This is basically just for me to have my last journal off the front view.

Worked at McDonalds, still got kicked out (homeless light again because I could afford hotel room weekly rates, if just barely), got moved to another city I couldn't adapt to and tried to walk halfway across a bridge, moved back to my preferred city while still retaining a McDs job throughout and tried the bridge idea on July 4th but couldn't bring myself to get on the barrier (there's a sign about suicide prevention leading to that bridge now, so that's a bit of good impact I've had at least) that was also my resignation leading to 3 days of homeless heavy (couldn't afford hotel/motel, so park bench sleeping), proved to be so mentally broken that I finally qualified for SSI, and... Thanks to the financial stability I've had an apartment for the longest ever.

Things have improved. The financial instability was what was leading to my active attempts. Even though I still feel useless/worthless and have ideations, they're small enough I can just apply my set rules to negate them from being actionable. Got back into tabletop games, to the point we're meeting every other Saturday. Great friends have helped getting me things I needed for the apartment. A windfall allowed me to get a gaming PC and that has done a metric ton to keep me vertical.

That's it. I'm no longer a threat to myself. The little writing I do is collaborative efforts via Space Station 13 gameplay or tabletop games.

Thought I got better for a bit, but now every single moment when I'm not actively doing anything distracting I get the weight in the chest. It just take 2 seconds and the attempt of self worth just drops me to the point I feel I can't set up straight, so I drop my head to the desk/fridge/wall/whatever's around when nobody can see. Only when nobody can see. Don't know what conditioning I went through to not openly show weakness, but I think it's damaging me as well. I just don't know anymore. I have an appointment on the 19th at the local Behavioral Mental Health facility (BMH for brevity) and I'm hoping I can... I don't know. Not break down? I just don't know. It feels as if something is about to draw to an end, and not one that's going to turnout good for me if something doesn't happen.

I've basically given up looking for a job. When I fill out the applications, I just don't get any responses. When I check up on them, I get nothing. And now I have to avoid anyone that serves food because my hair is starting to fall out. Tomorrow I'll see about getting a ride to the courthouse to see about working the polls, but thanks to my "need" to be distracted I might have fucked that up. The whole job thing is partially what brings on this spell. I keep trying to think of what jobs I'd be good at, and now I'm just turning up nothing. I don't have the stamina for the labor positions, so I'd flake out on them like I did the last time for Wal-Mart. I'm not exactly a social person, so most other things I can't do either. Hell, I'm not fast, so I basically don't have a chance anywhere. Unless it's like a door greeter or something. Then at that point I just wouldn't feel like I'd be getting anything done and probably quit. I just don't know any more... I'm not going to claim I'm smart, that left months ago.

I'm seeing a personal spiral and the worst part is I don't know how to force myself out of it. I can think of all the reasons I should: to become less of a burden to my best/only friends, to help with my physical condition (which has been going down the drain since a year ago when I quit Amtgard), to improve my mental health, etc. I just don't know. This is the same crushing weight I get when I start on an application, only amplified. How did I get through this before? What was driving me? I just don't know anymore. That might as well be my catchphrase: I don't know. Used to be that I would just say it to give myself time to think, but now... I just don't know. I'm going to go read through these to... Fuck if I know. Maybe decide on whether I should print them to take with me two weeks from now.

I hope I can make it to then.

Emotional warning: I have yet fought my way out of what feels like a pontoon ride of depression, having slight rises and steady drops. So go ahead and resume your FA browsing elsewhere. I might not actually share this to my circle of friends, but I will leave this up on the off chance that this might actually prove to be therapeutic to share...

Now the complementary spacing to help prevent unintentional viewing if you want to skip this.







































Now for the rest of the story....



Since I've written last if you call this writing I have gained and lost another job due to me physically becoming incapable of fulfilling (Wal Mart, Lawn and Garden Sales Associate). The first one I had, which I had failed to mention, was with Subway as a "Sandwich Artist" and, well, it will be explained in detail soon. I'm basically doing a recap of my year to date...

