Well cracked is a strong word but I decided to finally make one.

https://bsky.app/profile/titantezwa.bsky.social

Don’t know how active I’ll use it, I’m never good with this social media kind of stuff but I did want a second outlet for media and such.

So…there ya go.

I’m genuinely asking here. This might just be due to my emotions continuing to go completely haywire from this month but I’ve been thinking about trying a crack at social media again; but for obvious reasons I’m very skeptic about it.

I used to be on Twitter some years back and it was okay for a while…but over time the feeling of belonging there gradually diminished until I just didn’t have a reason to be there anymore: toxic opinions, feeling ignored, not being popular…it just made me all ditch it in the end as a means of trying to feel healthy again.

But of course I’m dumb and wondering if a second attempt would go any better. Twitter at this point is just a nuclear wasteland of toxicity, opinions that if you dont agree with you’re wrong, and overall just…a complete mess to be in. I fear BlueSky will end up going that direction and quickly, but I don’t know how things are handled there. I’d like an outlet for my thoughts again or just my random rambling about shit…which is why I’m thinking about it.

Do you out there who use BlueSky have opinions on it? Is it healthy, is it at least tolerable, or is it…well, BS as the initials stand for? I dunno how much I’d even use it if I did commit but I don’t see how it can go worse than Twitter in this current age.

Hey everybody. Been quite some time since I posted a journal here, huh. I apologize if this is out of the blue, but given some recent events I wanted to make a journal and let everyone know how I’ve been doing.

Being blunt to start, I’ve been a rather depressive mess for the last year or so. Life seems to keep compiling on more and more problems, both personal and real life scope. My daily routine has been almost the same nonstop for the last few years and it’s been a real struggle to be happy even slightly. On my birthday this year, I got into a car accident. Everyone was fine, but I totaled their car and that compounded into a ton of misery. For the next month I just kept wallowing; until parents told me “you need to get help.” So went to the doctor and got a blood draw, they said I was dangerously deprived of Vitamin D which affects mood. I’ve been stuffing my face full of supplements since then, in addition to being on mood meds. Have they been helpful? I think so but I can’t confirm for certain.

As for my presence here…I basically accepted two things. One, FA was a dying site, and while that’s still a bit true with any kind of significant overhauls…it’s still a lot more stable than a lot of other shading sites. Like X-itter and its consistency of doing something to blow up. Two, my presence on here was useless and amounted to nothing. I have no artistic talent, very poor social skills and a low income to support getting art in the fear I’ll need that money someday. All of these together have effectively caused me to go silent on here, thinking I meant nothing. I got an occasional piece sure, but they were just small things that didn’t feel significant.

Recently though you might have seen I’ve been putting up more works. I got a talking to that sometimes, we need to spoil ourselves to be happy, and not worry about the now that may come later. Or something, words are difficult. If I wanted to bring some joy to life instead of just dreading the inevitable end and knowing I can’t take anything with me, as such never getting anything…well, I had to do the exact opposite and learn to spoil myself. Learn that I am worth something in the world and I should treat myself as such instead of a talentless nobody that anyone could replace.

Granted, saying all this isn’t just going to flip the switch on finding value in myself. It’s something I’m slowly having to come to terms with, and learn to accept it over my long ingrained notions of how miserable the world is and how negative people are as a whole (self included). I still have a very struggling image of self-worth, and while I’m going to try…I don’t have a lot of faith in myself that I’m going to pull it out all the way. But as Ive been told multiple times…I need some happiness in my life or otherwise every day will be nothing but a wallowing swamp of misery.

And besides. The world could always use a giant beefy lion for comfort. I can’t promise my activity here will stay consistent…but I just wanted to throw all this out here.

That’s all. Thank you, hope you’re all doing okay.

Good morning all, hoping everyone is doing alright out there, staying safe and etc. Slapping a journal up here just cause I can, and obvious reason too.

Birthday Today
Yeah today’s the birthday for big cat, life continues on to the 3-pair (33) and still feeling it…but as said from last journal I’m a lot more hopeful about this birthday and the future.
Won’t be doing a whole lot today, I have taken the week off from work which was needed after all the Easter stress so I’ve been taking it chill.

April Stuff
Other news that’s been going on…not a whole lot. I’ve picked up playing Tokyo Afterschool Summoners and been really enjoying it…I’m honestly surprised that it doesn’t have a lot more here for it being five years old and full of attractive big fuzzy boys, but I could be looking around all the wrong places.
Still going through work and such, I’m really hoping I can figure out a better place to go sometime but for now just gotta stick it out. Could complain about the entire situation of working and nothing feeling worth it but…that’s something better left to the people that know all the details.

That’s all I can think of for now…take care everyone.

