had a friend visit for a week, that was awesome, then was all like, yay back to work, cause I missed my job, now I'm sick and coughing up blood... huzzah

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9y_roKDpRXY Boom

A friend of mine started a youtube channel and needs a bit of help getting it off the ground, he's a sweet guy so I decided to post a link here and see if maybe you guys could give him a bit of support!

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCN.....njkT4R-G27BvlQ

Secondly, someone just blew up a car behind my house, heard a loud explosion and bright light, thought it was a gunshot, but turns out it was a car being set on fire, apparently arson is a thing now around here, and I moved here to be in a good neighbourhood, yay...

Hey there, wondering if anyone might be able to recommend an animator I can approach about doing a 15 second clip for my youtube channel, I have music already thanks to a wonderful friend of mine, and I want an animation to match it to

So here I am, making a once in a blue moon journal ha ha, I really keep saying I should make more, but I never really have the energy to do so, anyways, today is a bit of a doozy, and I want to make it clear to people that this is neither a cry for attention, nor a suicide note, this is just something I've wanted to say for a long time, to myself and people around me, but something always stood in the way, usually my own concern for how people would view me, but I've decided to more or less take the anonymity of the internet and use it to vent, something I do rarely... SO HERE WE GO!

My name is Steve, I was gonna say my full name, or at least first and last, but eh, why? Anywho, I'm 31, about 5'8/5'9, pudgy, have brown hair and an orange beard (it's genetic, it's freaking weird, must be the irish heritage in me) and for the longest time, I've been unhappy, with my life in general to be honest. I've always just kind of aimlessly wandered through life, I never really figured out what I wanted to do with myself until later, and well, there are issues, most of which have now been resolved thankfully, that have stood in the way of me obtaining my dream. As for what my dream is, I want to to take courses in Marketing, and get into that job field, it is something that has always been of interest to me. Last year, I came closest to that dream then I have ever been, and it was snatched away from me in the span of an hour, due to what I will be talking about next, my financial situation.

I live on Social Assistance, I haven't had a job in a long time, and I get about 850 dollars a month to live off of, rent, bills, groceries, all take a chunk out of that, and since i have recently moved to a more expensive place, partly due to my belief that my dream was going to come true, and mostly because I lived in a too small basement apartment infested with bugs and mice before, basically I lived in a slum apartment, but I don't want to think about that place at all, so back on topic... My rent for the new house takes about half my monthly stipend, and then the bills take about two thirds of what remains, yeah, my hometown is expensive to live in, but it's kinda hard to move away for reasons I'll get into later, thing is, even when I lived in my old apartment, money was still always a concern, so it's not that it has become anything new, just that is has been more pronounced since finding a new place to live. With regards to why I don't have a job, that comes next.

I suffer from depression, and to be honest, it's fairly severe, I've been through many methods to control it, medications, which ended up with me wanting/attempting to kill myself because of them, shrinks, whom seemed more focused on me liking men and how that might be contributing to my feelings, meditation, which well, while relaxing, doesn't really change the thoughts that go through your head ya know? But yeah, I was diagnosed around... jeez, maybe I was 22 or so? I have a journal about it, but I don't know when that is dated ha ha, I'll go check after this, (Nope, that's just a different journal ah well) Anywho, I don't really get depressed to the point where I feel bad or want to hurt myself, but it's like a constant cloud that is hanging over me, ready at a moment to whisper in my ear that i am worthless or that I don't deserve anything, the usual stuff, and when that happens, my energy just drains. That is combined with my anxiety issues, I get... nervous around large groups of people, which I thank the local fur community for helping with, furmeets, around people I have known and come to be friends with, have greatly aided me in my... dealings with large groups, so much so that I even volunteer to help with the "Furry" booth at our local Sci-Fi convention, which i am looking forward to soon, it's nice to be able to talk to strangers and maybe clear up some misconceptions with them about furries. But in the end, a lot of times, my anxiety comes back, and I end up very tense, and I get dizzy, almost blacking out, and sometimes I actually do, it isn't something I like.

