My cat is dead today. Today, and for two other days prior, I finally began forcefeeding him, in order to ensure he would not starve to death, as he was refusing to eat. He was not ill with any new illness, nor facing injuries. He was not very old either, middle-aged, just over 10 years old... getting close to the point in a few years he would be old/elderly. But he has had a liver disease preventing the proper function of his liver for a whole year now.
It seems it was his time, but I cannot accept it as such. I feel like I could have done more. I feel like he is dead because I didn't care for him well enough. We buried him just moments ago, along with a funerary covering and offerring of food. I spoke, said goodbye, and yet am still crying.
With his death comes a further loss of my will to life. My life is pretty poor. Now only one other cat in this house needs me, a kitten that will be an young adult in alittle over a year (he will be 3).
My family is affected in various ways from our cat's death. My stepdad is unaffected with sorrow, he doesn't like cats much... oddly, he doesn't understand why we are so sad over this. My mom cried, for me and 'Tinker. My brother Erik cried for a very short time for our cat. My other siblings Sean and Elizabeth are at work, and do not know what happened with 'Tinker, his death this afternoon, his burial this evening. I don't know how they will react honestly. Sean was close with 'Tinker like me... Elizabeth not so much, but still cared about him.
This is the end of this story... this telling is over... 'Tinker will be remember for always being kind and caring as a cat... horribly abused for his fur color and loud meowing... loved by the few... and loving the many.

People have been attacking me because I do not support hunting and killing animals for entertainment and/or profit.
Of all things, a person I've watched on FA for a long time, and used to chat all the time with FAV'ing all their art creations, someone who was a good friend long ago, has been telling their FA friends who are pro-hunting people to join in verbally attacking me on a mass-scale.
I'm enraged, annoyed, betrayed. This person back-stabbed me for no reason. I've never sent any means of insult and remain in support of them and their art creations even now, but they seem to hate me with an extreme feeling. As a so-called Native American, I do not understand why she supports her new friends who support hunting and killing for fun and money. She doesn't even share those beliefs and hates them, much like I do.
Oddly, another Furry that's a Native American appeared, gave comments, and even a branch of friendship, appeared right before these attacks started. He is a good person with heavy morals and set in supporting the teaching of old traditions in spite of being youthful and a part of this new age.
I'm wondering if friendship with a different Native American is what is enraging FF? Or maybe that I haven't been close with her the past year? No matter... being betrayed is betrayal. Yet hating friends is something that I cannot do. I'm sure there must be some reason for all this...
I recent blocked Dark_Zorse, my main attacker right now, who immediately blocked me shortly after we began talking... she had refused to stop following me on and off FA... and leaving comments on my 'ignorance' of how good hunters are for the environment. the thing is, she says one organization that admitted to hunting several pheasants to extinction is a moral group dedicated to preserving life, even though as hunters they hunt the animals they protect, even with a species to extinction. Dark_zorse has also been sending a lot of conservative republican propaganda and pro-christian and white-power garbage my way. I'm getting enraged... I'll find a way to block her on other websites. These acts cannot go unforgiven and ignored!

A FA staff member accused me of making false allegations about a fellow furry having a criminal past and that it would jeopardize the site.
I don't understand where it came from, I would never lie about such a thing, and never jeopardize this site. Law is a very serious thing to me, everyone who knows me knows that.
Every generation in my family has had police officers, and I'm next in line with this wonderful legacy.
That said, its very hurtful, does this staff member realize how painful their accusations are?
Well, that said, this is most likely a misunderstanding, or someone making up a rumor about me, over why I was contacted via note by this person. Hopefully this stuff blows over and is ignored, there is no reason to argue over something that never happened.

It seems my cat 'Tinker gets worse and worse, and he's one of the reasons I have a reason to live.
He eats only every few days, and even then very little. He drinks enough water though.
He's gotten thin, bony, and malnourished... and in spite of this he is always purring happily when I'm by him.
I'm worried that his liver disease a year ago might actually finally be effecting him. Without a fully functional liver, this was inevitably going to happen...
If anything staying with him and comforting him now and then seems to be the most I can do.

After a few hours they found them in the neighborhood.
I was too tired to continue staying up though or mention it in a journal.
I haven't told my sister what happened, and do not know if she knows or not.
If anything I'm less pissed at my mom and step-dad now.
I'm glad our cats are safe.

​My mom and step-dad lost my sister's cats. Drew and Goldy, two house cats my sisters adopted while she was overseas at Okinawa, are gone. How did this happen? They opened the door to the house, and never closed it, and they ran out, while I was asleep in my room. These cats know nothing of this continent or community and are strictly house cats. If they ever leave the house, it can be forever. My mom and step-dad were unwilling to go looking for them until I threatened to inform my sisters they let them outside into the front yard. Drew and Goldy are currently wandering our community but their location is unknown.

