I just hate myself lately and I just want to be a million days away from today, because I am the worst thing in the world. There is this weight on my shoulders and I just have to some how get out from under this because I'm wasting my life hiding inside in the dark, waiting for this weight to dissipate like ice in water. I'm ever sleeping, trying to heal and return to my self although I'm so far away that I don't think that I will be the boy I once had been but that there will be another facade for me to up take for when I do get back.
For now I'm going to try an claw my way back to myself with out seeing where I'm going. I can not let anyone see me like this I have to keep the fake smiles showing because I don't want anyone to see me until I am me again. I just need a million day away from now.

I don't know how I let things slip this long but dang I need to start putting new art out and Anne if your reading this I have some sketches done but life has been getting in my way to get them to you.
Quick recap and stuff, I left a school that kicked my ass but it tough me grips of thing that I never knew and met a load of sick ass artists. Lots of fighting with peoples then on to AC. Which was super sweet (said like Cartman). Vowed to make a fursuit and kind of gone nowhere with that one but hope it still alive, working on my art style and pulling my hair out cause I can't settle on just one or stay consistent. Ummm... moving ahead I'm like old now, like 31 which has me like WTF, I look like I'm not that old, heh. What eve, so like now I'm back in a new school, which is way hella cheeper and I ride my bike every where so I'm like cheetah skinny. Although I have been drinking way too much, I need to quit that.
And I'm back to fighting with peoples again, I guess I'm mad about how things always turn out for me but I need to stop being so angry about things I can't change and focus on... I don't know but yeah art work or something. Anyways more ramblings from me more often and at 3 am. yay!

Wow, I can't believe how many furs are just popping out of the wood work! Mostly because I find them here on FA and I'm not even looking, although lots are hella sketchy, which I totally understand because I personally have been burned by letting others know I'm a fur in the past and then there are just some furs you just wish you never met. My luck has been pretty good so far cause the furs I have met are down to earth for the most part, lol and I'm sure that I won't be sad for knowing them. :)

Christ!!! Looks like I'm going back to my bad habits like the beginning of the semester of not sleeping but everyone keeps telling me welcome to finals. Grrr, I hate not sleeping but it seems I have no choice cause dude the work sneaked up on me all ninja like, I never had a chance. :(( To boot I have like been running in to all the furs all over the school which has me like "fuck damn, there's a lot of furries here!" Most of which put me to shame with there mad skills. Sucks so bad that I can't go there any more, I'm just too poor but I think I'm sure that I am going to keep in touch with some of these peps.
Ugh... I best get back to work I'm going to be up all night working on projects, good luck to y'all during finals, peace!
Oh and Miyabita we so have to hang sometime and draw, I'll get your digits next time I see ya. *hugs*

I don't know why, but every time I get around furries or peeps that are in some way involved in the fandom I totally get all awkward and lose composure. Like today I finally had the courage up to talk to this chick that does furry art and damn good art at that. Anyway we got to talking and I ended up confessing to her that I'm a furry which I'm super afraid to do because of the stigma that attached to furries. She was kind of like "wtf you're a fur, you just don't fit the bill to be one but ok." It went down something like that, but oh my goodness when we had a class later I totally wanted to talk to her but I just froze up and fell apart. So now I think she thinks I'm weird or something and like all I would like is to have a fellow artist to relate to and talk about stuff but I just never can seem to be my normal self when it comes to furry anything, I don't know maybe it's because I want to impress and not look like a dork but that's exactly what I end up doing. :P This bothers me so much too cause i can just talk to strangers as if we were old friends, meh... I guess I'm just over thinking this whole thing.
Back to the girl, she has some tight work and I totally am going to commission her when I get the cash, and trust me the net does no justice to her pieces when viewed over the internet. Although honestly I was a little surprised by some of her pieces she has, but hey i love nudes just as much as the next dude and sex does sell, so more power to her she's making money. :D

Oh yeah! Here's a link to this bad ass I'm talking about. http://www.furaffinity.net/user/miyabitacheetah/

Ghettoness! I can't go to the school of my choice any more because I'm just too poor, so I'm going to set plan B in to motion and try and dive in to furry more. So I guess it's time for me to become more responsible and getting my act together. I don't know what to do or where this is going to take me but hell I don't have anything else to do.
I really have nothing else to expand on but that I have been keeping my head low for the better half of this year mostly cause of school, sorry to everyone that I have been neglecting.

