So, now that the other journal is out of the way...

Some of my newer stuff will probably be a little bit more out there than what I've drawn in the past going forward. Not because I don't like the stuff I used to anymore -- I still love all things big and squishy! It's more so that I was held back a lot in the past, and now that I'm free and encouraged to enjoy what I please, I've explored a LOT more, lol

If you're an old fan and feel "I didn't sign up for this" I'm sorry u_u I hope you will still find some enjoyment from my work regardless

Long time no post, and I apologize for that.

Admittedly, I didn't ever think I'd really open this site again, but something in my brain wanted to post something like this.

I just needed time to heal and live life, I suppose. For the majority of the time I had been on this site, I was in a very unhealthy and abusive relationship. Along with all the other stuff I've had/have going on in my life, I needed a break from being visible online. I'm still healing, but I'm starting to feel a lot better. That's all on that though -- I don't wanna talk about it. And if anyone involved sees this and Feels A Way, I don't care.

I might go back to posting again, I might not. I'm not actively drawing a lot of furry stuff. Here and there, some for friends, and commissions, but other than that, my interests are in FFXIV right now.

If I owe you anything, firstly I'd like to apologize. I had a long period of bad moments in my life and didn't always do the smartest things. If you'd still like something from me, feel free to reach out, and I'll make it right.

Other than that, I'm gonna nuke all my messages here. I want to start fresh. I might go through my gallery and delete some things too, we'll see. I generally don't like deleting stuff.

That's all. If you're interested in following my work, I post my weird kink art to twitter: https://twitter.com/bigbnuuy

I've been here since the beginning of October. I was under the assumption that I would be getting my things that we shipped from our apartment around a week after we moved in.

Turns out that wasn't going to be the case. Turns out there was never an actual plan to get it.

We were told to have it shipped via Ubox to Washington because it would be cheaper by thousands of dollars than shipping it to Vancouver. We were told we could go pick it up since the location is about an hour away.

Turns out there's no one who can take us. I can't drive because of medical reasons. My fiance doesn't have a license. And I don't want to wait until he gets one. We were promised that we could be taken there.

My computer is in Washington. Everything I own that isn't my garbage fucking laptop (that's over 5+ years old, can't even run card games, barely can run chat programs, no way it'll run art programs. Plus I don't have any of my art files anyway) and my Switch.

I need my stuff. I need my computer to do work. I'm frustrated because for the last few months I have been told: "We'll get it this week!" "We'll get it this week!". Promise after promise broken and it's left me unsure what to do. I don't know anyone here and everyone that my fiance's mom knows doesn't have a passport. In addition, I'm stuck paying for storage for my things. Yeah, I'm paying for NOT HAVING MY STUFF

I'm really fucking annoyed, I'm stressed as fuck. I'm upset because I keep telling my commissioners that I'll have my stuff soon. I'm stressed because I want to get things done. But this isn't something I have control over. I don't know when I'm going to get my stuff anymore.

I'm going to start refunding people next month. I would do it this month but I need to go see my family for the holidays. I hope you guys can understand. Thank you so much, and I'm sorry for the trouble. I don't mean to have everyone deal with this, I don't know what to do myself. I'm sorry for the way this all went.

If it comes to it, if there's anyone in the Vancouver/Richmond BC area or the Bellingham/Seattle WA area who has a passport and could tow two Uboxes, I'd be beyond thankful if you could come help me somehow. We're in the Richmond area and my stuff is in Bellingham. We would be able to pay you, and we'll rent the truck.

vancouver, canada! it took me awhile because i was swept up in the rush of all of this happening. i had to have my computer mailed to us via ubox. it's here, but we need to wait until we can get people to drive us and then help us move the stuff. im so fucking tired of being on a shitty laptop. i cant do anything on this almost 3 weeks without an actual computer, im dying squirtle. if i havent been responding its because i dont have login information for anything saved on here x_x this sucks and i cant run too many things at once

it went well, our flight ended up better than we thought, nonstop. im still adjusting and honestly i kind of miss our apartment, lol things were a lot harder but we had a sense of freedom, you get me? it was our place. our first place together

but anyway! there's not much i can do until i get my stuff back, so if anyone wants a refund, please let me know. i can pay it back sometime next month! i know waiting can be a little annoying. but i do plan on getting back to work when i get my computer and tablet back. sometime this week i think!

thanks yall. this has been stressful as hell and i hope after i get my stuff i can settle down and feel a load off my shoulders. this past year has stressed me out so much, you have no idea

note: this last commission round will probably be the last. depending on what happens, the situation isn't as dire anymore, i think. but who knows! maybe one day. I have a few left I have to finish and then its ogre

ALSO IF ANYONE DID ART FOR ME OR ANYTHING IM NUKING MY SUBMISSIONS I HAVE OVER 6000 i cant stand it anymore. so let me know

My apologies to all my commissioners, I haven't really been around because I've been getting a lot of stuff together because I'm moving. I've been visiting my family a lot this past month because we're making a big move -- from Minnesota to Canada. We're heading out in early October. I'm going to get as much done as I can before then. If I haven't replied to notes, I'm sorry on that front too. Chances are I've been so busy I forgot to reply. I'll get back to you all as soon as I can! And I assure you, I still am working on all of your commissions.

https://twitter.com/sonic_hedgehog/.....09496898088960

Not that anyone was really surprised anymore. But at least we have word on it now.

