Okay....alot of shit has happened so ive been "dead" since...last year lmao. All in all its good since my mother and stepfather moved out and my brother and his pregnant "wife" moved in. Ive been on and off about drawing but im willing to give it another shot. Uh...i really feel out of typing these things so...yeah ill end it here? :(

Back for the time being.

Yeah...its not pretty either...nuff said...

back sort of..

PLEASE READ EVERYTHING BEFORE YOU COMMENT SERIOUSLY!? ITS STUPID TO SKIM AND NOT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK "THIS GUY" IS TALKING ABOUT!?

Oh before i forget, if you dont care at all about this shit then why the hell are you even reading it!? Are you that bored you have to go and torment people who dont even know and most likely dont want to know someone who gets kicks out of putting others down!?

Ok before you even think of...oh lets say...go all "For gods sake grow up and stop spamming the this site with emo journals and stop causing dra-" Okay before you even finish that sentence; Calm your fake ass down and ...think ok....and listen or read or whatever I DO NOT MEAN TO CAUSE ALL THIS SO CALLED DRAMA OKAY!? Oh my mother fucking god...thats just unnecessary stress that i dont MEAN to cause by these journals...

I mean this is my page and last time i checked journal were used for ALL SORTS OF THINGS!? Venting, expressing feelings you cant irl, venting, keep secrets from whoever...not that you can here that is..., venting..oh and more venting...seriously I need to grow up...oh please shut that shit up and clock back for fucks sake your wasting your time getting all hyped over something that has nothing to do with you what so ever their are over more than what...so many billion people in this world? So i mean...who gives a fuck about you....only the one that loves and you knwo they love and they know they love and vice versa but other than that no one cares so shut that shit up please im begging you do you want me to get on my knees and suck your dick while whining and begging you to stop all this nonsense!? I mean seriously ill do that shit if i know for sure you will do it but i cant do it so i wont do it.

But what gets me the most is how people say they dont care YET they make a big deal about it...and here i thought you told ME to grow up...>.>

Ok anyways... yes i am pissed and its over a sterotype....about gay people that was directed to me today. I mean i was so fucking happy today i was actually dancing around the house to my dance,trance,techno music ("oh but I dont care about that") (Tough fucking luck if you decide to read this journal for whatever fucking reason you can fucking think of you must want SOMETHING!?

Furthermore let me tell you something about me...I...me..myself....no one else i know....cares about certain people and certain and at the same time i dont care about certain people and things so....cant it be safe to assume im human?

But yeah ok..get this...so my aunt told me i had a flat tire and so did somone who was outside at the time on their break. So the manager this guy for some reason people still think I like says "Oh you cant change a tire.." (note this was after i was asked if i knew how to). I really didnt think much of it i just insisted that i did but this is where i figure its a gay stereotype. the fact that he says "Well i know you dont want to get your hands dirty..." Im like ("WHAT THE FUCK" >.<; ), this where it starts to go down hill and i put on my moody bitchy face <insert retarded look here>

So after that i just got madder and angrier with him whenever he came near me or anything like that or said anything to me, but no this isnt where i get mad...this is like...right now at the this moment...I think it over trying to sleep and here its 3:54 am and im ranting about the fucks of the world. I mean i know this guy...if i would have said some stupid shit like that to him he would have blown a gasket or whatever, Point is...and this is what all this jumbled up stuff of a journal means. If you..yes you as in "you" yourself want to talk about how somone and no not just a gay person but a labeled person in general how they wont do this or cant do that...think outside your god damn "box" I mean the way he said that me like all gays dont do well in manual labor....man if people knew how many fags do it >.> Thats why i see why alot of people keep all this shit like this all bottled up like i used to, I mean at this point i just want to eat the shit out of anything that has a pulse...my height or above, a male, and whatever preference they choose since people choose the shit liek its a choice or whatever.

I mean all this shit you hear from other people and then people who've grown accustom to it tell you to "not care about it" I sit here going..."are you a dumb fuck of something?"...if it were that simple to just not care about what other say when you know damn well we all grow up in different environments. If it were that simple you wouldnt have even to see all this shit now would you..WOULD YOU!? God just irks my nerves!?

