Hey guys! I know I haven't posted in a while here but hey I just wanted to let you know that I turned 20 today! I've been doing a lot of stuff in the past few months. I've been quite busy and I've been focusing on myself but I'm doing well I'm doing welllll!

Over the winter break, I got to go from everywhere from Maine to Chicago and mostly everything in between! I'm still in school right now and it kinda sucks that my birthday is on a school day but oh well what can ya do!

I don't really have too much to say but I felt like updating you guys :3 I dunno, who even still uses FA? I've been barely on it anymore.

But yeah, happy birthday to me I guess :p I hope you all are doing well too :3

Hey there, I haven't said much in a while again. I don't really post too much on here to be honest, I've been somewhat caring less and less about the furry fandom and don't have too much to say for it. I dunno you could follow my Twitter or whatever, that's not the point though.

Anyway, I wanted to give an update of how I've been doing. It's been officially I guess two months now? Right? Yeah, two months since I moved to Long Island, New York. Things have been going well! I posted about last time how I changed rooms and got better roommates and I've been enjoying myself. That's still going on and things are still well :p I do have to say though, one of my roommates is so fucking weird though, he flushes the toilet 10 times while he's -IN- the shower, it's fucking WEIRD. If you have any explanation for that, please let me know. Like what the fuck, he's so OCD. Besides him, my other roommate, who's name is Tyler as well, is perfect.

I also got a fucking job offer! Like woah! I had a meeting with one of my teachers on Monday and it was about a paper I was writing but then we started talking about how I was doing at school. I told her I really didn't want to go back to Maine in the summer, and she just gave me the opportunity to work for her and her brother at a summer sleepaway camp in upstate New York! And obviously because of the fact that it's a sleepaway camp, I wouldn't have to go back to Maine, which is PERFECT! I still need to find out more details but I guess I would be a camp counselor for kids ages like 8-14 I think. It doesn't seem too bad, but hey, I'll be in New York! So this is great!

MFF is still coming up in about month-ish. I'm still excited for that, I can't wait to see more of Chicago :3 Fek, Dayoon, and I are gonna go to Fogo De Chao in Chicago itself on the Thursday right after I get there from the airport. Fogo De Chao is a Brazilian Steakhouse and it's pretty fancy. I checked out the one in NYC a few weeks ago, it looks awesome! I can't wait!

Plus I can't wait to see some friends obviously at MFF who I haven't seen in a while/ever! That convention is pretty okay. I really go for the people. Again, with the whole furry fandom, I'm losing interest, but the people are fun, so hey, whatever.

Uh Furpoc is this weekend, I ain't going to that, I went there for 30 minutes last year on the Sunday... I dunno, let's just pretend I'm there in spirit. It's whatever.

Besides all of that though, everything is pretty good still, I feel well, I look well, yeah :3 My grades are pretty good as well! Midterms went swell :3 I got a 97.5 on one! and a 91 on another :3 And my schedule for next semester is made and looks pretty nice :3 ... I'm not excited for the winter tho uwu I barely have accepted the fact that it's fall to be honest. It was 70 degrees out today for gods sake!

OH AND ALSO! Rock Band 4 is out and Black Ops 3 comes out on the 6th, and I don't have an Xbox One yet... UGH MY LIFE!!! I have to wait for Christmas :V I swear to god... you have no idea how I've been feeling about all of this uwu!!!! I'm horrible.

But yeah so I guess that's all i have to say :3 Thanks for reading if ya did! And also feel free to message me sometime. I feel like I haven't been talking to too many people lately!

So yeah see ya :3 <3

Hey guys! I just wanted to write a little update on how I've been doing in the past month or so!

So since my last update/journal, I've moved to New York FINALLY. I just wanna note that I'm in Long Island and not the City :p I've only been here for a little bit more than a week but I can already say, and I knew I'd say, that I love it. I'm in New York for college and my campus is pretty cool! It's not like I haven't seen it before, but living in it is pretty fun! One of the things that I like about my campus is that it's so small! There are like so many good things about having a small campus, I don't have to walk as much, I don't get lost, and I can be even more lazier than I actually am B). The food has been good! I can have Long Island bagels in the mornings and that makes me SO HAPPY. I've been having a lot of italian food and my variety of food has been increasing. I've been eating more, which is definitely a good thing, hopefully I can gain some weight here :B. Also, one thing that's really cool ARE THE BUNNIES. They're EVERYWHERE on this campus and every single time I walk around I see them hopping around and it's so great! I wanna pet them... but they keep hopping away >:C little shits... Anyway. My classes and schedule are good, my days are easy, my classes are easy, and things are going very well. I haven't made friends yet... but I'm trying to work on that :V

Another cool thing that's going on, I am confirmed going to MFF! I'll be rooming with and and someone else hopefully! I'm super excited and my classes don't interfere with my time off in December :3 Everything is payed for now and things are looking great! I can't wait to see you guys there :B!

I don't have too much planned for the future but I'll be visiting my family like my Aunt and Grandma a lot more while I'm here in New York and I'll definitely be visiting the City a ton more. And I'm totally cool with that!

But in general, I've been good. I feel good, I look good, I'm healthy, and I feel happy. School is treating me well, life is treating me well, and I'm excited for what the future has in store for me.

I just wanted to write something about all this so yeah :b

Thanks for reading guys!

Hey guys, I need to write a new journal about what's been going on in my life lately. It won't be as long as my last journal hopefully.

