweet breath exited her mouth as she exhaled, her heart overflowing with excitement.
Her eyes remained closed, as she breathed heavily, her soft, gentle, feminine hand resting on his chest.
When did that happen? She wondered to herself, then relaxed, and smiled… her hand still soaking up the warmth from his uniform.
She swallowed what little of him he had given her, and tilted her head down.
He smiled.
“Sarah… I love you. I loved you the moment I saw you. You are a beautiful woman… But your heart is even more beautiful. It is the warmth and radiance I feel from your spirit that draws me in… That pulls me in and keeps me there. Sarah, I cannot live without you. Will you… Will you accept my hand in courtship?
I would like to spend as much time as we can… getting to know one another. I want to bond to you… I want to see you so much and so often that I cannot imagine spending a moment without you. I want my heart branded with the beauty of your spirit. Sarah… I want to be your Bond. Will you be my Bond?”
Sarah’s sweet, tender, submissive face beamed as the tears rolled softly down her cheeks.
She dared step closer him, her bare feet on the cool marble floor.
“Yes.” She said. She wanted to tell him how much her heart ached to be around him. She wanted to tell him she had instantly fallen in love the moment she saw him. She wore a blush for hours after he had smiled at her, in that ballroom.
Slowly, gently, he took her hand, letting his fingers slide softly, almost sensually between her own. She blushed harder, as his once pink cheeks flushed red.
Somewhere, off in the distance, a bell rang. Chuck winced as he saw some of the dedication for that moment in her eyes, flow to some other task that required her.
Ears still pinned against her head in gentle Naakaanee submission, she cast him a grin, and released his hand, but not before she squeezed it, stopping mid- step, and looking into his eyes. Shew looked down, then up again, her blush returning as the hairs on her cheeks clumped together, in the traditional Naakaanee blush.
“I want to see you again, Sarah. Will you meet me in the mess hall at oh- thirteen hundred?”
“I will.” She said, turning and walking back to him, her long, flowing tail meandering about as if it were a gentle stream, meandering through time…
She walked up to him, her face much more relaxed, her eyes nearly closed, and her muzzle low.
She looked up into his eyes, her cool, clear yellow eyes glowing softly, reflecting the light through their tapetums, the warmth he saw, warming his heart, in her feminine devotion to him.
“I love you, too.” She whispered, softly, kissing him the way he had wanted to kiss her the first time his lips met hers. He closed his eyes, savoring her touch, the way she pulled him into herself. She finished, and cast him a sweet, somewhat sultry grin, turned, and disappeared through a corridor.
Chuck sat down- more like fell down- into a chair next to him. Breathless, his lips were apart just a fraction of an inch, his mind unwilling to close his mouth, lest the kiss actually have an end.
He sucked in air into his mouth, hoping to taste her, once more, and smiled when he did. He closed his eyes, sighing, the neurons in his brain still fresh and alight with her beauty. Ah, she was from another world, yes! But her heart was as warmer than anything he had encountered back on Earth.
Chuck stood up, and let out a laugh when his knees refused- for a moment- to support him. He swallowed, not wanting to remove any part of her from his mouth.
Ah, but there would be many more times to be close to her. To feel that warmth he was desperate for. To spend the three years that is traditional for her people- in celibate courtship- before giving her his Oath- and receiving her Oath for himself- only to be given once in one lifetime, and never again.
He looked forward to it. Time becoming best friends. Time getting to know one another, and cherishing the warmth and beauty of their hearts and spirits as they mingled in the ether between them.
Ah, she was a fine woman. Not human, no, but no human could deny her otherworldly beauty and subtle sensual warmth of her feminine spirit.
One day he would take her hand as his… But for now, all he wanted to do was buy her lunch in the mess hall.
The number one thing that will make you reach your goal (Notice I didn’t say it will help you reach your goal, it will MAKE you reach it!) Is having a love for your story. The love you have for your story can stem from anything, but you must simply love it (almost) more than you love anything.
When I wrote my first novel, “Kumala”, about a sapient anthropomorphic wolf girl, who befriends, fall in love with, and is eventually rescued by a human man, the story had been brewing in my heart for maybe 7 years.
