Last journal 8 years ago, geez. How much things have changed since then. I’m completely different. I’m exactly the same.

I’ve been burnt out on art since 2019. Severe burnout. I stopped taking commissions, was unable to ship things, couldn’t keep up with responsibilities. I still can’t, but I’m working on it. I worked retail for a couple years, something I thought would never happen again, I was set on my career path as an artist! But it was pretty fun, I worked at a spice shop.

I’ve been making art in Procreate, mostly loose, for fun pieces, where I’m not as concerned with the perfection and toxic inner criticism that led to burn out. So I’ll be uploading a mixture of pre-burnout art, sometimes with my old name on it, and newer explorative art, with my new Æ signature. Unless I forget to sign it, that hasn’t changed.

I chose Æmber Fish as a new name. The letter æ, ash, is a symbolic burning my old name. I generally go by Fish, and Vantid and Æmber is just fine.

I also make incense now! This is another reason behind my name. Handcrafting incense from resins, roots, barks, and leaves is my happy place, and someday I’d love to get around to selling it. But I’m still not there yet.

I’m taking small steps, and very slowly reemerging.

Wandering mostly in Beijing, actually!

We've been in China for almost a week now. We hopped from Beijing to 440 miles out of the city to the ancient walled city of Pingyao to the capital of the Shanxi province, Taiyuan. So far it's been an incredible trip with mind blowing magical experiences, new friends, cultural immersion, and delicious food. We are forever ruined for American "Chinese" food!! We've figured out the subway system, rode the high speed train, and have enjoyed the very fluid traffic system. Most road signs seem to be vague suggestions to drivers, cyclists, and pedestrians alike and everyone slides by with barely an inch to spare between.

It's been interesting going without any of our usual Internet access. Twitter, facebook, tumblr, gmail, and so much more doesn't work behind the great firewall of China, yet Furaffinity loads with blazing speed. Huh!

For the rest of the trip were staying in a hutong home. Hutongs are old old alleys or narrow streets with homes spidering off from even more narrow walkways. Buildings lean over you, clothes hang on wires, a patio is a few square feet with a small square of sky above...and somehow almost silent despite being in the middle of a gargantuan city.

Im loving this country. :3

Healing is coming along ok. Range of movement is still limited, achy, and weak. BUT I'm able to draw almost as much as before. I have a cool scar, even if it's hypersensitive. This will be my last update about my wrost since it's coming along ok.

I've been keeping very busy with my backlog of commissions, personal projects, and dabbling in comics. Comics! FINALLY! ...what am I doing. I may not upload much, but I am working a lot. See my twitter vantidart for some more regular updates.

I will be at TFF next weekend, taking fun badge commissions with Mitti! No other sorts of commissions, keeps the pressure off my wrist. I'll be sitting between them and Guest of Honor Laura Garabedian!

I look forward to saying hello to those who come by, for the rest of ya'll, take care!

My cast came off last Friday! My wrist is pretty damn stiff; I have only a small amount of movement but it's slowly, slowly returning. I can draw ok, not for long, and with no finesse. Initial recovery is estimated 6-8 weeks, full recovery, a year.

That said!

I will be at FC this weekend! You could come say hi and see what I have to offer. I have many things for sale. I can't take commissions, shake hands, or sign anything. Boo!! But I'm always happy to say hello and chat about tea or travel or art or chickens.

See some of you there! <3

I slipped on ice and crunched my drawin' wrist up good!

Details n photos here: http://vantid.tumblr.com/post/13408.....elf-man-i-just

Thank goodness I already have vacation planned for December! Now it will just be...extended. Erf!

I just wanted to blast my last journal off my page; it's been a year already since I made that?? How is that even possible.

Life is pretty good right now. Keepin' busy with a side of busy sauce and looking forward to some splendid downtime in December.

If you'd like to see what I'm up to in general, follow me on twitter: https://twitter.com/Vantidart

How're you guys?