So as you guys know, my life has been very hectic and painful for the past 7 months. However, I can finally say that I am finally now on a new chapter of my life.

Anthrocon was something significant for me in a way. I'm not saying that the convention was good or bad, I'm saying that it helped me face my fears and helped me move on. I'll leave it with that.

The convention was okay, but honestly I had as much fun in New York the week before the convention. I felt like I didn't really need to register honestly. I only went in the dealers/art room a handful of times and only bought one thing. A button!! A $1 button!! I don't know :b I felt like registering wasn't too necessary and I just really hung out with friends like 24/7. I don't know, like I said, the convention helped me face my fears that I'd been dealing with for the last 7 months but other than that it was just ... okay.

In other good news! I went on a date with someone at the convention and we agreed to a second date :3 So things are looking all good for that! It feels good going on dates. This guy is cool and I'm excited to spend more time with them!

ALSO! My hair is silver now and I am -addicted-! I can't get enough of this cool hair color. I bought more silver dye recently too and I think I'll touch up on it soon. Like, hair has been my addiction for a WHILE now. Especially with this silver. Oh my god I love it.

I've been thinking about MFF. The flight is cheaper now that I'll be living in New York soon and I'll only have to fly from JFK with no connecting flights. It could be fun, I'll make a decision once I find out my finals schedule for school.

Speaking of which, SCHOOL STARTS SOON! The big thing I'm looking forward to! I'm looking forward to living in New York next month! I just... wow. I've been waiting for this moment for so long in my life and it's happening soon! I totally don't wanna write the essay that I have to do soon though :p My schedule looks great, my classes end at like 1 each day and I have so much free time it's gonna be AWESOME. I even have orientation soon and I hope that goes well!

Overall, my life has been looking pretty good like I thought it would after Anthrocon. It was a big turning point that I needed. And for the first time in a LONG time, I can say that I'm starting to feel better and I'm starting to feel... good.

I totally needed to post something positive too, I need to start looking on the bright side of things.

Thank you all for who listen and support me, you guys are amazing and me feel amazing <3

I've been going through a very tough time in my life for a long while now and for those who don't know, it's a very long fucking story. Today I'm going to tell you what I've been involved with for almost a year now.

It starts back at Anthrocon of last year, July 2014. At Anthrocon I had met someone who I found pretty interesting, we hung out a bit and talked and became friends. He was Norwegian, good looking, and had an interesting personality. I remember when I first saw them, I knew there was something about that person that made me very intrigued. We had talked every single day, all day, after Anthrocon and then about two weeks later, we decided to hang out in New York City. I was surprised to say the least. We stayed at an extremely fancy hotel that was about $500 a night, which I didn't pay for at all. He treated me so properly and he seemed to care so much about me. He payed for all of my meals, he showed me around to more places in New York that even I hadn't seen before. What surprised me the most is when he kissed me though. Never in my life, and still to this day has anyone initiated a kiss on -me-. It's always been the other way around. That honestly shocked me. Not only that but originally I was only supposed to stay two days but he convinced me to take off more work time and to stay longer. And honestly, and unfortunately, it was my favorite thing I did all of last year. But whatever. Moving forward.

After that trip, we still talked nonstop. I would talk to him every single moment of the day and enjoyed every second of it. From when I woke up to when I went to sleep, he was on my mind. Even when I would sleep in late or something, he would ask where I'd gone. My heart was starting to feel something for him.

As the months went on we still were talking nonstop and my heart was feeling stronger and stronger for him. I would help him anytime he needed it and he helped me whenever I needed it. We cared about each other. Even when his birthday came up, I went out of my way to spend money that I didn't have on a $175 commission for him. He brought up the idea of Midwest Furfest around late October/early November. I got excited nonetheless. The thought of being able to spend time with him again was making me fluster. I didn't have the money for this trip but I would have done anything to be with him again.

However, things started seeming a bit strange around mid November. The original plan for MFF was just for him and I to room together alone. He invited two others into the room. One of them I had looked up and found out that he was pretty promiscuous, but the other person he wouldn't tell me about. I ended up finding out their Twitter and he kept on trying to hide it. He unfollowed the guy and refused to tell me who he was. I was a little suspicious and was starting to get worried. I told myself nothing bad was going to happen.

MFF came along, and I was so excited to be with him again. It was the best feeling in my entire life to be with him once again after months of waiting. Overall, the convention was fun. I was nervous that he was up to something, but I wasn't too sure. I had a lot of fun. When I had to go home, at the airport, I cried because I was gonna miss him. I felt my true feelings for him at that very moment. I knew I loved him.

After MFF I got sick for about 8 days because I drank too much, didn't sleep enough, was super energetic all the time, and didn't eat too much at the convention. I actually had to go to my college's hospital because I felt sick. I lost 5 pounds in that weekend. Now I didn't weigh much to begin with. I was 115 pounds and I dropped down to 110 in about a week.
But everything seemed to change after a week of me being sick.

I got home after college after taking my finals and on December 18th we had a Skype call and I had told him that I never had to worry about him ever again (because of the worrying from MFF) and that I loved him. I had never felt these feelings for anyone before in my entire life.

The next few things he said shocked me. After me really opening up to me, he opened up to me in a very different way. He told me everything he did at MFF. He had slept with both my roommates, at the same time, while I was outside the door, and that he slept with a bunch of other people at a couple parties. I was just... Shocked. He told me he had to go. I said okay and then started crying.