If anyone from New Jersey finds a large plump orange spayed female or a long then grey striped grey neutered male cat they might be my sister's cats.

I hate these two selfish uncaring asshats. "It's not our fault the cats wanted to go outside! Mistakes happen! You should quit this shit and blaming people for being wrong!" Was what my mom had to say about this. When my sister returns home from her full time job, if those cats are still wandering the community, and my parents have given up looking, again, I'll stab my parents in the back by revealing they let the cats outside.

My mom apologized to me recently. She mentioned how living under our house and following its rules must be stressful for me, but she assured me that it would be temporary, as once Aris is gone, the rules will change to something more tolerable for us all. Aris apologized as well, and said he may try to be more sympathetic to my needs as long as I am sympathetic to his needs.
This is coupled with that the bedtime for everyone has been raised to 11PM, everything is basically the same otherwise. My mom and Aris are still slightly angry and disgusted at me it seems. My siblings just don't care... and if anything, all this does is make me less depressed, but still depressed.
Well, this is better than nothing. And a little sympathy and compassion is better than none. Perhaps things will truly change?

Once again my family hates me... I got into an arguement with my step-cousin Aris.
Aris continues to refuse to allow me to stay up later than 10PM... and refuses to allow me to keep the computer or a light on at the house because he claims he has undiagnosed untreated OCD that prevents him from sleeping if he believes there is a living being awake near him and that he can see light through walls and hear digital data.
My mom got furious when I argued with Aris that for the entirety of August, he has controlled our 'bedtimes' for that entire month, as well as made a schedule for when and when not our family can use the internet. He continues with this shit behavior and rules this month. I oppose Aris, my step-cousin of 15 years old, and my mom verbally attacks me.
She said I have no right to have my own freedom in a house I have not built and owned, that she controls such things and she supports 'Aris's needs'. She said I have no right to call Aris a liar about his claims and to call him a con-artist like his father (who proudly admits to being 'a professional con-man, and the best in the business' mind you). I have no right to friends outside of the family, or use of the internet in the first place, as I only pay for a portion of the household bills, and not all of our bills.
Aris ran out storming angry that he 'does not have the authority rightfully mine' as he calls it. When he did that, my mom stated how I am piece of crap, and how I should have succeeded in the past at my attempts at suicide. 'If you were dead the world would be a better place'.
I'm wondering, my mom wants me to commit suicide to help my family out of a hard place... should I listen to her again?

Yesterday I mentioned that it was my birthday and I was having a good day.
Yesterday I said 'tomorrow' which is today my family would have my party today.
Turns out its delayed... by my mom... for 'family circumstances'.
My 3 siblings, Sean, Erik, and Liz, are making it up to me tonight, by taking me out to dinner.
It'll be just as good. I'm surprised a work schedule is considered 'family circumstances' for a birthday party. Normally it should be someone getting married, divorced, dieing, being born, but instead, its work.
I'll have a good dinner and a nice time with my siblings. Who needs anything else?

Buh buh buh, buh buh buh buh Birthday!
Yip yip yip, yip yip yip Birthday!
Wee wee wee, wee wee wee Birthday!
It's a birthday!

Today, has been good so far.
My cat 'Tinker has eaten a small bit, and drank plenty.

My family has promised me pizza and cake for dinner.
And tomorrow my family will take me and for dinner with everyone, since my sister Liz and brother Sean will be missing today.
I hope the pizza and cake will arrive and be awesome!
And I hope my presents will be awesome too.

Amazing that today has been so good so far.

My vacation to Baltimore Maryland was actually nice. It could have been better, but it could have been so much worse! I'm glad I enjoyed myself.
We visited the National Aquarium, and while my family at first was trying to rush me through it (I am legally blind so it takes a long time for me to see and read things) they eventually said that they would be willing to slow down and even wait while I enjoyed the sights.
This was on our first day, in which we also went to a Chipotle's restaurant. We also went to a seafood restaurant that is part of a small chain. I enjoyed my meal at both places.
We visited the Riply's Believe It Or Not museum as well. My mother did pull a prank on me while we were there, leading me into a hallway of mirrors with flashing lights. I bumped into multiple walls while in there, and many people laughed at how random and stupid I was acting (truth be told I wasn't purposely going into the mirror walls... I'm legally fucking blind!).
The vacation made up almost 40 hours, going in the early morning one day, and arriving home late at night another day. Might I add, sleeping at the hotel was wonderful. I'm glad that I went.
Though, there is one worry, my cat 'Tinker has not eaten or drank anything since the day I left on the vacation, my sister had no desire to care for him. I got him to drink some water tonight, maybe he'll eat in the morning?

