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Life Update: Job, identity and what the future holds
Posted 2 months agoThings have been… chaotic to say the least.
In my previous journal I talked about my first day at this new job, in this one I’m going to talk about my last. Yeah, I lost it. I have a few more weeks but at the end of this month I’ll no longer be working there. I’m still on good terms with everyone and there’s a possibility of returning in future, essentially it all boiled down to money. I was on a fixed term contract working at a nursery and had been under the impression that once the six month contract had expired, I’d be able sign a new one with a better salary as the past few months were supposed to be something of a training period. Because of circumstances like new owners, overstaffing and a cut to funding it was decided that renewing my contract would no longer be possible, so that’s that I guess.
I’m crushed. I feel like I struck gold in finding that job. It’s so rare I find an environment where I feel so comfortable with the people around me? There’s the surface level stuff, like how nobody, not even the kids has ever misgendered me or seen me as anything different to any other woman in their lives. But personality too, these tiny people see right through me with zero judgement or prejudice. Everything that the wider world would consider weird or abnormal is just accepted by these kids, they have such pure souls, just completely untainted by what society says is right or wrong. I guess I never felt as if I was too much of an oddball if that makes sense. Because in being fun and goofy, I guess it communicated to them that they were safe in being fun and goofy around me in return. Giving them a space to just… have fun. All my strange lil quirks actually ended up working to my benefit more times than not. Getting to comfort an autistic kid during a crisis by talking for an hour about Paw Patrol was something that just came naturally cus who the hell else could I nerd out about Paw Patrol with? Who other than kids would understand obscure Bluey references or be able to name the Sanrio or MLP characters? I definitely think the reason my little side has flourished the past few months is because I’d found a place where having a youthful spirit allows you to thrive and make meaningful connections with others. And my colleagues too? All oddballs in their own way. Maybe not to the same extremes but enough to the point that they never made me feel that being quirky was something I needed to hide.
Then there’s everything to do with Broker and how this super special character ended up becoming special to other people aswell. I have a custom plush toy of her and would take it into the room sometimes just as a comfort item for when things became too overwhelming. I’d do little doodles of her often and eventually these kids really took a shine to her. The plush wasn’t like the others in the room, this one had STATUS as it was only allowed out when I was there to supervise and keep damage to a minimum. And overtime Broker became kind of a classroom celebrity and it was just incredible to see. She genuinely had an effect on them. How carrying her plush around gave some kids so much more confidence or how excited they got when I brought out a new activity sheet for them featuring her. Hearing them constantly ask about her like she was a real person is something I’m really gonna miss.
I just felt embraced there. I was proud of the work I was doing. It wasn’t easy but overtime I learned the routine and truly carved a place for myself. I found what my niches were and I capitalised on them with doodle sessions, art classes, activity sheets and other activities generally revolving around creativity or illustration. I grew my confidence up, from my first week where I only spoke when spoken to all the way up to now where I’ll volunteer for story reading or circle activities. All I ever wanted to do, was to do right by these kids, to give them an open, accepting and fun space where they could learn, laugh and thrive. To teach them to love others and themselves, and reiterate that believing in themselves would take them anywhere. I’m leaving with so many incredible memories but my biggest fear is thinking that I’ll never being able to find a place where I’ll be able to feel like that again. That I’ve struck gold once and now I’m gonna go back to being some strange anomaly again with nowhere to go where I’ll fit in.
I’ve had ups and downs with navigating my little side. This bizarre compulsion to “grow up the right way” has led me to incredible places, but also has me feeling like more of an alien than ever. I’m not one to keep things hidden. I had 23 years of emotional repression and keeping things to myself pre-transition, and I’ve realised that if I’m going to become the person I want to be, I gotta let go of the shame and just be myself, whether others like that or not. That includes my affinity for creating a childhood I wish I had growing up. My family knows, a couple of my coworkers know, my friends all know, and with everything being out there in the open you’d think I’d have some anxieties about how people perceive me. And yeah, sometimes that’s the case, a lot of the times it isn’t, I guess I just run with pretty cool and accepting circles.
One thing I wasn’t expecting was that confidence in who you are can be so ostracising. I’m hyper aware that I have issues, traumas, manners of healing which are unique to me and strange to others. I did have someone in my close family say some utterly horrendous things to me a couple weeks ago. The type of awful things you can’t take back. They wanted to make me feel shame, they would rather I be normal and miserable than myself and happy. They attacked a part of me so pure and harmless and reconciling with that has not been easy. I even turned to more dangerous and violent methods of self soothing at one point, something I’ve not had to do ever since I started embracing regression. Cutting them out of my life is not something I’m able to do right this moment, we’re literally in the same household and even if money did permit it, I wouldn’t wanna leave my other family members with them alone. But attacking something so deeply intertwined with my identity and journey for peace is not something I’ll forget, I’m stubborn and spiteful, and won’t let ignorance scare me into being someone I’m not.
I guess I just wished the world was a more open and accepting place. Where quirks which aren’t as normalised as others can be embraced regardless, as opposed to being met with fear and precaution. Especially when the intentions are so pure and harmless. I genuinely believe I’d have an easier time fitting into this world if I just solved my problems with drugs or alcohol because at least that’s something people are aware of. They have some level of comprehension because of how normalised and widely understood those coping mechanisms are, harmful as they may be. They won’t judge or make assumptions out of fear because it’s known to them, whereas regressing to a younger headspace, playing with toys and stuffed animals, wearing colourful clothes and watching cartoons, using bottles and pacifiers, even wearing diapers as a headspace tool, are all things so beyond their ability to understand that a common reaction is to just respond out of fear or assumption to try and rationalise it all. I wish that whole “being afraid of what you don’t understand” just wasn’t something so prevalent in todays world where so many people are trying to find themselves, but end up having to hide away the parts which aren’t as palatable to others.
I don’t exactly know what the future holds for me. I have BFC coming up which I’ve luckily been saving for. Beyond that money is gonna be rough for a while so I’m likely gonna get on the commission grind to build myself back up again and keep on top of my transition meds. I deferred from Uni way back in May to focus more on the job and my transition. I’ll likely end up going back as I’m only a few more months away from graduating with a masters in film. Passion for it has waned a bit so delving back into films which aren’t made for children is gonna be a good start! But yeah, if Bluey taught me anything it’s how to pick myself up, dry my tears, dust myself off and keep going. I’ll always do my best to spread positivity and love where I can. I’ve found a real sanctuary within my online communities and giving back to them by being a positive influence is very important to me. With that said, so much love to you all, be weird, be wonderful, love yourself and never be ashamed to be the person you are <3
In my previous journal I talked about my first day at this new job, in this one I’m going to talk about my last. Yeah, I lost it. I have a few more weeks but at the end of this month I’ll no longer be working there. I’m still on good terms with everyone and there’s a possibility of returning in future, essentially it all boiled down to money. I was on a fixed term contract working at a nursery and had been under the impression that once the six month contract had expired, I’d be able sign a new one with a better salary as the past few months were supposed to be something of a training period. Because of circumstances like new owners, overstaffing and a cut to funding it was decided that renewing my contract would no longer be possible, so that’s that I guess.
I’m crushed. I feel like I struck gold in finding that job. It’s so rare I find an environment where I feel so comfortable with the people around me? There’s the surface level stuff, like how nobody, not even the kids has ever misgendered me or seen me as anything different to any other woman in their lives. But personality too, these tiny people see right through me with zero judgement or prejudice. Everything that the wider world would consider weird or abnormal is just accepted by these kids, they have such pure souls, just completely untainted by what society says is right or wrong. I guess I never felt as if I was too much of an oddball if that makes sense. Because in being fun and goofy, I guess it communicated to them that they were safe in being fun and goofy around me in return. Giving them a space to just… have fun. All my strange lil quirks actually ended up working to my benefit more times than not. Getting to comfort an autistic kid during a crisis by talking for an hour about Paw Patrol was something that just came naturally cus who the hell else could I nerd out about Paw Patrol with? Who other than kids would understand obscure Bluey references or be able to name the Sanrio or MLP characters? I definitely think the reason my little side has flourished the past few months is because I’d found a place where having a youthful spirit allows you to thrive and make meaningful connections with others. And my colleagues too? All oddballs in their own way. Maybe not to the same extremes but enough to the point that they never made me feel that being quirky was something I needed to hide.
Then there’s everything to do with Broker and how this super special character ended up becoming special to other people aswell. I have a custom plush toy of her and would take it into the room sometimes just as a comfort item for when things became too overwhelming. I’d do little doodles of her often and eventually these kids really took a shine to her. The plush wasn’t like the others in the room, this one had STATUS as it was only allowed out when I was there to supervise and keep damage to a minimum. And overtime Broker became kind of a classroom celebrity and it was just incredible to see. She genuinely had an effect on them. How carrying her plush around gave some kids so much more confidence or how excited they got when I brought out a new activity sheet for them featuring her. Hearing them constantly ask about her like she was a real person is something I’m really gonna miss.
I just felt embraced there. I was proud of the work I was doing. It wasn’t easy but overtime I learned the routine and truly carved a place for myself. I found what my niches were and I capitalised on them with doodle sessions, art classes, activity sheets and other activities generally revolving around creativity or illustration. I grew my confidence up, from my first week where I only spoke when spoken to all the way up to now where I’ll volunteer for story reading or circle activities. All I ever wanted to do, was to do right by these kids, to give them an open, accepting and fun space where they could learn, laugh and thrive. To teach them to love others and themselves, and reiterate that believing in themselves would take them anywhere. I’m leaving with so many incredible memories but my biggest fear is thinking that I’ll never being able to find a place where I’ll be able to feel like that again. That I’ve struck gold once and now I’m gonna go back to being some strange anomaly again with nowhere to go where I’ll fit in.
I’ve had ups and downs with navigating my little side. This bizarre compulsion to “grow up the right way” has led me to incredible places, but also has me feeling like more of an alien than ever. I’m not one to keep things hidden. I had 23 years of emotional repression and keeping things to myself pre-transition, and I’ve realised that if I’m going to become the person I want to be, I gotta let go of the shame and just be myself, whether others like that or not. That includes my affinity for creating a childhood I wish I had growing up. My family knows, a couple of my coworkers know, my friends all know, and with everything being out there in the open you’d think I’d have some anxieties about how people perceive me. And yeah, sometimes that’s the case, a lot of the times it isn’t, I guess I just run with pretty cool and accepting circles.
One thing I wasn’t expecting was that confidence in who you are can be so ostracising. I’m hyper aware that I have issues, traumas, manners of healing which are unique to me and strange to others. I did have someone in my close family say some utterly horrendous things to me a couple weeks ago. The type of awful things you can’t take back. They wanted to make me feel shame, they would rather I be normal and miserable than myself and happy. They attacked a part of me so pure and harmless and reconciling with that has not been easy. I even turned to more dangerous and violent methods of self soothing at one point, something I’ve not had to do ever since I started embracing regression. Cutting them out of my life is not something I’m able to do right this moment, we’re literally in the same household and even if money did permit it, I wouldn’t wanna leave my other family members with them alone. But attacking something so deeply intertwined with my identity and journey for peace is not something I’ll forget, I’m stubborn and spiteful, and won’t let ignorance scare me into being someone I’m not.
I guess I just wished the world was a more open and accepting place. Where quirks which aren’t as normalised as others can be embraced regardless, as opposed to being met with fear and precaution. Especially when the intentions are so pure and harmless. I genuinely believe I’d have an easier time fitting into this world if I just solved my problems with drugs or alcohol because at least that’s something people are aware of. They have some level of comprehension because of how normalised and widely understood those coping mechanisms are, harmful as they may be. They won’t judge or make assumptions out of fear because it’s known to them, whereas regressing to a younger headspace, playing with toys and stuffed animals, wearing colourful clothes and watching cartoons, using bottles and pacifiers, even wearing diapers as a headspace tool, are all things so beyond their ability to understand that a common reaction is to just respond out of fear or assumption to try and rationalise it all. I wish that whole “being afraid of what you don’t understand” just wasn’t something so prevalent in todays world where so many people are trying to find themselves, but end up having to hide away the parts which aren’t as palatable to others.
I don’t exactly know what the future holds for me. I have BFC coming up which I’ve luckily been saving for. Beyond that money is gonna be rough for a while so I’m likely gonna get on the commission grind to build myself back up again and keep on top of my transition meds. I deferred from Uni way back in May to focus more on the job and my transition. I’ll likely end up going back as I’m only a few more months away from graduating with a masters in film. Passion for it has waned a bit so delving back into films which aren’t made for children is gonna be a good start! But yeah, if Bluey taught me anything it’s how to pick myself up, dry my tears, dust myself off and keep going. I’ll always do my best to spread positivity and love where I can. I’ve found a real sanctuary within my online communities and giving back to them by being a positive influence is very important to me. With that said, so much love to you all, be weird, be wonderful, love yourself and never be ashamed to be the person you are <3
Life Update: vBFC, Age Regression, New Job, Therapy
Posted 7 months agoALRIGHTY we’ve had a hectic month, it’s been adventurous, enlightening and emotionally exhausting. I’m getting on super well as a Nursery worker! Building solid connections with the kids and colleagues, learning what works best for each individual, strategies to calm kids down, engage them in activities and inventing fun new ways to play. Had vBFC which I’m so glad I chose to attend, loved feeling part of a community so weird and wonderful, I truly started to feel like this little niche of mine didn’t make me some sort of freak of nature? Like some complete subversion of social norms. During the closing ceremony one of the speakers said the following-
“Being a babyfur is what brought you here, allowed you to have so much fun this weekend. Gives you an amazing gift of being able to understand what it feels like to be misunderstood and shows you that life doesn’t have as many rules as we thought it did growing up. If anybody ever tries to bring you down for your identity, remember this weekend, and remember that this is your superpower”.
Yeah I teared up a bit LOL. It wasn’t the first time that happened during the event, it was a very emotionally taxing weekend after all. I quite literally laughed, cried and felt a deep sense of peace and understanding radiating from those around me. Even when surrounded by so many strangers, I felt part of something? This weekend, everything that happened and all the people I spoke to, really opened my mind a bit and helped me to understand my place within all this.
