Was nice seeing everyone at FWA, but I think I'm done with the con for the rest of the weekend.

I tried going to the vore meet and greet last night, and I was very excited to meet certain people I knew would be there but it was so packed that I felt like I was swimming in an ocean of people who "belonged more". Honestly, the entire con has felt that way.

People who already knew each other, no room to actually find people I wanted to talk to. It's sort of creating a cyclic emotional roller coaster right now. I think going to *ANY* event, as much as I want to in the moment, isn't entirely healthy for me, but that's also how I meet people, so I'm in a catch-22. It's hard for me to be in spaces with people who are already so ingrained in their own social circles. It can tip off that "you're alone and don't belong" feeling more than normal.

It finally hit me that I just don't enjoy furry events if I'm not fursuiting. The last several cons have left me depressed and miserable, and I'm certain that's why.

No more cons until I have a new fursuit.

Just wandering around watching other people have fun or sitting alone in a panel with no one to talk to is profoundly sad. I can't do it anymore.

The Fandom is nothing like it was back when I first attended FWA eighteen years ago.

I have no idea if I changed or the Fandom did, but I have no idea how to fix this other than getting a new fursuit and hoping that brings back the magic.

Maybe it won't and end up being a waste, but I might as well try.

Heya folks!

I’ll be at Furry Weekend Atlanta this year from Thursday to Monday. Feel free to poke me on Telegram if ya wanna catch up. Really looking forward to seeing some of my old friends.

Really awesome raffle going on for free dragon art!

Check it out!

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/51774321/

Wow! Took three years to get my lazy scaly butt to finally type out my profile info. Glad it's done though!

In other news things are going well back in the derg cave. Just lots of working and growing the hoard. I will be at FWA this year for any old friends(or new ones!) that wanna meet up in person. Please feel free to poke me on Telegram as the con gets closer. I've got my own room and I'll be driving myself and a friend down there from Thursday to Monday so lets make plans! :D

Obviously by all the action on this page today. Don't have a ton of time to explain all thats happened but suffice it to say I'm here again for the long haul. Will be redoing my page and updating everyone when I can.

So this has been a long time coming. I've been debating it in my mind for the past year or so but I think I'm finally ready to announce that I'm 'starting over' as it were. I should preface this decision with a backstory however...

So I created the name and character of Towyn many years ago, almost 14 now to be exact, and throughout that time he's gone through many iterations and small changes but at the core he's remained the character my 14 year-old self dreamed up all those years ago. However as of late I've become disillusioned with the idea of him 'representing me' as my fursona. Mainly because I'm not the same person I was nearly 14 years ago and numerous factors about his creation are no longer true of me. He was, to be blunt, a mask. One that I created because I was ashamed of myself and had no confidence.

While I've grown attached to the character over the years and don't want to see him go...I feel a change is in order. I've come to the decision that he's going to get a name change, and become just a character I enjoy playing. I'm then going to create a new name and character I feel better represents me at this time in my life. I'm sorry that some of my friends who've been really fond of him as I have might be sad to see that legacy go but I have my reasons.

I got into the fandom young, too young even, if I'm to be honest. I've made mistakes and while I've learned from them, those choices made by a naive teenager have followed the name and character of "Towyn" throughout the years. It's something I've a strong desire to leave behind, as I create a new future for myself as an adult with all the lessons I've learned through the time spent in the fandom. I know some may see this as running away from my past but after almost a year of it bothering me, I've decided this is the best course of action.

Now...in a few weeks once I've come up with a new name for my lovable Coydog and created my new 'fursona', I will be making all new social media accounts with that name and a new FA. I will list them in a journal here on my old account for a time before permanently closing it, so if you want to see where I went and to keep up with me, please follow the new accounts.

Thanks to everyone who supported me on this journey called life. It's been a wild ride and I really look forward to seeing what the future brings.

…to Ayn Rand. She may have passed 33 years ago but her philosophy and books still live on to this day. So happy birthday to one of my favourite authors and shaper of my world view.

Who is John Galt?

