Yesterday i picked up the results from the doctors. They told me they will call me but they never did.
It was a new grown freckle that suddenly appeared after Halloween.
Sadly after i picked up the papers and went home i once again had blood spread out of my rectum. There wasnt even poop in the bowl just blood. At this point i will give a fuck. I got searched twice inside my colon with no answers and even got my skin removed for labor tests.

As im writing this im waiting at the doctor because this morning on 7am i got beaten up by 2 people infront of my home. A guy kept holding me from my back as the other kept mauling my face.
Got 2 strong swollen bruises on my eye sockets, a slight cut inside my chin from my tooth, a few bruises on my chest and the side of my torso but somehow my spine hurts since then. Moving my spine makes sounds that my bones are crushing against each other.
Weirdly enough the punches didnt hurt at all. Only the after effects do and trust me these punches WERE strong because my skin got slightly teared apart from my eye sockets until they were bleeding a bit BY FISTS ONLY. I guess my 3 years of Tek Wan Do and my 4 years of Boxing strenghten my face.
Eh, gotta wait now at the doctor now so i can send the results to the police. Atleast the 2 people will get sued

Today i recieved a letter from the goverment from my city after waiting for 11 months and even getting a free lawyer to threaten them but anyways. First off they miscalculated my monthly cost once more but atleast this time they arnt as wrong like the last few times where they falsely calculated that i earn 200€ more than i actually do. They will give me 300€ a month extra until July. Now i have actually have 340€ month in my bank and finally can buy food like normal and start to pay off my dept that i have. It will take a heck ton of time but atleast i can start to save up money again until July where i have to plan what goes further, even when its little money.

Towards my black skin cancer: A few friends know that i got operated on friday and got that part of the skin taken out. The doctor told me it only can be 2 things and 1st its a new grown freckle which is incredible rare for my age since im too old for new freckles or 2nd its black skin cancer which also is incredible rare for my age because im too young to get cancer. Its a 50/50 gamble now.
Right now all i can do is lie down and wait. The wound really hurt s a ton and CRPS really made the operation harder than it should be since even after 2 shots i still could feel the scarpel a lot and all the strings going thru my flesh but atleast i didnt felt pain this time. I know how a scarpel thru the skin feels like. That pain is something i never will forget. That even hurted more than my feet getting crushed by a 1 ton machine and dragged multiple meters on the floor. Im really glad i didnt felt that pain.

Also, I truly am thankful for all the messages i recieved. I really did apprechiated it all <3 It really feels strange and kinda unreal how so many friends kept messaging me to keep them updated of my health despite them going thru their own hell themself sadly. I really apprechiate the throught, even when some rarely interact <3
Right now im just lying most of the time since i cant sit a long time on the PC because my wound stats to hurt like hell. Walking is currently impossible and even walking to the toilet is a hard painful challenge. Its embarressing that i had to go back to the good ol' piss in a bottle tactic but since 2 days i can go to the toilet again without too much pain.
Once the pain gets weaker i will upload a few drawings i recieved since i tent to write a heck ton ^^" After this i will lie down on the couch again cuz i feel the wound burn up again ._."

