Its been one month since you left us, and the pain and anger don't diminish, the sleepless nights and horrible days continue as my soul still craves vengeance against your murderer, for even though you took your own life, it was because of "her" and "her" lies and manipulations, even so, you made me promise I would not hunt them down, for you knew I would bring the hammer down on every one of those that betrayed you equally and without measure, you knew me well, and I miss you terribly, and even though the other ones are working on getting justice, I will not aid them, because I promised you.

All I have left are these words my friend, that I write in an attempt to extinguish the anger I feel knowing the person responsible for your death is still out there, being treated by "her" cult as if "she" was the most precious thing, being told it was not "her" fault, being comforted as if "she" deserved it, those you knew "she" betrayed you with, they love and desire a murderer and a liar, living on their own delusions as well, you were murdered my friend, whether they want to admit it or not.

We were your family too Tygrus, we knew you, we cared for you, we tried to get you out of that damn corrupt system that had its claws on you, but you knew we couldn't do anything legally but that we were trying, and then you forgot, your memory got shattered and you forgot, we tried telling you but you began talking about "her", about "her" lies, you told us to back off because "she" would come through, that you finally found love..., you treated us like strangers, you never spoke about us, you forgot about us, you never told them about us, because of "her", because "she" was as lonely as you, you said, even though you knew before your memories got shattered that "she" lied, goddammit why did you had to listen to "her"?, this past month I have been going backwards on all your history with your murderer, reading, you also doubted "her", you saw fragments of the truth but your love was too great, you only offered "her" love and care, and all "she" did was lie to you over and over again, causing you to doubt, you felt the truth at your finger tips you begged "her" to release you of the oath you made, but "she" dragged you back and I don't know why.

You never told us about this side of you until you were in the hospital after "her" betrayal, you knew you wouldn't be able to survive for long, so you finally decided to let us know about this side of you, I still don't understand it, but I guess its why "she" could trap you like "she" did, sadly your wounded state and your fractured mind made you an easy target, I still read "her" last conversations with me with rage, "I wish he could have been with you" "she" told me, spitting on your memory, "let me enjoy life" "she" told me, as if killing you was just a game to "her", that monster spat on your love, on your care for "her", even if some part of you knew, your heart never weavered, until the very end, when "she" murdered you, that last dying light on christmas eve fading as you looked to the sky waiting, and it torments me because I told you to try, to hope, it was my fault for not listening to those that knew the truth, to the kids, who saw right through "her" and them.

I know these words will never reach them, some of "her" cult might read it but it will ultimately mean nothing, "she" has already dropped you like you meant nothing, all of them have, we made you a funeral in ff, they, they didn't even say a word about you, I wish they had, since once they meant something to you, but I know they never will, because they side with a murderer, with a liar, this words are for me.

I should have sent your last words to all of them, to "her" "artists", to "her" supporters, to your replacement, to "her" but even though they had a lot of truth in them, you still cared for them in the end, you still said kind words to them and they don't deserve them.

And in the remote case "you" are reading this, you killed one of the brightest stars in the sky, I only pray justice finds you, you are no hero, you are no superhuman, you are a murderer, I know he is not at peace because of you, and I hope life is as merciless on you and your cult as it was on him, I hope the hunt they have against you right now comes through, I hope you know no peace and pay for your crimes.

Good night My friend, I miss you, more than I can ever say.

The lie you believed my friend, the lie that cost you your life, You were murdered, there is no doubt of that, no matter how she or her cult want to dice it, she killed you, and she is still out there, happy as "she" can be...

A 7'7 "autistic" woman, that has lupine traits, white hair that grows faster than weed, built like a bulldozer, that despite being past 40 she looks in her 20's, that has a name that is not registered in any country I have found outside the 16th century France, that has superhuman strength and can demolish buildings on her own, that apparently is a genius at building machines and weapons and cosplay, that is cataloged as a one-woman army mercenary, that can track even the most hardened criminals out of hiding and catch them without fail, that could rescue anyone (before you of course) without fail, who can charge up to more than one million dollars for her services, and cause mass destruction without being noticed by the news or local authorities, that has a mansion island that cannot be found or traced, who has no way of making a simple phonecall aside from the internet of course, and is supposedly the "leader" of a large mercenary organization formed exclusively by women that I could find no track or trace of, that is supposedly a genius as well as she said she was your intellectual equal, and I know you were truly smart.

