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General | Posted 2 months agoHey. long time no see here on this account. You might even be forgiven for forgetting this account as I tend to just stay logged into my other one because it's more active what with Shine and housebroken and the revamping of CTN etc etc...all the kinkier..ish...comics that the found remake has been left in the dust a little.
The good news is that for the past 2-3 years I've been training to be a therapist and thats finally finally coming to an end so no more long days in central london learning about attachment theory or cycles of experience and stuff like that so suddenly I'm getting my life back a bit so I can start picking up the projects I had to let go of whilst studying and essays and adult stuff had to take priority.
The truth of the matter is that whilst I've mainly been over on my
babystar account really this account is more where my heart is and perhaps having to put the little version of me on the backburner because of all the new responsibilities I was taking on meant I think I had to put this part of me to one side just to get the work done. That wasnt particularly fair to little me but that's what I did and now I can feel like..her surging in me knowing that im finally getting space again and suddenly a lot of my creativivity is whooshing back too and that feels quite exciting. I've felt a bit like ive been on autopilot for months and months just kinda going through the motions grinding the wheel, struggling a little if i'm being perfectly honest due to lack of little stuff.
Despite 3 years of intense therapy training I still suck at finding that healthy balance between work and play....
Anyway this is a long winded way of saying more Found and more Gem content in general will be coming now that I have space to play
The good news is that for the past 2-3 years I've been training to be a therapist and thats finally finally coming to an end so no more long days in central london learning about attachment theory or cycles of experience and stuff like that so suddenly I'm getting my life back a bit so I can start picking up the projects I had to let go of whilst studying and essays and adult stuff had to take priority.
The truth of the matter is that whilst I've mainly been over on my
babystar account really this account is more where my heart is and perhaps having to put the little version of me on the backburner because of all the new responsibilities I was taking on meant I think I had to put this part of me to one side just to get the work done. That wasnt particularly fair to little me but that's what I did and now I can feel like..her surging in me knowing that im finally getting space again and suddenly a lot of my creativivity is whooshing back too and that feels quite exciting. I've felt a bit like ive been on autopilot for months and months just kinda going through the motions grinding the wheel, struggling a little if i'm being perfectly honest due to lack of little stuff.Despite 3 years of intense therapy training I still suck at finding that healthy balance between work and play....
Anyway this is a long winded way of saying more Found and more Gem content in general will be coming now that I have space to play
Building a safe base for my inner kid
General | Posted a year agoI don't write here very often, usually using the more populated account but i've been thinking a lot about me and my inner child and what I need to do with her.
It feels repulsive to say, like it really feels jarring and goes against what I've held in my heart for pretty much 40 years, but...
I'm going to have to learn to re-parent myself.
I've spent my whole life looking for a parent who will care about me unconditionally, who will give me exactly what I need exactly when I need it and for all these years i've been looking externally for that source and what I need to be doing is looking within. holding someone else to that magical standard of a perfect parent...It can just lead to more damage.
As a trainee therapist a large part of that training is about building what is known as a safe base for clients. People who had less than ideal parents when they were growing or an unsafe household had a shakey foundation on how to interact with the world, they didnt feel secure in their surroundings and so became anxious or despondent or chaotic in how they interact with their environment.
Its a therapists job to create a safe non judgemental holding space so that the client can feel they are safely contained enough to then begin trying new things or challenging their beliefs about themselves.
My inner child comes from a place of neglect I know this, of not getting the attention I needed from a mother who had post natal depression who couldnt tend to her own needs let alone the needs of an infant she didnt want. Those were the cards I drew when I was born and whilst thats not ideal, thats also not the end of me.
When I think about my inner parent, shes pretty cruel. dismissive, critical, impatient. But I can learn new ways of being a parent internally and apply that to my inner child. This is what i need to do
In therapy I was asked to find my inner child. I thought, heck thats easy. as a little my inner kid is right under the surface, she is so easy to tap into because im like always a 50/50 mix of big and little me, but during the therapy experiment, when i went looking for her I found her in a sliding door closet. I opened the door and she was on the floor colouring pictures with crayons she looked up and was happy to see me in a 'oh! youre here? you wanna play?" kinda way and the closet felt light and airy and it was plastered with pictures and shiny rocks and bits of stuff she had found and she had essentially turned the closet into a den, and I felt sad in that moment, because id realised id been neglecting her for so long that she had gotten used to me not being around and had turned to making her own entertainment and her own way in life without me. It felt intensely sad and I want to fix that.
I've basically ignored her in the way my mum ignored me and I learnt to just get by without her....without anyone, and if I can fix that inner dismissive parent in me, if I can REALLY let my little side properly feel loved by myself and merged with adult me then I can perhaps find new ways of interacting and building stronger relationships with folk.
But it starts with me having to make that pledge of learning to be a better parent for my own inner child as true healing can only really happen internally.
It feels repulsive to say, like it really feels jarring and goes against what I've held in my heart for pretty much 40 years, but...
I'm going to have to learn to re-parent myself.
I've spent my whole life looking for a parent who will care about me unconditionally, who will give me exactly what I need exactly when I need it and for all these years i've been looking externally for that source and what I need to be doing is looking within. holding someone else to that magical standard of a perfect parent...It can just lead to more damage.
As a trainee therapist a large part of that training is about building what is known as a safe base for clients. People who had less than ideal parents when they were growing or an unsafe household had a shakey foundation on how to interact with the world, they didnt feel secure in their surroundings and so became anxious or despondent or chaotic in how they interact with their environment.
Its a therapists job to create a safe non judgemental holding space so that the client can feel they are safely contained enough to then begin trying new things or challenging their beliefs about themselves.
My inner child comes from a place of neglect I know this, of not getting the attention I needed from a mother who had post natal depression who couldnt tend to her own needs let alone the needs of an infant she didnt want. Those were the cards I drew when I was born and whilst thats not ideal, thats also not the end of me.
When I think about my inner parent, shes pretty cruel. dismissive, critical, impatient. But I can learn new ways of being a parent internally and apply that to my inner child. This is what i need to do
In therapy I was asked to find my inner child. I thought, heck thats easy. as a little my inner kid is right under the surface, she is so easy to tap into because im like always a 50/50 mix of big and little me, but during the therapy experiment, when i went looking for her I found her in a sliding door closet. I opened the door and she was on the floor colouring pictures with crayons she looked up and was happy to see me in a 'oh! youre here? you wanna play?" kinda way and the closet felt light and airy and it was plastered with pictures and shiny rocks and bits of stuff she had found and she had essentially turned the closet into a den, and I felt sad in that moment, because id realised id been neglecting her for so long that she had gotten used to me not being around and had turned to making her own entertainment and her own way in life without me. It felt intensely sad and I want to fix that.
I've basically ignored her in the way my mum ignored me and I learnt to just get by without her....without anyone, and if I can fix that inner dismissive parent in me, if I can REALLY let my little side properly feel loved by myself and merged with adult me then I can perhaps find new ways of interacting and building stronger relationships with folk.
But it starts with me having to make that pledge of learning to be a better parent for my own inner child as true healing can only really happen internally.
Wow...
General | Posted a year agoI've really neglected this page.
I'm sorry. This year...Well...It hasn't been great. If you don't follow my account you wont know all the stuff that's gone down but basically since November life has been really wonky.
First a very good friend died, then Patreon killed my buisness, Then my Dad died, then my Mum had a psychotic breakdown (triggered by my dads death in March and she's been in the mental health hospital ever since) Then my husband lost his job, our car broke, We both caught norovirus. All through this I'm trying to study for a diploma to train to be a therapist doing various essays and assignments, and draw pictures/comics. I'm not gonna lie, It's been a lot and so I had to cut back on a bunch of stuff, Found was one of the first projects to be put on hold, Then Cottontail Nursey. I've been struggling to focus and had very little in the way of mental fortitude to tackle a lot of normal mundane things.
But ultimately this is all time relevant. The past week there has been a shift. Most of this stuff is in the past now, granted my mum is still ill and my husband is still job searching, but again these things will change as time passes, But I've found a strength to start picking up the projects that I had to drop by the wayside and I feel like I'm getting back in touch with myself....Well..Not gquite, more that, myself has changed the last 6 months and I'm becoming acquainted with this newer me, and the newer me wants to get back to work and start drawing more Gem and more cute stuff.
So sorry for the hiatus here, you'll be seeing more from me soon.