Now I never considered myself a babyfur as opposed to a little or age regressor. But after vBFC I’m starting to see these are somewhat mutually intertwined. I had the opportunity to speak to a therapist again as well as others from similar walks of life, we went over age regression and why it might be happening to me. As well as what sets me apart from others in the babyfur community which became more clear as the weekend went on. I kinda realised that regressing isn’t so much of a recreational activity for me as it is for others. It’s something that spontaneously happens during periods of stress or anxiety. Like recently for example, starting this new job has led to many regressed nights cuddled up with plushies and pacifiers. Like over Christmas where disappointment over the clothes I was gifted not fitting, led me to attempting something extremely dangerous. The danger not really registering to me, rather I was taken over by a kind of immature naivety that blinded me to how terrible of an idea it was. Or how when I spider ran across my pillow a few months back (similarly to a terrifying event that happened when I was 4 or 5) and I had what can only be described as a temper tantrum because nobody was available to get rid of it for me. What’s more I find that if my head gets noisy and my thoughts become super muddled, I talk a lot less, sometimes even going non-verbal, stimming or rocking back and forth to try and steady myself.
Like I said, I had just assumed these were strange recreational activities, at most it was an autistic trait. But now I’m realising it’s indicative of something much deeper. I always knew I picked up a lot of trauma from childhood, but never thought it was so severe that it could affect my day to day life as a 23 year old.
I wrote it all down in my notes app so I have something to show other people in my life that’ll hopefully explain what age regression is, what causes it, how it affects me, what happens during an episode and how I can be supported through it. Now this may be a silly thing to have done but I actually showed this to my boss. I feel like I’m quite an easy person to misinterpret so have this strange need to be as open and transparent as possible to anyone who becomes part of my life. I kinda get that I should keep some things to myself but that leads to quite a lot of anxiety. Like what if they discover something by themselves and get the wrong idea? I don’t see this stuff as being particularly harmful, it’s always been this non-destructive coping mechanism but due to how bizarre it is, there’s kinda this expectation I keep it to myself? Chalk it up to autism but I don’t get that at all, I don’t understand the social rules of keeping your strange quirks to yourself so you appear more “normal” to the outside world. Do I like myself? Not really. Am I ‘proud’ of these traits? Absolutely not, there’s still so much shame that comes with admitting it. Will keeping it secret help? Not a chance, the more people in my life who know and understand the better. At least that’s the way I see it.
My boss was super kind and sympathetic when I told her. She had already noticed I had been super disregulated on Monday so was happy I felt comfortable enough opening up about what was really going on. She reassured me, telling me I have nothing to be ashamed of. She encouraged me, telling me to embrace my inner child as I’m kinda in the perfect environment for it. A youthful energy really helps you out in a Nursery LOL. She even gave me the idea to start a blog. A blog where I recreate moments from my childhood. Saying “you didn’t enjoy certain things from your childhood because you were a boy right? So do them again now, as a girl. Log your experiences, recreate childhood photos, buy the girly toys you wished you had, ask your Mum to get involved, make it a monthly thing where you take a trip together and do something you used to do when you were little”.
I still don’t know if confessing this was a good idea or not. Anxiety is telling me she left that conversation ready to fire me for being such a freaking weirdo. But today I took her advice. Showed up to work in pretty kidcore clothes, took my plushie in with me and joined in with a lot more games and activities than I usually would. I had a real ‘spring in my step’ today, I quite literally felt like a bolt of lightning, there was so much energy to me just running around from activity to activity. I’m not exactly an active or a physically fit person but I had STAMINA today LOL. And this all kinda serves to prove me right? I attribute all this to opening up and the sense of relief I felt going into work knowing I wasn’t carrying some huge secret. It may be weird, it may be something I should keep to myself, but when opening up makes me all the better at what I do, why keep it hidden in the first place?
Buuuuuut anxiety is still telling me everyone hates me, they think I’m weird, they don’t want me around yada yada. I’m quite self conscious of taking ten minutes to reconfigure myself when the job leads to moments of sensory overload. It happens usually once, two times max per day. Definitely feel a bit guilty doing that and I’m scared it might prove to be a problem moving forward.
Making plans to attend quite a few more conventions this year! Just had vBFC but next month we have LBL, then in May we have Confuzzled, June/July has Anthrocon and I’m also gonna see if I can make BFC in September? I spent a lot of last year just locked in my room so want to see if I can push myself this year and be more social with these conventions!
This has been a pretty disorganised journal, but better to write it all down than keep it as jumbled thoughts! All my love to those I spent my time with this weekend, thank you for embracing me the way you did. I don’t know what the future will hold, but despite all the anxiety and the fear that the people around me all hate me, I feel good? Like I have this youthful energy all of a sudden and I’m excited to see where it takes me :)
“Being a babyfur is what brought you here, allowed you to have so much fun this weekend. Gives you an amazing gift of being able to understand what it feels like to be misunderstood and shows you that life doesn’t have as many rules as we thought it did growing up. If anybody ever tries to bring you down for your identity, remember this weekend, and remember that this is your superpower”.
Yeah I teared up a bit LOL. It wasn’t the first time that happened during the event, it was a very emotionally taxing weekend after all. I quite literally laughed, cried and felt a deep sense of peace and understanding radiating from those around me. Even when surrounded by so many strangers, I felt part of something? This weekend, everything that happened and all the people I spoke to, really opened my mind a bit and helped me to understand my place within all this.
Now I never considered myself a babyfur as opposed to a little or age regressor. But after vBFC I’m starting to see these are somewhat mutually intertwined. I had the opportunity to speak to a therapist again as well as others from similar walks of life, we went over age regression and why it might be happening to me. As well as what sets me apart from others in the babyfur community which became more clear as the weekend went on. I kinda realised that regressing isn’t so much of a recreational activity for me as it is for others. It’s something that spontaneously happens during periods of stress or anxiety. Like recently for example, starting this new job has led to many regressed nights cuddled up with plushies and pacifiers. Like over Christmas where disappointment over the clothes I was gifted not fitting, led me to attempting something extremely dangerous. The danger not really registering to me, rather I was taken over by a kind of immature naivety that blinded me to how terrible of an idea it was. Or how when I spider ran across my pillow a few months back (similarly to a terrifying event that happened when I was 4 or 5) and I had what can only be described as a temper tantrum because nobody was available to get rid of it for me. What’s more I find that if my head gets noisy and my thoughts become super muddled, I talk a lot less, sometimes even going non-verbal, stimming or rocking back and forth to try and steady myself.
Like I said, I had just assumed these were strange recreational activities, at most it was an autistic trait. But now I’m realising it’s indicative of something much deeper. I always knew I picked up a lot of trauma from childhood, but never thought it was so severe that it could affect my day to day life as a 23 year old.
I wrote it all down in my notes app so I have something to show other people in my life that’ll hopefully explain what age regression is, what causes it, how it affects me, what happens during an episode and how I can be supported through it. Now this may be a silly thing to have done but I actually showed this to my boss. I feel like I’m quite an easy person to misinterpret so have this strange need to be as open and transparent as possible to anyone who becomes part of my life. I kinda get that I should keep some things to myself but that leads to quite a lot of anxiety. Like what if they discover something by themselves and get the wrong idea? I don’t see this stuff as being particularly harmful, it’s always been this non-destructive coping mechanism but due to how bizarre it is, there’s kinda this expectation I keep it to myself? Chalk it up to autism but I don’t get that at all, I don’t understand the social rules of keeping your strange quirks to yourself so you appear more “normal” to the outside world. Do I like myself? Not really. Am I ‘proud’ of these traits? Absolutely not, there’s still so much shame that comes with admitting it. Will keeping it secret help? Not a chance, the more people in my life who know and understand the better. At least that’s the way I see it.
My boss was super kind and sympathetic when I told her. She had already noticed I had been super disregulated on Monday so was happy I felt comfortable enough opening up about what was really going on. She reassured me, telling me I have nothing to be ashamed of. She encouraged me, telling me to embrace my inner child as I’m kinda in the perfect environment for it. A youthful energy really helps you out in a Nursery LOL. She even gave me the idea to start a blog. A blog where I recreate moments from my childhood. Saying “you didn’t enjoy certain things from your childhood because you were a boy right? So do them again now, as a girl. Log your experiences, recreate childhood photos, buy the girly toys you wished you had, ask your Mum to get involved, make it a monthly thing where you take a trip together and do something you used to do when you were little”.
I still don’t know if confessing this was a good idea or not. Anxiety is telling me she left that conversation ready to fire me for being such a freaking weirdo. But today I took her advice. Showed up to work in pretty kidcore clothes, took my plushie in with me and joined in with a lot more games and activities than I usually would. I had a real ‘spring in my step’ today, I quite literally felt like a bolt of lightning, there was so much energy to me just running around from activity to activity. I’m not exactly an active or a physically fit person but I had STAMINA today LOL. And this all kinda serves to prove me right? I attribute all this to opening up and the sense of relief I felt going into work knowing I wasn’t carrying some huge secret. It may be weird, it may be something I should keep to myself, but when opening up makes me all the better at what I do, why keep it hidden in the first place?
Buuuuuut anxiety is still telling me everyone hates me, they think I’m weird, they don’t want me around yada yada. I’m quite self conscious of taking ten minutes to reconfigure myself when the job leads to moments of sensory overload. It happens usually once, two times max per day. Definitely feel a bit guilty doing that and I’m scared it might prove to be a problem moving forward.
Making plans to attend quite a few more conventions this year! Just had vBFC but next month we have LBL, then in May we have Confuzzled, June/July has Anthrocon and I’m also gonna see if I can make BFC in September? I spent a lot of last year just locked in my room so want to see if I can push myself this year and be more social with these conventions!
This has been a pretty disorganised journal, but better to write it all down than keep it as jumbled thoughts! All my love to those I spent my time with this weekend, thank you for embracing me the way you did. I don’t know what the future will hold, but despite all the anxiety and the fear that the people around me all hate me, I feel good? Like I have this youthful energy all of a sudden and I’m excited to see where it takes me :)
I started a new job today!
Posted 7 months agoI am officially an early years educator!
Believe me the irony of ME working in a nursery has slipped no one LOL. It definitely came about as this strange surge of “ooh maybe that would be fun”. A lot of encouragement from friends and one wicked interview later here I am!
It’s been… hectic for sure. That’s to be expected I guess. So much energy in the room at any given point and after a while you really struggle to keep up with everything. I broke a freakin chair and fell on my butt in front of everyone which I can’t wait to be able to laugh about. Got attacked by flour wielding menaces and oh my gosh is it difficult to understand what they’re saying at times… Especially when so many are tryna grab your attention at once! It’s an adjustment period though. I’m like this shiny new toy that’s just walked in and everybody wants a turn playing with it! Thankfully the staff are all super welcoming and supportive. All my new colleagues have been super friendly and have made sure I know that right now, there are no expectations. I just need to be present, learn the routine, and eventually I’ll find my footing.
One big worry was that I’m ASD, and sensory overloads can really hit you out of nowhere. I’m trying to figure out how to speak up for myself more. To communicate when things are getting too much rather than assuming I can just tough it out. That wasn’t much of an issue in my last school job because I primarily worked with my family (I was a bit of a nepo baby LOL), and they were pretty good at recognising when I needed to take five. I just feel guilty I guess, and with so many people wanting me to do well, friends family and colleagues, I don’t want to let anyone down. I know realistically two or three ten minute breaks a day won’t do that, but in an environment with so much chaos it’s difficult to just tap out and leave someone else holding the bag.
I’ve mentioned before how I’m a super anxious and neurotic person, but I’ve not really talked about how good I am at masking it. This is my first proper shift based job, and everything is so new and there’s so much to learn and to deal with. There are things I need to adjust to on top of everything that comes with taking care of kids so small, and that’s honestly worrying me more than the kids themselves. I’ve been told it’s okay to ask for help if I need it, but how frequently is it acceptable to ask? I don’t want to make myself look helpless or incompetent, but I also know how easy it is for me to get burnt out.
It’s not been all bad though! I had a lot of fun doing the simple things. Messing about with playdough, helping get people dressed in their coats and shoes for outdoor play, storytime on the mats. I’m gonna try and procure myself a sketchbook to take in and see who I can get to join me for doodles! That’s for sure gonna be where my strengths lie. One of the most rewarding things today was this sweet kiddo who kinda took me under her wing. Showing me around, introducing me to everyone. Hearing her excitedly call my name to show me something new was super sweet! And since I find real comfort in kidcore aesthetics the nursery itself feels like a really homely environment, even at the most chaotic of times! I’ve definitely come up with a few adorable drawing ideas for little Broker!
So yeah! It’s been a crazy day. I ache all over and I’m freakin exhausted. Gonna go sleep and get ready to do it all over again tomorrow!
Believe me the irony of ME working in a nursery has slipped no one LOL. It definitely came about as this strange surge of “ooh maybe that would be fun”. A lot of encouragement from friends and one wicked interview later here I am!
It’s been… hectic for sure. That’s to be expected I guess. So much energy in the room at any given point and after a while you really struggle to keep up with everything. I broke a freakin chair and fell on my butt in front of everyone which I can’t wait to be able to laugh about. Got attacked by flour wielding menaces and oh my gosh is it difficult to understand what they’re saying at times… Especially when so many are tryna grab your attention at once! It’s an adjustment period though. I’m like this shiny new toy that’s just walked in and everybody wants a turn playing with it! Thankfully the staff are all super welcoming and supportive. All my new colleagues have been super friendly and have made sure I know that right now, there are no expectations. I just need to be present, learn the routine, and eventually I’ll find my footing.
One big worry was that I’m ASD, and sensory overloads can really hit you out of nowhere. I’m trying to figure out how to speak up for myself more. To communicate when things are getting too much rather than assuming I can just tough it out. That wasn’t much of an issue in my last school job because I primarily worked with my family (I was a bit of a nepo baby LOL), and they were pretty good at recognising when I needed to take five. I just feel guilty I guess, and with so many people wanting me to do well, friends family and colleagues, I don’t want to let anyone down. I know realistically two or three ten minute breaks a day won’t do that, but in an environment with so much chaos it’s difficult to just tap out and leave someone else holding the bag.
