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Decided to Update
Posted 9 years agoSo I decided that it was time to update my Fur' account. So that's what I'm intending to do.
Herp
Posted 10 years agoHerp a derp derp
This is my life
Posted 10 years agoHello Journal, I'm back once again.
A pretty good post mark if you ask me.
Just need some more venting out frustrating. Let's start off with work, yeah?
Work:
I work at Burger King as an assistant manager, my boss training me to do all of his dirty work. It great at times, I love my co-workers that I work with and I love the fact that I can laugh with them. It's awesome. I joke around with them I make fun of them, all in good spirits, I play around with them. It's awesome. And there are certain members of my team that I really look foreword to working with. Makes the day go by extremely fast. But, like all fast-food relationship. It can go south very quickly. And this whole week (8th of January to the 18th of January) was a living hell, especially the 10th, 11th and 12th. Let me explain:
On thursday, the 8th, we experienced a total server loss, which means that all of our terminals that we ring up our food on completely shut-down (and to make things clear the "server" is actually a PC. And that PC had the Blue-Screen of death not four months ago. And this happened when my tech guy tried to uninstall Norton. Which you shouldn't do because you'll piss it off). So, that means everyone had to take orders with a pen and paper and calculate the price, and tax, by calculator, the only time where it's "ok" to use your phone at work. Remarkable, right? And this went of for three days before they finally sent someone to fix it. But they couldn't because they needed to ship a new tower (which should've been months ago, but what do I know, I flip burgers with a tie). So they couldn't do that, they had to wait for the damn package to arrive, but it never showed up so they left. About an hour or so after they left the package guy finally came in with the package. So skip to the next day. This guy, who installed the new server, spent hours trying to install it. I mean he was there from 8 in the morning to 8 in the evening. He didn't really do finished the job, but he got one terminal up and running, still couldn't do CC though. And I should mention that we were all cash only, which no one has anymore.
So after three more days of calculating and trying to ring things up on this one terminal, it crashes again and we were in the dark again. So back to the pen and paper. And this makes it hard because the kitchen crew don't really have a screen or tickets to look at to make our orders. So we yelled back what we needed and they make it. My living hell/nightmare was on a Saturday, doing lunch rush... with our systems down still. I, personally, made $800 in Drive-thru alone, while my front cashier, bless her heart, also made $800. There was so much stress, so much going through numbers and shit. And customers yelling at you to get their food out faster. And I was surprised that I got each car out around 5 - 7 minutes of waiting. Normally it should be 2:45 (ideal) or 3:40. I was amazed, but also sore, stressing out, and blown-out. I was just spent and done. So that was my 10 days of hell, which I worked through.
Relationship:
Alright, now time for relationship problems. So I've been mated to a wolf for about a year and some odd months, in IRL. He's very nice, sweet and I had great times with him. But, I had to break up with him because one, he told me that I should (since he's in jail at the moment, I'll get into that later) and things have been breaking apart after our first anniversary. So here's what happened. It all started around August of last year. I knew this fur that lived not to far from where I live. Just the next city over, which is about 30ish minutes away. He's a cool dude though he likes to call himself an asshole and he's a total introvert, he's still pretty nice to hang with. And before this, I was trying to instigate a threesome, which really didn't work out too well, and it never happened, because I got cold feet about it and just stopped it. I've always wanted to be apart of one, but now that I almost came close to one I don't think I would ever do it, not sure though. Most likely not, I'm a shy guy when it comes to new people, but I digress.
So after this fail threesome I brushed it off and didn't want to have to deal with it anymore. So I let it go and moved on. My mate, on the other hand, decided that he should get me to do the threesome, he brought it up, and that spark happened again. But when that happened I was already beginning to feel sick; I knew I was sick, though, because I was feeling tired and I didn't really have sex that much, which pissed of my boyfriend. So since I wasn't giving out, and that threesome spark never happened he gave me an ultimatum. He said if I didn't give him sex he was going to look for it else where (even though I explained to him why I wasn't giving sex, which was I was sick. Which I didn't know how at the time time until later (see *sickness for details*)). I thought that was a bit fucked up so I though he was trying to scare me. But of course I said I will try to do it. But I still didn't put out because I still didn't have the drive do it. So now, a couple of weeks later, my wolf messaged me saying would I be made if he had sex the collie (my fur friend), and reply back with "yes, I would be really upset if you did". He said ok and then he asked me if he wanted me to come over, pick me up from work, and go back to my place (and my wolf used to live in the other town that the collie does too). I agreed and told him what time I would be off, which was about 7 or 8pm. Something like that. So the time came when he was supposed to show up and he didn't. He was late, but I had my friends there, that I love to hangout with, so we decided to go to Starbucks and wait from my wolf.