This is the woman that ultimately murdered you, who set her predatory ways on you, and you believed her, you isolated yourself from us for this woman, you donated more than half of what you did for this woman and she used it to pay a lot of people that hurt you (even if she denies it vehemently), that when the time for your reunion came suddenly this supposed genius became stupid and flew into a storm "to be on time" and apparently survived not one but two different plane crashes, being up an about from that just 2 days after (because of course she also has amazing healing superpowers), that spit on your face at every turn she could, pissed on your memory, and never once mentioned you publicly, besides that one picture YOU paid for (that the artist was kind to remove).

Learning via a kind nurse who offered help and even PAY to help you two be together she once again turned suddenly very fragile and had a heart attack that lasted less than 3 days just on the date she was supposed to get you because the nurse was mean to her, a one-woman army hurt so much by the words of a nurse keeping you ALIVE and trying to help, that she had a heart attack, that she miraculously recovered from 3 days after.

Then once again she learned via me and the kid that you were on the street, suffering, she turned a blind eye, she decided to leave you there to suffer, as she had found replacements for you, that she hid from you since January of 2021 when you still begged her to tell you the truth, so you could make plans, instead of having blind faith on a charlatan

Two more times this supposed superwoman that her cult adores and comforts and tells her its not her fault, two more times this woman again spit on you and failed to show up, breaking you every day just a little bit more until the pain of the lies was too great, that your heart had been demolished not just by her lies and abandonment but because you were freezing to death, hungry and thirsty almost every day, why do I say this person murdered you?, simple, her lies caused you to stop caring for yourself, you distanced from us to help her, you ordered us to stop saying bad things about her because "she was your world and she understood you", we told you to save up, we told you we could not send money to you because the corrupt system had you in lockdown and your accounts were frozen, that you could not open a new account once they were done with you, but you didn't listen

Your caretaker Yolanda couldn't handle you because you were scary Tygrus, I know first hand that, you would never harm anyone undeservingly but your rage was terrifying to look at, and this poor 70-year-old woman could not handle that, Megan found you and offered you a chance and you did not take it because you still believed in this fictitious character and I can't stand it, it has been almost one month my friend, almost one month, and I still hear from the kids what she does, and my anger does not grow less, I promised you, but lord all mighty I know I shouldn't had...

I'll beg your pardon, I wrote a Eulogy for my friend as there was no funeral service and no one to mourn him, From your Friend, Santiago.

Tygrus Gustav Baumgarten, Born June 29th 1982 in the city of Bonn, Germany, brother to Tigris Marianne Baumgarten, parents unknown.

By vicissitudes of fate, these children were sent to Mexico city at a very early age, and from there they moved from foster home to
foster home, traveling that country and living on the streets until Tygrus was old enough to care for them both.

Abused, Raped, Beaten but never broken, Tygrus fought against life and fate for the sake of his sister, sometimes begging, sometimes working, sometimes a bit of both, he moved on for the sake of the one he loved, through hard work and constant struggle he forged a life for both of them.

He paid for her studies, lifted her up so she could have a better life than they already knew, and once she was accomplished, she did the same for him, both began a passion in the field of hairdressing, his sister and most of his clients swore he had the hands of an angel, and he used his gift for the sake of a better life, and to bring happiness to his clients.

But his struggles were far from over, once again tragedy stroke the pair as his sister was diagnosed with Cancer, it had already invaded her liver and some other parts, and in an attempt to save her he gave everything they had built, sold their home, all their possessions just to be able to pay the medical bills, but in the end it proved a futile attempt to overcome impossibility, as he lost her some 4 years ago.

The loss of his sister marked the beginning of his descent into his ultimate fate, he tried to fight but it was a losing battle, he stayed afloat from time to time as the only thing he could hold was the salon both had built together, he had found respite in videogames since before tragedy hit though, and that's where our friendship began, in world of Warcraft around 10 or so years ago, I met him and his sister, they were wonderful people, he was the kind of man who would not doubt to take from himself to give to those he loved, and he proved it to us time and time again.

Good nurtured, a bit eccentric, but always loving, easy to hurt, very easy to hurt, but just as easy to forgive to those who asked, he moved on as he lost his sister, until 2020 and the covid pandemic hit.

