Is my birthdaaaaaaaaay, and I'm waiting for tomorrow for my BF to take me out on a date ^_^

Also, because of something that came up somewhere, I feel the need to say this


I'm dating a man

I previously didn't date many men


Because previously, I mostly dated girls.
I am still attracted to women, far more than men (I'd say roughly like... 8/10 times I'd pick a woman over a man)

I view myself as lesbian. Some would label me bi-sexual.

It took me a long time to decide to date Preston R, because I feared people would use it as a way to justify their negative views on homosexuality. That 'oh, it was just a phase', or 'she just hadn't met the right guy', or 'how would she know if she's never had a guy?'. 'See, being gay is a choice.' etc, etc.

I am queer. Dating Preston does not change this. He knows this.

And the only bad thing to ever come about from me dating women was the same complications that I would have with dating ANYONE.

Is it strange to be AFRAID to meditate?

I just worry that... I might see something bad/scary. Or run into like... bad energy. Or something.

MRI and EEG came back normal, but the doc wants to do an ambulatory EEG as well, just in case. She says she has a feeling it's a sleep disorder, but wants to make sure she rules out seizures. Also, she's the 2nd doctor to directly order me not to drive.


I'm taking commissions, if anyone's up for it x.x

I give up. I just can't come up with something for Sei-rah that depicts her the way I want.

So for now, she's off to the benches, time out, penalty, sidelined x.x

I just can't figure out why her design has gotten so fuzzy in my head.


Maybe it's because my heart has been kind of... welll.... I don't know if I shhhooould believe in some things I used to believe in anymore. Lately, I don't really know what to think of anything, much less things like rituals, prayers, spells. Part of Sei-rah represented my connection to pagan/new age wicca-type beliefs and now, I just don't know anymore.

Is it silly to believe in such? Is it worth doing those things? Is my heart in it? Should I feel what I feel, or is it psycho-synaptic responses? Is it all in my head? If it's all in my head, does that make it wrong? Should I take comfort in it even if it's not real? Is it real?


I guess I'll throw religious crisis in with all my other issues lately @_@ whee.

Just got done with MRI

I swear, all those old sci-fi mecha/machinery noises? All from an MRI machine. Things are weird! And I could feel some of the magnetic energy fields (?) in my bones/teeth. Very bizarre!

Also, I'm back on a dinosaur kick, wheee! :D Maybe I should may Sei-rah a sauropod? I've been considering maybe changing her colors....

Everyone remember how I was taking some days off of work to try and deal with my anxiety/depression? No? Well, long story short... it's not working.

Among a number of other times, I had a very severe breakdown yesterday when I got a call from work. Wasn't even a 'don't bother coming back in' call, it was just like 'so...insurance says your stuff is still pending. -_- and.. we haven't heard a word from you. at all'.

You guys, I. flipped. out.

I dissolved into hysterics, it was like I was the Hulk, only sad instead of mad. Like... the Inconsolable Hulk instead. Inconsolable Tang? "Tang CRY!"

And after I thought I had calmed down, Boyfriend and I began talking about getting better and returning to work and such....

I broke down again. Boyfriend told me I was having a full-fledged panic attack. Hyperventilating, sobbing, howling. This was at the /THOUGHT/ of returning to work, guys.

Honestly, I don't know what I'm gonna do anymore.
Well, I kind of do.
I'm going into in=patient treatment tomorrow. They're gonna evaluate me and see if I need to stay. After that, who knows?

But about my job.... that's a whole 'nother problem.

I want to bring in money of my own, to pay for my own expenses, and buy fun things. But I need a job I can work. And I don't know what that is anymore. I'm trying to fish around for honest, real, work-at-home jobs, but that's... not the easiest thing in the world. Supposedly, walgreens has data entry positions like that, but I can't find anything about them. That'd be cool if it exists, i'd get to stay with the same company.

I could try disability, but that, to my knowledge, is just as hard to get, because so many people have abused the system. And Northwest Florida, in particular, is not very big on taking mental health as seriously.

But that doesn't bring a whole lot in.... Boyfriend says he'll take care of me as long as I take care of the house, and I have to realize that it will be hard also. And I have to have some source of income. EBT (food stamps) if nothing else.

I go in for evaluation tomorrow.

I may be going into hospital tomorrow.

Ah... it's scary ;_:

do they let you bring anything? I'm gonna be all alone............ but... that's good, right? But... can I bring /anything/? Books? drawing pad? comp + tablet?

How long will I be there?

What's going to happen?

scary! D:

Feeling desperate? uncontrolled? Broken? Lost? At your rope's end?

Are those you love begging you to call a Crisis Hotline?

Feel like you may indeed need to call a Crisis Hotline?


Don't.



Or don't call a local version of the number.

...if you live in my area.