The Subway Starter
For the year at least...
I wasn't doing good at Subway, but I wasn't being totally incompetent. Or at least I hope I wasn't... Anyway, I was hired on through a friend's personal referral because he know s the store owner, and I did work my ass off every day I worked. Sometimes to the point when I got home I had to pop ibuprofen just to get to the point I can be in just enough pain to sleep the work day off. The problem was I just couldn't get all my duties done on time, and I rapidly lost the confidence (which I heavily feigned in the interview just to get the job) I started with. The primary issue was I'm just not fast, and I know the manager noticed it. I was slowly improving (I doubt anything I do is fast anymore), until I was hit sideways by a blue falcon employee. I come in and there's a line halfway to the door, and once I get clocked in and start getting orders filled out, she tells me her relief will be in 30 minutes and she is off the clock. Now there's a new guy whose glasses are almost always falling off on top of being stupid slow having to solo the store during a rush. I had three customers walk out while in the middle of the line, but the line didn't diminish at all until her relief finally got in and it was tackled in under 15 minutes. Once that happened, the savior of the day did a check on the drawer and found that it was about $25 short. Apparently I was supposed to do the one minute immediately after I clocked in, but that was not covered during my half assed training. At the end of the next time I was scheduled, the manager who trained me had me put on suspension for basically 2 weeks due to the drawer coming up short, and little miss blue falcon had supposedly been issued the same punishment. The manager who trained me was fired almost immediately (the next day) after I was put on suspension by him. At the end of my suspension (I called in every week to make sure I wasn't scheduled), I wasn't even on the schedule. Which lead to my previous journal. Good news is that supposed friend didn't follow through (he hardly does what he says he'll do anyway, but still) and I got a new job after a temporary break. Which leads us to...



Walmart, Still the Uncaring Megacorp
Okay, so this is slightly unfair since the location I worked at was better than other locations, and on the surface they showed that some feeling of caring. Got hired on in April, and basically floundered through training, annoying those in the department with so many questions because I didn't know what we had and what we didn't carry. I was tasked to mostly outside work, and that meant the heavy lifting of dirt. Didn't help that I wasn't licensed to work a forklift yet, which might have accelerated my back degradation. Long story short, Walmart doesn't issue back-belts, so you have to buy one on your own if you start to realize you need one. Long story short (the details are so monotonous that even I don't care to go into detail about) I'm now in near chronic back pain and without insurance for the time being. It's been at a steady 2 and only escalates when I get out of bed or been standing for too long.



The Now
That "friend" basically gave me an ultimatum, get to work or start doing professional grade cleaning around the house (one look into my room... God, my station is a mess...), or he and the rest of the house will rally to have me removed from the agreement. It's been a month since I quit Walmart, the pain hasn't left (I'm rationing the medications that the ER prescribed me until I can at least get some income), and for two years (I reread some of the previous journals, dear god, I had hope 3 years ago... How do I get that back?) I still haven't won that fight with depression. Hell, I've sank deeper and deeper. I thought I hit rock bottom, but now I'm not sure... Two hours ago, just before I started writing this, I had this sickening idea:



What if I'm in a hell?
I mean, it made sense to me when I started this. Have some very minor successes (I was young, stupider) to build some sense of hope, so that later on in life one could keep trying. Now almost every project I start ends in failure. Every victory now brings the dread of failure, which becomes the self fulfilling prophecy. It would explain why I have failed those previous suicide attempts. Now I think I avoid them not only because I'm afraid of what might come after, because it truly is an unknown, but there might not be an after and I'm immortal. That is my greatest fear, to be unable to come to an end. It doesn't help that dreams don't even give me good scenarios. They are always just some impossible events with even more impossible actions; things that just can't happen because I have yet found how things are structured in the world, if there even is one...

In the tabletop games, I feel good because I have some understanding on how the game world works and can feel safe to a degree, thus setting a goal I know is obtainable. Here in reality, I can't set a target. The only one I had was the Army, and when my shot fell short right before I hit the target, I thought I could ricochet off the ground and still land the mark. Now I realize that I had merely plowed deep. I was so fixated on that one goal I didn't set a back-up, a fail-safe, and it's just... I'm fucking 27 with a aching back, a fucking ankle that is basically a ticking time bomb, and I'm so afraid of setting a goal because I just know I'm either going to get lazy and ruin it or life is just going to beat me back to this depression. Doesn't help that I'm a lazy ass who is apparently afraid of doing work for some god damn reason.

