So I was really interested in  winddragon and since about November of last year was really trying to spend some time with him. I went to visit him, was rooming with him at cons, was chatting with him and playing games with him and so on. I was just trying to see if things would work out. I did not think we were dating because I would try and approach the subject and he kept giving me an evasive answer on things. Well I guess he was not feeling it like I was because two nights ago he told me he was dating someone else. Well needless to say I was crushed pretty hard. We talked a lot about why and what and who, I really was trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. He was very honest in telling me so I respect that. But I just wish I would have been given a chance to address the issues.

It was towards the end I realized that if in 8 months he was not feeling the same about me as I was about him, but he did start to feel that way about another, well I am not sure there is much I could do. Thats just life I guess. Does not make the pain any less but oh well. I have shed my tears, there might be a few more I am not sure.

In the end I of course want  winddragon happy. I will always care deeply for him but its just not meant to be, then its not meant to be. I could go into great detail about the whole thing, the details, the highs I felt and my approach to it all, but there is really no point. Its just another person that I had such feelings for that shot me down.

So I just finished my first week at a new job, and its looking good. There are a ton of improvements that need to be made to help streamline things but that was to be expected. I am certainly looking forward to the challenge

I really hate being attracted to someone so far away. It sucks in terms of trying to get to know them more and stuff. Really wish the heart would make better decisions sometimes.

yay I have made it to AC. Its been almost 10 years since I have been to an AC and I can already tell you I am a little overwhelmed. So much to do and so little time. So much fursuiting goodness that I must get done!

So here is my FC 2012 report. FULL OF AWESOME!

More details to come later I hope :)

Today would be Athus's birthday. If Athus affected, influenced or in some manner was a part of your life, please pass along this message to others and take a moment of silence today to remember him. He will live on forever in spirit within our hearts.


Fly as a beautiful dragon  athus for your friends still hold you in their hearts and always will

Happy Hatchday

I wish everyone a happy new year! Most of my resolutions and changes really occurred back in October and those change continue.

Merry Christmas to all and a happy nude deer!

High up in the air that is . I have inflight internet and its awesome! Right now I am over North Carolina and on my way back to California. I have to say its pretty damn cool that I have in flight internet. First time I have ever had it. Now if I just had the little adapter to plug into the seat power so my laptop would last the whole 5 and a half hour trip. Oh well can't have everything.

So I wake up this morning to discover the company I work for is being acquired and it being taken from public to private. I am happy and yet scared at the same time. Going to be holding my breath over the next few weeks because honestly anything could happen right now.

Hotel:
The Hilton

Arrival/Departure:
Thur. Jan 12th - Sun. Jan 15th

Staying in the main hotel:
I guess not, I learned the Marriot is the main but I am in the other connected to the convention center

Means of transportation:
Local so I am driving

Sharing a room with:
 winddragon and that's it at this time

Who do you hang out with:
A lot of people. Sage, Arlon, Akerin, Sargon, Kiteless, Winddragon, Bluefist, Snowwolf, Baja, Ford, Raptor Red, Delphin, Wolf, Orzel, Jimmy, Glenn, Seth....oh god I am going to run out of space. Many people but I welcome more still as I love to get to know people.

Gender:
Male

Preference:
I have to have one? I kind of just go with who the person is on the inside really. Okay I admit I swing more towards other males

Relationship Status:
Single

Open:
for what....business?

How old are you:
36

Are you an Artist:
No

Are you a Fursuiter:
Yes, sadly thought new suit will not be ready in time. Oh well there is AC

How many Fursuits are you going to bring/wear:
One

Which Characters:
Vendra Buck

Any new suits or characters Debuting:
no :(

Attending parties:
I know I will be at some but I don't know what they are yet

Do you drink:
Yes, even more so if you are buying

Can I buy you a drink:
See above :)

Are you attending any panels:
ADP, and some fursuit panels.

Stage or public performance:
Just me dancing

How do I identify my self to you:
Say hello. I might seem a little busy and chaotic though because well its a con and I get like that at cons.

