My Uncle is being fired from his job... his job that he's been working years in.

The reason for this is due to him missing so many days staying at this house helping Grandpa for the past year...

What this means for me, for him, for the house.. I'm unsure of it all and that is what scares me. I myself still cannot get a damn job due to the same thing happening to me. I have to help him change Grandpa too ergo I eventually will get fired too. I still cannot leave him to chance or help him alone. Both are handicapped people. My Uncle is becoming I'm physical pain the more we do this shit. If I left him alone, it wouldn't make it better, for anyone. So, naturally again... I'm at a loss.

How am I supposed to feel positive about things when shit like this happens? How am I supposed to feel hopeful of my life when everything gradually is coming down.. slowly?

Now I'm possibly gonna expect these 2 to scold me and do the whole "oh gee if only someone else around here made money for themselves. Hm.. if only someone else had a job. You know, if you had a job yourself, you-" yeah yeah that shit I'm not in the mood to deal with this.

Safe to say... I don't know what will happen... and I am naturally scared. More than just my own life. This house. Our way of life...

Let me explain. First off, wow.. first journal in weeks. The "last" (serious) one I made was about how I wanted to move on from the pain I was going through (still going through) and trying to be more positive about things from now on. This VR stuff has no effect or relation to my irl problem so I'm here to reassure you. As much as I can, anyway, as this living condition and situation is still trash. You want to know how long this has been going on for? 14 months now. Quickly approaching 15. Grandpa fell down days ago trying to "walk" in the Kitchen for something. He's lucky he's not making this worse for us I swear to hell and back... look I'm still trying my best to be happy for everyone, not remain in misery or a hole about it like I was, but.. it is still very hard to ignore how bs this is for me.

Now as for the main point of the journal, and why I'm making this. If you aren't aware by now in the first week of August my Grandpa bought me a new PC. A Victus worth $700 on BestBuy, which was literally the cheapest option they had.. the reason why he did was because I wanted to get into VRChat.

Prior to him buying the PC, and why he did it to begin with, was because I was bored one day near the end of July. This boredom resulted in me downloading VRC on my phone which happens to be free and try it. For the first week.. it sucked. Not to say the mobile port is bad.. well ok it's bad. Certain avatars of friends wouldn't load for me, they would look very polygonal, my battery drains and heats up insanely quick, I have to hold a button to talk, which nearly mutes the other people nearby, AND I not only crashed one day trying to meet with a streamer, but the crash was so bad it logged me out of my account... so safe to say that the mobile port IS NOT worth it. Literally wait until you have the means of buying a PC of your own or like my Grandpa having it gifted.

Anyway onto the main point. In the 2-3 months I have been playing it on my new Victus PC, learning more things, I have come to terms with 1 specific scenario I'm seeing for myself; I'm not having as much fun with it as I thought.

When I started getting into VRC now I was so eager and excited for myself! To meet streamers, play with friends finally, see these worlds I always saw on YT, the avatars I can finally be, etc. As time went on however, that eagerness started diminishing for me. Now, when I get on, whether it's for myself or others, and regardless of who it is, all I do is just end up sitting in my chair for hours staring st my screen. I might as well just have these conversations on Discord for all I know. If I want to get in with a friend that I am not aware is in with a group of people I don't know I go "oh... I just wanted to see you but ok." And am reluctant to send an invite. If I see a certain friend in a world I don't know I go "I.. don't know if I want to join. I want to learn this game in my own time, but.. OH NO I can't because I'll be alone" and am reluctant to send an invite.

I have tried once in September wanting to meet with a Twitch Streamer named RitualNeo, who I follow and who is also on here, on FA. The one meeting I was in.. sucked. I think I made a journal on this already. If not, let me explain. I joined with the intention to talk to him and gush over his color palette, say what my favorite avatar was he uses, etc. A general chat. What resulted was overstumulation of a crowd of people, too many people, talking to one another or Neo, Neo's attention being elsewhere, playing games that just randomly throw me in that I do not know how to play, by the time I find an opportunity to talk I die and respawn (yes this has happened), which otherwise disregards my attempt to begin with, world hopping too much. All of this resulted in me just sitting in a corner, staring at my screen, staring at the group from a distance. The whole time. He did a photoshoot with us, but I didn't want to be there so badly, I just wanted to back into a room and not even be part of the photo. Even 2 people of my own friend Sephoix were there at the time. People who, at the time, I didn't know, but Sephoix told me them ahead of time. I didn't even work up the courage enough to see even them and just went "oh Sephoix' friends... cool" thinking I would just bother them if I approached. Ever since then I have left Neo's server and VR group, because based on my first meet-up experience I don't want to go through this again. To ensure I don't feel the urge to, I left both.

Now in terms of my friends. I still have always had the mindset of "I want them to reach out to me so that way I know they want to see me one day. I like knowing I mean well to them enough they want me to be there." This has not happened once. Now I get it would even be tedious to have to message me so often for this, especially when you guys have other people to do it with, but I'm just speaking my mind here. So.. I just end up waiting in suspense for days and if I feel no one will get online or wants to say so, I just give up. People I have yet to meet once and don't message me to plan a day that's right for us both, some of them already be in groups at the moment and/or deny me coming in for different reasons, having game worlds I want to play and see, but not beinf in any groups myself or havinf enough friends for them, etc. This has resulted in me feeling as if the VRC experience is not as engaging as I thought it would be. I know.. I shouldn't be feeling this way and it's my fault I am. I'm probably taking this personally, but it isn't against anyone. It's just a trend I've been seeing for myself and am just speaking what I think to and about myself in text, publicly.

