Spring is here and life is good. How're you guys doing?

I think I came from the Smash Nintendo Direct. It's gonna be the bestest game.

I don't enjoy drawing lately. I have no fun, I can't relax, and I can't make it look "right". It feels like I'm going in the complete opposite direction with everything. I'll put things on hold for a while until I find out how to make things fun again.

Three and a half months into the year, and I'm bouncing between feeling like a complete idiot and getting angry at everything, but mostly myself. I don't think I have any reason to be in the first place. My life is practically stable right now. Sure, there's a lot of uncertainties about the future, but that's what the future is - uncertain. But for the time being, things are fine. On the surface.

Inside, I've been a complete mess lately. A couple of highly stressful events have brought back a couple of traumatic childhood experiences I've hoped would remain buried and forgotten forever and ever. If the flodgates haven't been opened because of that, it's damn well about to, and I'm struggling daily to keep my composition and being stoic about it, shrug it off. It's fine, it's in the past. Can't change it. A reminder of how things used to be, but isn't anymore. And yet... it's made me aware of the fact that I have a huge void left inside of me that I can't fill. A void left, and caused by, my own father. I'm terrified I might end up the same as him in the end, and I'm already seeing signs. And even though I'm aware of how things are, I can't stop myself. It's like the more I try to struggle, the more this... void sucks me in. I don't want to end up like him. I want to be me! But it seems like I can't help myself. As much as I've wanted to understand why he did the things he did, and how he must have felt... the worse I feel as a person, the closer I get to understanding what must've been going on with him. But I'm left with more questions than answer, and there's no way I can talk to him again. Even if I could, would he even talk about it? He was very secretive about himself. The person he showed to the public was very different from who he was on the inside, and in the end, he found it harder and harder to keep appearances up the worse he got. I see myself change for the worse, but while he kept rotting away on the inside, I chose to seek help. I wanted to turn it all around and feel good. Like a person. Like any person would want to. No one should have to wake up and dread the next day, much less curse lowly to themselves they're still alive.

A rampant suspicion lately has been that he suffered from schizophrenia. And because of that, I've been dreading having the same mental disorder. The theory has been shut down though by professionals... but it's been brought to light that... because of what has happened in my early life, and the crippling apathy and depression I've had since the mid-teens probably caused by it, I've developed a schizoid personality. It's not a disorder per se, as it doesn't hinder my daily life to the point it's doing more harm than good. The doctor was kind enough to explain to me that, with all things considered, it's not surprising that I developed it. What started out as a defense mechanism became something bigger. And talking some more with her, it dawned on me that there was something really dark in the background as far as my family goes, and that some things weren't as they seemed. It would explain why my brother chose to completely sever ties with us. Or why my sister turned out the way she did. I wonder if my mother knew all about it? And if she did... why did she stay quiet? Did she just pretend like nothing happened...? It's made me question a lot of things about myself and my family as a whole. And it's pretty hard to deal with it, since... I can't go back in time and change things. I can just sit and acknowledge that "yeah, it happened..." and that's pretty much it.

The worst part? There's many children out there with parents like that. Parents that neglect their kids, or worse... doing all kinds of unspeakable things to them... and no one knows. And... what happens to these children when they grow up? Do they just lock away things like I did? Drink or do drugs just to deal with it? Suicide? Grow up to repeat the cycle...? I don't even know... but it's frightening. All I know is that I'm trying to deal with things that happened well over 20 years ago, while trying to find a place where I belong in this world in terms of emplyment or studies, trying to find myself through art, trying to receive respect from my peers... but it's a little too much at the same time. And after pushing keys for... I don't know how long, it... just dawned on me. I just need time to process and go through with it. It's a pretty big pill to swallow, suddenly having to deal with something I'd rather just hide and lock away until I take a dirt nap. It'll probably come back to bite me in the ass later, things tend to do that sometimes. At the same time I feel a little relieved having typed it up. I don't know why I feel inclined to share it with others, especially since I would rather just hide away with my own thoughts. I just want to move on. Maybe like Håkan did before he died of cancer, having told his friends he had a mental breakdown after years of drinking and neglecting himself, winding up in the hospital, and being abandoned by those he thought cared. Those that mattered stayed, knowing full well what he'd gone through and felt. Others turned their backs on him. Sometimes I think of him. He was a really kind man, who put others infront of himself, even though bad things kept happening over and over to him. Last time I saw him was the month before dad's funeral, and the year after he was gone. I think it's been about a year since he passed away. I barely knew the guy, but he left an impression on me for sure.