PS. Okay...everyone here is not stupid so i know you know that you know how to NOT LOOK AT IT IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT RIGHT!? So if it clearly says "rant" then dont look if your gonna say bullshit comments about its plaguing the site and shit..and last time i checked...theses are my hands....and my mind..and my body you dont own any of this right here...so dont think you can just say some long drawn out explaination when you could have saved your so useful energy in pawwing off!

PSS. K maybe i am slow on the up take on this and a few weeks back or more maybe a month i would have typed this up in a journal but I know why most of you dont like me because i did the same shit to my boyfriend...I made you feel liek and look like an ass and thats why im not lied, I did that for so fucking long its not even funny to begin with!? but seriously i will say sorry now...but if you think that you can just say some shit and think i wont take offensive actions to it...when you have nothing at all to do with it period..first...i begging you to "Please shut the fuck up!" ...second.. "Stay the hell away from me" I should have blocked a long time ago but my god people are insane they keep bringing the same crap up for no reason whatsoever!? And before you even think of saying "Well you do the sa-" No you shut the fuck up and you listen here...the only reason and i mean THE ONLY REASON i even type theses journals is because its better than me punching holes in walls and kicking kittens and driving down the road 100miles per hour running down anything in my way right...RIGHT!? I mean seriously yes maybe i do have a anger problem and yes maybe if i grew up in a better environment then maybe...just maybe iu would have all this anger pint up inside me but FOR FUCKS SAKE!?

Does any of this have anything to do with you at all...this is for me...myself..if you read this then thats on you has nothing to do with me then if you take offense to this when i never spoke your name in if...and to tell you the fucking truth AND...AND IF I SAY YOUR NAME!? I can see if it was your real name or something but my god peopel this is the internet you make up names no telling how many people in the world could have the exact name as you seriously!? No you cannot just figure out that im talking about someone on this site when i clearly name a site you 've probably never even heard of...my god!?

Just...FUCK...ARGH I SWEAR IM GONNA CHOKE A BITCH!? <insert anger management program here>

Oh oh oh and before i forget...Im fucking sorry if this clearly pertains to youa nd that you realized i was talking about you when i dont even know you...that is all (no ims eriously sorry if it does offend you....)

no just bye....ill sumit stuff but thats all no communicating anymore on fas..its stupid...

Well my anger continues to grow and i lashed out at a person on my msn and now they will leave my general attitude alone until sunday in hopes of me getting better.

But what they dont know is that yes I am pushing them away because i dont feel like having my feelings for him to get in the way of my anger...

Plus he made it worst by doing that shit...thanks alot sliver...thats just great....

It is because im tired of keeping quiet about all this rage and hate for all of you....

Ok this is a rant..a real reant not some pansy...(oh this and that happen..please hug me) bullshit rant...

Oh fucking k...this is whats going down....

I dont like this place (henderson) Im fucking tired of it and the shit that goes on here people do not come here at all they will infect you with anger and hatred for others. I mean Ive had so much anger and envy and hatred for people build since highschool...4 mother fucking years of pure hate...

It sat idly waiting for a time to come out and I now just figured it out.

Ok people talk so much smack and bullshit here and get ready to fight each other over stupid shit I mean come the fuck on grow sme damn balls and just leave that shit alone.

Im fucking tired of people looking down on me because im gay....its so fucking wrong to be gay and shit....plus the fact im black and have a pacemaker and im weak... I mean come on people need to shut the fuck up with that bullshit.

Not to mention all this fucking drama here, in henderson and on fa....its fucking annoying its so fucking easy to just leave shit be now that i figured out what all these feelings were...

I mean it takes little things to make it grow and then big things to make it over flow....Its liek a fucking diease here full of anger and hatred and drama...what the fuck is wrong with thos epeopel and you people!?

So fucking whyat if somone is saying shit about you, let them do it dont fucking stoop to there fucking level just because they talk all this smack about you when your not around.

The people here and fa look like flith in my eyes i just shake my head at those who let this shit get to them so fucking easily...and for those who havent flipped off yet I applaude you for having so much faith into think people will change....

I mean if people just elt shit go then it will be easier..yes its fucking hard to do it but you have to figure out that it doesnt matter if they do it..if you arent close to them like "that" then it shouldnt matter...if you are then you have your way of handling and I have my way of handling it and if you ahve a fucking problem with it then you tell me directly that "Hey Dishan I dont fucking like that you do this this way and that that way...do it like me so we are the same..." WTF!?