I got a lady who, between my bawling and her heavy accent, didn't seem to understand that I wasnt just tired of a day or week of work.

That I was drawing the line of losing my 7th job to anxiety and depresson.
That I spent a good 30 minutes of the end of last night's shift sobbing and hyperventilating in a corner of the stockroom, hidden by boxes. Trying and failing to go to the pharmacist for any kind of help because I was terrified of my manager finding me and thinking I was being lazy.
That I've felt closer and closer to this for weeks
That I felt like I'd finally broken, and even said as much to boyfriend.
That boyfriend stayed on the line with me the whole drive home because he was afraid of what might happen if he didnt (was sobbing then too. i'd been sent home early)

Her answer to all this?
"We all get stressed at work. You know what you need? You need to go inside, take a hot bath, and watch some comedies. Do you like comedies?"

"er... yes...but.."

"Like American Pie? Do you like American Pie?"

"Not really my kind of humor..."

"You should watch American Pie, it's hil/aaaar/ious! :D Or that one movie with.. with... with that guy... Dwayne? Dwayne... something... mmm... the Rock? And that one guy? :D"

"Ma'am... I've had days off. I've taken a number of days off in a row. Even demanded who days just to myself. When I get back to work, I freak out. It's like I never relaxed at all"

"Yes, you must find time to relax :D"

"....but it never feels like it's enough to help."

"Yes, you must make time! Tell everyone to leave you alone and take time to yourself :D"

"...." (even /work/?!) "Well, you see.... I was thinking that I might end up needing disability or a long time away from the work field to recuperate or something. Because otherwise... I just don't know what to do anymore...."

"Yes! :D a vacation is lovely! Do you like the beach? because you could take a vacation and spend all the time at the beach and getting the tan :D Yes, you should do that"

"Well... i do have vacation scheduled, as well as a doctor's appointment, but..."

"Excellent! :D A vacation will do you good :) A vacation on the beach"

"....yes, but that's a while away... I don't know what to do about the two work days I have left until the appointment. I don't think I can go in again. I can't... besides, all these patterns are happening again, and I'm pulling my hair out quite litterally, and picking my skin, and.. and..."

"You need to go inside, take a hot bath, and watch American Pie. :D"

Posting a journal to clear out the previous one. I managed to survive through a couple paydays and have almost recuperated now.

Commissions to balance out $460 vet bill!

For Fable (the white one): http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v.....2-48-45_69.jpg

My dog had to go into the vet’s for some xrays to find out why his back legs were hurting him so much, and why he hardly wanted to do anything anymore. Fortunately, it’s nothing horrific, just early onset of arthritis (poor pup D: ). Between that and the heartworm medicine, the vet trip ended up being a whopping $460!

So, in order to make up cost, I’m going to be doing commissions for donations.
There’s no minimum donation cost (well, kind of. You do have to donate at least $1.00 ^^; )
But the more you donate, the more you get!

$1.00 - gets you a sketch in traditional media. Single char, no background.
example: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/3760938/
http://www.furaffinity.net/full/3975409/

At least $10 – I will ink and flat color the sketch for you digitally :D
example: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/4127163/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3188500/

At least $20 – I will add in simple shading
example: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7123491

At least $30 - I will add more complex shading and texture, as well as a simple background
example: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3940802/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/6679786/

Any more than that – we’ll talk and figure out what you’d like! (because woah, you’re awesome o.o)

Don’t want to donate? Well you can still get art!
Spread the word about this journal, be it on your personal journal or on a community, and I will do a FREE ICON for you :D Just post this link somewhere, then post below with a link to wherever you posted! Simple as that!

Thank you for reading, and thank you in advance for considering donating to the cause!


(note: paid donation commissions take priority, icons will be done afterwards. Also, depending on the amount of commissions/icons it may take me a while to get to you. I DO promise, however, I will keep an orderly queue so you can see where your piece is in line, and you're free to contact me for info :3 )

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3208113/

GO HERE! There's an awesome auction going on for a digital painting with a simple background

This is a rare auction, as this person isn't going to be taking commissions EVER!

So hop on it! As of my bid, the bidding is at $15 (will change quickly!)

Art examples of hers are thus

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5321099/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3630662/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2972945/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3787967/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5311259/

AGAIN: GO HERE
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3208113/
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3208113/
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3208113/
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3208113/

UGH... I dunno what's wrong with me, but it's not what my sister has. That's a head cold. Mine is just... dangerously close to throwing up kind of nausea.

And I don't want to throw up. Last thing I ate was peanut butter, and last time I got sick with peanut butter it threatened to choke me.

http://artists-beware.livejournal.com/542999.html

I'm rather sad. I thought this artist was pretty nice when I talked to them, but after this, I have to wonder if they mightn't have said similar things about others. It's shocking, really. Why would you say things like that about people?