I'm sorry. This year...Well...It hasn't been great. If you don't follow my
account you wont know all the stuff that's gone down but basically since November life has been really wonky.First a very good friend died, then Patreon killed my buisness, Then my Dad died, then my Mum had a psychotic breakdown (triggered by my dads death in March and she's been in the mental health hospital ever since) Then my husband lost his job, our car broke, We both caught norovirus. All through this I'm trying to study for a diploma to train to be a therapist doing various essays and assignments, and draw pictures/comics. I'm not gonna lie, It's been a lot and so I had to cut back on a bunch of stuff, Found was one of the first projects to be put on hold, Then Cottontail Nursey. I've been struggling to focus and had very little in the way of mental fortitude to tackle a lot of normal mundane things.
But ultimately this is all time relevant. The past week there has been a shift. Most of this stuff is in the past now, granted my mum is still ill and my husband is still job searching, but again these things will change as time passes, But I've found a strength to start picking up the projects that I had to drop by the wayside and I feel like I'm getting back in touch with myself....Well..Not gquite, more that, myself has changed the last 6 months and I'm becoming acquainted with this newer me, and the newer me wants to get back to work and start drawing more Gem and more cute stuff.
So sorry for the hiatus here, you'll be seeing more from me soon.
Sending you hugs
General | Posted 2 years agoI just want to say something thats always been important to me.
I've been a little since I was about 4 years old. Way before the internet existed. For years all the way through my teens I thought I was the only one who wanted to be loved in that unconditional small child way. Felt wrong in myself for knowing my peers didnt have the same wants, had no one to talk to and generally hated myself for being wired differently in a lot of ways.
When i started writing my comics here. I wanted nothing more than to bring folk together, to help people feel less alone and to make people feel like it was okay to be themselves. I created content that I wished I could have had when I was learning and feeling lost. I also wanted to play. To tap into that little side and to have freedom to explore that part of me in a healthy safe way.
I've made a lot of friends here and I get notes every so often thanking me for my work. saying lovely things like I've helped someone feel better in themselves for having this quirk. Its a core part of me and I imagine its a core part of a lot of folk reading this journal. We didn't choose to have this need in us. And more importantly there's nothing wrong with that.
I truely feel that whilst some day's i can struggle with my little side, I'm largely so grateful i have this really precious part of me. She's amazing. and so pure and she just deserves all the love and she deserves to feel safe.
Sometimes life can shake that foundation in me. When something external is telling me I'm wrong for being who I am (like patreon or trolls or other things I can't mention right now) it often makes me sit back feeling like i've been punched in the gut and re-assess. Like. Are they right? Am I wrong? Am I broken? AM I a monster?
No. Sorry. Just No.
I've been round this circle so many times. You're not wrong for having a little side. Whether you have one due to childhood trauma or not, having a little side is something to feel protective over, there's this precious bean in you that has done nothing wrong. Keep them safe, give yourself love not hate, when others are trying to beat you down because they dont understand you. You're not the problem here.
Don't hate yourself because of other people. Don't let them get into your head and doubt yourself.
You're uniquely you. Theres only the one version of you on this planet and your reality is unique to you, don't let others mess that up with their hateful ignorance.
Just have hugs okay. I wish I could really hug you all
I've been a little since I was about 4 years old. Way before the internet existed. For years all the way through my teens I thought I was the only one who wanted to be loved in that unconditional small child way. Felt wrong in myself for knowing my peers didnt have the same wants, had no one to talk to and generally hated myself for being wired differently in a lot of ways.
When i started writing my comics here. I wanted nothing more than to bring folk together, to help people feel less alone and to make people feel like it was okay to be themselves. I created content that I wished I could have had when I was learning and feeling lost. I also wanted to play. To tap into that little side and to have freedom to explore that part of me in a healthy safe way.
I've made a lot of friends here and I get notes every so often thanking me for my work. saying lovely things like I've helped someone feel better in themselves for having this quirk. Its a core part of me and I imagine its a core part of a lot of folk reading this journal. We didn't choose to have this need in us. And more importantly there's nothing wrong with that.
I truely feel that whilst some day's i can struggle with my little side, I'm largely so grateful i have this really precious part of me. She's amazing. and so pure and she just deserves all the love and she deserves to feel safe.
Sometimes life can shake that foundation in me. When something external is telling me I'm wrong for being who I am (like patreon or trolls or other things I can't mention right now) it often makes me sit back feeling like i've been punched in the gut and re-assess. Like. Are they right? Am I wrong? Am I broken? AM I a monster?
No. Sorry. Just No.
I've been round this circle so many times. You're not wrong for having a little side. Whether you have one due to childhood trauma or not, having a little side is something to feel protective over, there's this precious bean in you that has done nothing wrong. Keep them safe, give yourself love not hate, when others are trying to beat you down because they dont understand you. You're not the problem here.
Don't hate yourself because of other people. Don't let them get into your head and doubt yourself.
You're uniquely you. Theres only the one version of you on this planet and your reality is unique to you, don't let others mess that up with their hateful ignorance.
Just have hugs okay. I wish I could really hug you all
It occurred to me
General | Posted 2 years agoLast week my FA account turned 13. So my account is now old enough to have an account.
Thats a lot of years to be here. The longest place ive been online and I don't intend on leaving any time soon so long as it's up to me I guess :)
I've learnt a lot from being here and Ive made a lot of friends here that I hope will be in my life forever. People haven't always been kind to me and I've had more than my fair share of drama but it all leads for a colourful history and a lot of life lessons to grow from.
Gem is still a huge part of me. She's essentially the very core of who I am, more so than Star is in fairness but Gem's been a lot on the back burner in recent months.
Some people have just assumed my comic Found Re-Take was cancelled, but I generally dont cancel comics, they might go on the back burner for a while but i return to stuff eventually, so unless you see a journal expressly stating ive cancelled something, then it's not cancelled.
I've been training to be a therapist and its a lot of work not just on training with clients and practicing skills but also a lot of inner personal work too and feeling exposed and vulnerable and in my naivety I assumed I could go to class and come back and just get on with working on art, but the problem with digging around in your head it's kinda like stirring up a pond, the mung at the bottom that you cant normally see gets pulled to the surface but it makes the whole pond murky and difficult to see through. And of course once you're aware of something that you may have forgotten, you cant just re-forget so then you kinda have to deal with the stuff you've dredged up. I've been coming back from classes utterly wiped out physically and mentally and I've still got 2 years of the course to go. Its rewarding and invigorating but yeah just saps a lot of my strength.
But I miss Gem a lot. I miss being here and interacting with folk and Whilst FA definitely feels a tad emptier I cant help but feel everyones kinda become fragmented across multiple sites. I dont have time for all the various new places everyones gone to. So yeah I'm still here. in this run down mess of a place. but I guess that kinda reflects my personality a bit. Very much wonky and barely fit for purpose, which is why it still weirdly feels like home here.
Thats a lot of years to be here. The longest place ive been online and I don't intend on leaving any time soon so long as it's up to me I guess :)
I've learnt a lot from being here and Ive made a lot of friends here that I hope will be in my life forever. People haven't always been kind to me and I've had more than my fair share of drama but it all leads for a colourful history and a lot of life lessons to grow from.
Gem is still a huge part of me. She's essentially the very core of who I am, more so than Star is in fairness but Gem's been a lot on the back burner in recent months.
Some people have just assumed my comic Found Re-Take was cancelled, but I generally dont cancel comics, they might go on the back burner for a while but i return to stuff eventually, so unless you see a journal expressly stating ive cancelled something, then it's not cancelled.
I've been training to be a therapist and its a lot of work not just on training with clients and practicing skills but also a lot of inner personal work too and feeling exposed and vulnerable and in my naivety I assumed I could go to class and come back and just get on with working on art, but the problem with digging around in your head it's kinda like stirring up a pond, the mung at the bottom that you cant normally see gets pulled to the surface but it makes the whole pond murky and difficult to see through. And of course once you're aware of something that you may have forgotten, you cant just re-forget so then you kinda have to deal with the stuff you've dredged up. I've been coming back from classes utterly wiped out physically and mentally and I've still got 2 years of the course to go. Its rewarding and invigorating but yeah just saps a lot of my strength.
But I miss Gem a lot. I miss being here and interacting with folk and Whilst FA definitely feels a tad emptier I cant help but feel everyones kinda become fragmented across multiple sites. I dont have time for all the various new places everyones gone to. So yeah I'm still here. in this run down mess of a place. but I guess that kinda reflects my personality a bit. Very much wonky and barely fit for purpose, which is why it still weirdly feels like home here.
