Had a friend ask me to do this, so here we go!

My friend wants to start a food truck that gives homeless people a job, a place to stay, and of course food. Anyone willing to donate (either to homeless or truck) send a dm to crystal.a.faircloth[at]gmail.com Thanks for any and all help in advance!

I don't think I have a prayer of boosting her to the point she'll get the money she needs, but hey, at least no one can say I didn't try!

~Velth

Far too often it seems to be the case that people know the solution to their problems before they even know what the problem is. There is a great drought of self-examination and an epidemic of rash talk that has come to plague us. We seem to have forgotten that politics is a purely practical arena, one where we do not decide what should be done, but where we decide what will be done.

I am by far not immune to these problems. I often fail to meet my own standards. But on those moments where I am clear headed, I find myself lamenting my own failures, while in my passions I lament the failings of others.

I don't know what is to be done. By far, I consider politics to be a matter of importance, and yet it feels impossible to hold a meaningful discussion of politics with even a single person, let alone on a scale great enough to impact a democracy. So I'm left sitting here on the internet, doing my best to master myself as I wade headlong into every quagmire of a shouting match that I happen to come across. It feels like a silly practice, but honestly, is there anything else I can do?

-Velth

Congratulations to Donald Trump for his success in a hard fought election.

Never let it be said that I am a sore loser, though I be a most bitter combatant and partisan.

Now then, if you'll all excuse me, I believe there is a rather pretty picture that has recently become patriotic rather than grossly partisan, and I must track it down.

-Velth

I have fallen out of my twice a month habit of posting updates.

The summer did not go quite as planned, though that should be quite obvious. There was not much of it left by the time Anthrocon was over, and what was left was spent enjoyably, though I cannot say productively.

The general theme for this journal is discipline. I feel as though I lack it, though others assure me that I do not. While I am in no danger, the need to develop some greater discipline in myself has become apparent. I need to budget money, budget time, make sure I'm sleeping, eating, doing laundry, studying, enjoying myself, and working on projects, as well as coping with the few difficulties I've encountered along the way.

But these goals, while already a bit daunting, have proven even more difficult as I feel myself slipping mentally a bit further. Sadly, the initial honeymoon period after moving out has not sustained itself, mostly because I squandered it not knowing what to do. Even now, writing this journal, I know there are better things for me to be working on.

I've become a bit less cheerful, and a bit more broody and moody than I would like. I am forgetful of things. I'm feeling my anxiety creeping into new situations, since I've not eradicated it, but merely uprooted it.

Also, my primary computer has broken, which has slowed me down quite considerably. I still have a notebook and access to desktops pretty much everywhere I go, but it is far less convenient than having a computer all to myself that isn't terribly slow.

However, not everything is looking bleak. I've managed to continue seeing my family (most of it, that is), and I've been writing. Further, I've gotten to spend more time with my mate and have really sunk a lot of my time and energy into being with him, which has been a tremendous boost to my mood. His family has accepted me in a way I did not think possible. There's a great deal of good news on that front as well, though I've not talked about it publicly before and don't feel like doing so now. I also got to attend a wedding a discovered what a girdle was for first hand. That was.... well, better it was me than anyone else there. At least it got a laugh.

I've been introduced to the local furs, who are nice, though they move in their own circles and I in mine. Not to say they aren't welcoming or that they're not the sort of people I'd like to know, rather I have quite enough trouble keeping up with the people I already know and feel more attached to already.

Further, there is some progress in terms of my discipline and mood. Recently I discovered that I can sustain myself for very little money, and that I can in fact budget myself such that I can afford my rent, my food, and even save a bit extra to purchase some games.

The loss of my computer means that I'm going to have to replace it, which is pretty nice when I think about it, since that means I'll have a full blow desktop that's quite capable of handling all the games I'd like to play.

Also, there are a pair of kittens living in the parking lot of my apartment complex. With winter coming on, I'm a bit worried about them. Maybe I'll look into making them some sort of shelter so they can at least not freeze during the winter. They've been hiding in the undercarriages of cars for shelter thus far, and I can't imagine that's the most comfortable, safe, or warm. Though, at least they have the engine for a space heater.