When your hearts hurts with every beat from all this stress then you can talk shit and smack I dont fucking give a damn anymore you guys sicken me....no im not leaving im just being straight up with everyone if they cant fucking figure out to just let shit go and grow some damn balls then they arent worth it...they are insuggificant (so i fucked the word up..bite me!?) incest that should be wiped out of existence....you people just argh...

I fucking thought I had fuckign control over all this shit Ive always thought that maybe just maybe It was just random anger surges or something...but now It this place....

And I want somone irl or here to push my fucking buttons I will devote my life to making your life the most worst possible and for real if you dont think I will kill you I fucking will just fucking try me Im tired of it you arent even worth it if you talk smack and crap...

I thought that if i had somone to listen to me but no..they dont...so fuck you henderson...fuck you fa...and fuck you world...all of you are worthless bugs talk shit and what not Ia know you will thats all you guys in this fucked up world can do you cant even be a true person you have to be somone else...not yourself..

Im sorry but you guys need to grow some major balls....the world needs to grow up...

COCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is all...thank you *bows and exits stage left*

Dont you fucking hate when you try to talk to somone and they act like you dont exist and YOU know they know you...its fucking messed up man.

Plus your just trying to patch things up...even though they were at fault for fucking usoing you yet you feel their sorry ass should have a second chance.

I mean what the hell did I do, your the one who used me for some perverted sex thing, and then just break my heart and tell me to forget about you and look a year later and I still try to talk to you..pathetic...so fucking what.

Ok i know i wasnt suppose to type "these" kinds of journals but man...its stuff liek this that just sets me off. I didnt even do anything wrong and yet Im justa no fucking body in thier eyes now that they have the two peopel they have been wanting for over god knows how long.

Maybe im overreacting but i honestly dont care at this point im literally tired of this shit. Tired of worrying about whether or now somone is mad at me because I was "truthful" about how I felt and stuff...

Im tired of worrying about people and thier lives, tired of wanting to strangle half of the people I talk to for the things they say to me at times...

Im also tired of all this non sense that happens here...Im the one who needs to grow up YET.....yet.....they are the ones who bitch and moan more than me about needless shit...

Yeah if I was the "popular" artist Im sure id get hate mail and the like for speaking my mind....oh well thats the way of this fucked up world correct...Im sorry but im losing faith in humanity...yes I know "not all" the people here are liek that but...it seems liek they are growing in the masses...

This is probably jibberish to those who dont know me and to those that do they are going...

"Like omfg would this little bitch of a fag ever shut up!?"

or....

"My god what a bastard, theres no wonder he has no friends...the guys a baby *laughes with thier stuck up fuck buddies*"

or...on a good note...

"Tram......grow up....please...this shit is getting annoying and im getting tired of your passive aggressiveness....im sorry...but I cant take anymore Im blocking you for good...since scraing you with fake blockage didnt work...."

*two minutes later*

"Hi tram wanna rp?"

So yeah this is utter bullshit...i mean its like im covered in it and all of "those people" (omfg a black guy said "those people" he must be a racist nigger!!!!) are the flies that fly around it...

Im sooooooooooo gonna find a way to shit on all of your faces one day....I cant wait till that time comes...

Stop talking about me.....i cant stop sneezing...^^;

Hm..just some deep thinking.

Ok get this....I dont have anything to really say in this journal...(OMFG THE WORLD IS ENDING!!!!!)

But yeah right now im just typing as I think about random things.

1) You know people who "act" like they have an alternate self then apologize for their alternate self for doing so....its weird. *shrugs* just my opinion...just that its weird to me...DONT GO FUCKING ME IN THE ASS AND MAKING ME YOUR BITCH NOW FOR SAYING THAT!!!!!

2) Do you guys like to keep your relationship's out of fa...like yeah you mention them (not name wise) but the fact that you have one....so that no one can start drama. Thats what Im doing I dont want him getting angry at me for annocing it all out there. Besides with a site like this...I just dont set well with telling everyone my....status XP


3) Do you guys find it odd that people who "dont" wanna start drama tend to be the ones who do it the most? I mean I try to stay out of it, and ive only failed at tryignt o cause drama so why bother right? So yeah I find that very odd...