I feel calmer now. There is something I'd like to point out, though. I'm not asking for pity because I feel... well, I guess really sad and lonely on the inside if I have to be honest about it, but I'm just showing a piece of what's going on inside of my mind. It's intended just for the purpose of making someone understand. It doesn't matter who. If you've managed to read through this, all of it, and feel like something is starting to make sense to how I've been acting and behaving lately, then I sincerely thank you. If it doesn't make any damn sense, or is just a mess of words and jumbled thoughts hammered down, that's ok too. But I feel as if I have to be honest to myself, but also the people around me. It's both humbling, and humiliating, but... it feels important that I have to share this. Maybe it's just desperation? Trying to find one person in the world that would understand. Depends on how you look at it, I guess? Well... I'll let you be the judge.

So... I had my first day of internship at the greenhouse again on tuesday, thinking the whole thing would be pretty low-gear and such on the off-season. Which it is, by the way, just a matter of tossing out the old and bringing in the new. Problem is, I started getting shivers later that evening, and the day after, bloomed into some kinda stomach thing. Best thing about laying in bed freezing and being hot at the same time is a 3ds. Gives you something to do when you're not dozing off.

That aside, how're you guys doing?

Sorry about the low activity, doods. I will attempt to shift into a higher gear soon enough.

Mom's home and happy, but tired. Now to return to drawing more lewd and being a colossal faggotron!

Also I doodled a cactus with tits earlier. Might upload that in scraps later.

Well... first week was okay-ish aside from an uncomfortable couch and having to make three trips back and forth from my home and mother's place. My uncle's been very helpful during all this time and has been up to date with how mom's doing in her recovery. Sadly, first week saw no changes in her condition, and she were switched to another medication to combat the pneumonia. Her appetite's been low and she's just been worried over the dog and other things all the time. Now she's got a clot in her right lung which has complicated things a bit. My uncle has... ironically enough, had the same condition she's got right now a year ago. If anything, he knows what she's going through. He thinks she may have to get a pacemaker later on to regulate her heartbeats and whatnot, but it's all speculation now.

Today was a pretty crappy day. It's been raining on and off, I got a flat tire on my bicycle and I caught a migraine. I've been through some stress lately, to say the least, so there's no wonder I got one. Thankfully my uncle is taking care of the dog while I'm home right now and resting up a bit. I never thought I'd be so happy to be in a bed again....

Tomorrow I'll be going back to check on the dog and fix the flat tire. If I'm right, it's only the valve leaking. If I'm wrong, I'm changing the whole fucking innertube. Those repair kits don't work half the time...

On a more happy note, a friend brought me some minis I could paint while I'm stranded with the dog, so I got something done atleast! And perfect town rating in Animal Crossing... and some BW2 Subway shenanigans was had. I also doodled a fat ghost dick yesterday on paper. So I try to be occupied with some stuff inbetween walks and biking back and forth. Hopefully, I don't have to do this routine for much longer. I wanna get these requests done, but it's pretty hard when you got maybe an hour of free time at home before you gotta head back. Tonight, I'll be relaxing.

Mom's got pneumonia and is currently hospitalised. By default, I draw the shortest straw and have to look after her dog most of the days for... I don't know how long until she recovers enough to be sent home. The only times I'll be home is a brief moment to pet the cats and feed them, and that's about it. So I won't be doing a whole lot of anything while I'm stranded over there, growing bitter. Thankfully I have an uncle coming over so I can atleast get some kinda company aside from that little dog.

So I have no idea when I can be back in full swing again, so I guess I'll see you guys around when things calm down.

Finalized do-wants of doodling:

Hypnosis fetishism for  notmolo.

Backdoor banging for  giga-xisbass.