Next up, we get into the deep stuff, and that goes with my mental state as it has been over the past while... I've... well, I've wanted to kill myself, I've had suicidal thoughts for a long time now, but I don't act on them, they aren't overpowering, and I have been seeing professional help about it, so no worries, I don't intend to off myself at all, a few months back actually I had a small crisis where I was terrified of my own mortality ha ha, so since I got over that, I intend to try and enjoy my life. But the fact of the matter is that those thoughts are still there, and they hurt me, a lot... each day I wake up, I feel like a lump, I have no direction, I feel like I want someone to just say a few magic words, to invite me over, to spend time with me, and yet, at the same time, I shun them away, I don't want it, I want to be alone, it's a struggle sometimes to figure out which words are mine, and which are just the ones I make up in my head ya know? It's still scary though, to look around, see things, and feel a thought or two work its way through my mind about how I could use it to hurt myself, or how people would be happier if I was dead, selfish thoughts, thoughts I don't want to have because I'm ashamed of them. But I can't... talk to anyone about it because my friends and family have their own problems, and discussing this stuff with them seems like a burden, it's weird, I'm an adult, but when it comes to this stuff, I feel like a scared little kid, hell, this journal doesn't even make a whole lot of sense, but I am just letting my fingers type out the things that are racing through my mind right now, so my apologies. It's an odd feeling, wanting to die, feeling like it would be for the best, but at the same time, a voice of reason screams at me and tells me not to do that, for my sake and the sake of others.

I haven't had a bad life, or a rough life by any stretch of the imagination... my father always worked to keep me and my mother happy, and my brother too when he came along, he worked at a job I am sure he hates, and he did it even while suffering his own depression, my mom told me stories about him, and to this day, I admire his conviction and strength, things which I'm still lacking in a way. But if I ever need anything, they will help, even if I don't want it, basically I guess it comes down to me feeling like a typical stereotype of a manchild, even though I have tried so hard and still continue to try to make my life better, and not be that kind of a person... but when it comes down to it, I'm just unhappy, and I don't know if it's the depression or just myself in any way, how I view myself, and my search to find the kind of strength I want to have, every reason I give for how things are a certain way feels like an excuse, like I should just be able to say, it won't be that way and just change it magically, I don't know, I just wanted to rant, and vent, and I'm sure the people I wanted to say things to will see this, some will be concerned, some will be annoyed, some will see it as just bitching, and that's fine, well, not the concerned part, I'm just letting things out right now, anyways, I'm gonna go make some food and relax, I haven't eaten yet today, see you guys later!

Huzzah, aging!

So just moved yesterday, went from a shitty lil basement apartment to a huge ass house for only double the rent, tis a wonderful place, pics eventually.

I can feel it already, the bones are creaking, joints are aching, I'm getting old... I'M GETTING OLD!.....

On the plus side, hung out with  SkylerResias last night and today :D NAKED DON AND DRAGON TIMES!

Woot, server transfers for FF14 are going up today, going to be free for the next 5 days, me and my friends are moving over to Couerl (or maybe Excalibur, will update on that when it is known) to be with other people we know :D and maybe even meet new people! If you happen to play and are on either of those servers depending on which we go tol, give me a shout, just note me for my character name :3.

As well, I got my Hearthstone Beta invite today! Wooooo!

1. Cutting soda out of my diet, not completely, but limiting myself to having one every couple of days or so, instead of the 2 liters a day I used to drink.

2. Getting back into Warframe, love the new update.

3. FF14 is still awesome, still playing that, not really an update, but yeah.

Later Days~

Hey there,  Damingo is hosting an art raffle with me as the prize, I am paying for the picture and you get a chance to be in it with me, if you are interested, head over to his page and leave a note in his journal!

Super excited that I'll be playing in the UGC Highlander Fall season this year, shall be great fun to get into the format, well, on more then just a casual basis.