The pandemic took everything from him, his freedom, his health and worse of all, the last memory he had of his sister, the salon they worked so hard to build was taken and lost forever, this sent him on a spiral of anger and sadness that culminated in multiple attempts at suicide, not one of us could talk him out of it, though he shared the thoughts, he did so just to let everyone know that he might not be around the next day, all of his friends were not of his country, and sadly no people of the country considered him a friend, for the reason I have already established, he was easy to hurt, and people not always like to recognize their own mistakes, so they left him alone.

Surprisingly he survived all of them, and that landed him on the hands of a corrupt, immoral and despicable organization that branded him insane and confined him to lockdown, in the care of some horrible people that only wanted the government stipend, they could not lock him on the asylum due to political and pandemic reasons, so that was their best solution, and subjected him to horrible tortures and treatments no human being should ever have to suffer.

For months he battled and tried but he could not escape the fate the heavens had imposed on him, and on his birthday, in 2021, he was tossed out on the street, due to the organization branding a federal warrant against him, he could not find any work, due to the malpractice and ill will of the people there, his hands were ruined, his memory shattered, his life in shambles.

This past few months he had a rough time, living on the streets, without food or the possibility of doing anything besides beg, he tried to find help with institutions like the red cross or the CRIT, but to no avail, he was marked as a danger, so only a few select people were willing to help, for a time, it seemed he might make it, but misfortune struck again, assaulted, stabbed, insulted he had to run and hide from the world, the suffering, and agony and anger growing inside of him turning him into a monster.

His ultimate fate decided by his own choosing, waiting for someone who did not come, for a miracle that did not happen, the pain and agony were finally so much so he took his own life with some anesthetics he stole, ending his tale, for good this time.

His was a life of strife and pain, but he walked unbowed until the very end, when the pain was too much, farewell my friend, pain can no longer reach you, cold can no longer bother you, sleep has finally embraced you into his arms.

You told me a small snippet of your favorite game, let me say them for you:

Kalahira, mistress of inscrutable depths, I ask forgiveness.
Kalahira, whose waves wear down stone and sand.
Kalahira, wash the sins from this one and set him on the distant shore of the infinite spirit.
Kalahira, this one’s heart is pure but beset by wickedness and contention.
Guide this one to where the traveler never tires, the lover never leaves, the hungry never starve.
Guide this one, Kalahira, and he will be a companion to you as he was to me.

Farewell my friend Tygrus, you were loved, even if you could not see it at the end.

This notification comes from a friend of his, My name is Santiago, and I am keeping this as a shrine, for anyone who would like to know

His time of passing was Saturday, December 25th, 1:17 AM, cause of death, an overdose of an anesthetic, and exposure.

He had been living on the streets for months now, hoping for a miracle that did not come, I leave this note to mourn him, and hope anyone out there mourn him with me

Some may say another story, a different tale, let this be known, he died alone, some of us tried to save him, but we were not successful, others may say they tried but they did not.

To all, please remember him...

This notification comes from a friend of his, My name is Santiago, and I am keeping this as a shrine, for anyone who would like to know

His time of passing was Saturday, December 25th, 1:17 AM, cause of death, an overdose of an anesthetic, and exposure.

He had been living on the streets for months now, hoping for a miracle that did not come, I leave this note to mourn him, and hope anyone out there mourn him with me

Some may say another story, a different tale, let this be known, he died alone, some of us tried to save him, but we were not successful, others may say they tried but they did not.

To all, please remember him...

Today, I finally made the only choice I have left, I am not going to let life dictate how it will end me, I will do it myself, my death will be on my terms, by my hand, I won't let life have this satisfaction, You can see where I will rest if you ever want to look for me

I am done, I finally lost everything, and I got the means to do it, my caretaker has been informed, she will call the funeral services once I'm gone, I left everything in order, I cleaned up all I could, the only thing that will remain, is this page, as a memento, as a memory I existed

To all that touched my life, thanks, I wish you the best in your life

Here lies a man broken, betrayed, and in pain, whose life of hardships and never-ending torment, ends tonight, tomorrow, the world will spin without me, the lives of everyone will go on like I never existed or mattered

To you life, it's my win, I will do it on my own...

