So, it's been a hot minute. First, I'd just like to thank everyone who is watching me.. both new and old. I honestly don't deserve it, but whatever.

The last year+ has been.. extremely draining, and I honestly can't explain why. Nothing significant changed really, but I just feel so burnt out and done. The daily grind is starting to feel like it's finally taking its toll, and it's been feeling that way for longer than I'd like to admit.

That said, there probably won't be many updates here. I just haven't been feeling much of anything about furry..ness.. or whatever.. in quite the long time, really. I have one, singular commission idea that's been in mind for probably over 5 years at this point but never actually went and got. I may or may not do that at some point. I'd like to, but we'll see where motivation takes me. I mean, I just can't be bothered to 'shop around' any more.. or wait for a certain artist to be open and hope to claim a spot in the 2 minutes before they fill.

Anyway, it's much the same for this space really. I'm sure I'll still post some stuff, but it will be as motivation goes.. and I figured I'd just tell everyone that motivation, especially here in furry-land, is a bit rough going.

Sooo.. I just noticed that I have ever so slightly over 1000 watchers!
Took me over 11 years to get there, and I honestly thought I never would regardless of that. I don't post too often and I'm not a big communicator.. but thank you all so much for taking an interest in a silly mink. I wish I could do something for the occasion, but I wasn't even paying attention enough to see it coming.. and then the world devolved into utter chaos, so I'm not sure I could have anyway.

I know my art postings have been a bit slow, but my resources are kinda dumped into two projects. That doesn't leave much wiggle room with surviving in the madness and other hobbies.

Anyway.. thank you all again! And stay safe!

My brother showed this to me a few hours ago, and you know.. it got me. Probably saved the holiday for me, sad as that is.. lol.


Happy ho ho, folks

I hate Christmas. It's stressful and tedious bullshit.. all because it's been marketed to hell in order to make stupid people spend more money on one day of the year. Then the other side of that is the greedy little snots who look forward to getting all the garbage they'll use for all of one week before getting bored of it. If you don't spend as much as their parents, god forbid, you're greeted with a 'Is that all?' Yet year after year, you have to get something only to be greeted with more of the same ungratefulness.. which I'm looking forward to.

Combined with my job at Walmart, which starts this Chrismas shit in early September, it all has me sick of the holiday before it's even Halloween. The marketing shit sickens me more than you can imagine.. especially when I'm forced to hear it nine hours a night. Turning Christmas carols into glorified ads isn't witty or clever to me.. hyping up the 'hot new toys' sounds worse than car salesmen when you have to hear it over and over, day after day.
Hell, I don't even have Christmas off. Being night shift, my night off is tonight.. Christmas eve. I get to work Christmas night, so that's fun.

*sigh*
Sorry.. just needed to vent a little. I was never all that big a fan of Christmas.. at least for the last 22-ish years or so of my life.. but this one, for some odd reason, is getting to me.

Merry Christmas, folks. I hope the day is a good one for you all.. and yea, saying that might sound hypocritical.. but I really do mean it.

My urologist took the stent out two months ago to see how that would go since my kidney function was pretty much stable and it shouldn't be blocked any more.
Yesterday I had an ultrasound to look at the kidney, followed by a visit with said urologist so he could over that with me right there... which was honestly a pretty surprising gesture. Anyway, long story short, he said the stent can stay out.

So there's a victory there at least. The sad part is that he also said I don't have to see him any more unless my oncologist says that I need to. Maybe I got too caught up in the routine of things or something, I dunno.. he's a good guy and a good doctor to boot. So I'll miss seeing him.. a little anyway. :)

So it's been awhile since I said anything here, but eh... I just feel like I have nothing to really say. The usual routine with my oncologist is still a thing that happens and goes pretty much the same every time. Same with the stent replacement thing.
Guess the only thing new on that front is that my oncologist is moving away in June.. something which he failed to tell me at my most recent visit. Learned it from the front desk. It's sad... the guy saved my life, pretty much. Oh well.

On a more furry-related note.. I dunno. I've been thinking about pulling away from commissions and such, but various art pieces still manage to keep reeling me in. That said though, the plan does include to keep going with anything I've already agreed to. And hell, at the rate I'm going it's not even an actual thing anyway.

