You know, my submissions tab is pretty full of people wearing diapers and shitting and eating each other and all sorts of crazy shit. I'm pretty sure I've never watched someone who already had that stuff in their gallery, so obviously it's just some natural downward spiral artists suffer in the fandom. Hey, far be it from me to look down on your fetish (this is a fucking furry site, so who the hell am I to judge), but why combine like 18 of the most bizarre and highly specific fetish's in all of your pictures? So there's only like 4 people on earth that like it? Geez, one crazy fetish at a time. Savor each one for as long as possible before moving on, or soon the only way any of you will ever be able to get off it by killing each other with hammers and cannibalizing your own genitals...

So. Furaffinity. Been a while. Yeah. FML. I could say something about that thing I was working on. But whatever. I don't want to make what are most likely empty promises. How ya'll mafuckas doin? Hopefully you'll be seein more of my alcoholic ass postin shit soon. I feel bad for letting it all fall by the wayside, but RL is like piranha. They all want a piece of you ladies and gentlemen and everything in between. Hell, I'm a computer science guy. Art is like a side project to my side projects. A lot of things come down the priority list before this place, just as far as personal support goes that is. Interest wise, this place is definitely at the top, but like I said, RL comes first...

But yeah, hopefully I'll be back in gear real soon.

Uh. So wow. I took a look at some old sketchbooks and . . . boy, I used to suck some major ass at drawing. I mean, I still suck now, but that's mostly due to lack of practice and lack of time, so I rush shit. I mean, seriously, I will say one good thing. Most people I know that draw shit put up about ~5% of what they churn out because most of it sucks, according to them. And they spend many, many hours on some things they work on. For me, pretty much everything you see up here is everything I've drawn in the past how ever many years I've been on here. And there are really long breaks between when I actually do draw anything, so I almost always have to relearn what the hell I'm doing on every picture. And the time I devote to these things would probably be better measured in minutes. Not that it might not take me over an hour, but probably not much more than that. I just have no patience/time.

But god, this shit I drew back when I was like, I don't know, 11-12? God, I sat there trying to put myself back into the frame of mind, and it just doesn't make any sense to me how I wouldn't have just burned the damn pages when I got done. I mean, typically I find old stuff I've done and am pretty impressed. I find old things I wrote going back to when I was like fucking 7 and I'm like, "wow, what the fuck happened to me? The alcohol must've just fucking fried my brain! Why is my child self giving me an inferiority complex?!"

But if there is one thing I can lord over my child self when the time machine is eventually invented is that I was visually retarded back in the day.

I think I just fucked up with this girl. I drink too muxh

I'm drunk. Who cares. Anyways, go look at my latest submission. You don't gotta like it. You can even hate it and tell me so, but seven fucking views? Wtf? I think the first piece of shit I ever drew EVER got like 40 views in the first 10 seconds. Come on, does it really have to have a cock in the thumbnail or buttsex in the title to get your attention?

I'm just obscenely busy. And my laptop that I can plug my scanner into is dead. But mainly I'm just real fuckin busy. I will hopefully be getting something put up here soon. Sorry.

Anyone else hate it when strippers bite you? That shit isn't sexy. It hurts and make me fearful of neck disease.

I would prefer "picture matrix" or something honestly. This is hardly some shit I'd be hanging on walls for a bunch of people to walk around staring at. Don't really consider myself an "artist" either, except for in the driest technical sense.

Anyways... I moved a bunch of shit to the scrap heap and change a bunch of thumbnails to something a bit more simplified. I got tired of looking at the ugly shit thumbnails I had on there and I feel embarrassed every time I look at the piles of shit I have in the "gallery". Coming up with a decent thumbnail to attract people in to look at the shit is an art in and of itself and not one I'm any good at. See, real artists, people that actually study the shit and hope to make a living off of it, know all kinds of shit about the use of visual space and whatnot. They know the rules about placement and focus and perspective and shit. I know of those things, but I don't actually know the rules and stuff. Whatever.

I'm still working on that thing. I know, I said I could be done in a couple of weeks like 3 months ago. I have been busy, but that's not really the total reason. I mean, I'm kind of glad I didn't rush it to the "gallery" because I've been able to really improve a few things. Characters that started out looking rough and not so well developed look a lot better and have a lot more character now rather than just being mannequins posed to my sick desires. Wait, that actually sounds kind of awesome. But whatever. It'll be done at some point. I'm just duke nukem forever-ing this shit up.

