I am so sorry.... I just want to apologize in advance if I happen to appear unresponsive or lacking in activity. I'm in a very dark place right now and feel lost... and pretty shattered. I feel empty, as if I don't have anything left to grasp onto.

I'm hoping my therapy session I have this weekend will help me find a route out of this, but at the moment I feel so utterly hopeless. Part of me feels like I'm over-reacting, but at the same time... I feel like I can't be blamed for how I'm feeling at this time.

I'm trying so hard to meet my deadline with dwindling my owed art list down by the end of the month, but thanks to recent circumstances I feel as though it's going to be much harder. I really hate how my mood and negative thoughts effect my work ethic but when this happens I can't help but shut down completely, especially since I'm not on any medication to help me cope with this meltdown of sorts. I can't even draw a vent picture or something to cheer me up because I'm so far gone.

I'm at this point where this entire year has made me realize I don't really have much left and that there's really no point in continuing. I don't know what to do anymore or who to believe in or trust at this point. No one around me can help me or even handle me in my emotional state.

I feel like I have to leave, but I don't have anywhere else to go. I'm having to rehome my pets down to my cats bc I just feel so... . . .. just ...like I have to leave. Like I have to prepare for it. I don't know who to turn to anymore. Plus in my condition my high-maintenance pets are just going to end up neglected since I'm neglecting myself already and not taking care of myself like I should.

At this point I'm just...afraid. Afraid to open up. Afraid to be happy again. Afraid to even attempt because it seems once everything is good, it just gets ruined all over again and I find myself in the same dark place as before... like I belong here or something.

Just wanted to post one last final reminder for my King Hyena auctions I have going. I also want to thank everyone who's signal boosted them as well so far, it's helping so much. Thank you all so much and I also appreciate all the new watches that have spurred from this too. ;;

There's only three hours left on these guys, with one left at a low bid of $65, Grab them while you can!

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/18461385/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/18461422/

Just wanted to post a journal to announce I'm going to be posting up a couple of adoptables this week. Here's why:

- I've got a car payment to take care of asap. It was due on the 8th. I'd rather not relive the nightmare of having my car swiped away from me in the middle of the night and having to pay a huge extra whopping fee to get it back.

- Phone/internet bill, pretty straight forward.

- Uhaul decided to nuke my account with damages from the uhaul I rented when I moved to Texas that got caught in my car explosion earlier this summer.... apparently my claim didn't go over so well, so they just went ahead and deducted a whopping amount of $1500+ from my account and wiped out everything I had in there for the month to help with bills and necessities. So, yeah. Kinda need to at least recover some of that back. I'm not looking to get it /all/ back, but something for groceries and food for the animals would be ideal.

- I'm trying to use doing these as a reward system for getting owed things done. So after this batch, the rest of adopts I do this month will be going towards a holiday trip I'm trying to plan for myself and  Manlychan since we can't spend the holidays with relatives or anything. Not only do we want to visit friends for the holidays, but he's in need of help getting to his doctor up there to get a refill on his medication. They won't prescribe him anymore until he gets a check up first (which is impossible rn bc we're all the way in Texas, his usual clinic is in PA). So I'm trying to make this happen so his condition won't get any worse than it already is. There isn't a doctor around here he can see that isn't hours away. 8/ So I figured since we're trying to get to Philly, we might as well stop there to see his usual doctor.

That's all, just posting this to put that out there. I'll be posting some adopts to auction off shortly.

Saw this floating around... just want to fill it out for fun and calm some rampant thoughts of mine before they have the possibility of making a sour turn. Have a read if you like~

<sup>Name: Ash
Nickname: Vani, Usopp/Usoppu
Location: Fort Worth, TX
Age: 25
Height: 5'5 and a half
Zodiac sign: Aries
Any pets?: Four... two cats, a himalayan mix and a persian by the names of Esmeralda and Pascal. A Scottish Terrier pup by the name of Sanji (yes), and a hedgehog that I call Shadow.
Fun fact: I don't know but ever since I worked for Netflix for a little while I think they forgot about me when I left because I still get it for free and it's been a couple of months now since I've had to pay for it.