Hey there everyone. I wanted to put out a journal because…things happened and might be changing for the better. There’s been some rough patches too, but one thing at a time.

Macro March Stuff
Yup as we all know it’s that time of the year for all the big boys and girls. Unfortunately I haven’t really had any money to spare partaking in the events, and I ended up kinda…isolated in my interests so I didn’t get to really do anything by now but I do hope everyone else has had their fun and bigness in healthy doses.

Freedom Obtained
The main reason I was making this journal was to post this part of the story. About a week ago, I had a bit of a falling out with someone…but the thing was, this was a falling out that was a long time coming. The person in question was someone that I was giving up a lot for to try and make things work. It twisted my interests, took away a lot of my happiness and left me lying to myself everything was going to be alright…but it finally reached the breaking point and I could no longer say it’s fine. I went quiet for a couple days…and they came back broken, apologized about what happened, then said to leave. Maybe it was wrong of me to take advantage of that state but it was the chance to free myself.
The night that happened, I felt such an immense release of freedom…I no longer feel like I have to appease someone. I can focus on my own happiness, my own interests again and feel like I no longer have to be ashamed. The big cat felt a rush of relief…and really, I feel like I can be open with what I want to enjoy again. Maybe now in the future I can go more openly about the fun aspects of being big once again.

Last Two Days
The last two days involved waking up to news, for lack of better terms.
Yesterday was waking up to someone returning after years of absence…most of the fandom section already knows who I’m talking about but if you don’t know look here:
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10170071/

Today, well…the news was a lot less enjoyable. Waking up to see a game that I’ve been playing basically every day since it came out will be closing its doors soon:
https://twitter.com/GoNintendoTweet/status/1506155207280967680?s=20&t=npbMy5COiqP2q47SWcFJGw
To see the news was…very disheartening and makes me feel like years of work are going to waste. I really wish it didn’t have to end this way.


That’s about all I can think of for today. I’m going to try being less depressive going forward now with what happened, and who knows, maybe one day return to the overwhelmingly sized feline I want to be.
Take care everyone.

Hello there everyone who lays eyes on this. This is probably going to be a mess of a ramble...just bear with me if you can. I'll get all the formalities out of the way since it's been a little while.

December and Holidays
Merry Christmas to everyone, best wishes and hopes to all that everyone enjoyed it, got some nice things and overall was pleasant. I imagine for a lot of people, myself included, the hassle and craziness of people and work probably made it rough and rather upsetting, but it's best to just move on from those days and just look to what's coming when the weather gets nice again. Because dear God. I was immensely depressed all of December out of weather, work, life things and overall hanging clouds over my head that created an inescapable sense of misery. It's over now, just...I'm honestly not a fan of the holidays anymore. Christmas isn't something I really look forward to because I never know what I want or what to get. That's a personal side problem though so I'm not going to impose any negative wishes on others if they enjoy it. We're all grateful for it in one way or another.

Also Happy New Years to everyone as well now. 2021 continued to be a mess, unfortunately. We suffered a lot of losses, problems and the ongoing Covid that doesn't seem to have an end in sight. It's very admittedly depressing and a struggle to get through, but we're still all getting through it and it's something to be grateful for...being here at all compared to all the innocent lives and everything that has been lost during these times. It's rough...but it's life. May 2022 be more merciful on us and bring some good news.

Life & Mind Update
The life update part is the main reason I wanted to toss this journal up. I know I'm not active here. I don't have artistic talent and I don't have the money to afford art very often. But...this 'not active' stems into just being a quiet lurker on here, silently favoriting things and not leaving any thanks, comments, or any kind of...appreciation. Recently things have happened that brought something very important to light for me:
I forget the full extent of the conversation but I know the context was about a friend of mine wanting to show/watch that Rumble movie with me…said it would be cool because “big kaiju movie!” or something like that.
Aside from the fact I don’t watch TV or anything nowadays, my response was…really lacking. I think they questioned me about a couple things but the stick out point was when I just said this:

“I’m ashamed of what I like.”

They tried to coax me into not being ashamed but it didn’t work that well.
Since that, it’s been stirring on my mind…and recently I feel I came to a reasonable answer why that is. Over time, we’ve called our interests and such “trash” as a joke…but also over time for me, that joke “trash” shifted more from a joke…to an actual demeaning term. At this point when I use the term trash, well…I tend to genuinely mean it. When others use it I imagine they’re joking, but in my mind it still hurts. This may be due to my own depressive and rather cynical mindset as well.
That’s probably why I never ask for anything anymore…I’m too ashamed feeling. Asking others, I feel shamed. If they give it to me, I also feel shamed. And when I just…be alone with these interests, I end up feeling ashamed of myself.
The immense struggle atm at how to pass the “your interests are trashy and you should be ashamed” mindset…probably won’t happen without immense help or time that I don’t want to take from anyone.

