Because giving in to peer pressure makes people cool!
(* might contain additional motivation)

Leave a comment and I'll...
1. Tell you something I'll learn about you by looking at your FA page for 13 seconds.
2. Tell you which color you remind me of.
3. Tell you my first memory of you.
4. Tell you what pokemon you remind me of.
5. Ask you something I've always wondered about you, and your answer has to be as vague as possible to keep the suspense.
6. Tell you my favorite thing about you.
7. Give you a weird nickname.
8. Tell you what food I'd associate you with.
9. Challenge you to post this on your journal.

...why I keep writing wangsty journals that no one cares about (including me)

I should get a diary or something :I

Or a wall to scream at...

Therefore I overwrite it by asking you to go to google images and look up one of the following things:

-fluffy bunny
-cubs playing
-cute kitten

D'aww a bit and overall feel a bit better.

This is why we can't have nice things.

Sometime it's scarce on games on the schedule. The old same shit every day... THEN you find something new and fresh. Roleplaying in space, crimes, tons of possibilities, open round, betrayal, etc etc...

You read the wiki and get hyped, try to figure out where to find out more stuff about the game. Where else than the forum. Scooping through the place I already notice a healthy amount of weird freaks... but hey, I won't be the pot calling the kettle black... Just a bit more browsing, especially the ban appeals (because they're good lulz) reveiled this to me:

In order to clear up any misconceptions, furries are permaban on sight.
Any objections should be posted in this thread.

Nice. And here I thought I might have found the most awesome game of this year and then this. Goons. To be honest, I think this specific thread was just made as a bait to lure said furries for quicker bans. I could make countless random comparisons to other groups that have suffered the same fate, but those would not only be unnecessary drama but also hilariously retarded.

I might try the game some other time under a false name. It just looks too awesome for me to pass up. I just don't get it. What did I ever do? I keep intimate stuff to myself, I do not draw smut, I do not distribute smut, I feast on drama like any other poor soul on teh interwebs. I'm no griefer and a reasonable and polite player... and still should I ever be caught i'll be instantly banned for playing a little pretend to be someone/something else. Huh...


OWAIT! I FORGOTZ! DIS IS INTERWEBZ! OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!


edit:
It seems I just have successfully made myself look like an idiot on the internet. I'll keep the Journal up to remind me of that.

Yeh, well, so... I'm on nicotine withdrawal. Polls are open on how long I can take it.

I'm still unsure on what's the best way to do it. Right now i'm just on hard withdrawal. Might change tactics if it doesn't work out.

Can't wait to finish Pako's pic with jittery hands. :3


edit: Just had a look at it again... I hate it already. So much wrong with it. I think I'm better off doing something else with it...

edit edit: No! Cannot stop! Must finish! Maybe I can save it. Maybe I can alter it. must. not. abandon....

edit edit edit: I wish I had a cigarette...

It's fascinating how the personal view of oneself can change over years.

Around four years ago, maybe a bit more, I used to consider myself an artist. An artist, that loved drawing, scribbling, doodling, just killing time with a pencil and an ink pen, creating many unimportant scribblings... but yet sometimes a piece that made me say "Hey! I made this. I'm proud of it". Even drawings of other artists couldn't bring me down... looking at someone from reknown furries, magnificent artists and genuine dick delivery services alike, were of little importance considered to what I have created for myself.

Then... three years: nothing. Not a single drawing of considerable importance to me. I think it stopped in the middle of vocational school, where I still drew alot, but kinda got occupied with other things.

And now... I got a tablet, free imaging software and a delicious melange of the desire to become the artist I was (whilst surpassing my former skills) as well as demotivation and the constant loss of focus. In the places where drawing used to be, other things seem to take place. Given, I cared little about my education resulting in lots of drawings done in school... a majority actually (whilst still being able to finish my Abitur), probably explaining my time problem, since, as soon as I get home, my priorities shifted pretty much.

But also, other artists, of which I have discovered a whole lot over time, seem to have a greater impact on me than before. It presumably went from acknowledgement, over admiration, over idolization to frustration. It's true what they say. Higher goals look far away, considerably.

At some of the pictures I created in the past, I can't even take a look without a feeling of discomfort or even scorn. To me they look... dilletante. True, many people told me, that I have my own style and that they like it... but the thing about my style is, that I have to like it.