Soooo, yea..

Yea sooo.. I was just reading that might actually be a thing.
I'm hoping not. I mean, I like Mega Man and all.. but.. no.. just no.

I mean, for one thing... live action? Really?
I did see that fan-film a few years back.. and outside of Dr. Wily, I didn't really like that either.

Sooo yea.. at work last night, somewhere shortly before first break, I was overcome with the sudden feeling of lonliness.. and the realization that I'm not getting any younger and might be always be alone.

It's odd, because it never bothered me before.. in fact, I was probably a bit too content about those facts. Then all of a sudden there, I have no idea what happened. It actually took effort to not break down and weep.
I haven't felt.. sadness? depression? I dunno.. in SO long..

I'm feeling better now, but damn..

Not sure why I'm posting this. I guess because I haven't heard this song in years, and listened to it the other day out of sheer randomness and still knew it word for word. At one point in time, in my teenage years, I used to listen to it almost daily. It was like the only song that ever spoke to me at that time. Back then I used to call it my favorite song, and honestly I still do just because of the impact it had.
I was actually a very depressed teenager.. but I'd put on a mask of smiles and hide it so nobody really knew any better.

As for this journal here.. right now.. no, I'm not depressed or feeling down. I just felt like rambling about a song that had a particular impact on me for whatever reason. It might sound weird, but it really did help me a lot.

---

Here I sit and watch my world come crumbling down
I cry for help but no one's around
Silently screaming as I bang my head against the wall
It seems like no one cares at all

Always an emotion, but how can I explain? (how can I explain?)
Kinda like the scent of a rose with words you can't explain, the same with my pain
Caught up in emotion, goes over my head (goes over my head)
Sometimes I gotta think to myself 'is this life or death, am I livin or am I dead?'

The clock keeps ticking but nothing else seems to change
Problems never solved, just rearranged
And when I think about all the times that I've had
Some were good, most were bad

I search for personality and I look for things I cannot see
Love and peace flash through my mind, pain and hate is all I find
Find no hope in nothin new and I never had a dream come true
Lies and hate and agony, and through my eyes that's all I see

If I'm gonna cry.. will you wipe away my tears?
And if I'm gonna die.. Lord, please take away my fears
Before I drown in sorrow.. well I just want to say
How will I laugh tomorrow.. when I can't even smile today?
(Today! Today!) When I can't even smile today
(Today! Today!) When I can't even smile today
How will I laugh tomorrow (when I can't even smile today?)
How will I laugh tomorrow, when I can't even smile today?

You think somethin's funny?

Laugh at this!

So when I look outside my room
I see the world but not the reason
What it's done to me's not fair
You call it fate, I call it treason
But I know not what to do
Give me a sign, I'll take whatever
But if you want me here I am
Ain't gonna die forever

And I tried to hold ya.. but you just turned away!
And I tried to tell ya.. but not a word I say!
I cried out so loudly.. but you just covered your ears!
I gave you all the signs.. but you ignored my tears!

So if you want me here I am
I sit here and wait, it's your decision
But my body fights my mind
They're headed straight for a collision
So am I getting near or am I still
Looking in all the wrong places?
But the only thing that seems to change
Are the looks on the faces!

-solo-

Doesn't anyone...
Seems like no one cares at all
(I search for personality and I look for things I cannot see)
Does anyone even care at all?
(Love and peace flash through my mind, pain and hate is all I find)
Seems like no one cares at all
(Find no hope in nothin new and I never had a dream come true)
Does anyone even care at all?
(Lies and hate and agony, and through my eyes that's all I see)
It seems like no one cares at all

How will I laugh tomorrow?
How will I laugh tomorrow?
How will I laugh tomorrow?
How will I laugh tomorrow, when I can't even smile today!
Today! Today! When I can't even smile today!
Today! Today! When I can't even smile today!
How will I laugh tomorrow (when I can't even smile today!)
How will I laugh tomorrow (when I can't even smile) TODAY!