Notice where I said it was brewing… In my heart… not my head!
One day I decided to finally write it… I wasn’t sure what to expect as I have never written anything of length before, only in high school for homework.
I soon discovered that writing was my passion. One day I wrote from sun up to sun down in “Kumala”, and wrote 75 8.5x11 sheets of paper.
Weeks went by. I was constantly writing, every break and chance I got. Once, I had an opportunity to take someone to a birthday party, and I thought, perhaps I should go venture into the real world for a few hours… The entire time I wanted to return to writing about her.
When I write about my characters (All of my stories are love stories) I can see their faces as they speak and smile, I can smell the scent of their bodies, and most of all, I can feel their spirits. I describe these things as they flow from my fingers, and it is as real as being in the conversation, listening to it yourself, as you observe the characters, not three feet from them.
The only other advice is to write by showing people what’s in your brain, by describing it, rather than plainly telling them. For example:
This is not the way to write:
“She kissed him.”
Rather, try this:
“Sarah smiled as she blushed… The light glinting off of her nervous eyes. Still, her head cocked softly to one side. She looked down… Afraid of what she may see in his eyes, but her heart had to know…
When her eyes locked onto his, he was looking into the face of the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life. He knew he would spend the rest of his life with her, and now, he knew, he had to have her.
Submissively, she smiled, tall pointy ears falling gently against her head, dulling her senses, showing him she trusted him, and begging him to be have mercy.
Smiling, he reached up… His fingertips sending an electric current through her jaw the moment his fingertips touched her cheeks. He felt her face, impossibly soft, and so warm. She smiled, her eyebrows showing him the face of a desperately vulnerable Naakaanee woman.
She opened her mouth, just slightly, to speak, she wanted to tell him how she felt, right then and there, she wanted to pour the overflowing love in her heart out, through her mouth, past her lips, and spill it’s desire all over him. She wanted to feel the warmth of his heart bask and glow in the devotion of her own, being slightly empathic, as most Naakaanee were.
Instead, he pressed his lips to hers, her fearful tongue softly, gently, kindly probed by his own. He did not force anything, but instead coaxed her nervous tongue out of it’s lonely cavern, and rewarding her with the softest caress she could have known.
She closed her eyes. Hot, sweet breath exited her mouth as she exhaled, her heart overflowing with excitement.
Her eyes remained closed, as she breathed heavily, her soft, gentle, feminine hand resting on his chest.
When did that happen? She wondered to herself, then relaxed, and smiled… her hand still soaking up the warmth from his uniform.
She swallowed what little of him he had given her, and tilted her head down.
He smiled.
“Sarah… I love you. I loved you the moment I saw you. You are a beautiful woman… But your heart is even more beautiful. It is the warmth and radiance I feel from your spirit that draws me in… That pulls me in and keeps me there. Sarah, I cannot live without you. Will you… Will you accept my hand in courtship?
I would like to spend as much time as we can… getting to know one another. I want to bond to you… I want to see you so much and so often that I cannot imagine spending a moment without you. I want my heart branded with the beauty of your spirit. Sarah… I want to be your Bond. Will you be my Bond?”
Sarah’s sweet, tender, submissive face beamed as the tears rolled softly down her cheeks.
She dared step closer him, her bare feet on the cool marble floor.
“Yes.” She said. She wanted to tell him how much her heart ached to be around him. She wanted to tell him she had instantly fallen in love the moment she saw him. She wore a blush for hours after he had smiled at her, in that ballroom.
Slowly, gently, he took her hand, letting his fingers slide softly, almost sensually between her own. She blushed harder, as his once pink cheeks flushed red.
Somewhere, off in the distance, a bell rang. Chuck winced as he saw some of the dedication for that moment in her eyes, flow to some other task that required her.
Ears still pinned against her head in gentle Naakaanee submission, she cast him a grin, and released his hand, but not before she squeezed it, stopping mid- step, and looking into his eyes. Shew looked down, then up again, her blush returning as the hairs on her cheeks clumped together, in the traditional Naakaanee blush.
“I want to see you again, Sarah. Will you meet me in the mess hall at oh- thirteen hundred?”