Now I will still play VR, I want to, it's the whole reason I have my PC now, but.. not as much as I want, honestly. Apologies to bring down the mood over things, but I would feel worse if I kept it to myself. And I haven't said this to any single friend about it, because I would just end up making them feel bad, which will make me feel bad I made this to begin with and- ugh it's a whole can of worms. But, no, this has no effect on my irl living condition still. I'm still trying to do my best elsewhere. If I have anything else to add I will when I think of it.

Edit: yes, I did make a journal detailing the events and my experience of the meet-up that day. Apologize for repetition. I don't check my prior journal topics. I just say what I want and how I feel in that moment as something new.

No it's not about my current living situation still or in regards to my attitude, mindset, etc. I'm not regressing and don't want to don't worry. No, this is about something that happened today for me earlier in my afternoon that I feel ruined my evening and the rest of my day.

I tried joining a VRChat meet-up with a streamer.

Ever since near the end of July, approaching the first week of August, when I downloaded VRC on my phone, that first Sunday of the week I tried joining in on RitualNeo (who streams on Twitch) who does a community meet-up every first Sunday of the month. It did not go well, mainly because of the mobile limitations. Constant lag, people being very low poly for me, battery depletion, and my app crashing halfway in to seeing him, so much it logged me out. So that Sunday I quit seeing him, only due to how bad it is to use on mobile.

Now having my new gaming PC, I have been anticipating having a second chance to meet with Neo. Actually having a functional device and all. So, for the past month I was eager to meet him, see him, talk to him. For an entire month just waiting for last Sunday to come and staying in his server just waiting for an announcement (he streamed today and not last Sunday because he was sick).

Fast forward to today that I actually was able to do that very thing. It was not fun...

I woke up, waited literally the first half of my afternoon to see him, made an announcement for when he was live, and I joined. What I wanted to be me being happy and excited to talk about things (his Fursuit, games I don't know how to play, his color palette, etc) became 2 hours of me staring at my screen, on a balcony or railing of one world, staring at the group below me. Not engaging in any conversation, speaking up, talking to anyone, and remaining silent for 95% of the whole damn thing. Then once Neo was done and took a photoshoot of everyone (yes even me) I left. Because I could not stand myself just staring at my screen again. I did not like being there so bad I didn't want to include myself in the photoshoot... Now if I ever want to do this again with him... I have to wait another month for... >->; I feel I wasted my day, it was a waste of time, and I was in suspense the whole past month for it. Daily. And now I ask myself "really?... all that waiting? For this?" When I did nothing, said nothing, just stayed in the corner of the room staring down at others having fun. Like I see many people talking with groups of others. How the hell am I, as an outsider, supposed to go in and say "hello everyone how are you-" if it means interrupting others and ruining their dynamic?? So I never engaged in that.

Why didn't I engage? Many reasons.
1. Feeling like I will take control of the conversation I am in due to my eagerness to meet him.
2. Not interrupting a conversation already happening.
3. Feeling less important than others in the room, who are used to this and have done it for longer.
4. Feeling stupid by asking how a game works in a certain world.
5. The thought of getting ready to talk to him only for the game world to kill me and make me respawn to make me go "cool... I died. That conversation didn't get anywhere" and then for Neo to move on.
6. Feeling outcasted... like one of the people Neo spoke to was new, like me, as well, but compared to this newcomer.. no one approached me. Only 1 person said something to/about me and it was only about my model (I was a Protogen).
7. Acting like a Child "hello? Please talk to me. Oh I love your model. Wait what's going on? Who are you?" I didn't do any of that.
All of this resulting in my just remaining silent.

Even my own pal  Sephoix friends named Argaron and Orion were in there. I told Sephoix this after I left and he asked if I spoke to them. I said a blatant "no" because of me being in the worlds, recognizing them through him, and going "oh wow, Sephoix' friends are here too? That's cool" and just moving on because of either them being too focused on someone else, the world, reading something, not wanting to talk to me, or some other reason so I never talked to them.

Now, Neo does have a Patreon and states he also does meet-ups every Wednesday for his members, and I have an account, but... how tf does patreon even work? I learned it was a thing like PayPal where you.. donate money to people? And for what? Why? Idk, but if that's the case I do not wanna have to pay for certain subscriptions or whatever on a site I'll never visit, only to become a specific member or whatever, just to see him again...

My main point of the journal? I do not want to join, and will not join, anymore worlds with streamers or even see myself in public spaces regardless. If this is how it's going to be for VR, I am not risking it only for me to feel this way again. I'm done... I waited a whole month for this, it happened, and I did nothing with my time. It... sucked. I hated it. And no I'm not putting any blame on Neo or others for making me feel this way. It's me expecting how I want something to go.. I was too afraid and I hate myself for that... I am never this socially awkward. It happened before with another streamer. I'm not doing this again.

Is this relatable at all? I sure hope so...

So.. don't ask. I just had this random urge to make one of these now. More specifically with the recent art I got of me being fat as Zenaga (which as time goes on may be in my top 5 >w> it's that good already~) I want to know what question people could have for him. Er- me? I still get confused whether between 1st or 3rd person p.o.v..

To everyone. Dearly. I know it's only been a day since my last journal, but that's why I'm here.