That's all for now. I've been missing you all. Match, if you read this, send me some random texts from time to time.

Adios till the next time I remember my journals.

~Velth

I moved, successfully even, though my family is now very displeased with me. This week I should attempt to occupy myself with things like insurance, car titles, and getting a new phone on my own plan, though I am dangerously tempted to spend my time socializing and sleeping.

I am safe and alive though, just so everyone knows. And I am, in fact, happy.

~Velth

There are some things you expect to really fill you with regrets. Breaking off from my family was one of those things for me. And yet, in the admittedly brief time following this decision, I've not really experienced any such regrets. The biggest regret I have is the thought that I failed to completely move myself out in one go, having left two very valuable possessions behind in the rush to get out. This mistake was entirely stress induced, since several hours earlier, when I still had presence of mind, I had done a splendid job of packing the entirety of my wardrobe, as well as the other essentials for maintaining my hygiene into a single duffle bag. This means that I'll have to interact with my parents again sometime in the coming week, and likewise to hopefully have the car I've been driving for years put into my name.

These stresses aside, I have the stress of two finals in the coming week.

But THAT aside, I had a good time at Anthrocon. I actually probably enjoyed it more than I have any other year, because while I wasn't quite as thrilled as I usually am, I was far far far less stress and panicked. And honestly, the thrill I felt before was the thrill of possibly getting away with something that I was stressed I wouldn't or shouldn't be. Next year will hopefully be even better.

Also, I've got just about the best network of friends a person could ask for, and that was my real treat for the year. Being able to genuinely interact with people who care about me this deeply was wonderful. And I don't mean to say that my parent's don't care for me this deeply, they just have a far less gentle way of showing it.

I will hopefully become more active as the summer wears on, as I grow more stable and confident. Also, my internet troubles are pretty much over, since the new apartment I'll move to has decent connection. So there's that.

Here's to the future!

Velth

Life has pinned me under its burning thumb, coursing fire through my veins. There's nothing for it; Samos is far away. I have no choice but to keep on living.

~Velth

Don't want to air dirty laundry, but I might be extremely difficult to reach for some time. I'm potentially going to be homeless at the end of the month (not earnestly, thanks to many generous offers, but still without a place of my own that I can permanently reside in). My family is potentially not going to be my family at the end of the month as well, depending on whether it was just alcohol talking or if it was serious. With myself needing at least one more semester, and potentially more, of school before I can work full time, this threatens my financial security as well. Also, from what I gather, I'm not allowed to interact directly with anyone I know, so pretty much every time I try to get out to get some support I'll most likely be risking accelerating this whole process. I'm also more than a little concerned for the safety of the people local to me, but that is hopefully just idle talk.

I am doing alright. I'm feeling pretty dead inside, but as long as I'm not mentally collapsing, I'll consider myself in fine condition. There are problems in my house and family that eclipse my own, and this most recent problem is likely the culmination of two decades of unresolved and untreated issues. It doesn't make me feel any better or more confident about what I'm doing, but the fact is that hearing your father say that if you go out to a convention he will never speak with you again, and will not love you any more...

It makes things easy. God help us all.

-Velth

There's a saying that goes something like this:

If you go to build a mountain by carrying buckets of earth and piling them on top of one another, though you are a single bucket full short of completion when you stop, you have stopped.
But when you go to dig a trench as broad and long as the Nile, though you carry away only a handful of earth at a time, so long as you continue, you are making progress.

I feel as if I'm about to stop.

~Velth

Don't coddle me today just so you can berate me tomorrow.

-Velth

I've heard it said that the improbability of the universe turning out as it has is so staggering that there must have been an omniscient creator. Yet I've also heard it said that if one takes a deck of playing cards and shuffles them, they will likely have produced a precise ordering never before seen, nor likely to be seen ever again.

