I guess i don't need anyone now. I'll die and make the whole world hate me for what I did. I am the worst and a mind breaker. I delude myself to delude others. My life is not worth living and I am not worth loving...

I read reports of men who are humiliated and jailed and killed for being homosexuals....i also read people's stories of getting caught during.....the moment and that their parents said "you're not the son I wanted, I hope you go to hell" and the other said "I never loved you" and now i feel like I can't handle it.....i still feel like my mom doesn't support me still and that she still wants me to get a girlfriend...I know she doesn't even want to think I did somethings...I know...she wants me to have a normal life......she wants me to get a girlfriend......
I don't want to end up like the ones I read.....I don't want to get scolded like how their parents did.....I don't want to be homo anymore.....I want to be normal....I want to live in another world of lies just to let my mom have her grandchildren and daughter-in-law.... being homo is such a bad thing to be......I want to be straight...I need to be straight.....I have to be straight.....I need to stay away from men.....I need to stop thinking of men....I need to think of girls and only girls....I need to marry a girl and love a girl......girls is what i'm supposed to be after...not men.........my mom wants a son who can marry a girl....I know that's what she wants.....she doesn't want a son who is married to a guy......she wants a son who is normal........I need to be normal......I need to stop loving guys......i need to get rid of my friends that influence me to like guys....and get friends who influence me to like girls....i need to think of girls.....need to learn to love them like a real man should.......I need....to let my mom be happy.........i don't care of my own happiness now......i just need to make my mom feel really happy.....

When I die I want to be the youkai of hatred....one who can manipulate his own anger without force but hallucinations and illusions and inject it to a persons mind to go insane about a hatred he never had but subconsciously he did....a destructive youkai that can't be killed by the person affected by it....only self-healing and facing his own hate wil cure the curse of the youkai of hatred....

youkai of hatred are born from people who develop a sense of hate and a fear of hate who starts to make up new hate and being hated that causes himself to lose control, hallucinate the future and never get over what he already made....when the person dies, he will not go to heaven or hell but he will turn into a ghost or youkai and haunt whoever he starts to develop hate towards or from......normally will dwell on the country he dies on......

I'm gonna be a youkai of hate when I die......i'm sure I will.....i'm sure that I have tons of people who hate me right now...specifically the furrypinos.........once i know they were angry at me in any slight manner.......i can't ever get close to them ever again.....
my dad gets angry at me so i'm not close now.....
my friend here is annoyed and worried so i feel like i'm only hindering him and making him more insane......
my best friend said his friend hated me.......so i can't talk to that person again.....
my old mate....he talked behind my back in the most insulting way I knew........
my dad's mate.....insulted me with a really bad word......
my other friend here always ends the conversation in an odd but sad way which makes me feel sad that he's annoyed by me now....
his mate was the first to get angry at me and block me....and he started my developing fear of hatred
all the furrypinos hated me when I ran away......after knowing that....i will never be friends with them again...
after insulting someone in which i didn't think was an insult here in FA...he doesn't want to talk to me ever again....
in short....i know that everyone i know hates me....

...............i learned.....someone else hates me too................
I was talking to my old friend in an online game....since that is the only place we ever get to talk now......i learned from him....that one of my friends hates me too...........he said to my buddy..."get over me"........that sounds like he really does hate me..........I want to stop being hated.....I want to stop living......I want to stop feeling so sad........why can't I ever cry at all.................

I want to cry......let me cry...........i can't handle being hated again.......this is twice of being hated today......and remembering everyone else hating me........I feel like i'm gonna die from a grudge tonight..............let me..........rest.....in peace........no more.....hating...........

so my friend  Ridley Zeoteh's uncle is in the ICU because he got a seizure and needs some care and pray that his uncle will be well soon and come out fine and ok.

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/...../#cid:34021280

I'm completely worthless right? I won't do anything about my life...yeah.....i don't deserve to be anyone's idol nor someone to love........i'm just a bad person.....who is nothing and purely a nothing and won't even study and get any good things in life.....I don't deserve to be someone's man or love......i should be single like always....so that my mate can find someone who is better and can find someone who can support both of them....someone much better than me......someone who is worth to live with.....

I'm sure....I need to die soon since I am nothing with no talents and no goals and a person who shuts himself away from anyone I get close to......i better......just migrate accounts again.......and this time no one would follow me....so that i have no friends that will know how worthless i am in my own life and a pain in their life.....

I am not friends with any of those furrypinos!

That is all

so my mom and sister left me here at home and went somewhere else for a vacation for 10 days. It's been a while since I am alone like this and I can't come because of my school and that I don't feel like facing my relatives or my friends just yet...

So starting today me and my mate could barely see each other and can only do so once a month on a saturday due to him starting school now so i'll feel a little lonely sometimes again. I may be free and alone but I show respect by being good while the house is empty unlike the part loving people who throw parties when their parents are away -_- all I would do is just play the laptop all day and such so yeah...

Anyways wish me luck for the next 10 days.

I was listening to a song about a tanuki until it inspired me when i combined it with my game. I can't remember the name too well since it was on the other laptop but his name i could remember is....dakasu? a mischievous tanuki who can manipulate shapes due to their history of shapeshifting in lores.