Sorry sorry
General | Posted 3 years agoum...I havent drawn any more Found remake yet. Im sorry. it was only supposed to be a few weeks hiatus I blinked and like a million months have gone by.
Look, I'm currently training to be a therapist and if im being honest it's actually a lot more involved than I had anticipated or planned for. Couple that with a couple of huge projects that really need my time right now, and the fact I was sick for like...the majority of january, meant im a bit tangled up for time. I dont think ill be able to do any found until mid april at the earliest. But Its not abandonned and I do intend to get back to it, super pinky promise.
Gem is really important to me. She's my primary fursona, even if it may not seem like it right now, but in essence Gem is the core of who I am. Not Star. Gem's the reason I started here on this site and I can't express how much she means to me, so I feel guilty that it looks like i've abandonned this little chunk of my FA home for Stars page. That was never my intention Ive just...only currently got so many hours in teh day and all the paid for comics on my patreon just so happen to be babystar related comics rather than toddlergirl related ones. That will be fixed in due time just...not quite this moment.
I love you all and you can always get in touch with me by noting me over on
I do really wanna come back here and play more and get more in touch with little me here again please fankyoo just real life being a tad too grown up right now for that sort of space.
Look, I'm currently training to be a therapist and if im being honest it's actually a lot more involved than I had anticipated or planned for. Couple that with a couple of huge projects that really need my time right now, and the fact I was sick for like...the majority of january, meant im a bit tangled up for time. I dont think ill be able to do any found until mid april at the earliest. But Its not abandonned and I do intend to get back to it, super pinky promise.
Gem is really important to me. She's my primary fursona, even if it may not seem like it right now, but in essence Gem is the core of who I am. Not Star. Gem's the reason I started here on this site and I can't express how much she means to me, so I feel guilty that it looks like i've abandonned this little chunk of my FA home for Stars page. That was never my intention Ive just...only currently got so many hours in teh day and all the paid for comics on my patreon just so happen to be babystar related comics rather than toddlergirl related ones. That will be fixed in due time just...not quite this moment.
I love you all and you can always get in touch with me by noting me over on
I do really wanna come back here and play more and get more in touch with little me here again please fankyoo just real life being a tad too grown up right now for that sort of space.
Sorry no found today
General | Posted 3 years agoSorry theres no found today.
Upshot was, my 2 year old kitty had to be put to sleep on friday and that kinda also killed any kind of creativity I had in me for the weekend, so I mostly just moped and cried a lot and didnt get anything done was barely online in all honesty.
Its okay when pets die from old age, its sad but acceptable, but Todds death was completely outta the blue so has shaken me up quite a bit. I'll be fine but just didnt feel like drawing, and I can't draw today as Im off to go to my 2nd therapy session so im out all day...so rather than stress about trying to catch up on a missed Found page. Im just gonna draw a line under this weeks one and start fresh next week.
Sorry about that.
Upshot was, my 2 year old kitty had to be put to sleep on friday and that kinda also killed any kind of creativity I had in me for the weekend, so I mostly just moped and cried a lot and didnt get anything done was barely online in all honesty.
Its okay when pets die from old age, its sad but acceptable, but Todds death was completely outta the blue so has shaken me up quite a bit. I'll be fine but just didnt feel like drawing, and I can't draw today as Im off to go to my 2nd therapy session so im out all day...so rather than stress about trying to catch up on a missed Found page. Im just gonna draw a line under this weeks one and start fresh next week.
Sorry about that.
Going to confuzzled
General | Posted 3 years agoI'm pretty nervous. Which I keep trying to tell myself it's ridiculous, I mean last time I was at Confuzzled was 2019 and I was one of the frikkin Guest of Honors.
But truthfully COVID...lockdown....Really nurtured that recluse part of me and since restrictions have lifted I've kinda borderline just stayed in my little recluse world for the most part. So when I say I'm pretty nervous, truthfully I'm borderline terrified.
But I'm doing it anyway. I'm scared of a lot of things in life, Daily stuff can be a struggle sometimes if i'm feeling particularly weak, but the thing I'm scared of most is letting that fear in me dictate what I do. So whilst going is scary I'm still going to do it. People seem to think I'm pretty confident but honestly under that exterior I'm generally constantly freaking out hahah.
It'll be nice to see people. I have zero plans, No-one has invited me anywhere and I don't have a particular group of people to hang out with, just play it flexible I guess. It'll be nice to catch up with friends and make new ones.
I'm running the little scribbles panel on the Monday morning around 11am I think it is. (It's basically borderline a secret little furs panel because you can go there and draw with crayons with the wrong hand, it's good fun)
But hey if you're there and you wanna chat/meet up I'm absolutely up for that. but promise okay, that don't send me a note AFTER Confuzzled saying "Hey I saw you at a distance and I was too scared to say hi to you" I always get soo many messages after a con that go around that sort of wording and it makes me feel pretty sad because I don't like feeling like I could have made a potential new friend and that opportunity is gone. I get it. I understand that stuff can be scary, but I promise you I'm scared too so we can be scared together kay?
But truthfully COVID...lockdown....Really nurtured that recluse part of me and since restrictions have lifted I've kinda borderline just stayed in my little recluse world for the most part. So when I say I'm pretty nervous, truthfully I'm borderline terrified.
But I'm doing it anyway. I'm scared of a lot of things in life, Daily stuff can be a struggle sometimes if i'm feeling particularly weak, but the thing I'm scared of most is letting that fear in me dictate what I do. So whilst going is scary I'm still going to do it. People seem to think I'm pretty confident but honestly under that exterior I'm generally constantly freaking out hahah.
It'll be nice to see people. I have zero plans, No-one has invited me anywhere and I don't have a particular group of people to hang out with, just play it flexible I guess. It'll be nice to catch up with friends and make new ones.
I'm running the little scribbles panel on the Monday morning around 11am I think it is. (It's basically borderline a secret little furs panel because you can go there and draw with crayons with the wrong hand, it's good fun)
But hey if you're there and you wanna chat/meet up I'm absolutely up for that. but promise okay, that don't send me a note AFTER Confuzzled saying "Hey I saw you at a distance and I was too scared to say hi to you" I always get soo many messages after a con that go around that sort of wording and it makes me feel pretty sad because I don't like feeling like I could have made a potential new friend and that opportunity is gone. I get it. I understand that stuff can be scary, but I promise you I'm scared too so we can be scared together kay?
Do you want to be in my comics?
General | Posted 3 years agoJust a reminder to anyone who hasnt sent in a character submission If you want to be in Found I need you to fill in a small form and send it to me on THIS Account.
PLease title your submission either Found ADULT or Found CHILD. SO I can see easily in my note system when im looking for characters to put into the comic.
If I dont have this form then I can't put you in my comic as one day it'll hopefully be published and so I need your permission to draw you.
********
Name of character:
ref/pic/description:
What age is your character:
I also for publishing purposes need you to fill this small form in. So you need to fill in the bracket bits and note it back to me. Dont worry no information gets published anywhere its purly an admin task on the publishers side of things
*****
I (full legal name) give permission to Gem to have my character, (character name), printed in her work Found. Furthermore I understand that this is a commercial printing and I will not receive any payment for this use. I grant a limited license to my character for the purpose of printing, distribution, and sale of the work entitled Shine by Star.
Signed: ____(TYPE YOUR NAME HERE)____________
Dated: _________________
PLease title your submission either Found ADULT or Found CHILD. SO I can see easily in my note system when im looking for characters to put into the comic.
If I dont have this form then I can't put you in my comic as one day it'll hopefully be published and so I need your permission to draw you.
********
Name of character:
ref/pic/description:
What age is your character:
I also for publishing purposes need you to fill this small form in. So you need to fill in the bracket bits and note it back to me. Dont worry no information gets published anywhere its purly an admin task on the publishers side of things
*****
I (full legal name) give permission to Gem to have my character, (character name), printed in her work Found. Furthermore I understand that this is a commercial printing and I will not receive any payment for this use. I grant a limited license to my character for the purpose of printing, distribution, and sale of the work entitled Shine by Star.
Signed: ____(TYPE YOUR NAME HERE)____________
Dated: _________________
The twelve days of christmas giveaway
General | Posted 4 years agoUm over on my other account im running a 12 day giveaway where you can win all sorts of random stuff like diapers and art and gift cards and comic cameos and suchlike. So I know some people here dont follow my other account so just wanted to let everyone know about it.