Should it be surprising that the world is as it is? If we were to shuffle the deck and ask a card, "what do you think of this ordering?" wouldn't we laugh when it told us that no mere chance could have produced such a thing?

I agree, no mere chance could produce such an ordering. It suggests that things could have been otherwise than how they were; that we could have shuffled the deck and not arrived at the ordering which we arrived at. And yet doesn't it seem silly to think that there was some thoughtful, purposeful action involved in the creation of that ordering? Things just followed their necessary consequences.

What then do we make of the improbable origins of the universe? Shouldn't we be astounded by how mathematically insignificant the odds of our creation were? Not at all. What occurs is necessary to have occurred; the odds of it occurring were always assured. Rather than be astounded at how well the world conformed to mathematics, we should be astounded by how well mathematics has conformed to the world, and at how far we have come while remaining ignorant to the grand necessity of things. I do not say this patronizingly; no one knows anything, for no one knows everything. Without the ability to create a full understanding of the world, we have come incredibly far, and can understand a disproportionate amount of what occurs around us. That is what I find astounding.

What is more significant, the way the deck is ordered, or that the playing card can realize it?

~Velth

Cast off from the mountain, this small pebble trundles. All its wandering has made it smooth. It now fits easily in the palm.

~Velth

P.S. I wanted to keep writing these, but it can be hard to get the inspiration. So, they might wind up being a bit infrequent. Hopefully I wasn't too bold to start numbering them!

Little ember, be stalwart! Keep within your breast the cherry glow, though all your outward complexion turn ashen. Brother Dawn will soon be here.

---

I've had the idea of writing down Vesha prayers in the past, but nothing ever came of it. Tonight though, driving home, I needed a mantra, and so I give you the first Vesha prayer. Brother Dawn is probably Ebya, the god of fire, life, joy, etc. and she is indeed closer than you think.

~Velth

P.S. Just as I was sitting down to post this, I got a text from my mate, and it wiped away all my anxiety.

So, I've submitted my panel idea to Anthrocon, but thus far there has been no reply. The odds are that I will not receive one, and my panel idea won't be picked up; after all, unless there's a bit of community support for the idea, it likely won't happen, and even if there were, it's unlikely they'd choose me.

Further, I'm about to become a bit less active for several months due to school work. As such, I'm not going to be able to do philosophy sessions online via Skype as I had wanted to, and cannot spend time researching readings and topics in order to run some test sessions like I had wanted.

I have been making some progress on writing, and might post a few chapters if I manage to get them hammered out. This is a recurring statement that I make that never turns into anything, but this time I've actually taken the liberty of writing at least one chapter before saying I was making progress, and therefore I can actually, upon request, prove I'm not entirely bluster!

Further, I've been making progress completing my rewrite of Hackmaster. This is a less frequent statement I make, but has a similar record to my statements about writing. However, once again, I've actually gone ahead and composed further sections of the rewrite prior to stating that I've made progress, and can link to a google drive containing my material to prove it.

Lastly, I would like to invite people to do a bit of an informal philosophy thing with me. Like I said, I cannot actually run these sessions the way I would like to, with readings selected and a set time to converse directly, but I can still pose an interesting question and let you chew through it at your own pace. The question I have is this: Why do things make you happy? What are those things?

It's not an easy question, and I don't have an answer, so much as some observations: Happiness and pleasure are separate in my mind. Pleasant experiences might not always make me happy, and unpleasant experiences can make me happy. Further, happiness doesn't seem to be at all worldly to me. In fact, I would say that the reason why things make us happy is that we do them happily; that happiness is like a guiding star by which we can direct our actions and measure our possessions.

That's all I've to say about it for now. I hope you're all doing well.

~Velth

I don't say it to be short or dismissive. I mean it sincerely in the sense of, "I commend you to the gods."

I do. I hope you already know that if you're reading this, but even if you're one of my few watchers I don't know, I promise I try really hard to take care of the people I come across and to do right by them.