Feeling even more sad and angry... any worse and I'll be suicidal again...
My step-father refuses to acknowledge me as his family, friend, or step-son.
My mother continues to react angrily to me being imperfect and ruining her perfect reputation.
My sister continues to talk about how I'm a whiny angry little bitch and that I should grow some balls and 'learn to cope'.
My brothers continue to avoid talking with me about my problems and sorrows, calling me insults if I bring them up.
Today, was my step-mother in law's birthday. The parents of my step-brother Brian's wife.
The same wife whose family accused me of being a Satanist because I play Dungeons and Dragons.
They think the video games and computer games are used to summon demons from Monitors.
I was accused of being a Terrorist at the birthday. Apparently I and my siblings and mother are terrorists because we are all descended of a middle eastern man... my grandfather. A devout Christian of Palestinian origin. How typical.
I also had to deal with being accused of supporting the invasion of America. That I support the Syrian Puppet President and African born and raised Barrack Obama. They literally believe Fox News and the NRA that Barrack Obama is a Syrian born and raised in Africa that is secretly attempting to raise an all black army to conquer the USA.
They said how Godless folk like I should be condemned and hated and killed. That a Buddhist can't be a good person because not believing or worshiping God is the greatest evil commit-able.
I hate this day. I hate this night. I hate my life. I hate my family and their friends.

Tomorrow we will go to Baltimore, Maryland, to visit the State Aquarium. We will go there with specific people. Only my mom, step-dad, step-brother Kevin, Kevin's wife and daughter Jess and Lilly, will come. My brother Sean might come. My other brother and my sister will not come at all. It will be hell. The refused to allow me to pack my own belongings tonight, saying that I will just plan to lay around the hotel chatting and playing games via internet to strangers and evil people like furries and non-God worshipers.

Hopefully, when I return, things will be better, as I have returned to a suicidal mindset, and mildly suicidal mindset mind you. I'm not going to try and kill myself unless things get worse. I'll send a message of what happens out-of-state on Monday night, in September. See you all... hopefully... I can't live seeing hearing and feeling this hell-hole.

Well... the past several days have been worse and worse...
My family has been restricting my use of the internet, forbidding me from using it for online games for multiple hours a day... they render the internet useless by turning on every internet using device in the house simultaneously at once and using them heavily whenever they discover that I am playing games on the computer.
Even worse, my family continues to hound and stalk me, forbidding me from partaking in the furry fandom, which they condemn as evil and immoral, and continuing to allow both our brother in laws' wives to continue verbally attacking me for playing dungeon and dragons games, a form of 'satanic video games'.
Also, I've been eating a lot less food for the past several days... my family refuses to grocery shop for food that can be eaten in my diet, and they want me to eat things like beef, pork, and lamb. I won't, it's against my beliefs and ideals.
The lack of food, games, and communication with others, is taking a tole on my mood and sanity.
Today I cursed a lot, and my mother threatened to send me to the mental hospital if she heard me say a single curse word more tonight. I haven't said any more curses tonight... but I fucking hate that I cannot express my anger...
I'm not yet driven back into committing suicide. But I am pissed off, and malnourished, and bored...

Well, I gobbled over 2 dozen pills, since I didn't have enough for my plan of suicide.
I wake up not too many minutes ago covered in drool and a bit of puke...
My head is pounding, I feel nauseated, and sad and disgusted.
I failed to kill myself yet again, but then again, without enough pills, this would not have worked.
I feel like shit. I can't live happily or die on my own terms. I have no control over my life.
Isn't it the most funny, twisted, and partially ironic thing?
To all my friends who worried about me... thanx. To all strangers who worried about me, thank you all too. To all my friends who abused me, well, fuck you, I'm still alive, this sucks for all of us then huh?

As title says, yes... indeed... an obviously true statement and a most perplexing anomaly.
My fucking family sucks... why have I yet to commit suicide? More like, why have I never succeeded in suicide...
Well, once again, every member of my family has locked themselves in their bedrooms... this is their solution to every situation in which I am horribly sad, and I am crying and sobbing hysterically, or I am horribly angry, and I am yelling and cursing. Even when I threaten to kill myself, whether sad or angry, and if I have a knife to my throat and my throat is bleeding, not once in my life has my family every intervened to talk to me. Never before in my life has my family ever once consoled me, never once in these 26 odd years of life, soon to be 27, has my family shown kindness compassion or sympathy to me when I am sad or angry. I am beginning to think they are trying to get me to commit suicide, especially since they react very angry and abusively when I have failed suicide attempts, by yelling at me, cursing, and even destroying my belongings.

