I swear to god I lost like half the people that were in my watching list. I have no idea what happened.

So I know its been a year for me but the biggest thing I can really include here is that Kiteless and I are back together and have been for just over a year now. We both had a little growing to do but now things are going great and honestly I could not be happier. Other than that really not to much else to report. I am working hard and actually traveling out of the country right now. I wish everyone well

Single again, Kiteless dumped me. Still wants to be friends though and I guess we are. Really getting tired of having my heart stepped on.
Well to be fair he dumped me a week after burning man, but still hurts sometimes, the pain is just less now. I don't cry anymore.

Well it seems that life might be giving me some good news, someone I have really liked for a very long time, well expressing interest in dating. I am very happy about this and well excited about how things might come out. So taking it slow and will see

On another note, I will be going to BLFC

Well got my heart broken again at FC this year. Arg why my the heart want what it wants.

Merry Christmas to all

I go home this weekend to put the final nail in the coffin of some very old demons of mine. I am feeling pretty good about it and its something that I need to do. After this weekend I am hoping life will go back to some semblance of normal.

The weight loss goes well but this weekend might be a wash. Damn good friends holding such a wonderful BBQ.

Keep having weird dreams as of late that keep waking me up at like 6:30 in the morning. Not sure if it means anything or nothing at all, but its just strange and annoying because I want to sleep longer.

Love life, well not happening so much but certainly have lots of friends that are fun to hang out with. Someone I planned to hang with at AC just told me they are now dating someone so it was like argggg, well cross that one off the list. Oh and yeah I will be at Anthrocon.

Actually my con schedule is I will be AC 4th-7th, Comic Con right after that 17th-21st, PAX Prime Aug 30th-Sept 2nd, MFF Nov 22-24th.

So I have not posted anything about my weight but its because my weight keeps going between 199 and 200. I am just stuck in a rut. I did talk to my dietician and agree with their analysis that my tendency to always eat the same thing all the time has kind of got me stuck. My body has adapted. So all this week I have been trying to change it up by actually eating breakfast in the morning, eating less for lunch, and more just little changes. I think the next couple of weeks will tell though if its doing anything.

So weigh in was at 200.4, but I blame being sick.

Now I have started to play Bioshock Infinite and ohhh how I love it. There are already many story elements that have grabbed me and I must know what happens!

oof, jumped up this week to 200.2. I know where my problems are I just need to work harder at it.

So I am down to 199, thats down 0.8 pounds this week.

Trying to decide if I want to go to FWA or not. There are many south east friends that I would love to see but I am not sure if I can swing the time or money. Well the time I know I cant because I am already burning what little time off i get for AC. I seriously will have to think about it though. Might be able to find roomies as well if I go so that I have friends to drink with.

So this week I was down again to 199.8 so thats a total of 2.6 pounds I have lots. I should be doing a lot better though so I really need to work harder at it.

On another note I am now on Twitter. I am Vendrabuck there if you wish to follow me. I really dont say much just yet.

So I did gain some weight this week but I honestly expected it. I went to a friends party this weekend and did way to much partying. So there was much booze and pizza. So I mean I am not feeling to bad about it. But I need to get focus again.

Starting weight 202.4
Current weight 201
Change -1.4

I forgot to report in yesterday but I did go to my meeting. I am 200.2 pounds now so thats down again. I lost I believe it was 1.6 pounds.

Starting weight 202.4
Current weight 200.2
Change -2.2

So I joined weight watchers again because I was back up over 200. Okay I am only 202.3 but thats still back over 200 which I said I would never do again. Something I did last time that I think helped me was I would report my weight each week on my journals as a kind of way to be accountable. I think I am going to do that again. So the second week I weighed in I did not lose or gain, I was same weight as the previous week. But this was also the week of FC so I will just chalk that up to a win because I could have been so bad at con and was so tempted. This week I was down 0.5 pounds. Thats not as much as I would like but its down which is in the right direction.