This post has to do with my sexual health. If this makes you uncomfortable, I understand. Just stop reading here and enjoy some art! c:

I've been putting this off for a while, and as spring became summer, and summer went down in a flame of glorious autumnal leaves, and now winter has set in with a blanket of snow, extinguishing the riot of colors from the previous season, life keeps happening. I fail to update much about it, although I am more active on my Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr.

The touchiest subject, for me, is discussing the follow up on the surgery (What surgery? See here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5654109/). Sadly, it didn't work. Attempting to consummate our marriage just ended in tears. Several times. My situation has fallen into the 10% of cases that need a second surgery.

I'm very sad about this but I remain hopeful! Round 2 is not supposed to be as bad as the first, especially the stitches. Having the stitches pulled was the most painful experience of my life. Ugh. I still have bad dreams about it. On the upside, Percocet sure is nice!

Once again, this is very difficult for me to share, but I started it and I feel I should finish it. I have received a few messages regarding my first journal about the subject, and I hope so hard to help other women suffering through any sort of pelvic pain. Ladies, it's not normal, it's not your fault, and it's NOT in your head. God knows I didn't become sexually active thinking "LoL this is gonna be so painful that it's going to ruin most all my relationships YOLO." It sounds utterly ridiculous, but there are many doctors out there that dismiss women's pain. I won't go into it more, I get mad and ranty.

SO! Anyway. Tomorrow morning we're off to the hospital so I can get sliced and stitched, again. Between the recovery and the Holidays, the rest of my year is pretty shot.

As before, feel free to ask me questions and I will answer as best I can. Email me if you like. However, please don't speculate about my private life, or suggest I try this or that.

HEY all, I'm looking to buy Deco Blue Prismacolor Pencils from anyone who might not want them anymore. They were discontinued some years back and I am finally running out of my stockpile. It's one of my staple pencils that I always reach for and I will be very sad when I am finally out.

Just thought I'd try here! Thanks, ya'll.

Yesterday's surgery couldn't have gone any better!

I remember being wheeled into the operating room and chatting with the nurses and assistants, and then listening to my heart beat on the machine. I recall no warning that I was going under! Next thing I knew I was awake and ravenous. And I would have loved to pee, but they made me wait. I was ready to go home within 15-20 minutes but yeah, had to wait.

Finally I was allowed to get up and go, and then I got dressed in my PJ's and I got to go home. Another lady who'd had the same procedure earlier in the day was still in recovery when I left. Nurses called me superwoman, but I just wanted to be at home!

I'm astounded how little pain I have. I'm still a little anesthesia woozy and I've been taking a couple pain killers, but I walked around at the farmer's market for an hour and felt fine...and I bought three berry plants. Two currants and a juneberry :D

The Essure sterilization was so much worse than yesterday's procedure in terms of discomfort.

Thanks to all of you who took the time to wish me well. Barring any infection, I hope, HOPE, be back to work on Monday, much sooner than I had thought! Everything the doctor and nurses and other women who've had this done made it seem like I would be in bed for at least 3 days after. *shrug*

Once again  quickxyk has been amazing and taking care of me. My best fiance.

I'm going to blunt and TMI with all this. I'm writing about my sexual health and an upcoming surgery for my chronic pelvic pain that I've had for most, if not all, my life. If this makes you uncomfortable, I understand. Just stop reading here and enjoy some art! Otherwise, let it be known that I'm writing this in the hopes that women with similar conditions can benefit from my experience.

I have Primary Vulvar Vestibulitis. It's intense pain at the opening of the vagina, from the 3 o clock to the 9 o clock of the vestibule. For whatever reason, the nerves in that area are hypersensitive and the slightest touch feels like a stab, a cotton swab feels like a ragged fingernail clawing, tearing the skin. It is theorized that it is a form of shingles.

I first noticed this pain when i was 11 or 12 during my first use of a tampon. It left me crying and shaking on the floor from the pain. Many years later it became apparent that sex hurt. Every time was painful. Every time I grit my teeth and wondered why it hurt. I developed a low libido from the constant pain and many relationships suffered because I reluctant to have sex with the person I was with, no matter how much I cared for him. I couldn't explain why. I thought that my low libido meant low interest meant I should try harder to enjoy sex and that meant resentment, excuses, and things falling apart.