Today was full of a lot of highs for me, though also some frustrations. I'm usually pretty good at putting on a grin when misfortune and pain comes knocking, but today I got a little fired up and couldn't just smile and ignore something, and... well, the ensuing rant was pretty emotional, involved the threat of becoming teary eyed, and was mostly motivated by my love for you guys, and my limited understanding of the things you've had to go through. Let's just say I felt people were making light of the stuff many of you have had to go through, or have experience with, and I couldn't take it.

On the upside, me and my mate got through something I thought would be quite difficult, and I'm feeling really good about that. And, on top of that, the rant I gave did make me feel even more emotionally tied to you all, so it's not a bad thing. Plus, I formed some really good arguments while I was able to hold it together, and even the more passionate speech wasn't bad, though I usually don't like getting that worked up while trying to argue, since I tend to get bullheaded.

That's all... just wanted to let you guys know I've been thinking about you tonight, and to tell you to stay safe. A journal isn't the best way to reach out to you, but I wanted to get it out before I went to sleep. Otherwise I'd toss and turn all night.

~Velth

It's cool, it's fun, you will tear your hair out when they force you to do precise platforming with floaty, laggy, camera sliding, ice physics controls in the middle of a thunder storm with Zeus pelting you with lightning bolts while you try to get one auto attack in on a minion so you can get an item that has one use that chips a tiny fraction of Zeus' health off before he falls down a cliff and leaves you with the AGONIZING decision of whether to chase him to put a few extra hits in during his five seconds of vulnerability, or just accept that this will be an all night affair because the next minion you have to kill spawns at the top of the map and you're sure as hell not climbing back up here, and then you get to the final stage of that fight and Zeus is just faster than you and has a longer reach and the block button just takes unscheduled holiday leave because the real challenge is surviving the controls, and then you finally, FINALLY manage to win and your game crashes and the auto-save didn't register that you'd accomplished it, so you have to go back and do it again, all the while cursing the gods more than Nikandreos if they were cutting his balls off.

In summary, Apotheon is a really fun game with great artwork but the controls are maddening at times, especially for the pace of the game and platforming elements, and there are issues with it crashing at times. It was worth the $4 I got it for on sale. Overall game was 8/10. Final boss battle brought it down to a 6/10, due to sheer frustration, and I doubt I'll pick up the game again for a long while. It is re-playable, and would be interesting to do so, but frankly I'm too frustrated with it to enjoy it again for at least a month.

~Velth

After meeting with the professor of philosophy who inspired this panel idea, I procured a copy of the complete works of Zhuangzi (spelling varies wildly), translated by Burton Watson, and have started reading through to pick out passages that are particularly interesting and good for people who won't be familiar with Chinese, or potentially any philosophy! The Zhuangzi, and in particular the Watson translation, was selected because of the way the text is composed. It's a fairly easy read, with most of the passages being narrative and metaphor. The passages are short, usually a paragraph long, but can be read continuously, which offers some flexibility in terms of the topics we want to discuss and for how long.

I'm going to inquire about another text, the Mengzi, this coming Tuesday. This is because the Zhuangzi is a Daoist text, and I'm worried that it's subtle points might be more aggravating than thought provoking to some people. The Mengzi, a Confucian text, will, in my opinion, be more palatable to the average person raised in western culture, and so choosing texts from there might be a good way to ease people into the discussion.

It has been interesting going back to read over the first few chapters of the text. I hadn't realized just how much my understanding had deteriorated, to the point that I could recognize passages without being able to make sense of them. However, I'm nearing the end of the second chapter, and I think I've hit my stride. Also, I need a bit of a lesson on how to pronounce the names I'm coming across; when reading them I have no trouble, but I'm not actually sure how to form the sounds, and it would be embarrassing to be unpracticed when I have so long to prepare.

~Velth

P.S. I still haven't submitted this panel yet, as it appears they haven't opened up that part of the Anthrocon registration yet; I'm sure I'll post a journal about it once I do.

H0I!