Buns and weiner related stuff for  tdraichu.

Honourary mentions that mar or may not be fiddled with:

Poolside shenanigans for  itsnotdarion.

Butt(er)ing for  danjen.

Good old faps for  roy_mccloud.

Drawn in no particular order! I'll be noting about sketches, lineart and finally the coloured versions and will be more than open to corrections and fixes to get it just right for you. Backgrounds will at the most be minimalistic and simple, just for the sake of convenience/laziness and getting more lewd done.

Thank you for this round!

Taking suggestions on what Pokémon to defile draw. Let's make it nice and neat in the suggested format below.

Pokémon: [Your prefered choice]
Gender: [Your prefered gender]
Act: [What's going on]

Coolest idea(s) gets scribbled down! Winner(s) announced on Monday, so you have time to chime in with your suggestion if nothing comes to mind right away. Let's hear those ideas, folks~!

Goodnight, sweet prince.

A bunch of stuff happened lately and I've been pretty shoddy at making any updates.

* I quit my internship. I was just getting stressed out, somehow. Had a few chats with a psychiatrist and I'm feeling better again. Gonna try something new in august, or september, depending on how things turn out.

* Got myself a 3DS and Animal Crossing: New Leaf. Absolutely lovely and cute game. Uhm... getting a router soon enough, so I can't visit or get visitors yet. Sorry. ;<

* A couple of my friends started getting back into Infinity, and I'm getting hooked on it. Pretty cool miniature game, awesome models... but it's gonna suck to glue and paint them since they're very delicate and detailed. Also it's very unlikely I'll get to go to a tournament for Warmahordes in september, since I don't have my list painted. Kinda sucks, but most of june and july I've been so frazzled and inactive at the local gaming group due to how the internship went. I was either tired or just wanted to be alone.

* Drawing more! I'm more productive than ever. I got a lot of time now to do the things I want to do. And yet I end up lurking on vinesaucevidya and watching streams. Joel and Vinny are the best streamers.

Also don't you just hate it when you can't even draw your donut steel properly? Frustrates the pubes off my scrotum.

Spring is awesome. How are you guys doing?

I found him on the floor this morning. He didn't eat or drink anything yesterday, not even tuna that he was crazy about. I miss that lazy furball...

So I got an internship working in a greenhouse with various tasks, and I started yesterday. I had to help insulate the huge ass room with styrofoam boards. That was kinda nice, just measuring and carving up boards and putting them in place. Today I had to tie the young tomato plants by the stem to a stick with a derpy looking tool. It was a lot trickier than I expected, and I accidently damaged one of the plants. Luckilly it wasn't anything severe, but I bricked when I saw I've gon fuk'd up.

Also green fingers.

... and my legs hurt from all the standing. ;_;

https://www.weasyl.com/profile/trapmagius

Nothing added yet, but it's there.

Because goddamn, I gotta vacuum tomorrow. Cat hair everywhere.

Things went better than I thougt, but the first days were really cold (got down to -18 C in the night/early morning), but the air is fresh and so nnnnnICE. It got gradually warmer and today it's all warm and slushy. Yeuch. But yeah, long story short, things went well with keeping an eye on that dog. Most of the time I was either doodling tits or playing Pokémon while watching cooking shows of different varieties and Ink Master. Would you believe how much grown people can bitch at eachother? Heads, up the ass, full shitfest mode.

Mom's surgery went well, and she's okay but very sore. She's home now and taking it easy. The stay at the hospital was a mixed bag. She complained about the food mostly.

That's the short-short version of things. Quite an experience.

Hopefully just a couple of days. Why? Mom's due for surgery to remove a cyst in her stomach as well as some other pretty hugeimportantbits that I shouldn't go into detail with, but is common enough for women to be one fuck of a problem. So starting this evening, I'll have to keep my eyes on a dog, despite how much I may protest about this. Might as well bite the bullet and get on with it, and hope mom is gonna be fine. I believe the soonest I can be home again for longer than an hour (gotta eat and feed the kitties, you know) would be sunday, or possibly monday.