back on the 25th January 2024 i had a work accident with a mini forklift, in german its called "E-Ameise" if you copy that on google you see what machine i used. I was 20 years old and had to be forklift certified to use this machine, however my boss said i dont need one to use it. 4 months later on the 25th January 2025 the 1 ton/2204,63 Pounds forklift drove up my steelcaps work boots from behind, then from the sole, then drove up on my heel on my left leg and dragged my feet with one ton 2 to 3 meter on the asphalt. My left feet had the Achilles' tendon completly open, even the ambulance could touch my Achilles' tendon with his own fingers. My First i got told my bones on my feet got moved (which it wasnt but later on that) and i need 6 weeks for recovery. On the 4th march 2024 the doctor was shocked that my leg still pains as ahrd as if it were broken so i had to check a specialist for a diagnose of CRPS Type 1 which got confirmed on march 11th 2024. Something the doctor didnt told me was that my left feet didnt had the "bones moved" but actually my left had a 5 times fraction and i should been operated immedialty, however it only was found out 2 weeks after the incident so they couldnt operate me anymore because the fractures were directly on my Achilles' tendon and if they operated it now the chances of them damaging my Achilles' tendon even worse or even destroy it fully were too high so they had to hope the bones wont recover too false because they cant risk that i loose my entire leg from the bone operation on my feet. The doctor didnt wanted to tell my anything because CRPS Type 1 has no cure. Every second im living the disability can go away but it normally stays until im dead, so its realistic that for the rest of my life i have CRPS Type 1. Because of CRPS i barely can move myself around at all. At bad days i need to call a nurse to help me get on the toilet and even shower myself like an 70 years old grandpa despite me being 20 at that time. The doctor expected this result of me not being able to move around anymore for the next 50 years. My doctor was afraid that if he said this to a 20 years old boy that i was that i would kill myself. Truth be said, if i wouldnt had found all that out slowly in the last 18 months and the news all instandly i would had killed myself but like that i managed to endure it all and accept the news slowly which is why i barely talk nowadays. I need time to recieve new news of how msierable all this has gotten to not end up depressed and killing myself. Im not being able to even workout anymore and multiple hospitals said im not able to work anymore at all and wanted. Because of my misshealed bones on my left leg i cant stand without feeling heavy pain by simply standing, walking hurts heavily and sitting hurts too but not that much like standing. Since that day every day when i see my parents they cry, my grandparents who currently are in the warfields in ukraine cry more about me than of their own wellbeing, my aunts and uncles in russia cry and worry more about me than their own safity. My family suffers constandly because of me and thats breaking me that im the reason my family is in misery. Thats a fact that they are sad because of me, sadly.
In january 2024 i was 3 weeks in hospital. They made me starving there, feeding me 2 breads a day and one small soup a day. I took around 1100 calories a day in hospital despite my body using almost 2k calories a day if i only lie down and not move. I had to sneak out from hospital with crutches to get some food because i was forbidden to leave the hospital. I got my colon checked there aswell because a nurse found me bleeding the entire toilet full. Nothing was found in my colon and there was the posibility of colon cancer.
On february this year i was in another hospital and i got tested of how well i even can work because germany only cares for me if they can get money from me. Results were so horrible that even the work union were completly shocked and hired an agency to help me find a workplace while all my therapies got canceled because they all gave on further therapy for my body, then got constandly sexually assulted by a therapist who grabbed my ass and hips aggresively while panting heavily and i couldnt even dare to do anything when i barely can walk to begin with against some muscle man in his 30s that i even told the womans there working that i dont wanna be with him anymore because of his heavy panting and constandly grabbing my asscheeks and thighs, which is reasonable because the therapy is in these areas. I was 21 years old at this time. Then i had a psychlogist checking on me for the fear of depression. For whatever reasons some random nurse in hospital told her that i and my parents have a war trauma because of my mother fleeing the country because the USSR broke up and my father fighting said civil war in 1993 as a 16 years old boy. My parents have no trauma and i dont have one either. Another thing she wrote down was that i have no childhood. From when i was 8 years old i was forced to take pills against my mental disability. I had to take these pills for 9 and a half years until i was almost 18 years old. Came out that i had for almsot 10 years a heavy side effect of my personality changing too heavy from the pills. When i was 18 the side effects were gone and i started to loose my memories from between 8 and 17 years old. Since 2 years i barely even remember anything in my childhood. All i remember is the time between 4 to 7 and from 18 to today. I barely can remember anything from between 8 to 17 anymore.
In April i had immensly amout of blood lost from my asshole, once even was so much that my blood went down my thighs and legs as if i got stabbed. I went to the ambulance and got my colon checked again. Nothing found. A few weeks later i got another camera thru my colon to check where the constand and heavy blood lost comes from because i peed a bit of blood too at that time.
since the 23th July the union stopped paying me 80% of my old paycheck, which was slightly above 1000€ a month and i recieve now 742€ a month, despite my apartment costing 500€ and my gas and electricity costing 160€. For my apartment alone i need to pay 660€ while only getting 742€ a month. With wifi and my phone bills i need to pay 700€ a month while the city refuses to pay me more than 742€ despite me being unable to work and move ON PAPER. I had to steal noodles and minced meet from the store 3 times already just so i could eat something. I need to burrow 200€ a month just to eat food. Right now im in dept of 1100€ for burrowing money for survival. I recieved a 600€ knife in Counter Strike 2 which i solt for 480€ which is how i even could paid off said dept yet i still need to burrow money for food.
Today i recieved a mail from said union that they told said agency to stop any help they gave me so far because they believe me being never be able to work anymore and told me that my pension request got denied because of me only working 38 month instead of 6 years despite me not being able to work anymore at all from multiple experts and hospitals.
2 days ago my pubic hair area started to itch heavy. Yesterday i saw an extremly dark spot in my pubic hair area in the size of around 7mm that isnt fully round and is as hard as a wart.
Im 100% sure its black skin cancer. It explains the heavy bloodlost i have for so long, it explains the heavy itching, it explains the black spot. I have seen black skin cancer multiple times in media and even once in real life by a friend of my father. It exactly looks like black skin cancer and all symptoms i currently have are fitting too. I have to go to the doctor on monday because they are closed until monday and the hospital would just redirect me to my doctor first.