Still hurts. I grew up with these guys.

Please don't shitpost on this journal, thanks!

Taking some to help with rent.

Sketch: 20$ base price. Additional characters are 10$ each. Coloring the sketch costs an additional 10$.

Lines + Flat colors: 40$ base price. Additional characters are 15$ each.

Full colored imagine: 60$ base price. Additional characters are 20$ each.

Price may change depending on complexity.

Please send me a note if interested! I will draw anything. There will be a higher fee for scat though.

After I get enough slots for rent, I'll close these!

the usb port is loose or something x: i cant get it to turn on unless its pushed in hard and into a corner. I can see it's a bit loose looking from the outside
yes, i tried changing cables, yes, i tried changing where the cable was plugged in
it's the tablet's usb port
i dont know if i want to risk trying to fix it myself

i bought my tablet off of amazon so haha... no warranty

just having a hard time right now.

sorry.

I'm not going to get personal or spill my guts, but thank you all for being so patient

i have been born today

I hate doing this, but we really need the help. We can't live here anymore, my family makes it very hard to live here with their views (that affect us), as well as just them having been so awful to me for so long-- continuing to be so. They've been abusive to me for most of my life, and are a major source of stress, affecting my health. It would mean so much if you could help us get out of here.

Thank you for reading, and even considering helping us.

https://www.gofundme.com/2tftjxgr

Yesterday I received a payment of 100$ to my paypal, and I have no idea why, or who it's from. If you've donated to me, could you speak up? I want to make sure it wasn't a scam.

There's a new build for the test of SAI2 (english ver) and it has a chance of breaking previous versions of SAI. If you want to test 2 out, be wary.

idk an update on Me
sorry I've been super busy I'm going to get to working on Patreon stuff because I owe but uhhhh and I'm sorry for not responding to things! Its hard to get energy some days... most days
I'm working on moving I'm finally getting out of my abusive household
I went to the doctor the other day after 3 months and I'm anemic, I also found out the surgery I have to have isn't as simple as I thought it was, it's a major surgery on my stomach. it's not for my gastroparesis but for my severe acid problem, I constantly have acid shooting up into my throat and it's wasting my esophagus away
lots of med switching... it's hard on me, I always get the side effects
I also have treatment resistant mental illnesses, something we've discovered after nearly 10 years of not finding a working treatment to my mental/personality conditions (*´ｪ｀*)
wish me luck

Midweek I got hit with a nasty bipolar depression swing, and it left me pretty much unable to talk to anyone
I know I said I'd stream more (I said I'd do a weekend stream) but it slipped my mind during my breakdowns
plus I'm having vision problems, I guess it's because my doctors are literally overdosing me on my muscle relaxer. Everything's blurry and I'm constantly lightheaded and dizzy.
So I apologise to people who were waiting for the stream. I'll try to do one as soon as I can. If you're waiting on commissions and replies to notes, I'm sorry about that, I really am. I just haven't been able to handle getting to things
I'll try to soon

https://www.patreon.com/zephyrzaivian?ty=h

If anyone’s interested, I’ve reopened my Patreon. I’ve nearly got all my work done finally. As always, be aware, what I post is very much a grab bag.

I have an infection and I'm really sick (*´ｪ｀*)

I was hoping it'd never have to reach this point. Because in all honesty, it terrifies me. It scares me a lot asking for money. But I need a lot of help. I'm drowning in bills and I can't do anything about it.

There's more on the story here, (as well as my journals, as you know) but if you could give a look, or spread the word, I would be very thankful.

https://www.gofundme.com/2go9h8

Thank you.

Ah, there's not really much to update honestly. But I figured people would want something.

I got my test results back, I also have very intense acid reflux, which constantly goes up into my esophagus. My doctor told me I need surgery to tighten the point where the esophagus and stomach connect so the acid doesn't keep doing that. It's kind of a blur, but that's what I remember being said. This will help my acid reflux, but that's it. It won't have any affect on the gastroparesis, and I still have to find something that I can eat and drink and work my way up. It's still a challenge, but at least something's being taken care of. My doctor thinks I have diabetes as well, so I have to be tested for that. She said that if I have it, the gp only gets worse. So I'm not really looking forward to any of it. All of my appointments are months off though, sadly. Gotta love the health care system.