I want to love it the way I used to but that just feels...long gone.
I want it back but...yeah.
It's very difficult nowadays to just...talk or think about it without feeling some kind of shame.

I've been talking and reaching out to others recently. One said that it's important I make the connection to the things I love...that these things are essentially a part of me. If it's who I am, I shouldn't feel the shame of it. This also extended to the people I'm with who don't visibly show any signs of being shamed themselves...so why should I in such scenarios? If anything, the people who I tend to be with will support my interest...and also in turn, denying this part of me shuts off a way for me to actually be happy; something to look away from the stress of life and escape to a world where giant muscled felines exist...be at peace and focus on nothing but the fun of it. But one of the most particular standouts was this, semi-cut down:

Those are the opinions of people you shouldn't give even the remotest of fucks about, you have friends that have the same interests or don't mind indulging them...people that actually matter to you.
But the fact that you do give fucks about these peoples opinions shows that you're an empathetic, wonderful person by nature; You care what those around you think even if you've barely met them...you care a lot in general.
I think what you should do is try to redirect that care towards people that care back, people that care about/love you as much as you care about/love them.
It's easy to get bogged down in the negatives, that's human nature - but where there's one tiny asshole with a hate-boner for big things, there's another tiny guy that will love being your friend no matter what you're into...among I'm sure many others.
I love spending time with you, I love talking to you, and I think you deserve to love yourself~ ❤️

Things like that really just make me want to stick out more. By that I mean...just try to be me more. Because really...yes, the shame of all this has been a huge weight on me that's caused so much depression, seclusion and misery in myself. I want to be more out there...seek others advice on all this. Try to, in short...find a way to reignite my spark and be happy again. Be that massive towering lion that I want to be.
It's definitely not easy. I don't even know how to properly track myself or just...know if I'm taking steps in the right direction. But I made a vow to myself that...this year, I want to no longer be ashamed of myself...and right now, I almost just want to cry. This is such a massive internal struggle. In order for me to try to be happy again...I'm having to fight months, if not years of self-abuse to my mind that everything I love is wrong. I really...really hope I'm not alone in this because I'm afraid too. It's not even like I want to really get more art, be more popular or anything like that. All it is...is I want to actually feel like Tez. I want to feel like the massive powerhouse of a feline that I would love to be...and not be ashamed of it. Because as I was told before...I'm Tez, and Tez is me.

Conclusion
I'm sorry for the ramble that this was. My heart told me to pour this out here because of how inactive I am on here...if anyone even reads all this because I know I'm not popular, I still wanted to let the few caring souls out there that read all this to know what's been going on with me. I felt a painful desire to reach out and let it be known...I want to be happy again. I've been at a struggle for years, and I'm desperately fighting back now to try and end it.
Because I don't want to go. I still want to be here. Granted currently...I don't feel I have a place here with how unknown I am and the extreme niche I 'fill' as a character being a gentle giant...but that's just me, and I won't back down from that mindset.

Thank you for reading this entire mess if you did.
I love you all as much as I reasonably can.

I'm doing it for someone who's a good artist. And deserves something nice.

Per the first part of his drive,  muscleartguy is doing a drive to try to help out his mom. "I'm doing it in order to support my mom who has been sick for a whole month and hasn't worked since then, which has led to depression episodes. All donations will help to support her during her time of need so please donate money if you want to. Spread the word at least!"

No one should have to suffer through being sick and depression, especially in these trying times. If you can help him, do so...if you can't, at least try to get the word around and help.

Thank you.

Hello, been quite some time huh...I completely skipped last year but this year I want to be better about it and actually be positive.
So yeah it's muh birthday and I'm 32 now, getting really old up there...I assume so anyways. Life goes on.

As for an actual life update...not much has changed. I continue to work at my job, doing my best to get through every day with what I can do. People still continue to love me, and despite my internal self struggling to understand why...I really appreciate all of it. Overall though I've been trying to think of a way to improve my own mood and in general just stop being such a sadsack, be something fun and positive instead which is a lot easier said than done.

I still want to try and be active here, but it's a large fight of just being a tiny voice in a sea of popularity and also not knowing what to do. It would still be nice to be a bit of a standout in the place despite how difficult that might be...but big lions just seem a rarity and I would change that if I had more availability to. That's a different note entirely but just something to bring up.

Just gonna be chilling here today, doing nothing like the lazy cat I am because yee. I hope everyone else has a good day as well.

This is the newer account of  PrinceKovu

It's me trying to start a more active face as a new character, someone that can actually represent me~ I've gotten a lot of positive feedback overall about Tezwa, and as such we're gonna try moving forward.

Be patient with me as I get all this working >.>

Thanks and have a good day~