I’ve mentioned before how I’m a super anxious and neurotic person, but I’ve not really talked about how good I am at masking it. This is my first proper shift based job, and everything is so new and there’s so much to learn and to deal with. There are things I need to adjust to on top of everything that comes with taking care of kids so small, and that’s honestly worrying me more than the kids themselves. I’ve been told it’s okay to ask for help if I need it, but how frequently is it acceptable to ask? I don’t want to make myself look helpless or incompetent, but I also know how easy it is for me to get burnt out.
It’s not been all bad though! I had a lot of fun doing the simple things. Messing about with playdough, helping get people dressed in their coats and shoes for outdoor play, storytime on the mats. I’m gonna try and procure myself a sketchbook to take in and see who I can get to join me for doodles! That’s for sure gonna be where my strengths lie. One of the most rewarding things today was this sweet kiddo who kinda took me under her wing. Showing me around, introducing me to everyone. Hearing her excitedly call my name to show me something new was super sweet! And since I find real comfort in kidcore aesthetics the nursery itself feels like a really homely environment, even at the most chaotic of times! I’ve definitely come up with a few adorable drawing ideas for little Broker!
So yeah! It’s been a crazy day. I ache all over and I’m freakin exhausted. Gonna go sleep and get ready to do it all over again tomorrow!
2025 Commissions OPEN!
Posted 9 months agoHEY DUDES!
Christmas and the cost of meds have left me stuck deep in my overdraft so I'm gonna push for a few commissions to kick off the new year!
All info and prices are available over at https://www.trivialbroker.com/commissions
Shares are super appreciated! <333
Christmas and the cost of meds have left me stuck deep in my overdraft so I'm gonna push for a few commissions to kick off the new year!
All info and prices are available over at https://www.trivialbroker.com/commissions
Shares are super appreciated! <333
I went to ANOTHER littles event... and it was incredible
Posted 10 months agoWanted to wait a few days to process everything before typing it out because it was all such a blur to be honest.
Like the title says I went to another littles event! It was Christmas party themed and we had all sorts of fun stuffs like pass the parcel, Christmas movie, even Santa stopped by! I had been umming and ahhing about going to this one because I usually go with a very close friend of mine, and they are pretty much the only person I know at the event. I'm way too shy to socialise by myself so kinda use them as like a safety blanket when it comes to talking with other people. This time though, that safety blanket was gone, because that friend wasn't gonna be there this time round. I would be by myself and as the day of the meet got closer and closer I started to get all sorts of stressed thinking about all the ways it could go wrong. Then I get there, and standing outside everything kinda hit me all at once. I hid round a corner for a bit to try and gather myself but my head was swarming with regret and I knew I might have to call an Uber to take me home. Thankfully a couple people noticed me and tried to comfort and reassure me, there were a few others attending for the first time who were feeling pretty nervous themselves so hearing that my feelings weren't so exclusive to me did make me feel a lot less lonely. Soon after a familiar face from the last couple meets showed up and after a bit longer outside just getting mentally prepped for the day ahead, we all went in and the day that followed was utterly magical.
Stuff happened that day that I would never have imagined I'd have the strength to do. A couple others took me under their wing for the majority of the event and with them by my side I was able to meet new people, play fun games, socialise and actually fall into that 'little' headspace, which has never happened around other people before. I've only been able to enter that headspace when I'm alone in my room, cuddled up with plushies and cartoons on the TV, maybe listening to some affirmative ASMR, in the most stable and controlled environment I can create. To manage that around other people, mostly strangers, in an event with so many attendees, in a location I'm not yet familiar with, with a hectic schedule full of crazy activities, with no good friends to back me up, yet feeling completely safe in doing so was absolutely mindblowing. Even stuff like getting dressed around others/letting others help me get dressed. If you know me you know how genuinely uncharacteristic that is. I do not like my body and would rather nobody be seeing it at all. But these people had a way of making me feel so safe and cared for (one was genuinely shocked to see I was in fact trans, they seriously had me clocked as cis which had me squirming with happiness), a sense of trust got built almost instantly and that trust and sense of safety was what carried me through the rest of the day and led me to doing things I never thought I'd be comfortable doing. The excitement I felt whenever the music stopped when I was holding the present in pass the parcel, the euphoria of playing games with other kiddo's, being wrapped up in a blanket with my head being laid on one of the CG's laps during the movie, and then subsequently falling asleep through the movie. My inner child was very well fed that day. I got to be a little girl on Christmas again and I can't express how magical that was.
I could go on and on and on about everything amazing that happened. I got to meet some amazing people that until that day I had only interacted with online and they were AWESOME! One of the CG's offered to get me a drink, I asked for JD and Coke and they got me freakin orange juice! Something about being too young for alcohol was said LOL. I would be mad but that orange juice was so good... I even had the courage to go out with some of the others for drinks and a meal once the event was over! Something I hadn't even done in the past meets when I wasn't attending alone. Whilst I did miss that friend in a way I think them not being there was a good thing? It gave me the push I needed to socialise and subsequently realise that being vulnerable isn't as scary as I thought. With no legs to hide behind I made new friends, played fun games, and felt fully embraced in a way I hadn't felt before. My heart is overflowing and as is usually the case I'm doing some drawings to help process all the happy feelings. Hopefully I'll have those finished and posted soon! The next meet is in January and I'm more excited than ever! Thank god this event has been successful enough to become a semi-regular thing. It's been more impactful on my happiness and mental wellbeing than any prescription medication, talking therapy or mindfulness app. I can't freakin wait to go be little again, to feel that love and freedom, to be embraced fully with complete understanding. Last time I posted a journal talking about how sad I felt when it was time to go, and the responses I got told me that it gets easier in time. Whilst I was definitely sad this time round when it came time to leave, it felt more bittersweet than anything. A couple tears were shed, but no full on sobbing so I guess those responses were right!
Have been discussing it more with some non-little friends and have slowly been coming to a better understanding of why I have a little side and what her wants and needs are. I found a lot of comfort in the nurturing aspect that socially regressing gave me. And I think that’s because naturally I’m a pretty anxious and neurotic person, so having those guardian figures to give you that love and affirmation, as well as taking on the burden of being the adults and letting you be truly free of any social constraints, I just found to be so wonderful and fulfilling. Every little has that age where they felt well and truly safe. The age they like to mentally revisit back when everything made sense and the world seemed less cruel and malicious. We had a few talks at the event about what age everyone feels happiest regressing to and a lot of people range from 3-6, a couple of 1-2 year olds too as well as a decent few 7-9 year olds (you can always tell the 7-9 year olds apart cus they always wear the coolest clothes, no waddling from 'protective undergarments' and usually sport a Nintendo DS in their pockets!) After this event and having conversations with those non-little friends I mentioned I realised that my personal 'sweet spot' is 2 years old, and there are a few reasons as to why that is. Any younger than 2 I can't really find myself relating to because I only have a handful of abstract memories that far back, plus it's all plagued with baby blues and 'its a boy!' type stuff which obviously gives me the ick. When you're 2 you start showing the first signs of a personality, and for me that personality was pretty girly. Lots of fun memories playing dress up, having a wide selection of toys meant for all genders and feeling really happy when I was dressed more girly or androgynously. When I hit 3 and then 4 that's when a lot of that stuff started to change. Gender norms got forced on me and I was taught to feel ashamed for engaging in my girly interests. Both from adults and the other kids who I was socialising with at daycares and pre-schools. One memory in particular was when I was playing dress up with the girls at pre-school, and I got dressed in this beautiful costume princess dress, with fairy wings and everything. The other boys were pretty cruel, and one of the staff members told me I shouldn't be dressing in girl clothes. She even rang up my parents to tell them about what happened because having to take the dress off led to a huge meltdown. I just couldn't understand why it was such a big deal? And felt so guilty at being told I was wrong to do something that was so innocent and harmless? Whilst there were other similar incidents across the ages of 3-5, that's one I remember so vividly because it was just so unfair? I guess the ages of 3+ I got taught to feel like being girly was wrong, and something to be ashamed of. My parent's no longer saw my effeminate tendencies as something cute, rather something indicative of a long term problem and so they tried to push me into more stereotypical boy things like football and cub scouts. No more girly toys or androgynous outfits. I was taught to feel shame, and that shame is something I've carried ever since. Hence why I feel like age 2 is my sweet spot, it was back before all that stuff and the last time I felt comfortable being me. Of course today I'm doing the best I can to lose that sense of shame. Coming out as a trans girl and starting HRT was just the beginning but I have big plans for the future which all involve moulding me into the person I have always been, but was taught to bury out of fear of isolation from others. The littles event is a way to experience that joy once more, to feel like the little girl I wish society had let me be growing up, and I can't wait to go back and indulge that side of me all over again.
Another big long sentimental journal post but I really enjoy writing these. It helps a lot to actualise my thoughts in text and be connected with more people who can relate to these experiences. So much love to all the people I shared Sunday with, I hope I get to see you all again in January! <3333
Like the title says I went to another littles event! It was Christmas party themed and we had all sorts of fun stuffs like pass the parcel, Christmas movie, even Santa stopped by! I had been umming and ahhing about going to this one because I usually go with a very close friend of mine, and they are pretty much the only person I know at the event. I'm way too shy to socialise by myself so kinda use them as like a safety blanket when it comes to talking with other people. This time though, that safety blanket was gone, because that friend wasn't gonna be there this time round. I would be by myself and as the day of the meet got closer and closer I started to get all sorts of stressed thinking about all the ways it could go wrong. Then I get there, and standing outside everything kinda hit me all at once. I hid round a corner for a bit to try and gather myself but my head was swarming with regret and I knew I might have to call an Uber to take me home. Thankfully a couple people noticed me and tried to comfort and reassure me, there were a few others attending for the first time who were feeling pretty nervous themselves so hearing that my feelings weren't so exclusive to me did make me feel a lot less lonely. Soon after a familiar face from the last couple meets showed up and after a bit longer outside just getting mentally prepped for the day ahead, we all went in and the day that followed was utterly magical.
Stuff happened that day that I would never have imagined I'd have the strength to do. A couple others took me under their wing for the majority of the event and with them by my side I was able to meet new people, play fun games, socialise and actually fall into that 'little' headspace, which has never happened around other people before. I've only been able to enter that headspace when I'm alone in my room, cuddled up with plushies and cartoons on the TV, maybe listening to some affirmative ASMR, in the most stable and controlled environment I can create. To manage that around other people, mostly strangers, in an event with so many attendees, in a location I'm not yet familiar with, with a hectic schedule full of crazy activities, with no good friends to back me up, yet feeling completely safe in doing so was absolutely mindblowing. Even stuff like getting dressed around others/letting others help me get dressed. If you know me you know how genuinely uncharacteristic that is. I do not like my body and would rather nobody be seeing it at all. But these people had a way of making me feel so safe and cared for (one was genuinely shocked to see I was in fact trans, they seriously had me clocked as cis which had me squirming with happiness), a sense of trust got built almost instantly and that trust and sense of safety was what carried me through the rest of the day and led me to doing things I never thought I'd be comfortable doing. The excitement I felt whenever the music stopped when I was holding the present in pass the parcel, the euphoria of playing games with other kiddo's, being wrapped up in a blanket with my head being laid on one of the CG's laps during the movie, and then subsequently falling asleep through the movie. My inner child was very well fed that day. I got to be a little girl on Christmas again and I can't express how magical that was.
I could go on and on and on about everything amazing that happened. I got to meet some amazing people that until that day I had only interacted with online and they were AWESOME! One of the CG's offered to get me a drink, I asked for JD and Coke and they got me freakin orange juice! Something about being too young for alcohol was said LOL. I would be mad but that orange juice was so good... I even had the courage to go out with some of the others for drinks and a meal once the event was over! Something I hadn't even done in the past meets when I wasn't attending alone. Whilst I did miss that friend in a way I think them not being there was a good thing? It gave me the push I needed to socialise and subsequently realise that being vulnerable isn't as scary as I thought. With no legs to hide behind I made new friends, played fun games, and felt fully embraced in a way I hadn't felt before. My heart is overflowing and as is usually the case I'm doing some drawings to help process all the happy feelings. Hopefully I'll have those finished and posted soon! The next meet is in January and I'm more excited than ever! Thank god this event has been successful enough to become a semi-regular thing. It's been more impactful on my happiness and mental wellbeing than any prescription medication, talking therapy or mindfulness app. I can't freakin wait to go be little again, to feel that love and freedom, to be embraced fully with complete understanding. Last time I posted a journal talking about how sad I felt when it was time to go, and the responses I got told me that it gets easier in time. Whilst I was definitely sad this time round when it came time to leave, it felt more bittersweet than anything. A couple tears were shed, but no full on sobbing so I guess those responses were right!
Have been discussing it more with some non-little friends and have slowly been coming to a better understanding of why I have a little side and what her wants and needs are. I found a lot of comfort in the nurturing aspect that socially regressing gave me. And I think that’s because naturally I’m a pretty anxious and neurotic person, so having those guardian figures to give you that love and affirmation, as well as taking on the burden of being the adults and letting you be truly free of any social constraints, I just found to be so wonderful and fulfilling. Every little has that age where they felt well and truly safe. The age they like to mentally revisit back when everything made sense and the world seemed less cruel and malicious. We had a few talks at the event about what age everyone feels happiest regressing to and a lot of people range from 3-6, a couple of 1-2 year olds too as well as a decent few 7-9 year olds (you can always tell the 7-9 year olds apart cus they always wear the coolest clothes, no waddling from 'protective undergarments' and usually sport a Nintendo DS in their pockets!) After this event and having conversations with those non-little friends I mentioned I realised that my personal 'sweet spot' is 2 years old, and there are a few reasons as to why that is. Any younger than 2 I can't really find myself relating to because I only have a handful of abstract memories that far back, plus it's all plagued with baby blues and 'its a boy!' type stuff which obviously gives me the ick. When you're 2 you start showing the first signs of a personality, and for me that personality was pretty girly. Lots of fun memories playing dress up, having a wide selection of toys meant for all genders and feeling really happy when I was dressed more girly or androgynously. When I hit 3 and then 4 that's when a lot of that stuff started to change. Gender norms got forced on me and I was taught to feel ashamed for engaging in my girly interests. Both from adults and the other kids who I was socialising with at daycares and pre-schools. One memory in particular was when I was playing dress up with the girls at pre-school, and I got dressed in this beautiful costume princess dress, with fairy wings and everything. The other boys were pretty cruel, and one of the staff members told me I shouldn't be dressing in girl clothes. She even rang up my parents to tell them about what happened because having to take the dress off led to a huge meltdown. I just couldn't understand why it was such a big deal? And felt so guilty at being told I was wrong to do something that was so innocent and harmless? Whilst there were other similar incidents across the ages of 3-5, that's one I remember so vividly because it was just so unfair? I guess the ages of 3+ I got taught to feel like being girly was wrong, and something to be ashamed of. My parent's no longer saw my effeminate tendencies as something cute, rather something indicative of a long term problem and so they tried to push me into more stereotypical boy things like football and cub scouts. No more girly toys or androgynous outfits. I was taught to feel shame, and that shame is something I've carried ever since. Hence why I feel like age 2 is my sweet spot, it was back before all that stuff and the last time I felt comfortable being me. Of course today I'm doing the best I can to lose that sense of shame. Coming out as a trans girl and starting HRT was just the beginning but I have big plans for the future which all involve moulding me into the person I have always been, but was taught to bury out of fear of isolation from others. The littles event is a way to experience that joy once more, to feel like the little girl I wish society had let me be growing up, and I can't wait to go back and indulge that side of me all over again.