I'm still pretty tired all the time, and lack a lot of energy. The dehydration isn't helping either. But I'm going to try to get back into things. I may not be the most talkative person though, I apologise.

Would everyone be okay if I slowly started to post art again? I'm still working on commissions for those that want them (but please, if you want a refund, tell me, I'd prefer to do that instead of make you wait), but sometimes I scribble. Most of my art is scribbles, I don't have much energy to finish things anymore, haha.

Can't be. I'm still waiting on those test results. Otherwise, all we know is well... I have gastroparesis. I still can't keep food or liquid down, and they still won't let me stay in a hospital. My doctor thinks I have diabetes (which is going to make this all worse), and that I might be having extreme panic attacks (she' thinks it's that, but I think it's just asthma) so I'm not... what's a word... I'm not thrilled? I was never thrilled. I guess I'm a lot less hopeful.

I appreciate the Christmas wishes, but Christmas left an awful taste in my mouth. I'm not going to talk about why, I think that's far too personal and I'm not about to do that here. But it wasn't fun, it wasn't pleasant.

This is going to seem kind of shitty I'm sure, but if anyone wants, I'm going to link my Amazon wishlist. I didn't really get anything for the holidays, and my birthday is soon. It's just something to consider, don't feel obligated, especially because I'm sick, please. I know it's probably going to seem like I'm using all of this to get things, but I'm not. I guess I could just use some cheering up. And people usually post their wishlists around Christmas and their birthdays anyway, right? I know Christmas is over, I know.

http://amzn.com/w/MG7FUMQG1QO9

Thank you.

I'll delete this later.

Hoo boy where do I begin. It's been a little while since I posted the last journal. But people wanted updates, so, when I'm able, I'll give them.

We finally got into a doctor who /cares/, and they scheduled 4 tests. I've only had 2 of the 4, but that's because the latter two are not something I can do with my health in the state it's in.

The first test, was a gastric emptying study. I've had this done a few years ago (2011? Don't recall.), it wasn't properly finished or followed up on. They redid that test, and found (just like they did last time) that I do not digest food, and if I do, it takes at least twice as long as a normal person to do so. I sat there for 4 hours, and food had not left my stomach. They assumed gastroparesis, and put me on meds for it. The meds don't work. My body seems to have a bad habit of failing to let meds work.

The second test was a pH esophageal test. Worst thing ever, by the way, I would never recommend it. I won't get results from that back until Christmas time. But they pretty much confirmed that I do have gastroparesis. I do not digest food, it sits in my stomach, and then I throw it up. I don't get nutrients and I'm losing a lot of weight, very fast. It's very reminiscent of in 2011, when I eventually fell down to 90lbs. I've probably had it since then.

There is no cure for this illness, all that can be done is some dietary changes to hope it helps, and medication (but so far, none of it's worked.) I go in to see a dietitian soon, but I feel like it's going to be trial and error.

I'm still trying, but I have to wonder how long it'll last before I fall down to being the 90lb person I used to be. I'm not very hopeful right now, I apologise. It's very disheartening knowing you're wasting away and there's not much to be done about it. In addition to the possible new issues that may arise from the results of the pH test.

My mom wants me to be taken into the hospital to at least be put on an IV again, but the hospital refuses to take me. So we'll see.

Thank you all for being concerned, and for being patient. I'm sorry for everything.

I'm writing this with what little energy I have today.

Rarely do I feel comfortable making my problems public, but I feel as if people, especially those waiting on refunds, should know. I am not trying to make excuses for myself-- I will continue to refund people as I'm able.

As things are right now in my life, well, they're not good.

Near the end of September, I went in to have a procedure done. For the month or so before that procedure, I had been having gagging fits. I would gag and gag until I either puked or coughed up acid. It was daily, it was affecting my living condition, so, I went to the doctor and they scheduled aforementioned procedure.

They found nothing.

Biopsies, nothing, the camera, nothing. But after that, for some reason, things got worse. In addition to the gagging fits, I now adopted constant burping, and the most troublesome addition yet-- the inability to keep down food.

Anything I consumed, even drinks, I would vomit back up. Literally everything. I went a week or two like this-- not eating, or trying to eat and puking it up. After my condition worsened, (strength fading, weight loss, you know, things that would happen when you're unable to eat for a week), I admitted myself to to ER, to see if perhaps they could find anything.

Once again, they found nothing.

I was sent home after several hours on an IV, to at least provide me with some of the nutrients I couldn't get. I was given tests, medications (which I promptly vomited up once I got home), and returned to this "life" of not being able to eat. They recommended I see a new GI doctor.

