Since I'm in Purdue's Aviation department, I get to learn to fly airplanes tomorrow! I will begin flying tomorrow at around 7:30 and I'm looking forward to it. If all goes well, I will be a certified pilot in a few months.

I started classes yesterday and so far this semester is looking to be even more fun than the last. In one of my classes, the professor is going to be giving us model planes to fly for fun. Sure it's a trainer plane, but I think this professor seems to understand me much better than some of the ones I had last semester.

Anybody who has been to Indiana probably knows how unpredictable the weather here can be. Just a few days ago, the weather was about 40-50 and I was able to go outside with jeans and a T shirt. Within about 3 days, it changed to high wind and a -8 windchill with about 3 inches of snow appearing overnight. It was fun riding my longboard through for the first 5 minutes but now it's near impossible.

I know I haven't been around much lately and am trying to change that. A couple days ago I cut down my submission notifications from 3,000 to 1800 through the afternoon, so if you notice me faving your submissions from a year ago, that's why.

I hope this trend continues because lately I've been getting tat feeling of being unstoppable more tan I ever have in my life. Maybe that's what college is about, or maybe I'm just going through a phase.


On a side note, the number of journal notifications I have now equals the year. I think nuke is my best friend right now in that situation.

It's been a good 6 months since I've posted anything on FA but I'm still here but lurking. I currently have 3000 submissions and 1700 journals to go through because of my absence. After graduating high school, I was able to get an internship at a startup company that makes precision ag sensors. I enjoyed my time working there and I never had a day where I didn't want to go. Now I'm in College at Purdue University and am doing well in my classes so far. I have good teachers, more than enough food, and the most freedom I've ever had in my life. Since my major, Unmanned Aerial Systems or UAS for short, is new this year, I and 4 other students are considering forming a small startup that would fly drones and provide consultation for other companies in the area. I also got to meet other furs for the first time and have actually become pretty involved with them. I'm glad I met them because it put away some of the fears that my parents raised about the fandom. So far I have made many acquaintances but the Purdue Furs group seems to be the only one that I feel I can be completely open about my thoughts with. Not surprising, I haven't felt homesick for the past three months of nearly uninterrupted time at Purdue. I just have too many things I need and want to do and can't. I'm in a leadership position of two different clubs and don't have as much time as I'm used to, yet I seem to be flying so much more than I did at home. Another thing I'm still getting used to is the increase in emails. At home I was used to getting 10 emails a week and now I'm all of a sudden getting around 20 a day. I wish I could get by with never looking at it again, but I can't.

Overall, I'm doing well but really need to make closer friends. Its like I'm an introvert living the life of an extrovert.

Oh and by the way, the clunksuit still exists but it's hiding in a bag in my room. I hope my parents don't find it anytime soon.

this just happened and I'm proud of myself for it. I was at a friends house when she got a go cart out, so we all took turns riding in it and having small "corn wars" where we pulled the dead corn stalks out of the ground and javelin launched them at each other. When I walked around to the back of the barn I found the Christmas tree they had used that winter, so I grabbed it in one hand, sat in the go cart, then used it to joust through their attacks. When we all went inside, her mom said "I think I just saw the Christmas tree fly by my window." This was definitely a good day for me.

The signup for my senior prom was today and I don't have a date, so I just didn't sign up. I already feel regretful about it since all of my close friends (literally all of them) are going with their dates, yet I won't be going at all. I want to go and all but I don't have anybody to go with, so I would have to be the awkward third wheel to everybody else. Along with that, my parents said that if I went I would have to pay for my own ticket, something that violates my whole idea of saving my money until college where I will need it most. I feel like I've been trapped into a corner, keeping me from experiencing one of the biggest things of being a senior and I can't do anything about it. I wish it wasn't so difficult for me to make these decisions, but I've already missed the signup. I feel terrible about this now and hope that I won't miss too much.