Another big long sentimental journal post but I really enjoy writing these. It helps a lot to actualise my thoughts in text and be connected with more people who can relate to these experiences. So much love to all the people I shared Sunday with, I hope I get to see you all again in January! <3333
Entering a new Era...
Posted 11 months agoIt's been a crazy couple of weeks that have been added on top of a crazy couple of months. It's been a time of self discovery, strengthening bonds and learning to love myself despite everything which sets me apart.
This year has already been a chaotic ride, from starting my Masters degree to finally coming out as trans, attending my first littles event, getting a fursuit and beginning HRT, it feels like I'm only scratching the surface of big changes that are in store for me. I've rediscovered my passion for drawing as of late, after barely posting the past year I have my head swarming with ideas and projects that I'm gonna be sharing pretty soon. Now as the title implies, this is going to be a bit more of a venture from what I usually post. Everything I'm working on right now has a very strong personal connotation to it. I'm going to use my art as a medium to explore myself more and process a lot of inner feelings, hoping that it can help me understand things better, find me people that relate to what I'm going through as well as potentially offering some relief to others that feel a similar way.
To provide a bit more clarification, one of the effects of starting feminising HRT is a BIG shift in your emotions, and having just come up on the three month mark my dosage has been increased and these emotions have been getting crazier and more difficult to control. My head feels loud, sleep is difficult and when I'm able to drift off I'm beset by the most intense and surreal dreams. Some of these dreams in are 'little' in nature. One in particular that I had recently has been in my head all week and has really impacted my ability to do adult things. I was stuck deep in that headspace and haven't quite been able to leave it yet. It featured all of my friends, and the basic gist was we all did some crazy science experiment at a furcon and ended up physically becoming our fursona's for the week, but Broker was for some reason her little variant. As such she was very vulnerable and needed taking care of, which surprisingly my friends were more than happy to provide. I've shared this experience with each of them since and their reactions have really shocked me. They were supportive? They didn't think it was weird or creepy that I was dreaming about them in those scenarios? In fact, it made them happy to know my subconscious see's them as people I can trust to take care of me when I'm most vulnerable.
I've been somewhat vocal about my little side before but right now I'm more in touch with it than ever. My friends know about it to some extent, but until recently it hasn't been something we've really addressed in great detail out of fear I would be judged for it. HRT basically induces a second puberty, so I've been reexperiencing emotions and states of mind that haven't been around for at least a decade. It has me looking at the world through a childlike lenses again, and my little side is more difficult to control than ever. As is the case with a lot of furries, my fursona is a reflection of myself and my journey, and little Broker is someone I'm really connected to right now. Not in control of our emotions, scared of the big wide world, anxious about changes and becoming someone new, pretty vulnerable and dependant on others to keep us going but full of so much wonder and excitement as to what the future holds.
As such a lot more of my art is gonna focus around exploring 'Little Broker' more, as well as paying tribute to all those who have helped me along with my journey. My friends have been so freakin incredible and understanding despite most of them not having little sides of their own. I got so used to the idea that this was something people were going to judge me for, even people who are close to me. One too many negative experiences in the past have led me to bottling up way too much and not being able to explore this stuff in a healthy way. But I'm learning to trust people again, as scary as that can be at times. My little side, and by extension Little Broker is my non destructive coping mechanism which helps me navigate how freakin scary the world can be at times. And I'm only just realising she might be a bigger part of me than I thought.
A couple people might be hoping for more Sylfheim content and I still want to continue working on it, the comic is far from over but right now there are more important reasons for me to be drawing, hence why there is something of a shift coming in the type of content you might expect from me. I've also been working alongside the awesome peeps behind the AR/Babyfur trading card game 'Little Troubles' and will be posting some cards I've worked on when I get the all clear! If these aren't things you're interested in seeing then I understand, but I need to do this at the moment, for my own peace of mind. So Sylfheim is gonna stay in hiatus purgatory for the time being whilst I figure my shit out LOL.
All my love to those of you willing to join me on this ride, I'm nervous and really excited to see what the future has in store for me and I know that part of that has to involve me being more open and less repressed when it comes to all these feelings and kooky aspects of my personality. <3
This year has already been a chaotic ride, from starting my Masters degree to finally coming out as trans, attending my first littles event, getting a fursuit and beginning HRT, it feels like I'm only scratching the surface of big changes that are in store for me. I've rediscovered my passion for drawing as of late, after barely posting the past year I have my head swarming with ideas and projects that I'm gonna be sharing pretty soon. Now as the title implies, this is going to be a bit more of a venture from what I usually post. Everything I'm working on right now has a very strong personal connotation to it. I'm going to use my art as a medium to explore myself more and process a lot of inner feelings, hoping that it can help me understand things better, find me people that relate to what I'm going through as well as potentially offering some relief to others that feel a similar way.
To provide a bit more clarification, one of the effects of starting feminising HRT is a BIG shift in your emotions, and having just come up on the three month mark my dosage has been increased and these emotions have been getting crazier and more difficult to control. My head feels loud, sleep is difficult and when I'm able to drift off I'm beset by the most intense and surreal dreams. Some of these dreams in are 'little' in nature. One in particular that I had recently has been in my head all week and has really impacted my ability to do adult things. I was stuck deep in that headspace and haven't quite been able to leave it yet. It featured all of my friends, and the basic gist was we all did some crazy science experiment at a furcon and ended up physically becoming our fursona's for the week, but Broker was for some reason her little variant. As such she was very vulnerable and needed taking care of, which surprisingly my friends were more than happy to provide. I've shared this experience with each of them since and their reactions have really shocked me. They were supportive? They didn't think it was weird or creepy that I was dreaming about them in those scenarios? In fact, it made them happy to know my subconscious see's them as people I can trust to take care of me when I'm most vulnerable.
I've been somewhat vocal about my little side before but right now I'm more in touch with it than ever. My friends know about it to some extent, but until recently it hasn't been something we've really addressed in great detail out of fear I would be judged for it. HRT basically induces a second puberty, so I've been reexperiencing emotions and states of mind that haven't been around for at least a decade. It has me looking at the world through a childlike lenses again, and my little side is more difficult to control than ever. As is the case with a lot of furries, my fursona is a reflection of myself and my journey, and little Broker is someone I'm really connected to right now. Not in control of our emotions, scared of the big wide world, anxious about changes and becoming someone new, pretty vulnerable and dependant on others to keep us going but full of so much wonder and excitement as to what the future holds.
As such a lot more of my art is gonna focus around exploring 'Little Broker' more, as well as paying tribute to all those who have helped me along with my journey. My friends have been so freakin incredible and understanding despite most of them not having little sides of their own. I got so used to the idea that this was something people were going to judge me for, even people who are close to me. One too many negative experiences in the past have led me to bottling up way too much and not being able to explore this stuff in a healthy way. But I'm learning to trust people again, as scary as that can be at times. My little side, and by extension Little Broker is my non destructive coping mechanism which helps me navigate how freakin scary the world can be at times. And I'm only just realising she might be a bigger part of me than I thought.
A couple people might be hoping for more Sylfheim content and I still want to continue working on it, the comic is far from over but right now there are more important reasons for me to be drawing, hence why there is something of a shift coming in the type of content you might expect from me. I've also been working alongside the awesome peeps behind the AR/Babyfur trading card game 'Little Troubles' and will be posting some cards I've worked on when I get the all clear! If these aren't things you're interested in seeing then I understand, but I need to do this at the moment, for my own peace of mind. So Sylfheim is gonna stay in hiatus purgatory for the time being whilst I figure my shit out LOL.
All my love to those of you willing to join me on this ride, I'm nervous and really excited to see what the future has in store for me and I know that part of that has to involve me being more open and less repressed when it comes to all these feelings and kooky aspects of my personality. <3
I went to a littles event.. and am now kinda shellshocke....
Posted 12 months agoOkay so this is gonna be a bit of an odd journal, but I wanna share this because I know I have a lot of followers who are littles/ABDL/babyfurs and I'm wondering if my experience is a common one? I guess I'm just looking for people to relate to at the moment because everything is all a bit much and I could do with some peeps who actually get it. Some of this is copy/paste from stuff I wrote soon after the event but nothing has subsided, its all still very fresh in my head.
I guess to add a disclaimer, I don't identify as a babyfur or an ABDL, but I have strong ties to the community and find a lot of comfort in kidcore/pastel aesthetics? My fursona Broker is very much a reflection of me and I've always drawn her as a young adult, however I have also drawn/been drawn as a younger version too, kind of like looking back on childhood photos except the photos are your fursona I guess? If I were to put a label on 'what' I am I would say I am a little. I find it therapeutic to shut out the outside world and regress to a simpler mentality. It feels like I'm showing my inner child the type of love and affection she always needed, but was never brave enough to ask for.
So like the title says, yesterday I went to a littles event. Now I had always thought events like this were either something that only existed in BabyStar or ABZ comics, either that or it was so underground that finding them was near enough impossible. But this event was a local one, a nightclub was hired out for the day and a whole bunch of people showed up to get dressed up, play with toys and snuggle on the playmats, have stories read as well as neat craft stuff like colouring and drawing with crayons. This was their second event and even though I had been to the first one too, this felt different, and I think its because the first one I attended having not come out as trans yet. This time I felt like I was giving my inner child what she actually needed. It was a type of release, getting to show her love and letting her be herself. I’ve always felt ashamed for not embracing the femme more growing up, like I missed out on so many experiences. If I had figured out my shit sooner maybe I could have had more of a “girl childhood”. That’s something I never thought I’d be able to experience until today. Dumb stuff like getting unicorn stickers or doing craft stuff with pink felts had such a crazy strong impact on me that I was not emotionally prepped for. Not gonna lie, I was shy as hell, I talked to maybe 5 different people out of the 100 or so and practically spent all my time hovering around my friend or staring into space, but just existing in the moment was so much to process, and even though I wasn't as social as I would have liked to been, (still quite a few barriers I was too nervous to let down) I had an incredible time regardless.
It was quite an adjustment having to transition between the spaces, it’s almost nerve wracking because you want to fit in but you also aren’t super comfortable in letting your guard down that much around strangers. It takes a lot to fall into that headspace but when you do it feels like the whole world goes quiet. Like nothing really matters, that you’re calm and safe and loved in a way that’s impossible to describe or recapture in any other environment. You bear all your vulnerabilities to the world and are embraced regardless. You come away having learned things about yourself, with a new sense of perspective and feeling so utterly invigorated. It’s therapy for the soul and I was really unprepared for how much it would hurt when it was time to go. I’ve been tearing up on and off ever since and I honestly just want nothing more than to turn back the clocks and experience it all over again. That sense of euphoria was so strong, and letting it go hit me hard. I damn near had an emotional breakdown just getting dressed into big clothes again.
I don’t know much about psychology but I think I experienced a kind of trauma healing? I honestly don’t know. I’ve been going back and psychoanalysing myself all day to figure out what the hell happened to make me feel all these feelings. Naturally I got my inner saboteur throwing shame my way, I mean for fuck sake Liv there are more conventional ways of getting therapy. But despite all that I'm not feeling ashamed right now, I'm feeling... lost? I've gone back to my normal but it doesn't feel normal anymore. Everything is out of balance and dysphoria has ramped up big time. I know the medication I'm on is making things hit harder and stronger. I'm coming up to three months on HRT and its like someone has increased a sensitivity slider on every single one of my emotions. Its like seeing new shades of colours you never thought existed. I'm so in tune with how I'm feeling, but I'm feeling a lot and have found myself seeking more company from people I know will understand and help me process everything. Hence why I'm typing this journal I guess.
There will be more events in future, but those feel so far away and I'm still struggling to let go of yesterday. I guess I could really use a hug right now, and be told that it will get easier in time. I'm still learning how to navigate all of this, so would help enormously to hear from people who have gone through similar experiences and what they did to help re-adjust.
I guess to add a disclaimer, I don't identify as a babyfur or an ABDL, but I have strong ties to the community and find a lot of comfort in kidcore/pastel aesthetics? My fursona Broker is very much a reflection of me and I've always drawn her as a young adult, however I have also drawn/been drawn as a younger version too, kind of like looking back on childhood photos except the photos are your fursona I guess? If I were to put a label on 'what' I am I would say I am a little. I find it therapeutic to shut out the outside world and regress to a simpler mentality. It feels like I'm showing my inner child the type of love and affection she always needed, but was never brave enough to ask for.