“I will.” She said, turning and walking back to him, her long, flowing tail meandering about as if it were a gentle stream, meandering through time…
She walked up to him, her face much more relaxed, her eyes nearly closed, and her muzzle low.
She looked up into his eyes, her cool, clear yellow eyes glowing softly, reflecting the light through their tapetums, the warmth he saw, warming his heart, in her feminine devotion to him.
“I love you, too.” She whispered, softly, kissing him the way he had wanted to kiss her the first time his lips met hers. He closed his eyes, savoring her touch, the way she pulled him into herself. She finished, and cast him a sweet, somewhat sultry grin, turned, and disappeared through a corridor.
Chuck sat down- more like fell down- into a chair next to him. Breathless, his lips were apart just a fraction of an inch, his mind unwilling to close his mouth, lest the kiss actually have an end.
He sucked in air into his mouth, hoping to taste her, once more, and smiled when he did. He closed his eyes, sighing, the neurons in his brain still fresh and alight with her beauty. Ah, she was from another world, yes! But her heart was as warmer than anything he had encountered back on Earth.
Chuck stood up, and let out a laugh when his knees refused- for a moment- to support him. He swallowed, not wanting to remove any part of her from his mouth.
Ah, but there would be many more times to be close to her. To feel that warmth he was desperate for. To spend the three years that is traditional for her people- in celibate courtship- before giving her his Oath- and receiving her Oath for himself- only to be given once in one lifetime, and never again.
He looked forward to it. Time becoming best friends. Time getting to know one another, and cherishing the warmth and beauty of their hearts and spirits as they mingled in the ether between them.
Ah, she was a fine woman. Not human, no, but no human could deny her otherworldly beauty and subtle sensual warmth of her feminine spirit.
One day he would take her hand as his… But for now, all he wanted to do was buy her lunch in the mess hall.
Women, relationships, stuff
Posted 8 years agoHi,
So I live on a sizeable 200 acre horse ranch. Me mum is leasing it from some wealthy but kind hearted folks (She only pays 1/2 electricity, and the rent is less than an apaertment). Nonetheless she has tenants who rent rooms out of the large ranch house, and apartments.
It has happened three times now... A woman... Either 1. My age,. B. 10 years younger, or c. 13 years older will move into the main ranch house...
At which point my mom will realize she is A. a woman and B. not dead, and so therefore C, SHE MUST MARRY HER OLDEST SON WHO IS STILL SINGLE.
IT WAS MEANT TO BE.
Because she's a woman. And she is still alive. The only requirements that need to be satisfied for my mom.
So... Anyway... The most recent woman to be in my life is older than me. She's 51 and I am 37. I just cannot shake the age difference when I look at her. I am trying. She seems to be a good woman, BUT...
We have been snuggling in my residence on the ranch, for two nights in a row, and never having been with a woman (I have been with guys... among other things, neither of which brought me lasting satisfaction or happiness) I end up getting a little bit frisky. (No sex)
But I feel like God has placed deep in my heart, that He has a woman for me... the ONLY woman for me... And that I will know her when I literally lay eyes on her. She will be perfect for me..
And that is what I am waiting for.
Last night was the last straw. We have been "Together" the massive length of 3.5 days. I ignored her when I first saw her. I said NOPE. But she kept coming after me... Anyway....
We were snuggling and things got heated. I asked her to leave. I told her I wanted her, and that I could no longer control myself. I took my hands/ arms off of her. I lay like a sack of dead potatoes next to her, looking up at the ceiling.
She refused to leave. I told her she is torturing me by being there. Still, she refused to leave. She kpt... touching me... which is something I have almost never had in my life, and it feels amazing.
45 minutes later she leaves. I had to literally tell her... You are beginning to make me angry. Not a little angry, but grab you by the hair and shove you out type of angry.
And she keeps trying to force a confession out of me. "I love you, are we a pair, are we seeing each other, are we an item????" It's been literally half a week. I am not admitting to anything. Her forcing me makes me realize she is NOT the One God has for me.
So I leveled with her. I told her she's not the One. I realize, in a way, that maybe I am wrong in my thinking. Maybe she is the "one" because I told her every detail of my past and she doesn't care. Or, at least, she hasn't let it affect her. She "Doesn't judge" (How can you not... I do not understand.)