When Xyks and I got together, I told him on the very first day that I had no interest in sex, but I was willing to work on figuring out why. Our relationship was off to a great start because he's a wait til marriage kind of guy. I was instantly relieved there would never be anything expected of me during the budding of our relationship. We started seeing a sex therapist and I think she knew pretty quickly what was wrong with me. I was told early on that it's probably This Condition and that I may end up having to have surgery. But first we had many things to try!

She referred us to a physical therapist who specializes in pelvic pain. After several sessions of very personal and painful massage, she could no longer help me. I was referred to a gynecologist and after an exam she confirmed Vestibulitis. I was prescribed a couple different medications in an attempt to treat the pain. One turned me into a zombie and after months of trying to adjust to the pills and no change in pain, we tossed them out. The other medication just didn't work at all.

Finally, after 20 months of therapies and doctors, we went to see the surgeon who specializes in removing the tissue and glands that houses these jerks of nerves in a procedure called a vestibulectomy.

This Friday morning, I go in for an outpatient procedure that will excise the glands, tissue, and nerves that have plagued me for so long. It takes about an hour and a half and will take me about a week to really get back on my feet. It seems a small thing, after everything that has happened, and the thought of some of the post-op exercises I'll have to do has me wincing, but in theory, by then, there won't be such pain. It's hard to believe.

This has been a roller coaster of emotions. It's been uplifting, depressing, pain has ranged from tearful agony to sensations of life long clenched muscles releasing and blood flow relief. For obvious reasons, I have kept this mostly to myself, but maybe, maybe? this will help someone else out there.

Xyks has been the pinnacle of support. I can't put it into words how caring, encouraging, patient, and selfless he has been. He has held my hand even when I sink my nails in. He's listened to me, advised me, made me laugh when I needed it, and was just there for me when I needed that. I am grateful for his kindness and gangly presence. Plus he is handsome.

~~**BONUS**~~: I got sterilized 3 weeks ago using Essure, so I was also recovering from that! This will also take away the physiological fear of unwanted pregnancy to help in healing my sexual health. The road ahead is long. I have a lot of physical and mental rewiring to do and it is questionable whether I will ever develop an interest in sex. I am, however, hopeful.

It's the beginning of spring. It's a new month. And the beginning of a new life for Xyks and I. This time of year couldn't be a more fitting symbol of our lives. Winter was difficult on many of us, and on many animals and plants, too. I love snow and ice and cold days, but for once, I couldn't wait for it to be done and over. There is so much work for us to do outside! Almost everyday we checked the forecast for the upcoming weekend, biting our lips with worry. Will it be snow or shine? Daily highs and lows fluctuate wildly with each passing day.

On clear days we drive up to our canyon land and work on tearing down the flood house (if you don't know that story, my past journals). The house is full of salvageable material: copper pipes and wires, a steel roof, thick wood boards over the roof and magnificent beams/rafters beneath. We work all day pulling nails and hauling materials. We've busted apart moldering dry wall and cut pipes. Friends have come and gotten down and dirty with refreshing manual labor. It feels good even as our hands cramp into claws and our bodies ache with stiff, angry muscles. I sit on my butt and draw all day, and Xyks is a programmer, so our nerdly muscles are not fit for this kind of work!

But we do it anyway and we're getting stronger.

Throughout all this, we've met our neighbors down canyon one by one. Before we even closed on the land, we met the couple who owned a small cabin across the street from the flood house during our first visit after the September flood. Their cabin survived the 1000 year event with a little wetness in the basement, and a clipped eave when an old forest cabin came spinning down a gorge in a massive land slide. The forest cabin came to rest 20 feet from their door.

At this first meeting, we broached the subject of possibly renting or even buying the cabin, as they were renting it for the past two years before the flood. They seemed open to the idea, and we exchanged contact information. We offered to help them in any way we could.

Months went by and we closed on the land and became friends with the cabin's owners. We went on hikes around the land together, talked dogs and gardening and the canyon's extensive history. We went under contract to buy their cabin and after 45 days of house, well, and radon inspections, appraisals, and minor repairs, we closed yesterday.