Looks like what we have here is one worked boy, let's see how far we can push him?

I feel like I'm in a movie with lots of twists and turns with wicked snares all along the way. Ok I don't even know where I left off at, but damn all I know is that I was on top of the world, now I feel like I'm fighting the entire world. Funny how that is, but hey it makes for great dinner conversation which would be nice since I don't eat too often. Things aren't all that bad though, I just feel way over loaded with school work that doesn't seem to quit and my two jobs rock although I am always thinking about school the entire time I'm there, boo.
Everyone is mad at me cause I was a drunk jerk but then again I did expect way to much out of them, I should of known better then to opened up to anyone completely beside my love, I'm silly. There is a bright side to this update that rocked booty, I went to FC which was so freaking fun and I can't believe all the crazy things that happened and the art that I made there hammered, hurt tired. I had such a good time although I feel bad that I can't keep in touch with all the peps that I met there, I'm just way to busy this semester to strike up a conversation just when ever, too much school on my mind I guess. I best get back to school work I'm going to be up all night again. goooooo will power!

Well I wanted to go to FC now I have to go to FC. I can't change my flight because it cost a grip of cash to switch and come back early for school, so in the end I'm forced to have a good time. I'm just going to have to not screw up at all during this school year. Ha! This only leaves me stressed cause the last three months of 07 I was stuck in bed cause I was either hurt or sick. Even now I'm limping around cause I am trying to get back in shape, and being in bed for three months kind of taxed my body more then I though, this is going to be a rough one.
I really shouldn't stress I have all the skills to pay the bills it just that I can't stop feeling that something jacked is going to happen. Guess I will have to deal with it if it happens.

Wow that came up fast! I guess I'm back in school cause I missed my first class and didn't even know that I was supposed to be a school. I love when peps say they will get back to you and you get let down, I'm sure you can relate. Well now that that's been straightened out I might be the one letting someone down because this schedule is stupid crazy and I might have to choose one event over school and that has me really upset.
I pulled a lot of strings to get things in order to go to FC and now I'm worried that I might have to bail out :((! This school that I'm going to is just amazing and I really don't wanna mess this up. I don't know how I'm going to handle this.

Ok first I wanna say sorry for like the hella slow trades but I kind of got slammed with a grip of chaos and good happenings that kind of over whelmed me this last month. It's all good too cause I been busting my butt to transfer to a college that will hook me up with a decent bachelors degree that won't suck to get and to my surprise I got in to on of the phatest schools for art that's in Colorado. Rocky mountain college of art + design, I'm so stoked! Although running around trying to tie up all the loose ends for that have been a job in it self, it's so going to be worth it.
Super ghetto thing is I'm kind of out of a job at the moment and I need a new one mad quick, or I'm gonna be in the dog house with my woman and rightfully so. No free loading here, we have too many bills to pay for, blah. Only thing that really threw me off tracks was getting sick with the flu, talk about bad timing. But I just stayed in and tried my damnest to get better as soon as I could. So to all those I have trades too and whatever I'm on it, just don't write me off yet cause I'm working on it I'm just kind of hampered.
Last thing that I've squared away is F.C. I have been kicking down walls trying to get a last minuet in to that fun time, I even have to miss my first week of school for it which is really bad but my plans are set and this going to rock. Peace till next year and like what the hell happened to 07?