Ugh...

Been in the here and now since stating the fear of suicide. And I just don't know.
Just typing to get this out of my head, you can comment with answers or suggestions. Hell, I think I would like some. If you don't want it public, just Note it to me.
I already know I'm just too fat and my body will not be in any condition to re-up, so I'm just forgetting the military option for good and resign to being just some CoD or ArmA fuck-face...
But where do I go from here? With my current... Mindset? Mood? Method of thinking? Whatever it is, I'm afraid to set a goal. I tried to just get a job and then go from there, but without something else to bounce into I'm just going to either land back here, deeper with even more time lost... Hell, I can't even dwell on this at all, because I need to start making progress, not even a week can be allotted to this...
How do I make myself at least feel like I'm worth hiring? I did a personal assessment of my skills just to find I don't have any. I can't write (as evidenced in my Scraps, paperwork is a nightmare due to my handwriting and I'm just so fucking slow at it because I just constantly check up on other shit (as example I'm in hour 3 on writing this), physical labor is out thanks to the back and ankle thing... Getting on a rig (tractor-trailer) is out until I get my license, which my... Shit, I have been failing my battle-buddy through this whole time as well... Hell, last week I think it was, he gave me a speech on how he feel he's on his knees and sees me just laying on my face, how he's going to help me to get on my knees as well so that we can start pushing up to get to standing so that we can get our lives running again... Now I'm in tears. I actually closed the door to my room so that no one walking by can see me crying. I just never thought I had my life running, that I've just been coasting through life like I'm seeing so many kids these days... I'm seeing them as kids, not as peers like I used to...
Have I already wasted too much time to be able to recover from this? The end of the year, I'll be 28. I've already accrued college debt from 2 years ago (which I lazed into failure as well) with only 3 credit hours to show for it. Interpersonal Communications and Intro to Sociology 101, both with Ds because I just don't do papers and I can prove competency via testing, and an A in EMT Basic, which I did on my first semester and failed to get certification because I was too proud to ask for help on getting the funds for.

I just realized that it sounds like I'm begging to some audience... Maybe I am... I feel really sorry for that one guy that has me on watch that actually logs on this site... For the last 4 years he's got some intermittent journal notifications that my ass has been putting out, but then again, he has 1.7k people he's watching, so I'm probably just some background interference on his notifications...

If you're actually reading this, thank you for making it this far through all that crap. I'm sorry if you actually read through it all, and even though it sounds like it's orchestrated (at this point it does) to be fake, it is painfully real. I know there's literally thousands out there that have it worse than I do, and that I'm just some whiny... I don't know, entitled ass? I probably do feel entitled... Sorry, typing what's on my mind again. I've just turned off the filter for now and you're having to endure more... I'm probably not going to act on this if left to my own devices... Hell, I already know I won't, and that just depresses me more in a pissed off way... I'm just going to end this before I have to put any more possible (probably nonexistent) audiences through this shit...

Again, deeply sorry if you read through this...

[First edit, immediately after creating: Added more spaces to the spacing and actually gave it title]
[Second edit, maybe a minute after previous: Formatted so that the questions are actually easier to find]

5 months ago and I didn't improve. Hell, I've even gotten a job (and lost it) since then, and it kept be distracted for a month before my own poison ruined it. I'm 27 and can't keep pace to be able to functionally work at a Subway... Fucking fast food is too hard for me... This coupled with what I thought as one of my closest friends wanted to go behind my back to get me kicked out of the house-sitting agreement. Thankfully the others were set against it, but just hearing that shut me down; to the point that I actually got the serious idea to try to end it all... Obviously I haven't, but the means were in my closet and I had a round squirreled away in case of intrusion during a time I'm in or near my room. Self preservation kicked in and I asked the same guy that caught me crying to remove the temptation. It wasn't easy for me to ask it. Hell, it felt like a personal triumph to have them stored in my room. To have the strength to be able to confidently be near firearms and not have to worry about the suicidal thoughts.I keep telling myself I should go back to therapy, but time and time again I just... Forget? Blow it off? Maybe I'm avoiding it... I don't know anymore.