So as today is officially the first day todays raffle is here
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/45036541/
In other news
I hope everyones Monday is going well...Theres some new people reading the old version of found and someone favourited a random page...so then i clicked to see which page it was and then just accidentally sunk like an hour re-reading a chunk of the comic and crying...LOL I am such an idiot. There really are certain pages im dreading having to re-draw.
So as today is officially the first day todays raffle is here
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/45036541/
In other news
I hope everyones Monday is going well...Theres some new people reading the old version of found and someone favourited a random page...so then i clicked to see which page it was and then just accidentally sunk like an hour re-reading a chunk of the comic and crying...LOL I am such an idiot. There really are certain pages im dreading having to re-draw.
Day one
General | Posted 4 years agoYou can start a new thing any day you want, you don't have to wait for the beginning of the week or month or year....Although today is a Monday randomly....well not really that randomly really, I mean it was Sunday yesterday so im expecting today to be Monday and I havent been surprised yet. But I'm starting today. Like right now. It doesnt matter that the day has already almost halfway through, I'm not going to wit till 2moro to start fresh.
Self worth. What is it? No seriously, I'm asking. It's something I've always been low on...like as if my self worth cup has always had a hole in it so every time i find a way of slightly topping that up it sorta just drains out of the bottom and im back to the scum at the bottom. Does anyone actually have self worth or are we all in various stages of pretending? Find different ways of hiding our weaknesses. Is it okay to not have any self worth if you're honest about it? Or is it better to hide behind the clothes and makeup you wear, the things you do, seeking praise from others and then using all the things you've gathered like armor and pretend you're a functionng member of society. Fake it till you make it, they say, but what if all you're ever doing is the faking bit. Does anyone actually ever get there?
I use other peoples opinions of me. I have such low opinions of myself that I need others around me to big me up, to support me...but...is that really sustainable, the charity work I do, the help i dish out, Its all ultimately selfish. Makes me feel like im productive, a contributor, someone worth knowing. But ultimately I'm hiding behind these things and when people are away and its quiet and I only have myself to listen to..I need my own worth, not the version other people give me.
Anyway today is Day one. I'm gonna try it. I'm gonna try topping up my own self worth rather than relying on others to try and fill my cup. I'm gonna try the things that people do that maybe helps them feel like they're worth something. Tidy the house more, be more presentable, tidier, wash more, be more organised, start exercising again, maybe if i feel better about doing the things ive been putting off, that'll give me a sense of accomplishment and i'll stop feeling so down on myself all the time. I try helping so many people I try living my life for other folk, maybe I need to start thinking about what it is Im supposed to be doing
Be kinder to myself. I get trolled a fair bit online but holy heck not as much as I troll myself. The inner me has nothing but kindness to share with other people, but when it comes to myself....Inner me is a bit of a bitch to myself. Like can I just shut that cow up for one moment, just one bit of encouragement. How do you stop listening to the inner you when it's always trying to drag you down?
So today is day one. And if I fail, then tomorrow will also be day one..and I'll go thru as many day ones as I need to start getting this self esteem project up and running and maybe start understanding myself more.
Self worth. What is it? No seriously, I'm asking. It's something I've always been low on...like as if my self worth cup has always had a hole in it so every time i find a way of slightly topping that up it sorta just drains out of the bottom and im back to the scum at the bottom. Does anyone actually have self worth or are we all in various stages of pretending? Find different ways of hiding our weaknesses. Is it okay to not have any self worth if you're honest about it? Or is it better to hide behind the clothes and makeup you wear, the things you do, seeking praise from others and then using all the things you've gathered like armor and pretend you're a functionng member of society. Fake it till you make it, they say, but what if all you're ever doing is the faking bit. Does anyone actually ever get there?
I use other peoples opinions of me. I have such low opinions of myself that I need others around me to big me up, to support me...but...is that really sustainable, the charity work I do, the help i dish out, Its all ultimately selfish. Makes me feel like im productive, a contributor, someone worth knowing. But ultimately I'm hiding behind these things and when people are away and its quiet and I only have myself to listen to..I need my own worth, not the version other people give me.
Anyway today is Day one. I'm gonna try it. I'm gonna try topping up my own self worth rather than relying on others to try and fill my cup. I'm gonna try the things that people do that maybe helps them feel like they're worth something. Tidy the house more, be more presentable, tidier, wash more, be more organised, start exercising again, maybe if i feel better about doing the things ive been putting off, that'll give me a sense of accomplishment and i'll stop feeling so down on myself all the time. I try helping so many people I try living my life for other folk, maybe I need to start thinking about what it is Im supposed to be doing
Be kinder to myself. I get trolled a fair bit online but holy heck not as much as I troll myself. The inner me has nothing but kindness to share with other people, but when it comes to myself....Inner me is a bit of a bitch to myself. Like can I just shut that cow up for one moment, just one bit of encouragement. How do you stop listening to the inner you when it's always trying to drag you down?
So today is day one. And if I fail, then tomorrow will also be day one..and I'll go thru as many day ones as I need to start getting this self esteem project up and running and maybe start understanding myself more.
It's almost here, sign up
General | Posted 4 years agoSaturday marks my 11th FA anniversary here and since it's a saturday and I think I'll be home alone all day...how about we do a
freebee raffle stream. I havent done one of those in a little while. But please read this carefully
Because this is a raflle celebrating My toddlergirl account, all art drawn will be wholesome sfw stuff, no adults in diapers sorry, thats reserved for my account.
If you win a pic I will send you a drop box link direct to your comment on this journal. This is the way ive been doing it for years. If you win a pic. It is yours. You're free to repost it making sure you tag me as the original artist.
It is a random number generated raffle. I give everyone a number and then on the day I use a random number generator to pull the numbers that will get art. Just because you sign up, does NOT guarantee you a win. I will draw all day so hopefully should get 15-25 doodles done.
Beacause this is a raffle celebrating this particuar account You may include Gem as an extra character in your picture request. I will NOT be drawing things like cots or major background props. Please keep your request simple so that I can get through more of them and that everyone has a better chance of winning that way
you do NOT have to be in the stream on Saturday to win. Thats why im asking for all your details now, so that i have everything i need to draw you should your number come up.
So We will do it the usual way to make it fair for everyone. Follow these rules I'll give you a number and you might get some free art.
1. Post a pic or reference or description of your character. (or you can nominate a friends character if you wish)
2. Do you have a pic idea(or outfit choices) you want or just let me have free reign (if its too complicated I may ignore this part for sake of speed)
3. And again because this is a raffle for my anniversary here... Why do you follow this account?
And thats it really.
I will post a journal on saturday when I start streaming streaming will be done here https://picarto.tv/squiggles
freebee raffle stream. I havent done one of those in a little while. But please read this carefully
Because this is a raflle celebrating My toddlergirl account, all art drawn will be wholesome sfw stuff, no adults in diapers sorry, thats reserved for my
account. If you win a pic I will send you a drop box link direct to your comment on this journal. This is the way ive been doing it for years. If you win a pic. It is yours. You're free to repost it making sure you tag me as the original artist.
It is a random number generated raffle. I give everyone a number and then on the day I use a random number generator to pull the numbers that will get art. Just because you sign up, does NOT guarantee you a win. I will draw all day so hopefully should get 15-25 doodles done.
Beacause this is a raffle celebrating this particuar account You may include Gem as an extra character in your picture request. I will NOT be drawing things like cots or major background props. Please keep your request simple so that I can get through more of them and that everyone has a better chance of winning that way
you do NOT have to be in the stream on Saturday to win. Thats why im asking for all your details now, so that i have everything i need to draw you should your number come up.
So We will do it the usual way to make it fair for everyone. Follow these rules I'll give you a number and you might get some free art.
1. Post a pic or reference or description of your character. (or you can nominate a friends character if you wish)
2. Do you have a pic idea(or outfit choices) you want or just let me have free reign (if its too complicated I may ignore this part for sake of speed)
3. And again because this is a raffle for my anniversary here... Why do you follow this account?
And thats it really.
I will post a journal on saturday when I start streaming streaming will be done here https://picarto.tv/squiggles
Free art doodle stream
General | Posted 4 years agoHey. So it was my birthday last week and I promised people I would do a birthday sketch stream but I havent had time and so now I think I finally am getting to the point where I can dedicate a day to this.
My daddy is away this friday through to Saturday Kitten sitting for a friend so he is abandonning me to look after a cuter fluffier kitten (I have been replaced) so seems like the perfect time to do a big stream session. It'll be from 11am Uk time through to about 6pmuk time and then it'll resume whatever time i get up on saturday until 2pmish when Daddy finally returns.