Rules of engagement (physical Contact out of Suit):
If you know me and I have at least talked to you some then you are welcome to hug me. I am usually open enough to give a hello hug as well if you are just kind and friendly. Just pouncing on me though is usually not a good idea. I would recommend just saying hello :)

Personality Type:
Umm, that's a hard one to answer. I mean I guess overall, submissive, caring, type really. Generally open and outgoing.

How do I know if you're not looking to socialize (angry, busy or upset):
honestly, you will not see me around if that's the case. I will be in my room.

Anything to add:
I am a little chaotic at cons because there is so much that I try to do. If I seem like I am going crazy and do not talk to you as long as you might like please don't take it personal, I am just busy. Also if you call out for me when you see me in suit and I don't seem to respond, its very likely I did not hear you. Feel free to come over and give me a tap on the shoulder and then you know you got my attention. And I will certainly be at all the dances in suit so feel free to come an dance with me

Can I kidnap you for *Cencored*:
yes please.....err I mean okay likely not unless I know you :) Still I am very flattered that you might want to and usually quite open to hugs and talking.

You ever have a dream about someone that was just so powerful that you woke up almost in tears? Well that was me this morning. I let someone go from my life and then ignored them forever and I guess recent things in life have reminded me so much of how they really were my other half that completed me and I just let them go and then got angry at them because they left. God I am an idiot sometimes, and completely falling apart it seems.

So I got back home last night all safe and sound and stuff. Many thanks to my friend that gave me a ride and my host for the Thanksgiving party as well. It was wonderful to not spend that time alone. But now I am back at work and for some reason I feel like I am about to twist off. Something has me right at the edge and I am about to just make some really bad decisions. Its like suddenly reality came back and decided to kick me in the balls. WTF?!?! Ah well, sometimes I have this problem of making things out to be a lot worse then they actually are. Things will be a little better next month as I am going to visit a dragon friend of mine that I really do miss a lot. I am so looking forward to this time because I hope to get to know him much more. I just want happy times again you know

So Thanksgiving certainly went well and I had a great time. As usual of course I ate far to much but I blame the host for that because he set out a large spread of just deserts and a chocolate fountain. How in the hell am I supposed to resist that! So yes I ate far more than I should so I will need to run around try and eat a lot less over the next few days.

Still there is some question though on when I will be getting back. The truck that rode up in is still being worked on so its not yet suitable for the long road trip back home. I will still put my faith in the owner though that they will get it fixed. They have to get to work on Monday to so I know they are working hard. I am sure I can get Monday off though if needed, I think I will email my manager a warning today about my situation of being trapped without transportation.

Well back to the gathering as things are starting to start up it seems.

So I have been traveling in a truck for the past 17 hours. The total mileage for the trip is about I think around 600 miles but I am a passenger on this trip and there have been a couple of detours and not all of them were planned. I just got through trying to sleep in the back seat and while I did okay it was not exactly restful. We are finally close now and I am quite happy. It's going to kind of take all thanksgiving day for me to recover. The driver / owner of the vehicle I am ridding in though is a great guy and very kind for giving me a ride so I should not be as bitey as I feel right now but I cant help it. I have been stuck in this vehicle for a little to long and I still have to do it again going back. Oh well I just hope it does not take as long to get back Monday for work.

I also hope this is a good trip to see friends for thanksgiving. I kind of only have 1 close family member and that's my sister. All the rest are dead or we are just not close at all and have clue about me. So really all I have out here are friends, they are my family

So I am house and dog sitting for a couple of friends that went to MFF. I certainly do not mind at all though because they have been wonderful friends to me and do nice things for me. I am somewhat depressed though because I hear this was an amazing MFF this year and many people were there I would have really liked to spend time with. But sadly I did not plan enough in time and so I stayed at home. Ah well, teach me to plan better

I did get to do fursuit bowling with Groggy fox though and it was a lot of fun. I am hoping I can get the pics and post them up to my FA account soon. I only scored a 56 but when you are wearing hooves and the ball just kind of slips off, well trust me its a lot harder than you think. I did however get 1 strike in the 10th frame. Boy was I happy about that.