So I had to take Fable into the vet today. He's been chewing at his tail a lot, and it's created what the vets call a 'hotspot', where they chew/bite, it gets infected, they chew/bite, it itches as it heals, so they chew/bite, it gets infected.... etc. They took a look at it, and $171.xx later, he has two topical medicines and a bottle of pills, and the dreaded cone.

here's some pics:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v.....-02-04_440.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v.....-03-15_539.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v.....-01-50_107.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v.....-01-56_348.jpg


Now for the bad news.....

Fable has heartworms. I'm heartbroken. Supposedly, he was on heartworm preventative, and I know I slipped a couple months because money's been tight, so I feel like it's my fault. Mom and Boyfriend say they suspect the shelter more. See, the shelter gave us like... three different stories about Fable's life, two different stories about his healthcare, conflicting records between the vet they took him to and thier records, and even told us he had ACL surgery on his front right leg.

Now, as my vet pointed out (and as now makes sense to me, considering how similar skeletal anatomy is in all mammals) a dog's front legs are essentially the same as our arms. Meaning his front 'knee' is of course, actually his elbow. Meaning, THERE IS NO ACL LIGAMENT IN HIS FRONT LEGS. So he COULD NOT have had an 'ACL' surgery on his front legs. At all.

So the shelter is definitely sketchy, and none of thier dogs were particularly healthy, so there's always the chance that I got him already infested.
But... I still feel guilty. My poor pup.
And worse, the vet told me that the treatment medicine they have for heartworm was actually pulled off the market in america, so... the whole country is pretty much holding it's breath waiting for treatment meds.
So my only option is, next time his vaccinations are due, or next payday, get him started on Heartgard. It's the only heartworm preventative they can give him while he HAS heartworm because other kinds will kill him if he takes it while already infested. The heartgard won't kill the adult worms, but it will prevent them from multiplying.


....I still feel kinda bad. A lot bad. My poor puppy @_@

OMG Pop-Up Video is back! With all new episodes! of new music videos! Of modern songs! It's POP UP FREAKIN VIDEO! ahhhhhh!!! :D *nostalgia freak out* ....they even have the same sound effects!!!

I has a puppy! After careful consideration, I selected a lab/akita mix I came across named Floyd I. ...Not happy with that name however, I've now changed it to Fable x3. He's a sweet dog.

He gets playful excited, but doesn't jump up much at all, doesn't bark, doesn't want to attack my cat, or chase cars, or bark/lunge at the rabbit. He walks on a lead fairly well, though he does need reminders to heel at your side. He doesn't go nuts when someone rings the doorbell. He doesn't hop on the furniture, bite at anything. No apparent destructive separation anxiety either.

He's amazing! All he wants is treats and walks and brushings and walks and hugs x3 He seems to have bonded to me pretty quickly too :D

He's a liiiitttle derpy when it comes to doing learned behaviours, but he's actually learning pretty quickly.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v.....blecollage.png

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v.....10826-1322.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v.....able/258-1.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v.....-43-46_617.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v.....-43-36_909.jpg

Okay, here's the thing.

My cat, Apple, is getting more and more aggressive. I can't exercise in the living room without him literally launching himself up at me with claws swinging and teeth bared. He has no hesitation about using his teeth, he claws people as we walk past. Despite every attempt short of declawing, he still scratches everything, often choosing to scratch after he's attacked us, in a place quite near us. We chase him off repeatedly, but he keeps coming back. hold your shoe out, and he'll wrap himself around it and attempt to shred it to ribbons.

My family is getting fed up with the behavior. I'm getting stressed beyond belief trying to keep him in line and calm. My boyfriend is genuinely worried (for good reason) that Apple, being a much larger cat, will hurt the other two. Especially since Apple had no qualms about pinning Sabre down and biting at his neck before.

On the flip side, he's big and warm and cute and loves to come into the room with you at night and curl up beside you. He likes to lay in your lap. I'm the only one that can pet him for any length of time, and I'm the only one that can pet almost halfway down his back without him freaking out and attacking me. (note, if I attempt to pet him from nose to tail, he WILL freak out)


I.... don't know what to do anymore.


I talked to my therapist and we went over using animals in therapy, but we both agree my cat is too high strung and aggressive to be used in such a way. He's such a handful, and trying to take care of him and not have him attack people is wearing me down. She's thinking that maybe the two of us might be incompatible, I'm thinking I may not be the owner he needs...


But i don't want to be a bad pet owner. I don't want to be making this decision just because someone said so, or because it'll be easier to move out, or because it'll mean I can get a different pet. But... I just don't know what to do with him anymore

And he's not exactly the kind of cat that can be easily adopted....

i'm worried they'll just put him to sleep. And if I let him be an outside cat... well, around my place there are cars and foxes and raccoons and possums. Areound Preston's place there's all that and a train track and coyotes.