Last night, the family dog was laying in the living room she she decided to get up. She scared everybody in the house when she started crying really loudly and pacing around the room. She normally is a very calm dog who never makes any noise unless she is left outside for a long time. We took her into the vet yesterday and and had an x-ray done on her back legs. They said that she has severe arthritis in one of her back knees and prescribed a strong pain killer and some special supplements to hopefully heal or mitigate the issue, but she still has these random episodes when she tries to get up. I'm just hoping she is able to get through it, but I'm not sure if she will or if she might need to be put down. She is pretty old, but she has also been with us for almost 14 years and I can't even begin to think of all the memories I have of her during my childhood. I guess you could say that she is the last thing that I have from my younger camping days where I would run through sandy trails cut in dense forests, exploring the world with friends as the sun shone down on our backs. Now, all of those friends have moved away and we sold the camper years ago, leaving me with little more than a few flashlights and memories. God, when did I grow up? I feel like I was four years old only yesterday. Most of my elementary school years are lost to the stratera I was on to turn me into a mindless husk that only knew how to do homework. I guess it's a good thing that I had that head start on my education, but it just seems like I was robbed of my childhood in the process. Now, the only thing I have left from that time I want so desperately to revisit is an old black lab who has arthritis. I hope I don't loose her soon.

...an onion. It matches her personality quite well. I also got my dad a wrench and wrapped it in packing tape and 5 layers of paper. I know, it's a little late for me to post this but I've been overloaded with scholarship applications and too many other things that needed my attention. Tomorrow will be my first day off in a long time and I plan to use it to fly and crash my RC planes for 8 hours straight. There's too many things I've wanted to try, such as remaidening that yellow Yak-54 that tried to kill me. I hope the flight will go well because it's a delicate type, meaning that it will either be a really good flight or it will be an absolute loss. I'll be sure to post how it goes after I get back from the event.

This weekend I feel like I've truly found God. I have called myself a christian for some time and defended the religion but my faith wasn't well rooted. I defended it in the same way a lobbyist might defend a company, just going through the motions but not actually believing in what they say. This weekend I went to the Indiana District Youth Gathering and actually felt God for the first time in my life. We were given a chance to pray and I started with the usual "God, please forgive me of my sins and help..." when I decided to try speaking to him like a person instead of a king. I don't know how to explain what happened next but it all ended with me choking back tears and having a sensation of which I still don't know how to describe. Maybe unburdened? Before this I was afraid of death because I knew that my faith was weak, but now that I know where I'm going I'm no longer afraid. I also realize now that he has been with me the whole time, whether I accredited my feelings to him or not. The feeling I had when we were asked to come to the front of the room for another song was the same feeling I felt when I left Scout camp for the last time, stood on the football field for my final band performance, and the day my youth was officially declared over. The only difference is that He isn't going to disappear like those other memories of mine. I can still feel Him now and will do anything to keep him with me. He is no longer irrelevant to my life. Tonight I celebrate; I have accomplished the thing I've wanted to do for 18 years.

I had my 18th birthday this week. I don't feel any different but now I can't do as many things as I used to. I'm not sure what I feel but one of the words that comes to my mind is afraid. I've never been told how to pay taxes, write a check, get a loan, and lots of other things that I will encounter in the future. I'm also becoming more paranoid about the possibility of lawsuits and other legal actions, even though I'm not doing anything wrong. I hope this isn't the way the rest of my life will be spent. It's been less than a week and I already miss my youth.

They pulled the plug at noon today. The whole family is undecided on what will happen. The oldest daughter is in college so she will be able to stay there but the rest of the family is likely to split apart. The middle child is in high school but an adult and has a boy friend two states away. She also has horses at her moms house which will make her have to decide to go with her biological father, stay where she is and take care of the horses, or mo din with her boyfriend. The youngest one is in junior high and she will also have to decide wether to stay or go with her biological father and switch schools. The husband had moved into their house recently and sold his old home so he may be stuck with the house and thoughts of her. Nobody knows what will happen with the horses but I have the feeling that they are going to be sold soon since the mom and middle child were the only ones who knew how to take care of them. I see no good outcome from this situation and it may tear the family apart. One of the more disturbing facts is that the husband arrived on the scene before the EMS could get her on the stretcher. It's hard to believe that only 37 hours ago she was breathing and the family was perfectly happy. Before she left, she gave her youngest daughter a 20 that will never be spent and her middle daughter a hug that will never be forgotten.