It's been a little more then two weeks since I had surgery and I'm finally starting to walk normal again even though the pain is still kind of bad. Right after the operation was the worst! I never have cried because of pain before and I figured I was going to be in pain just for a little bit because the nurse said that she gave me a morphine shot and that should take care of everything. Well it didn't, not even after three shots of morphine, two vicodin, and a shot of demerol. I felt the pain plan as day ugh, after two and a half hours they said that I should try getting to the wheel chair so that I could go home. That had to be the longest foot I have ever had to travel, I was shaking and clinching my teeth so hard that I though I would going to make my head pop, I don't remember going in to my house all that much well except that I was tearing up bad and then I passed out after laying my body flat on my bed. For the next week I was asleep because of all the meds that I was on and I when I was able to sort walk which was around thanksgiving, I was like so retarded and slow it made going out worthless. Just think of someone trying to feed grandpa, that's how lame I was.
Never get a hernia, that's the moral of the story because the cure is so damn painful. The pic is of me sleeping the many days that I slept, with out my pants on cause my cloths were too tight and hurt my wound hella bad. Although the spots did made the doctor think that there was something else wrong with me, lol. I told him the truth that I had them because I was to be photographed and henna was used to paint me up. Ah fun times.

Ok like I haven't up dated in awhile because I been outside play lots. If you didn't know I like to bike mountain bike, that alone I could go on for ever with. I also do yoga in the mornings before work which rocks my booty and then there is my new fun time which happens anywhere, Parkour! I never really new this was like a true form of anything till I saw others doing it in movies and commercials. Hell even my buddy Lekko has been doing this kind of stuff for as long as I can remember. Well with all this jumping around and stuff I kind of never took the time to rest and heal when I had down time, I would just go right back out and start doing something that was fun and needless to say I hurt myself. It's nothing too bad well the doctors could hardly find that I had a hernia... it's just a little bulge that's only going to get worse and this spells surgery for this cheetah that hates to sit around in one place for too long. Well only now I can't do much of anything for the next week after monday and then I have to be real easy for 5 weeks from that.
Ugh... now I can't go to the dance clubs and dance dance dance :((. On the up side I am going to draw grip loads and hopefully get a website of my scribbles out there, now I only need fans, lol. Wish me luck and hope I don't die when they cut in to me!

Holy shit, downtown Denver was the place to be last night! The biggest pillow fight went down and like people were getting tagged left and right, I even saw some peeps get laid out! Damn it was so cool some dude brought a mattress and ran over over the crowd at large, shit I had to duck and roll to get out of some beatings.
This is how it worked, everyone showed up at 15th and Larimer and people stood on the corners of the four way intersection waiting for the clock to strike 10 p.m. and for the walk signal to give the go ahead. After that it was all battle cries and blind swinging, it was grand. I walked away with a little black eye, a few punches to the back, and my shoulder was knocked out of place, and I swallowed a grip of feathers. But other than that it kicked ass! My wife even knocked some geezers' heads, fun was had by all. Even people that were passing by got in the action but then the nuggets showed up (cops) and killed the fun although not before every body had one massive group hug. Nothing like random stinky people that are dressed like freaks to share in the love of hitting one another. I wish you all were there.

OMG! I'm so tired and like no matter how I plan it I always just end up getting 5 hours of sleep max. Although I have to say things have been hella cool and grips of stuff has been getting done. Hell even my friends that took a dump on me have come back around to say they that they were wrong and what they did was fucked. Mad apologies were made to me and which turned in to an all night drinking/cursing fun time. I did hand them a big fuck you with don't pull that kind of shit ever again speech and they were all for hearing it cause they missed me.
In other news my love for furry has become even greater with the help of cool peps on FA. Thanks ya'll for all the support and kind words. With that I want to make art again that knocks off socks!

So like things are still ghetto but I'm back to being happy which is where I'm normally at. I can't say things are all bad though cause I did have the few bad ass friends that I have left help me out in a major way. My compy took a dump and they rebuilt it for me!! *sends out big props to my homies* I can now make fun and good artwork again, but like I have so much going on in my life that makes it super tough.
This is going to sound weird but my work it training me to learn yoga and spin training and I work at a bike shop, kind of odd huh? Oh well I get new mad skills, all I have to do now is keep eating enough to keep up. Sometimes it's rough being a cheetah boy.