Identity, Sexuality & Personality

Gender identity: Genderfluid
Sexual orientation: Been thinking about this a lot lately. I've been bordering on a crazy mix of Pansexual/Demisexual/Poly for a bit now. I've been fancying the idea of a poly relationship if I ever stumbled into someone else who's on the same page as me and can become someone I can dub as a very close friend.
Romantic preference: Anyone who can offer loads of mental stimulation, but basically Panromantic.
"Kinsey Scale" score: D3
Relationship status: Single with an extremely casual open relationship of sorts.
Myers/Briggs type: INTP-T

Routine

"Early Bird" or "Night Owl": Night owl, I'm only productive at 3 am and it's the worst.
Bath or shower: Shower... but if I had a large bath tub?? I'd take a long soak in the tub every day.
First thought in the morning: "what year is it"
Last thought before falling asleep at night: something gay most likely


School/Work

Do you work or are you a student: I don't do anything rn. I graduated two years ago and now I'm working towards the freelance thing.
What do you do well: I have extremely good memorization skills... this is the only reason why I excelled at academic type things.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years: aauuu g ghhhh hopefully with better credit and in a better place all together. Mentally, emotionally and physically.


Habits (Do You...?)

Drink: It's only a habit when I'm having depressive episodes.. but yeah kinda?? I'm a pansy and can only do sweet drinks though. Can't do the heavy stuff.
Smoke: Nope
Do drugs: Nah
Exercise: Do my walks with my dog count..? We circle our entire apartment complex while I get lost in thought.
Have a go-to comfort food: Dark chocolate almonds, grapes, donuts and cookies.
Have a nervous habit: I shake my leg a lot or I do this great thing!! Where I'll shut down and just curl up on the couch until the tight feeling in my chest goes away.


What is your favorite…?

Physical quality (in yourself): I have Really Good Skin that's great at recovering from stuff like being out in the sun too much. I also don't break out a lot so that's.. great. Also the way my body is proportioned....I'm chubby but it's not all in one place, it's equal everywhere.
In Others: EYEBROWS, jawlines, eyes... and their voice. The one thing I will fall in love with in other people is the way they talk. I become attached to voices.
Mental/emotional quality (in yourself): I'm really good at rationalizing my emotions and opting for logic instead of going with how I feel. Of course, after a while of pattering my thoughts and feelings around to sort them.
Food: Chinese food, Italian Food, Japanese Food... and... really good quiches... like.. Sausage Quiche. I love it.
Drink: loads and loads of tea, usually White, Chai or Flavored Herbals. Also...Dr.Pepper.
Animal: Canines, Big Cats, Mustelids, Rams/Sheep, and for some reason I really love Gypsy Vanner Horses....
Artist/Band/Group: Does Various Artists count
Author/Poet: Don't have one tbh..
TV Show: Steven Universe is the only "tv show" I seem to be interested in lately, I usually stream anime and junk haha..
Actor/Actress: Kappei Yamaguchi is defs a favorite since he's Usopp and all haha.</sup>

Just want to give a heads up that I may not be streaming for the next couple of days to playing catch up with my queue. I'd definitely like to knock a few out due to down time I took for the recent holidays. Sorry to those who were probably looking forward to it, but I'm definitely feeling a bit too withdrawn to stream haha. However I'm sure once I'm in a better place, I'll stream the lingering sketch comms and some bigger illustration commissions that I'm about to start blocking out. I just mostly wanna knock out a good chunk of my sketch based stuff so I can have more time to spend on my larger commissions. Hope that's understandable~ I had some irl stuff happen recently that's just made me want to be by myself for a few days, including online, to just work on stuff in solitude and recharge.

I just had to decide to stream when the site goes down huh? Well it's back up!

https://picarto.tv/VaniKun

Stream is up for tonight! Starting some winter icons from scratch and finishing up the coloring on a badge!

https://picarto.tv/VaniKun

Hey, I just wanted to make a post regarding the very sad lack of productivity, it seems as though seasonal depression is hitting hard! But thanks to me being introduced to the idea of multi-streaming with other artists my production levels have picked up exceedingly well. It's been a while since I've felt this and the streaming is definitely helping.