An hour or so later I get a message from him saying he was on his way, there was too many lights stopping him and traffic was crazy. I didn't think too much about it, so I said ok and told my friends he was on his way. Finally, around 9 he showed up. He sat down with us and my wolf had a concerned look on his face and said he had to tell me something. And I go ok, what is it. He said privately so we went to his car. Where we sat down and he told me that he had gave head to my fur friend, because on: he was kind of curious what his cock looked like, and two my fur friend was "leading him on". Of course I got mad and punch the roof of his car, almost fucking up my knuckles. He said he was sorry and all that bullshit. As I huffed and puffed away I told him to take me home, which he did. So... about two or three days I said I would forgive him for my mistake, because I didn't give him enough sex. But then this caused a whole drama with my wolf and the collie to which it ended up with me losing a friend.
And then this led to my wolf snooping on me. He never gave me any privacy. He went through all my shit when I was at work. Through all my messages and stuff and found out that I RP with some of my close friends that I used to talk with. He got really upset with me and told me how come I got mad at him when he cheated on me when I cheated on him first (which that in itself is convoluted but I won't make my opinion). And I couldn't do anything, he got mad at me, gave me less privacy. Always wanted to know what I'm doing. So I got afraid and scared of him. Which wasn't good.
So after all this happened we skip to the middle of November where I was getting really upset. I got really sick, I had some lumps on my neck that were growing, and my wolf was yelling at me again telling me all my faults that I had and said that he was going to fix me or else he wasn't going to be my boyfriend anymore. So afraid of loosing him I agreed, angrily-upset, that I would try. So he did, which I hated, because he would got super nice all of a sudden, didn't care what I did anymore and gave me all the love that I never really had before, like this was super love. Finally I asked him why he changed and he never gave me a straight answer. And I hated it. I hated it with a pure fiery passion. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and I tried breaking up with him. Which didn't work out, he somehow slithered his way back into my heart, mostly, and got me to love him again, if you called it that. Basically him blaming me for why I wanted to break up with him, because i didn't try hard enough, I still had faults that were ruining this relationship and how when he was with his wife this shit happened too, and blahblah blah. So I got back together with him.
So after my *surgery I started feeling better and my sex driver started building back up. Moving on to December, well near the end of december, is when my wolf get taken to jail (not going to get into that, still in the process of investigation and shit). So got taken to jail just before christmas, making me fall into a small depression. But with him away I sort of felt free, because I have my privacy back and now I could finally feel comfortable with talking to my fur friends again, without feeling jealousy peering down my back. And I got calls from my wolf, from jail. And he felt bad for me and he said that I shouldn't feel obligated to stay with him, he would understand if I left him because I wasn't happy. And he wanted me to be happy and all that other stuff. And I thought about it. And in the mean time I got back in touch with my greatest of friends. He's considered, to me, close friend. And I don't have many of those. And a close friend to me is someone I can be open with, share my secrets too, go to if I'm sad and what not. Not even my best friend that I've know for 8 years is considered my close friend (sorry Tyler). And he happens to be my crush too, heh. But talking to him made me feel better about myself and I didn't fall too hard into depression. So after a long thought, debating whether or not I should break up with him now or wait until he gets out of jail. At first I chose the get out of jail option, but my wolf kept telling me I shouldn't feel obligated staying with him. He wants me to be happy and if I'm happy going off and not being with him, I should do that. And I thought about this for weeks. So... a couple of days ago, maybe a few, I finally placed the last nail in the coffin and broke up with him.
I didn't cry, but he changed his attitude real quick when I told him I was not his boyfriend anymore. He asked me why? How come? What did I do? And then it changed into Why didn't you try harder enough? Why did you play me? Why did you lead me on? Was this all for nothing? But I told him I was still going to be there for him, that I was going to still be his friend and regarding him as a close friend of mine. But he quickly attacked me. Said why should I be his friend? What makes me deserve to be his friend. And just verbally attacking me and bring me down to a depressed state....
So that's my relationship...
Sick:
So I got sick with something really fierce and I didn't know what it was. I found two lumps on my neck, one behind my right ear and the other right under my chin. I went to the doctor after I found this out and they said they would give me some antibiotics and said if it didn't go away come back. So I did what I was told, took my medicine, waited a week, like they said, and came back, since it never went down. It actually got worse, bigger. So they said for me to go down to the hospital, get an ultrasound and some blood work down and then come back. So I did that. Came back and they gave me some more, stronger antibiotics and then a shot in the ass. Then the referred me to a specialist down in Santa Barbara. I go down there in about a weeks time again and he couldn't figure it out too. He jabbed a long needle in me and took a sample of my bump, under my neck and said if the labs didn't find out what it was to come back again and to schedule for an MRI and surgery. I got a call a week later saying the labs couldn't figure out what it was so I had to go get an MRI and surgery if it didn't go down by the time I got the MRI.