I've changed... you all have seen it. Multiple times a week, multiple times a month, way too often do I change my mind about things. Constantly. I feel good one minute and then the next I am either contemplating my life, questioning friendships, having an all-too-real fear for the future, having mental breakdowns, continuous exhaustion and depression, status changes on Discord, and whatever else among the hundreds of other shifting feelings I have had the past year. You've all seen it. I've pushed some friends away, made some probably feel like they aren't needed by me at a certain moment, or the like.

Many friends have expressed confusion and maybe frustration towards me and I don't blame them. Some feeling way too helpless because of not knowing what to say, or some experiencing trauma dumping and venting by me way too often to the point it makes them numb, or even some that want to keep their own distance because they know how I'll approach next time. (That last thing could be fake and/or an overexaggeration).

Truth is I still love you all. I think it's safe to say that now after the amount of years I've known you all and what we've done together. I don't want anything to change. And I certainly don't want anyone to leave me. No one had, but it is a possibility due to how I am as of late and who I became. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to feel everyone I know has to give their time for me on a daily, just so I can be somewhat better..

I'm just trying to understand what the hell I want to do anymore. I talk about death. I shouldn't. I'm just catastrophizing way too much. All of the stuff I said before? My online status? These journals? Please don't ever believe. It has always been my overly negative mind pouring in cataclysmic events that convince me will happen. Which are not true. But I also cannot stop any of you for changing how you want to truly feel about what's said. I can't change the way anyone feels about me, but I can do better with you and be a better person.

I just wish to not hurt anyone and make them feel worse about themselves, like they can't help me, just because I can't help myself.. please don't do that to yourself because of my high negativity I Project onto you... please. For the past year I have just been a very broken person at heart and don't want others to continuously feeling worse for or about me, only to hurt themselves in the process.

This is why I am making a change. I will do what I can to remain happy. If not for others, then for myself. As for my Uncle. If he acts like this again, I will either stand up and defend myself or listen to him and does what he says without question just to get on with it. As for my boredom and exhaustion. I humbly ask for people to play with me on VRC since I play it now and if it's a bad time, I will do some exercises for myself. I will talk my Grandpa about Probate one day (which has constantly remained on my mind). I will try to get myself on USAA one day and get health insurance for myself like my Mother wanted. I will make these changes in the future for myself, hoping to be a better person.

I have to feel like I am committing to something. And I have to force myself into that commitment to keep it going for myself. All too often does my neurodivergency take effect and I go against something right away. Whether good or bad, for me or others. Believe me, I WANT to do more with people again. What I had before? Was healthy. Plan certain days for gaming, plan certain days for calls, and even have fun small RP banter. I loved that. And I miss it... I just hate I feel so bad about everything to move on from it which.. is not the solution I should have at all. I don't know what solution there is, but keeping my distance from friends? Pushing you away? Never pestering about a day to play a game or call? That's not who I am or was and I am sorry that's who I became. I didn't want this. And I am confident now saying this in a journal after having it confirmed to me that most of my friends do read my journals. Just don't say anything. Ya'll are a bunch sneaky lurkers!! I'll get ya on Discord I swear >w>..

I am sorry to all that had to see this change on me... for months since last year. I am sorry to all that had to see me feel different about myself and my friendships. I am sorry for ever feeling the need to push you away... I just want to be happy. I love you all.

Thank you for reading. I hope I make you feel better about this journal now compared to yesterday's.

If you wish to talk about this in PM's on Discord please message me there. I can happily reason things out individually. You can be honest. If I'm hurt, then don't feel bad. Because it'll be my choice to feel hurt fron what's said.

I'm making this journal now because I'm pissed off. And I don't want to do anything else. Reason behind this? I will explain in a bit. I wanted to make a journal tomorrow since... tomorrow officially 1 whole year, 365 days, the crash happened.. and I've been stuck and in pain since.

Onto why I'm pissed. Let me lay it down for you. Grandpa says yesterday PT (Physcial Therapy) arrives at 4 today, so I made sure to remember that. I go about my day like usual and sleep. Wake up on the borderline until 1 (which is not what I wanted..) so I had only a few hours before my Uncle came home and promptly was going to change him.. like usual.

At 2:30 or close, my Uncle decides to start vacuuming which.. annoys me because are we not trying to get his ass ready or not?? Whatever he "finishes" vacuuming and gets to work cleaning Grandpa's foot and replace the wrapping (as he had surgery on it weeks prior) so I stand there ready to be needed. What's the response I get? "You can start vacuuming instead of just fucking standing there" (of course passive aggressively).

There were 3 responses I could have had to that. 1. "You and Grandpa said last year I was fine with being a standby" 2. "Do I piss you off?" 3. "How was I to know you weren't fucking done with it?". Not knowing what to say at that moment I chose to say the middle one. His response to that? "If you're gonna be pissy then go away." Which ALSO results in more problems! Firstly, I have the right to be pissed! It's human nature ya fuck! Secondly, it was neither a yes or no question. Lastly, he's being an ungrateful bastard despite what I have been doing for them both!

My conclusion? I wanna kill myself, AGAIN!! If this is how he truly feels, then what is the point anymore?! Maybe if I was gone he would be better off! Or maybe if I was no longer around he wouldn't feel the need to feel this way! He is not someone that wants to talk to anyone either and meet common ground - at all... - so my conclusion is I want to remain silent and just put a gun to my head. Because of this bullshit still, and again.. I'm convinced NO ONE cares about me.