So Lets do a freebee stream. The rules are slightly different to normal so please pay attention. Fill in this little form and I'll give you a number and then I'll use a random number generator to pick the winners. If you dont fill in the form correctly I wont give you a number
I will only be drawing clean SFW stuff in this stream so nothing kinky. And I'll be streaming it here https://picarto.tv/squiggles
so fill in this form
1. I need your ref sheet (this can also just be a picture or a description so long as its the whole character)
2. How old do I need to draw your character
3. Any particular outfit(I wont be doing crazy complicated diaper patterns or mad complicted cosplays because that just eats up all the time so please keep that in mind, these are freebees afterall) or leave it up to me?
4. And finally Name another FA artist that you really like (mainly because I want to expand my watch list and am looking for suggestions on who to follow, it can even be yourself if you're an artist, lets spread some good vibes and see who we can discover)
My daddy is away this friday through to Saturday Kitten sitting for a friend so he is abandonning me to look after a cuter fluffier kitten (I have been replaced) so seems like the perfect time to do a big stream session. It'll be from 11am Uk time through to about 6pmuk time and then it'll resume whatever time i get up on saturday until 2pmish when Daddy finally returns.
So Lets do a freebee stream. The rules are slightly different to normal so please pay attention. Fill in this little form and I'll give you a number and then I'll use a random number generator to pick the winners. If you dont fill in the form correctly I wont give you a number
I will only be drawing clean SFW stuff in this stream so nothing kinky. And I'll be streaming it here https://picarto.tv/squiggles
so fill in this form
1. I need your ref sheet (this can also just be a picture or a description so long as its the whole character)
2. How old do I need to draw your character
3. Any particular outfit(I wont be doing crazy complicated diaper patterns or mad complicted cosplays because that just eats up all the time so please keep that in mind, these are freebees afterall) or leave it up to me?
4. And finally Name another FA artist that you really like (mainly because I want to expand my watch list and am looking for suggestions on who to follow, it can even be yourself if you're an artist, lets spread some good vibes and see who we can discover)
More cameos?
General | Posted 4 years agoJust a small reminder that Found has cameos available free of charge but in order to potentially have a cameo in my comic you need to read this journal and basically do what it says
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9623807/
Filling in the form doesnt guarantee you a place but its worth giving it a go. Im mentioning this again simply because its been 8 months since I last talked about it and Ive discovered so many of teh previous characters I used are all dead accounts these days so tracking people down to fill their original place in the comic has been quite a fight LOL So feel free to follow the journal above and send me the details I need and Ill add you to my potential cameo list.
I hope everyones being safe and well.
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9623807/
Filling in the form doesnt guarantee you a place but its worth giving it a go. Im mentioning this again simply because its been 8 months since I last talked about it and Ive discovered so many of teh previous characters I used are all dead accounts these days so tracking people down to fill their original place in the comic has been quite a fight LOL So feel free to follow the journal above and send me the details I need and Ill add you to my potential cameo list.
I hope everyones being safe and well.
Ten down!!
General | Posted 5 years agoSo I'm one month in....I havent told folk here because I wrote it on my other page but I should probably tell people here too about the stuff that's being going on as there are people here who dont follow my other account.
I turn 40 on the 4th of June and because of Covid theres gonna be no party no nothing, its just gonna be a day, normally my birthday is just a non-eventful normal day anyway but like my 40th I was kinda secretly planning to find a way to make it special...but yeah I've scrapped that. Instead I'm trying to raise a bunch of money for 4 different charities before my big 4 0 day. Without repeating myself it's all here...
https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/40-by-40
Anyway...part of that is to walk 10k steps every day for 40 days (which'll be like the 27th of Feb when that ends and we'll celebrate that with a 24 hour long charity stream full of freebees and PWYW and just stupid sleep deprived shenanigans) but truthfully I normally walk like 2k steps a day so seeing i've walked 10k steps for 3 weeks straight so far....is not something I expected of myself if i'm gonna be at all honest
But another part of it is trying to lose 40lbs before the big 4 0 day. I started at 245lbs (I know its quite a lot specially for someone who's only 5 foot tall) but today I hit 235lbs
So I've lost my first 10lbs since starting this crazy plan. so we're a quarter of the way there.
I've also managed to lose 4inchs off my bust, 3 off my waist and 4 off my hips so lets hope that all continues and I can raise some cash for some worthy causes.
I'll be doing some big group pics some of them here and some of them on my other account all money that I earn through the big group pics will go into the charity pot. This first group pic will hopefully be up some time later this week.
I turn 40 on the 4th of June and because of Covid theres gonna be no party no nothing, its just gonna be a day, normally my birthday is just a non-eventful normal day anyway but like my 40th I was kinda secretly planning to find a way to make it special...but yeah I've scrapped that. Instead I'm trying to raise a bunch of money for 4 different charities before my big 4 0 day. Without repeating myself it's all here...
https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/40-by-40
Anyway...part of that is to walk 10k steps every day for 40 days (which'll be like the 27th of Feb when that ends and we'll celebrate that with a 24 hour long charity stream full of freebees and PWYW and just stupid sleep deprived shenanigans) but truthfully I normally walk like 2k steps a day so seeing i've walked 10k steps for 3 weeks straight so far....is not something I expected of myself if i'm gonna be at all honest
But another part of it is trying to lose 40lbs before the big 4 0 day. I started at 245lbs (I know its quite a lot specially for someone who's only 5 foot tall) but today I hit 235lbs
So I've lost my first 10lbs since starting this crazy plan. so we're a quarter of the way there.
I've also managed to lose 4inchs off my bust, 3 off my waist and 4 off my hips so lets hope that all continues and I can raise some cash for some worthy causes.
I'll be doing some big group pics some of them here and some of them on my other account
all money that I earn through the big group pics will go into the charity pot. This first group pic will hopefully be up some time later this week.A teeny bit of help
General | Posted 5 years agoSo as the new year gets closer (*spoiler alert* It's tomoro) There's still time to do something nice this year 
rat is poorly and needs an operation so is trying to crowdfund the $600 she needs so if you have any spare change down the back of the sofa or behind your ears or whereever people keep spare change these days maybe help save her pet https://www.spotfund.com/story/c886.....7-5c1077774546
Another thing thats slightly nicer is this digimon game that
made https://www.furaffinity.net/view/39544937/ Its got voices and everything (errr I may perhaps be playing one of the characters in the game) So if you like digimon you should def check it out as the plot is pretty cool.
Oh and happy New year...well..almost but just generally today is the last day of 2020 so with a modest helping of new hope, maybe...just maybe 2021 wont be quite so much of a dumpsterfire. I guess we can only wait and see.
My new years resolution is to make better choices. That encompasses a lot of stuff so im hopefully i can be wishy washy enough that I at least get to the end of january without breaking it HAHAHA. Do any of you have plans or goals for 2021?
rat is poorly and needs an operation so is trying to crowdfund the $600 she needs so if you have any spare change down the back of the sofa or behind your ears or whereever people keep spare change these days maybe help save her pet https://www.spotfund.com/story/c886.....7-5c1077774546Another thing thats slightly nicer is this digimon game that
made https://www.furaffinity.net/view/39544937/ Its got voices and everything (errr I may perhaps be playing one of the characters in the game) So if you like digimon you should def check it out as the plot is pretty cool.Oh and happy New year...well..almost but just generally today is the last day of 2020 so with a modest helping of new hope, maybe...just maybe 2021 wont be quite so much of a dumpsterfire. I guess we can only wait and see.
My new years resolution is to make better choices. That encompasses a lot of stuff so im hopefully i can be wishy washy enough that I at least get to the end of january without breaking it HAHAHA. Do any of you have plans or goals for 2021?
Thankyoo heaps
General | Posted 5 years agoI just noticed I passed 1m pageviews here recently and totally missed it, but wanted to say thankyou for the constant support here.
This place has always felt like a home for me, which is an odd thing to say considering as an army brat I moved around so much that no where really felt permenant or safe enough to be home, most of you know my life story these days but i didn't have many friends growing up, or friends I did make I soon lost due to moving so much, so its ...It's tricky for me to make long term friends.
But when I first joined this site ten years ago, everyone was so welcoming and friendly and generally nothing like real life at all that I was just instantly hooked on the positivity and willingness to help each other that I cant honestly think of another place I'd rather be.