Thats why i always decline all the friend request im getting here and barely write anyone. I truly am gradeful that so many wanna chat with me but my life is spiraling down and i dont wanna have new friends which are a risk of me feeling down or bad if we dont get along. My psyche are affecting my CRPS aswell so when im sad or feeling negative i wont be able to walk for an hour or two. I had to force myself being even colder than i already am for my own health, aswell as i need too much time for myself to just handle everything.
Speaking of CRPS Type one again, i also got the really rare case of the desiease spreading around my body. Atfirst it was just my left feet, then it became my left leg, then both my legs and today its my entire lower body, the right side of my face, my spine and my left arm and left hand.

I deserve all this. I know what cruel things i have done the last 4 and a half years and i see all of this as punishment. Thats one of two reasons why i even continue living. I dont remember my past, my present is pure suffering and there is no future i can build up. The second reason is that we cant see into the future. We dont know what happens tommorrow. This gives me faith that one day this all will be worth it and i refuse to give up early enough. One day being pantience and enduring all this will be worth it i just know it, besides i wont run away from my punishment of my actions either.
These two things are the only things that makes me continue despite having no reason and no chains that are bonding me strong enough to anyone or anything.

After this post i will start posting a few new commissions i got before july 23th. I did manage to commission a few other furries past 23th july aswell but i had to stop eating a few days to save up enough money for a commission. Its not that bad because of me barely being able to move i lsot almost all my muscles i trained and got really fat sadly, 100kg to be exact which is just around 7kg too much on my size which is obese but i managed to loose 2kg already so my BMI at the moment should be around 30 which is still is bad but im working on it but its really hard when just working out for 20 minutes makes my affected areas, which is like 70% if not 80% of my body heavily swollen, blue and just painful to move around, even sitting hurts too much and that for the next few days.

Gonna be on the EF on the 4th.
Truth be said, i am rather scared of furries in real life for personal reasons but i will meet 2 friends there, aswell as i surly wanna expierence a furcon so ye :)

Since Fur Affinity FINALLY added a tagging system, i took like 4 or 5 hours and tagged all uploads i had with the fitting situation, species and kinks so please use the tag system if there are certain things you dont wanna see. I mean there literally are drawings on my page that are even censored for me aswell like Blood and transformation lmao.
But daaamn it really did take like 4 to 5 hours to tag over 200 uploads like i cant believe how it could even take so long to add 3 to 9 tags each upload but oh well, its done.
Real talk, I honestly was thinking of leaving Fur Affinity because i dont wanna be constandly assulted with stuff i despite or things that literally trigger some traumas of mine so a quick reminder to please use the tag system to safe yourself and others from content that may either be uncomfortable or maybe even traumatizing

Take care ya all ;)

Heya. You all have seen that i started to upload all my commissions i have, involving my Fursona and all my 4 OCs.
I didnt dared to upload anything at all because of certain events which turned me paranoid which is also why i never been around any groups for maybe one and a half year or so.
I started to actually handle my problems, traumas and paranoia instead just accepting this as a punish i deserve to suffer. I still think so honestly, but i see that i make my friends suffer from this aswell and i do not wanna hurt the people i deeply care about. I know if i dont change anything it will just continue.
Being open about myself started atfirst to be extremly easy and nice as i was open to loterally everything. Many of my friends actually know me before i even was 18 years old they maybe remember that i was able to talk about everything, yet over the years way to many things happened to me and i closed up myself and it hurts to be open ever again and it is torture which i must try to overcome the closing up. Im currently trying to over come the self-isolation i was doing again without really noticing it. I must be more active to my friends. I know that way too many friends are feeling left behind me and i really cant see this for much longer.