Well, one month without any incident has been a record on my history since I woke up, I hoped this year would bring something new, and boy did it do

I now have an expiration date, no, I was not diagnosed with any terminal illness, I was informed a few days ago, that after we reach June 29th, the day of my birthday and the day the "crazy" sentence finally ends, I'll have two more days before I am forcefully evicted into the street, with nothing but what I have on my self

Yes I have some stuff I could sell, maybe even afford the rent of someplace for one or two months before crushing debt finally reaches me, but, I doubt it, you'll see even if I sold all my possessions, I am still paying for the bills of my sister hospital, it was a staggering amount, I sold an apartment, one car, and still haven't been able to pay it off fully, so money is tight for me, everything I manage to get for the stuff I own, will be saved for food on a card

Also taking into consideration I've been flagged as dangerous in this entire country, not just the state I live in, I cant work directly with people, the job I currently hold needs internet, which I will no longer have access to, and sadly the job doesn't pay enough to cover debts and rent, food and living expenses, considering that the job I did for more than a decade is no longer a possibility for me, means I lack any reference or qualification for professional jobs I could find

So I will be thrown into the street, and since I sincerely doubt the virus will be controlled and gone by then, I will be exposed to it, with no roof, no certain food, and no medical care, and having almost being killed by it with medical care, I'm certain it pretty much is a death-sentence, maybe a day, maybe a few months, but it certainly spells doom for me

So, I don't know what to do, I am currently held prisoner, I won't be able to get training or a certificate that will help me get a job that can pay expenses, have no family, or friends or anyone to help, and as soon as I am no longer a prisoner, goodbye world, I'll have to see how the next 4 to 5 months play out, maybe something will happen, it's 150 ish days, something might happen

But... I'm too tired, too wounded, and too depressed to hope or dream, if this is going to be the end, then so be it...

Here is to another year without you Sis, you are missed more than I can state, my only family, the only person who truly cared, whose only memories of I now have are thanks to the diaries and journals you left behind, and a few notes I myself wrote

This year has been terrible for a lot of people Sis, to me in particular it has been utterly devastating, there is a pandemic raging in the world, costing lives and showing peoples true colors, let me tell you a little about this year, I was declared insane because of a particularly nasty unsuccessful suicide attempt (or so I was told), I don't have the details on my mind anymore because they were wiped out by a depression "treatment" known as electroconvulsive therapy, or ECT, which was imposed on me, and shattered my mind into tiny pieces, my memories only flashbacks that bring pain, cannot even recall the day you left sis, so I hope you won't mind I'll remember you on our birthday, I read you and I shared it, how funny is that?

Due to this insanity plight, I was flagged as dangerous to work with people, remember how we said we would work as hairdressers side to side until the end of time? as you so lovingly depicted on your second diary?, well that was taken from me, forever, flagged like they flag criminals and pedophiles, I won't be allowed to own a salon, or work on one ever again...

I also learned that the place you work so hard to get, that lovely little spot that had that sleazeball as an owner? the person that made you feel soiled just by standing near him and had to suffer every time we had pay rent, that spot was also taken from me due to this pandemic, I don't even know where the chairs and all our stuff went, I can't remember, it brings me to tears that I don't know where most of the stuff you left is

I am alone this year too, sis, you wrote it on the last page of your last entry, before I had to take you to the hospital and you never came back, you were afraid I would remain lonely forever, you stated on the same page that due to my nature, and how sensible I am, people won't want to be near me, no one would care enough to stand by my side on the most trying times, and you were right

I thought I had friends, but no one has ever reached to me now that I don't remember them, I thought I found friends online like you used to do, remember?, you even wrote about them on several occasions but, I did not, they all have more important things to do than contend with a stupid, hurt, broken man, they all walked away, I even thought I found love... but its an illusion, an unreachable lie, remember you said I was foolish for giving too much, for caring too much, for worrying too much, that people would take advantage off? this is true even more so now

I even caught this horrible decease that is ravaging the world, and it almost killed me, Sis, I prayed when I first lost consciousness this would be it, that I would finally be able to reach you, that my suffering had come to an end but no, life isn't done with me yet, I remain here, and I don't know why... I really want it to end, but if I end it myself, I won't be able to see you on the great beyond, that's for sure

