It's been a while I disappeared from here due to rather harsh mental condition. I can say it was one of the most severe episodes i ever had. Maybe not that many people follow me and watch my art, but still I want to tell you about that.

It's not the first time I go away like that. This time it was so unbearable I went to psychiatrist and got quite an unexpected diagnosis. It's a strange feeling, I have bipolar friends, but never thought I can be the same. Though looking back it was so obvious! The episodes of being unable to do basic selfcare changing to the times I work without rest, without sleep. None of these episodes are good tho, any of them make me regret about everything I've done, even if I was productive.
For the last 2 (??) months I had a mixed one. For me it's the condition when my thoughts go so crazy into depression to the point it's the literal psychosis, but at the same time I'm filled with the power and physically have no limits. The consequences are unpredictable, like, I can do anything including doing all the dark things appearing in my head. Besides that, I also got the treatment plan for PTSD+anxiety, but they actually go all together and it's not that important to differ them, treatment goes for symptoms. Gladly I have money now and the meds should be working. There I want to thank everybody who commissioned me, the payments I got literally saved me this week!

It will be a while I'll get used to the meds. They give some side effects when you start. But I slept so well today and there were no bright nightmares of violent actions towards me. My hands are shaking a bit and there is a slight fog in my head, but I already feel SO calm and stable comparing to the past.

I now understand my art more. Looking back I see how I was hoppin in the moods, how I represented this in art. The doctor said I did a great thing drawing art to distract myself and revealing this emotions in vent. I'm going to find some more hobbies that make me calmer. Of course I also have to find a therapist or psychologist idk, just to make the traumas easier to live with.

This post if not for someone to be pity for me or anything like that. I did quite a lot of awful things while being irritated or destructive (and self-destructive). But now I kinda feel proud I finally started to solve my problems. I'm going to being inactive for some time else, because of the meds, but the raffle results will be on time and when I feel better I start drawing again, I hope I will make posting process stable and finally become the artist I wanted to be.