Ok :P I rarely post here so if I do, you know it must be for a reason, my pup needs some help paying off his new tablet and is taking commissions, so go check out  BenjaminWolvenhour and mebbe give him a lil love, Daddy Rhydon thinks that is a good idea >;3

While fun to rub and polish, do not slam your balls against a wall, the wall might have sharp things poking out of it... my balls are deflated now... no more basketball this summer for me... wait... is September summer?

My sex drive, she is gone!!

Well, lets see... I've been back home for a month now, and I think I'm going crazy, which I mean in a literal sense and not a proverbial one.

See, I have a history of depression, and it can range from mild to severe. Ever since I returned home from my month long excursion, my roomie Nova has stated he's noticed a change in me, that at first, I became much more self deprecating (I think that is the word I want) and began to examine my own faults to the point where I would work myself into a funk. This trend continued for a small while until my nightmares came back, at first they were ones I was used to, dreams of friends abandoning me, my family rejecting me, all the usual emo bullshit and I never paid them much heed. Then again, after a while, they started becoming much more vivid and violent, to a point where they are like some really sick death metal album, I've begun crying in my sleep and shaking... and to a more physical point, I've started lashing out at people, verbally and physically and losing control of my temper. Last time that happened... a knife ended up embedded in a wall during a specially bad episode, but I think I have a lot more self control now then that.

It's currently at the point now where I can't sleep without having someone in the bed next to me or I have nightmares and start twitching and crying, when I'm awake, honestly all my thoughts are either paranoia, seeing the worst in the people around me, or are thoughts of hurting/killing myself. These are thoughts I haven't had in a long time, back when I was a different person and much more wild and out of control.

I'll be seeing my doctor this week to see about a psychiatric evaluation and the possibility of me going back on pills, anti-depressents and well... last time I was on some kind of sedative, it basically knocked me out cold into a deep sleep so I either didn't dream or I just didn't remember them, so yeah, guess I'll see where that goes.

I've asked some people if they might accompany me for moral support, but for various reasons they can't, and I understand that, no hard feelings. There is one person I really would like to ask, but they don't seem so eager to talk to me at this moment, and while I'm sure I have nothing to do with it, those thoughts in my head ya know, I dunno man, guess I'm halfway to hearing voices and being a real crazy. I just really wish I could get someone to come along, I'm sure my mom or dad will... but its just wierd, thinking of hearing your parents listen to you telling the doctor about that kinda stuff. Maybe I'll find a friend who wants to go XP If not, oh well, gotta bite the bullet and go by myself.

Went out today with my friend Runefox, and saw Promethius, it was a very well done flick, I would happily see it again, also it was my first IMax film, so that was an experience. Before the movie though, I bought The Ten Commandments box set, 6 discs, includes the 1923 B&W silent film along with the 1956 version, Yul Brynner is a BOSS, this is seriously my number one favorite movie of all time and I believe everyone should see it at some time. As well, I picked up Devil May Cry 4 for 15 bucks, all in all, a GOOD day.

So last night, I thought about sleeping two hours and then playing some D3 with a friend of mine, but that never came to be as I decided... I haven't gone to bed before 5am since Diablo 3 came out, so I slept and it feels amazing, I slept from about 11pm to 7am, woke up, had some blueberry waffles with raspberry jam, and a glass of juice for BREAKFAST, dear lord thats a meal I haven't had in a long time. Anywho... now what to do for the rest of the day, also, I'm living with Resias for a month while Lore is gone to Korea to teach, so yay!

Of the tub of ice cream I had for breakfast... it was a good god fearing tub of ice cream... before its time.... before its time

You know... I never really write these things cause I don't really have a lot to say with regards to my everyday life, I'm a pretty boring guy. I play World of Warcraft, The Old Republic, TF2 and other stuffs... I don't draw, I don't write (anymore) and most of my non busy days are spent lounging around. There :P I did it! go me