Honestly if I could go back seven years, I... I don't know... I mean, I would still have my chance at the Army, but failing that has led me to find great friends. I mean I would've made friends in the Armored Cav unit I would've been in. Hell, I would've made friends in the tank I'd be operating with... But that's just a route that I would never know... I rarely delve on the past, it just sucks too much, and when I do dig it up, it just keeps getting farther and farther back... I've only recently been looking back because I just don't know where to go from here. Maybe by looking back on my past failures, I could avoid these mistakes in the future, but they tallies are getting awful high and the options are disappearing well before I can find them... For an intelligent person (or I used to be at least), I'm one stupid son of a bitch...

Disclaimer: I know for a fact that nobody EVER checks my profile on this site, so I feel that I can safely post stupid emotional shit here without fear of it leaking out, so I'm going to do so. If you're bothered by it, then you might want to stop reading now because there's a bit of if. If you plan on using this as a weapon against me... It's a bad plan.













Last chance to go away.


















Here comes the sap. Don't say I didn't warn ya.









I've gotten into something of a stable living situation for the next few years now through a house sitting contract (I've been practically homeless for the last 3 years, going couch to couch literally), and I share this place with 2 other families who are my friends. Admittedly, I can count my friends on both of my hands, but they're there for me to a point. I've been here since late May and I feel horrible. We're barely make the bills and I'm hardly a help when it comes to financial means due to me not having a job in the last 5 years... I honestly think that the major gap in work history is what's killing my employ ability, since I've been applying like crazy, but no one will hire me. Hell, I got an interview only because of an automated process, and even then it didn't pan out. Compound that with some Amtgard politics has finally driven me from the only local sport in which I could find some fun in any more has really dragged me down. Now let's throw in that I had a verbal confrontation in which I had to repeat the same sentence at least four times with one of my oldest friends. The reason this is mentionable is due to the fact I hate to repeat myself more than twice when I have been heard. After that got cleared up, I figured I'd play a bit of Battlefield play4free to cool down... which drove me to just Alt-F4ing and going down to the basement to the punching bag. There was the right glove missing, so I merely wore the left one upside down and gave a few jabs. Well, since my martial arts training was 6-7 years from my last attendance, I forgot how to punch properly and my hand started hurting that's when it happened.

I had an emotional breakdown, and I feel horrible about it because I didn't squirrel my laptop away so I could listen to music and not just sit/lean there in near silence. Then when the silence got to me (after 15 or so minutes), I went back into the public area of the house after checking myself out in the mirror so it wouldn't be obvious, I was an idiot and pulled up Blue October's "Hate Me" to listen to and... The fucking water works kicked off again. I was raised in an environment that taught me that you NEVER cry where others can witness it. It was silent as long as I didn't have to talk, though mucus was running out my nose and I just couldn't keep it off my face. Then the only male extrovert in the house decided to check on the job application I was filling out... Now not only was I feeling like I just had been emotionally kicked in the face, now I had the humiliation of it being witnessed... I know it takes a strong man to be able to cry in front of others, but I can't bring myself to be that strong. It's actually getting really hard to remain as strong of a front I've been holding up for a while now. With Robin Williams falling to the same problem, I just don't feel I can remain so. That doesn't mean I'm going to go and off myself. Trust me, I've already tread down that path before and all it did was land me in therapy and the realization that I'll just survive it again, and just couple that with I couldn't put that kind of pressure on my friends and family, along with whomever finds my corpse.