There are people that ive met here that I do hope we will be friends for life. I feel really lucky that I came here. Learnt what furries were and realised fairly instantly that I was one and now its such a huge part of me that I just cant imagine life can be any other way.
Thankyou for always being there for me. I hope I can continue to be here for folk too
This place has always felt like a home for me, which is an odd thing to say considering as an army brat I moved around so much that no where really felt permenant or safe enough to be home, most of you know my life story these days but i didn't have many friends growing up, or friends I did make I soon lost due to moving so much, so its ...It's tricky for me to make long term friends.
But when I first joined this site ten years ago, everyone was so welcoming and friendly and generally nothing like real life at all that I was just instantly hooked on the positivity and willingness to help each other that I cant honestly think of another place I'd rather be.
There are people that ive met here that I do hope we will be friends for life. I feel really lucky that I came here. Learnt what furries were and realised fairly instantly that I was one and now its such a huge part of me that I just cant imagine life can be any other way.
Thankyou for always being there for me. I hope I can continue to be here for folk too
'Found' stuff
General | Posted 5 years agono I havent found stuff like treasure...that would be pretty awesome...although in all honesty I havent LOOKED for treasure so who knows there could be some somewhere around here.
I just wanted to ask something of you all who are reading the newer version of Found.
If you've read it before, can you be a little bit careful in the comments about not spoiling things too much, there are some people who are reading found for the first time and it would be cool for them to experience it from a "i dunno whats coming next" kind of way.
Now obviously I cant stop people discussing stuff in the comments and its really cool to see people commenting, but for those blurting out major future plot points can you maybe ...just be a bit more sensitive about that?
Also if people still want the chance to Cameo in Found please read this journal and follow the rules
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9623807/
Also also....I may have to cut Found down to one page a week for a few weeks. I might be back at work again...like my real day job as technciicically I should be getting unfurloughed...again...maybe......Next week and so I wont have nearly as much free time to draw all these comics (currently im creating 5 pages of comic a week....I dont sleep....) So if some of the days are suddenly taken up with real world work rather than my happy art world job then errr thats gotta have an impact somewhere and Found is probably the first area to take a hit on that. Its a fluid situation (....ewww) So it may or may not go away, but I'll know more by wednesday I guess.
I just wanted to ask something of you all who are reading the newer version of Found.
If you've read it before, can you be a little bit careful in the comments about not spoiling things too much, there are some people who are reading found for the first time and it would be cool for them to experience it from a "i dunno whats coming next" kind of way.
Now obviously I cant stop people discussing stuff in the comments and its really cool to see people commenting, but for those blurting out major future plot points can you maybe ...just be a bit more sensitive about that?
Also if people still want the chance to Cameo in Found please read this journal and follow the rules
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9623807/
Also also....I may have to cut Found down to one page a week for a few weeks. I might be back at work again...like my real day job as technciicically I should be getting unfurloughed...again...maybe......Next week and so I wont have nearly as much free time to draw all these comics (currently im creating 5 pages of comic a week....I dont sleep....) So if some of the days are suddenly taken up with real world work rather than my happy art world job then errr thats gotta have an impact somewhere and Found is probably the first area to take a hit on that. Its a fluid situation (....ewww) So it may or may not go away, but I'll know more by wednesday I guess.
Giving away my secrets- questions?
General | Posted 5 years agoSo 2moro (Saturday the 10th no the 9th as originally advertised) I'll be doing a streaming session over on https://picarto.tv/Squiggles This isnt your usual freebee stream more a stream of drawing hits/tips/showing people how I draw and what corners I cut and what weird techniques I use. Anyway if you follow my picarto page it'll notify you when the stream goes live.
I'll be compiling a list of things people want to see me do/draw/explain so if you have any questions or things specifically you'd like to see feel free to ask now so I cant think of answers and how best to show you what you are asking for This'll also mean you wont hafta be in the stream to see your question answered.
The whole thing will be recorded so that if you cant make it and theres something you really wanna see you can watch it when you have free time.
Sorry Ive been quite quiet this week I've been pretty ill (pretty sure with food poisoning) and Paul has been sick with something worse so I've been looking after him whilst being sick myself so it's not been a fun 4-5 days. Like neither of us get properly sick for years and them BAM both at the same time. Who saw that coming. Its like when Paul has a server blow up and he has multiple hard disks in the rack for resillience and then they both fail at the same time....How do they know???
Magic. Im pretty sure.
Luckily I have a little stack of comic pages all already to go, so theres no delays in found or shine until at least fri-sat next week which by them I shoul e fully recovered and drawing properly again.
I'll be compiling a list of things people want to see me do/draw/explain so if you have any questions or things specifically you'd like to see feel free to ask now so I cant think of answers and how best to show you what you are asking for This'll also mean you wont hafta be in the stream to see your question answered.
The whole thing will be recorded so that if you cant make it and theres something you really wanna see you can watch it when you have free time.
Sorry Ive been quite quiet this week I've been pretty ill (pretty sure with food poisoning) and Paul has been sick with something worse so I've been looking after him whilst being sick myself so it's not been a fun 4-5 days. Like neither of us get properly sick for years and them BAM both at the same time. Who saw that coming. Its like when Paul has a server blow up and he has multiple hard disks in the rack for resillience and then they both fail at the same time....How do they know???
Magic. Im pretty sure.
Luckily I have a little stack of comic pages all already to go, so theres no delays in found or shine until at least fri-sat next week which by them I shoul e fully recovered and drawing properly again.
Word vomit
General | Posted 5 years agoThis is a total ramble...feel free to igore, you'll save yourself twenty minutes of your life
I think quite a lot about my childhood. I think when you're a little/babyfur/ageplay/DD/LG/diaperfur....whatever you wanna call yourself, when you find yourself oddly linked to your childhood you tend to ask yourself why.
Some people dabble in this sort of scene, testing the waters trying stuff on, but for some of us its like hardwired into our very core, whether we like it or not, its part of us and has been from some of our earliest memories and I fall ito that category. Since aout the age of five/six every day of my life I have thought about being little in some sense or another. I imagine being rocked to sleep every night and I imagine waking up in a crib every morning. Ive just done that since I was very young without fail, its how I sleep.
I often try to reflect why. Why am I like this? I'm almost forty (I will be next june) and I still feel confused why this was the thing that stuck on me. I didn't pick it, and for the longest time it brought me great humiliation. My teenage years were spent as a goth, being very standoffish. not letting anyone touch me, no hugs, no affection, no friends simply because I was sooo worried the tinest amount of weakness would broadcast to the world that I actually wanted nothing more than to be padded, swaddled and fed a bottle. I thought if I didnt accept affection I could convince myself that I was normal, but instead I just starved myself of that sort of contact...Kinda silly in retrospect but I understand why looking back.
I've been writing a comic over on my other account that you may or may not be reading called Shine, and that has kinda forced me to reflect on my family life quite a bit and reluctantly came to the conslusion that my childhood was abusive, it's weird you kinda just assume everyones childhoods are kinda the same its only when you start telling stories about things that happened and you see everyone elses horrified expressions that you realise that maybe it wasnt as normal as you thought.
But for all the scars my parents gave me they also gave me good stuff and I think maybe I dont talk about that as much.
My imagination, common sense, sense of adventure, sense of humour all come from my dad. My mum couldnt read/write when I was a kid so stories were dad's job (when he wasnt away on army exercises) He really gave me that magic ignited my imagination and instilled reading as an escapism in me. Without him I can utterly guarntee shine, found, allll of my art and stories would not exist.
My mum gave me her work ethic. My mum isnt the smartest person in the world, but shes a bloody hard worker and very personable (I wish that had rubbed off on me) She really doesnt care what other people think of her, she works like 5 jobs and runs the house ontop of that. I think thats something im like too. I dont feel right if Im not working hard on some project or being useful to someone, so my upload speeds and workaholicism is her fault.
They taught me it was important to be myself. It became apparant early on I was never going to fit in, despite their best efforts to sort various bullying problems (parents interveneing in bullying issues never ever ever work it just makes things so much worse) But it taught me I needed to stand on my own feet, that if I was never going to be accepted as one of the sheep that I should just do my own thing and screw anyone else. Whats the point in trying to get into a club where no one wants you? The just wanted me to be happy...so they said, and They tried to live by that, even when I brought a woman home as my first serious relationship, they asked if I was happy and I said yes and that was good enough for them.