Now anyways, here are some page updates too! I started to do folders for all my characters and categorised them too with some side info of them.
I Even categorised between new and old designs too!
Some may saw that i have a folder for my 2nd OC even tho it never been uploaded yet or the new design for Leon. Leons new design is still in making and currently i only got a sketch from him. I wasnt so happy anymore that he looks like a Dreemurr rip-off so i changed his design. Also i imrpoved myself from a negative, rather depressing person both physically and mentally and so should Leon. He represents me after all. Pik, my second OC in the other end will get uploaded on wave 4.

Also the the uploads, some may noticed that i uploaded around 15 drawing every few days in some kind of waves.
I created 5 folders with drawings i categorised in which group they would fit so i dont spam up the notifications all that much. I personaly are not such a huge fan when someone spams up my notifications with 30+ uploads inbetween 3 minutes which is why i try to upload them around 15 commissions and then wait like 3 days before i upload the next wave.
The first wave folder was called "Luwis Alone" which was mostly focused on Luwis and Leon being rather alone or with generic characters than with others, while the second wave was named "Luwis and Friends" where only drawing with other friends were involved and my first OC and sister of my Fursona Cylia. Wave 3 was is called Pokemon since there are all drawings in which have Pokemon in them. Simply right? Wave 4 is called "different stuff" which is because i have multiple different types of drawings there, such an out dated evolution drawing of every OC i have except of Leon 2.0 and my Leafeon, a 3d modeling, a cool sunflower and Luwuis, the anti Luwis. I hate Luwuis deeply aswell as finally the introduction of Pik the Bobby and as the last wave its called "new stuff" like as the name said, its new commissions i recently got.

And now the last point of this: My 4th OC.
I dont have a new for her yet. For a placeholder i named the file of her involving "Methane" but i dont like it to simply give a character an already excited object/element as a simple name. Like naming a Flareon simple Fire or Flare or in different wording like Fyre and Flair or just naming them the same thing in a different langauge like as example naming a Husky character Khaski since Khaski means in Japanese Husky. Also Methane sounds like a male name to me aswell than a female one.
I prefer a more creative and fitting name than isnt just a pronounce of an object or thing like Methane but i cant really find a good name sadly. If some of you got an idea let me know oki?

I really should try to overcome my fear and guilt from the past. I betrayed way too many people from fear and guilt and i dont know how much longer i can take it. I simply cant move on, but i atleast should try to move on, even tho it seems way too painful to do so.
I may post more commissions soon here. It may help me with my own personal terror i suffer from since almost 2 years, getting worse each day passes. I got a feeling posting my coms over here will help me to move on and overcome my guilt and fear, yet i am scared from all the reaction from all those great people i met and betrayed with broken up contacts from fear and being a coward to speak to.

Maybe some remember the Journal i did 10 months ago which was this one https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9907068/