As the title says. Been having a blast trading and making millions of credits but it'd be fun to fly around with others occasionally too! Anyone here play? I'm CMDR Towyn on there. Based around Lave right now.

Yup! Turning 26 on December 25th. I'm getting ooooold! D:

Not that I expect any gifts but if you're so inclined(and I really appreciate it!) here's my GW gift list. >.> http://www.games-workshop.com/en-US.....tId=gl90461517

Happy holidays everyone!

Just asking to gauge interest but would anyone watch if I streamed painting my Warhammer 40k miniatures?

It's easy to lose motivation while I'm painting so I think an audience my help push me to keep going. Let me know if that's something you'd watch! :3

Wow! It's been awhile since I've posted anything regarding my 40k army…

Well now it's plural. I picked up a decent Dark Eldar force a few weeks ago and I've also been experimenting with new painting techniques for my Tyranids. Hopefully I'll have some more photos to post this weekend. I'd like to think I'm getting better at it.

Otherwise things have been slow going. I work 65 hours a week so I don't get as much time to work on my models as I'd like, but I should also have some updates regarding the custom table I'm building soon as well. Gonna be buying some custom terrain pieces from Frontline Gaming soon. Other than that I've been looking for more local players as only two people I know play and getting them out is like pulling teeth.

Happy Wargaming everyone!

So I've been playing this game since beta. Loved every minute of it. Now though I find myself in a bit of a predicament.

I've reached a point(veteran content) that would greatly benefit from playing in a group. Problem is literally ZERO people I know play this game. It seems unless I join a random guild and try to make friends in game(unlikely, I hate doing that) I'll be forced to quit playing. :(

Does anyone here play on the American megaserver? I'm in the furry guild there but there's only one other active member so…yeah. Looking for people to play with! I'm almost at the point of just paying for a friend or twos account so they'll play, since it seems most are discouraged by the monthly fee.

Where are you staying?
Main hotel.

What day are you getting there?
Thursday evening.

How are you traveling?
Driving

Who will you be rooming with?
 keeya and a few others

How is the best way to find you?
Look for me in fursuit.

Are there any panels you might be attending?
Not really planning on any, will play it by ear.

What do you look like?
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12678269/

Will you be suiting?
Of course!

Do you do free art?
Nope!

Do you do trades?
Nope!

Do you do badges?
No!

What is your gender?
Male.

How tall are you?
5'2"

Can I talk to you?
Totally! I love to chat!

Can I touch you?
I don't mind hugs

Can I visit your room?
Perhaps

Can I buy you drinks?
I don't drink alcohol.

Can I give you stuff?
Yes!

Can I hug or snuggle with you?
Ask first, otherwise I don't mind.

Are you nice?
I try. :)

Do you have an artist table?
Nope!

Will you be going to parties?
Depends on what I'm invited to.

Will you be performing?
Does fursuiting count?

If I see you, how should I get your attention?
Say hello!

Where will you be most of the time during the day/s?
Skulking around in fursuit

What/where will you be eating?
Dunno yet.

Can I come with you for food/fun/etc?
Ask me first but most likely yes!

Can I look in your sketchbook?
Don't have one.

Can I draw in your sketchbook?
See above.

Can I take your picture?
When I'm in suit, yes.

What's your goal(s) for the con this year?
Fursuit! Reconnect with friends!

When there is so little I enjoy in my life.

I don't know how y'all do it. The only things that keep my going most days are immersive video games/books/shows. Because they allow me the rare opportunity to live a life I actually enjoy, one that's worthwhile. In the cold realm of reality there's very little that interests me. No jobs that really call out, activities besides the aforementioned are dull and uninteresting. In fantasy I can actually "live" my ideal life. I feel the worst depression when I'm forced to face the fact that my fantasies will never come true.

I've said it before but I feel I was born in the wrong time period. This is such a horrible era to be alive. Too late the explore the earth, too early to explore the universe. Anything I want to do is impossible or at best highly unlikely to accomplish in my lifetime.

When people ask me what my goals/aspirations are I have to lie. Because the truth is embarrassing. You know what I want with my life? I want to own a starship, explore the galaxy, discover new species, planets, ect. That's my greatest goal in life. It's pathetic and will never come anywhere close to fruition but I can't help it. I just desire those things. I have no idea how people can just settle for the incredibly mundane lives this world has to offer.