Ah ,*sighs* so life moves on as I just have to except the fact that no matter how close you think you are to someone they can turn on you in an instance. Heh, as if that's going to stop me from loving and having fun, although I did get low there for awhile my lovely Kitt pulled me out of my slump and reminded me of what I always say "Fuck it and deal". Damn she so knows me so well and how to make me happy. I feel better now even though I really couldn't fix anything. My rest of my friend that I have left are my true friends, they don't' judge or label but they do put me in check when I need it and I sure as hell needed a check for how low I got. Thanks y'all you guys kick ass.

I have to say that I love my friends, they always seem to know how to let a guy down and disrespect me, and hey what are friends for? Here's the deal I sent out a grip of shouts to peps all around the way and I got a lot of "yeah I'll hit you back" or "hell yeah let's hook up and do something." The thing was I just wanted to see who really gives a damn about me and not really to my surprise just one did and that was my love. Right now I'm so pissed off at everyone right now simply because I always go all out for all of them and they really never really there for me. Although there is a select few that do hold close, two really and one of them is a total flake, I can count on what he says about %50 of the time. Everyone else likes to judge me, talk about me behind my back, and say how shitty of a person I am.
Ah good times, I have this kind of noise happen quite a bit and if this happens all the time you’re probably thinking they might have a point but that's not the case. I have taken what people say in to account very seriously and changed how I went about myself around them and all people for a long time, treated everyone with more kindness and respect, even went out of my way for my friends numerous times but I was walked on even more and talk about worse.
So sets in my apathy meh, I still think that everyone should be treated with respect and loads of kindness, I just have to realize that I'm going to always be dogged for who I am, no matter what I do. I just have to perpetually ninja my way through life, be cool, avoid noise, and let karma do its thing even though life shouldn’t be like this.
I know this is a little unfair to some as some of my friends aren’t that close to begin with but I still hold them close. All of my friends have experienced some massive event in my life that was so amazing and unreal, I will never forget. Whereas to them I was just someone passing through their lives and this hurts. Any more I'm quite sad and there isn't really anyone I can turn to because I'm always thought of as a liar or horribly misunderstood, which leaves me just frustrated and annoyed on top of my sad state.
Life keeps going and I have to go with it, for I can only rely on myself to make my life better. And that’s something I do try to do very hard. Always something will be fighting, wronging, blocking, hurting me but keep it coming because death comes for us all eventually and until then I’m going to keep trying to have a good life even though it’s filled with hardship.

I really should up date this thing more often but this is just so ghetto but here's some crap that's my life. I just ended one of the darkest periods of my lifer but that's hear say and no one believes me so I'll just deal and sum it up as it was really horrible to the point that I'm slightly twisted from it. I'm just a cat that has problems that are kind of unusual and sound silly to anyone when explaining to anyone. Heh, I given up trying to relate to people all that I know is that everyone deserves respect, even though you sure as hell don't get what you give but then again there are times that I am surprised.

School kind of feel through the cracks this semester which is cool cause I decided to go to C.U. Denver instead of going to Metro state but that was like few week ago and since then I been on the go dealing with havoc and sleep deprivation but fun none the less. The one thing that has been rocking my world has been my pink bike and that lovely ride has been taking me through all sorts of new trails and miles and miles of wicked scenery. There is like a million things that I want to go on about but I just don't have the time and I also feel like I would be leaving out something or another. Guess I will just have to try but not today. One last thing before I go and that my Wife has just had her birthday!! I was fun even though there was some douchebagery going on but I guess that happens at parties now and then. Some one remind me I must up date later.