I wanna write how my body was before of this tried murder and what happened afterwards up to this point:
Atfirst i wanna start at the day of the 1st December 2020. I know 2020 was a extremly shitty year for everyone, yet for myself personaly it was probably the best year i ever had, until the first december which made 2021 the year for me what 2020 was for everyone else. Why the 1st december is so memorable for me? On that day when i was in school from my schooling to be a cook around 15:10 the teacher should come but wast there yet and i really had to pee but we wernt allowed because in 45 minuts the teaching would be over. Since the teacher wasnt there yet, i took the spot and run up the stairs (since the toilets where one floor above the class room). I remember that when i was done and washed my hands, i took my cellphone out and looked at the time which was exactly 15:14 and the teacher was already there, so i rush out of the restroom and when i at the stairs, my left feet twisted. Normaly, the feet twist to the right or the left which is extremly hurtful, but my left feet twisted straight and i heard a loud crackand feeled a really strong hit and my feet and feel down around 8 stairs, face pointing towards. Bad thing is that the stairs had a wall after 12 or 14 steps which was filled with a wall and on the right side of the wall continued the stairs. If i wouldnt managed to hold on the railing of the stairs while i was falling, my face would had hit the fall and since i was running, it would be a hard hit which could had already been my death too, but i grabbed the railing of the stairs so my left foot was scratched down the last 4 stairs and i was lying on the stairs, crying for help. I could move my left feet, but it hurted so much that i was just consatndly falling down. The ambulance needed 40 minuts to reach our school because they couldnt find the entrance of the school for 10 minuts, but the entrace sure is disgusting placed so they have no fault. When i reached the hospital, i was put into a wheelshair because i couldnt walk, but i still could stand up. After 3 hours of waiting i got into the scanning room, where the nurse grabbed my foot extremly strong and wild, which ended up me constandly crying and shaking very hard (remember that part). After another 2 hours the doctor said nothing was found and wrote false information into the accident that i "tripped on the stairs up" and just kicked me out. I then had to work on the next day at my workplace with a (most likely) a "angebrochen" left feet. Please look out for yourself what "angebrochen" means because google says that it means "started" what is the wrong translation. Angebrochen means that some bone parts are broken, but not very strong so it can heal again. On the next day, i quited the schooling and a reason (but not the main reason) was because i couldnt move my left feet for an entire week and had to work for 2 days. I couldnt rest because the doctor didnt allowed it to happen, ending up me going to work like ususally. After 3 weeks i was hopping on one feet to my house doctor because i had daily strong pain and i had daily pain when i tried to go to sleep and couldnt really sleep for months later on. My house doctor looked at it very serious but when she readed hte information the doctor in the hospital wrote, she started to grin and told me "its because you remember the pain from the accident. Stop thinking about it and it goes away" which made me go in rage. After that, i never came back and called a orthopedist for a termin. They accepted but after we hung up, i got around 5 minuts later a call that they had to cancel my meeting without telling me the reason. When i looked around for another orthopedist, the same happened but this time we were still in the call. When it was already the start of february i was making another meeting with another doctor and this time it wasnt canceled. On our meeting, the doctor looked at the file once again and looked very shocked and a bit disgusted and told me in a small fear that she is not allowed to look at my left feet as long as the reason is from the accident, told me she was sorry and asked me to leave because the meeting is sadly done. She is my new house doctor now because of this i trust her a lot.

On around middle april 2021, i had daily pain on my left feet and i couldnt move it at all and standing on it was very painful after 5 minuts. At that day also happen the tried murder of my brother i talked on the journal.
The dituation was this: My brother was in the 11th class in a high school and broke his iPad which was needed for his class. Because he broke it, he was unable to do any work in school and constandly got the worst grade possible and let all his anger out of me and my mother. After 3 days, i simple asked him if he is hungry because i wanted to make noodles and he just said "maybe". I asked him if thats a yes or a no and continued to say maybe. I then ignored him and he once again constandly started to insult me and bully me because of a furry, even tho he said he stops that in 2017 when i was runnung away from home because of him once again and cried over in the arms of friends for 15 minuts. I then walked towards him insulted him back and he only said "come at me you pussy!" minuts minuts long. There was an empty cardboard box of ice tea which i threw at his feet, starting all of this what i said there. I tried to sue him which didnt worked because the police said that this is family problems and they dont sue people for family problems, even tho she almost cut my left thump out where there still is a visible scar, wanted to break my arm, almost suffocated me on the street where there been witnesses who agreed on my statement and when i was running away from him, i twisted my RIGHT feet really strong too (but not as strong as my left feet). It ended up that my house doctor made a meeting at 11 am and at this meeting she looked at my feet for 1 or 2 minuts and used a bandage with a cream and said "if the pain wont reduce until afternoon, go instandly to the hospital" because she had the throught that my right feet got "angebrochen" or totally broken and gave me a medical certificate to instandly having an operation to fix my right feet. I wanna add that my left feet was hurting as strong as my right feet even tho it was 5 months ago and the pain at that accident was a lot stornger that this one, which is why i say both feets were "angebrochen". On my way home i needed 25 minuts to reach the train station with both feets being that broken, which usually takes me around 30 seconds to 1 minut. When i was waiting on the bus, i started to shake really hard because i needed 25 minuts for 20 meters and when i leave the bustop i have to walk around 350 meters to my home door, which ususally takes me 5 minuts. I didnt had to calculate a lot to realize what horror this will be so i walked 5 minuts to the nearest taxi which where 2 taxi drivers carried me to the care because they saw my banaged right feet and that i was jumping very low to even moce myself, having a face look of being in imense pain. I asked for drive home but i only could pay 6€ which they accepted because of my current situation. The pain got better on the afternoon which is why i didnt go to the hosiptal but it got better because i lost all senses of my right feet for 5 days, which i only realised 3 days later after that meeting which was already to late.

