Not sure what to add about 2024, i dont have much to sugarcoat

My mental state been going down rather fast lately, old habits becoming routine again and faults/frustrations getting taken out harder (punishment) on myself.
Im considering starting with antidepressants again but remembering the side effects i got.. as someone who done so much self harm in the past, it feels like a choice between pest or cholera.
Visited therapy for a bit but healthcare only paid enough visits to conclude, I need several years to even have a slight chance of dealing with the mixture of PTSD and whatever to call the symptoms im showing to make sure my self esteem remains ruined.
As mentioned last time, I started a new job which is decent due to nice coworkers but also making me realise im not cut out for it, its extremely exhausting for me yet i need to sustain it to either learn to deal with it or not let depression ruin it. I honestly don't know whats what.. am I too depressed to decide, am I too stressed out, am I in need of something else.. I don't know.

Art wise have I dropped a lot, reasons above and lack of inspiration.. mixture with its not worth it and refusing to sleep properly nor eat.
I do feel like i did a slight improve on anatomy lately, and i managed to put together an partial fursuit...plushsuit.

tldr: I'm doing worse and meaner to myself but I feel like a fake for not taking proper actions

Another year passed... Hm.

2023 were.. Not the worst?

Start were rough because detoxification from antidepressants I quit plus I were hit with Covid months later on, eugh.
Though, because I quit antidepressants I've gotten more emotional for good and bad reasons.. Things are rather dark at times, though not as -dangerous- as in past and since its chronic will it.. remain as it is; Up's and down but hopefully stable enough to continue being around.

So artistic wise? Been an absolute blast since I've drawn about 124 pieces compared to 58 in 2022 (!!!) - Counting some pictures twice if refs of a lot of various poses etc.
Not to mention that I changed my way of colouring for more smooth and texture differences.. very fun

There's some larger upcoming .. After 13 years im changing my job, brand wise.
Been at different dealers at various of places but taking a different path now because of some.. Heavier disagreements.
For some time I'll be less around to adjust with the different work, could be less art too... Or the complete opposite, that I'd feel so much better that I keep up the flow and offer you cms!
Current place been the issue for that, had too many obstacles to be able to draw-by-order.

So yeah.. many changes

I'll be there :O

For a little celebration that I'm about to pass 500 at birbsite & 300 at here will I offer YOU art !

1st 🏆will get a coloured fullbody
2nd 🏅will get a fullbody sketch
3rd 🥉will get a colour themed icon

What you have to do? Drop a comment or emoji below

** Ends on Saturday at 8 PM GMT+1 **

Rules!
* No r*ffle/give away/multiple acc
* Dropping a nsfw ref (Unless you won) will get you disqualified
* No age? only sfw
* My ToS still apply! https://docs.google.com/document/d/.....it?usp=sharing
* Given number may vary since I'm dropping this at multiple places
* You have to follow me
* Winner's must respond within 24h from ending or they will loose their spot

For a little celebration that I passed 350 at birbsite & 250 at here will I offer YOU art !

1st 🏆will get a coloured fullbody
2nd 🏅will get a fullbody sketch

What you have to do? Drop a comment or emoji below

** Ends on Thursday 26 at 4 PM GMT+1 **

Rules!
* No r*ffle/give away/multiple acc
* Dropping a nsfw ref (Unless you won) will get you disqualified
* No age? only sfw
* My ToS still apply! https://docs.google.com/document/d/.....it?usp=sharing
* Given number may vary since I'm dropping this at multiple places
* You have to follow me

2022 been a.. interesting year.

A lot fell apart, other were mended.

I feel rather hollow after quitting with my meds, im more.. dead on emotions without my antidepressants. Kinda funny, heh.
Comforting too since I've kinda fallen into the acceptance of loneliness.
When I were on meds I often stressed out about it, anxious about how/if I'm going to handle it or not.
Now I'm just... its just how it is, how it most likely going to be; ain't what I wanted in life but gotta make the best of it.

Artistic wise.. many experiments and improvements, I'm pleased with most of my art this year.
Excited to see how much further I can push my art style.. There will also be a lot of dragons.