I wanted to let my commissioners know that with this new plan of streaming regularly, I'm placing stream dates next to those who see their names on my current in-progress lists on my Trello. Note that most will probably have TBA since I don't want to go too crazy with marking down dates way in advance, so I'll probably update it daily or a day in advance depending on who I'm ready to get to next.

I'm hoping this will help with reaching my goal by the end of the year of finishing everything, but so far I feel pretty great about how things are going so far in terms of productivity.

Just wanted to post and say that my stream is still up! Finishing up one more commission before bed time, feel free to join~

https://picarto.tv/VaniKun

Sorry for the delay, I was installing a new broadcasting program since photoshop wasn't showing on my current one! But I'm live, I'll keep it up for the rest of the evening.

https://picarto.tv/VaniKun

I had a really good friend of mine inspire me to start streaming with Picarto.tv, so I finally made an account and I'll be multi-streaming with other artists to pump up my motivation levels. So I wanted to leave the link here for those of you who'd like to follow!

https://picarto.tv/VaniKun

I'm about to open this up in a few and stream until I go to bed, I'm working on a gift for  Anuvia for helping me with getting a new cord for my tablet and then I'll be starting a few comms. :3 (All done for tonight)

Also, anyone who's interested in multi-streaming with me, let me know!! I love having someone to draw with, it really gets me going when it comes to production levels!! Just drop me a note here or on twitter.

Just posting a journal as a last reminder about my auction I put up for an old OC of mine that's ending at Midnight, EST. That's in the next two hours!

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/18090680/

Also, is anyone going to Furapocalpyse this weekend? A couple of friends invited me and helped me get over here, so I'm attending this weekend! If anyone wants to meet up, just let me know. I don't know anyone too super personally here haha...hoping to change that though.

Hey so, I just wanted to make a separate journal as a quick thank you to everyone who's taken a moment to come around and leave a message, send a note, email or even find me on my more personal messengers to give me a word of encouragement and speak with me regarding getting everything back on track with my art. It really means a lot and I apologize if this seems a bit late. It seems as though lately a lot of social stuff just kinda... drains me easily? I hope that makes sense, but I kind of absorbed all of this feedback and it overwhelmed me. (In a good way! It was the kind of reassurance I always appreciate more than anything else.)

I've replied to everyone who has messaged me privately, but I would still like to reply to the messages left on my last journal! A lot of you really surprised me with your kind notes and advice, I don't want that to go unappreciated or make it come off that way at all. It just seems as those these days I take a bit of time to leave a thorough reply instead of just instantly blurting out what comes to mind first, you know? Idk haha. Not only that, but I've spent the past week resetting my sleep schedule so I can get a decent art routine going that won't keep me up until 10 in the morning.

Anyway, I'll be posting some here again shortly, just finishing up a few things. :'3 But I definitely wanting to put this out here. Leaving everyone lingering for a few days has been kind of putting me on kind of a edge.

Hello...I'm not quite too sure how to begin with explaining my disappearance from this place.., but I ask that you bare with me, I just want to be heard out and be as open and honest as I possibly can at this time. I'm fully aware it's been quite some time, a lot of it being my own fault for taking off when things got way too stressful..along with also being afraid to reach out when I really needed to, but a good portion of it was also not necessarily under my control as well which I would like to address. Especially so after things went a bit downhill for me shortly after I graduated from college.

It took me a while to come to this decision to come back here and explain myself, even now, I'm trying to fight my anxiety over this. I've been meaning to post this journal since...well over a month ago when I was encouraged to make this move... but I've been having a hard time overcoming the fact that when I come on here, I feel like my chest is going to burst. I do hope most of you are willing to listen to what I have to say. I know it's going to be very long since I have a lot of explaining to do, but, I will be mindful of those who aren't fans of reading long winding details and rambling (which I tend to do when I'm anxious like this), summarize things a bit and link to the full version of this journal for those who do want to give it a read over.