I have no loving sibling or parent when it comes to these things. They all hope and pray to God I die...
So why am I alive? I don't know... maybe its because I can access a computer and phone. After-all, every time I have been convinced not to commit suicide, it has been because of such devices and the ability to contact others. Even more ridiculous, most of my attempts at suicide have been stopped by people visiting our home, never my family, sometimes in which they actually watch. So... I'm alive because people care about me being alive... but never my blood-kin... who feel the opposite.

I could go into the situation that has left me in my state. My parents do not pay their internet bills, relying on me and my siblings, while everyone in my family uses the internet. Even more annoying, we pay the bills. To complicate things further, we have a crappy satellite connection, a fully wireless internet, in which if more than one device uses the internet, all devices with the internet, excluding one, will stop functioning properly in regards to all things internet. Because I play online games, use Skype, and watch Youtube videos, this hinders me the most. My parents and siblings never have used such things before. They endlessly download pirated music and videos and focus more on texting and visiting weird and whacky websites offering 'miracle deals'.
This has been one of the last days I do not have to have my cousin living in my house and him having whole use of internet for the entire PM. Soon, I will have no access to Skype, Youtube, and Online Games again. And for over a week, my family has made it so that I only use the internet from as much as 2 hours to at least 1 hour a day. Though two days ago I never got to use the internet at all. I've gotten frustrated to an extreme. My mom was on a laptop browsing the internet for more 'miracle deals' and whispering to my step-dad about how great things exotic goods and cures and stuff that can do anything from 'change your life forever', 'perfect beauty', 'become younger' to 'cure cancer', and doing so for a full hour. I could not take them being in the same room as me, whispering to each-other over these things, while I ask every 15 minutes (4 times) "Are you on the internet?" and them answering, "Nope." I eventually confront them and they say I have no right to know what they are doing and spending their money on, and I should play more vidya games. I tell them what I have told them for over a year now. The internet does not function if more than one device uses it at our home, they are using the internet, and my computer's games will not run if they use the internet."Aw, isn't that too bad. Well, then go outside. Your bothering us." I can not express how irritated at that response, but it is a common response from both my mom and sister. I then go to my brother Erik, a fellow rape victim, homosexual, and anti-religious fanatic. "Why should I give a shit you can't talk with your friends or play games with them? Grow the fuck up and leave if its so bad for you." I then grow angry. I tell my mom we need a family meeting. "We'll do it tomorrow, I'm not talking to you now with how angry you are, demanding meetings and being allowed to play dumb games..." She goes to her room, slams the door and locks it with my step-dad with her. I go to Erik, who continues to use the internet on his Cell-Phone to look up funny photos of girls puking, and ask him to stop using his Cell-Phone so I can use the internet. "Fuck no! You can't tell me what to do.!" "Well if I can't use the internet to play my games or chat over Skype maybe you'd like to be the one paying all the expenses for the internet." "What, I already spend tons of cash at this house. I even buy you subs and junk food. I'm not spending money on something that I never use!" He then goes to his room, turns over, gives me the finger, and slams the door, and locks it. I then go and tell my parents and brother if I went suicide they wouldn't even care. "Then go do it!" Erik replies. My mom and step-dad, silent. I feel like shit and my family treats me like shit!
I don't even have friends that want me alive anymore. My lifelong childhood friend and fellow furry whose name I won't say because I love him and want him to succeed in life as an artist that much quit being my friend because I refused to become a Christian. He continues to make art, commissions, and is even painting, but refuses to be my friend until I become a Christian and accept God into my life. I mean, seriously, 13 years, and all that money spent on Christmas and Birthday gifts for him over the most recent, and he convinces me to overdose on my meds because he said the world we be better off if I committed suicide. He's no Barney the Purple Dinosaur, the opposite of friendly and kind, but with the same appearance if he had made a fursuit.
I'm just going to leave this journal up, if someone cares, they'll comment. Otherwise, I'm going to try overdosing again tonight. I failed, and my family hates me for failing and continue to talk about me being too weak to kill myself while my true, eternal friend couldn't give a shit that I am still alive. Maybe, I need someone who will say, "Don't give up! Never surrender, and turn that frown upside down!"... another person to call a true eternal friend like him, but who will care when I need compassion the most...