Happy new year?
Spicy new year.

So

Since Wednesday I have lowered my antidepressants because of the heavy side effects I've had for a couple of years, shortly will I continue without them (Still have some different meds to use if having emotional spike).
Currently I've got more emotions than before which result in more art (Still sketching/working on lines, I'm getting better with staying focused) but I'll most likely receive a setback later.. maybe.

I'm not "cured" from depression, only reached the point were meds do more damage than good. Not being able to express myself and only building up more and more emotions I can never vent out wears me out. With some luck I've learned to cope with issues differently which will make me less vulnerable. Surely the past years been extremely rough for me but I'd never make it without getting forced into healthcare and put on meds.
I see my state more.. dormant.

Apart from this have I found a goal I'm working on (where to live) which I will keep moving forward towards, while the other challenge falls in; That I need to accept that I'll always be alone. It's not something to "hope you'll find someone" because the way I live my life, doesn't make it possible. I never been the type who rely on others, there's been too many issues or failed expectations, therefore I forced myself forward in life. Its nothing to pity for, its just how its supposed to be for me.

Spent some hours today removing heavier vents from the past to prevent getting constantly hammered by memories plus some of the past pictures were.. a slight too much.

Work wise its less exhausting since we had quite a swap out of people which means less unfair workload plus more people I get along with.

Art wise, as already mentioned; More emotions from me means more art, I'm holding strongly on to focus my art on emotions and expressions.
Bumping my CM:s a last time here because next year will my prices increase
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10363694/

One CM slots open!


Trello: https://trello.com/b/a5laSYyv/valyn.....ommission-list

Prices: https://docs.google.com/document/d/.....it?usp=sharing

ToS: https://docs.google.com/document/d/.....it?usp=sharing

Last year I said I had one goal, to treat myself better

And I've done it!
But in so many more ways than I expected it.. Quit the SH, went to dentist, started cooking -properly- and much more :>

The fight been rough, but I plan to continue for another year at least
:flex:

I only have one goal and that is to treat myself better

2019 have been very.. emotional.

but i made it through! I wouldn't have done it without my friends support and medication

thanks <3

This subject is too heavy for me after being through it myself.

Just because someone with depression is smiling doesn't it mean we're okay
Because there thoughts can hit when they're least expected, I never got any hints or anything.. Everything just build up quickly, some days it last for a few minutes, others hours.
Then it became too much.

Its hard to get over, all the thoughts.. memories, I still remember the day so clear.
How angry and upset I was, how willing I was, how pissed off I got when people trying to help me.
How careless I was when the blade crossed my skin.. How afraid I became after seeing what I've done..And when the police showed up later.

Hold those you love close, you never know when they can disappear.
I'm still around because people refuse to let me go, even if i wanted them to.. Something i regret deeply today.

Just seeing people I know puts me on thoughts, being constantly reminded of situations they asked me for something or got my help.. It wouldn't become a situation where they'd ask someone else.
It would be a situation of being reminded of I could have done it, but I'll never be able to again because I'd be gone.
It hurts, so much.

Getting help is hard, I know that far too well..
I dont think I'm the right one to tell who to do what but.. Check in with people, you don't need to ask how they are or what they're up to. Just..Listen to them.
Don't ignore those who begs for help, its having opposite effect.
I'm not saying drop your stuff and give them everything, but when its an emergency.. You can't tell.

I was asked about my address after earlier attempts and that's what saved me honestly, even if I said I would get help once I calmed down, I don't think I would and everything would've repeat itself, maybe just one more time before a "success"

So if you have someone you feel safe with, give out your number and address. Even if they live in another country, you can still help.
Plan something too if you can, promise to call, come over, do some video chat or game together.
Either same day or day after, whenever closest possible.
Because suicidal thoughts doesn't last forever, they come and go.
And having something exciting to look forward to is it easier to slip away from those dark thoughts.

I could have probably written this a lot better but again, its a very heavy subject for me.

I am happy to still be around, even if im scarred and damaged for life.
But that's okay.

Because I survived.