A family friend got in a wreck this morning. She was headed to work when another car rear ended her. The impact was strong enough that it sheared the bolts holding down the drivers seat. She was lifelined and isn't showing any brain activity. The doctors are estimating that her three daughters will be without a mom in the next 24 hours. This is going to be very rough for her family because two years ago her husband divorced her for a woman known for wreaking marriages for their money and their grandpa passed away last year. I have known them for as long as I can remember and hope they can pull through this. Just a few months ago she got married to another man and I'm assuming that he will probably get custody of the kids.

Just got finished with 11.5 hours worth of homework. It's 3:12 AM and I'm so tired that I don't even remember typing FA into the browser. I have been keeping the hard work ethic lately but at what cost? I can't seem to stay awake in the evenings once my meds wear off unless I fill my face full of sugar and play some pretty fast paced music. On the other hand I finally finished my application to Purdue over the weekend and am pending approval by the admissions offices.

I don't know how much more of this I can handle. I'm going through a very rough time in life right now and school is just making me feel helpless. For the first time ever I am considering dropping my AP calculus class just to save my GPA, stress, and NHS membership. On Friday, one of my few good friends was in a very bad car wreck caused by hydroplaning into a fence. The barbed wire on the top of the fence made it through the canvas roof and would have cut his head off if he wasn't looking up at it. He hit a fence post which slammed his head into the steering wheel, knocking him out. After that, the airbag went off and shot him back into the seat hard. Now he's in the hospital, barely able to talk and unable to see through his swollen eyes without prying them open. He's improving but he was one of the few people I felt I could trust and now I can't really talk to him anymore. I just went to see him in the hospital today and he was just removed from the critical condition ward. I got home from this whole thing at 9:30 and now have several hours worth of calculus to finish and history that will keep me up very late at night. I literally haven't gotten to do anything fun for the past two weeks because of the calculus. Then I go to school only to have my calculus teacher saying I'm not trying hard enough. Add onto this all that my parents are threatening to take away my computer (literally the last chance I have in succeeding at this class) for the rest of the semester and you have a pretty close idea of how I'm feeling right now. I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now that I'm almost to the point of tears writing this. It's my last year of high school and I'm spending it contemplating whether or not I'm able to finish what I've worked so hard to reach for.

Today I maidened the zagnutz, the plane that can carry my gopro. The first flight was a success in every aspect other than the fact that I couldn't get my hand out of the way of the prop fast enough. It cut through my finger and I didn't notice how deep it was until I looked down at the transmitter and realized that the left gimbal was dripping in blood (literally.) I found another guy in the club and got a bandaid after landing to stop the bleeding but the cut already started to slow down a bit. After that I managed to get some more flights in on the plane and I have to say that it's easily one of my favorite planes now. The fact that it gave me a really nasty cut hasn't really made me want to hang it on the wall but I did learn a bit about a new way to launch it from the leading edge (front) of the wing so I don't have my hands anywhere near that spinning deathtrap. I flew it a good 400-600 feet up and caught some pretty neat photos and videos that probably will never make it to FA since they could be used to backtrack my location. Now I have to find a place to try night flying since my RC club can't fly after 9:00 by county rules.

Ugg I hate these medications I've been put on. I went to the dermatologist and he put me on a type of medicine that is supposed to make my face dry out and crack. I'm back from Costa Rica now and I enjoyed every part of the trip, from the 1km long zip line to seeing all four types of monkeys and both types of sloth. We met half the population of mosquitoes but they didn't seem hungry enough to bite me. I learnt many things, like the reason why you shouldn't name your pet raccoon bandit. It was a great trip and I even got the chance to do some cinematography while I was there. I'm thinking that the next time I go anywhere I will have to get a steadicam for the gopro because some of the shots came out pretty poor. I've also gotten a few new projects to work on, like rebuilding and reprogramming the quadcopter and residing the whole network at my dad's company. I have to add 3 new switches and put over 100 cat5 cables throughout the whole factory within the next year. College applications are open now, so I'm scrambling to get them and the scholarships filled out before school starts on Monday. I'm excited for the change to college but am also afraid of the adult life. I've been living the sheltered life for so long that I don't even know how to pay taxes. I have so much to learn in so little time.