Probably not the proper time to bring this up, but my therapist wants me to ask my doctor about psychiatric service dogs. Dogs designed to provide mental/emotional support, train to do things like interfere with someone when they're picking thier skin, waking you when you're exauhstion keeps the alarm from doing so, turning on lights in dark hallways before someone with ptsd gets there, possibly keeping someone awake on the road, and so on.

I...may have typed this before xD But oh well. I don't expect many responses, but I LOVE critique, so if you have any thoughts, PLEASE let me know :D here we go!


1. What do you like about my art?

2. What don't you like about my art?

3. What needs improving?

4. What or who would you like to see more of?

5. What do you think i do best at?

6. What do you think i do worst at?

7. What makes my style distinctive?

8. Any other tips or suggestions?

All my drawing ability has abandoned me! *SCRIBBLE-RAEG!*

Been having dreams about this really awesome aquarium/museum place. Lots of strange, wondrous sights. Including a HUGE tank full of five or six species of WHALE (and orca). And a guitarfish... and some eels... and some small fish.. and japanese spider crabs... And I'm pretty sure some species that don't exists xD

It's very very cool... but very frustrating when you wake up and realize it didn't exist!

There's always strange and slightly scary/freaky things that happen there too, but it's also very fascinating, so I guess my mind doesn't mind going back to said place x3

I want to do art! I can't think of what to art! Need... art ideas...

Anyone have any random ideas to throw out there?

Kalira on FurAffinity is auctioning off her carpet python character, fursuit, and badges. Click the following link to view the auction and see images / videos of the costume: http://www.furbuy.com/auctions/1024258.html";

To see Kalira's original journal and a chance to earn FREE ART, click here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2487910/

sos;eep

tirewant so much sleep

sleep

head haevy

a

So I talked to doctor about my fatigue...

Good news: I don't have diabetes!
Bad news: we have no clear idea what's causing the fatigue

He says it could be a sleep thing causing me not to get enough rest at night, or it could (more likely) be my weight and diet. His orders? exercise at least 30 mins a day and limit my diet. I am restricted to:

-No Fast Food (bye bye delicious Taco Bell....)
-No Processed Food/tv dinners/food that comes from a box :p (I can't eat ANYTHING at my boyfriend's house ;_;)
-Low carbs (not even whole grain type stuff. So g'bye sandwiches, cereal, etc... ...is rice high carb? or potatoes?)
-Minimal fruits (wtf?!)


...I think that pretty much leaves me with meat and veggies. ...and only some meats at that.

I asked him about breakfast (since most breakfast foods are high carb) and he recommended egg and bacon. Which... surprises me because isn't that high in cholesterol? Which one is also supposed to avoid? And what about sodium? high amounts of that aren't good either D: I'M NOT ALLOWED TO EAT ANYTHING MY DOCTOR SAID SO.


Anyway, so the healthy /meals/ is kind of easy to plan, but I've been trying to come up with healthy, transport/carry snacks. Stuff I can carry to work with me and eat in place of buying, say, a box of candy. Or to nom on during my 15 minute break. Because they say it's better to eat small amounts throughout the day as opposed to three big meals.

Any and all suggestions would be AWESOME because I'm not terribly imaginative health-food wise.


Here's what I have so far:

Snacks:

-something like Combos but made with celery and peanut butter? like... make a lil tube of celery and fill the inside with pb. I could stick those in a bag and carry 'em with me to work. Awesome because is slightly sweet and celery is negative calories anyway

-bag o carrots

-...maybe bag of veggie medley?

-....jerky? That's high in sodium though... not to mention pricey...

-um.... yeah, that list was short xD

Get really restless at night sometimes? Like, you're tired, but your body is real fidgety?

Anyway, bulletin of updates time. Because I'm still a horrible blogger.



-still not responding to people's posts enough. Maybe I'm just selfish?

-Working on party planning.

-I LOST MY TABLET PEN! It's driving me nuts!

-Reading Hunger Games now. Good book :3 also reading the 4th book in the Game of Thrones series. Also good book :D

-sometimes I worry about my relationship, in a distant, way future thinking sort of way. You hear about couples that hate each other, but say they loved each other once, and it kind of scares me. I mean... what if that happens with this, y'know?


-Game of Thrones tv series on HBO... is AWESOME.

-commisioned a costume. Will offer more details later.

-working on my seahorse char some more, finally. Makes me feel good to be making progress

-playing Mass Effect, Fable III, and Trauma Team. I feal like a Fantasy Space Doctor Warrior King! xD

So, is there anyone here who would be interested in watching a livestream of me working on a fursuit/costume/art piece?