~Velth

I'm considering proposing/hosting a panel/meet-up for Anthrocon 2016 dubbed "The Philosofur's Panel". The premise here is pretty simple: I'll select some short readings (roughly a paragraph) from historical philosophical works (likely Plato, Confucius, or Lao Tzu), select some tea samples (probably classic Chinese tea), and we'll sit around drinking tea and talking philosophy.

In terms of details, copies of the reading would be printed out and provided to everyone, as well as the subsequent readings for the subsequent days (I'd like to have the panel run all three days). The tea would be brewed using hot water from a thermos, assuming of course that Anthrocon wouldn't provide hot water, and that we don't run out of water for tea. I'd like to provide some snacks, though right now my choice would be these dried berries I've had before that were really good with the type of tea I'm going for. Discussion could be guided, though I'd rather it be spontaneous.

The readings I'd be choosing would come from texts that I've had experience with, and I'd make sure to discuss my selection at length with a PHD professor of philosophy to make sure I could confidently lead some interesting discussion or review of the material if the need should be. I'd also likely have a much larger selection than I'd ever need to use in case people wanted to continue discussing, or had exhausted the current topic, and I'd bring the original texts as well as recommendations for translations, etc.

The format would be as casual as possible. We'd set up a single table with chairs around it (again, I assume I won't get many interested folks), and discussion would be mediated by myself to ensure some simple civility was maintained. That is, to make sure people don't talk at the same time, get into arguments, over ride one another, and so on. I do recognize that I'm passionate about the topic, and that I very well might want to dive into the goings on, but I'd take my role as unbiased arbitrator as primary.

Ideally, if this is a success, we'd keep it going year round with say, weekly Skype calls where we operate under the same conditions: readings are provided and discussed for a while. We might even try to work our way through an entire text!

The reason I'm saying all this is because I'm curious what other people think. I know there probably aren't many people reading this, but if anyone who does can drop me a line about whether or not they see problems with this plan, or if they have or do not have an interest, I'd appreciate it.

Oh, and I'm doing much better. I think my parents have come to tolerate my life choices. We'll see this weekend, but it's a huge weight off my chest.

~Velth

In order to care for others, one must care for ones own wants and needs. They must recognize the importance and existence of personal wants and needs so that others may possess those personal wants and needs, that they may be fulfilled. This is how we care for one another.

Build up yourself, nurture your identity, learn to satisfy yourself, and then you can truly learn to go without and to take care of others.

~Velth

Attempting to get family into family counseling to end this thing once and for all.
Explained my position well enough to possibly have ended one source of resistance.
Bought Dominion: Intrigue. (I'll have fun again one day.)
Realized my bank account has dried up a bit with my recent spending.
Realized school marches on, and I must keep pace.
Teared up heart brokenly realizing how much I miss my mate.
Resisted the urge to call/text several people late at night to apologize profusely for not interacting with them more.
Had numerous arguments and positions confirmed by a Catholic spiritual guidance counselor (of all people).
Felt old fire returning to my belly in pseudo uncontrollable fit of mental rage at the arguments I've been fed recently (wanted to smash and tear things to get it to abate, but instead lay there until my mind was exhausted from thrashing).
Still uncertain about housing situation.
Wrote a bit more.
Watched several classic movies.

I can't really go into more detail without writing a novel. I miss everyone, and especially my mate who has been an absolute angel with me for so long, and continues to amaze me with his tolerance, endurance, and caring. Feeling the old rage come back was comforting. It's one of my long standing vices, but in times of need it helps prop me up, and I had been missing its company. And lastly, in case anyone was curious, I went to a Catholic counselor at the urging of my family. While I had to bite my tongue at some of the things he said (because I'm an argumentative ass, not because he said anything offensive), he said things that I already knew and had tried telling my parents, such as:
God loves you always, forever, no matter what you've done.
God gave you free will to do what you want, so I'm not going to try and take it away from you by telling you what to do.
Sometimes we just have to make mistakes to learn from them.
People get too caught up in applying labels as a shortcut to actually understanding the person they're applying them to.