Well I went to my first furry con and holy crap, talk about dork fest but I has sooooo much fun and partied like a rock star! The event went on for 5 days and I think I slept a total of 9 hours and ate 4 times while I was there and I was drinking every night. There were raves just about every night and I met a few hard core peeps that were hella fun to hang with, also there was some bad ass unknown artists that I met and they hooked me up with furry gear and showed me something that I would say would be top secret techniques. Some of the most interesting people that I have ever met, to say the least.
I guess I almost got in to a fight but really I don't know what to call it. I was walking down the street to get some food which didn't happen cause some huge dude jumped me from behind and got me in a head lock. The first though through my head was my hair but the second thought was "aww yeah, time to beat someone down!" I got out of the head lock in an instance and threw a few kicks at his head and then started jumping around all about fighting said to the guy "fuck yeah, let's do this!" and his reaction was something of a convulsion, then he and he's friend just walked off as if nothing happened. I was kind of weirded out and all the people that were on lookers were confused as well. I think mainly cause me the freak dressed up as a giant cat could take on and probably kill the attackers seemed kind of odd.
Since the con which was like three weeks ago I have still been partying like a rock star and life has been insane and super fun. More on that laters cause I really didn't have the time to write this. Peace and love yo.

I found out why I was going insane, the guy that lives next to me has been spying on me and there was music I was hearing ever so softly that I couldn’t pin point but finally found the source! So I wasn’t going nuts it was just shit totally screwing with me, also I was kind of not taking care of myself, which made me finally crash and burn HARD. After the big crash I had to change or it would all happen again and since then I’m doing great and everything is looking up! So that means more furry art that doesn’t suck, once I get back from AC and I’m sure to be warped from that experience. Peace till then *hugs and love to everyone*

Ooooh things have been very odd and eerie, I must say. So I come here to rant about it because it's my only out let. Like have you ever just been annoyed by sounds at night and then your mind go wild to where you believe that something is really going on? I been entraining the notion that something weird is going on, and so far all I know is that I need a camera. There is like no way for me to prove anything with out one and with the current camera I have isn't going to do the trick. I guess I should just wait and see what happens cause there is so much that is going on, and there are so many questions left that I want answered.

Heh, I just got done with one of the most and utterly messed up times in my life. Going through this horrible time in my life was awesome and I never want to do it again. I did it all to myself and there was a need to do it to myself but I did it all in secret, I'm sure there were signs of my torment and pain that I was going through but no one ever said anything or seem to notice to much, which is what I wanted. It's all over now and I'm going back to my real self someone that has been on for a long time, much to long. Although I'm sure as hell am not going to be the same and I'm happy for that because, what would of been the use of going through all those experiences that I went through. And I have to say sorry to all those that I have hurt with being the way that I was, I am on my way to getting better. Life is so screwy.

So like all my time has been getting used up on art stuff but the only problem is that non of it is furry but the up side is that I am getting better at my craft. Finally I'm starting to get a hold of like art thanks to a good artists *CaptRicoSakara, they rock for hooking me up with a tutorial about how to go about line art. Here's the link http://captricosakara.deviantart.com/ ,check em out. Well back to work y'all, peace!

Okay, so I have been back in school for like two weeks but holy crap I'm like already so behind that I feel like I'm just a slow kid on the short bus. My drawing class is going all right except that I have like 5 drawing that I still have to turn in and my teacher is such a monkey about technique and like the class is so brutal to go to. Sometime cause you can talk or listen to music or like draw anything fun. But today was a little different. I drank a lot of caffeine and totally went off on my work but like I'm drawing a foot, so I don't know how off the handle one could get with that for the subject matter.
Math is like my enigma class, I'll go in and come out two hours later with out knowing what just happened, did I just raped or is that sick feeling the hot pocket I ate earlier, I'm not really sure. Oh wait I just had a math class, ummm, I think? (Vortex closes behind me.)
I also played a mean joke on my friend but I guess it was kind of one that he kind of started by interrupting my letter wrong and the funny thing was that I did get mad cause the punk ass never calls and on top of that he moves in to an area that has no phone service! WTF is up with that you freaking weird punk, reclusive psycho, and bush supporter! That's right I said your support bush, cause you were on the cover of people, taking a question intended for bush. Dude that question could of been the one that took him down *shakes head* Although were cool now and there was laughs all around, at least for me. Anyways enough about pure evil and there supporters, I bid you a due and good day. Mew =^.^=