[edit] addition: I suppose I could mention other shit. Interesting conversation on Steam:
vinchenzojackal&soldier@bay: Life sucks unbearable... to the point its no longer worth living... I wonder how many people have been stuck on the edge of a blade and are just too damn heavy from sorrow to get off it? Seems its way too common place for my liking...
Rysir is now Online.
vinchenzojackal&soldier@bay: My so called fellow furry and good friend Resko from Texas went on a tangeant about how I should consider myself filth and scum no different from a murderer and rapist.
vinchenzojackal&soldier@bay: It seems people on Steam, and the furry community, suddenly find it funny when I post a comment less than half hour ago about what horrible situations my life is in several hours ago.
Rysir: You should not let it bother you because you know what they are saying is not true
vinchenzojackal&soldier@bay: Apparently if I'm suicidal, I'm evil, a monster. I told him I was raped, and he only used it as an excuse why I'm as bad as rapist, and why I should just shut up and die.
vinchenzojackal&soldier@bay: Well, what is true is that everyone I know outside the internet wants me to die, and my family is encouraging me to commit suicide.
It happened due to another conversation with a fellow furry, a Texan by the name of Resko Vakkradde. He attacked me basically for even considering suicide, and that people like me are worse than criminals like (see above). A devout Christian and member of the NRA... this should not surprise me.
I have shit online and offline, I made a journal, and sought sympathy, and apparently get attacked for it. It couples with my slow loss of eyesight hair and teeth I've been dealing with over the past decade. I'm 26... now... I might not be 27... I've been convinced via conversation with my fellow furries... the majority want me dead. Turns out Resko isn't the only one on Steam who doesn't care about me... but Rysir and Leongon really do. If you two don't hear anything from me for a while, its cause my pills the doctor prescribed me for sleep aids finally worked.

War isn't always a thing that needs to be fought, and countless wars in history of been fought for the most stupid reasons. Racial superiority, political superiority, religious superiority, territorial disputes, resource disputes, and finally, over no god damn good reason.

Uniquely, many wars treat only one side as the bad side in history books, like with my country, who villifies every enemy we have ever faced, as well as every enemy in a war predating our country in which people who serve the supreme one god was facing.

However, if people attempt any means of open-mindedness, then it quickly changes with the enemy.

Vietnamese on both side, allies and enemies of America turned against America, because the war was over how France was using Vietnam for profit, and treating its people as inferior with no authority compared to the supreme white race, and when America joined in, Vietnamese united and drove France out, and their conflict with eachother was minor that many didn't care for killing over, except America. We Americans were forcing a war against people who didn't want a war. Quite obviously, bad guys, us, not them.
WW2, against the Japanese, we were poorly treating the Japanese, their country, and Japanese Americans prior to the bombing of Pearl Harbor. We performed a boycott of trade and exchanges with them and demanded our allies do the same. We were deporting their people, and imprisoning those who were born in America. We were also aiding a Communist dictatorship they were at war with, China. The Japanese had a culture based around honor and respect, and we spat in their faces for embracing such 'lunacy'. Even worse, we refused to let their soldiers when captured die with honor, as interrogators tortured them before killing them, using urine and feces and electrocution as a means for extracting information in English, which we expected all Japanese to know and speak, and they rarely did. Even more so, when the war ended, we added the insult that we still had weeks of attacks on the Japanese mainland before there was a rebuilding of Japan, in which experimental chemical weapons were used.
Finally, the War on Terror. We went to war against terrorists who attacked our country, right? Al Qaeda? Wrong. Very quickly, we went and attacked Iraq, whose regime had put a bounty on all leaders of Al Qaeda and had been killing and executing Al Qaeda members and supporters in their country and outside of it. Saddam had made speeches countless times any man, woman, or child supporting Al Qaeda would be executed. So we did we attack people killing the men who destroyed the World Trade Centers? Why did we invade an ally in the War on Terror. Claims never supported or proven prior to invasion, during, and after, weapons of mass destruction. Over a dozen countries sent thousands of soldiers and tanks each country, with South Korea having sent over 100 thousand soldiers!!! South Korea is locked in an eternal war with their neighbor North Korea. Quite obviously, America was the bad guys, as we also jailed many people who were fully Caucasian born in our country, comedians and actors for Verbal Terrorism. Lunacy, huge lunacy.
Finally, many people are targeting Russia, and Ukraine right now. When the Muslim Brotherhood and Neo-nazis entered Ukraine, their goal was simple, they made an alliance with each-other and dedicated themselves to killing remaining government officials and leaders and all men women and children who opposed them. Russia sent support and killed countless of these Nazi and Muslim extremists. In return, they get bombarded with hatred. And Crimea, containing a population less than 100,000 people, a single City, quickly declared independence from Ukraine, killing all men women and children who they thought would oppose them. People argue that Crimea was doing justice acquiring freedom for its persecuted people. These people also argue that Ukraine and Russia are in a secret alliance to rebuild the Soviet Union and conquer the world by nuking it entirely. Clearly, Russia is good and so is Ukraine, these one god lovers who include suicide bombers and Crimean liberators are bad, not the other war around!