My felt my heart sink and started crying for many days straight. Later I even found that the roommates I had at MFF took pictures of the things they did together and they put it on their twitters. That just killed me seeing that :/

A week after the 18th, on the 25th, Christmas. I weighed 103 pounds. I had lost 12 pounds in about two weeks. My heart and body was aching.

I tried to tell him that I was upset but he had a friend over from Barcelona. I was suspicious about this guy as well, he was staying over for 3 weeks for around Christmas to mid January. Soon enough I found pictures of them doing things together.

But what really shocked me though was that the guy from Barcelona actually reached out to me. We started talking and apparently things were getting really intense with him. He told me that he was being abused by him sexually and emotionally, the guy made him cry and just felt very uncomfortable there and wanted to go home early. He told me to talk to the guy for him telling the guy to not to speak him, and that he felt upset, uncomfortable and wanted to leave because he wasn't feeling safe. I was shocked.

I told him everything he told me to do but man was I enraged at this point. Not only was I extremely upset but I had never been so angry at someone. First they lied to me and then went on and abused someone else and made them upset too? Fuck.

After the guy from Barcelona left, the guy who I was upset about and I talked about it. We fought and fought and essentially what he told me was that he didn't care about what was going on. We decided not to talk for 3 weeks.

In those weeks I felt still really upset and also angry as hell. I dropped out of school for the semester. I was starting to try drinking and smoking my problems away. I had cut myself. I had attempted suicide. I went to the doctors and I had my blood taken to be treated for anorexia. I picked up anti-depressants. My sex drive was gone. I was crying for 3 weeks straight every single day. My heart was broken.

After 3 weeks we had talked again, we just kept on fighting. But he opened up to me a bit more this last time. He had told me pretty much that he only was interested in me for sex, that he never really cared about me or the guy from Barcelona at all, he didn't care about what I had to say, didn't regret anything, and told me to fuck off. So essentially he was manipulating not just me, but many others for his gains. I blocked him.

Never in my life had I felt that meaningless and worthless. I was being abused by someone. I got a real hint at reality after that. He wasn't a nice guy after all.

Around early February when this all happened, I just felt so meaningless and didn't know what to do with myself. Since I was being abused, I felt like I didn't know how to feel about everything. I knew that I couldn't talk to him and I still was crying and yet furious. It was a confusing ms upsetting month.

I turned to doing more drinking and smoking and harder drugs as the months went on. I was involved with cocaine.

As the months went on. I became less careful. I traveled, drank, did drugs. I did anything to escape my thoughts. The reason was because I was still thinking about what had happened. I still thought about it every single day. My heart was broken, I was still in pain, and I felt so shitty in general.

I've been seeing a therapist, taking my anti-depressants and vitamins, been gaining weight, and have been trying to get better since then. I'm up to 125 pounds now but that's all I can say on what's improved.

Unfortunately, I still think about what happened even six months later every single day. Not only has my heart not healed but I am also still very depressed and suicidal. I've realized that the pain that this guy made me go through was as damaging as my dad did to me as a kid. I was emotionally, verbally, and physically abused by my dad as a kid and will never forget the pain that he had put me through. And I feel like I felt the same things I did as a kid as I do now.

There was never any closure with what happened, and I don't even know if it would have helped but I don't know what would help me in any way. I've learned that I was the better person compared to him and didn't deserve anything that he did to me. I learned that it's not my fault. I learned that I don't deserve a shitty person like that in my life. And I've learned that I'm a good person. And I learned all of that from the real friends that care about me.

But at the same time, I always feel upset. I still cry over what happened. I feel like a weak, stupid person for still being upset over something that was 6 months ago. But I've been worrying. He's going to be at this next Anthrocon and I don't know how I'm going to react when I see him again.

I've been worried about him hurting some of my friends at the convention. I've learned what a shitty person he is. To name a few things: He likes to get people drunk and then abuse them and sexually exploit them to his advantage. He only talks to either cute boys or artists to either get sex from the cute boys or to get art from the artists (or sex from the artists to get more art). He won't talk to you unless you're one of those. His ego is extremely self centered and and bloated. He even got a commission of him as a god, like bitch really? He thinks he's royalty just because he has like 4000 followers on FA. But out of all of this, I don't want to see him hurt any of my friends with his appetite for destruction.

So I've been worried that I am going to relapse all of these emotions again at the convention and not have a good time. I have never hated someone in my life as much as I do now for him.

The question is, why do I care still? And I cannot give you a good reason for that. He put me through a lot of firsts in my life. I had never been abused and manipulated by someone. I had never fallen in love with someone before, I have never truly hated someone before. I have never been so upset in my life where I thought that cocaine was a good idea. I just wanna smack him. Maybe then I would feel better.

That's where I am in my life. I'm sorry I had to tell you all of this. But I've had enough of being upset. I'm sorry if this is a mess. Please feel free to talk to me if you have questions. And you all know who it is, just look at my submissions, you'll find him. Yeah, him, he's unfortunately the thing that's killing me.

So I haven't posted a journal in a while as I was just thinking about updating you guys what has gone on in my life for the past 2-3 months or so.

I've been trying to be positive and trying to focus on improving myself these past few months. I've been doing a lot of traveling and spending time with sweet people.

In March I went to ANE and met a bunch of people and made a bunch of friends and spent that entire month just visiting people and hanging out with them. Some of these people have been very good to me and have made me feel like I mean something or make me feel like I'm special. And I've been most certainly needing that. I've been having a tough time with feeling important or wanted and have been having a tough time feeling like I matter or that I'm worth anything. Thankfully I've made some good friends who care about me and have made me feel good about myself.