Oh, another excuse: My computer is fucking dead. I'm borrowing someone else' laptop right now. They might not be too keen on the whole furry porn on their laptop thing. And I have to re-install the shit on his computer, it's just not worth the trouble. My laptop will be fixed soon. The power port is just fucked. Let me vent about this for a second. Why can't computer manufacturers NOT make piece of shit computers? Why did I have to replace the power cord to my first laptop five fucking times? Why was the power port to my most recent laptop loose like they fucking glued it in there with fucking elmer's glue? Why do they make these goddamn things out of cheap, shitty fucking plastic with snap together parts that break and get loose and floppy? Why do they overheat so fucking easily? Why did the fucking memory fail in my last laptop after less than a year?

Really, that goes for every fucking thing nowadays. Everybody is trying to pinch pennies and cut corners and outsource to shitty 3rd world countries so they can build up their profit margins and as a result, what quality products can all of those precious pennies that they've squeezed out of being cheap fucking assholes can they now purchase? Everything fucking falls apart and is held together with twist ties and elmer's glue and painted with toxic lead paint and fails after a thousand miles or a couple of months.

you do most of your internet learnin while absolutely plastered.

I mean absolutely no offense here. For fuck's sake we're furries here so obviously I have no leg to stand on when it comes to harmless fetish bashing here. It's just that it seems oddly universal. It's one of those things I could honestlnever see myself getting into. Also, random drunken philosophical thought: automatic text predicters (such as on the ps3 I'm typing on now) are highly annoying for those that strive for original prose

So I know most people watching me don't even care. I don't get too many comments, so I'm probably not disappointing anyone. All I can say is it's done when it's done. I think it's somewhat unacceptable for me to have not finished this damn thing yet. I just wish that I had more off time and that when I did have the off time, I didn't just want to fill it with alcohol so much. I mean, I'm not gonna lie, I just had two days off that I could've probably finished this thing in, but I just decided to get hammered the whole weekend instead.

I have been getting fucking raped at work. Well, not really; if I were really getting raped at work I wouldn't be complaining as much. Bending me over a table or something would at least take the fucking weight off of my feet. Standing nearly continuously for about 12 hours will do that to ya. Oh, and then having to walk a couple of miles home after that because your car is fucking dead.

I got in a fucking car wreck yall. Don't have a car anymore. Shit's probably totaled. My face is sort of fucked up from the air bags. Goddamn gun powder smell still in my nose. It's gonna be fun getting to work and shit. I cannot afford another car.

Hey all. Still workin' on that thing I was talking about. Gee, with something taking this long, it's gonna be awesome right? No. Probably not. To be honest, I haven't done much too it since last journal. Not really any "I was busy" excuses this time. I have been semi-busy, but I've had plenty of time to be working on this damn thing too. Truth is I just sort of ran out of steam. And this was yet another thing I've worked excessively hard on for for a short period that was doomed to crumble to dust once I became prematurely bored with it. But thankfully, this time, there are a few things going good for this one to keep it alive.

1. I worked hard enough on it initially that, when I eventually did get bored with it, I could still look at it and appreciate it enough to realize it would be a shame not to finish it. Normally, I'm more in love with the idea and sort of half-ass the execution, so when I do get bored with it, it's unpolished and shitty enough that I say to myself "fuck this thing, I don't feel like doing it anymore and it looks like a pile of shit anyways".

2. Timing. My decision to start this thing sort of happened in a big enough void in my life that nothing would come along and completely swamp it. I've got literally nothing else to be doing right now, which is a pretty rare occurrence.

3. I've talked about it on here. It's a hell of a lot easier to let something go when you were literally the only person on the face of the earth that knew and will ever know about it. Slightly more guilty feeling when you went "hai gess wat guyz!1 i m werkin on somfin".


Now that I've rambled about this mysterious "thing" for long enough to have lost all hope matching my hype, I will conclude by letting you know, it will still probably be just "alright".