Also, distant past, Europe was a place were the concept of a one supreme god was lunacy and madness, and that there were many gods, and many pantheons, many religions, all equal, and this was strictly taught and enforced in Europe. Families commonly had wolves as pets and guards even after the AD times. They refused to allow outsiders to own territories there, they could only trade barter and travel with them at their continent. The kingdoms of Europe were in war often, but kingdoms consisting solely of pacifists also existed, and they never had to partake or suffer from Europes wars because even the Vikings and Vandals honored and respected them over religion. When Jews, Greece, Rome, and later, the Byzantines, each invaded, they disrespected their sacred religious beliefs shared across the continent, that all religions, all of them, were equal, and that they were all valid religions because the were many goded. The Jews and Byzantines sought mass-genocide of what they said were inferior breeds of humans, gathering slaves who were forbidden to breed, and slaughtering all who did not agree to serve their Supreme One God and Supreme One Kingdom. The Jews were driven out of Europe in BC-4000, with everyone who remained slaughtered. The Byzantines were lucky, their enslaved and conquered with ease, and Europe and its enlightened way of life fell.

The distant past, China was an Empire that no longer was Provinces in eternal war for authority. It had Emperors and Empresses, who had supreme authority only because they were enlightened and favored by the gods. They were stripped of rulership if the people of China as a whole were to ever suffer under their rule, executed by the peasantry, rather than lords. The Chinese Royalty ruled from BC-8000 to AD-1800 with benevolence, before the Torah Bible and Koran said the World, and Humans, were created by God. Chinas people were under rule that was constantly benefitting them, now, that is no longer certain. Chinese people feel both benevolence and persecution, all because the western world Veni Vedi Vechi, came saw conquered. The rebellions and blockades the Chinese did against the west, actually was just, and justified, in the end, China was only protecting itself.

We need to accept things with war as not always being simple and one sided with good too. Sometimes both sides are good. The westerners of the world did not all want China to suffer, some wanted to help China, not profit, people who saw plague and famine, people who saw their knowledge could change things for the better, that religion and politics was never needed, but further wisdom.

Also, the Vikings and Vandals of Europe were bloodthirsty and destructive, they refused to raid the pacifist kingdoms, but what about everyone else, especially when they did not want war? They respected religion, but not life.

Well, Male Pregnancy is a thing talked about and even drawn about a lot in the furry fandom.
Some people hate it, some like it, others love it, some don't care.
Me, I'm going into a scientific look at the shit and the possibility of it...
and after learning about things... it's pretty fucking scary!
Okay, apparently there have literally been tests and experiments IRL in regards to reproduction in a variety of ways... this includes but is not limited too, cloning, inter-species breeding, genetic engineering, alternative methods for reproduction...

Apparently, it is possible for a fertilized egg to exist without ever being in the female reproductive system. It is a slightly rare occurence among females that has the fertilized egg attaching itself to an organ, and growing from there, with the unborn child developing there, in which the only means of birth, and preventing the mother's death, is via C-section.
Due to this occurring quite a bit across history, and every year there is someone born this way... there certainly seems to be no need for the female reproductive system beyond storing and keeping eggs alive for new people to be born.

The thing is, can this occur with men? Can a fertilized egg be implanted inside a male? Disturbingly, yes. It can be done. Problem...
With the rare pregnancy complication causing women to die from a variety of circumstances, males who would be pregnant through this means would also be able as well. The survival chance for a female would be the same with a male pregnant in this state... less 50%. Seriously... that's some scary shit.

So would anyone male ever be dumb enough to want a surgical intervention to be pregnant... well, some men, have actually said, "I would do anything to be pregnant and have a kid, even if it means risking death." And some men saying, "Regardless of the consequences involved I would try, no matter what anyone would say.", meaning there are men this dumb, or this brave, or this insane.

Seriously, first, you have to deal with the organ the unborn child is attached to will be losing nutrients at an immense speed, and without proper health, will die, killing 'pregnant man' and 'unborn child'. Second, you have to deal with C-section, which has a chance of killing patient, even though it successful ensure the child survives.
Third, you have the issue with knowing when the C-section needs to be performed. If it is ever done late, both 'pregnant man' and 'unborn child' will die.

Simply put, Male Pregnancy is a very real thing with happening, as it is already possible and experiments and tests have been done proving it being possible. But Male Pregnancy is a dangerous process and because of most men who like the thought of it willing to take any risk, should it ever become a welcome thing in society and hospitals, death will occur often enough for it to become a major issue.

I'm honestly hoping Male Pregnancy will forever remain too expensive and difficult to perform for people, and that everyone will be discouraged from it. It just... isn't safe, isn't normal, isn't practical. I'm hoping no-one will take my journal negatively. I'm just explaining why this is best left to fantasy.