So yeah they really helped mould the person I am today. I know I do talk quite negatively about them at points but without them and in fairness without the abuse I suffered because of them, I dont think Id be the me I am today, and the me I am is kinda okay at the moment LOL
I think quite a lot about my childhood. I think when you're a little/babyfur/ageplay/DD/LG/diaperfur....whatever you wanna call yourself, when you find yourself oddly linked to your childhood you tend to ask yourself why.
Some people dabble in this sort of scene, testing the waters trying stuff on, but for some of us its like hardwired into our very core, whether we like it or not, its part of us and has been from some of our earliest memories and I fall ito that category. Since aout the age of five/six every day of my life I have thought about being little in some sense or another. I imagine being rocked to sleep every night and I imagine waking up in a crib every morning. Ive just done that since I was very young without fail, its how I sleep.
I often try to reflect why. Why am I like this? I'm almost forty (I will be next june) and I still feel confused why this was the thing that stuck on me. I didn't pick it, and for the longest time it brought me great humiliation. My teenage years were spent as a goth, being very standoffish. not letting anyone touch me, no hugs, no affection, no friends simply because I was sooo worried the tinest amount of weakness would broadcast to the world that I actually wanted nothing more than to be padded, swaddled and fed a bottle. I thought if I didnt accept affection I could convince myself that I was normal, but instead I just starved myself of that sort of contact...Kinda silly in retrospect but I understand why looking back.
I've been writing a comic over on my other account that you may or may not be reading called Shine, and that has kinda forced me to reflect on my family life quite a bit and reluctantly came to the conslusion that my childhood was abusive, it's weird you kinda just assume everyones childhoods are kinda the same its only when you start telling stories about things that happened and you see everyone elses horrified expressions that you realise that maybe it wasnt as normal as you thought.
But for all the scars my parents gave me they also gave me good stuff and I think maybe I dont talk about that as much.
My imagination, common sense, sense of adventure, sense of humour all come from my dad. My mum couldnt read/write when I was a kid so stories were dad's job (when he wasnt away on army exercises) He really gave me that magic ignited my imagination and instilled reading as an escapism in me. Without him I can utterly guarntee shine, found, allll of my art and stories would not exist.
My mum gave me her work ethic. My mum isnt the smartest person in the world, but shes a bloody hard worker and very personable (I wish that had rubbed off on me) She really doesnt care what other people think of her, she works like 5 jobs and runs the house ontop of that. I think thats something im like too. I dont feel right if Im not working hard on some project or being useful to someone, so my upload speeds and workaholicism is her fault.
They taught me it was important to be myself. It became apparant early on I was never going to fit in, despite their best efforts to sort various bullying problems (parents interveneing in bullying issues never ever ever work it just makes things so much worse) But it taught me I needed to stand on my own feet, that if I was never going to be accepted as one of the sheep that I should just do my own thing and screw anyone else. Whats the point in trying to get into a club where no one wants you? The just wanted me to be happy...so they said, and They tried to live by that, even when I brought a woman home as my first serious relationship, they asked if I was happy and I said yes and that was good enough for them.
So yeah they really helped mould the person I am today. I know I do talk quite negatively about them at points but without them and in fairness without the abuse I suffered because of them, I dont think Id be the me I am today, and the me I am is kinda okay at the moment LOL
Dented
General | Posted 5 years agoSo life has been tricky for everyone this year, I've tried really hard to stay as positive as I can, It's not always appropriate when cities are burnin, people are dying, democracy is in shambles and 2020 just seems to constantly be kicking everyone in the nuts repeatedly (hey I'm a squirrel, I'm all about nuts)
Throughout all of this I've buried my despair, I've tried to push it down, If I get overwhelmed by it, then I won't beable to draw and if I cant draw then there goes my only source of income, so I've got to keep doing that or things go south fairly quickly, I also want to draw so I can keep putting a tiny bit of positivity into this mess of a world.
One of the things keeping me going is that at some point in the future I'll beable to see people again, I'll beable to play, I'll be able to have little time. Little time has been really REALLY scarce this year. Like I've been little twice. But Gotta keep positive, look to the future and focus on something good.
So I keep in my mind that theres an amazing event not far from where I live A preschool afternoon for adults, kinda regression therapy kinda thing, you go there do some arts and crafts, play with playdoh, build a block tower, take a nap, have snack time and get a story...then you go home, little side topped up and you can take on the world again. I live for those sessions, they happen normally once every six weeks or so, but obviously with covid theyve been cancelled since feb, but there's always the looking to the future to know they will happen again.
So it turns out one of the littles that goes to these sessions for whatever reason, maybe they fell out with the organiser maybe they fell out with someone else who goes there, basically recently collected a bunch of photos from the event and sent them to the head office of the venue anonymously pretty much in a blackmaily sort of "hey look at this depravity" sort of way. Now nothing depraved happens at these things, sure we're all adults dressed as kids but other than that its actually just a normal playgroup/creche kinda scenario, noones naked nothing sexual is going on in fact we're actively enoucouraged to just be kids. The venue head office actually were like "okay thats a little odd but its not like dodgy" But because the venue was worried the mean person would tell media outlets and generally kick up a fuss, theyve had to cancel any further bookings. they were genuinely sorry about it because they saw that what we were doing was harmless and now thats a bunch of revnue the venue desperately needed but couldnt risk the media fallout.
This news kinda pushed me over a weird edge. With all the horrible stuff going on I cant comprehend how someone from the ageplay community would do this...to their own community. how vindictive and hateful do you have to be to damage other littles in such a spiteful way? When we're all trying to find positives in the world at the moment, trying to find slivers of hope to cling to to keep us from sinking...It just broke my heart a bit.
A new venue has been found and more events will probably happen in the future, but I think it's just...I dunno I just cant get my head around why someone would do that, that's messing me up. I always associate being a little with having this heart full of hope and joy, being able to see the world through a more positive bright lens. For me, when I envoke Gem Thats how I feel, like magic is real anything is possible because she doesnt know any better, so something so cold and calculating and just plain nasty coming from a little just really hurts I guess.
Anyway sorry for the rant There will be new events, it wont keep folk down for long but yeah...I'll miss that place. It was perfect!
Throughout all of this I've buried my despair, I've tried to push it down, If I get overwhelmed by it, then I won't beable to draw and if I cant draw then there goes my only source of income, so I've got to keep doing that or things go south fairly quickly, I also want to draw so I can keep putting a tiny bit of positivity into this mess of a world.
One of the things keeping me going is that at some point in the future I'll beable to see people again, I'll beable to play, I'll be able to have little time. Little time has been really REALLY scarce this year. Like I've been little twice. But Gotta keep positive, look to the future and focus on something good.
So I keep in my mind that theres an amazing event not far from where I live A preschool afternoon for adults, kinda regression therapy kinda thing, you go there do some arts and crafts, play with playdoh, build a block tower, take a nap, have snack time and get a story...then you go home, little side topped up and you can take on the world again. I live for those sessions, they happen normally once every six weeks or so, but obviously with covid theyve been cancelled since feb, but there's always the looking to the future to know they will happen again.
So it turns out one of the littles that goes to these sessions for whatever reason, maybe they fell out with the organiser maybe they fell out with someone else who goes there, basically recently collected a bunch of photos from the event and sent them to the head office of the venue anonymously pretty much in a blackmaily sort of "hey look at this depravity" sort of way. Now nothing depraved happens at these things, sure we're all adults dressed as kids but other than that its actually just a normal playgroup/creche kinda scenario, noones naked nothing sexual is going on in fact we're actively enoucouraged to just be kids. The venue head office actually were like "okay thats a little odd but its not like dodgy" But because the venue was worried the mean person would tell media outlets and generally kick up a fuss, theyve had to cancel any further bookings. they were genuinely sorry about it because they saw that what we were doing was harmless and now thats a bunch of revnue the venue desperately needed but couldnt risk the media fallout.
This news kinda pushed me over a weird edge. With all the horrible stuff going on I cant comprehend how someone from the ageplay community would do this...to their own community. how vindictive and hateful do you have to be to damage other littles in such a spiteful way? When we're all trying to find positives in the world at the moment, trying to find slivers of hope to cling to to keep us from sinking...It just broke my heart a bit.
A new venue has been found and more events will probably happen in the future, but I think it's just...I dunno I just cant get my head around why someone would do that, that's messing me up. I always associate being a little with having this heart full of hope and joy, being able to see the world through a more positive bright lens. For me, when I envoke Gem Thats how I feel, like magic is real anything is possible because she doesnt know any better, so something so cold and calculating and just plain nasty coming from a little just really hurts I guess.