4) Oi do you guys think its weird that most people on here depise others for thier....sexual preference...myself included!v (yes i said it....just bend me over and rim me good why dont you!?) Well the reason I'm not as fan of biseuxality (me being gay..go fucking figure) is because of the people that have been fucked over by bisexual guys (and the girls that are biseuxal liek the one at work seem to just want sex altogether..she even said (because she said she was a lesibian) that she would do a guy if he have a big shalong). So yeah I know Shale said guys are users but I mean not ALL of them are and Im pretty sure he didnt mean everyone guy.

5) Hm...something else....ugh...brain..work!!!!!!!!! *farts* much better now my brain can work better after all that gas build up in it XP. But seriously, one thing that tends to get to me is my inablitity to trust and yet trust somone. I mean I trust people without wanting to. That just gets me even more wound (wowned) up is the fact that I get attatched to them. They bring the vunriable me out and they end up seeing past the shell I try to hard to not let break. So that leads to me getting to close and then you say one thing....one thing I dont liek and it just shatters like glass infront of me...literally whenever that happens i picture that happening in front of me...seeing you in the glass and it shattering...

6) *ruffles head* UGH must think of more to say!!!!! Ok, so those who say my art is good. I seriously dont think its nice to lie to me like that. I mean yeah I think its good from time to time. But sometimes I find it hard to look at it and think "wow I did that..arent I awesome...?" Thats when I see somone posting WAY better and Im like..."... fuck it this is horrible....*loses will to draw* ^^;

7) *stretchs* Alright, I honestly dont think there is anyone on here I "hate" or "dislike" them to want to them to just die and burn in hell. Yeah people who wanna yiff 24/7 and when they hear about you knowing a non-fur guy that has a huge cock and they get all.."fur name!!!!!".....really now....Jake did that and I was goign wow on my end >.>;

8) I guess you can say I do have balls to call people out now, Im just doing this to prove that thier are people on here who can point people out and regret doing it but still need to make a statment. Like lets say...who...who oh who should I say something mean dna nasty about!? I know!!!!! My....>.>......<.<.....^^ bf! Hes so nasty in bed and is mean when he denys me access XP (Im kidding IM STILL A VIRGIN YOU GUYS UNLIKE MOST OF YOU I KNOW HOW TO KEEP MY ASS CLENCHED AND MY COCK IN MY PANTS!!!!!) yay!!!

Well I think this is about it...*shrugs* I know im gonna get "screwed so hard the cough up all that cum you let loose inside me" LOL...Im bored >.>...back to Eternal Sonata!

Ok im not getting mad or anything but....>.>

Ok its hard to put how I feel about this. I mean techically you dont have the right to....well..."get in peoples business..." >.> I mean if they let you thats fine and all but...this seems like something that will try and pry to much into others lives. Yes this may help..but it can also hurt if you go about ti the wrong way with people..the same thing doesnt work for everyone. I mean the person that is doing this I dsont trust him that much still I have the balls to say that Im giviing him a chance....

Ok the may thing that gets to me is most of these things about "members will not jugde others for....so and so..." That shatters everything because you cant really tell what people are thinking no matter how long youve known them..."online" If youve been around them often outside of the interent then Its all fine and dandy as far as I see it. But yeah seems pretty hard to tell peopel they cant jugde when its a part of todays society....

(Hell I dont like bisexuality and im gay ^^;, well with some people, that and alot of the fetishes seem...overexaggerrated... *shrugs* Im just pointing that some people have the balls to say that...since I dont have friends to lose it s easier to say that *sighs*)

DONT GET ME WRONG!

I love the fact that they are trying to start this...Im just worried about the waters they will trend in >.> You have to be careful what you say... Because if you say......*sighs* if you say you will do this or that...and dont do it....repeated, you can make them hate you for lying to them. Even if you cant do it because of this or that, some people like...em...well they get stubborn and will try anything to prove that you arent worth the effort of trying to show them that THEY are worth the trouble.

Ok I know this is all my opinion...and maybe Ill become a member soon after...just to observe to see if it truly possible..because lately Ive been trying to help people and it hasnt worked so Im on the end of just going around pointing my finger at every single one of you and saying... "fuck you...fuck you...fuck youa nd your dead family....fuck you and your..."shitty" life...fuck you and your rapist for a father, fuck you...and...FUCK YOU!!!!!"

But yeah....ill join....I think it can help...just for the memebers to becareful...seriously you guys that join or are in it already. Just...be careful what you say....