I'm on the bus to go on a 12 day trip to Costa Rica. I'm going with my school's NHS and should arrive later this evening. I might not be here too often while I'm gone, so don't be surprised by me not answering any notes or comments.

I feel like life has been moving too fast lately. Homework has kept me sitting at the desk almost 24/7 and I'm starting to feel the lack of sleep catch up to me. I haven't had more than 5 hours of sleep for the last 2-3 months. I just had my Eagle Scout court of honor this weekend and that was fun but also full of emotions. In track I've taken on long jump and in doing so got one of the toughest coaches on the team. I almost always have to leave early from the track meets to go to scout meetings and he's starting to get pretty angry about it. I keep thinking back to when I was 4 years old, wishing I was the same naiive child, running around camp fires and playing ghost in the graveyard with friends or playing with pumps in the back hard while my sister had friends over. I often bring myself close to tears thinking about these memories, yearning for a chance to relive them. I want to slow down to play like I used to but I feel like I've already forgotten how. It's like I'm a slave to school and everything around me and I can't earn my freedom. When you earn the rank of Eagle Scout, they compare it to being on top of a mountain, looking out over the sunset and those who followed your path, but instead I feel like I've walked into the pit of a volcano, with life being an unbearable weight pulling me further in. I can give up and throw the weight into the pit, but doing so would make any possibility of a future disappear. I don't know where to turn and the lava keeps rising, beconing me to throw off my burdens and give up.

Holly cow I'm actually down to 332 messages! I never thought I would see the day!

I just got back from my week long vacation in Gulf Shores, AL yesterday. It was fun and all until my 5th day there. I was listening to my music on the way back to the condo when my sister complained that she could hear my music. The headphones I use have been notorious for letting a large amount of the sound outside of my ears, so I just decided to turn it down. At the time I was listening to some music by Fox amoore. My dad wanted to hear what I was listening to, so he made me give him my headphones and let him listen. As I have said previously, my dad hates furries and wants me to leave the fandom for good. I didn't want to give him any ideas, so I quickly changed songs while he was putting them on. After we got home, he asked for my phone so he could see what I listened to. As he was going through my music, he came across the folder that I keep my "furry music" in. The worst part to me was the death stares he was giving me while going through it. The worst one was when he came across one that had an album cover to it showing a furry character watching the sunrise. He forced the phone towards me while it was playing and gave me another death stare. After that he walked out of the condo and stood at the railing, still going through my songs. I decided I should try to talk to him about it. He kept saying that if I was no longer part of the fandom I should delete the music. I countered by saying many of his favorite artists were into much worse habits and activities. This only made him even more angry. Later that day my parents asked my sister to leave the room and go play on the beach. At that moment, I knew I was in for something less than pleasant. They both started getting worked up over it and I kept trying to tell them that it was music I downloaded before I left the fandom and that they can't control what I like and dislike. About a half hour later my dad had to walk out of the room again to keep his temper. The outcome of this battle is that I get to keep my music but I have to start looking for more non-furry music to replace it. My dad also apparently was on the verge of tears that night because he thought he somehow failed me as a father.

I wish I knew another fur IRL who could help explain the fandom to them. I feel like if I did, I wouldn't be posting this journal or have any issues with my parents right now.

Lately I have been pretty busy with school. I just started track practice this week and I'm starting to realize how out of shape I was. On the first practice I pushed myself too hard during the warm up and nearly passed out after the first few sprints. I don't plan on doing the running part of track but I think I'll throw discuss again this year. Now I best be off. My precalculus teacher is starting to give me looks when I get on my phone.