I started work again in April and socialized a lot more with my co-workers. I've been working this job for 4 years now and I've never socialized once until just the year. I've been feeling motivated to work and motivated to socialize and it feels really good.

This month I went on a 16 day trip to New York, New Jersey, Philadelphia, and Maryland and I spent time with great friends and made even more great friends. We did a lot of silly stuff and made a lot of good memories.

I've just been trying to make myself happy after what had happened to me back in December. To be honest, there's not been one day where I haven't thought about it. I've been coming to terms with the fact that I'll probably never forget what that person did to me and I'll never forget any of it. I was scarred in so many ways to the point where I didn't feel like I wanted to continue with my life. I'm still jaded by it, but I'm still working through my emotions.

I'm just taking each day at a time still. I'm focusing on myself. I'm trying to smile again. And right now in my life, after all this time, I'm starting to really feel good again.

And on two small notes: 1: I'm still a bit worried for Anthrocon however and 2: I'm also addicted with my hair color :V

Thank you guys for being there for me <3 I love you all <3

So recently my life has taken an upward spiral to a point where I feel, for once, happy. I've been doing a lot of traveling lately, making friends, and buying lots of cool things! I'm going to list all the positive things that have happened recently!

1: As of today, I got accepted into the college I wanted in New York and I will be attending there in the fall semester (August 31st) and honestly I cried of happiness earlier. I can finally get out of Maine and live in a place that's going to make me happy. I didn't really have doubt that I wouldn't get in, but it reminded me that I worked hard to get into it and it reminded me that I could do it all by myself. Plus another positive was that they accepted 15/16 of my credits I took in my previous college which is absolutely FANTASTIC! The only thing they didn't accept was my first-year seminar credit, and oh man did I hate that class :b but whatever, they took all the credits that mattered and I feel like I didn't absolutely waste my time in my previous college! I'm honestly excited to go to school there and just ... wow :D

2: Like I said, I've been doing a lot of traveling lately. I was in New York 3 weekends ago and I stayed from Friday the 13th to the 20th and I hung out with a ton of friends and celebrated my 19th birthday :D I bought a lot of things too, like 3 scarves, 2 bandanas, 2 albums, lots of pizza, a cable for my drums, and a H&M shirt! I might have spent a bit much but that's okay, it was my birthday anyway, I was allowed to spend a lot right?? :3 I also got a good haircut and hung out with my family a lot. It was fun! And then THAT weekend I headed up to Maryland to hang out with even more friends and that was fun :3 It was all a good getaway from Maine and it boosted my mood a lot!

3: From that trip also, I gained a lot of weight! If you didn't know, I had a major weight loss in December from 115 to 103 in two weeks and I've been trying to gain the weight back. And on that trip I gained about 5 pounds! Plus I've been gaining weight before the trip as well, so now I'm up to the most I've ever weighed in my entire life which is 120 pounds, and I look healthier. I may still be really thin and I'm still trying to gain more weight but I'm proud to say that I'm gaining weight and becoming healthier and eating more.

4: I actually also went to ANE2015 this past weekend from Saturday to Sunday out of the blue. I decided around Thursday that I'd go and just out of the blue did it. I had a BLAST for one day, I made a SHIT ton of friends and had loads of fun! I was extremely hyper and bouncy and talkative and all over the place. I even became so silly that I told everyone about "accoutrements" and now I started a revolution of them :V Jesus Christ I went wild. If you witnessed me there, you'd know how crazy I got XD If you wanna know more, just ask me! But yeah that was a ton of fun and I'm VERY glad I showed up there... I'm not glad though that I had to stay up all night because I didn't have a room :UU

5: I don't know if you know, but I'm blonde now. That's a cool thing :D

6: I have 3 commissions coming up! I got them all at ANE! Again, like I mentioned earlier, I -may- have spent too much but it was fun and worth it :D

There's other small things that have been going on that's positive but those were the major points and things I wanted to share with you guys. Thank you for being awesome and thank you for listening! And I'm glad that things are finally turning around for once.

~Tyler

I'm officially 19 now!

Now y'all can stop calling me a baby now :v

It's my birthday in 2 days :B

Yep!! My birthday is on the 18th :3 I'm gonna be in New York for the third time this year for a week on Friday and then next Friday I'll be in Maryland for the weekend c:

There will be a lot of drinking and smoking :)

And I get to spend Valentine's Day with a friend this year! So that'll be fun c:

Feel free to get me birthday presents ;D

There has been a lot going on in my life in the past 3+ weeks. I've been crying every single day, I've been physically, emotionally, and mentally hurt, I've been making a lot of life changes and I'll start from the beginning to how this all happened.