Im sorry if this sounds....ridiculous or something...but this seems like it will help and hurt many people, some people that join will hurt people...by bring there hopes up so high and shatter it like they were nothing...and you wont even know they will do it until it happens. *looks away from you all* You guys have done that to alot of peopel for kicks...but those people have either taken thier lives or gone mad....or....turned into "you".

*sighs and tries to picture that one moment of tranqulity from so early in the morning*

Even if you feel that you are helping...if they say "BACK OFF YOU FUCKER I DONT CARE IF YOU ARE TRYING TO HELP THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS YOIU CANT AND WILL NOT DO ANYTHING TO HELP ME....YOUR JUST GOING TO FUCK ME OVER LIKE EVERY FUCKING OTHER PERSON!!!!"

Just...back off...dont say anything...if they log off..its most likly so they can let thier fumes loose... (its sad Im giving advice about giving advice....did I make a funny???)

I for one when I get angry or pissed at somone I do the following in this order....

1) I just use one worded responses out of annyance and aggrevation...

2) I feel you are oblivious of the angry and daggers im trying to stab you with, I tend to fly off the handle at things you say that I dont liek in general like..."pussy...or..."I so wanna fuck this girl so bad..., her jugs are so big.."

3) This is crucial....if you are bi and Im pissed at you I will question you about why you like girls and what not (yes im sexist about girls in a sexual way...i honestly think its happened after I started getting fucked over by bisexual guys..) I will probably ask whats so good about them..and there...pussies...I will then responsed with a one worded response such as..."oh"....this is where the waters get harsh and deadly...

4) If you are bi and Ive done the following to youi mean ignore me...IGNORE ANYTHING HARSH THAT I TYPE...BLOW IT OFF AND DONT SAY ANYTHING!!!!! Because at this point I will be in tears of rage if you say something smart or witty liek "Well im not stopping to like girls because you want me too" (I literally go wtf because thats not what Im trying to do....)

5) No one has mad this angry before and I hope they dont but....I do anything to get to you just to beat you to a pulp....spit on you, stab you....maybe even jerk off and cum on you in public after im done, call you names that probably wotn even make sense....youll know when im pissed irl if you see me glaring in any direction and my lip twitchs into a snarl at certain people....(*sighs*...its mainly at couples....hetero....couples...*looks away*...its shameful I act that way....)

6)....You are dead....and Im in prison for like...ever....simple as that *shrugs*

Im just saying this because I dont know how other react to stuff over the internet and seeing as the ineternet is like....my home...getting hurt here hurts just as much irl...if not worst....so yeah sorry if i was too vulgar about it....just a warning....

But yeah if any of you are interested in join pm the guy behind it for further information and maybe you will become a "savior" to others as to how he puts it *chukles*

Go to...  Anti-Drama_Llama_Movement or... otakuman24 for more info....

And people..please...im begging you....dont give up but learn to give space...when you suffocate them....thats when its get hectic...

And thanks to whoever reads this and actually gives thought to it...like I said its just my meaningless opnions on the matter and oddly...advice (odd im still trying even after so much...)

~  Tramular

It weird...you wake up...and open your laptop....thinking you were late on getting up early just to do something....naughty.

It when you realize your way to early and you get up out of bed.

You walk out of you room...past the bathroom, across the living room....

You walk into the kitchen and look...outside...

You blankly at it...it seems normal....but then...you realize this...sensation wash over you...your heart...it flutters...its in awe at the site...

All it is gray....just the aftermath of a rainy night.....it was so....beautiful...

Not because of the boat sitting in the yard wet and...overly used, or the trees having that damp look to them as traces of water froplets cascade from the branches..

But the sky...

It was so....gray...

I dont know what to say the, i see it often but today....it was...beautiful....

Im at a loss now....I mean, I dont know if it feels right anymore. To just live like this. My heart yearning for something but I can't put my finger on it...its not even on the tip of my tongue. I feel so...empty...nothing is there....I can't figt the feeling of letting it consume me.

That dreadful emptyiness, eatting away at my very being...it hurts...makes my chest burn. But not as painful as I thought it would be. No one here interest me liek that. I guess thats why my only option is for long distance relationship with people....but technically this is my first major one.


Maybe...maybe there wrong...maybe I dont deserve them....not the other way around, dont....dont get me wrong its not like im givivng up or anything. I just feel that....Its beginning to get stressful, frequnent headaches..more of them at work...getting madder at people by the second.