So just an update on my status for those interested...
I had a mandatory CAT scan last week as part of the routine checkup schedule that I'm on. Talked with my oncologist yesterday about the results of it.. and.. to put it lightly like he did, things look good. No markers or anything, the affected area shrank, kidney function is hanging in there.. So that's friggin amazing to me!
Asked about my mediport, and he said that can be removed.. so that's scheduled for the 29th of this month. ...Almost tempted to take an archival picture of the thing like I did with my hair, haha.

Also spoke with my urologist for my upcoming stent replacement. He also said my kidney function is hanging in there, but also said that the filtration has improved or something.. He went over the scan too, but was more focused on the kidney area. Told me the lymph node that was blocking the kidney has shrank, and should no longer be blocking the function like it was.. so during this upcoming procedure, they're going to do a test and see if they want to go with just removing the stent instead of replacing it.
That would be fantastic if it happens! So I'm certainly hoping for that.

But anyway, yea... all in all, things are looking great!
Course, I still have to talk to my nephrologist... I guess to get even more in depth about that kidney than even the urologist. But hey, whatever. I'm happy right now. :D

Kind of an off the cuff journal, but whatever. If you don't like the NFL, you are free to ignore this. Even if you are a fan, you can also ignore this. This is just something that's been bugging me for the past few weeks.

I like football, of the American variety.. and really only the NFL. I'm a Chiefs fan living in Pennsylvania. Take that as you will.

I'm often asked why I don't like the home team, which around here is mostly the Eagles. The Steelers are mixed in there too though. I don't mind the Steelers really, but eh.
As for the Eagles... it's the fans. The arrogance is amazing in that group. Rick 'The Model' Martel didn't exude that much. After they clinched their division this year, they were already calling going to the Super Bowl. Super Bowl parties are already scheduled! Now that they're in the NFC championship game, they're already calling a WIN in the Super Bowl. It's god damn appalling to me.

It's not only that though. It's also just about any game.. unless they're having a bad year, in which case the fans do an insane U-turn on the team and become their worst haters. It's amazing. There's no debating with them prior to a game either. It just rapidly devolves into.. lord knows what the hell. Then when it turns out you were right after the game, you get ignored.

And when the team has a good year, like this one.. or even a mediocre year.. when they lose, it's not the team's fault. No. The team can't possibly be having an off day, or the other team can't possibly be having a good day, or they can't possibly have just gotten out played by an equally matched team. No.. it has to be the refs out to get them, or the league having some conspiracy against the team. I mentioned that at work once when the Eagle fans were ranting about the refs, then my boss chimed in that the 'super moon' must have gotten in their eyes.. ..because it was a night game, and the moon was a bit larger than usual.

My boss isn't an Eagle fan either. Instead, he likes the Browns.. and also bandwagoned onto the Patriot train. But anyway, a few years ago he called the Eagles bums. Of course, one of the Eagle fan co-workers called him out about being a Browns fan. He said the difference is that the Browns fans know their team is a bunch of bums, and that the Eagle fans are amazingly unable to accept the fact that their team is also a bunch of bums.

I honestly couldn't have said it better. As a Chiefs fan, it amazes me that I was seemingly the only one who picked them to lose to the Titans. That's just a fact that I've come to expect. Was I hoping they would lose? Hell no, I'd have loved a playoff win for once! I'm just not arrogant enough to flat out call a victory like that, despite the Titans being a pretty weak team. I mean.. it's the Chiefs.. in the playoffs.. AT Kansas City. That never goes well regardless of how favored they are.

Anyway, yea. With the Saints getting knocked out by the miracle Vikings, it really does pain me to think that the Eagles might actually make it to the big game this year. The Saints were my pick for a Super Bowl victory this year at the outset of the playoffs. Now that they're gone... I really have no idea. I guess that makes it somewhat more interesting, but really it's only in the sense that I hope the Eagles don't win. There does not exist a more undeserving group of fans in the entire league.
Or maybe I just feel that way because they're the home team around here, and it's actually like that in every home state/city when their team has a legit shot. I have no idea.

Sooo.. this is a 'holiday' that I never really got the point of. I still don't really. I mean, maybe there is a point to it outside of the area I'm in.. but this area is all I know in regards to it. And from that, it's nothing more than an unneeded excuse to get drunk.