In my last journal, I mentioned that I fell in love with someone. I had never felt these kinds of feelings for anyone in my entire life before, I thought things were working out, I thought that he was going to make me happy for a very long time. He made me feel special like no one else did in my entire life, he helped me for many months getting through my troubles with school, friendships, and many other emotional issues. I had never had someone like him in my life before and for once in my life I could honestly say I was truly happy with where I was going in life. Then MFF happened, I thought that the time we spent together was very genuine and perfect but I found out after that he had been lying to me about a lot of different things and that he fooled around with tons of other people. Once I found that out, I was devastated. I was heartbroken. This was was around 3 weeks ago and the journal that I wrote about it you can read here -> http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6358856/

Soon after this happened, I couldn't stop crying. Each day went by and I couldn't find any sort of happiness. I lost motivation on everything. But it started to get physical. After MFF I knew I had lost 5 pounds because of my habits of drinking every night, having 5 hour sleep schedule, and eating about 1 thing a day, and becoming sick for more than a week after. After MFF the sight and smell of food disgusted me and I just barely was eating and I felt physically weak. I was eating about 1 thing of applesauce per day. So I lost 5 pounds then. But once I became heartbroken I lost weight on an even more dramatic scale. I lost 7 pounds instantly. I didn't want to eat, I didn't have any motivation to eat, I didn't want to move, I kept crying all day instead. I ended up going to the hospital to see if I was in serious state. I went from 115 pounds to 103 within 2 weeks, I lost fucking 12 pounds in 2 weeks, that's not normal. At the hospital, they took my blood and pee to see if I had anything, and they were testing me for anorexia and depression and a couple other things like anemia.

I was put on anti-depressants. I've never been on medication in my entire life. I didn't know I could be this upset. You know, on Christmas, I just looked at my body. I could see my hips clearly, I could see my stomach indented, I've always seen my rib cage but it was even more apparent and visible now, and I just cried. I cried on Christmas. I thought the holidays were supposed to be a time of happiness, it turns out that it wasn't always the case.

Each day I also found out more things that the person that I was in love with was doing. I saw pictures of what he did at MFF on twitter, and you know, I was right outside the door when some of the things were happening. He did things with both my roommates at the same time and took pictures of it. That hurt to see. Then I found out that he was fooling around with another person currently and had also hurt him the same way he hurt me. He gave false hopes and just used us for sex and selfish desires. That just made me even more upset and even a bit angry.

Soon I was going to Boston and New York to enjoy the vacation and the New Years and I thought I could escape all of these feelings. I was wrong. I went to a fur party on the 27th in Boston and just wasn't enjoying it, I was drinking and with friends but I just -wasn't- having a good time, I still was heartbroken. I went to New York the next day. And if you know me, New York is my favorite place to be in this world, and I'm -always- happy to be in it. Honestly, I didn't feel happy at all. I stayed with my Aunt for a few days, saw friends, went into the city a lot, went to a New Years party, drank more, bought nice things, but honestly I just couldn't stop crying and I couldn't feel happy. I couldn't even help it in public. I cried in Penn Station, I cried on the subway to Jersey, I cried in the hotel that him and I stayed in ... In the place that makes me the happiest in all of the world and being with people who cared about me so much, and even on the fucking holidays, it was hard for me to be happy still.

Now I do want to mention another part of why I have been upset. It involves my school situation. If you haven't known, I have -not- enjoyed my college up in Orono, Maine for many many reasons. I never wanted to go there in the first place, I stood out, I was being made fun of, I had no friends there ever, there was no where to escape to, and I just didn't feel comfortable there. I have been struggling there since day 1 because of the isolation, the discomfort, and the un-appeal. The only way I made it through a semester was because of the guy who I was in love with, he helped me through it. I had made attempts to make friends there, I really fucking put myself out there, I tried to enjoy it though but I just could -not-. So what has been upsetting me is that I feel like that going there another semester is just potentially pointless for a few reasons, which I need to explain now. I am wanting to transfer to a school in New York or maybe even New Jersey and there's a high chance that my credits won't transfer to that school, I've done the research on the schools and it just honestly looks like I'm wasting my time at this school. So why do I want to waste $10,000 on another semester where I won't get much out of it and especially won't enjoy it? So I've been stressing about this and talking to my parents and Aunt and whomever else about the subject. But this has been on my mind as well and it has been bothering me and making me upset and worried.

And one more thing, my dad does not seem to be in the picture here. My dad and I's relationship is very distant. He is barely in my life, I see him maybe once a month. I barely hear from him, and he's an ass to my mom and myself. He never is willing to support us and is never willing to talk to us because he's too busy with his "other" family. He didn't know about anything of what I was going through or even the fact that I've been drinking since May. It just hurts me also that I barely have a father figure in my life.

But I should be making conclusions here. I still have been crying every single day for the past over 3 weeks. I have lost a lot of motivation in a lot of things. I haven't been able to sleep properly. On a NSFW note, I haven't even touched myself or done anything in all this time. And on another note I ended up cutting myself too. I've been having many suicidal thoughts all over again. I'm really at one of the, if not the most, lowest points of my life.

However, I'll say this, I have made some decisions and there are some conclusions. I am not going back to school next semester and instead I'm going to see a psychiatrist/therapist and a nutritionist to focus on my emotional/mental well being and physical well being (for my weight). I'm going to try and pick up a job and earn money while I'm back at my mom's place. I'm going to try to eat more. And I am going to apply for the fall semester for the New York and New Jersey schools.

Also, the test results from the doctors came and they said I don't have anorexia but I'm close to it. I'm just severely underweight.

But one last thing. I'm taking every day a step at a time, but it's just hard still. I still feel like I don't know where I'm going to end up, I don't know what I should be focusing on because there's a lot -to- focus on. I'm still upset in the process of all of this. And I still feel like i need support from friends and everything. I just want to be stronger but it's still hard.

So that's where I'm at right now.