First of all, I want to be upfront and say I'm sorry. I messed up big time. I'm aware I've let a lot of you down with my poor choices and performance in delivering art, communicating and being punctual. I've hardly shown much of a shred of professionalism to you all. A couple of years back, I was still in a very...childish mindset, for lack of a better term. I didn't like being told what to do, I didn't like being spoken down to and had a hard time accepting any kind of criticism and owning up to my mistakes. I was still a fresh baby in college, finally away from their parents and all who wanted to do things their own way. So it was pretty tough trying to reason with me at that time!! I know. I look back and want to strangle myself for the position I put myself and reputation in. They always say that it's best to leave types like myself to face experiences that will hopefully straighten them out for good... and I can say that I've had my fair share during my absence. Not to say this fair share of karma has made me into a perfect person of sorts, but, it's made me sit down and think for once and maybe start learning from my mistakes.

Here are some important points I'd like to summarize that's in my lengthy story of sorts:

- I want to assure that my sudden come back of sorts doesn't mean I'm about to up and start accepting new commissions in large amounts right away in a hurried fashion. I want to be practical and smart about this decision I've made and take one thing at a time. Finishing old owed art is my top priority as of now since time has allowed it for me finally. You can see my queue and progress here: https://trello.com/b/dU3cUcEA/full-.....ue-and-updates

- I've been away due mostly to a series of unpleasant living situations that caused me to be homeless for quite some time (well over a year and some), one situation which involved an illegal eviction of sorts. I've been staying with friends who were generous enough to keep me, however, this meant I did go without computer access for quite some time since my belongings remained packed up and in storage the majority of the time. I didn't gain access to my computer again until earlier this year when I returned to Florida after having moved to Philadelphia for a while. I do have my own apartment now, finally, after everything has happened. I recently relocated to Ft. Worth, TX earlier this summer. I also encountered a car accident that has me in a hole right now, more details can be found in the full version.

- I'm fully aware that regardless of these events I've described, I know this doesn't excuse my terrible professionalism with not completing owed art, leaving people's messages unanswered, and running off prior to all of these "god awful" things happening to me. Anxiety is a terrible thing, but I do know I can't use it as an excuse or shield forever. I need to make steps to coming to qualms with it and do the right thing.

- I am looking to own up to the mistakes I've made and I'm aware that I can't make everyone happy. People are going to be angry with me and I understand what I've done is not okay. Those who are angry with me have a perfectly good, valid reason to be upset with me. What matters now is that I stick to my word and make the proper compromises, along with actually carrying out my promises that I make. I'm not looking for forgiveness, no one has to give that to me.

- My goal is to make doing art and freelance work a full-time job to support myself, after owning up to my mistakes of course. I want to turn my reputation around that I sabotaged with my own faults. I will be addressing changes I'm looking to make regarding how I accept and execute commissions now in a separate journal. I'll be proposing a new TOS, price changes, payment options and deadlines. I am pretty serious about this, I did quit my job recently to focus on this and get the ball rolling. You can read why I quit and made this decision in the full version of this journal.

- Due to my very lengthy time of not doing art and being unable to, I am quite rusty. I can't produce art as quickly as I was able to before...and as I would like. It is something I am looking to improve on and get better with. I'm hoping to accomplish this with my queue and any art I do in between. Because of this, I'm setting a deadline for finishing up my queue by... no later than December of this year.

- Because I'm focusing on my queue, but also have to find a means to support myself in terms of taking care of overdue bills and everything else, I will be looking to find a way to raise money to go towards monthly rent, my car payments and such. This means I'll be considering 2-3 YCHs a month (depending on how well they do?), posting a few design auctions... etc. Basically anything I can do to bypass taking a hefty amount of commission work on top of what I already owe. If anything, I'll accept quick types of commissions such as icons, sketches, etc. Something quick and stress free and I know can be done in just a day's amount of time. but these slots will be very limited.

- If anyone wants to have a word with me in private, please feel free to reach out to me on here, add me on skype @ itsmapletime, telegram @ sogaykingu, or email at stripesandteeth@gmail.com. You're also more than welcome to add me on twitter: https://twitter.com/AshKetchumSays

- I will be uploading more recent art and a couple of completed commissions shortly, I'm just still getting it all put together to upload. Expect an uploading spree very soon. I promise.

- I am looking for advice on making art a full-time job to support myself, if anyone has any advice I would love to hear it. I know this is going to be easy, but I am willing to do what I can and need to do to make this work out.