I continue my journey of self discovery really, trying to figure myself out. I kind of dug myself a giant hole here so I know its going to be a hard climb out. Still there are several changes that I have already made which have been for the better so that's a good thing. I admit a couple of them have been rather painful but that's just life you know. I realize there is still a long way to go.

Check this out for a chance to get in an orgy by an awesome artist!!! http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2865748/ for information!

First I wish to say that I will not name names. I don’t feel its right. And second I am sorry for the very long post but its important to me.

Recent events in the furry community have caused me to reflect a great deal as of late. I wanted to wait some time before I wrote of this though because I wanted to make sure, to look long and hard within myself, to start the changes that I needed to make and to make sure that they are right, before I posted this public message. First I should explain how I got here.

There have been a few deaths that have occurred over the past couple of weeks that have made me take stock in a great many things. One did not affect me to much other than it made me sad. The other though, the death of a dragon, tore at my heart and my soul. Now I will admit I did not know the person all that well but it was the fact that a dragon had passed from this world, that’s what was killing me. I have always had a very strong connection with dragons in spirit. Those that I have always felt closest to, those that I wish I could have done things different, all but one of them is a dragon. This connection it’s just something that is there within me that makes my soul feel whole when around them and I can’t explain it to well other than to say I feel it. It’s something I have always felt when I was around others that are dragons. When one passed from this world it just tore at me. It was this pain that caused me to suddenly take a very deep look within myself, with who I was and what I was doing to myself. In a sense it shook me to my core and shook everything lose that I had ever done to try and protect myself from being hurt. In the end, it causes me to rethink everything and make some large changes. The first is no longer being afraid.

What I realize I have been doing most of my life is that I have been living in fear, fear of rejection and loss. Let me take the first part, the rejection. I realize now that everyone that I have ever felt some kind of connection with, some kind of possible spark, I ran. Where I could have nurtured it and tried to develop it and see how it would grow, instead I would be afraid that I would just lose that person so I would either run from them, ignore them , or I would be mean to them. I was thinking there is no way they could ever have a desire for someone like me. I can think of a few that I certainly did this to, one in particular a wonderful dragon soul who was once my roommate. He made me feel wonderful and instead of me actually giving it a chance I treated him like shit from day one because I was afraid. I am not afraid to say now that I did cry over the fact that I realize what I did to him. Another dragon that I speak of I actually had a long talk with this past week on the phone and he helped me through a great deal of this. The last 2, well one I have talked to and as I am working to no longer run in fear from these things, well I am actually trying to foster a relationship that may never grow more than a friendship but you know what, at least then I can say I tried. The last one, well him I ran from long ago when I was again stupid and afraid. Today he still remains a friend although I have never told him how much I did care for him. I must face him and tell him the truth. Writing all this is part of my first step to no longer be afraid though. The second major change is that I will no longer be just what people want to see and I will explain that more.

Those that know me well know that I have had a few forms over my time here on furry. I started off long ago as a dolphin because well I liked them, they were cute and I was working to be a marine biologist which by the way is very boring so you better love it if you really want to get into it. I did not show up as a dragon because well I did not want people to think I was crazy that I really liked this mythological creature. Now in hindsight, before I keep going I want to make this next part perfectly clear! I feel a strong connection with and a bond with dragons but I am not a dragon! I know that to be the truth. There is much I am working out but I know that much to be true. Okay back to the history lesson. I started to really feel it was just not me though, the whole dolphin thing. I one day found a mailing list that was devoted to erotic dragon stories, art, you name it. Well I jumped on that right away. It was there I met a great artist and friend that drew a lot of gryphon’s. I commented on how cute they were and he made mention that he could totally see me as a gryphon. I thought sure why not so I made a gryphon form. I confess that some of the more popular in the group seem to really like this as well so I kind of went with it for a while. It was simple fear of loss that I did this. I had no self confidence really so the acceptance was most welcome to me. In the end I was just doing something to please others though, and not myself. Finally I met someone I feel head over heels for, and this person was a buck. I basically made mention to them how I thought bucks were cute and well I made a buck persona for him to play with. In short I honestly was crushing hard for them and wanted them so bad to be my mate I would have done anything to try and get it. I was trying to be what they wanted to see. In all these cases I was just afraid of losing what little acceptance I felt I had and so I would be or do anything really to get it. But I am not sure it was ever me. Given everything that I have felt recently I realize what I have been doing. So I now face the fact that I have never been true to myself. I mean I think a part of all these things may contain a small part of my personality but they are not the whole, or at least I am not sure anymore. This is all part of me having to look deep at myself, to realize all that I have done and to try and figure out just who I am for once, and not who I think others want me to be. I may actually dump Vendra and just let him pass into history because to try and change again if I do feel I find my true self, well I am not sure I should use the same name I was using before.