Witnessing a live feed of reknown Spelunker Sal drawing a commission didn't help much either. Other people seem to do their work with such ease. Just watching him swinging those lines as if it was in his blood made my stomach turn. Sure, he had lots of experience and attended classes...

I tried to do it again, just a few days ago. The result of this try is, properly located, in the scrap folder. It's the same as always. I start with enough motivation to make a rebel faction turn over a government and end up sitting in front of the picture dissecting everything I don't like about it. And there's a lot.

I managed to break my problems with art and me down to a few factors, that are absolutely clear to me:

1a. Patience
You can't rush art. It's a fact. But whenever I work on something, I feel like I have to finish it asap. Not a good thing to do. Even just for this simple portrait I should have taken the time to work a few reference sheets for the character, the head, the armor, the weapon... but no! stick posing sketch, raw form, there we go. It looks... improper.

2. Priorities
Someone once told me, that you don't learn how to draw from books. Well, not entirely. Expertise comes from practice, trial and error... if at first you don't succeed, try, try, try... But that seems to be another problem. I simply can't assign proper days for training, because some other things are always more important.

3. "I am great!"
I know it sounds like first class steaming bullshit when you say it like that, but this is the mentality one should have. You are great. It doesn't matter that you are surrounded by artists whose fans would probably give their left testicles for commissions to... as long as you like what you do, this does not matter.

I know these things... and knowing is half the battle. Unfortunately, half-battles won't win wars. If I ever get a grip on these problems, maybe things will get better for me in the artistic department. I shall continue working on it and filling my scraps with attempts until I eventually dish out something redeemable.


You have found this irrelevant
-FTP

That's right! I'm goin to war!

Scotland vs America!

Today on www.teamfortress2.com Valve announced the War Update! Soldier vs. Demoman! Both classes get their deserved three unlock weapons... But only one class will get a fourth mystery unlock! How? KILL MORE OF THE OTHER CLASSES!

It won't be an easy fight. The Soldier has an advantage of not only power but also popularity. It's goin' to be a rough road to go down, but I will make sure to kill as many bloody soldiers as possible!

FREEEEEDOOOOOOOM!



(Ps. Would be nice, if you do so as well! >:3 )

Ain't shipping parcels a b***h...

In the company I work in DHL (Parcel Service) never had a really good reputation. But this time, they took the cake!

In anticipation of getting Borderlands I spent little time researching and calculating and flat out ordered this sucker! But, of course not in Germany! Damn censorship! Luckily there are shops in Austria with some good rep for shipping games to Germany. Mark Twain said, that censorship is like telling a man, that he can't have a steak, because a baby couldn't chew it... and i'm NOT going to nibble on baby food!

So, I anticipate the delivery of my game... As time goes by the shipping date got delayed once, but that's not too much of a problem. After all... shipping on friday, delivery on saturyday is a perfectly fitting time. This way i'd have the whole sunday for some alien (and mad max badlands crazy f***er) shooting. And time went by... and went by... and went by.... and went bWHERE the HELL is my game?

Soon after 4pm i looked up the tracking page for my package again. Maybe it was del...what the f**k? ..."RECIPIENT UNKNOWN"??? I grab a phone and a coffee cup to investigate this f**kup! Apparently the wrong house number was listed in the recipient address...

OUCH! Bad Tiger! I can't believe I forgot the "a" at the end of my house number... But what the hell! It's not like the people don't know those numbers! the 10 is exactly beside 10a... and both houses are perfectly visible AND accessible. In fact, our neighbor accepted multiple packages for me, when I was not home.

But now, all of a sudden I don't exist, because I accidentally wrote the wrong number on the address... Evil, Evil curses! Well, maybe I can turn things around in my favor again! TO THE PHONE!

As it seems, the parcel went back to the delivery center to be shipped back to austria. Wonderful, just wonderful! There goes my weekend of gun-collecting! But wait! Maybe there is hope! So I negotiate about a second shipping to my address (this time, the correct one). At the same time I write an e-mail to the shop I ordered the game to correct my address (since it's not possible from the profile panel. How... advanced)

OWAIT! Brilliant idea! Since the parcel is being sent back to the delivery central, I might just take a drive there! It's not that far away and if I can authenticate myself with an ID and the delivery number, they could just hand it out to me! TO THE PHONE! ....But nooooooo! That is NOT possible. But of course... because if Trans-o-Flex can do it, that automatically means, that DHL can NOT!