The time afterwards was really bad. I was unable to stand and walk more than 15 minuts. After 15 minuts of JUST standing my bones hurted extremly strong on both feets, i almost couldnt sleep every day and had around all 3 days a sleepless night and this was going on until until february 2022. I constandly feeled like i was one step away from being in a wheelchair. I still was able to walk, but not longer than 15 minuts because then my bones on both feet started to hurt so much that i mut sit down for 5 minuts to continue to walk. It broke me mentaly, aswell as other things added to this like the thing with my gradn grand mother https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9965157/ and that my mother and my brother continued to harass me up to this day which i said on a at the bottom of this journal https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9907068/ where i revelaed that my entire family really dislikes furries and my mother supporting my brother for the hate that im a furry, which is why i had two suicide tries over that time, adding a total number of 3 suicide tries until now. The 3rd one would had worked because i lied down on the traintracks at the rails, my throat on one side so my death would be instandly and a bit further away so no one could see me, but the train from the Deutsche Bahn came 10 minuts to late so i stand up and was walking disapointed homeand when i reached my frontdoor, i heard the train railing over and only throught "Fuck!" to myself and was really sad.

Both my feets are normal again, even tho i feel a constand but weak pressure everywhere on my feets but i got used to it. rarly it hurts very storng for some seconds.
On a night at 2 am when i couldnt sleep once again because of the pain, i was sitting on my pc and was really angry from the situation and cried once again because of the feeling of being one step away of the wheelchair. Because of these 2 accidents, i was unable to move my left feet at all by myself and when i did it with other sources, such as moving it with my hands, it was stuck and not moveable. When i did it with a small force, i screamed in pain. The same was with my right feet, but i was able to move it a little small bit up but nothing more. On that night i was to sad and angry that i sad down on my bed, grabbed my left feet with really strong force and was moving in with full powerup, down, left and right and each time i heard a really loud crack and the pain was unbearable which is why i cried on the floor for maybe 10 minuts and bit so strong into my left arm from the pain because i couldnt scream at 3 am. The biting atop was used by it already since i always bite at the same stop at my left arm since the elemtry school to reveal stress and not having to scream. I but so hard that it started to bleed. Not much but also not only a little. After that, my left was hurted extremly much but i was able to move it like before the accident. It hurted like heaven but i could move it again. I was so incredible happy that i instandly grabbed my right feet, while my left arm was in my mouth for the preparation of the pain and i did the same again, biting into my left arm again which made the blood wound even bigger and me passing out on the floor, bleed inside my mouth and on the floor, aswell as over my arm. I when i woke up and spit out the blodd, it was something around 4 pm and i instandly tested out to move both feets. It still hurted a lot, but not as much as before i passed out and i was able to move both feets like always before. I instandly called my father in joy and he was so incredible happy that i risked to break both my feets completly for them to work again. I told him and i already was almost like in a wheel chair, which he knew and understood, which is also why he was the only one who even knew how much pain it made me and was happy that it worked and told me i made a common russian solution. I dont even want to try to explain this. Trust me, my father would had owned an own journal what kind of disgusting person he it, but he is still a good father. Disgusting and bad character, but still a good father which why i only care about him from my parents and brother. So say it very simple: Imagine a nazi. Now change the subject of "germany is the best! Hitler is the best" with russia and putin so its "russia is the best! Putin is the best!" but the same acting, such as beating up black people and gay JUST because they are black and gay. Everyone who knows my father and dislikes him agreed to this explaination but again, every family member (my mom , my dad and my brother) actually deserves a a journal of how much they are disgusting in my opinion but i wont do that.

Before someone asks, i dont work up enough money yet to move out yet so i still have to live with my mother and brother sadly but dont worry a lot about me. Im just a good smelling fox.

Also, after 2 weeks of this what i did with my feets, the pain almost was completly gone and i could walk and stand a lot longer, not as good like in the past, but a lot longer than before i did it and i was able to run again. after 3 weeks its been like how it is right now. I constandly feel a small pressure all around my feets which i got used to and rarly very strong pain for 1 or 2 seconds.