Jealosuy getting out of control...did I even love you to begin with...yes I must of but...why does it feel like I did it out of desperation?

I want to just crave more scats into my body...just drown out the other pain. *sighs*

Everything is going away..all these feeling s are leaving me...whats wrong with me..something else is wrong with...I must be a deseperate fool to think anyone really loved me.

I still want to just be in your arms and get held by you but.....what then?

what so fucking great about bisexuality anyways...?

so they are far more commen than gay people..still...seems like greedy peopel ton me...not all of them of course but the ones that are j=horny like..always its fucking annying..just seems liek users..yeah im going to get maimed for typing this jounrla..go ahead an rape me now...

"alot of em are fucking selfish cunts"

"They only care about showing their cocks and getting them sucked to whatever... Lots of em don't even like dudes"

"hey just wanna say a lie, get sucked, Say it was crap, go straight, and mentally murder a gay guy"


man..its true so much it hurts...headache much...but yeah i feel the same about the guys who are bisexual....not all of couirse but you get the jist hopefull...

Yeah I have been thinking about it lately. And frankly if I did die I dont think anyone would miss me to be honest. Besides the fact I whine and bitch alot about this or that and Im consider so emo in this damn fandom. Not to mention I have proof that Im not liked says one of my masters pets. Just because I dont believe hes a good person. Minus the fact that he told me about all these things that was so wrong with his life when I didnt even ask. I hate it when peopel try to out do each other in even....life situations! Thats just attention gainage Im sorry.

But yeah Ive given it alot of thought and I honestly dont think I would be missed seing as there is not much to miss. If only one person Id think would miss me would be my bf. Everyone just seems like they force themselves to try and help people. Just to prove to themselves they are useful or something. I mean hell I wemcam and paw off for guys on cam every now and then to feel like Im loved. Sad right?

I know there are quite a few people who do care....I dont know if I believe them or not...I just knwo they care..to some extent. But then again I whine and bitch alot so people get tired of my hard headedness and just scoff and block me when they get tired of it all. Pitiful if you ask me. Like a waste of space on my contacts list if you complain about my complaining. I dont I m just going on and on about stuff.

AND I know for a fact some people will be like "oh id miss you tram/rade" and other bullshit. I just dont see anything else but being with my bf as worth while. What if i did meet you guysa you'd hardly start a conversation with me being all shy and quiet. Plus I dont feel like embarassing myself over trying to get to know some of you "friendS" of mine.

So yeaj I wouldnt e missed...Im not talkign family wise because they are well family...if you were my family id think otherwise but you arent...your not close to me...you havent touched my heart...you havent shown me whats worth in life just told me your stories and it "figuratively speaking" goes in one ear and out the other. You havent helped yet helped...i say you helped but I dont knwo if you really did help i just think you helped me out. I dont know...

So I guess I lied to you all when Ive said youve helped me because I dont know...Im just glad I atleast have the balls to say that like others who say it and dont back it up...

I dont stand up for myself..I mean at work im considered a women from what one of the twin managers said, Im weak...like guys....have white nails (they grow liek that I just cut them ok..nothing else so please dont go all anal on me). I was considered the cry baby of my class (2008) I stopped myself from crying in my 10th grade year of highschool. I try not to cry every now and then. I mean yesterday I almost cried because I truly felt what it means to feel empty. I wish I had so much anger..so much hate for all of you...I wish death upon you all and yet..I like all you guys..weird huh.

Its just one of those things you think about from time to time. "Will I be missed?", "Will they even care..?", "Am I worht the bullshit..", "Why do they have so much....resovle?".

Theres alot more I wanna add when I get back from work....but yeah...I dont think Im worht all the stress. AND FOR GODS FUCKING SAKE SHUT UP WITH THE "oh...well...my life is worst than yours so I should get the ateention" IM not doing this for attention for what ever the fuck you think. This is my way of venting in a way so calm the fuck down and go fuck somone in the ass or get all those whores for friends pregnant and move on I dont need you self indulged pity.

But yeah...Ill try to add more because Im sure somone will say soemthing to me and make me go off the deep end...

******************************************************
{Added on because of the bullshit I have to deal with it at work...}

Ok so this is what happened at work, As fucking soon as I step on the floor (behind the counter...if you didnt know...) Tasheka told me about how Elijah (the new manager from..whatever) was talking about me before I even got here.... Im like WTF did I do to make him say shit about me behind my back. So Im already fuming over how people are.