Chances to receive my game on sunday are faily slim, so I spend my day going down to the underworld in Guild Wars with my mate and an assorted setup of brave guildsmen (that miraculously all showed up), which ended in the middle because one had to leave prematurely... The Champions Online free weekend kept me entertained for the rest of the day (Man... it really IS like CoH... just better...)

Well, now it is monday, and I STILL anticipate the delivery of my game. So, since I am curious (and impatient by nature) I make another call from work to inquire about the delivery status... and... apparently "the parcel is being shipped back to the sender". ....WOO!

At the same time I received an e-mail from the shop. My Address has been corrected and they ask me to pay a second load of shipping cost for a second shipping. What else to do? I pay the shipping cost and lay back... So, the game will arrive this week... Hopefully, this time for real!

The painful thing is... I could have gotten this game in a matter of seconds, if I just ordered it on steam... But I wanted the uncensored version. Everyone who played Half-Life 1 german cut version will understand why censorship is a real pain!

So, nothing more to do than lay back and wait. Ah well... It's not like i'm going to die tomorrow...


...
I F***ING HATE CENSORSHIP!

I am baffled.

For eight months now I am proud to be in possession of a wide screen tablet (Trust TB-7300). I quickly got used to it and enjoyed myself at the ease of digital art. And all was well... until I added a second screen to my rig. Now, that I got a stretched desktop the range of my tablet spans -both- monitors... of course the aspect ratio now is completely screwed. Pen to top left -> cursor to top left of the left screen, pen to the bottom right -> cursor to bottom right of the right screen!

ಠ_ಠ

I really don't enjoy deactivating my dual screen setup just to draw... I tried to find a hotline phone number on the trust.com homepage, with little luck, so I contacted the helpdesk of trust via mail, first in english, to tell them my issue with the tablet and to ask how to solve it. The result was an answer containing a picture of a window in the driver as well as two lines of text, kindly wrapped in your general corporate courtesy bla bla! Problem: I cannot access the window displayed in the picture. I don't even have a f***ing idea where it is!

ಠ_ಠ

Joke's on me if I give up here, so I just give it another shot. This time in german. I explicitly detail any part of the problem I can imagine and send it to the helpdesk. The next day I receive an email asking "Thanks for your e-mail is this dual screen or two separate screen?"

ಠ_ಠ

Even though my deep desire to grab the tablet, go to the HQ and beat the sh*t out of the 1st level support with it until they come up with an idea... or a proper response, is ridiculously high I give them another chance. I reply to the mail and explain, that it is a dual screen setup with two screens on two DVI ports... The next day, not really expecting much, i received an e-mail asking "Is your mouse working on both screens? is your pen working? is your pen working in windows?"

ಠ_ಠ

I was already close to sending them that picard facepalm picture i love, when I finally resigned... But then my coworker handed me the phone number of the company.
At first i was like ಠ_ಠ but then I :D
I called the hotline and briefly explained my problem, trying to hold back the rage I still had inside from the godawful first level support, and within a MINUTE I received the answer I was kinda expecting all the time:

"I am sorry, that is not possible"

My journey was over. I have gained nothing, but the assurance, that everytime I want to draw, I have to deactivate my dual head setup. But, maybe, that already is something...



.......

ಠ_ಠ

I scrapped my drawing. For mainly two reasons.

1. It does not look like me. First I noticed some minor mistakes (mirroring while drawing = BAD), then some mayor mistakes (my eyes look totally different). At the end I wasn't a bit satisfied with the result! It was some deformed, cartoony cariature of me, but certainly not how i look like.

2. Malus for Style! I think i got so overexcited with finishing a picture and uploading it, that I overrushed things a bit. If there are three things I am bad at, it's discipline, motivation... and drawing!


So i decided to get it out of the gallery (making it empty again) and eventually start a new picture. This time I want to take all the time I want before release and upload and will not do so, before it is just like I want it to be!

Sometimes I feel kinda like an immovable object in certain ways. I just seem to go nowhere. Luckily it's just a paradox, now is it?

I haven't been drawing anything in the past weeks. I tried to pick up the pen, but after a few minutes it just wandered back into the socket. It's not like I am lacking ideas. Especially since the latest Team Fortress 2 Update (which wants me to cheer in delight whilst jumping out of a window) brought a few new ideas to my head... Yes, i even tried myself at erotic art... and I failed... FAILED... FAILED! No one shall ever see this demonic abomination i created...