Those were the most important points I covered heavily in detail in the full version of this journal, you can find it in full here if anyone is interested in reading: http://stripesandteeth.livejournal.com/5936.html


In conclusion, I'm very happy with the decision to come back and be active in fandom. I'm not looking to run or hide again, I don't have too much of a reason to these days. Anything that happens here on out, I'm looking to face head on and take care of in a responsible fashion. I look forward to sharing my art here again with you all.

So as I predicted, some things came up. Because I was sick, I wasn't able to get some stuff done for class and my teach is being cool enough to let me get caught up on that. So I'm gonna be doing that so it won't interfere with our current assignment.

After that, I gotta go head to head with an illustration assignment of mine that's due this Tuesday. Not only that, but unfortunately when I went shopping with a voucher for supplies the other day, the campus store didn't have everything I need to get going on badges this weekend...was kind of looking forward to getting myself a nice set of Faber Castell colored pencils and a decent set of copic markers haha. So I gotta wait until I can go to the local art store here and get it. And for some reason they definitely didn't have any calendars for me to get. Idk why, it's kind of dumb. You'd think a college campus store would have that kind of thing?

I want a nice dry erase board calendar you know?? Eh, I'd go and get it from Walmart, but I'm pretty much broke at the moment until my parents cut some of the check to send to me this week. Happily broke though...the last of my funds went to a birthday gift of sorts for someone.

Eh, so I'm gonna at least make up for that and do some digital/sketch commissions instead. So look out for those, I'll try fitting in 1-2 as a break from working on my assignment. Maybe more, we'll see.

Hello all, I'm here to just give the basic update for plans to schedule commissions during my school year.

The plan is to schedule small work loads for weekends over the course of a month, so new scheduling will be done on a monthly basis now. This is basically just to set aside time to sit down and get chunks done on weekends after classes for the week.

We were assigned studio space this year, and I am hoping to not only use it for traditional media assignments or work, but to actually go and finish commission work there as well on weekends. Even if it's just planned work like sketching that needs to be done for bigger commissions. I feel as though it is my best option, since I do tend to work better on things that need to be done outside of my apartment and I would also be free of distractions.

I will be getting a large calendar for my space to mark down my schedule for each month so I can cross things off accordingly. Each month, I'll be providing you all visuals of said calendar so you can see where you lie in my schedule. If things are subject to change, I will immediately let you know and adjust my schedule accordingly.

I should be setting my space up this weekend. So I should be ready to go pretty soon, granted, if nothing in my classes come up. But I will try my best to see that I can start tomorrow, depending on how long it takes to set up and all.

If you have any questions or concerns, please contact me at ajeffers[at]c.ringling.edu and I will gladly talk with you if you want to know further details.

Thanks.

...I could of sworn I typed up a journal saying that like 30 or so minutes ago, geez. Chrome get it together.

Well yeah, auction's over pretty much haha. Thanks for the biddings and earnings! It really helped a lot with what I'm trying to put money aside for. Not only that, but freed up some time for the weekend so I only have to do one livestream session instead of two haha. Now I actually have time to clean before my friend gets here and pack for Thursday. xD

Just updating to say that both of my auctions for the Bird Foxes will be over in 3 hours, as it is going on 9 pm here at my time. So idk, place your final bids in the mean time if you're planning to and keep an eye out on the time. I'll update when it's over!

Thanks to being awakened by fedex delivering my contacts this morning and these seemingly neverending tweets about Otakon from my roommate, I decided to crawl out of bed since I can no longer go back to sleep haha. I can sense a nap in my future.

Anyways, I updated the bids on that Bird Fox auction! :D It ends tonight at 12 am EST. Good luck everyone and thanks for the bids so far!

Thanks for the advice on my last journal you guys, I really appreciate every last bit of it. I slept on it last night and came to a decision when I woke up to just finally let her go. I won't go into every little detail, but every time I talk to people about Jess, that was what we called her, uh...it was always the same thing being said each time. She's horrible, terrible, a huge bitch, etc. I was always very defensive of her, took her side and all. Jumped down anyone's throat who had anything bad to say about her mostly because I saw a lot of my mistakes in her. So I thought I could be the one to change her finally since behind her tough exterior and bitchy nature...I sensed someone who was really insecure and fragile, just like myself. So that's why I always felt the need to stand up for her.