Oh and while I'm thinking about it, the plane I posted here has a broken prop. It's a new setup with a variable pitch prop which can make it fly backwards or hover nose down. The motor is always on full or completely off and is controlled by a switch on my transmitter. When I was working on it I set the transmitter down and the switch bumped against something, starting the motor and setting it rolling at full speed, right into my hand. I got some pretty deep cuts which bled pretty bad and broke a $16 prop which is hard to find.

If you haven't noticed my activity nearly a month after I left, I have been staying in the fandom without my parents' knowledge. I think I'm just going to retreat to the forest again and become a true "closet fur" until I move out. I will not be able to do anything with the fandom in real life, but I'll stay active here. Who knows, maybe I'll find another fur around where I live and maybe I could use that as a way to reintroduce the fandom to my parents, but I'm skeptical that I ever will. To be honest, I almost don't want to have my parents knowing about it. I saw the way they were interacting with me when I told them and I don't want to deal with that kind of awkwardness. It almost seemed like I walked up to them and said I like porn and have played with myself in every room of the house and raped the family dog. Right now they think that I completely left all together and that I permanently locked my account and had it deleted, so I'm just going to keep quiet about it again.

Today I had a talk with my dad. What was said is not important, but I am no longer going to be as active on FA. I hate having to post this journal, but I always had a feeling I would have to. I am glad I found the good side of the fandom early. It has helped me cope with a start of depression and anxiety, made me happy, and helped me learn to be myself a little more often. I don't know if I will ever be able to return to the fandom, but if you want to keep in contact with me or see what I build, feel free to note me. Maybe I will come back after I am in college or living on my own, but until then I will be making myself scarce. Now I have to sit and watch as my fur slowly falls around me and I turn into a normal, boring human again.

Ask me anything! Please, keep it clean.

Today I just had my board of review for the rank of Eagle Scout. I also passed, meaning I'm now an Eagle Scout. I'm glad that I finally earned it since I've been working towards it since elementary school. This year has been good to me so far. My parents finally know about me, I got a week out of school due to snow, and I earned the highest rank of Scouting. I hope my year stays this way since I have a history of becoming so much of a downer that my parents don't want to be around me all the time. Now I find myself actually smiling naturally for the first time since my diagnosis with autism and put on medications that "turned off" my conscious state of mind and emotions. (I can't remember a lot of my childhood because of the meds.) In other news, I'm still grounded from my computer until tomorrow afternoon.

I finally told my parents I'm a furry. They seemed a little concerned that I kept it from them for so long and about the adult section of the fandom. I wasn't expecting to have to say it tonight either. My dad saw my skype account and read through my messages. My heart has been beating hard since about 8 like I was running. I thought I would feel better about this, but now I don't even know what I'm feeling. I told them that I wanted to go to a con but not about the fursuit stuff. My sister still doesn't know and I hope to keep it that way. There's too much risk in telling her about it since she's popular in school. I will have to hold off on the Clunksuit project for a while (maybe holloween or after my first con). I am being closely watched and I think they would only get angry if I showed them that I had been building this project for over a month and kept it secret. I'm not sure what to do next. And by the way, I can't use my computer until Sunday because they told me to take a break from the fandom.

So the Clunksuit has had very little progress over the past few weeks, but I have been thinking about it a lot. As I was coming up with ideas, this thought crossed my mind: how do I make a metal tail? It seems that the head will be the easy part when compared to the tail because of its structure. A tail is long and has to have structure to it. Since mine would be copper, it would gain weight quickly and might become uncomfortable to wear after a while. I also would have to make a special back harness for it that would strap around my waist and chest to support the weight. Maybe I should make a couple of joints at the base of it and hang it by a short spring to keep it out of my legs. This project seems to be getting more and more complex each day. Does anybody have any ideas or suggestions? I also need to find a way to monitor my jaw movement using a potentiometer or variable resistor. My jaw might actually need two hinge points to work. In other news, I got a gopro hero 3+ black edition and a jar of sand for Christmas. I'm going to fly in the morning as well. Maybe I could get a video of that and post it to youtube.