Two weeks later I'm in for the MRI, laid in that loud tube of a gigantic magnet, for an hour. Yes... an hour, an hour of not moving. Only to find out that they don't know what it was. So surgery time. And to this point my mate wasn't really giving me any sympathy. He was glad I was sick, hoped that it was cancer and all that other good stuff. So it was time for the surgery. The surgery was going to be me being put under and them taking out the bump under my chin, which was one of my lymph nodes (that they determined) It only took an hour and when I woke back up... well... was in the process of being waken up I was being asked questions in this state. Which was funny. They asked me questions like "is your pharmacy still CVS" or "are you ok? Need to use the bathroom?" And I didn't have my eyes open, I was dreaming. Finally I woke up. Alert and having fun with the heart beat/O2 monitor. When I'm relaxed and sleeping I take short shallow breaths. So i made that stupid machine beep like hell. And a nurse would rush in and tell me to take deep breaths, which I did and then went back to short and shallow. And continued this cycle three times. So, after about a week of no work, I get a call from my doctor and he said that I had an infection.
And not any normal infection that you might get, it was an infection of my lymph node. The one under my chin contained mononucleosis. Which was weird because I had mono/strep about... a year and 10 months prior. I guess it never went away, which explains why I was tired and sick and didn't want to do anything (even sex). Finally... I feel better I have my sex drive back and I feel good.
Summery:
So, in closing, the past few months have been hell for me. I lost a friend, I lost a boyfriend and work is being a huge dick right now. But I feel relieved for some reason. Maybe because I get to talk to my crush again. And I do enjoy talking with him. He's awesome. Too bad he's in a relationship. But... Nah... I'm not going to get into that either, I have it in my other journal explain his relationship and how I feel about him. But, just for me. I'm not going to do anything. I'm not going to stick my nose into his relationship. If they break up then they break up and I'll be happy. This sounds bad of me, but I can get my coyote back again finally be the happiest tiger ever. But I'll wait for him to be ready for that. It's his life and he should do what he wants too. And I'll follow either as a lover or a friend. Though if they don't break up then they don't and I'll continue to be me.
And I remember hearing a girl say this to my friend one day. I remember it clearly, we were at Starbucks when it happened. My friend was going through a break up. He said he wasn't sure if he was going to go back into another relationship. And the barista, who I guess knew my friend, said. Well you should. Even if you don't know what you want in a relationship you should still just go out there. Because, with the more relationship you go through, the more you know what you want in a relationship. And the easier it is to find the perfect match for you.
*smiles*
A pretty good post mark if you ask me.
Just need some more venting out frustrating. Let's start off with work, yeah?
Work:
I work at Burger King as an assistant manager, my boss training me to do all of his dirty work. It great at times, I love my co-workers that I work with and I love the fact that I can laugh with them. It's awesome. I joke around with them I make fun of them, all in good spirits, I play around with them. It's awesome. And there are certain members of my team that I really look foreword to working with. Makes the day go by extremely fast. But, like all fast-food relationship. It can go south very quickly. And this whole week (8th of January to the 18th of January) was a living hell, especially the 10th, 11th and 12th. Let me explain:
On thursday, the 8th, we experienced a total server loss, which means that all of our terminals that we ring up our food on completely shut-down (and to make things clear the "server" is actually a PC. And that PC had the Blue-Screen of death not four months ago. And this happened when my tech guy tried to uninstall Norton. Which you shouldn't do because you'll piss it off). So, that means everyone had to take orders with a pen and paper and calculate the price, and tax, by calculator, the only time where it's "ok" to use your phone at work. Remarkable, right? And this went of for three days before they finally sent someone to fix it. But they couldn't because they needed to ship a new tower (which should've been months ago, but what do I know, I flip burgers with a tie). So they couldn't do that, they had to wait for the damn package to arrive, but it never showed up so they left. About an hour or so after they left the package guy finally came in with the package. So skip to the next day. This guy, who installed the new server, spent hours trying to install it. I mean he was there from 8 in the morning to 8 in the evening. He didn't really do finished the job, but he got one terminal up and running, still couldn't do CC though. And I should mention that we were all cash only, which no one has anymore.
So after three more days of calculating and trying to ring things up on this one terminal, it crashes again and we were in the dark again. So back to the pen and paper. And this makes it hard because the kitchen crew don't really have a screen or tickets to look at to make our orders. So we yelled back what we needed and they make it. My living hell/nightmare was on a Saturday, doing lunch rush... with our systems down still. I, personally, made $800 in Drive-thru alone, while my front cashier, bless her heart, also made $800. There was so much stress, so much going through numbers and shit. And customers yelling at you to get their food out faster. And I was surprised that I got each car out around 5 - 7 minutes of waiting. Normally it should be 2:45 (ideal) or 3:40. I was amazed, but also sore, stressing out, and blown-out. I was just spent and done. So that was my 10 days of hell, which I worked through.