What drove me to the breakdown was what this title is about actually. I can never finish anything meaningful in my life. My list of actual achievements is practically nonexistent. Whenever I get close to finishing whatever I start, I just give up or ruin my chances at success. It took me hurting my hand (I'm fine, just extremely minor pain that didn't last at all) for me to notice it. I dropped out of high school my freshman year; couldn't keep a job for more than six month in a row. Hell, that included the Army. I made through 11 weeks of bullshit, and right when the finish line was in sight... I broke. I ruined my only chance at fulfilling my dream of being a soldier by... I don't even remember any more... I know I did though. Then there was the counseling/therapy... If the sessions were too close together, they became redundant, but if they're too far apart, they became forgotten. Now with the Amtgard thing, I dropped from the Chancellor position because people aren't getting what I need to me and I just don't want to fight it anymore, not to mention the assholes who don't take their hits and Kingdom breathing down our necks for a full year now... I'm just tired of it. Amtgard was never the game I wanted to play, it was just something like Dagohir or Belegarth so I wouldn't get rusty, but due to my sense of honor, I played by the rules all the time, even against people I knew weren't...

That's not the only thing driving me nuts now... For about a month now I've had an ad on Pounced.org and LoveFurry, and I haven't gotten any responses that I felt I could honestly reply to. In-fact, I've only gotten one, and I just wouldn't feel right replying back... I also think that I've subconsciously poisoned my chances with the way I wrote them... I don't know how to fix them because they don't seem that bad to me, but something deep down inside says that it's true. Hell, I even had the balls to reply to someone's ad on Pounced, but I think she abandoned it and has the notifications sent to spam by the time I had a chance to respond... Probably wouldn't matter anyway because my message probably stunk of desperation and self poisoning anyway. Throw the fact that I just don't know how to get around my social anxiety, I don't know how to do this shit...

That's all I had burdening my chest before going to sleep... If someone actually reads this... Well, congratulations making it this far... Thanks for not poking fun at me or something... And if this is attempted to be used against me, I have a metric fuck-ton of psy-op games I can play while making you look like the dick you are...

Thanks again for hearing me out...

The Seven Army Values.

I was first introduced to this concept in February of 2008, when I got my handy little BCT manual (which got me all the way through Red, White, and Blue phase of training, and almost got me though Gold) the first night there. They were among the 3 things we were to memorize before graduation. (Why? I honestly think it's to instill their values, and/or the Sargents found it hilarious. To this day I can still sing "And the Army Goes Marching Along", but help me if you expect me to repeat the Soldier's Creed.) After the years, I didn't honestly think about what kind of impact they had on my life. But last week I went with a National Guard buddy to his armory post, I saw them again for the first time in 5 years (about a year after the time I would've re-enlisted if I could've) and went down the list and jokingly tried to find one that my roommate followed with no success. Then, as we were waiting in that hallway, I looked at them again with myself in perspective... Didn't phase me much then, but just looking them over that second time planted that seed in my mind. Three days later, as I'm trying to fall asleep, I find myself reflecting on them. With the realization that they were important, (and that I wasn't getting to sleep until I get this out) I jolt up and began typing this.

Loyalty: Never giving up on your friends, family, etc. No matter how much hell you go through, you'll have to answer to them in the end. God knows I've been somewhat negligent on my family, but I know they love me and have my back, just like I love them and will charge through hell itself to protect them. If it wasn't for them, I would've probably tried suicide attempt number 4 by now, but the thought of merely disappointing (more) them forces me to strive on.

Duty: When I was asked to explain this years ago, shortly after my discharge, I couldn't come up with an acceptable answer for myself. Then it hit me in my mile-a-minute maddening attempt at falling asleep. To strive to complete the mission despite the opposition. Look at every hiccup, road block, speed bump, etc. as something to overcome, not as an excuse to give up. To risk sounding cliche (more so anyway) when you give up, you're not just wasting your own time and efforts, but those who helped you along the way. Even when you think you're fighting alone, you have the support of your past experiences. That doesn't mean every goal is guaranteed for success, just that you should strive try all other alternatives before giving up. Which would lead onto Integrity, which is later in this.