Thank you for listening and supporting me.
~Tyler

I never had felt this way about a person before, I honestly fell in love with this person. They made me feel like I was so important in life. There's not a day where I wouldn't talk to this person, I enjoyed everything they had to say and I always looked forward to talking to them, each fucking day. This person was funny, smart, cute, and definitely attractive as well. But their personality was something I really enjoyed. They're very caring and always willing to listen to my problems and everything, they were never bothered by me. They enjoyed my company always, and that's something I've never experienced before. Never have I had people care -this- much about me. Like I said, he made me feel special. I went out of my way to see him two times, just to spend time with him because lives halfway across the world. I knew this guy was something special from the first time I saw him. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to date him. My feelings for him are still very strong, I love him.

It turns out though, that he fooled around with a lot of people at MFF. And you know, I knew this was gonna happen though :/ what makes me upset is that despite how he treats me, I was never his number one. Sure I was cared about, but never was I number 1. And the fact that he told me what he did at MFF, really fucking hurts. It feels fucking shitty falling in love with someone and spending many months chasing them and getting fucking rejected. He fucking kicked me in the fucking face. And you know what, I fucking deserved it. But that doesn't excuse any reason for me to -not- be heartbroken. Because that's exactly how I'm feeling right now. Heartbroken. And now... I honestly don't know what to do. I literally have NEVER had these feelings for ANYONE. And now I have to throw them all away so I just feel fucking lifeless and empty because this person was everything to me. Everything. And then I get punched in the fucking face. He broke my fucking heart and threw it on the ground.

Oh and one last thing to point out, I let him know that if he were to fool around with people at MFF, I told him it would upset me, and he still went on and did it with manyyyy people, and that just fucking hurt. That wasn't cool of him.

Yoooooo what's up guyssss?

Who am I gonna see :3 ?

Are you gay?

Yes

Have you talked to any bank people recently?

Yes, I have

SEE YOU GUYS AT MFF

I'm looking to room with someone at MFF this year.

I plan to be there Thursday to Monday morning.

I am okay with sleeping on the floor if I have to, I am not picky.

I do not plan on being in the room for most of the time, I will only be there for when I have to sleep.

I'm a cool person so hit me up and help spread the word around for me.


My Skype is: Tylera2014

My phone number is 207-838-9899

Give me a call or a message and tell me what's up

Well then you should talk to me !

Also if you have albums you wanna share that'd be AWESOME :3 I can provide too as well :p

I need to be friends with more original metalheads

WHAT'S UP??!!

Who's going?

Who could let me room with them?

Can I get a ride from Hartford to Cromwell?

Tell me what's up guys and let me know

Love Tyler <3

I know it sounds weird but I'm trying to find a place to stay in Boston this weekend. I'm trying to look at a couple schools and I need as much time as possible to be able to look at them. Is there any chance there's any of you are willing to help me out look at schools/let me stay over/are willing to hang out with me this weekend so I can do that?

Please let me know! Plus I'm having a rough time here in Maine and I really need to leave this place for a bit. And I could really use a hug because I need one BADLY :/

Comment or note me and stuff

Thanks guys <3

So as of recently I've been very stressed, worried, anxious, and upset because of the fact that I'm going through A LOT. I've already had 2 breakdowns before college where I cried in front of a friend on Skype and then another where I cried in front of my mom. And I've already had two breakdowns in college where I cried by myself and then cried in front of another friend on Skype. So I'm going to explain what's been up piece by piece.

One main reason why I've been upset is because I've just gone to college as of around 3 weeks ago. Now if you read my journal a month or so back you would understand why I don't feel happy here. To give a summery of what happened, around a month ago I had a few breakdowns because of my decision to come here. I tried to change my situation but none of my solutions could work, mostly because of the fact that I just didn't have enough time to do so. I've been despising coming here for a lot of reasons. To be brief, I'm in the middle of nowhere, I'm EVEN farther away from my good friends, WHO LIVE AT LEAST 7+ HOURS AWAY FROM ME ANYWAY, there's absolutely NOTHING to do here unless you like outdoors-y things (which I don't, I'm very much a city person), and on top of that, and the most important reason, I don't feel RIGHT here and I don't feel like I BELONG here. Like I said, I am VERY much a city person and I love being around many places and mass amounts of people, it's just who I am as a person. Up here, you can BARELY explore the area (which I've already seen because there's so little of it), it's harder to LEAVE the state because it's now FARTHER away, which also makes it even more expensive to do things, and up here I just don't feel good about myself because I know I could be somewhere better and could be enjoying my life MUCH more than I am now.

Now the reason why I ended up here in the first place is because of the fact that when I was looking at schools last year, I was at the lowest point in my life and I didn't have ANY sort of motivation, effort, or care for what I was doing with my life. I didn't even want to live at the time so I didn't care about my future. Also, I had never really discovered myself as I did this year and over the summer. I learned that I love traveling, I love going places and seeing new things, I love city life, and most importantly I HATE MY STATE.

I learned that I love being in places like New York. That's why I went 4 times there this summer. Even though I already had known the fact even as a kid (because I was born there and moved up to Maine and missed it ever since) but also I just REALLY LEARNED that I missed it this summer.

So basically, ONE reason why I'm upset is because I now know what I want to do and where I want to go and I hate the fact that I'm stuck here because I had made this decision a year ago when I was deeply depressed. My plan is to however, go to a college in Boston next year and transfer the HELL OUT OF HERE because I'm already losing my mind.