So here I remain, sis, alone, broken, without true memories, without being able to do what I loved and just existing, oh! I got adopted! can you believe that? I was at the mercy of the state, who let me tell you, doesn't give a SHIT about people they deemed as mentally ill, I was going to go into a mental asylum gone for good, but this nice woman took me in and adopted me... and I broke her heart, due to that love I told you I thought I found?, well, it broke me to the point of suicide, I even build a device that would not fail, I tested it, she begged me not to do it but I ignored her, and it broke her heart, I can see the regret in her eyes, she wishes me away but can't, like those two families we had to suffer when we were little, remember?, the one that had that moron teenager who tried to rape you?, the one I beat to a pulp and got us into the streets? yeah I'm getting the same feeling from her as from the father of that guy, it's awful, to say the least, and it was my own doing, as most times is

I'm going now Sis, I have work to do on this horrible day, I can't wait for the day I'll be able to see you again, I hope it just doesn't take long, I'm tired, very tired, and in a lot of pain, and sad thing is, I have no one to talk to or who would listen, just this little words I write to you...

(Have you ever been so wounded, so sad, so hopeless you cant enjoy things that used to bring you lots of joy?)

Here in the garden, Let's play a game... I'll show you how it's done

Here in the garden, Stand very still...

This'll be so much fun

And then she smiled, That's what I'm after, A smile in her eyes, The sound of her laughter

Happy to listen, Happy to play... Happily watching her drift away...

Happily waiting... All on my own... Under the endless sky

Counting the seconds, Standing alone... As thousands of years go by

Happily wondering, Night after night... Is this how it works?, Am I doing it right?

Happy to listen, Happy to stay, Happily watching her drift away...

You keep on turning pages for people who don't care, People who don't care about you

And still... it takes you ages to see that no one's there...

See that no one's there...
See that no one's there...

Everyone's gone on without you...

Isn't that lovely?, Isn't that cool?
And isn't that cruel?, And aren't I a fool to have...

Happily listen, Happy to stay... Happily watching her drift away...

Steven Universe Movie... If there is a character I ever Identify with, it's spinel, as I feel like her Right This Moment...
But I don't get a happy ending, I don't get to quell my rage, I don't get anyone who gives a damn

Gods I hate holidays...

Contrary to my intentions, I was reached, I couldn't be as cruel as I wanted to be, I couldn't hurt people anymore

I had everything ready, and I just finished pulling it apart, I'm tired and sore, so I'm gonna hit the hay, but needed to update this

I'll still be here tomorrow Adeptus

You achieved the impossible starlight, something only one other person could do

Sphynx, and Pesky, I am moved and surprised by your kind words, Thank you for reaching out

I have not shed tears like this since my sister died, the pain I feel at this moment is comparable to that, it's that deep of a wound, a pain so profound, so extensive, so malignant it seeps all will to live

They say no one can die from a broken heart, but I'll do my best to do it, I don't care if it lands me on a mental institution, I don't care if it fucks everything, I'm just done

I'd ask what did I do, why lie to such an extent, why dig and bring emotions so deep and powerful as love if it was just to crush it

What did I do to you to deserve this? Why? I was good, I was honest, I was truthful, ALWAYS, I proved I was real and honest, I provided all I could, did all that was in my hands in the name of love, to see a smile, for the hope and dreams that were crushed so mercilessly

I won't answer anymore Adeptus or Jack, not to notes, not to discord, not anywhere, I draw my line in the sand, Ill try to deal with the pain until I can end it

No Adeptus, this isn't being hasty or irrational, if one day you're hurt as I am, and wounded so deeply as I have, then you'll understand

Love can turn to hate really, really fast, but not in this case, I seek to end it because this love hurts so damn much... because I cannot hate her, because I can't kill that love as I previously did, when it meant the world to me on the darkest hours of my life, only to see it turn to ash on my hands, it's unbearable

I lost my way of life, I lost my passion, I currently have to be on a job I hate, working 3 times harder, for less than 1/10th of the money I normally made, I lost my love, my dreams, my hope, its... just not worth it

This might be my last entrance, it might not, I will speak with my adoptive caretaker and see if her words provide comfort, if not, I have a very reliable way to crush my own head right now, that should suffice this time, no more hanging attempts, no more cuts, no more poisoning or electrocution, as these all seem to have failed me before according to the psychiatrist just weights, enough height, and that shall be it...