135 acres of forest are burned by the fire in Ocean County, it is still raging as we speak, but no longer anywhere near my town. Few houses got touched by the fire in our town, and even though the fire was less than a minutes walk from my house because of our location by the woods... we're fine.
The smoke was seen in the distant sky over the forest by us 10AM. By 12, the smoke had engulfed our entire neighborhood, and police and firefighters were gathering people as well as fighting the fire in the woods. As my sister drove me away, I saw the fires from the woods hit a house on a street not to far from our own. I worried... all day... my cats, if the smoke entered our house, would have all died. If the fire reached our home, it would be worse. I complained a lot to my family that I wanted us to go back home. It turns out, now, that its turning 9PM, we're home, our cats are well, our house is untouched by flames, and few trees were reduced to ash, and only some are barren. They did a good job keeping the fire container and dousing it. Sadly, I'm worried about the fires still raging elsewhere in Ocean County.
A petty 12 hour emergency was what we got, but there are still homes and worse, forest, still burning from flames... people, animals, plants, are going to be badly harmed by this. I'm hoping tomorrow, things will have ended in the morning.
If you have prayers, give them to what few families are homeless and hurt, and the countless dead and dying animals laying about the neighborhoods and forests. I'm not going to want to leave home for a bit... it's too depressing outside. This is something that should happen in a war... and this happened, with all likelyhood, because of the seasonal burning of old furniture teenage and young adult males traditionally do in this backwater redneck county. I hope they stop this nonsense... this is too much death... its not like the previous accidents they caused.

Is it odd that I feel extremely lonely? Lonely in ways that do and don't make sense?
I have family around me, but no real friends. I can never be myself.
Even worse than this is that I've fallen in love with people and never gotten to seriously discuss these things with my fellow furries... and my family... they would never accept anyone I'd love that's a furry.
I seem to fall into a depression every night. In in the day I always seem to lack contact with people...
I feel worried too because this seems to cause me to randomly cry throughout the day when I think about my life. I honestly worry about other things too, like my past, and when I was suicidal at various points in time, and self-destructive, and how an issue this year brought about my first suicide attempt in ages.
I suppose being broken and beaten mentally and spiritually is something that will remain a constant in my life... I just wish people online would read these journals and talk to me more.

Well... my hands apparently broke out with tiny bubbles in the skin that when damaged (popped?) rapidly cause the skin to re-heal, more even more bubbles in place and the bubbles spread further across the hand.
I quickly realized this is a fungus and its on both my hands. It cannot grow anywhere other than on the palms of hands and feet, and it is a rapid growing annoying fungus that if pestered to constantly reproduce (which means popping bubbles and forcing your skin to rapidly regrow) becomes very painful.
Thankfully this hell can be ended by forcing the fungus to die off (with medication or proper constant environment) or by forcing it to enter a dormant stage (in which the bubbles are never popped causing the fungus to die off but leaving spores).
I'm also dealing with problems of the spots where I received stitches... still... pains come and go... but they are minor and bearable. Sadly there are specific stitches that go internally into me above my navel that are obviously going to require more than 'time'.
Hopefully this will all be over soon. I'll leave myself in the proper healthy conditions to ensure it. (basically no harm to my gut from the outside and not bending over lots and keeping my hands safe)

Well, my bandages, each with their own sets of stitches, cause aches and pains daily, coupled with that of internal agony. My mother recommends I ration my painkillers, and instead of taking one a day like prescribed, I should take 1 every 2 days. She cannot afford to spend money on painkillers she explained should I run out.
I haven't taken a shower, because I am forbidden too until at least 1 week passes after my home recovery. This has resulted in a stink. But I do not want to damage the stitches...
I cannot eat as much as I used to, my stomach shrunk, and this has resulted in an alternative means of eating that annoys my family. It was agreed yesterday if I cannot stomach whatever they give me they will buy and feed me canned soup for lunch and dinner until I recover. I had no say in any of this sadly...
I also cannot defecate, and my urine is suspiciously dark in spite of me drinking mostly water... and lots of it...

It makes one think... how well am I caring for myself? And how well am I cared for? To be so ill and in pain, and sorrow... to have family around, but constantly in anger and malice... and for friends to be in the distance... reaching... and not yet touching...