So like the title says, yesterday I went to a littles event. Now I had always thought events like this were either something that only existed in BabyStar or ABZ comics, either that or it was so underground that finding them was near enough impossible. But this event was a local one, a nightclub was hired out for the day and a whole bunch of people showed up to get dressed up, play with toys and snuggle on the playmats, have stories read as well as neat craft stuff like colouring and drawing with crayons. This was their second event and even though I had been to the first one too, this felt different, and I think its because the first one I attended having not come out as trans yet. This time I felt like I was giving my inner child what she actually needed. It was a type of release, getting to show her love and letting her be herself. I’ve always felt ashamed for not embracing the femme more growing up, like I missed out on so many experiences. If I had figured out my shit sooner maybe I could have had more of a “girl childhood”. That’s something I never thought I’d be able to experience until today. Dumb stuff like getting unicorn stickers or doing craft stuff with pink felts had such a crazy strong impact on me that I was not emotionally prepped for. Not gonna lie, I was shy as hell, I talked to maybe 5 different people out of the 100 or so and practically spent all my time hovering around my friend or staring into space, but just existing in the moment was so much to process, and even though I wasn't as social as I would have liked to been, (still quite a few barriers I was too nervous to let down) I had an incredible time regardless.
It was quite an adjustment having to transition between the spaces, it’s almost nerve wracking because you want to fit in but you also aren’t super comfortable in letting your guard down that much around strangers. It takes a lot to fall into that headspace but when you do it feels like the whole world goes quiet. Like nothing really matters, that you’re calm and safe and loved in a way that’s impossible to describe or recapture in any other environment. You bear all your vulnerabilities to the world and are embraced regardless. You come away having learned things about yourself, with a new sense of perspective and feeling so utterly invigorated. It’s therapy for the soul and I was really unprepared for how much it would hurt when it was time to go. I’ve been tearing up on and off ever since and I honestly just want nothing more than to turn back the clocks and experience it all over again. That sense of euphoria was so strong, and letting it go hit me hard. I damn near had an emotional breakdown just getting dressed into big clothes again.
I don’t know much about psychology but I think I experienced a kind of trauma healing? I honestly don’t know. I’ve been going back and psychoanalysing myself all day to figure out what the hell happened to make me feel all these feelings. Naturally I got my inner saboteur throwing shame my way, I mean for fuck sake Liv there are more conventional ways of getting therapy. But despite all that I'm not feeling ashamed right now, I'm feeling... lost? I've gone back to my normal but it doesn't feel normal anymore. Everything is out of balance and dysphoria has ramped up big time. I know the medication I'm on is making things hit harder and stronger. I'm coming up to three months on HRT and its like someone has increased a sensitivity slider on every single one of my emotions. Its like seeing new shades of colours you never thought existed. I'm so in tune with how I'm feeling, but I'm feeling a lot and have found myself seeking more company from people I know will understand and help me process everything. Hence why I'm typing this journal I guess.
There will be more events in future, but those feel so far away and I'm still struggling to let go of yesterday. I guess I could really use a hug right now, and be told that it will get easier in time. I'm still learning how to navigate all of this, so would help enormously to hear from people who have gone through similar experiences and what they did to help re-adjust.
DenFur Drama is Crazyyy (it’s really not)
Posted a year agoSeeing all this stuff come out about DenFur has ignited more dumb furry drama and I’m gonna be toxic and contribute by throwing my 2 cents in. In my defence though, I’m arguing this drama is dumb and there are plenty better ways to find a solution rather than pearl clutching and making strawmans to get your point across.
Idk how, after so many years of seeing normies looking at fursuits and going “eek it’s obviously a kink thing” they’re gonna turn around and do the exact same thing. They see a harness, pup mask, diaper, balloon dog and IMMEDIATELY assume the person underneath is some malicious pervert. Like gee, if only these people who have weird ways of expressing themselves had access to a space in which people express themselves through weird ways. It’s almost like the furry fandom exists because of weirdos, and conventions are a celebration of the weird and irregular. All these people going “think of the children” when pointing to costumes that you have to actively imagine are there for kink purposes is so embarrassing. Obviously a straight up uncovered murrsuit crosses the line, but people be pointing towards the dumbest stuff and calling it an equivalent.
Do some people wear those accessories to show off their pride in their kink? Yeah, many people discover the fandom through kink, who the hell are we to say they aren’t welcome? You can make the argument that it’s a form of exhibitionism, but is it really productive to police what people can and can’t wear to express their characters just because a few people might be getting off on it?
Plenty of people wear harnesses for comfort and aesthetic, plenty wear pup masks because they may not be able to afford a fursuit, plenty wear diapers for regression therapy or they find them cute, as for the balloon dog? Gee I don’t even know what to say about that, just don’t attend any kids birthday parties I guess, lest some poor clown get yelled at for “pushing kink on the children”. Maybe try engaging in these subcultures more? If anything you might find a deeper understanding and realise that things aren’t always what they seem. It’s not a gateway to furcons becoming straight up kink festivals, it isn’t going to make it any less safe for children because we have actual laws against exhibitionism that apply to furcons anyway. if you want purity then maybe stop immediately assuming the worst in people and broaden your horizons a bit? The fandom is built on self expression and it’s so arrogant to think you have a say in how someone should do that just because you can’t get your mind out of the gutter.
Are you allowed to feel uncomfortable looking at X Y or Z? Yeah, nobody is saying you aren’t. But managing that discomfort by taking to Twitter and slagging off entire subcultures of the fandom you love so much is hardly the best way to deal with that. All this nonsense about “giving the fandom a bad name” as if furries aren’t already seen as weird by plenty of people regardless of whether some dude called PuppyBoyPeter is wearing his pup mask or not.
I do think there is a way to manage it. That being designated time frames in which furs are able to dress even less mainstream. Possibly as the day nears its end since that’s when most of the minors will have left anyway and keep it confined the the convention spaces, not in public. Would I personally care if these designated time frames didn’t exist and furries could just dress however they want whenever they want, wherever they want? Absolutely not. But for the sake of everyone’s comfort it does seem to be the sensible thing to advocate for.
No one person in the fandom is above another when it comes to what would make their convention experience better. So a compromise in that sense would only be the most practical solution. What irritates me is people who place themselves on a pedestal and use their discomfort as an excuse to slander and paint furry subcultures as degenerate and perverse just for being a little bit weirder than what they’re used to.
Furries are weird, furcons are spaces for weird people, let’s maybe try and celebrate the weird more?
Idk how, after so many years of seeing normies looking at fursuits and going “eek it’s obviously a kink thing” they’re gonna turn around and do the exact same thing. They see a harness, pup mask, diaper, balloon dog and IMMEDIATELY assume the person underneath is some malicious pervert. Like gee, if only these people who have weird ways of expressing themselves had access to a space in which people express themselves through weird ways. It’s almost like the furry fandom exists because of weirdos, and conventions are a celebration of the weird and irregular. All these people going “think of the children” when pointing to costumes that you have to actively imagine are there for kink purposes is so embarrassing. Obviously a straight up uncovered murrsuit crosses the line, but people be pointing towards the dumbest stuff and calling it an equivalent.
Do some people wear those accessories to show off their pride in their kink? Yeah, many people discover the fandom through kink, who the hell are we to say they aren’t welcome? You can make the argument that it’s a form of exhibitionism, but is it really productive to police what people can and can’t wear to express their characters just because a few people might be getting off on it?
Plenty of people wear harnesses for comfort and aesthetic, plenty wear pup masks because they may not be able to afford a fursuit, plenty wear diapers for regression therapy or they find them cute, as for the balloon dog? Gee I don’t even know what to say about that, just don’t attend any kids birthday parties I guess, lest some poor clown get yelled at for “pushing kink on the children”. Maybe try engaging in these subcultures more? If anything you might find a deeper understanding and realise that things aren’t always what they seem. It’s not a gateway to furcons becoming straight up kink festivals, it isn’t going to make it any less safe for children because we have actual laws against exhibitionism that apply to furcons anyway. if you want purity then maybe stop immediately assuming the worst in people and broaden your horizons a bit? The fandom is built on self expression and it’s so arrogant to think you have a say in how someone should do that just because you can’t get your mind out of the gutter.
Are you allowed to feel uncomfortable looking at X Y or Z? Yeah, nobody is saying you aren’t. But managing that discomfort by taking to Twitter and slagging off entire subcultures of the fandom you love so much is hardly the best way to deal with that. All this nonsense about “giving the fandom a bad name” as if furries aren’t already seen as weird by plenty of people regardless of whether some dude called PuppyBoyPeter is wearing his pup mask or not.
I do think there is a way to manage it. That being designated time frames in which furs are able to dress even less mainstream. Possibly as the day nears its end since that’s when most of the minors will have left anyway and keep it confined the the convention spaces, not in public. Would I personally care if these designated time frames didn’t exist and furries could just dress however they want whenever they want, wherever they want? Absolutely not. But for the sake of everyone’s comfort it does seem to be the sensible thing to advocate for.
No one person in the fandom is above another when it comes to what would make their convention experience better. So a compromise in that sense would only be the most practical solution. What irritates me is people who place themselves on a pedestal and use their discomfort as an excuse to slander and paint furry subcultures as degenerate and perverse just for being a little bit weirder than what they’re used to.
Furries are weird, furcons are spaces for weird people, let’s maybe try and celebrate the weird more?
Am on BlueSky! Drop your @‘s I need peeps to follow!
Posted 2 years agoTitle says it all! I’m on BlueSky and my feed is dead as hell so I need peeps to follow. Come say hi - https://bsky.app/profile/trivialbroker.com
Also if you’re interested you can find all my socials through here! Including my TikTok where I cover stuff to do with Film and Film History - https://linktr.ee/TrivialBroker
Also if you’re interested you can find all my socials through here! Including my TikTok where I cover stuff to do with Film and Film History - https://linktr.ee/TrivialBroker
Comic Update
Posted 2 years agoHello lovely people, been a while since I’ve posted anything related to the comic, but this is a message to say the project is still not abandoned, just on pause until I’m finished with this year of studies.
Hiatus is still ongoing, but finals are coming and this academic year is coming to a close, I estimate new pages will be coming as early as June 10th, and as late as July 20th. Somewhere within that window Chapter 5 will begin. It’s already being written; I’ve sourced some help from both the Creative Writing department at Uni, as well as some other trans and enby writers since Chapter Five will delve a bit deeper into Hemlans identity struggles and I wanna make sure it’s being done with the utmost respect and care for the character.
In the meantime I’m continuing to restructure the page layout of the earlier chapters; in the hopes of continuing with this new format in future. These revamped chapters have now replaced the old on the website and Webtoon pages respectively. You can check it out through either of these links if you wanted a quick catch-up! There are a few new illustrations and exposition but the changes have mainly been related to page layout and refining the dialogue.
https://www.webtoons.com/en/challen.....itle_no=697903
https://www.trivialbroker.com/tales-from-sylfheim
Hiatus is still ongoing, but finals are coming and this academic year is coming to a close, I estimate new pages will be coming as early as June 10th, and as late as July 20th. Somewhere within that window Chapter 5 will begin. It’s already being written; I’ve sourced some help from both the Creative Writing department at Uni, as well as some other trans and enby writers since Chapter Five will delve a bit deeper into Hemlans identity struggles and I wanna make sure it’s being done with the utmost respect and care for the character.
In the meantime I’m continuing to restructure the page layout of the earlier chapters; in the hopes of continuing with this new format in future. These revamped chapters have now replaced the old on the website and Webtoon pages respectively. You can check it out through either of these links if you wanted a quick catch-up! There are a few new illustrations and exposition but the changes have mainly been related to page layout and refining the dialogue.
https://www.webtoons.com/en/challen.....itle_no=697903
https://www.trivialbroker.com/tales-from-sylfheim
HIATUS UPDATE
Posted 3 years agoHey doods! So I've had a few questions regarding Tales From Sylfheim so here's an official update I suppose.
I decided upon completing chapter four that TFS would go on a hiatus until I finish my last year of my Bachelor's degree in Film and Screen. Im gonna be continuing Uni with a Master's in creative writing which I'm debating on doing part time so I can have more time to focus on art and the comic, after that it'll be another Masters in Film and then I'll be all set to begin my Doctorate programme. Getting a PhD is something I've been set on since 16, it means I can just carry on learning as long as I like aswell as offering opportunities to work in various circuits including education, festivals, production and scholarship. Also, low-key its the only real way to attain a gender neutral title in the UK which I'd be lying if I said wasn't a big part of my drive.
So yes, TFS is far from over, chapter five is set to begin in Summer 2023 and I currently estimate a completed book 1 be completed by the end of the year. Revisions are going to be made, panels and pages added to help the pacing of the story, but the narrative will remain the same. Think of TFS thus far as a first draft, it's all just a work in progress and seeing that people are still engaging in the work makes me super excited to see what y'all are gonna make of the completed issue.
That's all for now! Happy to answer any questions, I'm currently working on an animated short film and planning my dissertation so I hope you understand the lack of any real update until now. Take care x
I decided upon completing chapter four that TFS would go on a hiatus until I finish my last year of my Bachelor's degree in Film and Screen. Im gonna be continuing Uni with a Master's in creative writing which I'm debating on doing part time so I can have more time to focus on art and the comic, after that it'll be another Masters in Film and then I'll be all set to begin my Doctorate programme. Getting a PhD is something I've been set on since 16, it means I can just carry on learning as long as I like aswell as offering opportunities to work in various circuits including education, festivals, production and scholarship. Also, low-key its the only real way to attain a gender neutral title in the UK which I'd be lying if I said wasn't a big part of my drive.
So yes, TFS is far from over, chapter five is set to begin in Summer 2023 and I currently estimate a completed book 1 be completed by the end of the year. Revisions are going to be made, panels and pages added to help the pacing of the story, but the narrative will remain the same. Think of TFS thus far as a first draft, it's all just a work in progress and seeing that people are still engaging in the work makes me super excited to see what y'all are gonna make of the completed issue.
That's all for now! Happy to answer any questions, I'm currently working on an animated short film and planning my dissertation so I hope you understand the lack of any real update until now. Take care x
So something wild happened to me today
Posted 3 years agoAs the title implies, something wild happened to me today and I wanted to share.
So my Mum is the head of exams at a secondary school in our area, so during exam seasons a few of the family go to help out with invigilation, mainly just me and my Nan. It’s a neat lil way to earn some money before summer. Today we were invigilating some GCSE mocks, for my American friends GCSE’s are the standard exams you take in the UK before leaving secondary school age 15-16. They are considered to be very important and pretty much all of secondary school is spent gearing you up for them, needless to say, they’re a big deal and kids can be very stressed out heading into them.