Relationship:
Alright, now time for relationship problems. So I've been mated to a wolf for about a year and some odd months, in IRL. He's very nice, sweet and I had great times with him. But, I had to break up with him because one, he told me that I should (since he's in jail at the moment, I'll get into that later) and things have been breaking apart after our first anniversary. So here's what happened. It all started around August of last year. I knew this fur that lived not to far from where I live. Just the next city over, which is about 30ish minutes away. He's a cool dude though he likes to call himself an asshole and he's a total introvert, he's still pretty nice to hang with. And before this, I was trying to instigate a threesome, which really didn't work out too well, and it never happened, because I got cold feet about it and just stopped it. I've always wanted to be apart of one, but now that I almost came close to one I don't think I would ever do it, not sure though. Most likely not, I'm a shy guy when it comes to new people, but I digress.
So after this fail threesome I brushed it off and didn't want to have to deal with it anymore. So I let it go and moved on. My mate, on the other hand, decided that he should get me to do the threesome, he brought it up, and that spark happened again. But when that happened I was already beginning to feel sick; I knew I was sick, though, because I was feeling tired and I didn't really have sex that much, which pissed of my boyfriend. So since I wasn't giving out, and that threesome spark never happened he gave me an ultimatum. He said if I didn't give him sex he was going to look for it else where (even though I explained to him why I wasn't giving sex, which was I was sick. Which I didn't know how at the time time until later (see *sickness for details*)). I thought that was a bit fucked up so I though he was trying to scare me. But of course I said I will try to do it. But I still didn't put out because I still didn't have the drive do it. So now, a couple of weeks later, my wolf messaged me saying would I be made if he had sex the collie (my fur friend), and reply back with "yes, I would be really upset if you did". He said ok and then he asked me if he wanted me to come over, pick me up from work, and go back to my place (and my wolf used to live in the other town that the collie does too). I agreed and told him what time I would be off, which was about 7 or 8pm. Something like that. So the time came when he was supposed to show up and he didn't. He was late, but I had my friends there, that I love to hangout with, so we decided to go to Starbucks and wait from my wolf.
An hour or so later I get a message from him saying he was on his way, there was too many lights stopping him and traffic was crazy. I didn't think too much about it, so I said ok and told my friends he was on his way. Finally, around 9 he showed up. He sat down with us and my wolf had a concerned look on his face and said he had to tell me something. And I go ok, what is it. He said privately so we went to his car. Where we sat down and he told me that he had gave head to my fur friend, because on: he was kind of curious what his cock looked like, and two my fur friend was "leading him on". Of course I got mad and punch the roof of his car, almost fucking up my knuckles. He said he was sorry and all that bullshit. As I huffed and puffed away I told him to take me home, which he did. So... about two or three days I said I would forgive him for my mistake, because I didn't give him enough sex. But then this caused a whole drama with my wolf and the collie to which it ended up with me losing a friend.
And then this led to my wolf snooping on me. He never gave me any privacy. He went through all my shit when I was at work. Through all my messages and stuff and found out that I RP with some of my close friends that I used to talk with. He got really upset with me and told me how come I got mad at him when he cheated on me when I cheated on him first (which that in itself is convoluted but I won't make my opinion). And I couldn't do anything, he got mad at me, gave me less privacy. Always wanted to know what I'm doing. So I got afraid and scared of him. Which wasn't good.
So after all this happened we skip to the middle of November where I was getting really upset. I got really sick, I had some lumps on my neck that were growing, and my wolf was yelling at me again telling me all my faults that I had and said that he was going to fix me or else he wasn't going to be my boyfriend anymore. So afraid of loosing him I agreed, angrily-upset, that I would try. So he did, which I hated, because he would got super nice all of a sudden, didn't care what I did anymore and gave me all the love that I never really had before, like this was super love. Finally I asked him why he changed and he never gave me a straight answer. And I hated it. I hated it with a pure fiery passion. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and I tried breaking up with him. Which didn't work out, he somehow slithered his way back into my heart, mostly, and got me to love him again, if you called it that. Basically him blaming me for why I wanted to break up with him, because i didn't try hard enough, I still had faults that were ruining this relationship and how when he was with his wife this shit happened too, and blahblah blah. So I got back together with him.
So after my *surgery I started feeling better and my sex driver started building back up. Moving on to December, well near the end of december, is when my wolf get taken to jail (not going to get into that, still in the process of investigation and shit). So got taken to jail just before christmas, making me fall into a small depression. But with him away I sort of felt free, because I have my privacy back and now I could finally feel comfortable with talking to my fur friends again, without feeling jealousy peering down my back. And I got calls from my wolf, from jail. And he felt bad for me and he said that I shouldn't feel obligated to stay with him, he would understand if I left him because I wasn't happy. And he wanted me to be happy and all that other stuff. And I thought about it. And in the mean time I got back in touch with my greatest of friends. He's considered, to me, close friend. And I don't have many of those. And a close friend to me is someone I can be open with, share my secrets too, go to if I'm sad and what not. Not even my best friend that I've know for 8 years is considered my close friend (sorry Tyler). And he happens to be my crush too, heh. But talking to him made me feel better about myself and I didn't fall too hard into depression. So after a long thought, debating whether or not I should break up with him now or wait until he gets out of jail. At first I chose the get out of jail option, but my wolf kept telling me I shouldn't feel obligated staying with him. He wants me to be happy and if I'm happy going off and not being with him, I should do that. And I thought about this for weeks. So... a couple of days ago, maybe a few, I finally placed the last nail in the coffin and broke up with him.