Well... One day on a recent Tuesday I was in pain in the morning. I was in extreme pain in the evening.
All attempts to stand me resulting in intense sweating, red skin, and falling over passed out. I said the pain was making me tired.
I was brought to a hospital on said very evening by my mom.
They had scans and quickly brought me to the OR, stating that, in all likely-hood, I had early appendicitis. The cat scans also indicated some unusual features with my bladder.
After the surgery I woke up and was in recovery. They told me the news that my bladder was fine, my appendix was slightly inflamed, but mostly healthy, though it was several times the size of a normal adult human appendix. Oddly, my colon seemed abnormal as well. They recommended I stay in the hospital until they examined my case further.
A few things, my hemoglobin or red blood cell count was abnormally low after surgery, even with them giving me a transfusion, and they monitored that. It very slowly returned to normal healthy levels in 6 days. My blood pressure was extremely erratic, but, was most often very high, it returned to normal in about 7 days. When my blood level was ok my temperature was suddenly very poor as it was very high. This turned to normal 2 days ago, 2 days before me finally being out of the hospital.

I had many complaints about my hospital. One was that three women that Nurses told me were mentally ill and deserved sympathy were highly agonizing. They constantly yelled, cursed, and threatened to slit the throats of staff. 3 elderly bitches who obviously don't want to live. I never had to stay in the same room as them, but it was bad.

Another was that when I came to the hospital they told me Buddhism isn't a faith they can list for patients. I was later listed as Roman Catholic by the local pastor of the Catholic Church in my County. I told visitors from the church I would not ever convert and they were wasting their time. Sometimes these people said sny remarks as they left like, "Well you had best convert for your own good!"

Lastly, 3 nurses, all of whom were white skinned blonde woman, were extremely offense to me in that they just wanted me to be quiet and let them do their work, they don't care if I'm in pain or if I'm nauseous.

My first hospital visit that I hope is that last. I'll receive my Appendix the Doctors and Surgeons said, and I'm also getting a Colon fragment. Yay organs!

I do feel a lot better now. I'm not suicidal, and depression has subsided.
I'll always forever care about and love Jard. He continues to mean everything to me.
My love for him is more than anyone and anything else, funny how friendship and loyalty and love make the strongest, most indestructible of bonds.
Jard may never talk to me, and by blocking me, I can never directly talk to him again. Blocking me also means on FA I can never look at and favorite his art, due to FA's privacy rules.
I'll still always support Jard and think of him. I'll still want to send him Birthday and Christmas gifts, though it will be harder now then ever.
I am... moving on in that I'm no longer feeling destroyed. My bond remains, that's all that matters. That, and if Jard is happy, and successful, he remembers only the 99.8% of our 12 year relatiosnhip that has been happy and full of joy, like I seek to, we'll be fine and move on well.
Dwelling on a mere two problems, two petty disagreements, is pointless, and we should rise above that and live well.

I had a dream recently...
I was some wierd black distorted wolf-thing, and I was on a collapsing world trying to escape...
I remember holding onto a ledge and almost falling into the weird 'white sphere of annihilation'...
Then oddly, Jard was there, and he lent me his hand... but by how panicked and shocked I was...
I kinda took his hand, and arms, and kinda clawed them up... but when Jard finally lifted me up...
he forgave me, and mentioned 'this is what friends are for, we help eachother, even when it hurts.'

I remember when we were traveling back to Jard's ship though, some horrible accident happened...
oddly I was shattered into a bunch of pieces, like giant chunks of glass...
Jard oddly stuck me in his ship, and drove me to a hospital...
oddly, I saw Renard and Darius, two OCs of a famous music artist, at the hospital, and they worked there...
they basically were apparently staff there in this weird sci-fi like dream...
strange that the dream got blurrier and blurrier as it passed through the hospital part...
oddly, I was all better afterwards, and doctor Renard mentioned that 'i even had some of the color back in my fur', and I did, it was a reddish brown color, so I was no longer a black misshapen wolf, but a black red and brown normal shaped wolf.
Jard was there to pick me up again, surprisingly...

Why exactly my dream includes someone I've known for so long is obvious...
and why it involved such things... maybe its connected to whats been going on between us?
Maybe Jard will unblock me and I can start playing games on steam again with him as well.
Maybe he is thinking about me... and wants to fix our friendship...
Or maybe I'm having some really bizarre f***ed up dreams...

Friendship, like love, can be a one way thing, just like it can be both ways.
Friendship, like a relationship, is filled with obstacles, things that must be overcome.
Friends like lovers, will argue and fight at times.
And friends will go at any length to keep their friendship alive.

I still want my friendship with J, just as much as I always value it, and I still cannot throw it away.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your religion, but you can't pick your friend's religion.
I don't care what J's religion is, and I will never join it, and it will never be an important thing to me...
Hopefully he will realize religion isn't a reason why one should stop a friendship.
A true friendship survives all. Our friendship still exists, so long as I have not given up.

He feels that I have hurt him by not accepting his religion and god.
He says he has moved on.
I will continue feeling and acting while he has stopped.