We disagreed about whether or not what I was doing was right or wrong, but his advocacy for tolerance and forgiveness was precisely what I had hoped for.

Hopefully I'll stay alive a bit longer.
~Velth

Attempts to get in touch with the counselor that my family wants me to go to have, thus far, not come to fruition. Hopefully sometime next week I'll be able to meet with him, though frankly I have serious doubts that anything constructive will occur, since he offers, by his own admission, spiritual guidance, which is something I am not in need of.

The counselor I found for myself has continued to have a positive effect on me, even after the second session. I noticed that I was far less concerned and formal, compared to our first meeting, likely due to the vacation I've had from my family. I was less concerned with presenting the opinions of every given group, and more focused on my personal opinions regarding each subject.

I am feeling better and more confident about what I've done. I still need to keep myself in check, but it's good to not be wholly uncertain or afraid. I made mistakes, and I have no guarantees that who I am now is who I will be in five years, or that the decisions I make today shall be carried through for another two years. However, that these are my decisions, and that I shall act upon them to the best of my abilities, and in the best ways I know how, is become more and more certain with each session.

Hopefully things will continue on their course.

~Velth

I had originally intended to not be an adult artist. Anyone browsing my gallery will see that that is decidedly not the case, and hasn't been for some time. And, to my own dismay, I was able to turn out five pages of rough draft for a second piece in just two days, which is astounding compared to the four weeks that it took me to complete roughly the same number of pages for my main plot line.

There are some contributing factors; adult work tends to involve more action, and can be a bit sloppier, since I can more reliably count on the reader to gloss over my mistakes and fill in the gaps where my writing fails to evoke emotional responses. Plus, admittedly, I'm indulging myself when I produce my pieces, which tends to make me more confident and driven, and thus more apt to produce in a timely manner.

I'm saying all this because I don't want to be a primarily adult artist. I'm enjoying writing KiraXVelth stories because I love the two characters so much, but that love stems from what they do outside the bedroom. Those stories are the ones that I struggle to write, and if I only ever focus on the adult side, will never be read. So, I'm trying to get some lessons learned as far as writing style and motivation go from producing adult content, so I can have at least a portion of that enthusiasm when I sit down to produce the clean works.

That said, there's value to these adult pieces too. I don't know if it's obvious, and I didn't really attempt to hide it, though I also never explicitly stated it, but I set certain goals for myself when I'm making these pieces. Of course, most of the things I've produced have never gotten past the rough draft phase, so I'm not saying I hit all the points, but there were some objectives in place when I set out to write the adult stories. For example, the challenge when writing the first KiraXVelth piece was to produce a depiction of straight sex that would be arousing or appealing even to gay/lesbian people. Did I succeed? Eeeeh.... But that was the goal.

Further, though I'm not sure I like to admit it, these pieces are archival, attempting to both capture what I know, the tricks I've learned, and to put down that knowledge that I do not, or cannot, possess. Simply put, I'm never going to know what it feels like to have a vagina, or big breasts. It's just not going to happen. But there seems to be a lack of content adequately describing the sensations that such things produce. At least, I've never found any, though I didn't look very hard. (I did look though.) It gives them a bit more purpose to prop up their existence, since they don't exactly advance a plot. I think that adult writing is actually a pretty good way to convey real advice on how to have sex, the positions, actions, tending to another's likes and dislikes, and so on. Again, do I accomplish any of these things? No one has come back saying they used something from one of my pieces, and I don't know if I want them too. But again, that's the goal.

Anyway, I've rambled on for long enough now. Hopefully there will be another piece up within the next few days. I'm open to receiving feedback, criticism, or even ideas on things to write about next time, though please send such things via notes. Who knows, maybe I'll start producing more of these as time goes by, though right now I would like to focus on less dirty things.

~Velth

Years of concealing my sexuality and present relationship blew up two days ago. In the fallout, it looks like I'm going to need to move soon. I am, admittedly, still shaky on my feet, and the added pressure is not helping all that much. If I'm inactive even more than usual, you know why.

~Velth