How the hell am I to know that talking with my friends, playing a game, getting art of us together, going on Discord calls, roleplaying.. helps? How am I to know that if I wasn't around anymore.. others would be better off too? Like how am I to know some friends I play games with would have MORE FUN without me there? I don't.. because I tend to leave before everyone else's time is up. And I think to myself that they talk about me, good or bad, behind my back. I'm seriously questioning myself as a person due to his ass again. And now I'm going to go about the rest of my day pissed and feeling like useless garbage. That no matter what I do, it's never enough. For anyone. Thanks... fucker.

Do I mean anything? To anyone? Would people who knew me even miss me if I was gone? How much of an impact would I even have on them?

The past year for me has sucked. Many, many, maaaaany times and I've just been feeling worse. And worse. Making new friends, only for other ones to see me differently and have more priorities, losing interest in what I love and want to do, no job, no license, constantly contemplating my future and how I'm not looking forward to it, gotten an increasing amount of depression, and Uncle that could give 2 shit about me, my Grandpa who is having to always play the victim, having to ask my friends more for stuff... and more. Ever since that damn accident.

This is not the type of journal I wanted to make, but here I am. Venting to people that may not even care. Which is why I'm disabling comments. Until next time.

Okay so considering for the past week I have been feeling depressed, again (what's new?), especially about my future this time, it's fair I wrote down a list of all the things I want and/or need to pay for in the future. This is mostly for myself, but for those that wish to know what all has been stressing me out.

!. My investment; my Fursuit (this will most likely be the most expensive thing I'll end up saving up and paying for at an early stage in my life. This ranges from over thousands of dollars or over $10k. I have had many friends go back and forth with info regarding inflation, makers, etc)
2. Bills when I end up living on my own (electricity, gas, plumbing)
3. Insurance (both health and car)
4. Gas for the vehicle
5. Buying my own vehicle I want
6. Artwork (ranging from different artists on here with quality and pricing)
7. New VRC headset (fullbody trackers, Quest 2, all. Yes I play VRC now)
8. New games I want for my Xbox
9. Subscriptions (Fortnite Crew, Netflix, Xbox Game Pass, etc)
10. Groceries (obviously to keep me alive)
11. Health bills (dentist visits and operations, doctors, whatever)
12. Any future medication I'll be under
13. Buying my own house
14. Tools and resources (yard work; mower, weedwhacker, etc)
15. Continuous wifi
16. Buying VRC bases from Gumroad and finding someone to help model them after my characters and forms
17. Commissioning someone to help do that for me (I heard is a stretch with money)

Lastly yes.. I play VR now. I have had the game the past week on my new, and first ever, gaming PC. If you wish to meet me on there for once please note me here so I know who you are. If you're a friend then obviously just message me on Discord.

I'm tired of dumping my problems on people.. I plan calls with friends, if way too often, I reach out to talk, only to feel unsure of what I want to say and go like "well.. that's it" and leave for weeks only to come back again with the same thing. I make these journals, I change my statuses, people say they read them, yet.. I'm left feeling unread if a response is not given. Why would they? I'm a difficult person even Arthraax has trouble predicting what I want to do. "Zenith we still care about you" when I know, fully well, they think and know I can change things about my demeanor or whatever to be more welcoming. What if people never reach out to me on their own terms because I'm problematic when it comes to my neurodivergent mindset and constantly going back and forth on things? I wouldn't blame them.

A conversation with a group of friends yesterday got me more depressed about my future of all the things I want and need to pay for, which will put a huge damper on my relationships along with the realization that I'm going to hate being an adult for the rest of my life. Having to pay for car insurance, gas, health insurance, invest in my Fursuit, buy the car I want, pay off future bills, maybe medication, constantly get groceries just to keep me living, artwork I have always wanted of me and my friends, subscriptions for services I want like Netflix and Game Pass to continue doing what I want for myself or others, Dentist visits, like- fuck me... this conversation yesterday is making me feel worse about my life and makes me contemplate if having friends are.. nothing? Compared to everything else. I need support yes, but not if it means slowly drifting away from everyone I know JUST to make new friends. I'm getting a new PC, an actual gaming PC, too in the mail today. My Grandpa spent $700 on it and I was like "I appreciate you doing this" his response? "You fucking better" which was followed by a chuckle so.. was he serious or not?! Was it a joke?! I don't know, because that's how he is; convincingly misleading. That made me feel worse, again, because it's not what he expected to happen and with the whole "oh gee if only you had your own job you could buy it yourself" do not tell me I'm thinking too much about this. He's done it before. He could again. So.. yay. New PC, but it's just another damn reflection on me not having my own fucking job.

2 weeks from now is following a year that the crash has happened and in all honesty... I've been slowly declining in my mental state. Yeah yeah I've already said this before. I repeat myself..

I just... want to sleep, but I can't. I have chores to do, people to talk to, helping around the house. I do not have time for myself anymore. Not even enough to reflect on my life and sit, staring at my wall, for 30 minutes without remembering something else that needs done or I'm pulled away.

I.. I want to be done... I'm becoming exhausted making these journals even. I'm not going to post this in my server either. I don't care.

You're probably tired of seeing these journals too huh?

Vore day...

Honestly I never questioned what is has to do with August 8th? My only correlation is thinking because it's exactly the word "ate" twice, but is.. that it? Is there more I'm missing here?