But anyway, that tangent aside.. how could I best describe this past year? Hmmmm... cancerous is probably good. My mom getting heart surgery in November is also in there. So all in all, this past year was... actually kinda mediocre for me, all things considered. Cancer treatment sucked overall, but the break from work was actually nice. Mom's surgery went very well.. so hey.
Good thing the cancer thing happened shortly after getting my income tax refund though, because my leave from work was unpaid thanks to only being part time. Complete bullshit if you ask me. But hey, it could have been a LOT worse.

And, it was actually eye opening to me that people I don't even know thought enough to leave a comment of support. That's still awesome to me, and I honestly can't thank you guys enough. And to that end, I hope you all have a good and happy year ahead of you. :)

I normally don't do things like this, but after this past year it's the least I can do..

Merry Christmas, everyone! I hope your day is a good one, filled with joy and loved ones.. be they near or far.

So.. today I hit the big 35.
That's just friggin' awful when I think about it.

Then again, it's funny. When I was in my late teens to early/mid 20s, I used to say I felt like I was 80... now I feel like I'm in my late 20s at the most. So getting hit with 35 is kinda blah in that regard.

And please don't wish me a happy birthday just for sake of doing so. It's just another day to me, and I prefer it that way. Just figured I'd do some odd reflecting for whatever reason.

So my urologist thinks it's best to keep the sent going from my left kidney to the bladder. I guess the passage, or vessel, or whatever that the stent is helping to keep open he deems too narrow. Yesterday he replaced the one he put there months ago and did a test to see if maybe removing it would be an option. Sadly, he was not around after the procedure so I could ask if this thing will be a permanent fixture of my being or not. Oh well..
I see him again in four months to replace the thing again.

And good lord I forgot what it was like getting this thing placed. I mean, I chose to get put to sleep.. but peeing still kinda hurts. That'll subside, of course, but still!
Oh right, yea.. it's put in by, uhh.. well, to put it at it's most basic, they go right up the cock hole with it. Plus they had to remove the old one already in there, then lord know what test. So yea.. lots of action went on down there yesterday, sadly none of it the fun kind.

So went to talk to the doc about my PET scan a little bit ago. He said everything looks good.. so.. YES!!
Now I'm just on the mandatory monitoring schedule.. so every two months for this first year I need a chest x-ray and bloodwork. With a CAT scan mixed in somewhere along the line.

Regardless, thank you all for the support and well-wishes through all of this! It's greatly appreciated, and I only wish I could express that better than I'm capable of. Thank you all!

So, wow.. my first day back to work and they pull no punches. They took that 'no restrictions' thing quite literally. But fuck it... I had to take more than a few 'mini breaks' every so often because I spent the last six months just kinda sitting around and not doing much of anything... and most of that wasn't even my fault.
Other than that though, went well! Glad to be back working.. but I already hate the place again.

Yea, I don't understand the correlation between TMI and Tuesdays.. so we'll try this thing, but on a Sunday (night, no less).

So go ahead and ask me anything. We'll see what happens. :p

So, had a talk with the doc yesterday to go over the chemo treatment.. as well as the CAT scan I had last week.

Said everything's looking good, but he wants a PET scan as well to get a better look at things. That'll happen somewhere in mid-to-late August. I don't know the difference between the scans, so whatever. He's still confused as to why my body responded poorly to the treatment with how young I am.. but, he wanted it cured and had to be done. Lead to me being hospitalized after every cycle but the last one, and it's been said that I probably should have been there as well, but hey. But, I support the decision to cure. Yea, staying at the hospital for 5-ish days kinda sucks.. but if I'm cured, it's worth it.

Regardless, I'm feeling pretty good overall now that my chemo treatments are done. Appetite is coming back, energy level is a LOT better, and it's nice to actually be able to stand for more than 5 minutes. As such.. I've been cleared by the doc to return to work. So... I'll be making my comeback on August 1st. About friggin' time!

For those curious, my 4th cycle of chemo was finished over a week ago. Went about as well as all of the others.. which means I probably should have been in the hospital when my counts got so low, but it's like they did everything to make that not happen. Not quite sure how I feel about that. On one hand, it was nice to be home and comfortable.. but on the other, home is no hospital.