We used the same real estate agent for this transaction as we did for the land. She was excellent at her job during the strife and stress of acquiring the flood land. She said ours was her largest file and most complicated deal ever. Our final price for the land was less than 20% our original offer, and we knew she'd done all this hard work for far less of a commission. So we were happy to have her on board for the cabin's transaction, and it went as smooth as butter because we are friends with the sellers. After signing the papers, she said she'd never had buyers and sellers on such good terms.

Xyks and I finally have a "new" home! We currently live in his condo, which is very nice with all his remodeling and updates, but it's small and, well, it' s a condo with people on all sides. The cabin was original built in the 1880's with hand hewn logs. Over the decades it was been modernized and updated so much that the home inspector found it to be in better shape than most modern houses. It has a spiral staircase up to the second floor, and large stone fireplace and mantle, windows and skylights everywhere, and has survived at least three floods and a fire with hardly a scratch. The large front window has a grand view of the other side of the canyon and you can hear the creek when the side windows are open.

Move in date is somewhere at the end of April/beginning of May. Of course we are still in the process of trying to fix up the flood land, so being on site, instead of half an hour away, is monumental for Getting Things Done.

Oh and planting things to eat. OH LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY SEED ORDER. I have that gotta catch 'em all sentiment when it comes to buying seeds. :E

Here some photos, in no particular order!
http://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/.....29405/roof.jpg
http://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/.....abovehouse.jpg
http://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/...../hiketrees.jpg
http://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/.....5/suchwork.jpg
http://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/.....toworkwith.jpg
http://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/1629405/ey.jpg
http://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/.....5/fistbump.jpg
http://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/.....05/molding.jpg
http://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/.....9405/piles.jpg
http://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/.....tanglewood.jpg

My twitter account is vantidart. I post WIP's and photos, and updates of my life. I'm still not savvy with the interface yet, so if I miss comments or questions there, I'm sorry!

I also have a tumblr, which I've mentioned before but I'll say it again: http://vantid.tumblr.com/

Lots of artsy stuff there.

I am happy to say that my tendons are finally to a point where I can work a half day (four hours) for water color painting only, so I've happily resumed work on watercolor commissions! Luckily, the bulk of my workload is watercolor badges that I already have inked, which takes a load off my angry arms.

I am thankful for everyone's patience during all this! However, due to the severe backlog, I will not be taking commissions this year at FC, with the exception of a couple sketchbooks. No badges, nothing take home. I will have something NEW at my table this year: jewelry! The final designs are almost complete and I am pretty excited for them.

I also have strep throat for the first time in my life. It's been more of an annoyance than anything serious.

The Saga of the Land continues. Even right now, today, we are once again on pins and needles waiting and hoping for some good news. Despite the uncertainty, I continue reading as much as I can during my downtime. I am exploding with excitement over new ways of keeping chickens, raising meat animals, planting food forests, inoculating the land with mycelium, grafting fruit trees, building smartly for passive solar gain, even using the stream for electricity!

Of course I'm getting ahead of myself, again. Maybe this time next week it will all be over and I can write all about it with gusto. Maybe.

For the last year my hands and arms have been becoming painful from overwork. I started attending physical therapy to fix the problem, but it was too little, too late. I have not been working for the last couple weeks due to tendonitis, and I don't know when I can get back on track. I am nervous making excuses or posting about medical issues and very sorry for commission delays, but it is what it is.

I am thankful to have a wonderful therapist. She has taught me gentle strengthening exercises that are slowly helping. So far, I'm allowed one to to hours of work a day this week. I will heal up as fast as I can!

Meanwhile, I'm making good use of my time! We are moving forward on the flood damaged property and I am learning a great deal about permaculture, being a general contractor (is anyone reading this a GC or a sub just curious!), and alternative building methods. I am slowly writing in a blogspot to chronicle our (mis)adventures and I will link to it here once I am further along.

So that's a quick update on my life! I hope all of you are well.

 quickxyk and I are headed out to a new con for us: Oklacon! I am one of the Guests of Honor and I made a few pieces of art special for the con which you can see if you are going. Otherwise, I will upload once we get home.