Anyway sorry for the rant There will be new events, it wont keep folk down for long but yeah...I'll miss that place. It was perfect!
Streaming now live
General | Posted 5 years agohttps://picarto.tv/Squiggles im over here now (have been for a while but forgot to tell folk...) so yeah drawing the freebees all day
Stream an' stuff
General | Posted 5 years agoSo errr like the title says. To celebrate the whole 10 years on FA, being a furry thing Im doing a day long sketch stream it'll be hosted here https://picarto.tv/Squiggles so like if you follow that account you'll get an email notification when the stream starts. These will be black and white sketches that I'll try and draw as many as I can for like...10 hours or however long.
If you havent signed up yet you have until the stream starts to sign up.
Sign up here https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9610502/ I tend to beable to draw about 20 people in that sort of time frame so you'll have roughly a 1 in 10 chance of winning I guess which isnt terrible odds. All winners will be picked by random number generator. Ill start giving out numbers some time today so that we can get straight into it tomoro.
In other news thanks for the billions of Found cameo notes. I havent read them all but rest assured they will all be put in a safe place for safe keeping and I will contact folk when/if they appear in the comic.
Found will be updated on Saturdays and Thursdays so page 2 will be available 2moro. Or you can see page 2 and page 3 now if you sign up to my patreon https://www.patreon.com/squiggle as ive put that comic at teh $1 tier. my other comics, Shine and Cottontail Nursery are at the $10 tier
So upload schedules look like this now
Sunday-You get NOTHING..go away shooo, pesky kids
Monday-Shine
Tuesday- Nowt, get off my lawn
Wednesday Cottontail
Thursday Found
Friday Shine
Saturday Found
So errr....maybe I'll be busy for a little while...
If you havent signed up yet you have until the stream starts to sign up.
Sign up here https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9610502/ I tend to beable to draw about 20 people in that sort of time frame so you'll have roughly a 1 in 10 chance of winning I guess which isnt terrible odds. All winners will be picked by random number generator. Ill start giving out numbers some time today so that we can get straight into it tomoro.
In other news thanks for the billions of Found cameo notes. I havent read them all but rest assured they will all be put in a safe place for safe keeping and I will contact folk when/if they appear in the comic.
Found will be updated on Saturdays and Thursdays so page 2 will be available 2moro. Or you can see page 2 and page 3 now if you sign up to my patreon https://www.patreon.com/squiggle as ive put that comic at teh $1 tier. my other comics, Shine and Cottontail Nursery are at the $10 tier
So upload schedules look like this now
Sunday-You get NOTHING..go away shooo, pesky kids
Monday-Shine
Tuesday- Nowt, get off my lawn
Wednesday Cottontail
Thursday Found
Friday Shine
Saturday Found
So errr....maybe I'll be busy for a little while...
Found Cameos and Info
General | Posted 5 years agoOkay. So the cat's outta the bag. You now know the secret thing that isnt secret anymore. Found is getting a redraw (and in some areas a little bit of a rewrite but nothing to change the story drastically, so if you've read it once, there wont be any crazy surprises)
So here's my problem. A lot of peoples accounts who appeared in the original version are dead. Like so many people have moved on to other sites and I have no frikkin clue how to track half of them down. So Found needs a bit of a re-casting. I'll try and track down the original folk as much as possible but I think theres going to be a lot of blank spaces available for new people to get cameo places.
Now the thing you need to know is the whole point of this re-draw is so that the comic can get published. The publisher wont print pages with peoples charcters on it without actual permission from each owner of the character. So I would need you to fill in this form and send it to me here on my
toddlergirl account (i've opened notes again here for this specific purpose cause mixing shine and found cameos on one accounts notes will be hell)
So please follow this bit carefully.
Send me a note titled either
FOUND ADULT or FOUND KID so I can see at a glance what type of character role you'd be This'll save me a million hours worth of searching and then fill in this form (the signature is literally you just typing your name)
Name of character:
ref/pic/description:
Are they a child or an adult (Note adults are NOT padded, this is not a kink comic)
Anything else you think is relevant:
*****
I (full legal name) give permission to Gem to have my character, (character name), printed in her work Found. Furthermore I understand that this is a commercial printing and I will not receive any payment for this use. I grant a limited license to my character for the purpose of printing, distribution, and sale of the work entitled Found by Gem.
Signed: ________________
Dated: _________________
*****
Please also be aware, just because you submit a character does not guarantee you'll geta slot, it all depends on how much demand there is really
So here's my problem. A lot of peoples accounts who appeared in the original version are dead. Like so many people have moved on to other sites and I have no frikkin clue how to track half of them down. So Found needs a bit of a re-casting. I'll try and track down the original folk as much as possible but I think theres going to be a lot of blank spaces available for new people to get cameo places.
Now the thing you need to know is the whole point of this re-draw is so that the comic can get published. The publisher wont print pages with peoples charcters on it without actual permission from each owner of the character. So I would need you to fill in this form and send it to me here on my
toddlergirl account (i've opened notes again here for this specific purpose cause mixing shine and found cameos on one accounts notes will be hell)So please follow this bit carefully.
Send me a note titled either
FOUND ADULT or FOUND KID so I can see at a glance what type of character role you'd be This'll save me a million hours worth of searching and then fill in this form (the signature is literally you just typing your name)
Name of character:
ref/pic/description:
Are they a child or an adult (Note adults are NOT padded, this is not a kink comic)
Anything else you think is relevant:
*****
I (full legal name) give permission to Gem to have my character, (character name), printed in her work Found. Furthermore I understand that this is a commercial printing and I will not receive any payment for this use. I grant a limited license to my character for the purpose of printing, distribution, and sale of the work entitled Found by Gem.
Signed: ________________
Dated: _________________
*****
Please also be aware, just because you submit a character does not guarantee you'll geta slot, it all depends on how much demand there is really
On to happier things....Sign up here
General | Posted 5 years agoSeptember the 18th 2010.
It's a date that changed my life. The date I joined FA. I've almost been here a decade and Goodness what a decade it's been. Gem didnt exist, Star didnt exist, none of my comics were written. I was a completely different person at a completely different point in my life. I could barely draw, no-one knew who I was and I think life was a bit more innocent/more carefree I guess, and so here I am, with almost a million views on this page almost 2 million views on babystar and more comics than i really have any right in drawing LOL.
So what are we gonna do to celebrate? The 18th is a Friday. I could do a free sketch stream? Would people be up for that?
I've also got something semi secret to reveal to you (I kinda told patreons about it already but maybe I probably shouldnt have LOL) So I will be unveiling something semi exciting on that Friday as a anniversary gift to folk who have been following me all these years. Im excited about it but It doesnt mean anyone else neccesarily will be LOL
So You want free art then?
Here's what I need you to do.
1. Give me a reference(Can also be a picture or a description, also doesnt have to be you it can be a friend)
2. Tell me the age of the character and if they're in diapers
3. Since this is an anniversary freebee stream, tell me why do you follow me? (I know this is utterly shamelessly fishing for people to say nice things, but honestly speaking I could really do with the pickmeup at the moment as I'm def in an emotional rut LOL)
Ill then give you a number and we'll pick people via random number generator
It's a date that changed my life. The date I joined FA. I've almost been here a decade and Goodness what a decade it's been. Gem didnt exist, Star didnt exist, none of my comics were written. I was a completely different person at a completely different point in my life. I could barely draw, no-one knew who I was and I think life was a bit more innocent/more carefree I guess, and so here I am, with almost a million views on this page almost 2 million views on babystar and more comics than i really have any right in drawing LOL.
So what are we gonna do to celebrate? The 18th is a Friday. I could do a free sketch stream? Would people be up for that?
I've also got something semi secret to reveal to you (I kinda told patreons about it already but maybe I probably shouldnt have LOL) So I will be unveiling something semi exciting on that Friday as a anniversary gift to folk who have been following me all these years. Im excited about it but It doesnt mean anyone else neccesarily will be LOL
So You want free art then?
Here's what I need you to do.
1. Give me a reference(Can also be a picture or a description, also doesnt have to be you it can be a friend)
2. Tell me the age of the character and if they're in diapers
3. Since this is an anniversary freebee stream, tell me why do you follow me? (I know this is utterly shamelessly fishing for people to say nice things, but honestly speaking I could really do with the pickmeup at the moment as I'm def in an emotional rut LOL)
Ill then give you a number and we'll pick people via random number generator