Then christina (one of the twin managers) kept telling me to smile while i was nearly on the verge of throw the food out the window at the customers. And I just twitch my lip like Im attempting to do it. Elijah is asking me whats wrong. Then an hour later this is where hell breaks loose. Randy the (general manager of the restaurant) calls maria the (cashier) at the moment over and tells her about christina saying that her and elijah were kissing holding hands and etc (you cant do that with employees). So then he does the same to elijah and now they are both mad at christina and imleda (her twin).

So christina is taking her anger out on me yelling at me to SERVE!!!! (you press the button to get rid of the order on the screen if not and the numbers are to high..its just a bad thing i dun know...) and then gets me even more angry and then this is where I nearly break down in tears of anger and hate. I screw up and order...and the way she looked at me set me off. She better be glad shes a women...(though i wonder sometimes...) Man....staring daggers is an understatment as to how i felt around her after she looekd at me liek that..she didnt have to speak just look at me.

Then her twin yelling at me to serve and shit...elijah whispering how he wants to smack her..the customers honking there horns....man.....I fucking hate this bullshit makes me want to kill them..rip them to shreds i want them dead all of them i dont care anymore...not ONLY that but the girl who works there tried to hook me up with this flamboyant fag at work...man i didnt even fell liek listening to her or him...wanting my phone wtf...should have got it bent him over and raped him...omfg....this is just ugh..all in one day....i need to start carrying a pocket knife to work. "SERVE DISHAN" is all i hear and im ready to kill them...man not to make it worst but they started asking whta was wrong and i just ignored them and shit...and not to mention they kept trying to apoligize to me and i just wanted to push them out the way and just run away....serioiusly...i fucking at that place now....so much tension...god i felt the angry radianting from them...ugh...

when somone post a journal and it says "journal deleted by the poster" all the time doesnt that mean that person blocked you? ^^;

this is kind of why i get pissed aout bisexuality...its just that yesterday i found at that my friend got well...dumped....but the worst part is because the other guy didnt liek the sex so im like....o...k...WTF!?

I mean hell if you just wanted to "experiment" with your sexuality you didnt have to use him like that..thats seriously messed up...

and sorry if this offeneds some of you, and no its not like i dont hate ALL bi's just the ones who liek to use for thier greedy sexual desires and think its ok to just end it when thier bored with the person male/female..."oh im done fucking you man/woman so...peace!!!"


sorry "unnamed person" but that shit is messed up i hope you feel better...even if you are used to that shit its not right man....

"yeah im sure id porlly do anything if i felt loved,even if...it make be fake...love..."

and its true...

yeah im curious i for one cant choose it because ive tried it....meh boobs and cunts dont appeal to me and cutty bois just make me think about guys who wanna be girls...or something..not reallly my place to say...

stop it..stop caring..just stop it dammit...its a waste of time on a worthless tool...

hell i mean thats all im good for anyways lol. serious im just good at obeying others...yeah irl im not as defieant as i want to be so i just submit and do what im told to do...if it came to id either get raped or killed id choose rape i suppose...*shrugs* so yeah its a waste of time for show.

You have checks you have gotten but never cashed in found lying around your room...>.>;

Ok....first of all. Im sorry if ive been bothersome to you.

Ok well....the thing is im pissed...VERY pissed. I mean the one person I dont want to think about like that is just in my mind half the time but not in lust or love but...jealously.

So most of the time I end up pacing around the house listening to music and just poking at things out of pure boredom and then..."he" enters my mind...all the things he can do...all the things i wanted to with him...it pisses me off and then i end up having to listening to this really..."ugh" song just to release some frustration. But thats not the bad part.

The bad part is that I have a bf who I love but...that damn guy gets in the way. I mean it makes me second guess my feelings for him when the gets into my mind.

I fucking it i seriously do...and all that shit about how good pussy is and shit is annoying...fuck that shit. I know how to keep my pants on like some people. I dont care if this contridicts the way I assume is my motto...that is just....ugh!!!

Not onl that but when you have a guy who you wanted to marry tell you how he feels "now".....

Then when i say the exact same thing he said to me it feels like i did something wrong...

wtf how does that work anyways?

just fuck it... i eamn if it bothers you that much i just wanna be friends and shit then go.....*sigh*....i hate not be mad....

too much stress in life from all this shit...