It was time I got the nerve to write this, as I had promised it in my last journal. I, am done. This you can see clearly from all my galleries. Why did I do the most hated thing that some retiring artist do? Well there's many reasons for this decision, but the most important is: regret.

I've had this growing inside for months but last month was the one that made me make that push. I found no enjoyment in drawing NSFW. In fact I got to the point where I feel self hate for even having partaken in this activity, as this "Umbry" persona, for so many years. Once I took a step back I really, really come to dislike what I drew.

This is not a callout to other artists, I am not saying I despise the idea of NSFW artwork in general. I despise the fact I have done way over a hundred, going after milestone after milestone of likes and followers. I now have to deal with all the anxieties associated with this past hobby. It did help me get better at art...but the cost sasn't worth it.

Even though I heavily distanced myself from this I can't shake off it and move on, being showered with guilt and shame, everytime I try to draw anything, because it reminds me of what I had done. This has spread far enough to the point where I can barely look at NSFW material without flashbacks of my own contributions. It just sucks, like I'm not allowed to live life past this. Depression? Maybe, I haven't gotten a proper diagnosis but if my thoughts of...self punishment is anything to gi by, it's not "light" mental issues that's for sure.

That's everything I can vent out like this, there's so many other reasons behind this sudden hate of my past self, but it's not a conversation to be had as of now, as I'm still processing so much. I just hope this taste of what's been going on in my head better explains why I had to...vanish, as best as I can. I'm sure other artists that vanished with their arts had those same train of thoughts.

Bottom line is: Do NOT get into NSFW work unless you're absolutely sure it's memories you can live with forever. Don't get into it on impulse, and avoid falling into the vicious chase for likes: You may come to regret it 5 years down the line.
This wasn't the best personal choice on hindsight. But maybe I can save others from making the same mistakes with this warning.

For now, this is the last you'll hear of me. The only reason I might come back is if it's to do a longer, comprehensive post on my mental state regarding my past "umbry" self. But I doubt it would be even healthy to do so. It's best I leave time do its thing and have my my time in this community be forgotten.

Hello hello,

So, it's been a while huh? I believe I haven't really been showing signs of life for over 3 months now. Hell I didn't even do my yearly retrospect. So what happened? Where was I and why have I gone silent.

To be honest, this update has taken much longer to make than I hoped it would. I simply couldn't find the right words to write out. But I feel like now I've disappeared for too long without an explanation, I owe one for those that got worried about my well being.

To clear things up, I am physically well, nothing bad happened to me. If anything it's mental stuff I've been dealing with. Not that I've been a danger to myself either. It's more that I am at a loss currently. By mid December I felt a sudden switch in my mood. I no longer felt the energy or care in this hobby. It was like an art block, with the exception that this time, it's the whole idea of continuing to draw such content.

It got worse in January, where I couldn't even open my program to draw, without feeling this intense sensation of "I shouldn't" and this haunted me for a while. I didn't know if this was a normal feeling nsfw artist goes through, but my biggest fear has since been "what if I never recover from this?"

I don't know if I'm conveying that feeling correctly, but you could bet this is the main reason I did not post anything for so long. I was and frankly still not sure what it'll mean for the future of this hobby. 3 months later and I still don't feel like I'm getting any closer to getting back to this.

From my current perspective, it feels too early to just say "I have lost all motivations in keeping this account going", but then there's the fact my life has pushed me to slowly sacrifice time I had for other hobbies for more pressing matters, and this is what it comes down to: uncertainty.

Currently, do not expect new images or stories here, not until I get my life in order. I can only hope I will be able to make a thunderous return soon enough. And in the offchance my drive for it is confirmed permanent. I'll be sure to inform everyone; inform my departure rather than vanishing without warning...

Considering I've just created my OC, why shouldn't I take the opportunity to announce my F-List page to show off an approximate idea of what I like/don't like through what "his" preference would be.

As for RPing, can't say I'd be the active type, and I would prefer keeping it to people I could trust to be enjoyable to RP, with shared preferences.

Link to F-list: https://www.f-list.net/c/umbry

Argon shared the knowledge of this site's existence. The fact that it's made for getting commissioning sold that for me! Perhaps I'll find willing buyers there? Who knows Owo

Link to my profile here: https://itaku.ee/profile/umbry