I didn't cry, but he changed his attitude real quick when I told him I was not his boyfriend anymore. He asked me why? How come? What did I do? And then it changed into Why didn't you try harder enough? Why did you play me? Why did you lead me on? Was this all for nothing? But I told him I was still going to be there for him, that I was going to still be his friend and regarding him as a close friend of mine. But he quickly attacked me. Said why should I be his friend? What makes me deserve to be his friend. And just verbally attacking me and bring me down to a depressed state....
So that's my relationship...
Sick:
So I got sick with something really fierce and I didn't know what it was. I found two lumps on my neck, one behind my right ear and the other right under my chin. I went to the doctor after I found this out and they said they would give me some antibiotics and said if it didn't go away come back. So I did what I was told, took my medicine, waited a week, like they said, and came back, since it never went down. It actually got worse, bigger. So they said for me to go down to the hospital, get an ultrasound and some blood work down and then come back. So I did that. Came back and they gave me some more, stronger antibiotics and then a shot in the ass. Then the referred me to a specialist down in Santa Barbara. I go down there in about a weeks time again and he couldn't figure it out too. He jabbed a long needle in me and took a sample of my bump, under my neck and said if the labs didn't find out what it was to come back again and to schedule for an MRI and surgery. I got a call a week later saying the labs couldn't figure out what it was so I had to go get an MRI and surgery if it didn't go down by the time I got the MRI.
Two weeks later I'm in for the MRI, laid in that loud tube of a gigantic magnet, for an hour. Yes... an hour, an hour of not moving. Only to find out that they don't know what it was. So surgery time. And to this point my mate wasn't really giving me any sympathy. He was glad I was sick, hoped that it was cancer and all that other good stuff. So it was time for the surgery. The surgery was going to be me being put under and them taking out the bump under my chin, which was one of my lymph nodes (that they determined) It only took an hour and when I woke back up... well... was in the process of being waken up I was being asked questions in this state. Which was funny. They asked me questions like "is your pharmacy still CVS" or "are you ok? Need to use the bathroom?" And I didn't have my eyes open, I was dreaming. Finally I woke up. Alert and having fun with the heart beat/O2 monitor. When I'm relaxed and sleeping I take short shallow breaths. So i made that stupid machine beep like hell. And a nurse would rush in and tell me to take deep breaths, which I did and then went back to short and shallow. And continued this cycle three times. So, after about a week of no work, I get a call from my doctor and he said that I had an infection.
And not any normal infection that you might get, it was an infection of my lymph node. The one under my chin contained mononucleosis. Which was weird because I had mono/strep about... a year and 10 months prior. I guess it never went away, which explains why I was tired and sick and didn't want to do anything (even sex). Finally... I feel better I have my sex drive back and I feel good.
Summery:
So, in closing, the past few months have been hell for me. I lost a friend, I lost a boyfriend and work is being a huge dick right now. But I feel relieved for some reason. Maybe because I get to talk to my crush again. And I do enjoy talking with him. He's awesome. Too bad he's in a relationship. But... Nah... I'm not going to get into that either, I have it in my other journal explain his relationship and how I feel about him. But, just for me. I'm not going to do anything. I'm not going to stick my nose into his relationship. If they break up then they break up and I'll be happy. This sounds bad of me, but I can get my coyote back again finally be the happiest tiger ever. But I'll wait for him to be ready for that. It's his life and he should do what he wants too. And I'll follow either as a lover or a friend. Though if they don't break up then they don't and I'll continue to be me.
And I remember hearing a girl say this to my friend one day. I remember it clearly, we were at Starbucks when it happened. My friend was going through a break up. He said he wasn't sure if he was going to go back into another relationship. And the barista, who I guess knew my friend, said. Well you should. Even if you don't know what you want in a relationship you should still just go out there. Because, with the more relationship you go through, the more you know what you want in a relationship. And the easier it is to find the perfect match for you.
*smiles*
Gnnn
Posted 10 years ago*sigh* Well fuck...
Dear Journal, thanks...
Posted 10 years agoDear journal.
I know I don’t talk to you at all that much, anymore. But I just need something to express myself with.
Lately I’ve been getting a lot stress; just a lot. Work doesn’t make it any better. Too many customers wanting their food three seconds after they order it. God forbid we make a mistake on it. I know accidents happen, but its like it’s unacceptable for a human to make a mistake in food service. Not only that but my workload just shot out the roof. Being a manager and doing an employee’s job full time really takes its toll.