Though I can see how she just, saw that and took complete advantage of that. Took advantage of the fact that she knew that all she had to do was call my name and act like she cared to have me come running to her like some helpless puppy. I pretty much followed her around like one too. (There were always late nights where she'd post something on FB or skype me all like "I'm really lonely and upset, we should get IHOP or something. And surely enough I'd come running to her side. Take note that she doesn't live anywhere close to me. I live in Sarasota, she lives in Brandon. They're an hour apart, yet I had no problem always driving to see her. That's where all of my money went half of the time.)

She knew I was one of those people who are hard to get close to, and that I have a bit of a status. She's right, it's not easy for me to let people in. It's hard for me to get attached to someone and actually seem as though I care, and when I do pretty much give everything. I give my heart. Because with me I'm either 100% interested or nothing at all. There's never an inbetween with me. So for her I gave everything.

So when things went wrong, things took a turn for the worst, I felt like I had nothing left. When she didn't seem to care I felt like no one did. She was pretty much the reason why I took the low plunge like I did back in April. I felt like it was all over and I had no one else left. She was the only person that I was happy around, and when I wasn't with her I felt empty. So I guess she realized that and dropped me for good I suppose. Idk. I guess it was too overbearing for her, but everyone knows the way she had been treating me was what was worsening my depression over time. Not even just my friends noticed, but my teachers did too. When took that plunge in April, it was around finals and I was actually excused from them completely because my teachers knew it was an ongoing thing. They just wished for the best because they saw how I came in everyday, looking miserable, seeming as though I had nothing else to live for.

That sounds a bit too melodramatic, eh? Well, it was bad. My roommate was the one who saw the worst of it though and why he hates Jess's guts. More than that really, he doesn't hate people but he hates her. For what she put me through. He was the one that found me about to collaspe from all the meds and rushed me to the hospital that night. I remember that stay all too well...I remember it making me so angry for realizing what she did to me, to make me stoop so low to end myself and all. I remember wanting to jump her when I saw her, to finally put her in her place, to finally be that person to tear her down since no one else she's done this to hasn't and just left her to continue to do it to others. My roommate told me I had the power to do that, I had a following who cared. Not just online, but here in FL and the cons we go to.

But no...I was too soft...I'm a firm believer in second chances. I was like "No, let her come to me and apologize. I'll be hard on her and probably still tear her in half, but I'll be giving her a chance to apologize and start on a clean slate after I get her to realize what she did."

But no.

She never came. Never spoke to me. Nothing.

She tried once to talk to me and act as if nothing happened, but she could tell I wasn't happy about that and just gave up. I actually treated her like "everyone else" instead of how I normally treated her. "Don't like that, do you?" I always thought to myself, hoping if I kept it up she'd finally apologize.

Guess not though.

So I decided to finally cut her off today. Deleted all of her messages, contact info, everything.

BLOCKED

DEFRIENDED

UNFOLLOWED

UNINVITED FROM MY SEVENTH BIRTHDAY PARTY

also a coupon to curves because UR FAT.

etc. Now I just gotta order 50 pizzas with no cheese to her house.

No I'm kidding. Part of me still wants to unleash my undying wrath upon her, but I'll let that happen on it's own. I guess. I just know from now on if people ask me about her I will not hesitate to give my honest opinion.

Sigh...I just. Idk. I felt like she was a lot like me. I know when I've made a huge mistake, it takes me a while to realize what I've done until I let my pride come down. We're a lot alike, us being both aries and what not. (forgive me I'm such an astrology nerd.) But after a while guilt starts to flow through and I own up to what I did and apologize. Forget and forgive, move on. However she's the type to not want to admit her problems, thus she locks them all away and suffers constantly from not letting anyone in and being honest with people.

I thought that maybe...just maybe, she'd finally own up to what happened. That's all I wanted and I just wanted to know everything was going to be okay between us. After all that happened, I couldn't see myself treating her as I did before. Though with her being like she is, I know she's pretty terrified that if she amended things that vicious cycle would have started again.