auf wiedersehen

Today was a very down day, as I said in a previous journal I have a new Psychiatrist, the guy is brutal and consistent, much more involved than my previous one, this guy set up a regular schedule for visits on Wednesdays and weekends (it could be Saturday or Sunday, no warning)

I also mentioned I have 8 months to prove I am sane and a functional member of society, I didn't know how this would be achieved when I left the hospital but his recent visits cleared that up

I have a list of things I have to do constantly, keep up to and do

Restricted Internet, as it consumes times and promotes lies and depravity (Internet for work is ok tho)
Read X amount of pages of a book every day
Get into sports and discuss them with people at work (I hate sports)
Do X time of exercise
Smile often, fight depression and if you cannot fight it, fake you don't have it

And so on and so forth, some would say that doesn't sound so bad, but to me, some of the points are just brutal, not interesting, and just plain wrong, but I can't complain

However, the cream on top came in another form, Demerits

He established a demerit system, without any change of earning merits

For all 8 months, I have 80 demerits, on his first visit, he took away 5, today he took one because I was too sad

Then we had, the talk...

He stated that if I lose all my demerits I will be forcefully committed to a mental institution, where treatment and rules would be forced and isolation ensured, for no less than 2 years and up to 5

He said that at the pace I'm going, I won't make it past march, no matter how good I get at acting or how much my caretaker is helping me, this guy is smart, and figures a lot of stuff out

However, he then suggested I commit voluntarily to the Asylum, he then promises 3 years of locked up treatment and assures I will be a functional member of society (as if it was something I want)

Having been demolished the day prior, my depression hit an all-time low, I have no strength left to fight or to struggle, no wish for it either

but I also don't wanna disappear, don't wanna be committed to a hospital without contact with the things I love, like I'm some sort of dangerous criminal, I'm not

I don't know what to do...

A friend offered help through contacts, but I am extremely hesitant about that, as these people can be vindictive, petty, and low, one investigation, one thing they smell I'm doing against them could spell doom for me for all 5 years of my sentence, call me a coward, but that's the last thing I want, I don't want to fight, I don't want to have to fend off morons and vengeful people...

I'm at the crossroads, go to a nut house, never be heard from again, or try to keep fighting a losing battle, with a worse outcome...

What can I do?

I finally got discharged from the hospital, after a truly hellish lonely week, I'm finally back to my regular confinement, at least here I have my TV, pc, and games, which is an improvement over having to do, play and watch everything on the small screen of my cellphone

I am under constant surveillance, even tho Ms. Yola doesn't like the new psychiatrist she has to help him "make me better" in his own words, I can see her opening the door slightly to spy on me and see what I am doing, if I am on the cellphone, if I am doing something the doctor said was aberrant and so on and so forth, it will be a constant battle against them for the next 8 months, my life and freedom on the line

To quote someone I don't know, They say a man never truly knows himself until his freedom is taken away, and right now, I am getting to know who I am, and how little I matter, what plaything of life I've become, just holding my hands up and trying to guard against the punches as best as I can, but its a losing battle, I am wounded, I am bleeding, still holding on my corner, full of anger, hate, and jealousy

Still, after I returned and cleaned my room, (you won't believe the amount of dust that two weeks away can garner) I found stuff I had forgotten about, namely my two external hard drives and my laptop, as well as the passwords to decrypt them, I found I wrote stories, which I don't remember, I will be uploading those here

Also, I will be working on my drawings as it seems is one of the things I am permitted, so expect to see a few more things here from me

If nothing else as a testament I existed and that I fought against life on my own terms, at best it will be a line of improvement, a way to say, this is how I started...

Well, I'm back, I spent three and a half days in a chemically induced coma to avoid most of the pain I was feeling, I don't know what they did to me but my hands are no longer blue, and the tube is no longer in my chest, my lungs seem to have restarted and are currently working, the pain has diminished even if every breath still hurts

I am out of immediate covid danger and will be on recovery for the next 6 to 7 days, still in the hospital, however, the bad news came once the doctors left and someone else came in, my new psychiatrist...