Starting weight 202.3
Current weight 201.8
total loss 0.5

I should learn to just trust my friends. Seeing so many there at FC even just for a little bit certainly just made me feel so much better. I know things are going to be all good and this will be a fun con.

Well I will be going to FC as soon as I am done with work today. I do look forward to seeing friends and having some drinks with them. But at the same time I admit I am kind of going to be down this con. Its just been a bad past few months. I guess nothing more to say about that really.

On December 26th I got a call from a friend of mine letting me know that 4 of our mutual friends had been in a very serious car accident and that one of them had been killed. This one who has now passed was someone that I consider more than a friend; it was someone that I was close to and shared a powerful bond. His light is now gone from this world and the world is a darker place for it. I have been wandering around in somewhat of a daze inside my head since that day. I know that it’s going to take time, and I was certainly not the closest one to this person and so I could not even imagine the pain of others right now. I just had to post this here because it’s likely that the next few weeks are not going to be great. Some people who I might talk to I might be a bit short or cold and callous but I just feel so numb right now that I am not sure what to do. I think in part that me putting this here helps me because it lets me get feelings off my chest.
I also have a great fear for another closer friend that is going to be driving in the same dangerous conditions as the one that caused the accident. I honestly am very afraid for him and I could not take it if something happened to him as well. I did beg him to take a different route but that’s the best I can do. I just want him happy and safe.
I am not sure what else I can say right now. I have been over a million different what if’s in my head and trying to figure out what I can do and what I could have done, but it’s all pointless now. I just want one year, just one where I don’t lose someone special to me. It’s been far too long it seems since I have had just that one year.
PS. No. I will not give out names or details out of request from family. If you know the deceased then you already have heard and know who it is. I do have permission to make a post like this though.

So Guild Wars 2 has taken the best RPG of the year and I am willing to bet is going to take game of the year. If that happens, well I will likely be getting it. So I was just wondering who all plays and if so where do people or large numbers of furs play so that I might join in the mayhem.

Happy end of the world day to you all.

So thanksgiving approaches and I have sooooooo much to do and even more things that people have invited me over for things. I am not yet sure what I am going to do. Hell I really even need to get work done so I might just go in to work. I guess I will figure it out on Wednesday night at the last minute, much like I do most things.

Now the Friday after, well I am pondering if I should do my usual tradition which is I like to go out to the mall and just watch the total chaos. Its kind of soothing to me really to watch a part of humanity just frothing at the mouth to get "deals" on simple physical items. I don't know, there is just something about watching the chaos, the people fighting and pushing each other, and all for silly things really. Maybe it reminds me a little bit of how I must try hard to not be like that and to honestly never let myself become that greedy or obsessed with material things to the point I would be willing to fight over them. I mean come on, in the grand scheme of life, do these physical things really matter?

But in the ends I realize that people will do what makes them happy and I am certainly not one to ever tell anyone that my ways are better. Everyone must decide for themselves and live their life. In the end I just wish all people happiness and a good life. And so to that end to all my friends that read this....


Happy Thanksgiving!

Just a quick update to let people know that I am feeling much better. With the support of friends things have turned out quite well. Life is always still good.

I can't seem to make the pain stop from the breakup and its driving me crazy. I keep running like the full swing of emotions in a 24 hour period and its getting hard to deal with. I mean I am not taking it out on anyone (I think) but that's really getting hard to hold back. I know this is just going to take time, but I swear to god the more time that goes by the worse it gets. I am not stupid, I know things will get better but I thought it would of at least gotten a little better by now!

Its not fair, I want to hold him again so badly, to talk to him, to try and make things right, or well at least right as I see things. We were perfect for one another because we had so much in common. I just don't understand, or well I kind of understand but I don't understand why things ended as they did instead of being given a chance to address concerns.

Last time I had a problem like this, well it destroyed me pretty bad and poisoned me forever against the one that hurt me so, but that was just because they really kind of just kicked me to the curb and then never talked to me again. At least in this case I was given the chance to address concerns and that way I know this will all heal. But right now the pain is just so damn intense. I just want it to end (the pain, not my life just to be clear.)