So this morning she is texting me, she wants to be mine, of course, echoing everything she said last night.
If I never meet "The One" it is far, far, far better for me to die alone, never having known a woman intimately, than to spend the rest of my life with the wrong woman... I know men in this situation, and they would rather die than go home to their loving wives...
I do not have much to offer a woman, i do not feel, except for love as true as I am able to give, but I would like to give the woman God has for me my virginity (As it concerns women) because I know it is special/ different than anything I have ever done before.
Sorry this is so long, I am just upset and I want to vent to my furry friends.
Basically, I am waiting for love at first sight. If I never get it then I am better off dying/being alone. And I am okay with that, as okay as a single guy who's desperately lonely can be. If God doesn't bring her to me soon I don't know what I will do. 37 years is a long time to be so lonely it hurts.
So I live on a sizeable 200 acre horse ranch. Me mum is leasing it from some wealthy but kind hearted folks (She only pays 1/2 electricity, and the rent is less than an apaertment). Nonetheless she has tenants who rent rooms out of the large ranch house, and apartments.
It has happened three times now... A woman... Either 1. My age,. B. 10 years younger, or c. 13 years older will move into the main ranch house...
At which point my mom will realize she is A. a woman and B. not dead, and so therefore C, SHE MUST MARRY HER OLDEST SON WHO IS STILL SINGLE.
IT WAS MEANT TO BE.
Because she's a woman. And she is still alive. The only requirements that need to be satisfied for my mom.
So... Anyway... The most recent woman to be in my life is older than me. She's 51 and I am 37. I just cannot shake the age difference when I look at her. I am trying. She seems to be a good woman, BUT...
We have been snuggling in my residence on the ranch, for two nights in a row, and never having been with a woman (I have been with guys... among other things, neither of which brought me lasting satisfaction or happiness) I end up getting a little bit frisky. (No sex)
But I feel like God has placed deep in my heart, that He has a woman for me... the ONLY woman for me... And that I will know her when I literally lay eyes on her. She will be perfect for me..
And that is what I am waiting for.
Last night was the last straw. We have been "Together" the massive length of 3.5 days. I ignored her when I first saw her. I said NOPE. But she kept coming after me... Anyway....
We were snuggling and things got heated. I asked her to leave. I told her I wanted her, and that I could no longer control myself. I took my hands/ arms off of her. I lay like a sack of dead potatoes next to her, looking up at the ceiling.
She refused to leave. I told her she is torturing me by being there. Still, she refused to leave. She kpt... touching me... which is something I have almost never had in my life, and it feels amazing.
45 minutes later she leaves. I had to literally tell her... You are beginning to make me angry. Not a little angry, but grab you by the hair and shove you out type of angry.
And she keeps trying to force a confession out of me. "I love you, are we a pair, are we seeing each other, are we an item????" It's been literally half a week. I am not admitting to anything. Her forcing me makes me realize she is NOT the One God has for me.
So I leveled with her. I told her she's not the One. I realize, in a way, that maybe I am wrong in my thinking. Maybe she is the "one" because I told her every detail of my past and she doesn't care. Or, at least, she hasn't let it affect her. She "Doesn't judge" (How can you not... I do not understand.)
So this morning she is texting me, she wants to be mine, of course, echoing everything she said last night.
If I never meet "The One" it is far, far, far better for me to die alone, never having known a woman intimately, than to spend the rest of my life with the wrong woman... I know men in this situation, and they would rather die than go home to their loving wives...
I do not have much to offer a woman, i do not feel, except for love as true as I am able to give, but I would like to give the woman God has for me my virginity (As it concerns women) because I know it is special/ different than anything I have ever done before.
Sorry this is so long, I am just upset and I want to vent to my furry friends.
Basically, I am waiting for love at first sight. If I never get it then I am better off dying/being alone. And I am okay with that, as okay as a single guy who's desperately lonely can be. If God doesn't bring her to me soon I don't know what I will do. 37 years is a long time to be so lonely it hurts.
Wishing a single person happy Valentine's day...