That is the story of my feets and the pre story of what happened at the mentioned journal with more details and everything towards me feets up to this point. At middle january 2021 i registed myself at a fitness studio because atifirst i believed this doctor in hospital and wanted to train out my left feet and myself too and should start at march 1st, but covid got much more affected everywhere here which is why i requested a move from march 1st 2021 to 1st May 2021 which got allowed, but then y left feet didnt recovered at all and my right feet happen almost the same. I paid 20€ for 12 months and only was able to train 3 days sadly. In the end of february i could walk again and my mother got covid, ingored the distances towards me and i got covid too, which ended up me in hospital yet she didnt took the fault by herself even tho she infected me. I got one of the bad cases sadly. I was iofficially 16 days ill with covid but i didnt tested for 3 days and i still feeled some weak symtomes after 16 days so i say i recovered after 18 days since i got tested constandly negative after 19 days until now. Yes, im twice vaccined. After i recovered on middle march, my extremly strong allergy towards brich spores started to hit me really hard. It usually starts at the end of february which is probably why covid affected me so strong and so fast (since my brother was still negative) because i already was weaken by my really strong birch allergy, which had the same sympomes like my covid illness i had, but not as strong as i had covid. The allergy usually stops between early May to middle May since birch spores always come as the first spores from trees and ends as one of the first, while every other tree starts to do the same yet im only allergic to birch spores luckily bur sadly really strong, which is the reason i cant be out for long. I already requested a repayment from the fitness studio since i paid 2 months even tho it was closed by covid, which will be used for commissions lol.

So...... since the 1st december 2020 i was technically unable to be outside for longer than half an hour, which will result that when i allergy stops, i will go camping even tho i never was camping since i was unable to leave the house till today and that will be the first time i manage to touch some grass after one and a half year.


Thank you all for reading up this this, have a great day or night, stay awesome and take care you fluffballs and scalemails <3

Heya. I usually dont do shout outs to artist for people watching me, but there is a good friend of mine who makes really good art, but sadly never uploads anything because he has no idea what he could draw for himself, aswell as he gets no commissions and sadly no love for his art, since he is so very unknown for his work, which results into people not knowing him, which results that people dont support him, which results into that he gets no commissions which ends up into no uploads and the circle starts again sadly.

Im talking about  Apollo_Hart
In person he is really sweet and chilly to write with.
His Prices are very good https://www.furaffinity.net/view/42393806/ and he makes SFW and NSFW (if you dont like NSFW please skip this message to the next space) with vanilla NSFW, fart and musk stuff.

And for me, he draws the best foxes. In my opinion, no one draws a fox better (and hotter) than Apollo and his art sure is really good, which makes me really sad that the circle continuous to no end.

I really hope some of my 280 watchers (why the fuck do i have so many? XD I dont mind ya all tho and im glad ya like my commissions that i upload :3) will find him and maybe some of you will support his work, since he really deserves it and it makes me sad that he is in this endless circle.

Have a good day or night and take care ya all

I dont know if anyone is celebrating is christmas or anything related to that, but i hope you all will have a good time with family, friends, lovers or alone. Have a wonderful day and take care

Heya all.
Yeah, this sounds weird that i call myself a popufur but please hear me out first ^^"

Here in furaffinity, 2 furries said they reconized me because they see me a lot around in the comments, in Discord furries already wrote me 3 times already that they love my fursona and saw him in a lot of places around and were happy to finally write with me because they saw me randomly in a server they were in.
In Twitter someone wrote me that he didnt knew that i had a Twitter account and is happy to finaly write with me because they love my commissioned art
Thats not all! My Steam name is different than the one of my Fursona, since my Steam name is Luwis1337. Thats what i call myself everywhere in games since 2013 (i have the 1337 in name since before it was a meme!) and someone in the game Dont Starve Together reconized me and said that he loves to jerk off on my commissioned drawings and i told him that im happy to hear it and im glad that my drawings make him horny enough for that, which then ended up us both getting banned from the server (of course we get banned for that XD).

Since such sweet things happened, i think i can call myself a popufur now. My Fursonas colours are really unique because my colours are very bright (i call Luwis an eye cancer sometimes as a joke if the person likes dark humor) and the way they are put in, like the markings and placement, like my eye markings or my fluffy neck, is really rare. Like, there arnt many fursonas who have a neck fur and mine got one with a uniqe colour combination.
So i think its easy to reconize me, since my fursona stands out from the look i have.