Respect: Now this is one that I have trouble bringing to words. It's more than those small gestures of etiquette we were taught to show when we were young. It's not showing that you're "morally superior" or that you're "better than" those you help, it's an altogether different mindset. It's helping others who are having a tough time, not for any personal gain, but to quietly repay those who've done so for you in the past. I've been down... Well, basically since my discharge, and there has been countless times which I've had friends help me out, from helping move out of an apartment I've been evicted from because I can't hold a job, to simply getting me a Dew during a walk. I personally believe I can't pay them back enough for what they've done for me (and that won't stop me from trying either), but every so often, I've seen someone in need of help, usually some kind of car trouble. I can't remember how many times I've shoved some vehicle out of a ditch, or hung around and chatted with them until someone can give them a jump, or the vast many times I've changed out tires. Every time I've refused payment. I've literally turned down an $100 bill when I couldn't afford my $50 rent, which is partly due to Honor, but to (for lack of better word) extract a promise that they try to "pay it forward", which is basically doing what I just did, help another person in their time of need.

Selfless Service: Wow, the last part of what I went on in about in Respect should really go here... For brevity's sake, re-read Respect, though I've almost broken my back (sometimes figuratively, others literally) fulfilling.

Honor: This one I remember the quote from the poster, "To do what's morally and legally right." This is one of of the Values that I uphold to practically self damaging ends just to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not hate the man that I see. The way I see it, someone with honor doesn't look down on others, but sees them as equals. Honor isn't some outdated part of chivalry or Bushido, it's your ability to, regardless of station (standing in society, rank, title, whatever), roll up your sleeves and get done what has to be done, not because of some reward, not to ensure your own self worth (which regrettably, I do), but because it is the right thing to do.

Integrity: Be a person of your word, I guess. Be the kind of person that when they say they're on it, you can count on them to try, and should you fail to be able to carry through, to have the guts to admit that you can't and still strive to get it done. I feel I'm actually at the point in life where all I have left is my word. Even then, it's degraded some, but that's through sheer laziness and apathy to be honest. It's only a small deviation, but it's one that I know will take a lot of effort to overcome. To be honest, if you can't be trusted to keep your promises, what can you be trusted to do?

Personal Courage: I guess every bit of the Seven Values have been leading up to this. I keep trying to think on how phrase this, and I fail to bring up something I haven't. I guess it's the willpower to through and be the fellow who constantly does the right thing despite the fact that they might be the one who stands alone doing it. To not be defeated by the "I'm just one voice" opinion I've been seeing lately. When it comes up, just remember what effect one person can have on the world. One man gave vast majority of people respect for what they have. It was one man who taught a nation what it means to be hurt. It was one man who taught the world that evil can be overcame, and it was also one confectioner that brought us lovely individually iced cakes that could fit in cups so we can enjoy them on the go. Remember, just because you might be alone, you might have supporters willing to stand up when the hate starts flying at you. All you merely have to do is look, and if I have anything to say about it, I'll be there with a smile, a pat on the back, and a baker's dozen of donuts and a case of Mountain Dew to help you weather the storm. (If you don't like either of them... Well... I'll try to bring what we both could enjoy, but no promises of me knowing/remembering beforehand, and I have a notable transportation issue of lack of license and vehicle, and lack of personal wealth, but I will do my best to help!)

Well, kinda scrapped my story line. It's not that I can't think of material for the bulk of it, because that hits me at least once a week. It's the opening, the start, The Cataclysm. My last idea fell through because I didn't realize that Mexico was already going through a rebellion, and would devote more attention to that than getting back at us. Outside of that, I couldn't think of a different country that would ruthlessly get their society under control and use this moment of pure chaos and confusion to get back at the prominent superpower. Of course my writing style will translate back to the days when war was simple, nation versus nation, country versus country, man versus man. Now war is fought not over tangible things such as boundaries and resources, but ideals and power. Now I don't know what would spark such a thing... What would unite people to a banner, a face, or a goal? I just don't know. Now it will have to be on an indefinite hold until I can locate that draw, because the initial spark of the 2nd American Civil war was to be fundamental flavor to the story, affecting what strategies were adopted, what which region felt about those that were forced through the change, and how the resistances fought the main power of the region and with what. Now I'm back to the drawing board and social observation, I guess. I honestly don't know anymore.