Posted 8 years agoFelony or just a misdemeanor?
Public flogging and fines?
I'm trying to figure out what is just punishment
Public flogging and fines?
I'm trying to figure out what is just punishment
125 things meme :3
Posted 8 years ago1) Are you really ready for 125 questions?
I'm going to see my counselor after this
2) Was your last relationship a mistake?
None of my relationships were mistakes, though they hurt, and felt like they were mistakes, I learned a lot from them, and I am closer to being with the woman God has for me :)
3) Do you believe in God?
Yes
4) Who did you last say "I love you" to?
My dogs :)
5) Do you regret it?
No way :)
6) Have you ever been depressed?
Oh sure. I have been battling it since I was a tiny kid, on account of the things that were being done to me. I am forgiving people... coping, God is helping my HUGELY with it. I swore I'd never take prescription antidepressants again and I have honestly never been happier (Without them) I take natural stuff now like St. John's Wort and L-Theanine (Theanine works the best, it's what I've been missing my entire life!)
7) Have a best friend?
Yes!!
hige10
8) Are you a boy or girl?
Man/male bro/dude pronouns
9) What is your relationship status?
Single. Waiting for the woman God has for me. In the Bible it says that God knew me before the foundation fo the world. If that is true, then God also had a woman who would be perfect for me, and I for her. I am 37 and trusting God for the meeting.
10) How do you want to die?
Gloriously. In battle.
11) What did you last eat?
6 eggs with a ton of cheese and salsa and El Yucateca black label sauce oh my gosh yum.
12) Like to go on walks?
Yes
13) Do you bite your nails?
Nope I work too hard my fingernails get dirty it'd be like gnawing on engine oil or dirt.
14) When was your last physical fight?
Never been in one. I usually walk away because I'm armed :)
15) Do you have an attitude?
Sometimes I do. But I am fighting it the whole time.
16) Do you like someone?
Like as in like like? No.
17) What's your real name?
Edward Coffeepot
19) Are you gonna get high later?
Nope! I don't do drugs. I imbibe, however.
20) Do you hate anyone right now?
No. Not really
21) Do you miss someone?
Yes I do
22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti?
Twirl
23) Do you tan a lot?
No but I work outside so I don't have to.
24) Have any pets?
Two lovely puppies
25) How exactly are you feeling?
I feel good, got a full stomach, coffee, going back to college to learn how to art. My dogs are doing great, I'm also starting my own business. Have 5 acres of land gonna build a house on it :3
26) Ever eaten food in the car while you or someone else is driving?
Yes
27) Ever made out in the bathroom?
No
28) Would you take any of your exes back?
No. They were not for me. They were not the woman God created and predestined me to be with. And each time I learn something, like how miserable I would be had I of stuck with them :)
29) Are you scared of spiders?
Nope. I like spiders. I take pains to keep them alive because they eat bugs I really don't like.
30) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Nope. Only to see my wolf again, one more time, and hold him in my arms. But I'll see him again in Heaven! The Lion will lay down with the lamb, and Dave with his wolf :)
31) Do you regret anything from your past?
Yes. But honestly it's made me who I am and I have survived all of it. Regret is a wasted emotion.
32) What are your plans for this weekend?
I hope to go camping!!
34) Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with an E?
No
35) Do you type fast?
Yes. I use 2-3 fingers and thumb but I still type 100 WPM. I never learned the qwerty thing.
36) Do you have piercings? How many?
Nope. None. I did pierce my eyebrow when I was younger with a safety pin but I took it out.
37) Want any more?
No
38) Can you spell well?
I reckon so.
39) Do you miss anyone from your past?
Yes.
40) What are you craving right now?
Something sweet like donuts.
41) Ever been to a bonfire party?
Yes and I love it! One of the best things about camping are the fires.
43) Have you ever been on a horse?
Yes. It's scary!
44) Kissed someone in a pickup truck?
Yes.
45) Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Yes.
46) Have you ever been cheated on?
Yes. As much as I can be cheated on without sleeping with my GF XD In fact that's why she did what she did because I refused to sleep with her until our honeymoon XD
47) Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?
Yes.
49) Would you live with someone without marrying them?