I am pretty excited because it's a camping convention and I love camping, hiking, nature...MOSS. Also, my Grandaddy and his wife are already there. They went to Texas Furry Fiesta this past year and had a great time. So if you are at the con, I hope you can give them a warm welcome from the fandom.

I am going to be giving my wing panel! Sadly,  nambroth isn't going to be there. I haven't done this panel by myself in many years, so hopefully it goes well! I will have some real wings with me to demonstrate anatomy and feather layering. I had hoped to give a panel on how to roast a chicken but I don't think I got that one.

I will of course have a dealers table! I have lots of shiny prints and free goodies, some originals and I might take a few sketchbook commissions. No color badges, I am sorry! I am so slow I end up taking some home even though I try not to, and I can't take on any more work right now.

This is my last con of the year, and I will be happy to get back to normal, non travel mode for a while before Further Confusion. With the house research, flood mess, and tons of travel, I am worn out!

ohboycamping

I will be dealing at Rainfurrest in a couple weeks! I love this convention, it's always been one of my favorites so I am excited to be back in the area.

I will not be taking commissions for post con work, only a very few at con commissions. This past month has backlogged everything. The flooded out house is only part of the past month's SNAFUs. Everything is spiders.

Anyway, if you've been wanting a sketchbook or at con badge from me, this is a good time! I work very slowly so slots are very limited. I don't take many sketchbooks anymore, especially non bird sketchbooks. ;>

I will have several other goodies on the table, and man candy coyote  quickxyk will be be helping me out behind the table! He's the best. Please come say hi, don't talk to me about coyotes, and have a great time in general.

Thank you all again for your support regarding the house we were trying to buy. As I said, we have many options and have been doing a lot of research into each option. In time we will know more and can make an informed decision whether to proceed or walk away. It all depends on a lot of things! I hope to be able to post the full story soon! c:

Roads are still closed but Xyks found some aerial photographs of the canyon road. Large files!

http://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/.....05/flooded.jpg
http://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/.....5/flooded2.jpg

The white roofed building was the house. It went on a bit of a journey. As you can see, there will be no getting up there for a while.

We have some options that I don't want to get into right now, but we remain in a holding pattern until the property can be assessed. It's not over yet.

Thanks for all the kind words, folks! We re fine, our current home is fine. These photos are heart breaking after what would have been a beautiful story to tell, but again, at last this happened before we closed.

It's been raining a lot around here. Our condo is perfectly ok (aside from a boil water advisory), but it's depressing to see the places I love underwater. We don't want to leave home with all the road closures and rising water. We've been listening to sirens and helicopters off and on for days.

We've been looking at a piece of property for the last month or so. It's been eating up a lot of my time and energy but things were progressing, slowly but surely. I had hope to post a happy journal entry here detailing the wonderful things that were happening and tell you the story of the 21 acres of mountain property we were getting. And such an amazing story it is!! I was looking forward to a garden and chickens in the spring. Just last week I ordered some seed garlic to plant after we closed.

Now we are two weeks before closing, and there is massive flooding. There is a creek that runs right next to the house and through the entire property. We can't check on it due to road closures. Are the roads amongst those that have been washed away? Is the house destroyed?

We've invested so much, both emotionally and financially, into getting this place. I am thankful that this 100 year flood event happened now, instead of right after closing. I am sad, and tired, but I'm thankful we have a nice home that isn't flooding and that our friends are ok.

rain rain go away
please come back with less 100 year flooding, k?

 quickxyk and I are leaving in a few hours to get the hell over to Pittsburgh! I'm overly excited this year as so many cool people are attending. I bet a bunch of you are already there, havin' a good time.

I am located at K17! Right next to some righteously cool people like  nambroth and her man  eldarath. Across is  foxfeather and  mbala rockin' the Foxloft merchandise. I know they will also have a ton of art from  ironfeathers

What will I be selling? SO MUCH. I will have:

Endangered Ark playing cards

New Coyote and Coyote Season books by MIchael Bergey. A must have for lovers of animal stories, especially the trickster coyote sort!

