Loneliness is the only thing when I wouldn't give to belong to somebody to be someone's submissive it wouldn't be so bad not even for someone with a strong will like myself it would make me happy to have anybody even a master telling me what to do it would be nice for me even someone like me craves attention in any way possible but secretly I would love to belong to someone completely

Once again I find myself in wanting curious and confused wondering why I'm still here living in this forsaken life I call my own pretty much every single person I've ever known or met with my condition is dead a long time ago dead not recent and here I am nearly 27 years old I must have a purpose here and it is unclear but I definitely am supposed to be alive for the first time in a couple of years I am as healthy as I can possibly be I have had no sickness in almost a year and though I may be in pain my life is yet to be over I still enjoy too many things to give up to quit stop I shall remain an observer until I can decipher my destiny my purpose in this world my life will remain enjoying what company I can and dreaming of things I wish I could of done

and in this life which has become my own prison holding me back the way ahead opens a light shining in the darkness but as I reach out for it that which surrounds that threatens to consume pulls and strengthens it to grasp holding me back taunting me and seeping into my very being threatening to pull my very essence away and as I fight it grows it spreads it strengthens but as do I as I fight back all the more trying to stay ahead trying not to drown to get swept away in this hellish nightmare I called living as I try almost tempted to give in but every time I get close to the edge I cannot let go I cannot die I cannot give it has become impossible why must I try so hard to remain here in this prison in this hell in this darkness in this abyss this inescapable pit I cannot say perhaps I belong here perhaps and not allowed to leave yet maybe I have a purpose in all of this chaos this into this rage this endless anger and in this pain this endless hunger for living for remaining for reaching out for trying to fit in in the world that doesn't understand how to accept me but still I cannot leave

I am both broken and twisted
I am thrown overboard awash and left to bare full force of a storm alone in the darkness of my own creation but not exactly my own creation
I'm a castaway of creation of disorder of bad circumstance of bad coincidence and unfortunate soldier in a fight no mere person could ever understand unless they have been place in the same shoes they could never imagine begin to imagine to understand
I have become the embodiment of rage and anger of frustration and pain suffering and sorrow with darkness everywhere I look
my pain is never-ending my suffering continuous and prolonged unable to even let myself die with the cornucopia of opportunity to let just the very event take place removing me from this hell from the suffering and agony and darkness always in the dark
changes occurring in return that cause me to begin to question my own sanity to begin to wonder if I could take a life if I could watch the light my victim's face watch their eyes become hazy and faded to see them become glossy and pale leaving a trace of who they once were other than the body that I leave behind
but in my condition that is even a certain impossibility I can't even lift my own hand how could I ever do anything to anybody else
it wouldn't even help anyway the only ones I could ever wish to harm right now are the countless people look away who ignore everyone else's pain for their own purposes to people I would destroy would suffer greatly never get to feel a portion of myself of my agony of my suffering and sorrow and see the world as I do now

there was a time when I felt happy and joyous instead of sorrow and envious
of light now gone which would easily pain replaced now becoming everyone else's bane
darkness surrounding becoming my protector my cover instead of being allowed to find a lover
rage and anger showering me soaking into my very being leaving sorrow to cloud my seeing
leading the resentful and pitiful remainder of a person a shell of what I could have been when everything is said and done
I am broken and alone my friends provide me little comfort and just as well because I caused them nothing but discomfort
the darkness inside overwhelming me nothing I can do no outlet to release my rage left alone inside of the cage the key nowhere to be seen it does not exist in this world left alone inside the storms vortex whirl restrained and chained unable to move or even defend myself this is my hell

I'd like to welcome you all

I have decided that the transformation shall represent my character and by no means does it make me less of a warrior I can't explain why . This needs to be done. I can't quantify what I'm feeling. I just know for some reason, this is the way it was supposed to be so from now on my featured submission represents my characters evolution

I am uncertain as to what I wish to do with my character at the moment I have recently asked someone to create a different version of my character. A herm version which I have really taken a liking to I'm going to link it here http://www.furaffinity.net/view/10038619/ so tell me what you think should I stay the same or should I adapt to this new form. I'm pretty sure of what I'm going to be right now I'm leaning towards the new picture, but just for the hell of it. Tell me what you think.

I'm honestly enjoying the new story I started writing didn't think I had it in me but, the more I do it the easier it seemed to be to get motivated I'm really hoping to keep it from going actually have a plot and stuff this time so I'm hopeful wish me luck that I stay on this

25 years old the 30th I'm gettin old for someone like me but, I don't plan to die anytime soon

-sigh- it's sad but, I wish someone owned me at least then I'd get to feel anothers touch or anything really it's too bad I guess

strange occurrence today as anyone well knows who has read any of my stuff for my profile I happen to be dying more or less. Anyway, the strangest thing happened today of all of the thoughts I could possibly be having in my dying days I suddenly feel as if I could walk again one day. I abandoned this idea many years ago and I haven't looked back because, I know painfully that there is no way. As much as I move that in my heart for some odd reason I have the feeling that I can walk again someday is it some cruel thought I am having teasingly just to keep myself alive or does it mean something else. I honestly can't say it is painful but for some reason that idea has reemerged deep within me and I can't seem to push it away. It would have been easier to simply die never feeling this again but,. It is here... Why now of all times.....

In this abysmal darkness I have for life now I question why I hold on so tightly. Instinct perhaps or, fear I dunno but, I remain here alone and angry full of anger I lack the ability to control it I feel as if I don't belong here at all in this time or place it sucks I want to belong. I also want someone but, I doubt that'll ever happen I wish I had something more to hold onto than my wretched life I mean I can't even let it go I'm held here for some reason I can't explain. I just wanna belong.

Life can be cruel but, anger can be a very potent fuel source. Hell it mostly is what keeps me goin. You'd think in my condition I'd just give up and die. That's one thing I'll never do I've seen others like myself do that very thing I'm the only one left of a group of people like me. They were WEAK they just died gave up they got what they deserved. I REFUSE to just fall into that inviting endless sleep. I may be crippled BUT, DEATH WILL NOT TAKE ME EASILY TO ME GIVING UP IS NO OPTION.

Sometimes emotions aid and guide us and, sometimes they betray and hurt us. Lately for me it's the latter one. I keep thinkin I got under control but, every time I do it comes back pulling at me. The emotion of sadness will not leave me be even though I can't fix any of the problem it's so useless that I still feel it from loneliness after 23 years of the shit but, that's life for me I can't do anything for myself except for usin my computer even though i only use 3 fingers and a touchpad mouse lol but, oh well

oh and not I'm not emo I usually just bottled up inside also when I say I can't do anything I mean it literally not paralyzed just too weak though lol not everything is useless which I guess is good and bad oh well I'm out.

Sometimes as I lay here in the dark that night brings I let everything go that I seek near the end of this life I know I did fine without but, there's two things I wish I could experience...maybe three and be a part of. 1.love and experiencing another guys touch and affection and 2. Bein a furry irl not just online as it were to be out there experiencing it for real ya never really get to know anything simply just online online and, I just have no way to cause sadly I can't go anywhere without my family too and, lets face it ya can't exactly ask your dad or grandparents to take ya to a furcon or meet even if ya did could you be yourself? hehe this realization is where I turn to my violent game and good musix to funnel my energy and anger k later