The last major change that I can mention now is that I have stopped doing a lot of time sinks that I was doing. They were just a way for me to try and hide and not think about these things. Never again, I am done! I have run to long and spent far to much time away from those I care about just because I am afraid that I might get hurt. Well getting hurt is how we live and grow and never come to regret in later years when we ask what if we had just done X.

This I all that I have been reflecting on over the past few days. I know this is a large read and if you made it this far, well I thank you. To many, this will not concern them so much except as to why I might have always seemed a little distant. To a couple, I hope that you take what I have said to heart and well that you understand why I did what I did. I am not saying that its right, and in fact I am so sorry for what I did, but these have been my cowardly reasons.

I no longer will live in fear. I will no longer run. I will no longer try and just be what others want to see in me in hopes of fostering something that is not there. I will be me. I will let people get to know me. And if things come from that, then wonderful. If not then I can at least say I did not run in fear.

So I have noticed a lot of artist posting this survey in their journals, and its all well and good but man I am going to be very busy over the next few days trying to answer them honestly because well I just watch so many artist :). I mean sure some of the questions are going to be the same answers but some will be different. Oh well no time like the present to get started on it. So if you posted a survey I will get it it, its just going to take me a little time

So I am still working on my rather long reflection of me, its kind of hard to write but its something that I must do else I risk going back to who I used to be really. I will not return there as I have wasted so much of my life there.

Had my one on one meeting with the boss yesterday and he really did not inspire confidence in me at all that my company will keep a lot of us engineers after the current project is done. You know what, maybe that will be good because I am trying to make massive change in my life and this will give me a reason to maybe up and move, to maybe try and be closer to those that I want to be around right now.

Come on FA, finish moving the data already. I really really really want to update my avatar.

Well lets see how this week goes. I will likely be making a very large post about self reflection here but I am not sure many people will read it as I have not exactly posted here much at all. I guess we will see.

Just a quick update that Narse is fine. I am sure those that want to know that already do but in case anyone reads my journals I thought I would post it.

Friends & family of Athus Nadorian aka Brian Dyer

On Tuesday the 11th of October 2011, Athus was involved in a severe car collision that ended his time here with us. The 29 years of his life were filled with amazing stories, incredible adventures and outstanding creativity and talent. He shared his love of life, affection for others and sense of humor with many wonderful people. In memory of Athus and his special life, his closest kin have created a website for others to share their experiences with Athus as well as share photos and artwork. An email address has been established to send your wishes in to be posted on the site athus@athusnadorian.com. Thank you for your kind words, love and support through all of this. Remember to love life, hold your friends close and have a little fun - Athus wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Please visit the site we have established www.athusnadorian.com and use the email address athus[at]athusnadorian.com to share your wishes to allow time for his closest kin to mourn peacefully.

---

Today, a very talented artist by the name of Athus was taken from us and his mate Narse is in critical condition after a very bad car accident. I have no real words with which I can express the sadness that I feel right now. I knew them only in passing at the cons. I would talk with them and just make casual conversation but they were always so nice. A great light has gone out in the world that will never be replaced and now I pray that another will not leave us.

My friend Seth bag was lost by the FC hotel staff. Its believed that the bag was delivered to the wrong room. If you would please take a look at this post http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2031031/ and see if you by chance ended up with this bag in your room and maybe thought that it was your roommates or something. In any case please take a look. Thank you all