Once this all blows over I may actually get back to those backed up requests. I'm sorry it's taken so long, but life gets in the way sometimes, and I'm not the most motivated person when it comes to this. Thank you for your patience.

Also, I delcare 2013 the year of Zerkova. As such she's gonna be my main Warcaster for this year. Gonna attend some local Warmachine tournaments as well, once that becomes a thing.

And I'm looking into jobs and internships as well. Sitting at home jerking off to cartoon butts is fun and all, but I don't get paid to do so. I gotta pay these bills too. And no, not going to open commissions unless it's really getting out of hand. That's the only time I'd consider doing so - when I'm fresh out of options.

So... I hope you guys and gals take care of yourselves and don't get into too much trouble.

A few months back I announced that requests were open, and that some of them would be made. I took it upon myself to do all seven of those legit requests I got. Due to circumstances putting a lot of stress on me, I'm pulling the plug on it for the time being. I simply can't make people happy if I feel bitter. What's getting me down is not only the season itself, but the state of my family as well. Mother's due for surgery due to a large cyst putting pressure on one of her kidneys, one uncle is starting to have heart issues, another uncle recently getting a pacemaker and spending his first christmas alone without his mother. As for me, well, it'll be my first christmas without my dad. I just want january to roll around again so I can stop thinking about holidays for a while. I'm getting less and less done, not just art-wise, due to having to do chores and being a dog watch while mom's going back and forth to the hospital for tests and whatnot.

To the people objecting for the reasons why I put this on hold - kindly go fuck yourself with a rake. To all you others, happy holidays!

Friend of mine helped me get the cats over to my apartment 10 minutes ago. Two seem to be checking the place out and eating, and the final is hiding. Need to get some kitty litter and kitty foods, so... yeah... :3

Now I got three gentlemen in all my base. It belongs to them, obviously. ;<

Net came back quickly, so that was awesome!

Well, moved into my apartment, finally. Feels a little weird, but that's a given, right? My stereo's hatch has jammed during the move so I gotta try and fix that or else I can't have loud musics going. But the move went alright, except I don't have the raw strength to carry everything around, but I did manage to lift and move around most things. Still lacking a couch and some minor stuff, and there's a door in the hallway... and the bathroom light is quirky as dicks (it flickers and dies randomly) but as a whole... DEE DO DE DE!!

Moving the cats in later when I got things sorted out here. :3

Yep, it's finally happening. This thursday I'm moving out into my own tiny little apartment, with three fuzzy roommates. It's gonna be awesome~! But I'm also nervous as fuck. It's a huge step for me, especially considering I used to be a shut in for so many years. I'm not really sure wht to expect now that I'm gonna be living on my own. I just wish my dad was alive to see this... his son that gave up that went from a timid shut in to a man in two years.

Well, in any case, if my activity is somewhat low for a little while, it's because I'm trying to settle in and stuff. In other news, it snowed today. But now it's raining, so it's all slishysloshy boring and grey. :<

So there's stuff going down this month! :3

First of all, I got an apartment. I'll be moving in on November 1st. Naturally, gotta dedicate some time to set this up properly. Second, I signed up to a program concerning internships and whatnot, so that's another big thing going on in my life right now. If I can get my Khador painted this month, that also means a tournament on November 2-3. Right now, I may not make it in time, which is a damn shame since I've been looking forward to this for a long time now...

Yeah, I'm still stuck and working on requests. Be patient and dicks. ;<

I got... let's see... one... two... three... four.... five.... six.... seven. Seven asses. I mean, seven requests. :3

While I said I'd only do three of them (bracing myself for sixtyninemillionandfive requests at my butt), I may as well do all of them. However, there's two things to keep in mind.

1. Be patient. Stressing me is just gonna make me pissed off. If I have an update or questions, I'll contact you via notes.
2. Be honest. If something seems off or drawn poorly, speak up. I don't want to draw everything, have you smile and nod, and then go "durr this shit sux" in the comments below after all is done. If there is a problem, adress it in time.

Ofcourse, I'll be doing some other things and the odd IRC request as well every now and then, but don't let that discourage you. Keep calm and keep cool.

Thanks for the ideas, and now play the waiting game. :3