No, it's a bad idea, unless both have self control, which I kinda do.
50) What should you be doing?
Going to see my counselor in college!
51) What's irritating you right now?
Messes I have to clean up, lack of work.
52) Have you ever liked someone?
Yes
53) Does somebody love you?
Probably, but that's true of everyone, whether they know it or not
54) What is your favorite color?
Bluegreen. Not greenblue
55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
Yes
57) Do you have trust issues?
Yeah, but having a healthy understanding of my fellow man helps to be more reasonable in assigning people trust.
60) Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
Yeah, I guess.
62) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?
Yes I think so but I don't care TBH. I wouldn't take them back and I am glad I didn't end up with any of them.
63) Who was the last person you cried in front of?
My doggies
64) Do you give out second chances too easily?
Yes
65) Is it easier to forgive or forget?
Forgive
66) Is this year the best year of your life?
Sure
67) What was your childhood nickname?
Can't say XD
68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?
Yes... Recently in the snow did a snow angel
69) Do you think you're a good person?
Nope. But I'm trying.
70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
Yes and no. Good reasons, bad reasons. I know that God can make it work out, though, if you trust Him.
71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
Plugged in my phone.
73) What is bothering you?
Being late on some bills. Wondering where my next work is going to come from.
74) Have you ever been out of the country?
No, and I never want to be. I like it right here.
75) Do you play the Wii?
No.
76) Are you listening to music right now?
No
77) Do you like Chinese food?
Yes!!
78) Do you know your father's birthday?
Nope
79) Are you afraid of the dark?
No
81) Are you mean?
I can be very mean. But I am being transformed into a better person thanks to God. It does hurt though.
82) Can you keep white shoes clean?
Nope. I have no use for shoes, I wear boots, all day. I go through a pair of boots every few months.
83) Have you noticed this survey stopped getting personal?
Nope
84) Do you believe in true love?
Yes!
85) Are you proud of the person you've become?
Yes.
86) Do you like the outside?
Yes! It's my goal to have a cabin in Alaska :)
89) Are you currently bored?
Not really
90) Do you wanna get married?
It's my life goal, yes. I want to share my life, my heart, my soul with one woman, for the rest of my life :)
91) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?
Yes :)
92) Are you hungry?
No way man. Those 6 eggs were good.
93) Do you have a bank account?
Nope.
94) What makes you happy?
Shooting guns, going fast, cuddling with my puppers, working on stuff, fixing stuff, writing, drawing
95) Would you change your name?
Meh
96) Ever been to Alaska?
No, but I want to live there some day! Or at least have an escape cabin to go to and a float plane!
98) Do you watch the news?
Nope.
99) What's your zodiac sign?
Don't know, and don't care
100) Do you like Subway?
It's alright.
101) Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?
My dog? XD No
102) Your best friend of the opposite gender likes you, what do you do?
Are they the woman God has for me? No? She'll just have to get over it XD
103) Do you talk like your friends?
Sometimes
105) Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided them?
Yes
106) Do you have a friend of the opposite gender who you can act your complete self?
Not of the opposite gender.
107) Who is the last guy you talked to?
My boss
108) Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?
Yes, it does.
109) Do you go to church?
Yes. I'm the sound guy.
110) What's going on between you and your best friend?
I hope he moves his ass out here and we train together! Maybe start a business, who knows!
111) Who's the last person you had a deep conversation with?
My best friend Bruce.
113) Do you enjoy piercings and tattoos?
Piercings? Eh... Tattoos are cool though I have two.
114) What do you wear more: jeans, sweats, pants, or shorts?
Jeans
115) You're a Sharpie marker, what color are you?
I'm trying to come up with an answer that's honest yet not depressing... Don't wait for it XD
116) Where do you go if you are butt naked and locked out of your house?
To the nearest rock, which would go through the window. But that wouldn't happen.
117) Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning?
In the morning
118) Have you ever said you'd never love again?
Yes, probably.
119) Do you want to please everyone?
Sometimes but I am maturing and overcoming it
120) Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
Not yet
121) Has someone ever made you a promise and broken it?
Yes
122) Are you alone?
Yes. Except for my two dogs :)
123) Do you have any siblings?