As I returned to Florida as expected a huge wave of depression hit. I'm determined to finally work on fixing my life and 2014 is the year I say "fuck this shit" and start fighting back.

I've known for a few years now I have a multitude of issues, most of them personal and come from years of self-loathing and lack of proper support. One thing that this trip did make very clear though? I'm completely unhappy with where I live.

I've lived in Florida almost my entire life, yet I find that I've never been truly happy here. For a lot of reasons I suppose… I don't like the weather, the lack of mountains, ect. Though aside from that there is a bigger issue…

I have next to no friends here.

At least not any that I share a great deal in common with. I have a butt load of old childhood friends but with a lot of them it feels we don't share anything in common other than we went to the same schools and knew each other a long time. This is something I feel has to change. I'm constantly forced to censor myself infront of my closest friends and a lot of the time I feel I can't be myself except when I'm alone.

I won't pretend that this is the source of all my problems but damn…it'd be fucking swell to have someone I can relate to. Someone who I'm not afraid to discuss "weird" subjects with. People say that a big step in beating depression and mental illness is a good local support system but I don't have that at all. I don't even trust my family. I have one very close friend who I'm almost comfortable being open with but even then I hide things from him because he wouldn't understand.

At the risk of sounding pathetic…I've been alone for a very long time and damn it hurts to leave the place I felt most comfortable being myself. If I had friends like that here in Florida maybe I wouldn't be so desperate to leave but as it stands now? I want out of this hellhole.

Hey y'all!

I'm heading out to Atlanta for a week with my two best friends. Won't always have Internet access so keep that in mind if you need to get ahold of me!

For those who didn't see my twitter feed last night, the shelf holding my 40K army collapsed last night and nearly my entire army was broken into about a million tiny pieces. Still in shock. Months of effort and over $1500 of materials obliterated in a split second. I still can't stop crying.

Guess what fuzzies! It's that time of year again, doing my annual trip to Atlanta Georgia. This time I'll be staying with my two best friends, Jesse and Steve. Can't wait to see all y'all again! I've missed living up there so much! I'll be staying in Marietta from the 22nd to the 26th of this month. Hit me up if you want to hang out!

More and more I've wanted to portray Towyn as a girl. Dunno why really. Probably not a permanent change but for whatever reason lately I've felt more...feminine as it were. Just some late night ramblings, pay this journal no mind. :P

I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who responded to my journal before, and to all those who sent notes and made sure I was ok.

I really appreciate the support. I'm feeling better than I was when I posted that journal but to be honest that is pretty normal. I tend to have ups and downs.

I'm still not sure how I am going to tackle all my problems, many seem insurmountable to me and it's hard to not get disillusioned by the enormity of it all. I was going to detail everything that is bothering me in this post but there are some things that my better judgement says I should keep private. Suffice it to say that there's more on my mind than what appears on the surface. I'm trying to fight for my sanity and stay alive but it's an uphill battle and I don't know how long I can keep it up.

Thanks for the support
-Towyn

Then check out this journal here!

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5642490/

Price isn't that bad for an extra spot and every bit helps! Please give it a look!

…but I feel I have to get it off my chest regardless.

I'm 25 years old, I don't have any education beyond high school and I work a job I despise just to survive with a little bit of comfort. I live with my parents because I can't afford to be on my own. I suffer from severe, crippling depression that I have not sought help for(more on that later). My life is a complete wreck, I have no sense of self-worth whatsoever and I have spent the good part of the past 5-7 years battling with a desire to take my own life every single day.

That is in part why I'm writing this journal, in the event that I finally break and end my own life, at least there will be some sort of record left behind so people know why.

I haven't been without hope, I had for a short time attended college as a theoretical physics major. I dropped out due to complications at home but I maintained that one day I would go back. Working in the space industry has always been a dream of mine. A couple years later I was accepted into a private flight school. Another passion of mine is commercial flight so I was pretty ecstatic at a chance to turn my life around. Had to drop out of there as well, my student loans/grants didn't cover the tuition and I had no chance of making up the difference on my own.