But it's been a week, almost two, since I was in the ER. Still can't eat or keep down food. I'm lucky if I can keep down water. As one might imagine, you can't... live, without being able to eat. I'm not doing well. I have no strength, I do nothing but sleep (or puke), I can no longer climb stairs, I can barely walk, and because of my already weak chest muscles, I can barely breathe. My time is spent in bed, and as this drags on, I lose my strength to even be able to sit at my computer.

Since this has started, I've nearly lost 5lbs a week. I can feel my body eating itself. And not only has this unknown condition affected my physical state, but my mental health as well. I was already a pretty... heavily mentally ill person to begin with. With this, I'm pretty much on my last legs. I'm beyond depressed, I have to wonder why I even bother waking up. I'm not going to go into explicit detail, but I'm... not doing well. I don't have the spoons to speak to people, I don't have the spoons to do anything, not even play games, let alone draw or anything else. I'm falling fast, and I don't know what to do. I feel hopeless.

I went to the doctor again today. We've gotten another GI specialist to hopefully help find out what's wrong with me (the hospital I was at is god awful). Because I can't continue on like this. I don't know how much longer I can last not being able to eat. If I suddenly disappear, I'm sorry. I've probably ended back up in the hospital.

I suppose that's the gist of it all. Please forgive me for not being talkative, I don't know if I'll have anymore energy to respond or speak today. I had blood taken earlier, and without food, that's drained me further.

I promise I'll get back on what I owe when things start to look up at all. I don't know when, but I promise. Right now I need a lot of money for my medical bills through all of this.

I'm sorry, for everything.

Forgive me, I've just gotten an injection and it's in my dominant arm, so typing is really, really hard, but I have to do this.

It's constantly on my mind, all the art I owe. And now I'm sure that I'll just never be able to own up to all of it. Maybe one day, but right now, I need to start fresh. I can't have this looming over me. I'll save all your emails in case I ever want to draw these things, but I won't make you pay again unless you want to pay, if that makes sense. I might draw your things some day, but right now, I would prefer working on this refund business, just in case I don't.

If you are on this list: https://trello.com/b/IGAjHTi8/commissions-list If I owe you art, please send me a note so we can work out refunds. I will refund everyone.

If for some reason you don't want a refund, you are giving me permission to keep the money and you are acknowledging that I am unable to do the art at this time, and you are also acknowledging that this is now basically a "donation". You may or may not get art.

If I've started work on images for you, (I think there's something for Elcid, a few sketches for Deloco, and then a near-finished picture for Sam, and my YCH from awhile ago for Blacktail, that's it) I WILL finish those, bit everything else, I am refunding.

If you are not included on the above list and I owe you are, please let me know. If you do not, you are forfeiting your chance at compensation.

I will not be opening commissions ever again, not in the near future. My health does not permit it. I want to start fresh, I want to feel good about doing art again. Because right now? I feel awful about it all of the time. It's not fun anymore. I hate it.

I'm sorry to everyone I've let down. I feel like a let down. But I just can't take this anymore. I don't want to deal with this.

Send me a note with your paypal email, how much you paid, and we'll start to work this out. I can refund smaller commission amounts first, but some might come in plans. I can't give out a lot of money at a time because I only get so much a month, but I will eventually pay you off.

Thank you for your understanding and continued support. I hope that I can start posting here again, and that I can start drawing like I used to.

i cant really make much progress on commissions. ive finished some, started others, but ive not gotten as much work done as i hoped. and im tired of it. im tired of not only feeling like a let down to the people i owe, but im tired of... not finding pleasure in drawing anymore. honestly i hate it. i hate drawing, its not fun, i will barely have a day where i draw. hell, I can go a week or two without picking up my tablet.

life isnt better, it isnt worse, but i sure as hell constantly feel worse. im planning on surgeries soon, i have a shot in my arm in the next day, in my dominant arm, wont be able to draw anyway. thinking im going to shut down/close my patreon next month.

i just cant do much anymore. and its sad, and im sad.

if i owe you, please, please let me know if you ever want a refund. ill try to work it out with you and get it to you asap (my money isnt what it used to be, medical bills and all) but i dont want to make people keep waiting for so long. if you want to wait, that's your prerogative, but i cant guarantee anything.

Thank you all for being so kind. and supporting me in the past.

I hope I can find myself again and be able to draw with the excitement I once had.

bad timing on that harddrive failure-- i did manage to get it fixed though. ive been slowly working on commissions and patreon stuff (im so sorry for the delay) i ended up getting a really bad uti, as well as a *cough* time of the month problem, I have endometriosis and it's not been kind to me. lots of tiredness and sleeping. this blood loss isnt good for me, i think.

ill do my best to get work done in the meantime, but i have to prepare for my trip-- if any of you are going, you can find me under my MLP alias, Red Ribbon. If you want to meet up let me know, otherwise I'm probably going to be doing whatever

Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/zephyrzaivian?ty=h