Maybe you know the artist  Meoxie
He is one of my two favorite artist! The other one is  DoggettDouglasMcDog

I seriously forgot to upload all the drawings and commissions and drawings i got from him!
Dont get shocked because im gonna upload them all now

Like i said, the mother of my grandmother is since 2 years ill because she is 85 years old. Her husband died with the age of 85 around 3 years ago and she will not be better. As we arrieved, my grandmother hugged her dauther, when she saw her grandchild (my mother), she cried already but when she saw me and i saw her, we both cried for around 3 minuts non stop. She saw me last time in 2016 and i was 13 years old back then and only around 165cm and now after 5 years i finally could see her again and she didnt knew atfirst that i was her grand grand son because im 184 cm now. I was so broken from the flight that i was sleeping when i came when my brother arrieved from the parents of my father in ukraine because they are Beekeepers and their bees are in Ukraine. I woke up from the cries of my grand grand mother because she saw my brother and he picked me up to the home of my other grandparents because her house only has two rooms and one kitchen and 5 people dont fit in.

She was doing better since we came but after 2 days she started to get worse again.
Everyone knows she wont be good anymore but we all wish her to live as long as possible.
Who knows, my brother is soon 20 so maybe she will see his grand grand GRAND child, who knows.

Im writing this because she is the last grand grand mother i have and she is the most importend family member for me. She was the only one who always took care of me and looked out for me, teached me so damn many things in russian which school teached me 2 years afterwards, she showed mme so much and i experienced with her the most of all of my family members.
even when i was visiting her daily in the 7 days, my mother and grand mother always screamed at her because she always tried to make food for me, make tea and coffee for me (i hate that stuff but for her i would drink it). She always talked with me and told me how happy she is to see me. I always cried daily in her arms because im worried for her and she always calmed me down. She was to me more nice as to her own dauther because i was the only one who didnt screamed at her and she was thankful for me that i never screamed at her in my entire life.

I was the past months so mentaly broken that i always was stressed and aggresive because of her. I lost a friend who i was friends with for 2 years because he had enough of me being so aggresive and stressed towards everyone and him.

Thats why im inactive everywhere, no matter FA, e621, on Discord, Telegram, both Twitter accounts and every server i was in Discord.

Im so fucking happy that i could see her the last time! She moved from Moldau to somewhere is russia, so we all cant see her again. Im happy that i could say her goodbye and see her one more time after 5 years.

The mother of my grandmother is ill since 2 years but one week ago something happen and thats why i, my mother and my grandmother need to visit her in Moldau now. I dont know anything about what happen but all i know is that something bad happen.
I wont have wifi there. If i will have it, it would been so bad that i cant really use anything with it.
My flight is in 1 hour and i will be gone for one week

I had a really hard fight eith my older brother.
My brother tried to choke me out of "safity" and said that he wanted to break my arm too for safity, even throught i already almost suffocated and screamed for help and that i cant breath. My leg is probably broken and my back hurts extremly much.
He said that he knew that i was in pain and just wanted me to pass out and let me lying on the street until i wake up again. He said for him everything he did was good. He almost has the black belt and is extremly stronger than me. I dont even know how to make a fist and he calls me "extremly dangerous". He said he would do that to our mother too if she punched him once, no matter when she couldnt control herself or not from anger. He knew that im mentaly ill and that i get easily angry.
He knew i cant fight and i was in pain and scared about my own life the whole time. He still continued until the neighboors tried to attack him and threaten him with the police. I just threw a cardboard on him and then he rushed at me and tried to "pass me out" because i was "too much of danger to him" and started punching and kicking me in the stomache.
Im 18, have no glue about fighting, im not strong and dont really know how to make a fist.
My brother is 20, almost has the black belt in Tak Wan Do, makes Tak Wan Do since over 8 years and is really strong.
I was too dangerous to him when i dont even fight back anymore, scream for like 15 seconds "Help me!" "I cant breath!" "Help" without touching him?
And then he says he doesnt regret anything and says he wanted to break my arm out of safity, tried to cut out my left thump, maybe broke my left leg and destroyed my already broken back for "safity reason".

I seriously hope that my brother is the only human like this. I cant imagine someone who already have in mind to destroy a newly adult, who one of their close family members, arm for safity reason who wasnt even fighting back anymore.

I will be offline for some time. Please understand that ya all cuties and i hope to see you all back