Two younger brothers
124) Did you speak to your father today?
No
125) How many months until your birthday?
6 months
Stolen from
milayna1018
I'm going to see my counselor after this
2) Was your last relationship a mistake?
None of my relationships were mistakes, though they hurt, and felt like they were mistakes, I learned a lot from them, and I am closer to being with the woman God has for me :)
3) Do you believe in God?
Yes
4) Who did you last say "I love you" to?
My dogs :)
5) Do you regret it?
No way :)
6) Have you ever been depressed?
Oh sure. I have been battling it since I was a tiny kid, on account of the things that were being done to me. I am forgiving people... coping, God is helping my HUGELY with it. I swore I'd never take prescription antidepressants again and I have honestly never been happier (Without them) I take natural stuff now like St. John's Wort and L-Theanine (Theanine works the best, it's what I've been missing my entire life!)
7) Have a best friend?
Yes!!
hige108) Are you a boy or girl?
Man/male bro/dude pronouns
9) What is your relationship status?
Single. Waiting for the woman God has for me. In the Bible it says that God knew me before the foundation fo the world. If that is true, then God also had a woman who would be perfect for me, and I for her. I am 37 and trusting God for the meeting.
10) How do you want to die?
Gloriously. In battle.
11) What did you last eat?
6 eggs with a ton of cheese and salsa and El Yucateca black label sauce oh my gosh yum.
12) Like to go on walks?
Yes
13) Do you bite your nails?
Nope I work too hard my fingernails get dirty it'd be like gnawing on engine oil or dirt.
14) When was your last physical fight?
Never been in one. I usually walk away because I'm armed :)
15) Do you have an attitude?
Sometimes I do. But I am fighting it the whole time.
16) Do you like someone?
Like as in like like? No.
17) What's your real name?
Edward Coffeepot
19) Are you gonna get high later?
Nope! I don't do drugs. I imbibe, however.
20) Do you hate anyone right now?
No. Not really
21) Do you miss someone?
Yes I do
22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti?
Twirl
23) Do you tan a lot?
No but I work outside so I don't have to.
24) Have any pets?
Two lovely puppies
25) How exactly are you feeling?
I feel good, got a full stomach, coffee, going back to college to learn how to art. My dogs are doing great, I'm also starting my own business. Have 5 acres of land gonna build a house on it :3
26) Ever eaten food in the car while you or someone else is driving?
Yes
27) Ever made out in the bathroom?
No
28) Would you take any of your exes back?
No. They were not for me. They were not the woman God created and predestined me to be with. And each time I learn something, like how miserable I would be had I of stuck with them :)
29) Are you scared of spiders?
Nope. I like spiders. I take pains to keep them alive because they eat bugs I really don't like.
30) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Nope. Only to see my wolf again, one more time, and hold him in my arms. But I'll see him again in Heaven! The Lion will lay down with the lamb, and Dave with his wolf :)
31) Do you regret anything from your past?
Yes. But honestly it's made me who I am and I have survived all of it. Regret is a wasted emotion.
32) What are your plans for this weekend?
I hope to go camping!!
34) Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with an E?
No
35) Do you type fast?
Yes. I use 2-3 fingers and thumb but I still type 100 WPM. I never learned the qwerty thing.
36) Do you have piercings? How many?
Nope. None. I did pierce my eyebrow when I was younger with a safety pin but I took it out.
37) Want any more?
No
38) Can you spell well?
I reckon so.
39) Do you miss anyone from your past?
Yes.
40) What are you craving right now?
Something sweet like donuts.
41) Ever been to a bonfire party?
Yes and I love it! One of the best things about camping are the fires.
43) Have you ever been on a horse?
Yes. It's scary!
44) Kissed someone in a pickup truck?
Yes.
45) Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Yes.
46) Have you ever been cheated on?
Yes. As much as I can be cheated on without sleeping with my GF XD In fact that's why she did what she did because I refused to sleep with her until our honeymoon XD
47) Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?
Yes.
49) Would you live with someone without marrying them?
No, it's a bad idea, unless both have self control, which I kinda do.
50) What should you be doing?
Going to see my counselor in college!
51) What's irritating you right now?