Today sucked. I mean, obviously I've had worse days, but I kind of hit a temporary brick wall with that thing I'm working on. Some days you just sort of lose the mojo, you know? I was churning out several panels a day for a while, but today I spent like three fucking hours trying to get this bitch's head looking right. I've drawn her literally dozens of times, with the last few pictures of her mug seemingly just falling out of the pencil onto the paper without effort. Then today, I suddenly just couldn't draw her fucking face anymore. I think I had gotten so good at it that I turned it into a method in my head. Then, when I woke up this morning, all I could remember was the method and I had sort of erased all of the finesse and subtlety from my brain. I had to essentially relearn to draw again in an evening. So I only finished one goddamn panel today, and I still think it looks like shit. It didn't help that I sort of only planned it out to this point and only have a vague idea of what is supposed to happen next. It gets to that climax of the story, the sole reason the rest of the story even exists, and then I suddenly don't know how to implement it.

I hope that didn't sound like I'm puffing this up too much. You may look back on my gallery and not really expect much from me based on it. But this thing I'm working on is, I have to say, at least a little bit ahead of the shit I have in my gallery, for the most part. Not that I'm saying it's awesome- it still might suck- but it's definitely better than most of what you've seen from me thus far.

Just to let people know, I'm still here, and I'm putting the finishing touches on some little thing I started a few months ago. A few people have made some requests and I'm going to take care of those, but as I've told a few of you, it's been a crazy 2 months for me. Nothing bad, just lots and lots of shit to do. Now that I have a week or two of breathing room before the shit hits the fan again, I'm really trying to pull through on this little b.s. project I started a while ago. So it may be further still before I get to everything others want me to do.

So today, I was out walking, when I saw a fawn (baby deer) standing in this mud pool thing down in a ditch with it's head sticking into some grass, apparently eating something or drinking water or something by the noises it was making. It wasn't spooked by my presence and I came to find out it didn't take any notice of me no matter how much noise I made. Occasionally it's tail would wag like crazy and then just stop. This seemed random and unrelated to anything I did. I got within 4 or 5 feet of it, but no closer (because I'm not stupid). I threw a tiny pebble into the water to splash it to see if it would respond at all. Still nothing. I yelled, hollered, made all kinds of noise just a few feet from it and it didn't seem to notice or care. I didn't really know the symptoms of rabies beyond the stereotypical mouth foaming and anger, but this thing is definitely sick and the only thing I know that makes animals act fucking weird like that is rabies. I came back a few hours later and it was still in the same spot licking at the water or mud or whatever. But then it started to walk to another part of the muddy pond. I was kind of happy, because that could either mean it's okay or, if it is sick, it wouldn't die so close to my house and stink up the place. I saw it's face and it looked right past me (but not at me), and it had the most "out of it" look. It dragged it's face through the water, blowing bubbles and such like it wasn't aware that it's face was even under water. It then started licking at another patch of mud. It was really creepy to see such a mangy animal so completely unaware of my presence and that showed no apparent awareness of it's surroundings.

A few hours after that, I came back and didn't see it right away. I thought "Oh, good, it's gone" but nope. It was laying in the pond balled up like it was a bed, ready to go to sleep. It was still alive for sure, but it was balled up, ready to go to sleep in this filthy, snakey cesspool. It was raining a few hours ago and it's dark out now. It's creepy, but more than that, it's just crushingly sad. I do wish I could do something for it. I mean, it seems pretty obvious that it's going to die no matter what, because it definitely has some really fucked up disease. But it would be nice if it wasn't in the dark, without anyone or anything to comfort it in it's fucked up last, miserable hours of life as it sleeps in a mudpool. That's just not a right way to go. And this thing is less than 100 feet away from me in my nice, warm, well lit home. I mean, I called animal control, publicly because I don't want a dead deer stinking up the area and grossing me out, but privately because I sort of hoped that, maybe, they would be able to take it out of that damn cesspool and into somewhere more comfortable and maybe put it down humanely or something. But no such luck.

I understand the whole "circle of life" and all of that lion king jazz, but it's just a really fucked up way to go. I just hope that, since it was too fucked up to even notice I was there, that's it's too fucked up to really be suffering in any way.