I have VRChat now. On my phone..

There was a time I begged to have and play it, years ago, but that joy and eagerness; my yearning for it, was fleeting and I haven't cared since. You guys would probably know about my Fursuit goals I've had during that time which is still true and I still feel that way.

I decided with my *constant fucking boredom and depression*, only increasing, I have been desperate to find ways of helping my mind. Knowing about the VR port to mobile devices, I thought about it the past 2 days. And knowing my Samsung has 213 gigabytes left of storage space... 277 MB on tip of 600 more is, you know, nothing. That's only 1 gig' out of my entire phone so, I went with it and downloaded it an hour ago.

I made my account and will have my friends help me what I can do, what capabilities I have, and, hopefully, see them. For once. In VR. With their avatars. That's the most exciting part.

I will not be joining public lobbies or people I don't know. I did this with Game Pass on Forza Horizon 4 and 5... wasn't fun. Car shows and meets are fun, but not when random people older than you accuse you of being a "child" when I am fucking 23 years old. Or not understanding rules when I *clearly* just joined in on them. Or getting in a vehicle as a "joke" and getting kicked for it. Not doing that again, no public spaces for me. Unless one of my friends introduce them to others that I willingly let myself get into as my own choice.

So... yeah. I apparently have VR now, on my phone. Dunno what I can do, dunno what I can say *shrugs* for now I'll want to reach out to friends about this and tell them.

No, I'm still not doing any better.
Moving on.

Having to wait for my friends to get back with me on the new forms being made, I thought about the reason why I wanted them to begin with.

Beyond being a person who enjoys variety, for all things, the forms I got and will get were actually inspired by people I've been following on here. I wanted to wait until I got all 8 done, but that could take months. And knowing me.. I would forget to make this. Plus, some of you may have been curious where these inspirations came from. If other users inspired them for me? Yes, they did. And here are the names of the people.

P.s. this is also a shoutout to them. Me listing them here is also a form of "idolizing" their character if you will.



1. Nargacuga Zenith; Zenargacuga (Narganith? Zenacuga?..).
This really isn't based on anyone. As you know, the Nargacuga is from a game series. I'm not going through the research to find out who was the lead monster designer for the creature or.. whatever, so let's just say I wanted one because they look like a giant Cat. Yeah, that seems fair.

2. Protogen Zenith; Protozen.
Although I've seen many people use Protogens as their main, mostly in VR.. ok always in VR, I could never distinctly remember a specific person who I know of well enough, but I suppose it comes down to https://www.twitch.tv/sudo?sr=a for Twitch and  Axion. for this site, FA. As yoy can tell for 1 thing; color. Both of them look absolutely badass and that red LED makes them both pop. Plus, for Sudo's model (since he plays VR) his thighs and tail are thick. As for Axion's stuff here, I've seen their character and page. A lot of cute and goofy images that I wanted of myself. Zenith as a Dragon, but the demeanor could be different with a Dragon. So I wanted something.. digital and beep boop. So, Protogen.

3. Naga Zenith; Zenaga.
Simply put  SsalvassSnake inspired this for me here from FA. They not only have the most Naga art I have seen on a single page, but a fat and (very) bloated Naga at that, blueberry (juice filled), some badass and cool poses on their page, and.. that purple my God. I have *loved* Ssalvass ever since I followed him. Even more so that he comms artists that I myself want to commission. He's a given at that point and completely is the reason I got my Naga. I love his stuff. Fetish, art, tastes in artists, color palette, cool and badass scenes, etc.

4. Mamagen Zenith; Mamazen.
This goes out to  Airking character Winters. They didn't always have and use a Mamagen, at least when I followed, but the more I saw of them get more Mamagen art, the more I wanted one. I always loved how fluffy, cute, and motherly they look and act, even in VR. I should know, my friend  Sephoix even has his own form of one for VR. But Airking's Grey and black tufts just- there's something in its simplicity that made it stand out to me. Some of their art too, cheeky grins, pregnancy, bellies, many taurs. I wanted one. Helps too about the plethora of videos and shorts I see of them on YouTube too of different shapes and sizes, with or without armor, doing skits, etc.

5. Avali Zenith; Avalith.
From here on out these are forms I don't have, but do want and will get somehow. This is 100% going to https://www.twitch.tv/ritualneo?sr=a on Twitch. Beyond that *outstandingly gorgeous* color palette, he's literally the only person I know of who uses an Avali as a main. I'd say character, but he's always a VR player so.. Avatar? Fursona? That's my reasoning. Mainly due to that damn color palette. Bro was able to make purple.. magenta.. turquoise.. AND Grey work well together like- how? That's 3 different color choices! My God does it pop. So I want one.

6. Azalea Zenith; Zenitha.
Once again, like Neo, I barely know anyone who use this as their main, but compared to the Avali, which I see a ton of art with, little no search results (even on Google) lead me to a specific person or proper art depicting one. Except for one individual https://x.com/Vinci194 I still follow them on Twitch, they used to stream and they used to always be a Hobkin... years ago. I don't know when they changed, but they are now an Azalea Dragon 24/7. Not that I'm complaining, but they didn't start out that way. I should know, I used to be in their streams years ago when they were a Hobkin. Main reason they're here is because I have no one else that I know of who is an Azalea at all times.. which does limit people I know, but least I have *somebody* to share to others. Yes, it'll be another female and yes, I wanted a female Dragon counterpart to Zenith.