Messes I have to clean up, lack of work.
52) Have you ever liked someone?
Yes
53) Does somebody love you?
Probably, but that's true of everyone, whether they know it or not
54) What is your favorite color?
Bluegreen. Not greenblue
55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
Yes
57) Do you have trust issues?
Yeah, but having a healthy understanding of my fellow man helps to be more reasonable in assigning people trust.
60) Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
Yeah, I guess.
62) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?
Yes I think so but I don't care TBH. I wouldn't take them back and I am glad I didn't end up with any of them.
63) Who was the last person you cried in front of?
My doggies
64) Do you give out second chances too easily?
Yes
65) Is it easier to forgive or forget?
Forgive
66) Is this year the best year of your life?
Sure
67) What was your childhood nickname?
Can't say XD
68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?
Yes... Recently in the snow did a snow angel
69) Do you think you're a good person?
Nope. But I'm trying.
70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
Yes and no. Good reasons, bad reasons. I know that God can make it work out, though, if you trust Him.
71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
Plugged in my phone.
73) What is bothering you?
Being late on some bills. Wondering where my next work is going to come from.
74) Have you ever been out of the country?
No, and I never want to be. I like it right here.
75) Do you play the Wii?
No.
76) Are you listening to music right now?
No
77) Do you like Chinese food?
Yes!!
78) Do you know your father's birthday?
Nope
79) Are you afraid of the dark?
No
81) Are you mean?
I can be very mean. But I am being transformed into a better person thanks to God. It does hurt though.
82) Can you keep white shoes clean?
Nope. I have no use for shoes, I wear boots, all day. I go through a pair of boots every few months.
83) Have you noticed this survey stopped getting personal?
Nope
84) Do you believe in true love?
Yes!
85) Are you proud of the person you've become?
Yes.
86) Do you like the outside?
Yes! It's my goal to have a cabin in Alaska :)
89) Are you currently bored?
Not really
90) Do you wanna get married?
It's my life goal, yes. I want to share my life, my heart, my soul with one woman, for the rest of my life :)
91) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?
Yes :)
92) Are you hungry?
No way man. Those 6 eggs were good.
93) Do you have a bank account?
Nope.
94) What makes you happy?
Shooting guns, going fast, cuddling with my puppers, working on stuff, fixing stuff, writing, drawing
95) Would you change your name?
Meh
96) Ever been to Alaska?
No, but I want to live there some day! Or at least have an escape cabin to go to and a float plane!
98) Do you watch the news?
Nope.
99) What's your zodiac sign?
Don't know, and don't care
100) Do you like Subway?
It's alright.
101) Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?
My dog? XD No
102) Your best friend of the opposite gender likes you, what do you do?
Are they the woman God has for me? No? She'll just have to get over it XD
103) Do you talk like your friends?
Sometimes
105) Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided them?
Yes
106) Do you have a friend of the opposite gender who you can act your complete self?
Not of the opposite gender.
107) Who is the last guy you talked to?
My boss
108) Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?
Yes, it does.
109) Do you go to church?
Yes. I'm the sound guy.
110) What's going on between you and your best friend?
I hope he moves his ass out here and we train together! Maybe start a business, who knows!
111) Who's the last person you had a deep conversation with?
My best friend Bruce.
113) Do you enjoy piercings and tattoos?
Piercings? Eh... Tattoos are cool though I have two.
114) What do you wear more: jeans, sweats, pants, or shorts?
Jeans
115) You're a Sharpie marker, what color are you?
I'm trying to come up with an answer that's honest yet not depressing... Don't wait for it XD
116) Where do you go if you are butt naked and locked out of your house?
To the nearest rock, which would go through the window. But that wouldn't happen.
117) Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning?
In the morning
118) Have you ever said you'd never love again?
Yes, probably.
119) Do you want to please everyone?
Sometimes but I am maturing and overcoming it
120) Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
Not yet
121) Has someone ever made you a promise and broken it?
Yes
122) Are you alone?
Yes. Except for my two dogs :)
123) Do you have any siblings?
Two younger brothers
124) Did you speak to your father today?
No
125) How many months until your birthday?
6 months
Stolen from
milayna1018