Dakasu specializes on twin rods and since he specializes on them, he can master all 3 classes built for it which is a geomancer, dreamer, and a chakibang

Geomancer - can manipulate earth and natural occurences.
Dreamer - can manipulate his own mind to create things out of nowhere much like his shapeshift
Chakibang - manipulation of beats and isn't a tanuki playing a taiko drum cool? X3

so yeah I wonder when i might make him....

=w= I'm learning how to make websites and all so I hope in the end the website is up and running and I hope I actually can learn how to make one :3

Why are reference arts always better than original arts...? of course if it was an fanart then many would like it. If a person draws his oc with a famous character or fursona then they would also like it as much as reference arts but...if someone makes a original art then barely anyone would like it or at least very little few will....

My art referencing hiimdaisy got more attention than my usual art stuffs... my old art that gift art a famous artist got more attention as well...this proves that my art is nearly not nice for many people if it doesn't "reference" something....

of course...my loyal watchers actually do care about how my own art is so....i guess like they say..."Just be glad at least some people like it" or so...ehehe.....i need to learn to accept even the slightest things in life no matter how small...

I still wonder if i should see a psychiatrist....then again I still hold back if ever I try to see one...
So far I am surviving-ish this month and on the process of this month:

1. I had my birthday with my mate
2. I lost a friend
3. Purposely lost contact with a close friend
4. Received a jacket and a game with my own money
5. Started to draw less than usual
6. migrated the account around mid-may
7. received many more bad news than good
8. Improved my projects a little and made new ones
9. Started school
10. met an actual fag who only likes me more because of what I have...(material stuff)

So far I had no progress in life and I'm still as always on the verge of insanity. Even if I am 17 now...I still and only will call myself 16.....I don't want to grow up.....

I feel weirdly sick...like something stuck on my throat, head spinning and my stomach feels weird... huh....am I receiving early signs that I will be more sick some time soon?

Also I am craving for ramen today and my money right now is enough to buy one and there is that promo of 50% off ramen if I order an appetizer so if I can calculate enough...I can actually get a ramen for free X3

Yay I hope that eating ramen will actually make me feel better...if not then I guess my mate who is coming over today after school might help me feel better.. :3

I start to wonder how do I even make any good arts right now. With my lack of motivation to even use my Sai and curve tools as usual...will I really even make any good art for anyone other than my current watchers? I only have 5 loyal watchers and I guess you guys are always by my side for some reason and are usually appreciating how my art becomes...but I start to wonder what kind of art shoul I make to please anyone else so that I can have more watchers...hm...

Actually I shouldn't dwell on getting more watchers because I'm sure that I might end up migrating to a new account anyways so....yeah just complaining that's all. no need to worry =w=

If I make a game then I hope it's how I imagined it.
If it gets sold then I hope no one will hack it or else they will go to jail.
If it goes out then I don't want to see any mods made by fans
If I get negative reviews then I was only happy I made the game at least
If its that bad then I don't want to see haters near me
If they keep demanding on something that is against what I plan to make then I will never make it happen for them
I don't want to see a fan base

as usual I'll put down the ideas I'm working on and sadly as usual only I am working on my own works and my mate is actually usually having a hard time to keep up with how I deal and think about the game ideas...in which he criticizes me sometimes (which helps sometimes) and needed a rest X3

1. Masquerade - just like persona but different approach and gameplay
2. Kemono - like disgaea series with my own mechanics
3. Feral Warriors - like dynasty warriors with similar mechanics

the new game idea I though is Paw Panel which is just like panel de pon with similar game mechanics (it's not really copyright but inspired by and plus the game is only gamecube so I wanna continue its gameplay).
It shares many similarities like switching blocks to match a 3 to clear them, block drops after combos and animated sprites during attacks but I wanna add this and that and probably add a health bar as well but this will be hard for me to combine with so I'm gonna think this through.

of course as usual I will add many characters but they all don't have anything different but just who you like to choose, their voice, and their animated sprite. because it only used to be in the gamecube, it means I can add more things due to the wii's higher capacity so in short, paw panel aims to be a nintendo game

welcome Paw Panel to the idea list~

I can't believe i was missing 2 years of sims 3 and i'm really happy my mate helped install sims 3 on my computer and now i can do daily stuffs on sims :3
I'm nearly the type who loves to play games that involve socializing and hobby or virtual games.
I'm gonna turn the sims 3 neighborhood into a sims world full of hot and chubby dudes~
I already planned a house on the far right of the map where six chubby guys live and they leave near the waterfall too so they can fish as well~
Nyaaaaa~ I love this game and I love my mate for letting me play and installing it for me~
KYAAAAAA~ gay oriented neighborhood sims world~

if you ask me what i like and what i don't like...i can tell you right away or give me time to remember what they are...but i'll not really tell this to any random person who asks me the question...only sometimes.....but i'll almost always reply to those who are my close friends....and a little barely to just friends..

now...if you tell me to WRITE down what i like and don't like as an assignment or write down my life or anything about me....I would hesitate and never write anything at all.....ask me something to reply is one thing but asking me to write it down and submit it on a paper is something else in which i can never do....

this only occurs if SOMEONE were to tell me to write it down as an assignment...i only will write down my personal stuff if it was me who decided to do so...and not anyone else.....

i don't know....i just don't like to write down my personal info on any topic......i only will tell it if i will say what you ask me to answer...

...right now my mood isn't right.....for some reason....and then....i ripped off all of the sketches i have in my bag......without a reason....why......because i'm crazy.....
why do i suffer and can't do anything about this.....