Well, someone broke out my fucking car window tonight. With a brick. Fantastic. Nothing stolen. I took all of the valuable shit out of my car. There’s fucking glass everywhere. You know, I’m not too worried about anything else happening to it. What has me mostly pissed off is that someone actually did it. Specifically, someone fucked with my car, and in a (obviously) more than disrespectful way. You know, I don’t have a lot of shit. I don’t own lots of fancy shit, I don’t have money. I’m flat fucking broke most of the time. My room mates are going to fucking Florida tomorrow. Panama City. I’m staying here, because I don’t have any fucking money and can’t get off of work. Even if I did have time off and money to burn like that, I don’t have the body for the beach. I mean, I’m not fucking cottage cheese or anything, but I’m 5 ft 11 inches and ~220 lbs. Not the best of shape. No tan, nothing like that. So I don’t have shit. Now I don’t wish it upon my roommates or anyone else in the neighborhood, but why fucking me? I don’t have a nice goddamn car. It’s not terrible, but it’s not nice. I don’t have all kinds of fancy sound system shit or radio. I don’t have GPS or any of the fancy shit you see in cars now. I got like a 1992 Avalon (or maybe ‘94, can’t remember) with peeling paint and shit. My roommates are parked next to me with a jeep wrangler and some other car I don’t know the name of, but both are nice fucking cars. They’ve got fucking money. They’ve got relationships. They’ve got fucking lives. They always leave their rooms open and never remember to lock our front fucking door. I’m super paranoid. I keep all of my shit under lock and key. When I stop at a store or McDonalds or something, I park in a spot I can clearly see my car from, in broad daylight mind you, because I’m so concerned. I’m always cautions and plotting ways to keep myself from being victimized in any way. But of course, someone smashed MY car window out. Not Dennis’, not JT’s. Not any of the other dozens of cars in the parking lot. They came and decided it would be a fucking hoot to put a brick through MY window. That’s fucking nice. Thanks assholes. Thanks a lot. I’m going to be alone at my apartment for a fucking week while my roommates are in Florida having fun. I’m going to be staring out the fucking window at my car all night long hoping the asshole comes back so I can break his fucking legs. Great. Good times.

So I think I realized something today. Most of my relationships have been horrible failures, I mean, for the other person that is, it never really bothered me that much. But I figured I was just a big enough mess that they didn't want to be around me or something. Well, today, I was indulging in the singles delight (I was watching fuckin porn), and I came across this video with this couple goin' at it. Well, they seemed really into it and intimate and shit, and I found myself totally disinterested and gettin a softy. I mean, it wasn't boring, the chick could really move and you would think that them being all into it would make it all the better, but I was just kinda grossed out. They were enjoying it. Ick. I never knew that about myself. It sounds so silly and gothish or something, but the polarity's reversed on something in the ol' noggin that's making me dislike it when other people are happy. I mean, I'm not really a dick because I usually come to the defense of people I see as victims, but that's the thing, I'm disinterested in happy people and will only jump in if it means someone's already suffering and I can get guilt free vengeance for their suffering on their behalf.

So there's this guy that my roommates know who seems, well, quite fruity, to say the least. No one knew if he was gay or not though, and I hate to stereotype, but in my experience, I have yet to meet a straight person that acts like he does.

So anyways, I got drunk tonight and asked him, pretty point blank "are you gay?" I didn't do it in a mean way, like "are you a faggot or something?" I'm really not surprised he didn't take it well though. But at the same time, I'm kind of sick of people not having any leniency with me when I fuck up even though I feel like I'm putting up with their bullshit all of the time. I put up with my roommates making gay jokes about me all of the time, even though I'm not gay, and put up with them saying some pretty mean spirited, homophobic shit all of the time, but they are now acting like I went too fucking far with this. They aren't angry at me, but they aren't on my side at all and are sort of cold to my position like "well, what do you expect" and they seem just as ready to throw me under the bus for this as ever.

I'm also tired of people being so fucking uptight. It's pretty fucking simple for me. I said nothing that should've been insulting. No one got maimed, not one got killed, no one's reputation was fucked up. If he thought it was rude and personal to ask, he could've just answered it so. But instead, he's making a big shit fit about this and even threatened to try to get me for harassment, because apparently asking a single, relatively innocent question while in a drunken stupor and then even apologizing afterward is harassment.

I should just keep my mouth shut fucking forever now I guess. I always seem to fuck up, I'm always in the wrong, and I can't ever seem to get anyone on my side or to even see things from my point of view. Fuck life and fuck people.