Drawing is kind of a port... More like an Adapter... You take a source of information and convert it into another format. In theory that works nice, but it doesn't help me, that I can see the images i want to create clearly in my inner eye when i fail at putting them on the screen. I blame the lack of practice, but i just can't withstand the irresistible forces of urge. Urge to play my favorite games, urge to do something together with my mate and of course the urge to expect the results of my artistic efforts to suck anyway... even before I take that damn pen into my paw...

I think i just need to find a style, that suits me. Reaching for the stars is just imminent backache, when you are just six feet tall. I am thinking of adapting a less detailed style, relying on two/three-tone shading instead of full range. Also, I seriously need to learn to follow lines with my pen... Looks like there is a lot of work to do to get this immovable object to move.

Since it is a paradox, all i just have to do is to finally move.


Final thoughts:
-Zen, please give me a feedback on the prints.
-Freebie-newbs, GTFO my servers
-Valve, get me some unlocks!
-Why the hell didn't i cancel my City of X subscription when i stopped playing a year ago?


-FTP

If all roads lead to your desired location, you might expect getting there to be easy. Maybe, but how do you choose your desired path?

Alright, I did a picture. Nice. It didn't even turn out as bad a feared (albeit not as awesome as hoped). But i can't draw self portraits for the next few months... The problem is: what do I want to draw? Usually that's not too much of a problem. Whatever comes to my mind, lands on the paper. At least that was how I did things, when I was still in school.

Of course, the question, that always is there like one of those annoying guys that follow you around and try to force their points by talking nineteen to the dozen until you ears bleed. Erotic Art? PORN? I tried that once or twice many years ago and it was horrible. THANK GOD I had no ways of uploading that onto the net. But days are different, my skill has improved and secks does teh sell... But even though it might be a satisfying thought, as an artist, that many people juggle their jibblies to my drawings, I am really not certain if THAT is the way I want to go.

Oh god, no. By no means I intend to talk bad about artists, who DO draw erotic art. Oh no no! Those people who can and feel good about what they do should do as they wish. I'm totally with that.


The other possibility would be to rely on the various ideas for stories and game/mod ideas, that have comic-potential. But I do know, that comics are big, time-consuming projects. I'd have to work fiercely if I don't want it to end like Scott Ramsoomair (Who has invented the year with only 20 Mondays! XD naah, j/k. I love VGcats) If I start something like that, I have to pull myself together to the end!


And then, of course, there is always the option to do whatever I please and put it here. Might be the simplest plan, but it's also kind of directionless...


God, this crisis! I want a hug! And a candy bar... just a little one. o_o

I almost have forgotten how absorbing it can be to work on a picture. I started last friday and worked on for several hours deep into the night. The best thing is: I'm not done yet. At this point i expect impatience to be my biggest problem when it comes to drawing. When I start, it's just relaxed, but at some point I just want the results quicker and quicker, leading to moderately satisfying pieces of art. But not this time, oh no.

I try to use all the basic techniques I have acquired in the past. Pre-sketching, layering, shading and since I use the tablet i bought myself before christmas i can correct and undo to all my heart's content. I would never have expected to experience that kind of sensation again, at least after that very long period of not drawing. It's not a Rembrandt in the making though, just a drawing of my fursona on white background, but I try to take more time for it and put more detail into it than I ever did. Thinking, that most artists spend several days, maybe even weeks, on a picture I think nailing down a picture in a day was teh wrong.

Now let's just see how it turns out. Maybe it's a new beginning.


Oh yeah, and let's take a big, shiny knife and cut the cr*p out of the Bio! I am not a mediocre artist. Maybe mediocre when comparing myself to every artist in the fandom (which is just stupid). I like, what I and that is important!

I claim this area in the name of my fluffy persona for, to this point, no apparent reason.

It's quite a big step from "Registering to view adult art" to "Actually considering to upload Stuff", but here goes. To this point nobody ever has accidentally stumbled upon this page and, I am pretty sure, no one ever will, even if I start uploading Artworks. It might just come in handy when i want to show something to someone, since I think, that i might have accidentally forgotten my VCL account information.

Now the only thing I actually have to do is draw something upload-worthy...