I have many times considered going into therapy/psychiatric care. However I am hesitant to do so as I could ruin my life just as easily as it could help it. The stain of mental illness is one that never goes away. It affects your every day life, career opportunities and even friendships. I'm terrified that even if I recover that I'll never be viewed the same again. People will still look at me as that crazy guy my entire life. Every job I apply for will see it on my medical history. It's permanent and it leads people to mistrust and avoid you.

At this point in my life I can barely do anything. It's hard enough to get up and go to work every day. I've basically given up showering and all attempts at grooming myself. I just can't find the motivation. Even doing things I used to enjoy has become a chore. I just sleep, go to work, sleep, repeat.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel trapped this way and I have no one to talk to. I've tried suicide hotlines but I just can't make the words come out. I can only talk about my problems online for some reason I can't explain. In person I just lock up and refuse to speak. It's so frustrating.

If you read this than thank you, I honestly don't know what I'm going to do but I just want every one to know that I appreciate you all. I really do.

Hey all! I picked up animal crossing new leaf yesterday so if any of you have a 3DS and want to play here is my friend code. 5386 - 7788 - 2853

Comment or note me with yours and I'll add you back. :)

I keep my twitter updated when I have the gate open so check there. towyn

I totally forgot to keep this thing updated but let's see…

I finally decided I wanted to be a pilot and devoted a lot of time and energy to that goal. I can now proudly say that I was accepted into a very prestigious private Aviation college and will be starting classes next month. Going for my degree in Professional Aviation. Fun times. :)

The only real negative was that shortly before Christmas I was laid off from my job, though it ended up being a blessing in disguise seeing as how that motivated me to find a career path. Also my school schedule is so ridiculous I won't be able to work during it anyway so, it all worked out in the end.

I can't express to you all just how good I feel about all this. I'm very excited for the future. Who knows what it'll bring but I'm ready.

I don't expect many of you to read this, but it might just give you a little more insight into my crazy mind. 

A little known fact about me? I spend probably 50%-80% of my conscious hours in a fantasy daydream. Literally. In fact, I've been doing this for so many years that I've gotten very adept putting my body on autopilot. 

So how do I spend my other waking hours? Well I do one of two things. Either I'm planning out elaborate new scenarios for my daydreams(I'm serious, I will spend hours doing this) because I'm bored of the current one, or I'll be playing back past or future moments in my life, thinking of every single possible variable to determine how the event could've/could been/be. This is usually centered around embarrassing or shameful past experiences. I will obsessively pour over every single facet until I find the perfect way it could've turned out. Then repeat the scenario in my mind over and over again until I actually believe my own imaginary version of the event. It helps me cope since I tend to dwell on past mistakes for years.(I'm not kidding, I'm still trying to get over the embarrassment of things I said to my parents when I was 8 years old) 

I don't know if doing any of these things makes me some weird psycho or something but it's been my only coping method for years. If I wasn't so good at creating my own escapist fantasies I would've killed myself a long time ago. This is also how I stave off the depression concerning the pathetic state of my life as it stands now. The only difference being that instead of the past I create very elaborate memories of how my life could be in a few years, mostly centering around somehow amassing sudden wealth then pursing my petty dreams unhindered by the crushing reality of my actual financial status. These particular daydreams help keep my mind off of how much I'm ruining my real life.

It's now to the point where I'm almost not even bothered by my declining health/finances/mental state because the fantasies are so much more comforting to me that I really could care less about my actual problems. I always just sink back into a daydream and I'm happy again, why bother dealing with the real world?

Is this a cry for help? I don't know, to be honest it's getting increasingly difficult to discern which memories are real and which I just made up to forget a bad experience. For all I know I could've posted this before. I simply can't tell. Maybe that's why I tend to repeat myself? 

Hope this sheds some light on my strange behavior and helps you all understand why I act the way I do. Honestly since it makes me happy and keeps me from suicide, I really don't see a problem but...my inability to tell fantasy from reality can sometimes be frightening. 

-Towyn