And since I’ve been doing nothing but working, and too tired to do anything else, I’ve been just lonely. I feel like a dog trapped in his cage. The four corners of this prison feels like it’s slowly closing in on me. In a normal circumstance I would be hanging out with friends, having a good time. Enjoying life. But not anymore, not after four months ago. Something happened, I don’t know what. I was in love. Enjoying it, then it turned for the worst. I’m not sure if I did it, or said something to make it happen. But I went from loving my boyfriend to being terrified and afraid, afraid of talking to my friends that I normally talk too. Terrified that I might do something that will make him lash out or something. I don’t know, my relationship started falling apart. And now I feel like I’m the one holding him back. I should end it, but… I don’t know. Failing relationships are never a good thing.
And now that he’s in jail (yeah there’s a whole other story involving that I rather not get into), I’ve just been thinking and feeling even lonelier. My roller coaster is nothing but small inclines and deep drop sometimes, and then a small, ascending turn, to which it drops back down. But there is a small glimmer of hope.
I don’t know. I kept it in the back of my mind; every now and then it would pop up in my dreams. And then I would cry because I just missed it. I still remember how it felt being with him. This person. This special person who doesn’t think of him as such, but it doesn’t matter. Call a rose by any other name. It’s still a rose and beautiful, right? Mmm, this coyote, I’m sure he’ll probably read this, but whatever. I just need this out of my chest, journal. I mean I can’t do it normally; I haven’t really spilt myself to my friends that I started talking too.
Ever since I first met him I couldn’t stop talking to him. At first I would see him online on the chat, and I would talk to him. I was depressed at the time, yeah. Like I am now, but probably not as bad as I once was, or it could be worse now that it once was; who knows, I digress. Anyways, I would talk to him, tell him what I’m going though, spilt my heart out to him. And naturally he would talk back, and by the way he spoke (typed), I just felt better. All my problems disappeared and I was happy again. I still feel this way, even after the long hiatus that formed between us. But now it’s different. I’m not sure, but I think he’s also in a failing relationship. But I don’t want to step in, not yet. Not again. I still felt bad after the first time when I stuck my nose and… basically broke a relationship off and stepped in. Not again, I should wait. Or just not even think about it, but I can’t. I lose sleep sometimes, just thinking about him. Waiting for him to get on so I can talk to him about our day, what’s happening, so on and so forth. There are times where I we would do this, other times I miss him or he never gets on. Which saddens me, but I move on. I’m starting to dream about him. God, I sound like a complete stocker. Shit. Well, anyways back to spilling my heart out.
My dreams consist of just visits. Finally meeting the person I crushed on. And when I have those dreams I wake up feeling the best that I have in a long time. I felt like I got a great night sleep, no worries in my mind, just another beautiful day in paradise. But those dreams are few and far between. There I just some things that I wish I had the courage to ask him, but I’m extremely afraid of what the answer might be. I shouldn’t, but I am. Some questions would include, probably I don’t know…
Would we ever be with each other? Go out on a date? Even see each other some day? Do we even share the same feelings for each other?
I would ask these questions, but every time I want to talk to him, start out the conversation, I feel like I’m intruding. Like I’m actually bothering him because I’m being all… eeee! I also feel like I try poking at him, you know start a conversation, he just ignores it, a “oh, it’s John, what does he want now.” Or is it just my mind. I get so confused some times, I don’t know if these are actual fears, or truth, or just my self-conscious mind making stuff up, or maybe a mixture between all three. Yeah I know there’s a lot of ‘I don’t know’, but what can I say. Or maybe it’s just my mind and soul trying to just reach out and connect with someone. Because I do get very lonely some times, me being alone isn’t all that great of a mixture.
Truth be told, though. I would, in all honesty, be back with the greatest person in my life. But that selfish of me, isn’t it? Some times I wonder why? And how come? But I do envision myself going through the process of just going up North and visiting. Or he coming down and visiting. Either way, or meeting halfway, who knows.
I do feel like a bother some times. And if the coyote does read this, I hope that he doesn’t think weirdly of me, or I’m intruding or whatever…
But, thanks again journal, for listening and being there. You’re just like the bear I sleep with… always there to comfort me when I really need someone.
Thanks…
Traska…
I know I don’t talk to you at all that much, anymore. But I just need something to express myself with.
Lately I’ve been getting a lot stress; just a lot. Work doesn’t make it any better. Too many customers wanting their food three seconds after they order it. God forbid we make a mistake on it. I know accidents happen, but its like it’s unacceptable for a human to make a mistake in food service. Not only that but my workload just shot out the roof. Being a manager and doing an employee’s job full time really takes its toll.
And since I’ve been doing nothing but working, and too tired to do anything else, I’ve been just lonely. I feel like a dog trapped in his cage. The four corners of this prison feels like it’s slowly closing in on me. In a normal circumstance I would be hanging out with friends, having a good time. Enjoying life. But not anymore, not after four months ago. Something happened, I don’t know what. I was in love. Enjoying it, then it turned for the worst. I’m not sure if I did it, or said something to make it happen. But I went from loving my boyfriend to being terrified and afraid, afraid of talking to my friends that I normally talk too. Terrified that I might do something that will make him lash out or something. I don’t know, my relationship started falling apart. And now I feel like I’m the one holding him back. I should end it, but… I don’t know. Failing relationships are never a good thing.