But that's not it, that's just one reason. I have a few more. One point to be brought up is from what I said earlier. I'm lonely. I'm very very lonely. Even if I lived back at home I still get lonely. I barely have any friends in this state, barely any. ALL OF MY GOOD FRIENDS LIVE MANY MANY STATES AWAY. SOME EVEN LIVE IN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES AND CONTINENTS! And now i'm EVEN FARTHER away from these people because I moved 2 hours up into the middle of NOWHERE (which I explained earlier). My friends mean the WORLD to me and they're the ones who keep me happy. I try to talk to them on Skype everyday as much as I can and there's the fact that I meet so many people through the internet that just live hours and hours away. I can never hang out with any of these people because of the distance I have between them. I've always had issues with distance and no physical contact with people, it tortures me horribly. And I get awfully upset because of the fact that I can never see them.

This leads me to bring up even another point, I NEED physical contact to live. I literally cannot function properly as a human when I don't talk to anyone to talk to. I've dealt with loneliness for a HUGE part of my life and I hate how it's happening now. As a kid, I grew up with essentially no friends and no one to tell my feelings to. And I was upset most of my childhood years...

I need to bring this up at some point because it ties in to all of this. Growing up, my father was very verbally and physically abusive. I was always afraid of him and always kept things to myself whenever I had to say something. I became quiet and accepted getting hurt from him. These traits carried on to myself for when it came to school and other things. I would always hide and bottle my emotions and feelings, never say anything, and I never could be happy. So I never knew how to make friends, which lead me to have no friends, and no one to talk to. I had been the quiet person who everyone thought was weird but deep inside I was just extremely upset about my life.

It really wasn't until this year until I became ACTUALLY able to express my emotions and feelings to people without having to be afraid. I learned how to finally do this and it made me more confident as a person to be able to do so.

So how this ties in. All of this ties in, and another reason why I'm upset is because I can't sit down and PHYSICALLY talk to my good friends about this. I know I can Skype and TRUST ME I'VE ALREADY DONE IT. But my point being is that... I need physical support... I need a hug :/ That's all I want. A hug. I want someone to be here for me to say that everything is going to be okay and to not worry and then give me a nice big hug. And I can't even get that.

ALSO SOME MORE. What I don't enjoy already here, is that I'm being bullied. This point is a bit minor but should be brought up. My roommate tends to never be here in the dorm and tends to socialize A LOT. I just found out the other day that he was in a frat and does a lot of partying. So he know a lot of people and has a TON of friends, the exact opposite of me. Here's the thing, he talks about me a LOT, and even told me so that he did, and all of his immature friends have been writing rude comments on our white board outside on our door (which is my roommates). Saying things like "Tyler, anal?? Yes or no?" and stuff like writing "I love you Tyler" and then having them cross out my name and write my roommates name instead. NOTHING TOO MAJOR. But I'm bothered because I was picked on and bullied from 6th to 12th grade and I purposefully tried to make college a NEW START, but no. Some of these people are just bothering me is all :/

AND ON TOP OF ALL OF THIS, I've been going through something that I can't really get too much into detail - (Ask me personally and I can tell you about it) but it's been upsetting me :/

So IN CONCLUSION, I don't feel happy about what I'm doing with my life now. I'm bothered by a lot of things, I miss a LOT of people, and I just want a hug :/

I've been trying to make friends, I really have been. But I haven't had any success. Because of the fact that I've been so upset and worried and stressed, I've been more introverted than extroverted because I don't want to show my sad emotions to people (I grew up like this, it's how I work). Like I said, I have made attempts to make friends, but so far no :/

There's just so much on my mind and I don't have anything to keep me happy really so I'm just getting upset :c

There's much more that I want to say, but these are the key points.

Thank you for listening though ~ Tyler

Okay so I talked about these issues a LOT last night with someone and I feel like I need to ask you guys some questions.

I either don't know how to bottom or can't enjoy it. Now don't get me wrong, I've gotten around a bit with guys and I enjoy giving or receiving oral sex, but when it comes to anal sex, I never can enjoy it. There's the fact that I have only had sex around 4 times but all the times I've done it, it has always hurt and I always ask myself why I did it in the end. I can't stand the pain to it, it's a very uncomfortable experience and I don't comprehend how others enjoy it? When it's happening, I try to not think of the pain but I can't help myself. I don't even find the idea of someone penetrating me that great, not if it's going to hurt.

Here's another thing. I don't really ever have any fantasies either or I don't get aroused by a lot (on the internet at least). I mean don't get me wrong, if I'm with someone in person I can easily get aroused but when it comes to the internet, I RARELY see something I like. I sometimes feel like masturbating is a chore, and that's not what it's supposed to be about. I feel like my sex drive is a LOT below average.

Also, I never KNOW HOW TO ACT SEXY! I can never be serious when it comes to sex. I always feel like I kill the mood because I act too silly. I'll giggle and act nervously and do other things I normally won't do. I also hum and pretend like I'm all innocent and I don't understand why. I am also always horrible at doing what someone says what they want me to do. I can't ever "put on a show" or anything like that because I'm just too damn nervous to.

I WANT to become more serious about these issues and I WANT to change them but I have no idea how to get comfortable with someone. I've can never change my goofy attitude in bed but I wish I could. I wish I could enjoy anal sex, I wish I could learn the correct role of being "submissive"

I've had plenty of experience, but I still find myself lost to what I'm even doing when it comes to doing anything sexual and I'm bothered by this.

I really need advice from some of you guys, especially from bottoms. HOW DO YOU DO IT??? WHY DO YOU LIKE IT??? WHAT MAKES BOTTOMING GOOD??? HOW DO YOU NOT GET NERVOUS AND NOT SHAKE UNCONTROLLABLY?!?! HOW DO YOU TAKE A DICK !!??