7. Deathclaw Zenith; Zenaclaw (I'm still brainstorming a nickname).
Once again much like the Nargacuga, this is from a game series and not a specific individual. So...

8. Finally it will be between a Hobkin/Wicker Beast/Tigerbee. Not only is this up in the air for the time being of which one I want as my final form, but during that time I need to find someone who helped inspire the choice I went with. As of now, I don't know anyone who uses that as a main. If K do, I'll go back to this journal and share their link. Now a user by the names of  TheCliche does have a character called Nil, who is a Wicker Beast, but I can't shout them out yet because it's unsure if that will be my last between the other 2. If it is, then yes.. it's TheCliche who inspired it.

Anyway, that's it. Hope you learned something about me.

Taken right from Conquest.

Yes, I am. For the past 2 weeks, and I don't know why I can't explain it, I have felt miserable. Just neutral. But.. you guys already know that, don't you. Yeah everyone gets tired if hearing about it. I know. As I've told many already, and will so again, all I see myself doing anymore every day is just wanting to stare at my wall or TV and shut off my brain. Maybe sleep, maybe eat, maybe talk to people.

I don't roleplay as often anymore. I talk as often anymore. I don't game with people often anymore. I just feel left out. Those who do cone to see me, ask how I am (which I'm grateful), I tell then, then minutes later they go offline or I'm left unread. Telling me "...ok then" but by the time *I* reach out to people I immediately go braindead and lose interest as I go "why am I here?" And leave myself. So yeah I'm still hypocritical. Because I'm losing motivation to keep going.. to keep waking up, knowing it's the same shit daily. To keep spending my time somehow. To keep talking even...

I feel I'm alone because I've noticed a trend lately with my friends. Where they have too much time put into work, or School, or any, or VR, or talking to other people, who I still feel are closer to them than me so.. good for them to have a nice bond. I've been deleting a ton of messages for weeks now too and the reason behind is either not expecting my friends to see it, second guessing myself and thinking what I said or sent is pointless, not to spam my friends notifications, or thinking it won't make me feel better.

I question whether people want me around. The more my mental state declines the more I feel I'm becoming what I feel my family sees me as; a nuisance. Even to my friends. I question.. do they want to see me? If so what will it be about? And why? I'm not good enough. How can people still stand me? A 23 year old, younger than them, who is highly and heavily neurodivergent, every day, about many things. So.. not wanting to know I just keep my distance.

I keep asking for money.. I still don't want art.. I'm reluctant to game with people and say anything.. I can barely have enough motivation to say anything to anyone.. Idk what the hell's going on. *sigh* I am quickly approaching a fucking year of me being stuck in this life... yes, already. August 22nd, last year, is when this all started.

I've only felt worse, nothing is getting better. It's whatever. I just accepted how things are and remain in depression. What's the point in changing any outcome if I know it won't yield any results? I'd just look like an idiot, looking forward to the future, to my days, only for it to get shut down immediately because of some other shit that happens to or around me... and I just go "I knew I should have kept my expectations low" as Kratos said "keep expectations low and you will never be disappointed" or something I don't know. That's how I feel. Daily.

I'm 23... I should know what to do, but I don't. I want to go to the Dentist, a Drivers License still, Job, Mother's probate, eventually still go in our storage unit to clear out our stuff, health insurance for myself... all of this shit has to happen still where I'm barely holding on mentally and want to give up already on it all. I mean my own family makes me feel like shit so is my life truly meaningful to anyone I know if I were to be gone? I feel like the lightning rod of this family, and it sucks... on top of my Grandpa's ass still having CONSTANT APPOINTMENTS like- fucking end already!

Stranger Things 5 releases in 4 months from now.. do you have ANY idea how much this hurts me? I have not been able to binge what I could on Netflix anymore because my Mother used to pay for thr Subscription. With her gone, I lost access to it. And these 2 don't want to bother paying for anything else yet for me. But... Stranger Things was the only show me and her binged together. S1 to S4. Do you have any idea how much it hurts? To know she isn't here with me to finish it off? And know that if I watch it, it'll be alone?.. it sucks. Me and her used to have fun together watching it. I'd tell her answers to questions, she would get startled, I would tell her things.. now I can't do that. No longer... the bigger picture being I won't be able to stuff for myself anymore like I used to...

Some if not most people could say "Zenith you're hurting yourself. You're beating yourself up" to that I say "sure. But it's still nothing compared to what the world has done to me already" I even get jealous still of my own friends. Whether it be from art, VR, a Fursuit, or anything else. Jealous of art because I don't have a damn job still. I have some friends who are able to comm art like on a daily and almost constantly post like- HOW?? It's so- ugh whatever...

That's.. all, I guess. Until I think of something else to add to this journal later on. Uh.. until next time.

Yeah. I'll come out and say it. I hate it. Beyond having ANY sort of pet (specifically 2 Dogs) who constantly bark and do nothing but press up against your leg insesently shaking for hours, every year, it just sounds like a damn war zone. Who wants to hear what is practically legal bombs constantly going off for hours from surrounding neighborhoods? It sucks...

Ignoring the fact that I haven't had a good day. Like learning my Grandpa needs a metal plate put in his foot to fix it because it's "not healing properly", losing motivation for everything (getting art, talking with friends, gaming, even living), never having a Job to make money for myself (it's so fun...)...

I am having a GREAT life still. Yeah.. a great life...