I feel bad because I still haven't gotten to this one thing that someone requested, but I don't think that he even cares anymore and probably forgot about it the next day or sumthin anyways. I had someone else start to make a request a while back (around the time of the "sibling swapping" pic), but I tried to get more necessary information from them and never heard anything back so... I mean, that's not a problem for me. If you wanted to have me do something and just changed your mind and didn't feel like pursuing it, no trouble.

But I'm finding it sort of hard to think of anything else to draw at this point. Probably because the alcohol has fried most of the creativity of my brain. And most of the very basic poses and shit that I wanted to try out I've already done. So if you have a neat idea, I'd love to hear it. I'm mostly looking for general ideas, but specific things about characters or what have you will work too.

Oh, I can draw just about anything except scat/watersports/cub and I have a slight aversion to the herm stuff (sorry, to each their own but for some reason herm is just one of those things that I can't wrap my sense of aesthetics around). I can do gay, bi, straight but for some reason herm is just something that I can't do. I can do the gory stuff but it would just come across as angsty or trying too hard from my hands, so take that into consideration.

Boy, I hope someone responds to this. The other journals I don't care about, but this one would make me feel like a real loser considering I solicited responses. *awkward laugh* No seriously, just throw some damn ideas my way. I'm bored and have literally nothing better to do with my life at this particular juncture.

Remember how I said in the last journal that I really had bigger things to worry about? Well, the shit hit the fan. I got a fucking 35 on a calculus test that was my last chance for pulling my shit together this semester. Funny thing is, after I took the test I was sure that I had gotten at least a B on the test because it was easy as hell. And you know what? It really was easy, but I made some stupid fucking basic arithmetic mistakes because the class is early as fuck and my professor is a mean dick, so he counted off completely for every problem I fucked up the arithmetic on, even though each step was clearly documented and it was pretty clear that I understood the subject and how to do all that integral bullshit, but you multiply here when you should've divided and forget to add a constant there, and suddenly you go from a solid B to a fucking 35%. What other professor or teacher have you had that can be that fucking harsh and what imbecile like me do you know that can find a way to fuck up elementary math in novel ways for a dozen different problems?

So great, I'm just one big fuck up all my fucking life. I need a drink.

So two reasons I will never buy that cheerwine shit again.

1. A few weeks ago I got some and it turned out to be diet. Most sodas have obvious 'diet' packaging right? Well, on the regular cheerwine bottle, they put the word "Drink" in small print above the main logo. On the diet bottle, they just change that fucking tiny ass word to "Diet". So the only thing advertising the difference was one tiny little word that started with the same damn letter. Same fucking color bottle, same exact arrangement of everything and the label and all, you just changed the fine fucking print on the bottle.

2. That shit stains skin like a motherfucker. I had some of that shit last night (made sure to check the bottle this time) and it gave me a bit of that glasgow smile look. Well, I hate that shit, but it was later, I wasn't going out on a Sunday night looking for trouble, so I just showered and went to bed. I got up the next morning, brushed teeth and showered again, then went to class. Came back an hour later. Looked in the mirror; that shit was still there. Like I was a messy kid or something. Hell, now all I needed was chapped lips, a runny nose, and sticky fingers to complete the image. How about making some shit you don't have to drink through a straw and look like a simpleton, cheerwine? Is the food coloring necessary? Won't the shit taste the same? And what about all of those other colored sodas? They don't stain anything you fucking retards.

You know what's really funny about this? I got so many more much bigger and much more urgent problems in my life right now, but this is the one that pissed me off.

I. Am. DRUNK. Again. Can you imagine how annoying I must be in person when I'm drinking the brass monkey? There's a point to this more than just LOL lOOK AT ME I'S DRUNKZ AGAIN. I just want someone to fire off some ideas to me as to what they would like to see me draw. Not necessarily full blown requests. I've already got one of those and I'm pretty focused on it right now. You may or may not see whatever stuff you throw at my brainz up here. If one of you inspires me, I will of course give credit where credit is due.

Note: I'm hammered, whether I want to go through with any of this may be subject to change when I awake in the morning thinking "what a faggot, I need to get a life and stop acting out for attention so much". Yes future self, I am MOCKING YOU. STOP BEING SUCH A BORE. LIVE A LITTLE.