Ah well, if she wants to apologize when she realizes I just cut her from my life, she can face me at AFO. I won't get my hopes up though.

The only thing I regret is just not being able to get my STUFF BACK ugh hgsd fucking shit, my Prussia figure that usually costs like...$60 online. Fuck. I gave it to her because she was my cosplay partner and she was my Prussia to my Canada. It hurts, but...I'll find a better one in the mean time...and possibly get a new figure one day.

Welp. I

it's over. Even though I'm sitting here in the dark crying my eyes out. Hopefully things will change for the better. Though after all of this I'm pretty much afraid to get attached to anyone anymore. I've noticed because I'm just so standoffish with anyone now. Too suspicious and my trust issues are more horrible than before. I know I get frustrated and start crying when I feel really happy around Rae. I fight it and try not to let it get out of hand, only to feel terrible later. Rae's nothing like Jess, unlike Jess, Rae actually gives a shit. Hell, she was the first to get in contact with me after my hospital visit and sat on the phone with me for hours just crying her eyes out about how she was scared that I had died or something and wasn't sure what she would have done if she lost me. However, because of that, it's earned her a golden ticket to my heart. No one's ever done that before. No one's ever...cried about me because they thought they were going to lose me. At least not that I know of.

But, you see. I'm afraid of having feelings for her because I don't want our relationship to be ruined and trashed like mine and Jess's...So I'm constantly fighting back my feelings. It hurts, but I feel like I have to.

So eh.

I just hope things get better soon. I'm tired of being upset over this. I've been upset over the same thing for 8 or so months now.

I feel like this is the only place I can actually talk about this haha.

So lately I've been wanting to patch things up with...I guess a former close friend of mine. We had a bit of a fiasco that kind of severed our friendship back in April that did more damage than I intended. You could say it was the last straw that made me realize that she didn't care about me as much as I had cared about her and hoped for. Long story short, the last straw was kind of severe and hit me at a horrible time full of anxiety and stress and well I may or may not of had a bit of a breakdown, overdosed on my antidepressants and was sent to the hospital that night to stay for a few days to be baker act'd. This made a lot of people angry with her. My parents weren't too happy either. My mom even came all the way down from AL just to visit me.

After the hospital stay, I was hoping to finally talk things out...but only to be blown off by her lame excuses and for her to be snappy with me, saying that whatever she had to say would only upset me...so she didn't say anything. Now it's been about three months since we haven't been on the best of speaking terms. I've been waiting for her to come to me since apparently she hates confrontation and she avoids stuff that stress her out, kind of like what I do as well. So that's why I've been waiting for so long...but my patience is growing very thin and my respect for her goes down even more as the days go on. Since I see her on FB and Tumblr going on with her life and not seeming to notice this problem that's just...kind of like a dog took a shit on the floor and no one bothered to pick it up.

I've been wanting to go...apologize for everything, but I actually don't have anything to apologize for? The only thing I can really say is sorry for getting attached to you and trying to be your friend. Everyone thinks she took complete advantage of me since I always took her places and took her out to eat and what not. Not only that, but a lot of my money went to her too. She knew I had a crush on her for a while, so she used that her advantage pretty hardcore until she decided to toss me aside when she liked some guy. Idk, I wholeheartedly agree now with what she did...and recognize that I was pretty much her doormat, but at the same time...idk, I just feel bad about making her uncomfortable and just want things to go back like they used to be. I miss talking and hanging out with her. I always check FB and scroll my feed subconsciously wondering what she's up to.

I...all of my friends here would say it's a bad idea, but it's been months now of me trying to move on and it's been very difficult to let go. Even after all that's happened between us, I still care about her.

So what I'm saying is, this problem of ours hasn't been resolved because of this...clash of prides I guess. I feel like I shouldn't be apologizing after everything she's done and she probably doesn't think she should apologize because she probably doesn't think this is her fault. She's probably blaming this on me for all I know.