If anyone the past day has used FA's URL on mobile, like me writing this journal now, then you no doubt saw this scam website that would automatically take you to a random website.

Many friends have reported and experienced the same thing, and upon many user writing trouble tickets, the FA staff disabled access from that website (least for the time being). We'll, just now.. it returned. I went onto a different tab and came back to my FA saying "scanning your device" and I went "oh for God sake" so... yeah. This scam website is back.

No doubt the staff will have to do something again. I had to re-download an ad blocker (as I use Samsung Internet) just to prevent this shit again. I have NEVER seen a scam site this intrusive before.

Please, write more trouble tickets, use adblockers, and DO NOT let the website scan your doevice or let it do anything to your device. If it automatically takes you to the site.. just- please exit right away or close the tab or do something. Like what I do, I just keep backing up into my last page or whatever (the arrow at the bottom of my phone screen, not the tabs). Just do what you can. This is one of, if not the most annoying ad scams I have ever experienced on my phone.

Please spread the word so more people can make tickets to report this. I know I'm not the only one.

I am having to resort to deleting some images I have on my page. The reason for this is I spoke to someone who became a new friend of mine the past few days. I sent them an image that they paid for in the original and-

Look... some images on my page will have to be gone. Unfortunately that means more than one, because I have multiple ones I had friends Trace over. This means images, many images, that many people love, will have to be gone. Otherwise if this keeps up, I will most likely get banned.

I'm sorry, but I have to.

I won't even be able to link which ones will be gone, because you won't be able to see them.

Update: *sigh* ...it's done... I feel so bad about doing this, but it was just brought up to me as a problem. I honestly thought no one would notice or care because I'm not popular enough; widespread. But, the friends I make, they could easily catch on to them and say something. This sucks... so many good pieces I had to take down and delete because of them all being traced from *something* art people enjoyed seeing. Gone now, because they had to be. Years of being up...

I don't think I want anymore artwork until I get a job, and I'm serious about this. I can't risk relying on an art I have pre-saved as a reference point to show what I want, ONLY for it to be traced. Again. All I'll be focusing on are my references and that's it...

Ignoring my last journal I want to vent again... (even if some people are tired of it).

For days I have been increasingly depressed. So much to the point that 2 days in a row, I felt so shit.. I almost made myself fall asleep just to forget everything. My mental state is declining and I doubt I'll ever bounce back.

It has been... TEN MONTHS of this shit... TEN MONTHS. And upon talking about something to my Grandpa about doing something again he made mention that he's, by his words, "probably gonna be at this for a longer time" ok...

HOW. MUCH. FUCKING. LONGER???!!! Guess what? I don't know. I don't know... BECAUSE NO ONE TELLS US. I am losing my mind that I do not have a damn job! A license! I have cavities to be filled! Wisdom teeth removed! Invisalign put in! Probate with my Mother! Sorting out her mail still! (Which yes, we still get). Cleaning out our storage unit! Investing in my goal that all of you know.. my Fursuit! I cannot do ANY of this still and I am losing hope that I will get NOWHERE!! I even think about my friends still during games or calls (VRchat, having a streaming life, better friends, closer relations). It makes me feel worse about myself. I look at one specific chatroom now and I go "yeah they tell me they care equally for everyone, but I have my doubts" which leads to "Zenith you're a good friend" *goes to someone else, someone I feel better than me* "oh hey good to see you! What do you want to do today?"

Grandpa I feel has just become preconditioned to this shit; a bed-ridden baby (I say). And I'm preconditions to be needed. Every damn day. I can not get a break from being needed. Whether if it's to feed the animals, do the dishes, feed him, help my Uncle, do the dishes, make fucking food (as my Uncle does not cook...). I myself have jusy become preconditioned to be needed anymore. I'm used to it. Used to feeling like I don't have time for myself anymore. Time to plans thing that *I* want to do. I can't even sleep without in the back of my mind saying "your Uncle is gonna see you and tell you to get up off your ass for being 'lazy'" yeah.. that's him.

You want my honest opinion? With my depression, reflecting on my life, feeling like I'm still liability to my shitty Uncle, Dogs yapping on a daily fucking basis. I think about death. I think, every day now, about ****ing myself. I wish I wasn't serious, but it is truly something I ponder now.

"Zenith you know that's not what your Mother would want" tell me this then. Does she also want to see me dealing with this? Never having any answers? Dealing with this all on my own? NO. And who the hell knows what she wanted for me anymore. I don't know because she's gone... and all I'm stuck with is mourning her all while my Family wants me to move on. Bullshit.

I *want* to do something to myself. I don't care who misses me or not. I *want* my Uncle and Grandpa to mourne. Feel bad that neither of them treated me with the respect I needed. The respect you guys give.

I'm reaching a breaking point.

Idk I'm extremely bored, again, still. Have been for days along with very depressed. I'm just trying to pass the time anyway I can anymore it seems. I'm doing this as well to see if I can get any art made in the future at all. This time it's for Zenaga. I wanna try and gor for some of my new forms.

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/59873664/

My border of my comment block now is gold? Why is it gold? Why?! I don't have an FA+ and I did nothing to change my comments on posts. Whaaaaaa-? Eeh? 0-o

Yeah very small and random things but it's easily noticeable now to me

Or is just a new visual thing Idk?

Does anyone know any good artists that can make a fursuit reference? Not just a normal reference, no, a *fursuit* one. You know, digitigrade legs, thick thighs, paws, kinda accurate to my real life height. That stuff.