Super fragrant soaps from  thornwolf and  commodoremarie, collectively known as Capricanis. If you like luxurious bath items, come by and take a whiff. No charge for Whiffs all weekend long.

If I have room in my luggage, random sketch packs full of pretty much every random.

Super juicy Prints like whoa!! There are several new prints so check them out.

And of course, I am offering take-home badges only. Here are my prices: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/10999851/ Slots are limited!!

I will take sketchbooks at con only if the character is a bird/gryphon character, for 50 dollars.

That sums it up. Like always, I don't care if you wanna just come by to say hello or just look at things. At cons I'm Browser McChatter myself so I understand.

I hope you all have a wonderful time this weekend, whether you spend it at the con, enjoy the American Holiday, or just enjoy a day of work or time off.

To my fellow American watchers, Happy Fourth of July guys!!

Tomorrow evening  quickxyk and I will wing our way to Sunny Socal to the convention where we first met. Aww. Come see us! We like to chat. Xyks makes a great booth babe.

I will have a large assortment of prints on hand, all juicy and pretty and ready for your walls. I will be accepting watercolor and pencil badges for take home only! I still have some leftover badges to complete from previous conventions so slots are limited.

I might take some at con work such as sketchbooks for $50. Come see me and we can chat. Some examples of recent at con sketches:
http://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/.....9405/lissa.jpg (boob warning!)
http://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/.....29405/iggy.jpg

See you there!

Howdy folks!

I wanted to drop a quick line here to say I've been slowly but steadily working on various commissions and the Werewolf Calendar 2014 work. I have finished almost all non colored pencil badges from FC and will be emailing/mailing those soon, and I have all convention badges at least sketched. I appreciate everyone's patience.

There are a few other places to see and or buy my work.

Etsy I am slowly putting all my prints up on Etsy and eventually I will have original available for sale as well.

Tumblr Some art and stuff I like.

Weasyl And my very own Weasyl!

Howdy!

I've had a lot of interest in my coloured pencil badges recently, and I've been quoting them at $100.

This is too low for the amount of time I dump into these badges. I love working on them, truly. But I have to stop taking them at this price. However, I know there are folks who have been wanting them and I'd like to give everyone who does a chance to get them at this price.

Until the end of February, I will be accepting 3 by 4 inch badges in coloured pencil for $100, plus shipping. After Texas Furry Fiesta and the end of the month, they will no longer be available for this price! I do not know how much I will charge for colored pencil badges in the future.

These take a while, so patience is required. I don't foresee getting to any badges taken now before late spring or early summer at the earliest.

SO! If you would like to place an order, please send me an email vantid at gmail (preferred), or a note here on FA. Paypal preferred, address is also my gmail address. Shipping is four dollars.

There are few pleasures greater than a hot fragrant bath, an icy glass of sweet plum wine, and a fluffy fantasy novel (Lackey, for those interested).

What are your favorite indulgences?

Edit: Everyone's replies are a delight to read!! Keep 'em coming; I sure identify with you all.

That con I just went to was amazing. Heavens to betsy it was a solid all around great convention. Business was my best of any con <u>ever</u>! Thanks to all of you kind folks who came by and picked something up. Thank you for all the kind words and fun conversations.

There was also the perfect blend of social! I managed to meet some new people, chatted with old friends, and enjoyed myself in every way.

I'm enjoying a few days off before I dive into my wonderful queue of badges badges and more badges. I'm very excited with the huge variety of characters I get to work on.

But before that, Skyrim for two days straight. Let's go.

Howdy ya'll~!

I will be at FC next weekend selling prints and badge commissions. Badges are for post con delivery only! I may take a couple sketchbooks, especially if your character is a bird, and anything I take on Friday might be ready before the end of the con.

I know it's a bummer to not have your badge done at con, however I like to deliver a quality product and I like to take my time with my work and make it look as nice as I can in the comfort of my home. Take a look here to see several completed and one work in progress: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/9682703/

So stop on by for a chat or do some business, or both. I will be happy to see you. :D

Cheers!