Regardless, that phase is over now and I'm feeling well for the most part. Still have some minor sores on my tongue, which is annoying and I wish they'd go away already. When I got them during the previous cycles, they went away in a few days after my white count returned to an acceptable level.. this time, though, for whatever reason they're hanging around a bit longer.

But whatever. Gearing up for a CAT scan later in the coming week to see how all this chemo stuff did with the cancer. From there, it's a talk with the doctor and HOPEFULLY getting back to work.

Sorry for the late update on things.. but meh. I'm usually private, so this kinda thing is still new to me.

- Name: Tom
- Single or taken: Single
- Gender: Male
- Birthday: December 13, 1982
- Sign: Sagittarius
- Hair color: Brown
- Eye color: Blue
- Height: 5'11
- Are you straight/bisexual/gay? /: Bi, male preference
____________________________________________________________________________
S P E C I F I C S
____________________________________________________________________________

- What kind of shampoo do you use?: These days it doesn't matter.. I USED to use anti-frizz shampoos when I actually had enough hair
- What are you listening to right now?: Nothing
- Who is the last person that called you? A hospital case worker to check up on my status
- How many buddies are online right now?: 10-ish?

____________________________________________________________________________
F A V O U R I T E S
____________________________________________________________________________

- Animal: Bunnies and squrriels.. minks too probably
- Colour: Purple
- Drink: Turkey Hill iced tea... ...how I miss thee
- Element: Earth
- Food: Pizza
- Game: Depends on my mood. I have a few 'favorites'
- Movie: Same here
- Song: Suicidal Tendencies - How Will I Laugh Tomorrow
- Subjects in school: English
- T.V.: Don't watch TV
____________________________________________________________________________
H A V E | Y O U | E V E R
____________________________________________________________________________

- Given anyone a bath?: Yes
- Smoked?: No.. gotten drunk? No
- Bungee jumped?: No
- Made yourself throw up?: No
- Skinny dipped?: No
- Ever been in love?: Sadly
- Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: No
- Pictured your crush naked?: Of course
- Actually seen your crush naked?: Yes
- Cried when someone died?: Yes
- Lied: Yes
- Fallen for your best friend?: No
- Used someone?: No
- Done something you regret?: Yes
______________
C U R R E N T
____________________________________________________________________________

- Clothes: Dokken t-shirt, jeans, underwear
- Desktop picture: A modified picture for the Mega Man Legacy Collection
- CD in player: ...
- DVD in player: Last movie I watched was Shawshank Redemption I think, so we'll go with that

____________________________________________________________________________
L A S T | P E R S O N
____________________________________________________________________________

- You touched: My mom probably
- Hugged: My mom
- You kissed: Hmmm, again probably my mom.. and no, not in that way
- You IMed: private
- Talk to online: My brother
- You sexed it up with: hahaha
______________________________________________________________________

A R E | Y O U
___________________________________________________________________________

- Understanding?: I try to be
- Open-minded?: No, but I'm trying to work on that
- Arrogant?: Yes
- Insecure?: Probably
- Random?: No
- Hungry?: I haven't been hungry in months thanks to the chemo
- Smart?: People say yes, but I question that
- Moody?: At times, yes
- Organized?: I try to be
- Shy?: Yes
- Difficult?: Probably
- Bored easily?: Yes
- Entertained easily?: No
- Obsessed?: Depends..
- Lazy?: Yes
- Angry?: More grumpy than angry
- Happy?: At times
- Hyper?: Never
- Trusting?: No

___________________________________________________________________________
R A N D O M
___________________________________________________________________________

- In the morning: I usually sleep
- Love is: A lost cause
- I dream about: weird shit
- What do you notice first in the sex you're into: Overall appearance and attitude
___________________________________________________________________________
W H O
___________________________________________________________________________

- Makes you laugh the most: Hard to say
- Makes you smile: Again..
- Gives you a funny feeling when you see him/her: Nobody
_____________________________
D O | Y O U | E V E R
___________________________________________________________________________

- Sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to IM you?: No
- Wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: I used to when I was younger, but now? No
- Wish you were younger?: Part of me says yes, but another part appreciates what I've learned
- Cry because someone said something to you?: Maybe? I can't recall

___________________________________________________________________________
N U M B E R
___________________________________________________________________________

- Of times I have had my heart broken?: None
- Of Cd's: I am not digging out my old CDs to count them for this
- Of scars on my body: Two, thanks to surgeries
- Of bones I've broken: Left pinky finger, so.. one
- Of car accidents I've had: I don't drive, so.. 0
- Of piercings: 0
- Of Tattoos: 0

So the third cycle of chemo kinda took its toll.
It's like each successive one gets worse, but in odd ways that you really can't describe.

The first really wasn't all that bad until the neutropenic fever that came later from the reduced white blood count.
The second was met with an overall sense of fatigue.. then again neutropenia, which was fun.

This third cycle still has the fatigue, but not as strong.. but in turn has more nausea and vomiting, which is fun times. It's funny to me too. They tell you it's not like back in the day with everyone vomiting everywhere and such, and here I am with 4 different pills for nausea and disagreeing. On the plus side, they have a plan for the neutropenia that followed the previous cycles so hopefully a hospital stay isn't on the docks this time.

...one cycle to go.. which takes place in about two weeks (each cycle takes about 3, and this 3rd just finished its first phase on Sat.).

That said, I still can't wait for this shit to be over. I miss being able to eat and drink normally (altered food taste.. nausea..), I miss being able to just kinda function properly (fatigue), and sadly.. I miss work (something to get my mind off things for an extended period, regardless of how annoying work can be at times).

Now, if you'll excuse me.. I have a chemo treatment to prepare for. *sigh* Only one this week thankfully, but still.. it's getting old.

So.. with my first round of chemo done, I now move on to the potential second round tomorrow.

I thought the first cycle went well, until last Saturday-ish when I felt overly light-headed and dizzy. I was also running a fever, which I was told wasn't good should it happen. So.. all of that lead to a stay at the hospital due to a low white blood cell count. I was there until Thursday, so that was fun. It was also during that stay where my hair started to fall out in three places... face, head, and pubic.

Soooo yea.. just keeping people updated. Pending a doctor's input.. I supposedly start my second cycle tomorrow after the requisite bloodwork.
But yea, I'm still alive. And still looking forward to all of this being over.

So just to toss out the details a bit, because I feel like I can now. It was hard for me before, but I've gradually come to terms with it.. because what else can I do? I am SO looking forward to the end of this, because not working is starting to get to me.

Anyway..
Back around Feb. 10, I was diagnosed with testicular cancer. The day before, I had an ultrasound and a CAT scan. Then Feb. 13 was the surgery to have my left testicle removed.
Feb. 21 was the addition of a stent going from my left kidney to the bladder to help it drain. Apparently the cancer is affecting my lymph nodes in the area, which in turn is hindering that kidney.
Feb. 24 was the installation of my 'power port' to get ready for chemotherapy. Feb. 27 was a bone scan to see if the cancer spread to my bones.. and that test was negative, so there's the silver lining. Mar. 3 was some sort of radiation test of my kidneys, I guess for preparation.. I dunno.

And now.. March 13 will be the start of my chemotherapy. I'll be at the hospital for five days, so that Mon-Fri, so they can more closely monitor my kidney. One of the possible side effects of the chemo is kidney function, and they want to keep an eye on that due my left kidney. The hope is that as I receive treatment, the lymph nodes will relax as the cancer subsides and free that kidney.
I'll have a laptop with me, so hopefully I won't be fully out of the loop.. but don't be surprised if I am. I've been told the fatigue and nausea will be the worst I've felt, so hooray.

If all goes well with this first cycle, the other three cycles will be outpatient style with back and forth trips to the hospital.

TL;DR Testicular cancer. Chemo starts Monday and I'll be at the hospital Mon-Fri for kidney monitoring. Will have a laptop to try and not be completely bored, but don't be surprised if I don't answer or respond.

So my 'power port' was installed successfully.. and I now feel like some sort of biomech freak.

But regardless, this means after my incision is checked, in a little over a week, that I can now start the truly 'fun' process of this entire setup.