And then there's what's going on in my life, which is little to nothing at all. I used to be a Live Action Role Play enthusiast and combatant, but a recent injury (3 weeks ago, I think) might have crippled my ability to partake and fully enjoy that as I've used to, while I'm currently the safety officer and person to make sure games are going on every Sunday. Couple that with a recent (and current) bout of depression, and things just seem to be spiraling in the down slope (though that may be the depression speaking). I currently feel I've completely lost the drive to put forth the effort to make the game fun for everyone else, which is something of a requirement of the position. Safety is the easy part, just make sure the foam weapons wont poke out an eye or something, make sure there's enough padding that the core wont stab anyone, and mostly make sure that the games are being held in an area that wont attempt to cripple the other players like it did me. The rulebook makes that the first few bits easy, and the rest is just careful observation of the lay of the land. Couple that with my recent drop of completion of courses in college (which shouldn't have been a problem if I wasn't lazy about it), I really cut down on the things to look forward to.

The reason I chose this medium to voice my woes is that most of the people I actually interact with actually look here, so it feels safe to let it out here and not have to worry about the physical conversations that are awkward. They usually go like so: (In quotes is my friend(s) with my responses in after) "Man, so I read your post on [insert whatever medium that they frequented and have me friended on], and I hate to see ya like this. Why don't we go out and try to cheer ya up?!" Really, what is there to do? "Well, we could play that Amtgard thing, you like doing that." Thanks to my ankle injury, it nearly cripples me for two days if I'm not careful. "Ah, well... We can go see a movie..." We both know that neither of us can afford it. "We can play a video game at my place." I'd rather not, we barely have the same taste, and then there's usually not enough controllers or systems capable of playing them so that all involved could have fun... "Well, we could just talk about stuff..." Oh, well I think we are, and at this point we'll be talking about what to talk about, which we typically have little enough in common to carry through a meaningful conversation... "Oh yeah..." Sorry for dragging things down... "It's not your fault man, hope things get better." Don't worry, you know I always have pulled through before, this is merely an emotional speed bump in life. I kid you not, that's how they usually go, it just takes more words to get there, and I try to keep the downers to a minimum. I'm typically the person who can't stand to see his friends down and tries to brighten up their day, usually at least attempting to get a genuine smile out of them, and then proclaiming victory once the smile has been achieved. Then things typically improve while I'm around after because the general mood of the area has brightened.

Yes, although I know that this may be viewed by other people eventually, it will hopefully be long pass that point in which it would be meaningful to leave a comment. I'm not exactly asking you (the reader) to not leave a comment, but please know that when I'm in this mood, I regret even letting people know because it feels like I'm dragging them down with me, and that's the last think I want. What I wish to see is that those around me have better times, that they enjoy themselves and those around them. I actually go out of my way to see this to happen. Although this makes me look like a doormat, rest assured I've got a solid backbone, and that I let not a single person trample on my ideals, which are relatively simple and hard to offend. If there's one thing I'd like you to gather from this, it is that no matter how down I feel, how out I'm out, is that when I say that I wish you all to have a good day, I'm not filling the empty silence with just as empty words, I really mean it. And that if there's anything I can do to make it better for you, I will try, and if I can't; I will apologize and do my best to see that it happens anyway.

To those that have made it this far in reading it, I thank you for listening to my rambling, and I really do wish you the best of days. Even if you skimmed through it or just scrolled to the bottom, I thank you anyway and wish you no less. Please, enjoy the times you can, for they will help bear through the times you can't. And if you ever need help, just let me know, and I'll see what I can do to make it better.

Well, nearing the end of the year and it's been eventful to say the least. I've lost an apartment for the first time in my life due to financial reasons, actually started a literary project which hasn't even gotten as far as much as I liked, and I've finally got off my lazy tail and decided to forgo my dream for the time being to continue my education. I'm now signed up with my local community/technical college for an Applied Science Degree in Fire and Rescue Technologies. (Fancy wording for fire chief certification.) Taking that course so that when I start on other fun things like Information Technologies I can have way to earn income.