I'm sorry for the TMI, but I feel like I should bring this up and I really could use the advice.

I'm probably going to need to room with someone and I DEFINITELY wanna go this year.

Are you guys going? Do you know people who are going? And do you know people I could potentially room with?

I need to know what's going on because this convention is coming up quick!

Let me know what's up guys <3

Thanks <3

THANK YOU JESUS

This is my 4th time doing it this summer. I get out a lot c:

I had made the decision to go to a school in Maine around October or so. When I had made that decision, my life was at one of the lowest points it's ever been. I was very depressed, upset, and felt so effortless with a lot of things. I never wanted to explore anywhere else out of Maine because of my lack of motivation. I chose my school because of the fact that it was easy to chose and didn't involve a lot of thinking.

Since then, I've drastically became a different person. I've discovered that I am more adventurous, motivated, and I've become more aware of who I am and what I enjoy in life.

I've learned that I do not like Maine whatsoever, I hate living here. I've learned that I don't feel right here and that I am not as happy or optimistic as I could be, when I am here. I've learned that when I'm in places like New York, New Jersey, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, wherever, I actually feel good about myself and I feel like I fit in more. It's hard to explain this fact, but I feel content anywhere but Maine.

It's not that I don't want to do college in general, I have learned that I do want to get an education and learn. It's just that I'd rather go to a different school elsewhere to do so where I can be happy.

Also a couple of things to note is that I'm taking up an "explorations" program in the school because when I decided my major, I didn't know what I wanted to pick, so I went with taking general education classes. I've come to realize that I now want to major in something dealing with music.

I feel like going to this college is really going to damage me because I know it's not the right place for me. So here are my options.

- I could go to this school and be upset and just take my general education classes
- I can easily defer my college get my money back which could lead to ->
-(A) I could wait a year and work a full time job and save up more money and give myself more time to think about what to do and where to go
-(B) I could go to community college instead

My options are easy to obtain. I just have to decide QUICKLY

Here's a contradiction though, even though I've discovered more about myself over time and I know my options, I find myself so confused of what I want to do. I've cried twice this week because of this. And who knows what a year from now is going to look like? I just don't even know.

Basically, in conclusion, I hate Maine. I would rather not live here. I am definitely interested in college and I'm not trying waste my life doing nothing. I know my options, but I'm so confused of what to do.

I need to make my decision by tonight with what I'm doing. I plan to talk to my mom later about it.

Please, I'd like to know what your guys opinions are on this. Comment what you think.

Thank you for listening
~Tyler

https://twitter.com/Tylerrzzz

;)

Thursday - got to the double tree at like 7 after a 13 hour drive and are pizza with everyone (Devin , James , Jake , and Nick ). After we wondered into the convention center and didn't do much. We met Jaren and Bobby ( )for the first time because we ran into them and Bobby remembered me over Devin.. :p

Friday - got my bunny tail, got a commission from and bought some cute buttons. We wandered and me and James played some rock band. We saw a bit of the dance competition. Also in the day me and Devin kept on speaking in southern accents and kept on talking about Paula Deen and we kept doing that through the fireworks. Praise Jesus. Then we got back to the hotel and played some small truth or dare and Devin and I put our wieners on the hotel windows.

Saturday - we watched the fursuit parade and really didn't do too much for the middle of the day. That night however was weird. I met up with and we hung out for a bit and then I saw Jake (he was in drag). We were talking about party plans when all of a sudden a homeless man comes up to ask for change. He asked for more than spare change with Jake... After he asked for change, he grabbed Jake's hand and kissed it and then he leaned in to kiss him on the lips and Jake was like ... No ... I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING MORE AWKWARD! But anyway.. Jake and I went to a party after and I talked to Brian there from a bit because he was at the fursuit parade earlier with Bobby and Jaren. I got drunk off of Nick's blue raspberry vodka mixed with orange juice. After that I walked back to the convention center because I wanted to check out the rave and I saw and I said hi. I got back to the outside of the hotel and met Brian and we hung out. I talked to spazzyhusky a bit more and took selfies with her and her boyfriend. I also wanted to hug a lot of people so I went around hugging fursuiters. One guy I hugged told me I was tiny then started to like squeeze me and I was like yeahhhh! Anyway that was a great night and I was a loopy butt and Brian walked me back to the hotel :p

Sunday - I hung out with Brian for most of the day and then we met up with and and we met up with Devin and James and even made friends with and I gave him my ice cream. We went to Devin (valkura's) room and we drank there. Not too much happened there but what happened after was my favorite part of anthrocon! We met up with Jaren and Bobby and we played truth or dare in their room with me, them, Brian, jeger, and both devins :p and so the first thing we did was that we all drew on my butt. Yep. That happened. https://twitter.com/aaarcticorange/.....31007876136961 - we did other stupid shit like Bobby snorting sour patch kids sugar, Devin calling my mom at 3am where I tell her "they drew on my butt mom!" And stuff like Jarren speaking in an Indian accent, him putting ice down my pants. Jeger drinking half a corona even though he hates beer, and other fun stuff! It was so fucking great and I will always remember that night for a long ass time

Overall. I loved this convention. It was my first furry one. They had rock band WITH CUSTOMS AND the convention had furries ... Those fuckin furries! I loved meeting all of you and hugging you guys and I really can't wait to do it again next year!

My Anthrocon Video - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-eoybPGFos