This morning we were setting up the rooms and my Nan was calling people in, one of the last names was Jenny (fake names ofc), the kid did not look like a Jenny and I clocked it instantly, the kid asked my Nan to be referred to as Jay. Nan was horrified (I keep her informed on queer issues so she knows about misgendering/deadnaming ect) she apologised profusely and immediately went to inform the invigilator supervising Jays exam that the registration had his deadname on. This invigilator (who was new) called the register and deadnamed the kid FOR A SECOND TIME. He raised his hand and asked to be excused just as the exam began, I walked out with him and this poor kid just broke down. Of course the other invigilators were confused and crowding him trying to figure out what the problem was and all he could say was ‘’I was called Jenny’’. Now this is where it clicked for a lot of other people, he was taken care of, got a glass of water and we tried sorting another room for him. I damn near demanded I be the one posted to this kids room because if anything this poor kid needed to be with someone who understood and not someone who just wants to get out of working a room with multiple kids. Because Mums the head, it was basically a done deal and I got my posting.
I got given the room number and was shocked. They stuck this stressed out kid, taking his mock GCSE’s in the same room that they use to send naughty kids when they’re misbehaving in lessons. Because thats the environment everyone wants to be in when taking an exam?! To be fair to the other kids in the room though, they were very well behaved, I only had to ask one or two to keep the noise down as the room was under exam conditions. The teachers on the other hand… I had to put up makeshift signs saying ‘’EXAMS IN PROGRESS’’ to get them to stop nattering on. It was very satisfying being able to tell teachers to take their conversations outside after hearing it so many times as a kid LOL.
Jay finished his exam and I went to collect his paper. I did my usual, ‘how did you do?’ and he really wasn’t confident. I told him that he had handled himself far better than most people to be able to take an exam right after that and at this point he lifted his head, saw my pride pins and pronoun badge and his face lit up… A switch flicked in him that moment and even though he was still pretty shy and reserved, his body language went from stiff as a brick to relaxed and comfortable in the room. I still wanted to tell him that he had done so well and that deadnaming is something that should never happen, especially before an exam like this when stresses are already so high. I took him to another teacher who wanted to have a chat with him and wished him well.
Once done I went to speak to Mum about the registration, because this should not have happened and cannot happen again. Here’s the thing, apparently the registrations are created by the exam board according to the students legal names, and therefore their legal names must be on the registers, papers and their certificates. The only thing we can do is make sure the invigilators are aware beforehand, which apparently hadn’t been done. The head of year was told, two teachers holding the exams were told, and nobody thought to tell the invigilators. I kicked up a fuss and made sure that next time there’s a de-briefing the Invigilators will ALL be told to not deadname the students. I’m also working with Mum to see if we can get pronoun badges for all the invigilators too because if there’s one thing trans kids need when about to take an exam, is to feel as safe and secure as possible with no room for error with this type of stuff.
This whole ordeal sorta awakened a mama bear side to me that I’ve never actually had before, I just wanted to give that poor kid a hug because my god he looked like he needed it. Not only that though, it gave me an affirmation. Seeing the way that kids attitude changed the moment he clocked my badge and pins really hammered home why its important I keep wearing them. In my last journal I talked about how I hate getting odd looks and glances when people spot them but let me tell you seeing the way his face lit up when he saw them was worth a thousand dirty looks from nobodies. Tomorrow we’re gonna discuss the ordeal and get these badges sorted and I’m so motivated to get it done, today I was given the opportunity to be the change I want to see in the world and I’m not going to waste it.
Thank you to all the lovely people who left supportive comments on my last journal, you all rock and I’m so grateful for all your words of advice, wisdom and encouragement <333
So my Mum is the head of exams at a secondary school in our area, so during exam seasons a few of the family go to help out with invigilation, mainly just me and my Nan. It’s a neat lil way to earn some money before summer. Today we were invigilating some GCSE mocks, for my American friends GCSE’s are the standard exams you take in the UK before leaving secondary school age 15-16. They are considered to be very important and pretty much all of secondary school is spent gearing you up for them, needless to say, they’re a big deal and kids can be very stressed out heading into them.
This morning we were setting up the rooms and my Nan was calling people in, one of the last names was Jenny (fake names ofc), the kid did not look like a Jenny and I clocked it instantly, the kid asked my Nan to be referred to as Jay. Nan was horrified (I keep her informed on queer issues so she knows about misgendering/deadnaming ect) she apologised profusely and immediately went to inform the invigilator supervising Jays exam that the registration had his deadname on. This invigilator (who was new) called the register and deadnamed the kid FOR A SECOND TIME. He raised his hand and asked to be excused just as the exam began, I walked out with him and this poor kid just broke down. Of course the other invigilators were confused and crowding him trying to figure out what the problem was and all he could say was ‘’I was called Jenny’’. Now this is where it clicked for a lot of other people, he was taken care of, got a glass of water and we tried sorting another room for him. I damn near demanded I be the one posted to this kids room because if anything this poor kid needed to be with someone who understood and not someone who just wants to get out of working a room with multiple kids. Because Mums the head, it was basically a done deal and I got my posting.
I got given the room number and was shocked. They stuck this stressed out kid, taking his mock GCSE’s in the same room that they use to send naughty kids when they’re misbehaving in lessons. Because thats the environment everyone wants to be in when taking an exam?! To be fair to the other kids in the room though, they were very well behaved, I only had to ask one or two to keep the noise down as the room was under exam conditions. The teachers on the other hand… I had to put up makeshift signs saying ‘’EXAMS IN PROGRESS’’ to get them to stop nattering on. It was very satisfying being able to tell teachers to take their conversations outside after hearing it so many times as a kid LOL.
Jay finished his exam and I went to collect his paper. I did my usual, ‘how did you do?’ and he really wasn’t confident. I told him that he had handled himself far better than most people to be able to take an exam right after that and at this point he lifted his head, saw my pride pins and pronoun badge and his face lit up… A switch flicked in him that moment and even though he was still pretty shy and reserved, his body language went from stiff as a brick to relaxed and comfortable in the room. I still wanted to tell him that he had done so well and that deadnaming is something that should never happen, especially before an exam like this when stresses are already so high. I took him to another teacher who wanted to have a chat with him and wished him well.
Once done I went to speak to Mum about the registration, because this should not have happened and cannot happen again. Here’s the thing, apparently the registrations are created by the exam board according to the students legal names, and therefore their legal names must be on the registers, papers and their certificates. The only thing we can do is make sure the invigilators are aware beforehand, which apparently hadn’t been done. The head of year was told, two teachers holding the exams were told, and nobody thought to tell the invigilators. I kicked up a fuss and made sure that next time there’s a de-briefing the Invigilators will ALL be told to not deadname the students. I’m also working with Mum to see if we can get pronoun badges for all the invigilators too because if there’s one thing trans kids need when about to take an exam, is to feel as safe and secure as possible with no room for error with this type of stuff.
This whole ordeal sorta awakened a mama bear side to me that I’ve never actually had before, I just wanted to give that poor kid a hug because my god he looked like he needed it. Not only that though, it gave me an affirmation. Seeing the way that kids attitude changed the moment he clocked my badge and pins really hammered home why its important I keep wearing them. In my last journal I talked about how I hate getting odd looks and glances when people spot them but let me tell you seeing the way his face lit up when he saw them was worth a thousand dirty looks from nobodies. Tomorrow we’re gonna discuss the ordeal and get these badges sorted and I’m so motivated to get it done, today I was given the opportunity to be the change I want to see in the world and I’m not going to waste it.
Thank you to all the lovely people who left supportive comments on my last journal, you all rock and I’m so grateful for all your words of advice, wisdom and encouragement <333
Colorado, Qatar and Queerphobia
Posted 3 years agoJust wanna ramble away for a bit because it's 3am, I have to be up in four hours for Uni but I can't sleep because jesus christ the state of this world right now...
TW: venting, suicide, queerphobia, gun violence
Being British and having to go each day with the bloody football being the talking point of everything, and hearing so many people justifying hatred for the sake of kicking a ball into a net is sickening. Now I know some American friends of mine are completely unawhere of the situation with the world cup right now so quick fill in. FIFA has decided to host the football world cup in Qatar, a country where homosexuality is punishable by lengthy jail sentences and if you are a muslim, death. And we are being told it's safe to go? It's no suprise seeing homophobia rampant in sports culture but what's truly disheartening is the lengths people go to in order to defend it and how many people agree with it. UK politicians are telling us that we need to be respectful of other countries laws, but when the law is simply "gay people shouldn't exist" then how the fuck are we supposed to respect that? Why should we tolerate intolerance?
Trans day of remembrance just happened, and I heard from a friend about a vigil they attended for all the trans victims of suicide, one person was ten years old. And not even a day earlier some evil fuck goes and shoots up a gay bar in Colorado. I'm writing a paper for Uni right now about this culture war on queer identities and just going through all my evidence is soul crushing. Two thirds of trans youth have admitted to feeling suicidal and one third have admitted to making an attempt. It's fucking awful that all this fighting and all this discourse is going on about untrue dumb shit that doesn't matter, "eugh trans women cant be in women's bathrooms" "eugh pronouns are stoopid" "eugh drag queen's are grooming kids" all this does is serve a pathetic othering narrative that media conglomerates and politicians thrive off of because what gets views in this day and age? What gets votes in this day and age? Stoking up baseless fear and then granting the fearful a sense of security. People are scared of what they don't understand and that fear is being fed and catered to instead of deconstructed and the fearful educated.
I hate it, I hate that whenever I use a pronoun badge I get weird looks, I hate that when I wear a skirt I get snide jabs, I hate that liking the colour pink or dressing in a way in which I feel expresses myself is deemed an abnormality. I hate it and I can't escape it. Earlier this year I had to be taken to hospital by that same friend I mentioned earlier, because of a breakdown so severe that I could very easily have become another name to be added to the vigil. And it's all for the same reasons. For how much longer will queer people have to fight to simply exist, to love, to live their lives being true to themselves and those they care for. I despise having to live in a world so full of hatred, I just wanna live happily and stress-free, draw my cute animal people and love who I want to love. Yet so many people are deeply determined to deny me those things.
This will almost undoubtedly be taken down at some point because as much as I love a good rant, I don't like flooding my page with negativity. I want my art to give people an escape, that warm fuzzy feeling of happiness that's difficult to describe. And if you're queer reading this then it's important I end with a declaration of love and solidarity. If you feel the same way I do then know you aren't alone, others are here to fight for you even when you don't have the strength to do so yourself, live your best life, love well and give the finger to any fucker who tells you otherwise. I love you, I'm with you, and though the road ahead is long and rough, we will make things better.
TW: venting, suicide, queerphobia, gun violence
Being British and having to go each day with the bloody football being the talking point of everything, and hearing so many people justifying hatred for the sake of kicking a ball into a net is sickening. Now I know some American friends of mine are completely unawhere of the situation with the world cup right now so quick fill in. FIFA has decided to host the football world cup in Qatar, a country where homosexuality is punishable by lengthy jail sentences and if you are a muslim, death. And we are being told it's safe to go? It's no suprise seeing homophobia rampant in sports culture but what's truly disheartening is the lengths people go to in order to defend it and how many people agree with it. UK politicians are telling us that we need to be respectful of other countries laws, but when the law is simply "gay people shouldn't exist" then how the fuck are we supposed to respect that? Why should we tolerate intolerance?
Trans day of remembrance just happened, and I heard from a friend about a vigil they attended for all the trans victims of suicide, one person was ten years old. And not even a day earlier some evil fuck goes and shoots up a gay bar in Colorado. I'm writing a paper for Uni right now about this culture war on queer identities and just going through all my evidence is soul crushing. Two thirds of trans youth have admitted to feeling suicidal and one third have admitted to making an attempt. It's fucking awful that all this fighting and all this discourse is going on about untrue dumb shit that doesn't matter, "eugh trans women cant be in women's bathrooms" "eugh pronouns are stoopid" "eugh drag queen's are grooming kids" all this does is serve a pathetic othering narrative that media conglomerates and politicians thrive off of because what gets views in this day and age? What gets votes in this day and age? Stoking up baseless fear and then granting the fearful a sense of security. People are scared of what they don't understand and that fear is being fed and catered to instead of deconstructed and the fearful educated.
I hate it, I hate that whenever I use a pronoun badge I get weird looks, I hate that when I wear a skirt I get snide jabs, I hate that liking the colour pink or dressing in a way in which I feel expresses myself is deemed an abnormality. I hate it and I can't escape it. Earlier this year I had to be taken to hospital by that same friend I mentioned earlier, because of a breakdown so severe that I could very easily have become another name to be added to the vigil. And it's all for the same reasons. For how much longer will queer people have to fight to simply exist, to love, to live their lives being true to themselves and those they care for. I despise having to live in a world so full of hatred, I just wanna live happily and stress-free, draw my cute animal people and love who I want to love. Yet so many people are deeply determined to deny me those things.
This will almost undoubtedly be taken down at some point because as much as I love a good rant, I don't like flooding my page with negativity. I want my art to give people an escape, that warm fuzzy feeling of happiness that's difficult to describe. And if you're queer reading this then it's important I end with a declaration of love and solidarity. If you feel the same way I do then know you aren't alone, others are here to fight for you even when you don't have the strength to do so yourself, live your best life, love well and give the finger to any fucker who tells you otherwise. I love you, I'm with you, and though the road ahead is long and rough, we will make things better.
Anthrocon 2022!
Posted 3 years agoSo I've been planning a trip to Anthrocon for nearly 3 years now, at one point I had flights booked for 2020 and was all set to go before Ms Rona reared her nasty head. Now it's come and gone and whilst I had the most amazing time I'm anticipating a big slump into misery as I think... Shit, now what? First week of the trip was spent meeting the bf's family for the first time which was utterly mortifying, I was so damn nervous but bless em they were all so sweet and welcoming. His mother even did my hair! Second week we took the two hour drive down to Pittsburgh and stayed with a friend along with two others over the con period. Pittsburgh is so dope, we went to the Zoo, the Andy Warhol Museum, The Mattress Factory it was wicked!