And now that he’s in jail (yeah there’s a whole other story involving that I rather not get into), I’ve just been thinking and feeling even lonelier. My roller coaster is nothing but small inclines and deep drop sometimes, and then a small, ascending turn, to which it drops back down. But there is a small glimmer of hope.
I don’t know. I kept it in the back of my mind; every now and then it would pop up in my dreams. And then I would cry because I just missed it. I still remember how it felt being with him. This person. This special person who doesn’t think of him as such, but it doesn’t matter. Call a rose by any other name. It’s still a rose and beautiful, right? Mmm, this coyote, I’m sure he’ll probably read this, but whatever. I just need this out of my chest, journal. I mean I can’t do it normally; I haven’t really spilt myself to my friends that I started talking too.
Ever since I first met him I couldn’t stop talking to him. At first I would see him online on the chat, and I would talk to him. I was depressed at the time, yeah. Like I am now, but probably not as bad as I once was, or it could be worse now that it once was; who knows, I digress. Anyways, I would talk to him, tell him what I’m going though, spilt my heart out to him. And naturally he would talk back, and by the way he spoke (typed), I just felt better. All my problems disappeared and I was happy again. I still feel this way, even after the long hiatus that formed between us. But now it’s different. I’m not sure, but I think he’s also in a failing relationship. But I don’t want to step in, not yet. Not again. I still felt bad after the first time when I stuck my nose and… basically broke a relationship off and stepped in. Not again, I should wait. Or just not even think about it, but I can’t. I lose sleep sometimes, just thinking about him. Waiting for him to get on so I can talk to him about our day, what’s happening, so on and so forth. There are times where I we would do this, other times I miss him or he never gets on. Which saddens me, but I move on. I’m starting to dream about him. God, I sound like a complete stocker. Shit. Well, anyways back to spilling my heart out.
My dreams consist of just visits. Finally meeting the person I crushed on. And when I have those dreams I wake up feeling the best that I have in a long time. I felt like I got a great night sleep, no worries in my mind, just another beautiful day in paradise. But those dreams are few and far between. There I just some things that I wish I had the courage to ask him, but I’m extremely afraid of what the answer might be. I shouldn’t, but I am. Some questions would include, probably I don’t know…
Would we ever be with each other? Go out on a date? Even see each other some day? Do we even share the same feelings for each other?
I would ask these questions, but every time I want to talk to him, start out the conversation, I feel like I’m intruding. Like I’m actually bothering him because I’m being all… eeee! I also feel like I try poking at him, you know start a conversation, he just ignores it, a “oh, it’s John, what does he want now.” Or is it just my mind. I get so confused some times, I don’t know if these are actual fears, or truth, or just my self-conscious mind making stuff up, or maybe a mixture between all three. Yeah I know there’s a lot of ‘I don’t know’, but what can I say. Or maybe it’s just my mind and soul trying to just reach out and connect with someone. Because I do get very lonely some times, me being alone isn’t all that great of a mixture.
Truth be told, though. I would, in all honesty, be back with the greatest person in my life. But that selfish of me, isn’t it? Some times I wonder why? And how come? But I do envision myself going through the process of just going up North and visiting. Or he coming down and visiting. Either way, or meeting halfway, who knows.
I do feel like a bother some times. And if the coyote does read this, I hope that he doesn’t think weirdly of me, or I’m intruding or whatever…
But, thanks again journal, for listening and being there. You’re just like the bear I sleep with… always there to comfort me when I really need someone.
Thanks…
Traska…
A Journal in I-don't-know-how-many-years
Posted 11 years agoI guess post or whatever and I'll do it.
1. Tell you what animal/creature you remind me of.
2. Tell you what color I think fits you.
3. Tell you how I feel about you.
4. Insult you.
5. Tell you my favorite OC of yours. (If you have one...)
6. Tell you what season you remind me of.
7. Tell you what food you smell like in my head.
8. Think of a random nickname for you.
9. Tell you what element you remind me of.
10. Ask you to put this in your journal without using the words 'tag'
o. o
.....tag
1. Tell you what animal/creature you remind me of.
2. Tell you what color I think fits you.
3. Tell you how I feel about you.
4. Insult you.
5. Tell you my favorite OC of yours. (If you have one...)
6. Tell you what season you remind me of.
7. Tell you what food you smell like in my head.
8. Think of a random nickname for you.
9. Tell you what element you remind me of.
10. Ask you to put this in your journal without using the words 'tag'
o. o
.....tag
Le rawr
Posted 12 years agoWhy because meow
Something that won't be read
Posted 12 years agoMy birthday is coming up soon, did you know that? No? Well it is.
June 17, 1993.