Work on the story is basically stopped until I work out where to put the description that's required for it to continue. Been thinking about it off-handed and when I went through and reread it, I realized that a lot of times I typed that I was half asleep and corrected them... And there was a lot of errors. Won't be updating it until I at least have a new, shorter title so that it all can fit in the space allotted.

If any of those who don't even bother to read this are concerned, I'm not homeless. In fact I

I've finally found the creative part of me that allowed me to surpass the previous block and actually get some legitimate sections completed, but due to lack of money and other problems, I'm losing my current apartment, which puts my story on a indefinite hiatus. For those who actually read these and are interested, I'll upload what I have so far in the scraps section of my page for y'all to praise or destroy, but it'll be there non-the-less and probably act as a teaser for what's hopefully to come.

Haven't exactly got a long-term location for my residency, but I'll eventually get something worked out. For now I have temporary solutions that will suffice, and hopefully I can get a form of income and ultimately another place of my own. Thing's aren't the worst they can get, but I'm in a pretty bad spot, but I'm doing better than a few people out in the world.

Read my work, give me feedback! If you think I could do this for a living, remember that what I have has been the use of my available computer time that hasn't been used to relieve stress over the coarse of 3 months.

Alright, I know I said I'd be writing a series of short stories, but I've hit something of a snag... Before I can get to work on actually typing the... Let's go with a generic uckers for now, just add a letter to the front of it just to keep this journal rated E, for Everybody who might complain. Anyway, I decided to start working on the back story first, to help explain at least some of the causes that leads up to the good effects... Ok, and some of the bad effects too.

If your wondering where I'll be placing this, I'll out and say it's in the United States of America. Actually I should say within the borders of what used to be the U.S.A. Currently researching a few aspects that just came to mind, although on the actual writing part, I've hit a wall with a description part that I'm totally inept at, so if anyone's good with taking possibly vague details and turning them into something more usable than "dude totally looked like he was in pain from that process was/will be described earlier/later." I'd totally give collaborator credit, and they'll be a major help in actually getting me past my major weakness of describing how certain things look, only able to describe how they emotionally feel and what causes it...

Just posting this as is makes me feel that it shouldn't be worth posting, so I'll add another topic... Well, I could say I'm a military specialized person, but that's a little too specific and vague at the same time. Due to me being the way I am, I won't expound upon the military part. I will say that I am a gamer, and I've played numerous games, both audio/visual and pen-and-paper. Video game wise I do tend to prefer shooters, especially ones that include armor (tanks and artillery). Pen-and-paper games I tend to favor games with solid mechanics, past that I'll play just about every thing, although I'm getting a little tired of World of Darkness (by White Wolf http://www.white-wolf.com/ ), both old and new. I currently have an actual group that game at my place, but due to personal views on politics based games like Vampire , I don't participate in them, so I'm willing to join any forum based ones. Due to not knowing when exactly I'll be able to get on the web, I wont be able to join any that are based in real-time chat programs.

Yes, you can label me as a nerd, but just wonder what kind of person would think that Basic Combat Training was totally fun, even though the he felt that the Drill Sarges were going way too easy on his platoon. Yes, now I seem psychotic, but hey, I'm finishing this while fighting off sleep deprivation, so I can be afford that. Anyway, story's on hiatus until I either get some good references to start on my own, or someone jumps up and becomes a crutch that will probably be used at least once every chapter/story... Will hopefully have at least Chapter 0 out before winter.

If you're interested helping with this problem, send me an email (r5g8e1@yahoo.com) and I'll get to talking with ya as soon as I can.

Ok, I've just finished hashing out the map that I'll be using for my series, which I finally got a name for. If you're reading this, then you're probably slightly interested so I'll just out and say it'll be "The Honor of the Brave" and it'll be modern-esk warfare. Maybe some point soon I'll have the map with the borders on it, possibly with the introductory chapter. Since this will be my first series/story, I will try to keep yiff out of it, but making no promises for further down the line of the series.

I already have what style I'll be writing in and I almost have all the details I'm after down so I can probably get to the meat of them soon. Here's hoping I don't fail and lose stuff.