I met so many friends, made so many memories, experienced so many new things, and spent way too much money! Met the authors of Wunderkind, Cashmere Sky and TwoKinds which was amazing! Also spoke with a ton of cool publishers like Fenris, Jarlidium, FurPlanet and Ringtail Cafe. The panels were fun but one thing I really wasn't expecting to love was the raves. I am not a rave person but oh my god the sense of joy and euphoria... It was this beautiful coalescence of happiness and community spirit and I've never experienced anything like it. Also celebrated my 21st bday in the states which was fun, the bf and I went on a cute lunch date to Applebee's, which is probably my favourite place to eat in the states ngl. The convention was fantastic though! Aside from a very strange and inappropriate interaction with a staff member the whole thing went pretty smoothly!
So as to be expected not much art was done during the trip and as I have a ton of Uni work to catch up on there are likely to be more delays. But TFS isn't going anywhere and will be back soon enough. Will 100% be going back next year but for now I need to get some rest because it was just my luck the family with the screamy kids had to sit in front of me :((((
Take care!
I met so many friends, made so many memories, experienced so many new things, and spent way too much money! Met the authors of Wunderkind, Cashmere Sky and TwoKinds which was amazing! Also spoke with a ton of cool publishers like Fenris, Jarlidium, FurPlanet and Ringtail Cafe. The panels were fun but one thing I really wasn't expecting to love was the raves. I am not a rave person but oh my god the sense of joy and euphoria... It was this beautiful coalescence of happiness and community spirit and I've never experienced anything like it. Also celebrated my 21st bday in the states which was fun, the bf and I went on a cute lunch date to Applebee's, which is probably my favourite place to eat in the states ngl. The convention was fantastic though! Aside from a very strange and inappropriate interaction with a staff member the whole thing went pretty smoothly!
So as to be expected not much art was done during the trip and as I have a ton of Uni work to catch up on there are likely to be more delays. But TFS isn't going anywhere and will be back soon enough. Will 100% be going back next year but for now I need to get some rest because it was just my luck the family with the screamy kids had to sit in front of me :((((
Take care!
One year of TFS!
Posted 3 years agoSo Tales From Sylfheim is a year old! Well, the story is one I've had formulating for years and years so an argument could be made that its way older. I'm surprised, I genuinely thought I'd give it up after a few weeks, my attention span isn't that great lol. I guess it's just because this is a story I'm super proud of, I'm constantly getting excited about getting to draw the next big plot shift, battle sequence, character moment, and that excitement is definitely what's kept me going. And it's the engagement I get that keeps me going, even if it's just a favourite, or a comment, or a discussion on a discord channel. Even if it's literally just the most minor of engagement, it shows me people have stuck with this story for a whole year and that makes me feel so elated you have no idea.
151 pages were completed in the first year, and we are roughly halfway through chapter 4. There are 15/16 chapters in total with a couple of smaller chapters meant to provide background info on some characters who don't really get that opportunity in the main story. So I guess you could say we're around 25% of the way there? Although there are still gonna be revisions after revisions, mainly to do with the presentation. Upon completion of the fifth chapter we would have reached the culmination of the first act, there I want to take some time to reformat and rearrange the panels, have them peer reviewed, maybe add some more to space things out better, all to make a first manuscript which I can feel happy sending off to publishers. Lowkey I'm still pretty nervous about this, if y'all remember I got rejected HARD by a publisher last year and it stunted progress for a few weeks. But it's all a learning experience, this is my first step into the world of graphic novel writing and in no way do I expect to all of a sudden be an expert just because I can doodle cute animal people. This is why I say Tales From Sylfheim is still a work in progress, not just the pages that have yet to come but also the pages released, I'm thinking of doing a joint masters degree in creative writing and film studies once I finish my bachelor's in film, hopefully that will teach me more about storytelling and presentation.
I get bad imposter syndrome sometimes, I talked about this in a previous journal but in essence I'm trying to teach myself that it's okay to not be absolutely perfect, especially since this is the first time you've taken on a project like this. You're aspiring to be like people who have done this stuff for years upon years and who have huge experience and talent in what they do. It's possible to get to the stage where you wanna be but it will take time, hard work, practice and dedication. So even though I'm immensely proud of what I've accomplished this past year, I also have to keep some part of my brain that tells me I actually suck, just so I can keep pushing to improve. Which can be tough don't get me wrong, making pages knowing that at my current level I'm probably making tons of mistakes I'm not yet aware of, but again, it's the engagement and appraisal I get from the few people who have stuck it out this far that really keeps me going and reminds me that this is what I wanna do.
To those people, to those who have inspired me and who continue to do so, to those who follow me just for my non comic art and don't care about all that stuff, to those who offer love and encouragement, and to those who have enjoyed my work this past year I cannot begin to find the words to thank you. Here's to another year!
151 pages were completed in the first year, and we are roughly halfway through chapter 4. There are 15/16 chapters in total with a couple of smaller chapters meant to provide background info on some characters who don't really get that opportunity in the main story. So I guess you could say we're around 25% of the way there? Although there are still gonna be revisions after revisions, mainly to do with the presentation. Upon completion of the fifth chapter we would have reached the culmination of the first act, there I want to take some time to reformat and rearrange the panels, have them peer reviewed, maybe add some more to space things out better, all to make a first manuscript which I can feel happy sending off to publishers. Lowkey I'm still pretty nervous about this, if y'all remember I got rejected HARD by a publisher last year and it stunted progress for a few weeks. But it's all a learning experience, this is my first step into the world of graphic novel writing and in no way do I expect to all of a sudden be an expert just because I can doodle cute animal people. This is why I say Tales From Sylfheim is still a work in progress, not just the pages that have yet to come but also the pages released, I'm thinking of doing a joint masters degree in creative writing and film studies once I finish my bachelor's in film, hopefully that will teach me more about storytelling and presentation.
I get bad imposter syndrome sometimes, I talked about this in a previous journal but in essence I'm trying to teach myself that it's okay to not be absolutely perfect, especially since this is the first time you've taken on a project like this. You're aspiring to be like people who have done this stuff for years upon years and who have huge experience and talent in what they do. It's possible to get to the stage where you wanna be but it will take time, hard work, practice and dedication. So even though I'm immensely proud of what I've accomplished this past year, I also have to keep some part of my brain that tells me I actually suck, just so I can keep pushing to improve. Which can be tough don't get me wrong, making pages knowing that at my current level I'm probably making tons of mistakes I'm not yet aware of, but again, it's the engagement and appraisal I get from the few people who have stuck it out this far that really keeps me going and reminds me that this is what I wanna do.
To those people, to those who have inspired me and who continue to do so, to those who follow me just for my non comic art and don't care about all that stuff, to those who offer love and encouragement, and to those who have enjoyed my work this past year I cannot begin to find the words to thank you. Here's to another year!
General Update + Edits - Tales From Sylfheim
Posted 3 years agoOki dokey so I've had a busy past few days!
There's been a few things I've been wanting to alter in Tales From Sylfheim and coming to the end of chapter 3 seemed like the perfect opportunity. Over the past few days I've been going over and editing a whole bunch of the pages, nothing major story wise but some tweaks to better suit the narrative and presentation.
These changes are
- Round textboxes for pages 1-50
- Hemlan now has a wig/extensions when going out as Hemlyn
- Kalladriel has been renamed to Lazriel as I felt her name was a bit too similar to Galadriel from LotR
- Fixed some broken text boxes
- Fixed a scene where it's implied Maegur and Y'dren are sharing the same bed
- Rewrote dialogue across certain pages to better convey information
- Chapter 1 renamed to 'Immolation'
- Fixed pronouns and snout shade for Rutan
- Updated world map for page 24
- End of Chapter subtitles on pages 35 and 70
This comic is on all accounts a work in progress and will occasionally be subject to minor tweaks until a physical publication can be arranged. However the narrative remains the same. Chapter 3 is coming to an end soon, making this the longest chapter so far with 45 (ish) pages as opposed to 1 + 2's 35
There's genuinely nothing better than seeing people commenting and faving these pages as they come out. Seeing the same names pop up every now and then makes me feel all warm inside, like I've suceeded in captivating people with this enormous world I have inside my head. You guys know who you are and I love you to bits ♥️
As always if you're looking to jump ahead the next four pages are up on my website along with a world map, timeline, character bio's and supplemental pages that offer cool insights into how magic works, how the capital city is segmented, as well as notes on the cultures of the druids and the acolytes. Feel free to head on over! www.trivialbroker.com/tales-from-sylfheim
Thanks again! Take care x
There's been a few things I've been wanting to alter in Tales From Sylfheim and coming to the end of chapter 3 seemed like the perfect opportunity. Over the past few days I've been going over and editing a whole bunch of the pages, nothing major story wise but some tweaks to better suit the narrative and presentation.
These changes are
- Round textboxes for pages 1-50
- Hemlan now has a wig/extensions when going out as Hemlyn
- Kalladriel has been renamed to Lazriel as I felt her name was a bit too similar to Galadriel from LotR
- Fixed some broken text boxes
- Fixed a scene where it's implied Maegur and Y'dren are sharing the same bed
- Rewrote dialogue across certain pages to better convey information
- Chapter 1 renamed to 'Immolation'
- Fixed pronouns and snout shade for Rutan
- Updated world map for page 24
- End of Chapter subtitles on pages 35 and 70
This comic is on all accounts a work in progress and will occasionally be subject to minor tweaks until a physical publication can be arranged. However the narrative remains the same. Chapter 3 is coming to an end soon, making this the longest chapter so far with 45 (ish) pages as opposed to 1 + 2's 35
There's genuinely nothing better than seeing people commenting and faving these pages as they come out. Seeing the same names pop up every now and then makes me feel all warm inside, like I've suceeded in captivating people with this enormous world I have inside my head. You guys know who you are and I love you to bits ♥️
As always if you're looking to jump ahead the next four pages are up on my website along with a world map, timeline, character bio's and supplemental pages that offer cool insights into how magic works, how the capital city is segmented, as well as notes on the cultures of the druids and the acolytes. Feel free to head on over! www.trivialbroker.com/tales-from-sylfheim
Thanks again! Take care x
General Update
Posted 4 years agoHeya. Wanted to give a quick progress update on chapter 3 as well as just vent some frustrations.
It's coming along nicely! Plan is I wanna get up to five pages before I start posting again
to places other than my website, that way I'm comfortably ahead in the event Uni assignments get in the way. Page 74 is close to finishing and I'm super happy with some of these panels. Chapter three is really where the story gets into full swing, a lot of stuff happens and I can't wait to show it off!
I'm considering opening a tip jar, either through something like Kofi, Patreon or even through Shinies. Essentially all the money I used to get through commissions went towards helping fund my studies but since the comic is pretty much the only thing I draw these days and I haven't gotten a commission in months that avenue has been closed off. I guess my biggest fear is no one would support it and I would come across looking kinda pretentious? The comic isn't super big or anything and I also don't really feel comfortable pressuring the few people that do enjoy it into a financial support system. I'm not sure, it's something to consider.
I'm pretty all over the place as of late. If you've spoken to me over the past few days you may have noticed. Just feeling a bit pedantic and off-balance if that makes sense. I completely overlooked an assignment that's due in on Friday because I thought for some reason I still had a few more weeks. I went shopping only to buy something I completely forgot I already owned and in the panicked rush to return it ended up being late to a seminar. I can't seem to commit my timetable to mind, one morning last week I had everything planned out down to the last minute so that I could be in Uni on time, and was sure I was on top of everything, only for my taxi to arrive whilst I was in the shower because the seminar was actually at 12pm and not 1pm. It's not just Uni stuff though, there have been moments the past week or so where I'm just totally out of it, stressed and pedantic about tiny little things and the next day I wake up only to look back on myself and think, 'well that was dumb of you'. Prime example is the last couple of artists I commissioned. Both being artists I really look up to and I definitely embarrassed myself in front of them. Asking for edits too late or being finicky about dumb things. Thankfully both were super kind and understanding bless them, but it's still got me feeling a bit sheepish. I've never thought of myself as being a 'nightmare client' before, and I like to think I'm pretty easy-going with art as I generally only commission artists whose style I love to pieces or those I think could do very little wrong. But eeegh it's something I'm gonna be cringing about for a while. Not my finest moment that's for sure, but I'm hoping it's something I can look back and laugh at later down the line. I was also turned down by a publisher I had my heart set on. I thought my comic was exactly what they were looking for but turns out that was not the case. I did ask if I could maybe get some feedback and let me tell you they did NOT hold back. They tore my comic to shreds and it didn't seem like they liked any of it. This was only a couple of weeks after my last journal so as you can imagine I took it to heart which I know is something you should never do with constructive criticism, especially if you asked for it. But yea it put me in a bad spot, made me feel like all this work I'm doing is nothing but a sad imitation of all the amazing comic artists I look up to. That despite me putting my heart and soul into this project the past few months I'll never be good enough. I'm gonna continue to look for publishers who I think may be interested but for now I'm just gonna focus on getting my confidence back and seeing how I can apply the critiques I've been given.
Friends sometimes tell me I care too much about what others think of me and I agree to an extent. I suppose it harkens back to what I talked about in my last journal with the need to feel validated? Im just constantly worried about saying or doing the wrong thing and giving people a bad taste in their mouth. Is it normal to feel as if you're constantly inconveniencing people? Even with dumb stuff like asking for an extension on a paper or double checking with a friend what film we were supposed to watch in prep? Then again if I just stay silent I worry about being the strange quiet kid who just draws a lot in class. Sometimes I just wanna say 'hey I think you're really cool and I really admire you and appreciate you talking to me that one time ages ago that you've probably forgotten about' but that would definitely not help my case LOL.
For the people who do take the time to talk to me and/or try to understand me despite my shortcomings bless your souls. If you're reading this you know who you are. I genuinely don't know what I'd do without you and the feeling of normalcy I get when talking to you is something I could never put into words. If you've read this far then thank you, I don't know if I'm gonna keep this journal up because I don't wanna be one of those people who constantly whines and puts out a bunch of "woe is me" vent pieces, but it brings me a small comfort to just put these things into words. Like I'm laying out my problems in a way I can understand so I can better piece things together in future.