20 years. 20 years. And in the past two have I had some strange things happen..... And the worst. But I did have my share of good things in my life, don't get me wrong about that. Two of which I remember, from my not so distant past--though it felt like an eternity**-- of my life, are two individuals that left a big hand-print, paw-print? What have you, they left it. And I can't be thankful enough in meeting them: Mr Collie and Mr Coyote.
One of them, I wish I had back, but I probably will never have the chance to, though I wish him a wonderful life and hope he finds someone how is equally, if not far more, better that I am and will always make him smile, laugh, and glow, like I did. I will never forget who he his, what he did, how talented his is, how smart his is, how annoying he got, or the laughs and joke we brought. Something makes me wish I could just go back... and... relive. But doesn't everyone with their memories?
And the other, who I wish I can have, but probably won't because that's my life. He makes me happy by talking to him; makes my troubles seem to vanish; puts me into a better mood. Something about him that just feels.... right. Something about him that just makes me glow inside and tingle; something that just makes me feel safe, and loved, and happy. Makes me wish I could just go over there and surprise him. How? I'm not sure. But something clever.
But with the good memories there's always the evil bad ones that you just want to let go and hide, and to never be released into the air, for as long as you life. But it does. And that's where good friends should some in... if you have one of those.
20 years, 40 more to go, maybe.... And I always think to myself..... "Was it me?"
June 17, 1993.
20 years. 20 years. And in the past two have I had some strange things happen..... And the worst. But I did have my share of good things in my life, don't get me wrong about that. Two of which I remember, from my not so distant past--though it felt like an eternity**-- of my life, are two individuals that left a big hand-print, paw-print? What have you, they left it. And I can't be thankful enough in meeting them: Mr Collie and Mr Coyote.
One of them, I wish I had back, but I probably will never have the chance to, though I wish him a wonderful life and hope he finds someone how is equally, if not far more, better that I am and will always make him smile, laugh, and glow, like I did. I will never forget who he his, what he did, how talented his is, how smart his is, how annoying he got, or the laughs and joke we brought. Something makes me wish I could just go back... and... relive. But doesn't everyone with their memories?
And the other, who I wish I can have, but probably won't because that's my life. He makes me happy by talking to him; makes my troubles seem to vanish; puts me into a better mood. Something about him that just feels.... right. Something about him that just makes me glow inside and tingle; something that just makes me feel safe, and loved, and happy. Makes me wish I could just go over there and surprise him. How? I'm not sure. But something clever.
But with the good memories there's always the evil bad ones that you just want to let go and hide, and to never be released into the air, for as long as you life. But it does. And that's where good friends should some in... if you have one of those.
20 years, 40 more to go, maybe.... And I always think to myself..... "Was it me?"
No Subject
Posted 12 years agoMeow
It hurts
Posted 13 years agoI'm sorry, I don't even know what I've done, but I'm sorry. I'm not sure if I bothered you too much that you won't talk to me anymore. For that I'm sorry. Just been through a lot and I have no one here to hug me. You should've told me something, I would've stopped.
I think I should just disappear, hid in my corner from the world with my pillow to keep me compony, like it has for oh so many years. All I wanted was to be your, and I still do. I heard that it just has to happen, it needs to. There's something in me that just won't go away, no matter how much I try, like a large fire. I still love you.... and it kind of hurts that I'm getting mix messages. I can't tell anymore. Don't feel bad... Its not your fault. I just don't know anymore.
All I need is love, that'll keep me going. No matter what happens to me, love comforts me. It helps me through tough things. And I still want it to be you. As long as there's light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how far the tunnel may be, I'll walk it. Though, there's a few things that seem to stop it. One that can be fixed. And i'm going to make it happen, I'm getting to get over there. Even if it kills me. And the only way for me to stop is if I die. And I don't see that happening anytime soon. The other.......
I'm sorry... but i guess I should say something that I really hate saying. Something that makes me tear up and cry every time I say it. But, if you wanna talk, you know where to find me; you know how to reach me.
Goodbye..... psycho
I think I should just disappear, hid in my corner from the world with my pillow to keep me compony, like it has for oh so many years. All I wanted was to be your, and I still do. I heard that it just has to happen, it needs to. There's something in me that just won't go away, no matter how much I try, like a large fire. I still love you.... and it kind of hurts that I'm getting mix messages. I can't tell anymore. Don't feel bad... Its not your fault. I just don't know anymore.
All I need is love, that'll keep me going. No matter what happens to me, love comforts me. It helps me through tough things. And I still want it to be you. As long as there's light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how far the tunnel may be, I'll walk it. Though, there's a few things that seem to stop it. One that can be fixed. And i'm going to make it happen, I'm getting to get over there. Even if it kills me. And the only way for me to stop is if I die. And I don't see that happening anytime soon. The other.......
I'm sorry... but i guess I should say something that I really hate saying. Something that makes me tear up and cry every time I say it. But, if you wanna talk, you know where to find me; you know how to reach me.
Goodbye..... psycho