Reason why I make this out of nowhere is because I have always wanted a Fursuit. For 3 years now. The longer I go not having a job, the more I feel this outcome won't happen for me. I WANT it to. I want a fursuit still and I know it's ambitious. The longer I go stuck in this situation I'm in, the more I feel like putting this ambition of mine on the back-burner. I don't want to do that.

So.. I want to take steps of helping myself. My friend told me that in order to first get a fursuit is to have a reference ready. And NOT like the one I have. It has to be what a real life version of Zenith will look like. So please, help me.

If I do end up getting my new updated reference sheet at some point, which I have still had on my mind and want to do, do you guys want me to keep the silver gradient that is my horns, claws,, spines, and tail-spade?

When I made Zenith I wanted to go for a "metal"-ish look when it came to the horns and- you know, more defensive body parts? Bones. Used to attack whatever all that is. I liked the idea of them being made of metal, but ever since I learned about Pearl River (which is a kind of white that actually resembles bone material) I have been conflicted about these 2.

I feel the silver let's me stand out and looks badass, but it isn't always.. consistent when it comes to artwork. The gradients being lighter or darker, my horn shape and size, which has an effect on design, lack of the silver and just white. I also want to go for the Pearl River when my new ref' gets made, but at the same time.. just plain "white" is just that, plain. Does the silver make me stand out? Does it work? Do you guys want me to change it? I'm unsure.

Read only mode sucks.

I uploaded what I wanted, but undoubtedly I know a ton of my friends want to upload stuff. It annoys me that they can't, that I can't see their stuff, but to also stay in suspense on a daily basis when they can. It's annoying -_-;

Wow. Right as I uploaded my piece, I think a night prior, before getting more traction, the site went down. I think we all know this.

SO. because of it being back now how's about you go ahead and look at my new art piece yeah? :3
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/60735030/

This journal is nothing. It's just to help people see what I uploaded before this.. went down. Because that was very poor timing and an inconvenience that I doubt many saw it.

For... I don't know how many damn weeks I have always felt exhausted. Not physically, I can get stuff done, but.. mentally. I *can* get stuff done, but I keep acting like I don't *want to* or that I'm *procrastinating* on any of it. To be fair, there's nothing else I can do anyway besides... um WAITING. THIS. OUT.

I have been in some vc's with some people, offered myself willing to talk, come up with plans on wanting to game, if I can, but.. there's just something keeping me away from that. And I don't know what. Or... why.

The calls I have been in with people I feel have failed. I find success in knowing I talk to the person, sure, but the failure I feel is me. I can't seem to hold a conversation anymore, I lose my train of thought WAY to frequently when talking, easilt forget why I bring things up to begin with, question what they want to hear, most of the statements I say I stop half way through and think to myself "does this really matter?" Or "agh forget it, they don't want to hear anymore of this" so.. I just stop and go dead silent.. and I end up sitting still just staring at my screen, I then just end up feeling more exhausted and say to myself "wait why am I doing this?" I won't say I'm losing it; I'm not going insane, but I feel it's something... different. Something I cannot explain in words. People have heard it in my tone. I am constantly sounding depressed, lost, confused.. stupid, I just. I don't know what I'm feeling anymore.

I see my chats now and I just go "yeah I'll talk to them later" then a day goes by. Then 2 days go by. Then 3. Then 4... so on, and so on. Until I end up craving something for someone that makes me want to go to them. Idk. I've just noticed I've been acting and feeling not myself anymore, to put it. You all have seen it to. I don't know what to feel. I'm just... here. Happy when I can be, sad when I want, mad if something happens. *shrugs*

I can finally appear as Zenith Vincent on the site now? Without a subscription? For something simple as a name change? After having my account since 2019? Even if I wanted to stay as the cringe, non-creative, placeholder name that is UltraDrago?

Hell yeah man!

I know I said I was staying UD for a while.. but that was me under the assumption the option wouldn't be made for people that aren't FA+ members. Now seeing the hype with the journals (as I don't notice the announcements below the banner), I knew, I just knew.. I can finally be seen as Zenith and not.. UltraDrago anymore. Now newcomers will know my characters name! HAH

Before I go to bed, I want to make it clear that I spoke to an old friend after 3 months. This friend is the same exact one who made my reference, my current reference to begin with, it's what is featured. However, upon talking to him, I mentioned me wanting a newer one for months now. How many months is the question, but long, ok? He said his commissions and prices are still the same and I can come to him whenever I want. However, here's the issue.

The reason why I never *did* get a new one, or bothered on *telling* him I did, is because my fatass is still unemployed. All of you by now should know why I don't pay for things. If not, then it's because I want to make sure I get my money back. Even if it's $10. I'm investing it still or want to at the very least.

I'm on the fence about getting a new one anyway because I want my color palette to stay the same, his personality to stay the same, and name to stay the same... do I really want to pay $60 or more? Just for something to be added to my current one, only for it to be a new reference sheet from him? I don't know. And this is why I make this journal public. Because if I'm not sure about it, I want you guys, my friends, to help decide for me. I'm asking for money from others case they feel I should get a new one and yes, it's what I want. I *do* want a new reference. Updated style, more on it, etc. I am just unsure because most if not all things I want to stay the same on it.

If you guys feel like giving me money for it, that will help. If so, I shall share their prices and details to understand what the maximum is and what it adds.