I just really want to have a good time at AFO that's coming up. My best friend, Rae, that I mentioned in my last journal...well, we, as in my friend I'm having this problem with and myself, kind of met Rae at the same time at a con back in December. She's finally coming back to visit and I'm super stoked. I don't want Rae to feel awkward since we're not on the best of speaking terms and when she met us we both hung out with her. I just...augh... the tension. That's what I'm trying to diminish. I can already tell now that my possessive nature is going to kick in and I'm gonna be Rae's watch dog and get jealous and angry whenever she goes near her since I feel like Rae is all I have right now. I don't want that...I just kind of want harmony again I guess. Between all of us. Which is why I just really want to patch things up even though I shouldn't be the one saying sorry.


what do

I just checked the calendar today and had a "oh fuck" moment because AFO is in 11 days or so. So that means I need to start cracking down and finishing up preparations for my artist alley table. Especially since my best friend from Colorado will be coming to stay with me the week of AFO. I get so distracted when I have company, so I need to get as much done as possible before she gets here.

Here's my schedule for commissions.

This week I will try my best to finish up the last icon commissions I have. I have four left, hopefully they won't take too long. Today and tomorrow I'll be working on some mandatory merchandise I wanted made in time for AFO. So on Monday I'll get started and try to have them done within the week, most likely on Tuesday or Wednesday so I can have the rest of the week for merch. I will try my best to stick to that and hope I don't get stressed out, it's normal for that to happen during crunch time before a con. It happened for Metrocon and I about died after it was all over. Took me a while to pull myself together.

I decided not to go to Megaplex, so that Thursday or Friday, or possibly both, will be dedicated to some short livestream commission sessions I would like to do to put some money aside for things I need to get done before the con. Like..getting my license reinstated haha. That's one of the reasons why I decided not to go to Megaplex because apparently you need an ID to get a badge. So that's an out for me.

Prices will range from $15-$35 for sketches and sketches with color. I'll probably only do 3-4 slots for both sessions.

Also, I will be posting another round of character auctions sometime soon as well. I'm wondering if I should do the snow leopards again or possibly give away some of my old characters. Either way, keep an eye out for those of you who missed the last round. Suggestions are welcome.

After AFO, my friend will be staying with me for a few days. I'm not too sure how long, but she said she wanted to spend some time with me before she had to go back..which I'm all for since she happens to my favorite person in the world. So there will be delays that week too.

So what I'm saying is, after this is all over and my friend has gone home, everything should start to pick up again. Once icons are done with, my next batch to start on will be the badges I owe. C: Which I'm excited for because when I was cleaning up I found all the scrapbook paper I bought to use for them. I forgot all about it heh.

Thank you all for being so patient with me so far btw, I really appreciate it. If any of you who are waiting on things need to contact me during this time, feel free to drop me a note here, DM me on twitter or bother me on tumblr. I'm always on tumblr haha.

Speaking of which, if any of you are interested in my merchandise I will be making a sales post tomorrow. I'll have some Avengers, Pokemon, Legend of Korra and MLP stuff for sale. You can follow me on tumblr to keep an eye out!

https://www.stripesandteeth.tumblr.com

It's this weekend and some friends of mine need a ride up to Orlando, so they're giving me the gas money to take them on Wednesday. Uhhh if I can find somewhere to crash until the weekend I may consider going. :Ua Only if it's within my budget to do so...that and if I find somewhere to stay haha. if I can't I might go for a day. Idk, just thinking about it. Something is telling me not to go because I'm super busy with stuff to do for AFO, but part of me wants to go really badly haha.

It's got like..less than 15 minutes as I type. So place your last bids and I'll announce the winners!

I wasn't expecting such a turn out like this. C: When I'm done with my last few icon commissions I need to finish up I'll consider doing another round.

There's only one that hasn't had a bid placed on yet, so if anyone wants it after the auction's over for a set price of $5, feel free to inquire~

Sorry for the delays with art and everything! I had a job interview on Wednesday...then after that I made the bad decision to visit some friends of mine, which led to me apologizing to a friend I had some issues with. We made up, she ended up coming back to my apartment for the next few days and then we went to Orlando Anime Day..which was a bust for me. Pff.

I just got back from taking her home, so now I can get back to working on art finally. xD You should see some stuff popping up soon.