It's coming along nicely! Plan is I wanna get up to five pages before I start posting again
to places other than my website, that way I'm comfortably ahead in the event Uni assignments get in the way. Page 74 is close to finishing and I'm super happy with some of these panels. Chapter three is really where the story gets into full swing, a lot of stuff happens and I can't wait to show it off!
I'm considering opening a tip jar, either through something like Kofi, Patreon or even through Shinies. Essentially all the money I used to get through commissions went towards helping fund my studies but since the comic is pretty much the only thing I draw these days and I haven't gotten a commission in months that avenue has been closed off. I guess my biggest fear is no one would support it and I would come across looking kinda pretentious? The comic isn't super big or anything and I also don't really feel comfortable pressuring the few people that do enjoy it into a financial support system. I'm not sure, it's something to consider.
I'm pretty all over the place as of late. If you've spoken to me over the past few days you may have noticed. Just feeling a bit pedantic and off-balance if that makes sense. I completely overlooked an assignment that's due in on Friday because I thought for some reason I still had a few more weeks. I went shopping only to buy something I completely forgot I already owned and in the panicked rush to return it ended up being late to a seminar. I can't seem to commit my timetable to mind, one morning last week I had everything planned out down to the last minute so that I could be in Uni on time, and was sure I was on top of everything, only for my taxi to arrive whilst I was in the shower because the seminar was actually at 12pm and not 1pm. It's not just Uni stuff though, there have been moments the past week or so where I'm just totally out of it, stressed and pedantic about tiny little things and the next day I wake up only to look back on myself and think, 'well that was dumb of you'. Prime example is the last couple of artists I commissioned. Both being artists I really look up to and I definitely embarrassed myself in front of them. Asking for edits too late or being finicky about dumb things. Thankfully both were super kind and understanding bless them, but it's still got me feeling a bit sheepish. I've never thought of myself as being a 'nightmare client' before, and I like to think I'm pretty easy-going with art as I generally only commission artists whose style I love to pieces or those I think could do very little wrong. But eeegh it's something I'm gonna be cringing about for a while. Not my finest moment that's for sure, but I'm hoping it's something I can look back and laugh at later down the line. I was also turned down by a publisher I had my heart set on. I thought my comic was exactly what they were looking for but turns out that was not the case. I did ask if I could maybe get some feedback and let me tell you they did NOT hold back. They tore my comic to shreds and it didn't seem like they liked any of it. This was only a couple of weeks after my last journal so as you can imagine I took it to heart which I know is something you should never do with constructive criticism, especially if you asked for it. But yea it put me in a bad spot, made me feel like all this work I'm doing is nothing but a sad imitation of all the amazing comic artists I look up to. That despite me putting my heart and soul into this project the past few months I'll never be good enough. I'm gonna continue to look for publishers who I think may be interested but for now I'm just gonna focus on getting my confidence back and seeing how I can apply the critiques I've been given.
Friends sometimes tell me I care too much about what others think of me and I agree to an extent. I suppose it harkens back to what I talked about in my last journal with the need to feel validated? Im just constantly worried about saying or doing the wrong thing and giving people a bad taste in their mouth. Is it normal to feel as if you're constantly inconveniencing people? Even with dumb stuff like asking for an extension on a paper or double checking with a friend what film we were supposed to watch in prep? Then again if I just stay silent I worry about being the strange quiet kid who just draws a lot in class. Sometimes I just wanna say 'hey I think you're really cool and I really admire you and appreciate you talking to me that one time ages ago that you've probably forgotten about' but that would definitely not help my case LOL.
For the people who do take the time to talk to me and/or try to understand me despite my shortcomings bless your souls. If you're reading this you know who you are. I genuinely don't know what I'd do without you and the feeling of normalcy I get when talking to you is something I could never put into words. If you've read this far then thank you, I don't know if I'm gonna keep this journal up because I don't wanna be one of those people who constantly whines and puts out a bunch of "woe is me" vent pieces, but it brings me a small comfort to just put these things into words. Like I'm laying out my problems in a way I can understand so I can better piece things together in future.
Imposter Syndrome and Tales From Sylfheim
Posted 4 years agoThought I'd go ahead and throw out a quick vent into the online void. Recently I've been feeling super gloomy about the comic, I'm still having so much fun making it don't get me wrong, but when writing the dialogue or planning the next page I'm constantly thinking 'oh yes they'll love this' or 'how can I intrigue the reader more' or 'how can I really fascinate someone with this silly little world in my head'. It's that drive that has kept me going so far but lately reception has been slow. People in my friend groups hardly ever talk to me about it the way they used to, I don't get pings on discord of people asking how the next page is coming along, I never stumble onto conversations of people theorising where the characters are gonna end up so that drive of wanting to get the next page out so I can get that kind of validation gets dimmer and dimmer to the point where I had a moment today where I just thought 'why am I doing this?'.
All this effort planning out this intricate world and story has me thinking what the point of it all is. Often I'll drift off to sleep thinking of how great it's gonna be when I can get a physical copy made as that's always been the dream, but now I'm thinking, will it really be that great? Or will it be just a sad imitation of the incredible graphic novel artists I look up to. Artists like Tillie Walden, Alice Oseman, Mary Knox Ostertag, James Tynion and Micheal Dialynas, not to mention all the incredible artists on this site. Recently I downloaded Webtoons with the plan of making a page there for Tales From Sylfheim and I started reading some fantastic comics over there that really make me think 'jeez, what the hell am I doing? How the hell could I ever be good enough to compete with this? Is this what I would need to be to make this comic special?'
I know people are gonna say 'well if you enjoy doing it why stop' and that's fair, and to be clear I don't have any plans on stopping, it's just irl I'm a person who generally needs quite a lot of affirmation to feel sure that what I'm doing is right. And with this comic, my family haven't read it, my friends haven't really read it, my boyfriend hasnt read it, so I'm kinda stuck in a rut of thinking why am I not good enough to get their validation. Why can't I be as good as those who I look up to? Would it just be better if I went back to regular commission based arts? What if all this hard work and effort is going to lead me to nothing but a facepalm a few years down the line when I think 'why did I spend so much time on that rubbish'?
Ah well, chapter two is coming along nicely, we're roughly 70% through at this point and it's certainly gonna end with a bang. Chapter three is definitely gonna have a lot more action and drama involved once all the characters are where they need to be. If you've read this far thank you, I'm gonna try get some sleep now. Laters <3
All this effort planning out this intricate world and story has me thinking what the point of it all is. Often I'll drift off to sleep thinking of how great it's gonna be when I can get a physical copy made as that's always been the dream, but now I'm thinking, will it really be that great? Or will it be just a sad imitation of the incredible graphic novel artists I look up to. Artists like Tillie Walden, Alice Oseman, Mary Knox Ostertag, James Tynion and Micheal Dialynas, not to mention all the incredible artists on this site. Recently I downloaded Webtoons with the plan of making a page there for Tales From Sylfheim and I started reading some fantastic comics over there that really make me think 'jeez, what the hell am I doing? How the hell could I ever be good enough to compete with this? Is this what I would need to be to make this comic special?'
I know people are gonna say 'well if you enjoy doing it why stop' and that's fair, and to be clear I don't have any plans on stopping, it's just irl I'm a person who generally needs quite a lot of affirmation to feel sure that what I'm doing is right. And with this comic, my family haven't read it, my friends haven't really read it, my boyfriend hasnt read it, so I'm kinda stuck in a rut of thinking why am I not good enough to get their validation. Why can't I be as good as those who I look up to? Would it just be better if I went back to regular commission based arts? What if all this hard work and effort is going to lead me to nothing but a facepalm a few years down the line when I think 'why did I spend so much time on that rubbish'?
Ah well, chapter two is coming along nicely, we're roughly 70% through at this point and it's certainly gonna end with a bang. Chapter three is definitely gonna have a lot more action and drama involved once all the characters are where they need to be. If you've read this far thank you, I'm gonna try get some sleep now. Laters <3
FREE ART | Tales From Sylfheim Cameo's
Posted 4 years agoHello all! So today is actually my birthday and I'm gonna put together this journal because I've been holding off on it for a while! I suppose you could call this a casting call of sorts? So I'm looking for characters to feature in a long running comic series I'm working on! It's completely SFW so don't worry about your characters being drawn in any uncompromising positions. To sign up just link me your ref in the replies along with...
I (name) grant TrivialBroker permission to feature my character (character name) in their comic series Tales From Sylfheim. I understand this work may be monetised in future and if so I will not receive any of said funds
Sadly I may not be able to accept everyone who signs up however all genders, species and body types are acceptable aside from non animal or fantasy characters (humans, dragons, demons ect). Mammals, birds and reptiles are all acceptable. All ages are welcome! There are a few scenes I have planned featuring baby/kidfurs as well as some elderly characters. I'm afraid I cannot give everyone creative control over what happens with their character or where they will end up in the story however if there are situations that you 100% do not want your character appearing in then please let me know and I will do my best to accommodate your request. If your character has a trait that you would like to be accomadated that you are free to include that in your application. If your character is chosen you will be credited wherever possible.
For more information on the series as well as all currently completed pages click here to view the website - https://www.trivialbroker.com/tales-from-sylfheim
Please keep in mind that I won't be able to notify everyone individually if/when they make their appearance. The best way to keep an eye out to see if your character makes the cut is to watch me and keep up with the comic. Thank you very much and I look forward to drawing your characters!Terms and Conditions
Posted 6 years agoHeya! Thanks for taking interest in my commissions list! Please find below a list of things I will and will not draw. Please also take into consideration my strengths and weaknesses before commissioning me so that we can both be sure you will get something that's worth the money :3
I will draw -
NSFW
Candygore
Drug use
Cub/Babyfur
Ferals
I will NOT draw -
Specialist Fetish Art (Inflation, Vore, Scat/Watersports ect)
Ferals in NSFW situations
Minors in NSFW or Drug Inclusive situations
Self harm
Art with offensive or prejudicial undertones
My Strengths -
Canine, Feline and Vulpine characters
Manga
My Weaknesses -
Scaly, Avian or Aquatic characters
Indoor Backgrounds (please inquire about outdoor backgrounds)
Regarding payment, for commissions priced under £15 I request that the payment be sent upfront, however for more expensive commissions I am perfectly fine with a half upfront and half on approval of the sketch layer approach. Other payment options can be discussed. Complexity fee's do apply if you require a specialist background, complex poses or if the characters design in detailed. The amount of the fee varies. Also if you do not have a form of character reference like a ref sheet or previously completed artwork then I will require a detailed written description, a way that I can contact you easily for approval of the artwork, as well as a variable fee that may or may not also include the complexity fee. If you feel you are unhappy with the prices given then do not shy away from discussing it with me, I'm sure we will be able to work a price that is fair and suits the both of us.
Regarding refunds. I will NOT refund money for completed artwork. I am happy to change minor details to suit your preferences however I do ask that if you request large changes then I will be made aware of this during the approval of the sketch layer. If you wish to cancel a commission that I have begun work on then you will receive a 50% refund and a 75% refund if I have not begun work. This is for the time I take to plan my timetable for commissions and organisation. If the sketch layer has been approved then I will not issue a refund.
Regarding trades, I love to do art trades! I do request however that both of us be on a similar skill level so that we can both receive artwork we can be happy with.
When re-posting completed commissions please make sure you credit me for the work. I do not give consent for you to use completed commissions in private projects such as video game sprites or animations. If you wish to discuss me granting you the copyright to any completed artwork please feel free to let me know however be aware that this will include a hefty cost. I do NOT consent to people tracing or editing my artwork in any way whatsoever. If you wish for minor changes to be made on completed commissions then contact me and I will be happy to do that for you, please note that this offer expires after six months and if after six months you wish for changes to be made on completed artwork then a small fee will be included.
By commissioning me you agree to the terms and conditions above as well as consent for me to post the completed commissions to various social media to help boost my brand and service. Character credit will of course be given.
Thank you for reading and I look forward to working with you :3
I will draw -
NSFW
Candygore
Drug use
Cub/Babyfur
Ferals
I will NOT draw -
Specialist Fetish Art (Inflation, Vore, Scat/Watersports ect)
Ferals in NSFW situations
Minors in NSFW or Drug Inclusive situations
Self harm
Art with offensive or prejudicial undertones
My Strengths -
Canine, Feline and Vulpine characters
Manga
My Weaknesses -
Scaly, Avian or Aquatic characters
Indoor Backgrounds (please inquire about outdoor backgrounds)
Regarding payment, for commissions priced under £15 I request that the payment be sent upfront, however for more expensive commissions I am perfectly fine with a half upfront and half on approval of the sketch layer approach. Other payment options can be discussed. Complexity fee's do apply if you require a specialist background, complex poses or if the characters design in detailed. The amount of the fee varies. Also if you do not have a form of character reference like a ref sheet or previously completed artwork then I will require a detailed written description, a way that I can contact you easily for approval of the artwork, as well as a variable fee that may or may not also include the complexity fee. If you feel you are unhappy with the prices given then do not shy away from discussing it with me, I'm sure we will be able to work a price that is fair and suits the both of us.
Regarding refunds. I will NOT refund money for completed artwork. I am happy to change minor details to suit your preferences however I do ask that if you request large changes then I will be made aware of this during the approval of the sketch layer. If you wish to cancel a commission that I have begun work on then you will receive a 50% refund and a 75% refund if I have not begun work. This is for the time I take to plan my timetable for commissions and organisation. If the sketch layer has been approved then I will not issue a refund.
Regarding trades, I love to do art trades! I do request however that both of us be on a similar skill level so that we can both receive artwork we can be happy with.
When re-posting completed commissions please make sure you credit me for the work. I do not give consent for you to use completed commissions in private projects such as video game sprites or animations. If you wish to discuss me granting you the copyright to any completed artwork please feel free to let me know however be aware that this will include a hefty cost. I do NOT consent to people tracing or editing my artwork in any way whatsoever. If you wish for minor changes to be made on completed commissions then contact me and I will be happy to do that for you, please note that this offer expires after six months and if after six months you wish for changes to be made on completed artwork then a small fee will be included.
By commissioning me you agree to the terms and conditions above as well as consent for me to post the completed commissions to various social media to help boost my brand and service. Character credit will of course be given.
Thank you for reading and I look forward to working with you :3