As it must be known to some, my previous psychiatrist diagnosed me as a danger to others and myself for apparently trying to kill myself in several ways, this was one of the things that were wiped with the ECTs I had to go through, and my new psychiatrist narrated in loving detailed everything I did and why I was where I was...

This new guy was pretty brutal with me, seeing no need to hold my hand or ease the insane old man into what was going to happen

First things first, He stated that I have 8 more months as a "mentally unstable" recluse, locked for the safety of others and myself, the review for my mental health will be on the day of my birthday in June next year

Second, he set the guidelines to be able to define me as fit to re-enter society:
No more hairdressing: I live in a place that is ultra-right and extremely religious, men working as hairdressers are seen as deviants and homosexuals, which is really frowned upon, (it doesn't help that most men in such a position actually are), I need to be able to maintain a respectable job for at least this next 8 months (currently working as a Sysadmin and I Really Hate It)
No more shaved head: Since I am not balding or lacking hair, It's not respectable and I need to fit in properly with others
No more suicide attempts or anything related to it, Have no problem with this one
And some other minor things that don't really matter

Then came the heartbreak, the thing that devastated me and has me in a very bad place
He stated concern that I spend too much time on the net (even with the pandemic) and seem to have no human relationships besides the 2 people I talk to in discord

This is true, I have 2 people I consider friends and well, actually interact with, no more than that

I actually fell in love with one and had dreams and wishes for a future

Then he demanded we spoke about these two people, one of them was easy, as our relationship is amicable and really simple

The other one, however, was far more complicated, since it involves deep and intricate feelings, we spoke for hours about this person and what I felt and what the person meant to me

And he broke every single thing I said and used it against me, stating things that seem obvious but are very complicated

He simply said I needed to adjust to my reality, I am a 38 years old "lonely insane" man, and I need to forget everything related to this person, as it is IMPOSSIBLE (and he made emphasis on this constantly) someone like that exists or would be interested in someone like me, especially when I don't even know what the person looks like or sounds (as I said it's complicated) in this day and age it should be quite simple and easy to meet, so if the person was really interested such trivialities would have been out of the way quite easily

I fought this man and his reasoning and critiques and stated that I can do what I want and he has no right to demand such things, and he reminded me, that he could, actually, demand what he deemed necessary for my mental health recovery, he said that illusions and lies are just hurting me, and I need to center myself and seek stuff I can actually reach

Meet people that are real and not, as he put it, just words, and that in case I don't meet his criteria of a healthy grown-up man by next year, I will be committed to a mental institution and practically disappear until they deemed me sane, which isn't easy

Then he left, and I couldn't stop the tears for hours and hours, the only way to communicate is this journals, I am devastated, hurt, in dispair, but alive, as I said last time...

Life isn't Done with Me just Yet...

Despite being locked up all alone in a gilded cage, I got hit by the virus, and it's doing its best to kill me, pain is unbearable at times, it turned my hands and feet almost blue, there is a tube on my throat keeping me alive, lungs don't seem to want to turn back on, I have forgotten what solid food or water is, being fed and hydrated via IV, was in a coma for little over a day, that was fun...

And yet I fight, for a dream, for a promise that will most likely never come, but I fight, for my hate I fight, for my anger I fight, for a person that is gone I fight

Is it worth it?

I don't know, I've been trying to give up, but couldn't, life, it seems, isn't done with me, I figure once I'm old, frail, and completely alone, then it will take its time to end me, but until then here I remain, alone, isolated, in utter despair

Fun times (Yes, I'm allowed to use my phone, I'm alone 85% of the time, there is no tv or anything in my little cell and I'm completely immobile except for my arms due to the tube on my chest)

Ok Life, What did I do to you?, You took my childhood, you took my sister, you took my chance to do what I loved to do, you took my memories, and now you take my love, what little hope I had, and what I dreamed off...

Victim of such a vile and cruel lie...

is it because I hate those people and just seeing their names make my blood boil?, is it because I don't fit? is it because I'm a degenerate because I like Hair and shaving? Is it because I've been labeled insane? Is it because my wounds are too deep?

I never thought I was a bad person, I always tried to help as much as I could, I always tried to be there as no one was there for me, I tried Life I swear!!!

Whatever I did, Life, I'm sorry, please just stop, I can't handle it anymore...

I removed everything from here, I'm done, I lost my drive, my muse, my will... nothing has changed... nothing...